Author TooRational Posted November 1, 2016 Author Share Posted November 1, 2016 It's been 3 weeks since my last update and I need to vent a little more. Thanks LD1990 for the encouraging words btw. I'm in a fairly good place in my life right now. I'm happy. I'm doing lots of physical activity and I feel good about myself. Still, I miss my ex. I don't think that I miss her in a needy way. I mean, I can be happy without her. BUT, of course, she added enjoyment in my life that I miss. For example I went x-country skiing last weekend but without her. That used to be one of our favorite activity to do together last winter. So it's hard. I also miss the intimacy. I also must admit that I have trouble taking her off that pedestal. She hasn't acted in a mean way towards me like lots of ex's in the stories I read on this forum. Yes we had problems but nothing insurmountable in my opinion. She also couldn't close the door completely to the possibility of us getting back together and I just can't let go of that hope, it's hard. I'm trying to convince myself that we'll never be a good fit even if we get back together. Here's the rationale. The main problem in our r/s was my insecurities regarding her feelings towards me. I was always afraid that she would break-up. She had hinted at such a possibility throughout our relationship, especially at the beginning. When she got more emotionally involved (the ILY step), she became extremely busy so I never got the emotional connection that I craved. Now that she actually did breakup, how would this insecurity of mine be any different the next time around? It would most likely only be worse. Unless of course we both work towards becoming more secure in our attachment style. But from everything I read, it's rare for an avoidant to become secure so I'm not holding my breath. So I have to somehow convince myself that this could never work in the future but it's difficult. Our "highs" were too high. We were compatible on so many levels. She's just like a drug. I'm having a hard time weaning off of her. I would probably "relapse" if she did come back to me. So NC continues. It's been about 4 months now. With the winter quickly approaching, it's more likely that we'll bump into each other. I'm really wondering how that will go. I'm guessing that she'll be super friendly and I'm afraid that I'll get my hopes up again. I don't wanna be "just" friends. That's not gonna work for me. At least not for a very long time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TooRational Posted November 27, 2016 Author Share Posted November 27, 2016 Alright, new development, gotta post an update. I finally saw my ex today while skiing. She was with another guy. I wasn't surprised. Not sure whether she's dating him or not but it doesn't matter in the least. The nice part was that I was with another woman too. A woman whom I met just yesterday actually. We made plans to go skiing together since we were both going to the same place anyhow. Anyway, I really like this new woman and maybe this will lead to something in the future. In the short term she's going away for a month for work. She is also recently separated (1 year like me) from a long-term relationship so we have that in common, and the skiing of course. She actually reminds me of my ex, not sure whether it's a good thing or not (full of energy, outgoing, always smiling, etc). I'm drawn to that even though I'm more laid back. So the encounter with my ex was quite brief and since we were both with someone else, of course we didn't catch up or anything, probably a good thing actually. I'm glad to know that she's most likely with another guy (since it doesn't get my hopes up) and I'm also glad that the encounter was brief (less chance of digging up old feelings). My feelings were mostly indifferent about the fact that she was with another guy. I take that as a sign that I'm on the right path. I fully admit that I'm not completely over her though. I still have feelings for her but I like the (single) life that I'm building for myself right now. I'm sure that this will help me tremendously in any future relationship. I'm not actively looking for someone right now and in a way I wish I had met this new woman a few months from now. I'm not quite sure that I'm ready just yet but I believe in taking advantage of opportunities as they present themselves. So we'll see. Bottom line is that I had an awesome day today with a great woman who seemed to enjoy my company too, and that day was not ruined in the least by meeting my ex. Happier days ahead. The clouds over my head seem to be clearing. So 5 months of NC seem to have worked for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetfish Posted November 28, 2016 Share Posted November 28, 2016 (edited) Holy bullet points.... You keep placing your self in a situation where your the rebounder. See you in a couple months Edited November 28, 2016 by Sweetfish 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TooRational Posted November 28, 2016 Author Share Posted November 28, 2016 So how long exactly do I have to wait until a new relationship won't be qualified as a rebound? Waiting until my feelings for my ex are completely gone seems quite unrealistic. I'm not jumping into a new relationship to fill a void in my life. I feel in a good place right now, much better than when I got into my last relationship (which was indeed a rebound). I've been living alone for the past 6 months and am able to be happy outside of a relationship. This should help avoid being too needy in the relationship, though I'm obviously still at risk. What do other people think? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts