What is the Attachment Style of my ex? ***Updated***

[TooRational]

Time for a little update. I did meet with her 3 weeks ago now. It was a great night. We had a 2-3 hours long discussion where we were able to talk about what happened, our feelings, etc. The best communication we had. For once I didn't feel that she was getting impatient and pissed about a "complicated" discussion.

 

We hugged deeply at the end and she kissed me. We both wanted sex badly and we had this amazing break-up sex. The best I ever had. We both didn't want it to stop. No regrets whatsoever. I actually felt better the next day but she's the one that felt a little ****ty, but no regrets for her either.

 

So I sorta got the closure that I wanted. But obviously it gave me hope for the future. She said "I'm not ready to tell you what you need to hear to move on". Reading between the lines, it meant that she wasn't ready to close the door completely on a possible future together.

 

We met again last Sunday with the kids at the park. We had agreed early on that the kids should meet one last time. I was hoping to get clarification about her current state of mind about an elusive future together. Nope. So I sent her an e-mail later asking for clarification because I couldn't stand "limbo mode" anymore.

 

Is still didn't get a clear answer but the closest I got was (translated from French, sorry if it sounds off):

I feel better when I'm not in a couple with you and not emotionally involved with you. That's my current state. I'm not currently in distress nor depressed, so I'm not far from my original self [she had been under lots of stress at work]. So right now, it looks like no, we won't be a couple anymore.

 

So I replied asking to go completely NC. She had proposed to stay friends earlier but I can't at this point. It wouldn't be healthy. Maybe later when we both have moved on.

 

I hope I can stay strong with NC. It's gonna be hard. I actually wrote another e-mail to tell her stuff that I forgot. Things I hesitated to tell her because I knew it would make her mad. Behaviors I didn't like during our relationship. Things I didn't think were fair. Basically putting a little blame on her as opposed to always take the blame for the failures, as I have a tendency to do. The e-mail is written and it has served its therapeutic purposes I think. I probably won't send it, hopefully. But it would make me feel good so I don't know.

[TooRational]

Now a few replies to the last comments. Sorry about the delay.

 

Blanco: you're right, at some point the over-analyzing has got to stop. I'm almost done now but not quite. I'm still gonna read about relationships in general because I'd like to be better prepared for my eventual next one. I'm sure you're right that it wouldn't have lasted anyhow because of our incompatible attachment style (if I'm right about that). So better breakup after 6 months than after 3 years I guess. At least we hadn't moved in together yet.

 

PennyP: Her parents divorced when she was young. Doesn't look like she's very close to either of her parents. She seems bitter about the way she was raised. When talking about them, she often mentioned the negatives such as "my mom didn't drive me around much, I was stuck at home" or "she didn't feed me well, I had anemia when I was training for biathlon". She also saw her mom get into lots of abusive relationships so she vowed to never depend on a man. She actually told me that in her 20s she would get angry at men who held the door open for her. She was refusing any help whatsoever from men.

 

Trinity7: Thanks for your positive words. Yes I'm trying to see it simply as an incompatibility issue. I think that if I wait until I'm happy by myself before getting into another relationship, I'll be in a better position not to fall into the neediness trap. That's my plan.

 

The way I see it is that one has to make some sacrifices in a relationship, such as diminished liberty. There is an expectation of spending time with your partner. It comes with great benefits however. Kinda like when you have children you lose some liberty but gain so much more. I'm perfectly happy to make this "sacrifice" but my ex was apparently not. She didn't like to feel pressured to spend time with me or worse, feeling judged when she didn't make enough time in her schedule for us.

[TooRational]

One week of NC now. It's slowly getting easier but it's still very hard. I'm actually thankful that she hasn't tried to contact me, if makes it easier to let go of any hope.

 

What helps is planning lots of stuff to look forward to: 3 running races, hiking trip next weekend, joining a speed skating club this winter, etc.

 

Thanks for all the help so far.

 

Once I'm totally over my ex (I'm thinking about 3 months) and I started dating again, I think I'll approach her to see if some occasional FWB action might be possible. If I reach a point where I'm convinced that I don't want a future with her even if she came back, then I think I would be strong enough for no-strings-attached fun sex. It's the best I ever had and I wouldn't mind getting some harmless fun again.

 

Emilia: I'm reading the book by Mark Manson, the guy from the website you recommended. Excellent so far. I like how he shows that the key to attract great partners is to improve yourself first and foremost. That's what I'm gonna try to do. I also realize now that there are things that I let fly in my past relationship that I shouldn't have, simply because I was too afraid of rejection. But then I wasn't being honest with myself, which is a mistake. Not exactly sure yet where to draw the line between healthy boundaries and simply being an intolerant bastard though.

 

I'll try to keep this thread updated as time goes on. Kinda like a journal of my recovery!

[LD1990]

Once I'm totally over my ex (I'm thinking about 3 months) and I started dating again, I think I'll approach her to see if some occasional FWB action might be possible.

 

Bad idea. It's very easy to get sucked into that emotional rabbit hole again when you've had feelings for someone before.

[Zahara]

Once I'm totally over my ex (I'm thinking about 3 months) and I started dating again, I think I'll approach her to see if some occasional FWB action might be possible. If I reach a point where I'm convinced that I don't want a future with her even if she came back, then I think I would be strong enough for no-strings-attached fun sex. It's the best I ever had and I wouldn't mind getting some harmless fun again.

 

Never works. It's a bad idea. Plus, don't be so quick to slap a 3 month period as to when you'll be over her. Sometimes we tend to rush these things because we're secretly looking to break contact at some point for fear of truly letting go.

[TooRational]

Yeah, you guys are probably right. It's just that the thought of no more sex with her is probably the hardest thing to let go. I'm slowly convincing myself that our relationship would never have worked anyway and I'm pretty sure that I'll be able to be completely over her soon. Having sex with her would indeed be quite risky but I'm still not totally opposed to it in the future. I might take the risk.

 

Just one more quick example of one thing that I will not accept in a future relationship: keeping all of the dating web sites profiles active after we became exclusive. She did this and in hindsight that was just one more hint that she wasn't ready to commit. She said that she wasn't logging in often and thus really didn't have lots of guys contacting her, but she found it a fun distraction to see the weirdos on there once in a while. She also didn't want to lose all the conversations she had with guys in the 11 weeks prior to meeting me.

 

To me it's really another good example of how she never really gave a thought about how her actions would make me feel. She wanted all the benefits of a relationship without any of the drawbacks, such as expectations, losing a little liberty, etc.

 

I'm sure she would say that I'm wrong and that's not how she felt. In the end it doesn't really matter what her intentions were. What matters is how she made me feel. And she made me feel like low priority in her life and I don't want to feel that again in another relationship.

[Blanco]

If you put any stock into attachment theory and your self-diagnosed attachment style, a FWB arrangement with anyone won't work for you, let alone with someone who is emotionally unavailable already.

[TooRational]

Yes, any kind of long term FWB wouldn't work for me, totally right. But I'm gonna try to work on myself in the coming months and this could kinda be seen as a "test" of how far along I went. But it's probably just tempting the devil.

 

Anyway, short term my job is to get over her and pardon myself for the feelings I had in my relationship. Some might have been overly "needy" but I also think that I did have some grounds to feel jealous about some of the things she did. In the end we just had different views of what constitutes a healthy relationship.

[TooRational]

Small update. I sorta broke NC today, not sure if it counts. I brought back some of her stuff to her house while she was away and left a jar of maple syrup as a gift I had promised before going NC (to kinda pay her back for some DIY maple syrup equipment she helped me get). I also left a small note asking her to leave a book she borrowed at my workplace front desk when she was finished with it.

 

So I didn't actually speak with her but now my anxiety is back. Is she gonna send me a thank you message for the maple syrup? Is she gonna read something into my gesture that I didn't intend? This was the last loose string. Now we have no more reason to keep in touch so I hope to be able to maintain NC going forward.

 

Not sure how I'm gonna react if she does contact me. I can't ignore her, that's just not me. Hopefully I'll be able to politely say that I'm not ready to speak with her yet.

 

Craziness making all these scenarios in my head. I gotta stop this anxiety somehow.

[Trinity_84]

How do you know whether you're pathologically anxious-preoccupied vs simply a Secure person that was driven towards anxiety by an avoidant partner? I did an online test and I'm secure with my friends and family. I was only anxious with my ex.

 

The only way to know if this is a problem within you is to determine if this a reocurring pattern in your relationships, in a general sense.

 

After my last relationship I realized I do have an anxious attachment style. I looked back at my past relationships and they are all different versions of the same thing. The partner only changing physically, they all pretty much embody my avoidant parent.

 

So looking back at your relationship history you could start seeing some behavioral patterns. If not, then maybe it was just a case of incompatibility and her bringing out some unresolved issues within you.

[Blanco]

Small update. I sorta broke NC today, not sure if it counts. I brought back some of her stuff to her house while she was away and left a jar of maple syrup as a gift I had promised before going NC (to kinda pay her back for some DIY maple syrup equipment she helped me get). I also left a small note asking her to leave a book she borrowed at my workplace front desk when she was finished with it.

 

So I didn't actually speak with her but now my anxiety is back. Is she gonna send me a thank you message for the maple syrup? Is she gonna read something into my gesture that I didn't intend? This was the last loose string. Now we have no more reason to keep in touch so I hope to be able to maintain NC going forward.

 

Not sure how I'm gonna react if she does contact me. I can't ignore her, that's just not me. Hopefully I'll be able to politely say that I'm not ready to speak with her yet.

 

Craziness making all these scenarios in my head. I gotta stop this anxiety somehow.

 

So you'd rather continue to feel anxious, read too much into anything she does, and basically put life on pause for her just because ignoring her is not you?

 

I read your posts and see uncanny parallels to my own experiences. And let me tell you something: You don't really start to heal until you completely cut ties. That doesn't just mean telling her you can't talk, because these people will generally pop back up in your life every now and again. Not because they want to be with you, but because they believe enough time has passed where you "should" be OK talking to them again. But that isn't their decision to make. It's yours. And trust me, no good comes of talking to them in ANY capacity until you have severed all romantic feelings for them.

 

I sense, unfortunately, that you will have to learn this the hard way in the coming weeks and months.

[TooRational]

Trinity: Thanks. I guess I'll need more experience to figure this out. I've only been in two serious relationships. The first one with my ex-wife lasted 18 years and I never really felt anxious. I also asked her and she confirmed that she didn't find me anxious-preoccupied. That last one really triggered anxious feelings however.

 

Blanco: You're probably right on everything, including that I'll need to learn the hard way. I think that the only way to "cure" my addiction to her is to get into another relationship. BUT I need to work on myself first. I can't get into another relationship before I make progress to be less needy. Meaning I need to start new activities, make new friends, build my confidence, etc... This is what I'm trying to do at the moment. Can't wait to be ready to date again. I'm looking forward to it.

 

So, she hasn't contacted me tonight. I actually feel relief.

[Blanco]

Life hack: Block her number and email so you don't spend every day/night wondering if she will contact you.

 

Take it from someone who is way further removed from a relationship like yours than you currently are. Healing isn't linear but the absolute worst thing I did for my healing was not immediately blocking all lines of communication.

 

To not do this is to openly subject yourself to daily anxiety. Blocking her is not rude. SHE broke up with you. Whatever helps you move on from her is what you need to do. Not doing those things because you don't want to come off as rude or mean only keeps her in control of your life.

[TooRational]

Thanks Blanco, I nead to hear this. It's so hard to let go. I just took another step and unfriended her on Facebook. I just couldn't stand always seeing her picture on my page (the list on the right) and also on Messenger.

 

I didn't go as far as blocking her though. Honestly I don't see the point. She has many ways of contacting me if she wants to and blocking everything off seems a bit too extreme. I mean, if she does start harassing me then I will but I highly doubt that this will happen. What is much more likely to happen is that we'll end bumping into each other at the ice skating rink this winter, as we both enjoy going there...

 

Hopefully it's gonna be easier now to take her off my mind. I'm really addicted to her still... Gosh the sex we had... it was such a high, like a drug.

[Sunkissedpatio]

.

 

Just one more quick example of one thing that I will not accept in a future relationship: keeping all of the dating web sites profiles active after we became exclusive. She did this and in hindsight that was just one more hint that she wasn't ready to commit. She said that she wasn't logging in often and thus really didn't have lots of guys contacting her, but she found it a fun distraction to see the weirdos on there once in a while. She also didn't want to lose all the conversations she had with guys in the 11 weeks prior to meeting me.

.

 

Oh dear TooRational, I was going to pipe in to say that I see what Bummer on the first page had said, that this relationship for this woman was a round. And now that I read what you just wrote it does look like it more so. Let's look at the facts, she was out of a 12 year marriage and had 10 f-buddies in 6 moths eeek! Then she meets you for a relationship and she manages to convince you that you were "too dependent" The sex is great and the companionship is a step up from a FWB situation but she uses every excuse to avoid all the intimacy points you laid out in the original post.

 

Sadly, it sounds like this woman when she is truly open of heart for a relationship she will ditch a lot of her independence and become far more attached in many of the respects she rejected in you.

 

Even if that isn't the case her attachment style clearly doesn't mesh with yours. So unless you have heard what she said to you over and over in past rels. then I don't think you were too need but that you were wanting what she clearly wasn't capable or willing to give. I would say she did a fairly good job at convincing you to be just a tad more than a FWB for ongoing emotional and sexual support on her terms.

Edited July 20, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

[Blanco]

I didn't go as far as blocking her though. Honestly I don't see the point. She has many ways of contacting me if she wants to and blocking everything off seems a bit too extreme. I mean, if she does start harassing me then I will but I highly doubt that this will happen. What is much more likely to happen is that we'll end bumping into each other at the ice skating rink this winter, as we both enjoy going there...

 

Hopefully it's gonna be easier now to take her off my mind. I'm really addicted to her still... Gosh the sex we had... it was such a high, like a drug.

 

Like I said, you'll need to learn the hard way. I understand that right now, you're in the stage where you're reluctant to truly cut her out of your life, because you fear it will keep her from returning. Eventually, you'll get sick of feeling stuck on a woman who's been gone for months (or longer), and you'l finally take the necessary actions to cleanse yourself of her.

 

Best of luck to you.

[TooRational]

Sunkissedpatio: Yes I'm pretty sure she would ditch some independence for the right guy, you're right. I wasn't the right guy. I think she was genuinely confused about what she wanted in this relationship for quite a long time (first 3 months) and even after the "I love you" moment, I always felt an hesitation. That triggered some anxiety on my part and we know the rest.

 

The anxiety really only happened for me after she committed in words but I didn't feel that her actions followed through.

 

Blanco: Again, probably right on all accounts. At this point I kinda want to leave the door open for a friendship later down the road because I truly enjoyed doing sports with her. But I'm really not sure that it would be healthy... Keeping an active friendship with an ex seems to always lead to complications for future relationships from what I read. Understandably so.

 

Love you avatar by the way. For some reason it reminds me of the gloomy Max Payne game I used to play several years ago.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Sunkissedpatio: Yes I'm pretty sure she would ditch some independence for the right guy, you're right. I wasn't the right guy. I think she was genuinely confused about what she wanted in this relationship for quite a long time (first 3 months) and even after the "I love you" moment, I always felt an hesitation. That triggered some anxiety on my part and we know the rest.

 

Exactly!! Thanks for pointing that out I was totally going to say this the other day when I made the post and I guess I forgot.

 

What I wanted to say was that some people bring out the worst in us, we may not be insecure, or needy, or feel like we need more time with someone and yet some people starve us to the point of bringing out those negative qualities in us. It sounds like this woman did that for you.

 

Again, unless that has been your pattern in past relationships then it is safe to say she brought out negative qualities in you.

[TooRational]

Just a quick update. Unfriending my ex on Facebook really has been a good move. I don't see her posts so I'm not reminded of her and I also don't worry about how she would perceive my own posts.

 

So NC and doing social activities really has been the key for me. I went on a group hiking trip last weekend and it was a blast.

 

I can't say that I'm completely over her but I'm on the road to recovery. The more time passes, the more I don't feel like I'd like another chance with someone who dumped me. She had her chance already and she (we) blew it.

 

Now my main challenge is to keep away from dating because I don't feel quite ready and I'm very busy right now and I have plans to keep very busy through winter to achieve some sport challenges I set for myself. Still, the temptation is great to date.

 

I met this girl last weekend who I feel some chemistry with but at this point I'd only be interested in casual sex. My feeling is that this is not what she's looking for so I'm not sure what to do. We are both reserved so it makes it difficult to figure out each other's feelings. I'm also very inexperienced with dating (an 18 years relationship will do that to you) so I'm not good at reading signs.

[LD1990]

Good for unfriending your ex and getting out there.

 

Casual sex is awesome, you should definitely go for it. As long as you're not the type to desperately jump into a new relationship to fill that hole your ex left, there's nothing wrong with dating around and having some fun. Life is short and I haven't met many guys who've said "I really wish I'd slept with fewer girls." Actually, I haven't met any who have said that. A lot of people recommend that you don't date after a breakup, but I've found that getting a couple lays under your belt helps quite a bit. It's fun, it makes you feel like a man, and it reminds you of the benefits of being single.

 

My ex did a number on me. She was my first real girlfriend, I was heart broken, and she had some serious issues that had people on here even recommending I see a therapist. I gave it about 2 weeks after my breakup before I started dating again. I wasn't over her yet, I certainly wasn't recovered, but I also know I'm not the type of person to settle into a relationship solely to fulfill my emotional needs. I love sex, I don't lead girls on about what I want, so there's really no harm.

 

As far as you wondering if this girl is into you...screw reading signs. If you think she's interested, she probably is, so act on it. The best way to get better at dating is taking risks. Add more physical contact, go for a kiss, unhook her bra, you're the man so you're expected to lead (especially if she's reserved). What's the worst that can happen? She turns you down? So ****ing what. On to the next one.

[TooRational]

Thanks for your advice LD1990. Yes, she's probably interested enough that I should take my chances. She's mentioned her hot tub a few times and a simple message such as "I'd like to get a chance to try out that hot tub of yours some day" could go help clarify my intentions and test the waters. Finishing the night after diner in her hot tub could get really interesting...

The problem is that I'm afraid to fall in love.

 

Back 9 months ago I was kinda in the same spot and went on Tinder for casual sex. Well, I ended up falling in love with the very first girl that I chatted with like 48h after joining (the one mentioned in this thread). Beginner's luck I guess. So, didn't get a chance to "get a few under my belt". Not complaining though, sex was awesome with her.

 

My point is, I believe in taking advantage of opportunities if they present themselves and hence I'm afraid that casual sex/dating could turn into a relationship, and I don't want that right now.

 

I'm really on the fence on that one. But hey, I see this as a positive sign that I'm getting emotionally independent enough to not want another relationship at all cost.

[TooRational]

Another update.

 

I'm really on the path to recovery now, I can go days without thinking about my ex. I'm currently reading "Attached" by Levine and it has helped me a lot to understand my past relationship (only issue is that it makes me think about her). It's crazy how accurate it is. I'm now convinced it could have never worked out between me and my ex, unless we both changed our attachment styles towards Secure but that would have been highly unlikely. I think I'll be ready to talk to her again in about two months if I run into her at the ice rink (quite likely).

 

I'm doing lots of self-improvement right now, mainly physically. I started doing weight lifting. I'd like to add at least 20 pounds of muscles (I'm 140 lbs at 6') for self-confidence but also to be more robust to injuries. I've been doing lots of different and new sports in the past year and I've been injured too often.

 

Despite being injured often (latest being ankle injury requiring crutches a month ago) I'm in the best shape of my life right now. I have a 10k race this Sunday and I'm aiming to set a PB of 45 min. So fun.

 

I'm not back into dating yet but it's interesting how I think I'll now go with the mindset of "finding someone that I like" rather than "finding someone who likes me". Subtle but VERY big difference there. I'm more self-confident now and I'll be even more so in a few months.

[TooRational]

Another update...

 

NC for almost 3 months now but I'm apparently not over my ex yet, at all. I started dating a new girl recently but I can't stop thinking about my ex and comparing my date to her.

 

The dating is not going anywhere. I gave it a try but I'm not too interested in her after all. I'd only be interested in casual sex, not a relationship. I hope I'll have the balls to tell her soon. I'm giving her false hope at the moment and it's really not fair but we only dated twice. I'd feel like a total jerk if we had sex on the third date and then dumped her. So I have to be honest about my feelings for her.

 

The flip side of the coin is that my feelings for my ex took a while to develop. It wasn't love at first sight. It was the great sex that kept the relationship going until we grew fond of each other. But with this date things are progressing slowly, we are both reserved and kinda shy so we have yet to kiss (I was sick on the 2nd date so kissing was not really an option).

 

This dating game is all new to me. I find it hard to dump someone, even at the early dating stage. I also find it hard to be honest about my feelings and intentions. It takes some courage that I don't quite have yet it seems.

 

This kinda confirms that I'm not ready for dating yet. I just couldn't resist the opportunity to "play the game" with that girl I met. In the end I don't think that it was fair for her because I don't have time for a relationship right now and I'm also apparently not over my ex yet.

 

Here I am over-analyzing everything again...

[TooRational]

I feel a little depressed tonight and writing helps me so here it goes. For the past 2 weeks, I've been thinking a lot more about my ex. Not sure why. Still no plan to break NC but I sometimes wonder what is happening to her. She had like 10 partners in 3 months before meeting me (after her own LTR breakup). We broke up 4 months ago now so chances are that she went back at it again, while I only dated one girl for a short time. But maybe she also regrets her decision somewhat. I really wonder if she wishes it would have worked between us, like I do, or if she has almost forgotten about me.

 

Anyhow, my life is not easy. Bored at work. My ex-wife is suicidal. Attempted suicide twice 4 months ago and she's had ups and downs since. Considered suicide again about 10 days ago. She's caught in a toxic relationship with a violent man. She often reaches out to me first but I don't know what to do anymore to help. I feel helpless. The health system here has let her down. What doesn't help is that a common friend of ours has a very "hands off" approach and basically says that there's nothing we can do for her. She has to help herself. I disagree but at the same time I know that she needs to stop relying on me for help.

 

I'm probably depressed tonight because I'm home alone on a Friday night. I know that I need to learn how to be happy by myself before I can start a new healthy relationship but it's not necessarily easy. I would feel better with a more active social life. I'm trying to improve this aspect of my life but changes don't happen overnight. I joined a speed skating club and I'm enjoying the training so far but the social interaction is limited to these trainings.

 

There's also a web site I joined where people meet to do sports together (not really a dating site but that can obviously happen). I'm tempted to reach out to some girls on there to do stuff but I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I might catch feelings for one of them and screw it up because I'm not ready for a new relationship.

 

My plan for the next 6 months is to work on myself. I'd like to start and maintain a meditation habit. I'm training for a winter triathlon in February. I'd like to do weight lifting to put on ~20 lbs of muscle on my skinny frame but I've been struggling with a shoulder injury for 2 months, so can't do that right now. I also kinda need to wait until my ex-wife life is more stable before dating, because right now I often need to take care of the kids unexpectedly when she cannot handle them anymore.

 

Enough rambling for tonight. Thanks for reading that far if you did.

[LD1990]

Hey TooRational, just wanted to let you know that I read your last couple updates. I feel your pain regarding thinking of your ex, that still happens to me sometimes too. It comes and goes. I think it's nostalgia in my case, reflecting on good times.

 

Hang tough man and keep improving yourself.