Coping With The Loss of my Marriage

[dreamingoftigers]

It's been a few months since I last posted.

 

My husband is doing really well. He has been doing really well in counseling, talking more, really learning coping mechanisms and learning skills to help with his conflict avoidant behavior. He is communicating to me his feelings and when he ****s up. He is not keeping secrets and in our marriage counseling meeting yesterday, he admitted that he feels such a relief of anxiety when he tells me when something is bothering him. He says my disappointment is stressful than just pretending and ignoring the problem. Even the counselor said that was huge progress.

 

My relationship with the inlaws is still strained but it has gotten better. They still believe I'm controlling their son and that he doesn't need counseling. But they don't see the improvements I have seen. But that is fine. We are civil toward one and another and that is fine with me.

 

As for me. I'm doing a lot better. I had joined a support group for woman who are separated. I made a few friends that I had hung out with the outside of the meetings. I found that after a few sessions with my counselor it wasn't working out. I believe I have been coping really well regardless.

 

But with that said, there is some concern. My husband and I are getting along great, and I love him. All good things but a conversation my husband and I had this evening really took me for a tailspin. He hadn't mentioned us moving back in together in for a while until last night. He asked me if I thought about us possibly moving in with one another again. I told him I was proud of his progress but I still wasn't there yet. He asked me what else he could do. I told him to keep doing what he was doing. This sparked a couple hour conversation, late into the night.

 

After really thinking about it. I don't have a definite timeline for when I would consider us moving back in together. I have finally come to terms with what he had done and I have let go somewhat. I believe I'd be okay if we ended up divorcing and I'd be okay without him. I think that is kind of where the conflict has come in. I enjoy living by myself but at the same time I do miss living with him, miss our late night cuddling, watching television. I even miss hearing his laughter in the background. I miss eating dinner with every night. My husband over all wasn't a terrible lover. I miss all those things, but something is holding me back. I'm almost comfortable with him staying the night at my place and me at his. We spend a lot of time together, even been intimate.

 

In my support group, I had tonight I brought up this very issue. One girl asked me if I had friend zoned my husband. It was an interesting take on it. We are just over 9 months from when we separated, and a little over 5 months since we agreed to try and reconcile. I look at our relationship as a whole and the dynamic has changed. I don't' think our marriage would ever be the same. WE didn't' have a bad marriage before but what he did did affect the relationship. Maybe I had lost respect for him as a spouse, and a lover and our relationship has turned into a friendship. But maybe I just need more time. I really don't know.

 

Oh I know what this is: once bit, twice shy.

 

And it's a fair risk too.

 

I get it, I keep getting on the same high-risk horse.

 

It's one thing to see a big change in him, it's another to expect him to maintain it.

 

As well, I know that typically women can have trouble rekindling a sexual relationship after trust is violated.

 

(Not me. I tend to be able to heavily compartmentalize things.)

 

If you are being intimate with him, never mind.

 

But if not, and intellectually you are relatively sure you can trust him, maybe take slow risks with him.

 

Unless you are quite happy where you are now and are okay with losing him.

 

Up to you, really.

[Wheremyheartis]

I have come to a place of accepting either way. But I do know I need a little more time. He has expressed he missed me. We have been showing more intimacy. We cuddle, even slept in the same bed. We only had sex once since we got back together. I told him after that time that I wanted to wait some time before doing it again. It was not that I didn't enjoy it but I don't like the idea of having sex so freely when our marriage is still rocky.

[DKT3]

This is and has and always will be about control....you're not abit controlling you are extremely controlling. It's all about control for you, doing everything on your terms. It's why his mom doesn't like you, because she sees it. Heck I can see it clear as day thru your writing.

[Wheremyheartis]

This is and has and always will be about control....you're not abit controlling you are extremely controlling. It's all about control for you, doing everything on your terms. It's why his mom doesn't like you, because she sees it. Heck I can see it clear as day thru your writing.

 

I guess if feeling scared and unsure about if I am ready to live and trust with my husband makes me controlling I guess it is what it is. My husbands mother was the one who told me of his personality disorder diagnosis and she probably has been the least supportive. And that is fine because I have been there for him. I'm not coddling him and certainty not accepting our putting up with his poor choices He ****ed me over and I guess I do come across controlling but I don't see where he wary is a bad thing. Any insight is appreciated.

[lovemebreakme]

I guess if feeling scared and unsure about if I am ready to live and trust with my husband makes me controlling I guess it is what it is. My husbands mother was the one who told me of his personality disorder diagnosis and she probably has been the least supportive. And that is fine because I have been there for him. I'm not coddling him and certainty not accepting our putting up with his poor choices He ****ed me over and I guess I do come across controlling but I don't see where he wary is a bad thing. Any insight is appreciated.

 

I have read through your post on and off and I do have to agree you do come across as controlling. But given the circumstances, I can see it and understand why. If you and your husband were to move back in together this is probably something you'll have to ease up on. If he is working on himself, that means you'll have to as well. Not saying you aren't but it isn't fair to put 100% of the blame just on him.

[DKT3]

I guess if feeling scared and unsure about if I am ready to live and trust with my husband makes me controlling I guess it is what it is. My husbands mother was the one who told me of his personality disorder diagnosis and she probably has been the least supportive. And that is fine because I have been there for him. I'm not coddling him and certainty not accepting our putting up with his poor choices He ****ed me over and I guess I do come across controlling but I don't see where he wary is a bad thing. Any insight is appreciated.

 

What I'm talking about is this entire situation is basically about your husband accepting a job without your approval. That is a control issue. At the end of the day who has to work that job, him or you?

 

It's been all down hill from there, everything is his fault.

[Wheremyheartis]

The problem was him not accepting the job. I gave in and we sold our house and moved to another city where he abandoned me. He couldn't be honest with me that the job fell through. So that is hard to forgive never mind forget.

 

Anyway with that out of the way, I have an update. And looking for some advice which ties in with what I already said.

 

My husband has another "job" lined up a city an hour away from here. I told him if he wanted to take it, then go take it. We'd make the distance between us work if we need too. I admit I felt like this was a "control" issue again. We aren't living together, and I had just bought a condo earlier in the year and we just got back together while we are separated. I'm not against moving where ever he is in the future if we were to move back in together. I told him this and he seems disappointed but says he understands.

 

Any insight?

[Cephalopod]

I don't understand how you think you can resurrect a marriage while living apart. I don't know of any planet upon which that method works.

 

Either be married or don't.

[Wheremyheartis]

My husband and I had a huge step in our reconciliation. Sorry, this may be kind of long.

 

We spend News Years Weekend together in another city. He was acting strangely; not as talkative and just genuinely was sad. I was already having a hard time myself because being in a different city alone with him, made me think back to when he left me alone in another city when we were supposed to be moving. We had a good time but I knew something was bothering him. I asked him about it and he said he was fine. So I dropped it.

 

Fast forward to last Friday. My husband had his therapy appointment. Shortly after he called me at work saying he needed to talk o me before he changed his mind in what he wanted to get off his chest. So I left work an hour later and we met.

 

He blurted out that he was telling me the whole truth on News Years about feeling off. He said that something had been on his mind but he has been afraid to tell me. I was starting to get really freaked out. It took a few minutes but he said that he didn't want to keep living day by day with no long term goal in our relationship. He said he ****ed up and he was sorry.

 

So we talked or more like a lot of crying. He told me that he hates living apart from me and feels like he has no right to tell me how I feel or what he wants because of what he did. He told me it wasn't fair to either one of us to live separately with no long term goal. He told me he wanted us to move back in together, or have a specific plan for us moving back in together.

 

At first I got defensive. But after listening to him tell me what he was feeling, it all made sense. I agree with him when he said we are just floating by, acting like a dating couple when we are past that stage. We are married, had owned a house together, and have been separated almost a year.

 

His therapist was encouraging for the past two weeks to get how he felt off his chest and tell me the truth. That just because he made selfish decisions, doesn't mean that he is not allowed to express how he feels. So he got the courage and got it off his chest. I told him that I needed a few days to process all he said because in all honest I hadn't been really thinking long term goals.

 

So I took a few days, and finally told him last night and we made a plan. I told him my fears about moving back in with him. At the end of our conversation, I have decided I want to give us a true second chance. I'm going to rent out my condo, and in the beginning of March, we are going to rent a two bedroom townhouse. I really wanted to keep my condo as my safe place in case things didn't work out. I know once I move back in my condo becomes martial property again, but I don't have much equity in it so I'm willing to take the risk.

 

Edit to add: My husband did end up taking the job an hour away. He has been driving one hour both ways and this was one hundred percent his choice. But we did agree to find a place half way between where he works and where I work to lessen the distance either one of us has to drive.

Edited January 11, 2017 by Wheremyheartis

[DKT3]

It's still about control, and your unwillingness to work together on equal footing. This imbalance in your marriage will be it's doom. Marriage is a partnership, not an arrangement where did he person dictates to the other. Honestly, I'm shocked your husband has put up with it for this long, very few men would.

 

Now, I'm not saying you don't have a right to feel you need to control this entire situation, however, if you truly want to build a relationship you will have to give up being in control. He is an adult and you're his wife not his mother. Either you will love him for who he is or YOU will ruin this marriage beyond repair. Stop trying to dictate the marriage and share in it. Relax, you can control the outcome. Either you two will work it out as equals or long run it will fail.

[Wheremyheartis]

It's still about control, and your unwillingness to work together on equal footing.

 

I'm really confused how I'm being controlling in the above situation. He told me how he flet, I took time to reflect how I felt. We talked about it and both made an agreement to move in together. It was his idea for me to rent out the condo, but admit it was after I told him my fears. He said he would continue to drive an hour away to another city. I suggested meeting half way to make it fair for the both of us. If I'm missing something, please enlighten me.

 

He is an adult and you're his wife not his mother. Either you will love him for who he is or YOU will ruin this marriage beyond repair.

 

I'm aware he is an adult and I treat him like an adult. I don't coddle him like his own mother does. As for love him for who he is. I accept that he has a personality disorder and I love him despite that. But I don't think its fair to either one of us, if he uses it as an excuse. It is a part of him but why should it control him. I acknowledge and am working on my control issues.

Edited January 11, 2017 by Wheremyheartis

[DKT3]

Keeping a "fall back" place in case it doesn't work....Or is it just another tool for controlling his behavior?

 

You mentioned that you got defensive when he expressed his feelings, you have no right to dictate how he feels.

 

It's good to see that you've finally acknowledge your control issues. It's a huge step, in the beginning of you posting here you were adamant about not being controlling.

 

As I told you when you started, I recognized your behavior because early in my marriage I did some control thing...Mine was rooted in my battle with OCD which stems from being a military kid.

 

I can promise you this, give up trying to control him and the outcome, it's so freeing. Stop trying to manipulate and control his behavior, voice your concerns or dissatisfaction with his actions then move on. Stop using emotional blackmail, If you behave the way I want then we can.....You can't maintain that, at some point he will tire of that dynamic.

[Wheremyheartis]

Keeping a "fall back" place in case it doesn't work....Or is it just another tool for controlling his behavior?

 

You mentioned that you got defensive when he expressed his feelings, you have no right to dictate how he feels.

 

It's good to see that you've finally acknowledged your control issues. It's a huge step, in the beginning of you posting here you were adamant about not being controlling.

 

As I told you when you started, I recognized your behavior because early in my marriage I did some control thing...Mine was rooted in my battle with OCD which stems from being a military kid.

 

I can promise you this, give up trying to control him and the outcome, it's so freeing. Stop trying to manipulate and control his behavior, voice your concerns or dissatisfaction with his actions then move on. Stop using emotional blackmail, If you behave the way I want then we can.....You can't maintain that, at some point he will tire of that dynamic.

 

I'm not trying to control his behavior or how he feels. Sure, I got defensive, but that is coming from a place of fear and shock. After I took a few minutes to stop and listen to what he was saying It was easier.

 

There is many reasons why I still have my condo. My friend even asked why I didn't just have my husband move in there. A lot of it has to do with fear, space and I guess it could be some control, not so much of him but for myself. I've had it less than a year, and if I were to sell it, I'd lose money on it. I mentioned in an early post that my husband felt like he was walking on pins and needles around him. That is how I'm feeling around him too. I slowly believe in his changes. So many times I thought we would go somewhere and he'd bail on me. I'm letting go. But with my condo. Instead of letting him move into my personal space after our separation, he made the suggestion just to rent it out. After he had made that suggestion, I felt so much better.

 

About voicing my concerns and dissatisfaction, I'm falling advice given from our marriage counseling. He told both of us if we were feeling concerns and dissatisfactions, its best to talk about them. That brushing the issues under the rug can lead to more resentment later on. I saw it first hand in our marriage. I guess in a lot of my posts I'm talking about a lot of how I feel. But I can only comment on what I see, what he tells me and his actions to determine how he feels. I can never be sure how he is feeling if he is feeling controlled. So maybe how I am coming across and how he is feeling is totally different. I don't know.

As for talking about my concerns, his concerns, we came up with a solution. A way to compromise how we both feel and that is freeing.