Trying to work it out [updated 2017-03-17]

[LD1990]

If I am not mistaken, earlier in this thread she said he admitted to getting her drunk and pushing drinks down her while pretending to drink as well. Why did he want to get her drunk? To screw her, because he knew she wouldn't while sober.

 

But they had sex again weeks later, so apparently she was willing to have sex with him while sober.

 

If that version of events is what happened, and there's no way to prove it so it wouldn't hold up in court, then that's certainly not a moral thing to do. But the point stands that regardless of him encouraging her to drink, she made that decision. He didn't get her drunk. She got herself drunk. And unless he didn't have a drop of alcohol that night, he wasn't completely sober either. They partied, they drank, they hooked up and had a great time, until the pregnancy ruined everything.

[anika99]

Uh, it ABSOLUTELY matters who wrote the email....

 

If someone didn't write the email, how can you hold them accountable for writing something THEY DIDN'T WRITE.

 

WTF.

 

Huh? I wasn't talking about holding someone accountable, I was talking about the OP not taking the words to heart.

[Timshel]

My boyfriend read the email that was sent and now he thinks I slept with more than one guy and am lying about it. That I figured out which one was the dad and only said it was that guy. He knows that I was talking to two guys, one being the bio dad, early at the party. He wants some sort of proof and I can't magically make that happen.

It's too much drama and too much stress. We haven't talked for the last couple days. It seems irreparable and I think I'm going to call it quits, at least for now. If he can't trust a word I say we will never work out.

 

I have been thinking about moving but I'd have to quit my job and then wouldn't have enough hours for maternity leave. My OB is getting concerned with the amount of contractions I have and is considering bed rest if it doesn't settle down. What's best for me and the baby is to shut the world out and deal with it when she gets here.

 

 

 

He doesn't want to allow the adoption to go through because he wants to screw with my life. Child support is based on income. Based on what I think he makes, working part time and being a student, he'd pay a whopping $127.00/month. He has said that it makes him look bad to "give her away". He wants to be able to come in and out of her life as he pleases rather than commit to either being her father 100% or not at all.

 

I don't think it was rape. I willingly had sex with him and got myself there. He didn't drag me away, hold me down and rape me. He may have manipulated the situation to go his way. I know he drank far less than I did, acted more drunk than he was and encouraged me to drink more. He's admitted to some things. But I still let it happen and let it happen again afterwards.

 

It's not that I want him, I don't. It's like when you have an ex and you don't want them but you don't want anyone else to have them either. I don't want him.

 

I'm in SK, for the record.

 

Kailah, you have said that a dna test was done to prove the paternity.

 

Bolded above 'he wants proof, I can't magically make that happen.'

[kailah]

Kailah, you have said that a dna test was done to prove the paternity.

 

Bolded above 'he wants proof, I can't magically make that happen.'

 

He wants proof that I only slept with one person that night.... The dna result doesn't really prove, without a doubt, that I only slept with one guy. To my bf, it just shows that's who "knocked me up". He thinks I slept with more because the email said so...

 

I don't know why the rest was bolded... Maybe you misread...

[kailah]

I don't want to go back to the rape discussion.... I want to forget about that month, not keep going back to it.

[dreamingoftigers]

It doesn't matter who wrote that hideous email to you. If it was the other girl, then obviously she is threatened and jealous of you in some way. If it was written by him then he is a vile disgusting ugly human being and no woman who is with him can be called the winner. Anyone stuck with that creep is the loser. The funniest thing about that email is that everything he accused you of doing he did worse. He also got drunk and screwed a stranger. He also didn't use a condom and he made that stupid choice knowing you were too drunk to object. He made that choice when he already knew that he already gotten this other supposedly perfect girl pregnant. Everything he said in that email makes him worse than you. And you know what? Even if you got so drunk that you screwed every guy at that party (I know you didn't) it would still be disgusting and wrong of him to say those horrible things to you. What kind of human being talks to another human being like that? He is just vile and ugly.

 

Are you in Canada? You have said several things in this thread that makes me think you are Canadian. I'm a Canadian and I've never heard of an anti- adoption province. I believe that every province allows for a period of time where the birth mom can change her mind but I don't believe there is any province that tries to prevent an adoption. Where are you getting your information. Call an adoption agency and make sure are being informed by people who know exactly what they are talking about and how this works. Your knowledge on this matter sounds like a lot heresay and assumptions.

 

Whatever you decide to do remember that this will all pass. I had two babies by the time I was 21. Had my first when I was sixteen. I made a lot of poor decisions and there were a lot of hard times but I got through it and so will you. Get the toxic people out of your life if you can. Tell your mother you love her but you need support and positivity right now and if she's got something to say that isn't positive or supportive then she should keep it to herself.

 

There is nothing written in stone about how much weight you should gain. It is different for every woman. I gained 25 pounds with my first and 40 pounds with my second. Both times I was carrying lots of water weight and so the pounds quickly disappeared. I wore my prepregnancy clothes when I left the hospital after giving birth to my first and within a month of giving birth to my second I got no stretch marks with either child because I was young and lucky to have so much elasticity in my skin that it could handle being stretched without scarring. Interestingly enough in my thirties I had a small weight gain of about 15 pounds and because I was older and my skin wasn't as supple as it used to be that little bit of extra weight caused some small stretch marks around my hip area.

 

Stay strong and healthy and focused on having a positive pregnancy and birth. If you are considering adoption then get in touch with people who know what they're talking about.

 

I'm in Canada too and was trying to do an inter-Provincial adoption until the birth mother decided to keep her son.

 

After having to study up a fair amount on the procedure, there isn't an "anti-adoption" province. But I would say Saskatchewan is the most restrictive.

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm in Canada too and was trying to do an inter-Provincial adoption until the birth mother decided to keep her son.

 

After having to study up a fair amount on the procedure, there isn't an "anti-adoption" province. But I would say Saskatchewan is the most restrictive.

 

I see you are in Saskatchewan.

 

I believe that you could still do direct placement.

[kailah]

I see you are in Saskatchewan.

 

I believe that you could still do direct placement.

 

I would have to find the couple myself, usually someone I know, because we don't have adoption agencies here. Or use an agency in another province but most won't work with other provinces. I found one that will, but they will try and make it difficult. I don't know if it's true or not, but that agency told me family members are asked to take the baby first. I can't do anything if the bio-dad won't sign his rights away or I can't have them legally signed away. Saskatchewan thinks kids will be "damaged" if they aren't raised by their biological parents...

 

I thought it would be easy. You find an agency, have tons of couples who want the baby, and just pick one. Adoption is hard enough, they shouldn't make it even harder and more discouraging.

[kailah]

When I started this "journey" 7 months ago, I didn't think it would end with me going into premature labour and bringing a medically compromised baby into this world, alone, and possibly never taking her home.

 

10 days ago my daughter was born at 30 weeks. She was 2 lbs 6 oz. I was alone when I had her and it was terrifying. I went into labour and they weren't able to stop it or slow it down. She was doing ok, then in an instant she wasn't and I was being rushed into an emergency c-section. I can't get the sound of the room out of my mind. Instead of a crying baby it was people rushing around, trying to get her breathing, whispers, and getting her out of that room. I didn't get to see her for 18 hours because they couldn't get her stabilized and I wasn't allowed to leave my bed until the next morning.

 

She has a heart defect and it is still undecided if she needs surgery or if it will correct itself. She wouldn't survive a surgery right now. She has a brain bleed. She still isn't stabilized, they can't remove the breathing tube, she is on IV feeds instead of tube feeding, she isn't responding to medications and is on maximum dosages. I wasn't told to take it day by day, it's hour by hour. Some days, minute by minute. I haven't been able to hold her. I sit here all day, waiting for the next thing to go wrong. People around me are waiting for their babies to go home, I feel like I'm waiting for her to die. I have no hope at all that she is coming home. I sit here 22 hours a day, praying for her to live. For 1 hour twice a day I have to leave during shift change, it's the hardest 2 hours I have to deal with.

 

Her dad has never seen her, even though he is in this hospital right now with his girlfriend waiting for their (healthy) baby. I had a nurse contact him twice and he said he wouldn't come, even when he was asked to be screened for a blood transfusion. He isn't on her birth certificate and I will never put him there. I don't care anymore, I can't. He doesn't exist to me anymore. My parents are going to help with the legal side of keeping him away. He got what he wanted.

 

I was stupid, naive and immature. Thinking things would just work out and be okay. Expecting a guy to give a crap that he has a baby. I thought I was hoping for the best, expecting the worst. This is far worse than I ever imagined. Right before she was born they asked me what her name was, because they didn't know if she'd be alive for me to name. Technically she wasn't. It feels like a giant slap in the face for being so stupid. So I admit it, I was insanely stupid, dumb and immature. I ****ed up so much. I couldn't keep her healthy and safe, can't protect her from everything she has to go through, can't do anything for her. She wouldn't have to deal with this if I wouldn't have gotten drunk in the first place. She wouldn't be here to suffer. So much for that happy family I thought was within reach. It's what I get for being stupid.

[doyathinkso]

So sorry for you, but maybe God knows what he's doing. Whichever way this plays out, maybe that's the way it's supposed to be.

 

All my hopes for you.

[anna121]

Kailah - I am SO sorry.

 

Listen to me. Your baby's health issues are NOT your fault. It is terrible, horrible circumstance that happens occasionally. It could have happened if you had been married to the love of your life for 5 years.

 

It is NOT your fault.

 

I have no doubt that you will give your daughter the best love and care you can for as long as you can.

 

Put the sperm donor out of your mind. Please. He is not worth the effort to spit on him. Have your parents deal with it.

 

Again, I am SO sorry. Hugs and very positive thoughts your way.

[drifter777]

I am so sorry your story has taken such an ugly, tragic turn. This is horrible news - horrible. We will all be praying for you.

 

It's ok to have hope. Medical science makes miracles happen every day and I sincerely hope you & your baby get one.

[Kalrayan]

This is my first post in your thread. It is heart breaking to read through the thread. One mistake on a drunken day has caused so much of harm. My heart goes out to you. I hope your family is more understanding and help you to get through this. i hope the worst is over and you can come back stronger. You need to go through a more intensive therapy now to start the process. May God be with you in your journey!

[kailah]

I have an (almost) 4-month-old daughter, who has only been home for 3 weeks because she was born premature. She is on oxygen, a heart monitor and feeding tube because she has a heart defect and has stopped breathing. Aside from going to the doctor I never leave the house because it’s too difficult with her equipment. She needs multiple surgeries over the next 3 years of her life. We’re at the hospital so often that it barely feels like we’re home.

 

My mum is blaming me for the health of my daughter. In terms of my pregnancy I did everything right, it’s the ONE thing I did right. She keeps saying that I’m lying, that I just ate crap all the time and hid it, sat on my ass the whole time, got a disease from sleeping around, that I made a mistake and now I’m making my daughter suffer. My daughter is on a special prescription formula and I pump breastmilk for her as well but my mum says that isn’t good enough and if I’d take better care of myself she wouldn’t need formula. That I’m too lazy to breastfeed, she physically cannot latch on… That breastmilk is supposed to be some magical fix-all solution. Nothing I do is enough for my mum. I can’t ever mention anything about my daughter because it always gets flipped to something I did/am doing wrong. In my mum’s world, she is a 4-month-old baby and should be at certain milestones. In reality she should be a 6-week-old baby, adding that to all the medical challenges she’s faced, of course she isn’t doing things that a “normal” 4-month-old baby would be doing.

 

My dad has been in denial for months that I was pregnant, then that I had a baby. He is so distant that I don’t even recognize him anymore. Even if I call him just to talk he won’t pick up or says he’s busy. Other people have either totally stopped talking to me or harshly judge me. There is no one in my corner. I’m completely alone in this scary world of being a new parent, having a medically compromised child and having the world against me.

 

Every time we’re back in the hospital I feel heavily judged. It should feel safe there, but it doesn’t. I’m a young, single parent with a sick child with no father. More times than I can count my age has been written down wrong, they’ve assumed I’m in my teen’s. They talk down to me, ask if my parents are coming. I’ve been asked if it’s correct that she has no father on file, it’s like rubbing salt in the wound.

 

I have a restraining order on her sperm donor. I kept trying to shut him out of my life and he kept making new email addresses, spoof social media accounts, random phone numbers to contact me. I changed my number and he got it somehow. I changed my number again, got a new email, shut down all my social media accounts. He was sending me horrible messages, messaging my family and my (ex)boyfriend. He isn’t allowed to contact me or my family now and I have sole custody. He isn’t on the birth certificate because it’s not worth it. The amount of child support he’d pay wouldn’t be worth it. It wouldn’t even cover 1 weeks’ worth of formula. He has never seen my daughter and never wants to. He wouldn’t even get tested to be a blood donor when she needed it. Even my ex-boyfriend who has no connection to her and has also never seen her would have been willing to do it.

 

My ex-boyfriend hung around for a while out of a sense of obligation. He slowly faded out. The last time we spoke was on Christmas. We didn’t have a break up talk, he just faded out of my life. I’ve heard from someone else that he’s seeing someone new so I guess he’s moved on. It hurts but it’s not his responsibility to care and I don't have the energy or time to dwell on it much.

 

I have never felt so alone in my life. There is no one in my corner. No one I can talk to or get support from. I was in therapy for a bit before my daughter was born but I can’t go anymore. I have no one to watch my daughter for me, especially someone I can trust with her and her needs. It’s so difficult getting out with her and I can’t focus with her there anyway. I don’t remember the last time I had a normal, happy conversation with someone. There are support groups but physically getting there is too hard. Traveling with all her equipment is something It haven’t mastered. If her heart monitor goes off while I’m driving I can’t always pull over. Her feeding tube always leaks when she’s in her car seat. I’m supposed to try and keep the germs at bay because she has a weakened immune system. I live in this tiny bubble.

 

My self-esteem and self-worth are non-existent. My life was completely turned upside down. There is no similarity between my life now and my life 1 year ago. There is nothing enjoyable about being a mother in these circumstances. I love my daughter and she is my world, but this is beyond difficult. I feel like a failure as a mother because I couldn’t carry her to term and couldn’t keep her healthy, because I can’t make this all go away and fix her. I love my daughter and I hate being a mum and that makes me feel terrible to think or feel. I would do anything for her and sometimes I just want to run away. I want to always protect her so no one can ever hurt her but I made the decisions that ultimately lead to her being hurt one day. It’s my fault that she doesn’t have a dad. That she might as well not have grandparents or any other extended family. I didn’t directly cause it but at the end of the day, if I had been a responsible human being she wouldn’t exist to hurt. I can hate the world for hurting her but at the end of the day it all comes back to me.

[EZNona]

It's so unbelievable how one bad night led up to all this. There is nothing I can say to make you feel better, but I hope you realize it took a lot of strength to make the choices you did and still be standing on your own two feet with your little one. Don't give up. Keep taking care of your little baby and focus on her. She is most important right now.

 

I pray that one day you will be able to get up and move away with your little girl to a new city, country...where no one will know your past and judge you for it. Where you can start a new life. What your mom, dad, and that awful guy are doing to you is disgraceful and you don't deserve it.

 

I wish you so much love and strength to get through the next few years with your baby. I pray there is a miracle in your future!

[Timshel]

Kailah, you are much stronger than you know. The times in my life that I was unable to give to others what they needed, I was weak and did not have the strength to give it. I have noticed in my years that anger is a common response to need, a defense mechanism for guilt.

 

Who are these people who judge you Kailah? They are weak and feel guilty that they are unable to give. It says nothing about you and everything about where they are.

Strong people pull other people up....they do not put down. There's no point in putting a person down, really....other than to ease their own conscience.

 

I hope you will stay strong knowing that these difficult times are not forever, this will pass and remember that coldness and being unkind is a sickness, don't let it infect you. It will make you strong and one day help another hurting person, you will rise above this.

 

Prayers and thoughts for you and your beautiful little girl Kailah, keep posting here sharing your thoughts. You are not alone.

 

I love these words from Theodore Roosevelt:

 

'It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.'

[JS84]

Hang in there. It sounds like you're doing the best you can and that's all you can do. You can always vent here or come for support. The ones who turned on you or bailed weren't true friends anyway.

[Simoo]

I have been reading your posts all along,i just never knew what to say, but I'kl just say what I think, first of all now that your daughter is here you need to stop acting like you are and were a couple months ago, I know you're life is a mess right now, and i never got why you were sleeping with that bastard after the ONS instead of trying to work it out with your bf earlier and understood what he was going thru.

 

But anyway,you have to step up now if not for yourself for that beautiful daughter of yours, she never asked for any of that, she doesn't understand any of that and won't for at least a decade, try not to say this words in front of her, she deserves and needs all your attention for the next years to come.

 

You have to forget about him, you keep thinking abt him and his gf but you need to stop, he made that choice, your daughter will probably ask for him when she gets older and you need to tell her the truth abt everything that happened but you need to do that after having cared for her the best any parent should.

 

I know my mother would cut her hair and sell it for me and my brother, and that would make your daughter love u even more if she knew what you've been thru and still never put anyone else before her, a year ago you were a young naive girl who was uncertain abt getting married, now you are a mother and you have to stop if I might say the "bitching" I'm sorry but I don't think a child should ever suffer from their parents mistake, and you don't want your daughter growing up and being told that, you don't need a man to be happy, so that's needs to be your last priority.

 

I feel you still love your ex bf but i think the way you acted was not that great, in your last posts with him, I felt he was left alone in his corner, trying to work his head around why that other guy's opinion meant that much to you, and whilst he shouldn't have been that hard, you should have put yourself in his shoes : he got from preparing to propose to his gf and making her his wife, to her cheating, to her getting knocked up, then leaving and hooking up with the guy who knocked her up, then going back to him cuz things didn't work out with him cuz he was an A-hole.

 

Anyways get yourself together youre all you little girls got so step up and make her feel like she is the only one in the world for you and stay away from guys a bit,these three first year for you daughter are the most important. I hope the best for you and her, even tho I was a little upset abt how things worked out with your ex maybe he will come back.

Edited March 21, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited for paragraphs and some punctuation

[redbaron007]

...I love my daughter and she is my world, but this is beyond difficult. I feel like a failure as a mother because I couldn’t carry her to term and couldn’t keep her healthy, because I can’t make this all go away and fix her. I love my daughter and I hate being a mum and that makes me feel terrible to think or feel. I would do anything for her and sometimes I just want to run away. I want to always protect her so no one can ever hurt her but I made the decisions that ultimately lead to her being hurt one day. It’s my fault that she doesn’t have a dad. That she might as well not have grandparents or any other extended family. I didn’t directly cause it but at the end of the day, if I had been a responsible human being she wouldn’t exist to hurt. I can hate the world for hurting her but at the end of the day it all comes back to me.

 

I think you're unnecessarily punishing yourself. Your daughter's medical problems have nothing to do with you or your romantic life or the guy who fathered her. My ex-W and I lost one of our twin boys at 21 weeks (other was born healthy). The maternal-fetal-medicine specialist made an interesting observation that we humans are the only ones in the natural world who expect 100% success rate for every pregnancy. He was not being rude or insensitive or sarcastic. He and his wife (an anesthesiologist) had a premature baby who has developmental disabilities and requires home care. His wife gave up medicine to care for the little boy full-time. My ex-W is an ObGyn who took every single precaution during her pregnancy - but we still lost one boy. Despite all our modern medical knowledge, adequate prenatal/antenatal care, the baby sometimes does not make it, or does make it but suffers from disabilities ranging from minor to severe. In the vast majority of cases it has nothing to do with the mother's lifestyle (of course substance abuse and other serious deviations aside).

 

In short, it is unfortunate your daughter has medical issues but rest assured you are NOT to blame.

[doyathinkso]

 

 

 

I feel you still love your ex bf but i think the way you acted was not that great, in your last posts with him, I felt he was left alone in his corner, trying to work his head around why that other guy's opinion meant that much to you, and whilst he shouldn't have been that hard, you should have put yourself in his shoes : he got from preparing to propose to his gf and making her his wife, to her cheating, to her getting knocked up, then leaving and hooking up with the guy who knocked her up, then going back to him cuz things didn't work out with him cuz he was an A-hole.

 

 

 

Simoo, you got that right.

[Timshel]

Kailah loves her baby...her life is about her daughter's life.

 

What part of her last post do you 'dudes' not understand?

 

The correct answer is silence.

[drifter777]

It's so unbelievable how one bad night led up to all this.

This is not true. Her selfishness & immaturity got her into this mess and has complicated absolutely everything since. She made many horrible decisions after that "one night". It's time to face up to reality.

 

Now you have a precious child who needs a mother, not a whining brat. Life is hard. It's not fair. Accept this before you drive yourself into an early grave. Get tough and dedicate yourself to growing up and doing right by your baby. If not now, when?

[RecentChange]

I am a grown woman with a support system and I don't know if I would have the gumption to get through what Kailah has.

 

Life with a special needs baby is no walk in the park. Add not having a supportive father, or family, or friends, yes, that is the kind of stress that can break a person.

 

Hugs Kailah. This isn't easy, and I don't think you are a whiner. Many wouldn't be able to walk in your shoes.

[road]

This is not true. Her selfishness & immaturity got her into this mess and has complicated absolutely everything since. She made many horrible decisions after that "one night". It's time to face up to reality.

 

Now you have a precious child who needs a mother, not a whining brat. Life is hard. It's not fair. Accept this before you drive yourself into an early grave. Get tough and dedicate yourself to growing up and doing right by your baby. If not now, when?

 

Does not matter what she did

Does not matter that she is the most remorseful WW that there

ever was

Does not matter that she is doing everything right to make amends

and recover her marriage

What matters is whether the BH can put what happened in the past

 

 

 

 

There are some men that can not accept being cheated on

There are some men that can, they have their reasons

There are some can accept anything but an OC

 

 

All a WW can do is show remorse, make amends, demonstrate that

her WW ways are over and never coming back, then wait for time

to heal their BH

 

 

Many an affair led to a divorce that only wound up years later with the

WW and BH remarrying again

So OP just do what you have to do and hope for the best

[drifter777]

Does not matter what she did

Does not matter that she is the most remorseful WW that there

ever was

Does not matter that she is doing everything right to make amends

and recover her marriage

What matters is whether the BH can put what happened in the past

 

 

 

 

There are some men that can not accept being cheated on

There are some men that can, they have their reasons

There are some can accept anything but an OC

 

 

All a WW can do is show remorse, make amends, demonstrate that

her WW ways are over and never coming back, then wait for time

to heal their BH

 

 

Many an affair led to a divorce that only wound up years later with the

WW and BH remarrying again

So OP just do what you have to do and hope for the best

 

Maybe read her story. There is no BH here. There is no WW. There is no marriage to repair. She's a young kid and had a young kid relationship with some young guy. She got drunk & hooked up with another guy and got pregnant by him. Then she continued to make decisions that took her deeper into this mess.

 

Kailah - I hope you can find the maturity to put your child's needs above your own. I pray that you find the strength to do this and that your baby recovers from these serious health problems and grows to be a strong, well-adjusted person.