Coping With The Loss of my Marriage

[Wheremyheartis]

i would let the divorce go through. i would never marry him again.

 

Where I live, from a legal standpoint I might as well be divorced. What I have is a legal separation. I own my condo which he doesn't legally own. We had divided up our assets. But in order to have the divorce itself finalized we have to wait at least one year.

 

If I decide to give him another chance, and we still get divorced. Even if we decide to move in together, after a year we come common-law which is essentially the same thing as being married. At least according to the law regarding finances, property, etc.

 

Saying vows, was made out of love and not so much a legal standpoint. It made me feel connecting as whole to him if that makes sense. If I divorce I feel like it's forever. Does that make sense under all this rambling.

[Wheremyheartis]

To recap: Last week I've decided to be honest with my honest with how I felt. We decided to text often and see each other occasionally to talk about his progress in therapy and about us in general.

 

This past Friday (the 17th) we met. I swear its like pulling hair to get him to open up. I wouldn't call it him lying or keeping secrets but its so hard to get him to want to open up, and become vulnerable in a sense. I can't believe I dealt with this passiveness for so long.

 

Anyway, like a mentioned his parents think that now that he is on antidepressants that he doesn't need therapy. When he told me that, I doubted it at first because we both agreed not that long ago that there was something wrong with him.

 

Anyway we met on Friday. He showed me some texts between his mom and him. She was saying that what he needs is some hobbies and new friends. That therapy is a waste of time, when he can just work through these issues on his own. When I see his response to his mother, and the response he is giving me I can tell he is avoiding telling her how he feels. He told her that he'll think about it, and then he'll change the subject, then when she brings it up again or points out that he changed the subject, he said that there is nothing to talk about.

 

Sunday, his mom texted me asking if we got back together. I told her not exactly. Then she called me and we talked on the phone for a good hour. Most of the time she was telling me how since he got on antidepressants that he was cured. While they are definitely helping, he is far from being normal. Besides Avoidant Personality Disorder is not something you can be cured from. It's something he has to learn to deal with, and cope with. Try telling her that, and she starts in on me telling me that I lost my right to try to help him when I dumped him. Ouch that hurt.

 

I know I shouldn't have but I texted my husband upset, telling him what she said. He got upset, and left his parents house late that night and stayed at his friends house, didn't call or text them. He texted me.

 

Today I finally told him he needed to find his own place. I know I don't want to come across as bossy or controlling, but it's obvious his parents don't have his best interests at heart. He agreed. I told him he couldn't move in with me. So he is staying with a friend and putting his stuff in storage while I help him find an apartment.

 

I have an appointment with the same therapist as my husband's for Friday, just before his. So we can both discuss and talk about things afterwards.

 

We aren't together, but I consider us working towards getting back together. It's a long and bumpy road. It's just a matter of how much patiences I have.

[Wheremyheartis]

A little update...

 

The past two weeks since my last update had been bumpy. I was able to help my husband find an apartment a few blocks away from my condo. It is a cute, one bedroom, one bath apartment. He moved in on July 1st. He asked me if I would go over there and help him decorate. At first I said no, but changed my mind. It was a fun afternoon. I have to admit I liked helping him because he has terrible taste in interior design. He had a picture of him and I and asked if it would make me uncomfortable if he put it on his endtable in the living room. I said it didn't because he does have a right to is feelings and this is his house so he doesn't need my permission. The good news is he has a six month lease, so it helps prevent us from moving to fast.

 

His parents are livid with me. My parents are livid with me. It seems like every one is out to get me, when I'm the one who is the victim. His parents think I'm manipulating him and giving him false hope and my parents, especially my dad thinks I'm an idiot for even giving him the time of day.

 

I did promise my parents I wouldn't jump into anything right now. They accepted that answer because well, I didn't give them much of a choice.

 

WIth my husband I had set up some boundaries. For the next three months at the very least, he was not to come to my house and I wouldn't be spending the night at his. We would limit our time at his house to no more then once a week. Any serious issues that needed to be discussed would be done in person, no texting and no online messaging. I find that he is more open to discussing things if he isn't hiding behind his phone. We are both to stay in therapy to work through our own issues. He didn't really like all the conditions but he agreed to them. I listened to his concerns and I explained my reasons and he said he understood.

 

So that is where we are at.

Edited July 6, 2016 by Wheremyheartis

[DKT3]

Something is missing in this story....

[Wheremyheartis]

Something is missing in this story....

 

What do you mean???? If there is something you don't understand I'd be more than willing to clarify.

[DKT3]

Why is he not allowed at your place.

 

Honestly, you sound very controlling and I get a my way or the highway attitude coming from you. I don't sense any compromise on your part. Long term this relationship will fail.

 

Something is missing

[Wheremyheartis]

Why is he not allowed at your place.

 

Honestly, you sound very controlling and I get a my way or the highway attitude coming from you. I don't sense any compromise on your part. Long term this relationship will fail.

 

Something is missing

 

 

I have a wall built up around me... My place is my heaven. I'm not ready to let him in there. As for his place, he wants me there but I don't want to get too comfortable. I'm still hurt and the trust isn't there.

 

Maybe I am controlling but I don't mean to come across that way. That is something I will definitely address with my therapist.

 

My reasons for setting up boundaries is for myself. To protect myself. It may sound selfish but I don't want to get too close to him again too fast only for him to stab me in the back. Also I'm encouraging him to say how he feels. To set any conditions or boundaries he needs from me. I'm not perfect and I don't pretend to be.

 

I hope that clears things up somewhat.

[DKT3]

I just get your controlling. I'm sure his parents feel that way about you as well. Your husband appears to be beaten down by you, in that state he will never open up, why would he you would just tell him he is wrong.

 

I'm not taking shots at you, I'm just being honest about what I get from reading your threads.

 

Here is the thing, you expect from him what you are willing to give, you can't put up walls while asking him tobring his walls down.

 

The catalyst of your current situation seems weak to do the damage you say its done, all this leads me to believe something is missing.

[Wheremyheartis]

I just get your controlling. I'm sure his parents feel that way about you as well. Your husband appears to be beaten down by you, in that state he will never open up, why would he you would just tell him he is wrong.

 

I'm not taking shots at you, I'm just being honest about what I get from reading your threads.

 

Here is the thing, you expect from him what you are willing to give, you can't put up walls while asking him tobring his walls down.

 

The catalyst of your current situation seems weak to do the damage you say its done, all this leads me to believe something is missing.

 

I wasn't going to respond at first. This was a huge reality check. All night long I couldn't sleep, barely could eat this morning. It had been gnawing at me since.

 

A stranger on the internet, thinks I'm controlling, that I'm beaten down my husband, maybe not intentionally. I can't be sure because it hadn't been clarified. If I'm coming across that way, when I express how I feel. I just wonder how he must feel. How I make him feel. It makes me feel like such a ****ty person.

 

My goal was not to hurt him. Make things worse for him in anyway. I just want what best for him. I see him in a place where he isn't happy. My goal is not for him to think that everything he says isn't right. I don't want to come across as the bitch who will micromanage every part of his life.

 

I have been keeping things inside... Some of the reasons are purely selfish and others at least to me I think are benefiting him. He's overwhelmed, I'm overwhelmed. This is a ****ed situation. He has a lot of issues he is working through. And I get that I'm being a hypocrite and not following what I expect from him. This is an issue I need to bring up. Because it isn't right and I do want to change.

 

I don't think by nature I'm a controlling person. Maybe this situation had changed or maybe over time I took over the role of making all the rules. I'm not sure and is something I need to address. Especially if I'm coming across that way to people who don't know me on the internet. I can't imagine how he must feel.

[DKT3]

I recognize this because in many ways it was me. It was never my intent but I did it. Geez I closed on a house without my wife even seeing it. I convinced myself i wanted to surprise her with it, but the truth was i simply didn't want her input, whenever she would push back I was like really, how selfish of you I did this for you.

 

We tend to focus on our spouses reaction and not our actions that caused the reaction.

 

The only way we can get to clear skies is by focusing on ourselves, two halves don't make a marriage but two wholes will.

 

This is pure speculation on my part, but I guess your husband felt you identified with him job first, not saying you did but it may have been his reality. Your reaction solidified that for him.

 

The great thing about this site is people here only see facts as you lay them out, having no emotional attachment to you they tell it how they see it, which I've found sometimes to be closer to reality then our own views which have been deeply influenced by our emotions, resentment and a I'm right attitude.

[Wheremyheartis]

I could never imagine closing in on a house without his input. I take his opinion on things very highly. It may not come across that way, especially of late. I'm wondering if my relationship with im is just too damaged to try to salvage. I'm so full of resentment that I don't like how I come across to people.

 

But at the same token, I see the progress he has made. He seems happier. He even said himself that he feels better and is happy to work on his life to be a better person for himself. As his wife, separated or not when someone tries to interfere with him making better choices, I get offended. I love this man... Despite all the hurt he had conflicted on me. I never not want him to hurt back.

 

When I told him he needed to move out into his own apartment. It was controlling. The things he was telling me. The confliction he was feeling. His words mostly. At first they wanted him to go to therapy, see a psychatrist. Even before I started to really push for it they told him, and me on several occasions that he needed help. A few weeks before our wedding his mother came and talked to me and said we should postpone the wedding until he talks to a therapist. She didn't think he was emotionally ready... At the time I didn't see her opinion as a bad thing. But now I just feel like they never really liked me and like my husband, they were passive aggressive, and conflict avoidant as well.

 

Now that he is actually talking to a professional, he is coming out of his shell. HE is learning new coping skills. We discuss issues and we are trying to build a new foundation to base a relationship on. The old one as I know it is gone. IT was destroyed when he left me in another city. Our goal (We do need to have another discussion to make sure we are on the same page) is to work on our issues, so we can build a new healthier foundation. It is easier we get to a point where we can be together or we divorce and go our separate ways.

 

I have until February until I can either finalize the divorce, or we work towards being together long term.

[DKT3]

You missed my point....best for him according to who? You have no idea what's best for him. So you steer him towards what's best for him as it relates to what you want. That is very controlling. His desire to have an us with you makes this easier for you.

[Wheremyheartis]

I have issues I need to address... I guess I need to step back from him and his issues and focus on my own. I don't want to hinder his.

 

Thanks for the reality check, even though it isn't easy to hear.

[DKT3]

I have issues I need to address... I guess I need to step back from him and his issues and focus on my own. I don't want to hinder his.

 

Thanks for the reality check, even though it isn't easy to hear.

 

It's simple really and doesn't require making distance between you two.

 

After my divorce and some time(several years) my wife and I spent time together. It started as family outings with the kids then turned into just the two of us. During these "dates" we just had fun an escape once it was over we went our separate ways and focused on ourselves. We both tried not to look at the progress of the other, we limited the discussion on the topic.

 

The reconnection was amazing, once we decided to make an us again then we tackled our issues with one another. But this time we were committed, sadly her far more then me which is why I found this site.

[Wheremyheartis]

I have so much going through my head. We were suppose to hang out tonight, but now I'm having so much doubts. Just feeling sad and don't want to say or do the wrong thing with the possibility of just making things worse.

[Wheremyheartis]

I'm feeling so much better today. I ended cancelling my date with the husband last night. Told the husband that I needed time alone and would message him today.

 

A friend of mine came over and I just vented. I hadn't told anyone really that I was thinking of getting back together with my husband. Then I told her that I was coming across as controlling. Hopefully no offense to anyone here I let her read this and the other thread.

 

Her response was that I was far from controlling. That I have every right to be in control of us reconciling. Her exact words "Remember what he put you through. You're giving him more than he deserves." She didn't necessary say I shouldn't give him another chance but did make her opinion known not to let him walk all over you.

 

With that said, I had decided to dial back back a bit and just enjoy his company. If we are to work out I just need him to want to communicate on his own. I also am going to stop keeping everything in and open up myself since I have built his emotional barrier.

 

As for my boundaries... If I come across as controlling for limiting how often I hang out at his place or from him staying at my place than I guess that is what will have to happen. I don't want him to get too comfortable in my condo, which I find is my safe place to unwind. And if at any time he doesn't want me to come over to his place that is his right. I'm only dictating what will make me feel safe.

 

I want to thank everyone for their advice. As usual is if anyone has anything to say. Reality Checks are nice, please do let me know. I rather be told as it is then be sugarcoated.

[Wheremyheartis]

It's a miracle my husband has found his voice. Instead of holding in how he truly felt about something in particular, he told me I was being ridiculous. This is the kind of improvements I like to see.

 

On Tuesday night, there was some leaking that came from under the sink in my bathroom. So I called him because we were suppose to go out for supper but instead told him I was calling a plumber. He asked me what the problem was. I told him that water was leaking under my sink.

 

My husband does some plumbing work on the side, even though he isn't his main job. He told me to come let him take a look at it. I told him I didn't want him too, that I'd call a plumber. I really didn't want him to come into my house. I'm not ready for that.

 

He said, he wouldn't be coming over to hang out but to save me some money. He pointed out it would cost at least $100.00 for them to come out and look at it. Then the price of the parts, and the labor. He said that I was being ridiculous.

 

I said fine. So he came over and checked under the sink. Not sure what the problem was but he ran tot he hardware store, spent 20.00 and the problem was fixed.

 

He was about to leave when I told him to stay for a bit. I didn't want him to leave. We sat on the couch and watched a movie. No sex. But this had been the happiest we had been in a long time. He left around midnight to go back to his apartment. It was nice and I'm glad he spoke up. It brought down some emotional barriers on both side.

Edited July 15, 2016 by Wheremyheartis

[Cephalopod]

We had been together almost 11 years and married almost 5 when we separated back in February 2016. In the summer of 2015 my husband was laid off from his job. He was forced to take on a lower paying job which he didn't care for. We also put having kids on hold.

 

In the months to follow he became depressed and distant. Then at the end of November, to early December he told me he found a job in a city nine hours away. I told him I didn't want to move. He then asked me for a divorce.

 

 

 

I think he was having an affair when he left you. That is why his behavior changed so quickly and drastically before he moved out. It is why he was avoiding you. Just my opinion. I'm probably wrong. When someone changes like that it is either depression, drug use, or an affair.

Edited July 15, 2016 by Cephalopod

[Wheremyheartis]

I think he was having an affair when he left you. That is why his behavior changed so quickly and drastically before he moved out. It is why he was avoiding you. Just my opinion. I'm probably wrong. When someone changes like that it is either depression, drug use, or an affair.

 

That was one of the first thoughts I thought of. But what happened was (and believe I checked) he got this job in this city. WE sold our house, and got a place to live in another city. The day before we sere suppose to move, he sent me to go get the keys and he was going to drive the moving truck.

 

Turns out he didn't get the job, and instead of telling me he thought in his mind that leaving me would be easier. SO I went there and the landlord told me he gave back first month rent back to my husband.

 

We are legally separated and have to be for one year to get a divorce. WE are five months separated. I had bought a new house and the works.

 

As for him having an affair. Recently he was diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder. Him having a "intimate" affair with someone isn't likely. HE has very low self esteem, hard time communicating with people and he doesn't like conflict.

 

He had suffered from depression on and off our entire relationship. He is currently in therapy and on antidepressants to help him out. This will always be a constant battle for him.

[Wheremyheartis]

It's been two weeks and things are still plugging along.

 

There has been some great progress and some setbacks but were still here, trying to repair our marriage.

 

For the progress: A few weeks ago my husband applied for a position within the company, which would mean higher pay and more flexible hours. He thought for sure he would get it. Turns out he didn't. The old him would have kept it to himself until I drug it out of him. But this time he called me up and told me the news. He did seem a little quiet on the phone and admitted he felt like less of a man because he didn't get the position. I told him that there are other opportunities out there and I didn't look at him any different. I'm just glad that he isn't letting this setback consume him. His depression has been under control thanks to antidepressants. He seems a lot happier over all.

 

As for the setbacks: While his progress has been good. We had been communicating a lot better I feel like something is missing. I think it may be because of the change of dynamic not only in our relationship but with the inlaws and my parents. His parents are still bitter and think its a mistake we are trying to work on our marriage. My parents think he will only hurt me again. I think what makes it worse was they loved my husband and really thought he was a great guy. They had a family dinner at my aunts house and they invited me but not my husband. I ended up not going. I understand their reasoning and I don't fault them but I couldn't justify not going without him. I think when it comes down to it, I'm feeling sad because our relationship has this dark cloud lingering behind us. Only time will tell.

[Wheremyheartis]

For anyone still following this thread. I need a bit of advice.

 

Last night my husband and I went out for supper. IT was a nice low key evening. These past few weeks have been amazing.

 

We went back to his place and watched a movie. Half way through the movie he paused it and asked me "Are you ever going to see me as an adult again and not as a child that needs to be watched constantly." At first I had no idea what he was talking about but asked him to eleborate.

 

He said that he feels like he is on pins and needles around me. He says he doesn't want to **** up again and that he skrewed up so badly that he thinks I'll never look at him the same way again.

 

Well we talked about that for a few hours. I admitted there are some trust issues but I don't see him as a child. I see him as an adult and expect him to deal with his issues as an adult.

 

While we are getting along and he is making great progress in therapy, there is a lot of work still need to be done. I think he is feeling very frustrated and it's understandable. I know he wants us to move back in together even though he hasn't came right out and said it.

 

I guess my issue is we have a couples meeting on Friday, and I'm not sure how to bring this issue up with the counselor. I don't want him to feel like less of a person or for him to think I view him as a child. I'm not sure how to go about this.

[Hopefulandinlove]

Just don't think too much into it. Just bring it up and let the conversation naturally come out. You obviously have a lot of love left for each other and he is trying really hard. Make sure you bring all of your thoughts and worries up but don't stress about ways to bring them up. He can handle it.

[Wheremyheartis]

I can't believe how long it has been since my last update.

 

First things first, we are doing really well. We are not living together and have no intentions for a long time.

 

Counseling has been going really well for the both of us. For me, I have learned to just let go of things I can't control. In previous posts, I have had people point out I was controlling. I didn't see it at the time but unknowingly I was kind of being a bit controlling. It's been a struggle but I'm trying not to micromanage my husband. I make it clear what my expectations are of the relationship and what my needs are and I let him take control.

 

He is starting to open up more. Before it would be so hard to pull anything out of him. While it is still hard for him because of his fear of conflict, he is really pulling out of his shell.

 

On Friday we had a marriage counselling appointment. It was really a great session. He finally had the courage to tell me what he wants from me. Before he was just closed in because of guilt and because he didn't' think he deserved to have any expectations or things he needed from me. I acknowledged and aplogized how I came across to him sometime. While I have a list of things he would like from me, it gives me something to think about.

[Wheremyheartis]

It's been a few months since I last posted.

 

My husband is doing really well. He has been doing really well in counseling, talking more, really learning coping mechanisms and learning skills to help with his conflict avoidant behavior. He is communicating to me his feelings and when he ****s up. He is not keeping secrets and in our marriage counseling meeting yesterday, he admitted that he feels such a relief of anxiety when he tells me when something is bothering him. He says my disappointment is stressful than just pretending and ignoring the problem. Even the counselor said that was huge progress.

 

My relationship with the inlaws is still strained but it has gotten better. They still believe I'm controlling their son and that he doesn't need counseling. But they don't see the improvements I have seen. But that is fine. We are civil toward one and another and that is fine with me.

 

As for me. I'm doing a lot better. I had joined a support group for woman who are separated. I made a few friends that I had hung out with the outside of the meetings. I found that after a few sessions with my counselor it wasn't working out. I believe I have been coping really well regardless.

 

But with that said, there is some concern. My husband and I are getting along great, and I love him. All good things but a conversation my husband and I had this evening really took me for a tailspin. He hadn't mentioned us moving back in together in for a while until last night. He asked me if I thought about us possibly moving in with one another again. I told him I was proud of his progress but I still wasn't there yet. He asked me what else he could do. I told him to keep doing what he was doing. This sparked a couple hour conversation, late into the night.

 

After really thinking about it. I don't have a definite timeline for when I would consider us moving back in together. I have finally come to terms with what he had done and I have let go somewhat. I believe I'd be okay if we ended up divorcing and I'd be okay without him. I think that is kind of where the conflict has come in. I enjoy living by myself but at the same time I do miss living with him, miss our late night cuddling, watching television. I even miss hearing his laughter in the background. I miss eating dinner with every night. My husband over all wasn't a terrible lover. I miss all those things, but something is holding me back. I'm almost comfortable with him staying the night at my place and me at his. We spend a lot of time together, even been intimate.

 

In my support group, I had tonight I brought up this very issue. One girl asked me if I had friend zoned my husband. It was an interesting take on it. We are just over 9 months from when we separated, and a little over 5 months since we agreed to try and reconcile. I look at our relationship as a whole and the dynamic has changed. I don't' think our marriage would ever be the same. WE didn't' have a bad marriage before but what he did did affect the relationship. Maybe I had lost respect for him as a spouse, and a lover and our relationship has turned into a friendship. But maybe I just need more time. I really don't know.

[Hopefulandinlove]

It's been a few months since I last posted.

 

My husband is doing really well. He has been doing really well in counseling, talking more, really learning coping mechanisms and learning skills to help with his conflict avoidant behavior. He is communicating to me his feelings and when he ****s up. He is not keeping secrets and in our marriage counseling meeting yesterday, he admitted that he feels such a relief of anxiety when he tells me when something is bothering him. He says my disappointment is stressful than just pretending and ignoring the problem. Even the counselor said that was huge progress.

 

My relationship with the inlaws is still strained but it has gotten better. They still believe I'm controlling their son and that he doesn't need counseling. But they don't see the improvements I have seen. But that is fine. We are civil toward one and another and that is fine with me.

 

As for me. I'm doing a lot better. I had joined a support group for woman who are separated. I made a few friends that I had hung out with the outside of the meetings. I found that after a few sessions with my counselor it wasn't working out. I believe I have been coping really well regardless.

 

But with that said, there is some concern. My husband and I are getting along great, and I love him. All good things but a conversation my husband and I had this evening really took me for a tailspin. He hadn't mentioned us moving back in together in for a while until last night. He asked me if I thought about us possibly moving in with one another again. I told him I was proud of his progress but I still wasn't there yet. He asked me what else he could do. I told him to keep doing what he was doing. This sparked a couple hour conversation, late into the night.

 

After really thinking about it. I don't have a definite timeline for when I would consider us moving back in together. I have finally come to terms with what he had done and I have let go somewhat. I believe I'd be okay if we ended up divorcing and I'd be okay without him. I think that is kind of where the conflict has come in. I enjoy living by myself but at the same time I do miss living with him, miss our late night cuddling, watching television. I even miss hearing his laughter in the background. I miss eating dinner with every night. My husband over all wasn't a terrible lover. I miss all those things, but something is holding me back. I'm almost comfortable with him staying the night at my place and me at his. We spend a lot of time together, even been intimate.

 

In my support group, I had tonight I brought up this very issue. One girl asked me if I had friend zoned my husband. It was an interesting take on it. We are just over 9 months from when we separated, and a little over 5 months since we agreed to try and reconcile. I look at our relationship as a whole and the dynamic has changed. I don't' think our marriage would ever be the same. WE didn't' have a bad marriage before but what he did did affect the relationship. Maybe I had lost respect for him as a spouse, and a lover and our relationship has turned into a friendship. But maybe I just need more time. I really don't know.

 

I think overall everything sounds fantastic! What great improvements!

I think you won't know exactly how you really feel towards him (friend zoned or husband) until you try it out. I think if you are in a friend zone type place, it's because that's how you are living right now. If you were living together, you probably would be spouse zoned.

Just don't stress too much until you have to. The love is still there, maybe forever, maybe not. I don't like to put timelines on things. I can see why he's anxious to be back living with you. He probably misses it. If you decide to dive in again, I personally think the friend zone feeling will go away. But make sure you feel like you are ready to move back in. Be clear with him about you not feeling ready just yet. Tell him you put up with a lot and he can put up with waiting.