Infidelity vs. Rape.

[RecentChange]

I am not going to say BS's aren't victims.

 

But unlike a rape victim, the BS chose their partner. Unlike most rape victims, the BS chose to put their trust onto their spouse.

 

Perhaps it is so painful because this person you chose betrayed you. But it is a person you picked, and poured your heart into. There was a level of choice there.

 

Most rape victims do not choose their attackers.

[Whoknew30]

Do you think that BS's have control over their cheating spouses? I know I didn't. I didn't even know I was being cheated on until over a year after it had begun and then was lied to repeatedly and made to feel crazy for another 6 months before the truth came out. I was absolutely a victim of his choices. What he did hurt me, hurt my son and forever changed the way I view relationships. I had no control over what he chose to do. I was a victim. Your statement makes it sound like this is not possible and to be honest, that is offensive.

 

Do you think that BS's have control over their cheating spouses? I know I didn't. I didn't even know I was being cheated on until over a year after it had begun and then was lied to repeatedly and made to feel crazy for another 6 months before the truth came out. I was absolutely a victim of his choices. What he did hurt me, hurt my son and forever changed the way I view relationships. I had no control over what he chose to do. I was a victim. Your statement makes it sound like this is not possible and to be honest, that is offensive.

 

Once you found out, you could divorce. You had control over the consequences of his choices. When I found I was sick, I had no control. If someone steals from you, you can file a report but you have no control. If accosted, you can call the police but you have no control. If raped, you can call the police but no control. My point is no matter how bad it hurts, once the BS knows, they take back control of their situation. You had no control of what he did, but you still had the control of your next step...so how can one compare that to someone that has faced something that they have absolutely no control over? Like if someone kills your kid, you have no control over if justice will be served. If sick, you can't just control the situation once the dr tells you.

 

 

In my opinion a "true" victim is completely powerless in every aspect the situation, including the outcome. BS control the outcome of their situation, many others can not. Not saying it's not hurtful or hard, but a BS is not powerless.

[Raena]

Once you found out, you could divorce. You had control over the consequences of his choices. When I found I was sick, I had no control. If someone steals from you, you can file a report but you have no control. If accosted, you can call the police but you have no control. If raped, you can call the police but no control. My point is no matter how bad it hurts, once the BS knows, they take back control of their situation. You had no control of what he did, but you still had the control of your next step...so how can one compare that to someone that has faced something that they have absolutely no control over? Like if someone kills your kid, you have no control over if justice will be served. If sick, you can't just control the situation once the dr tells you.

 

 

In my opinion a "true" victim is completely powerless in every aspect the situation, including the outcome. BS control the outcome of their situation, many others can not. Not saying it's not hurtful or hard, but a BS is not powerless.

 

The only thing a betrayed spouse can control is whether or not they will choose to stay or leave... but believe you me, there are plenty of things the BS can NOT control after infidelity is discovered. And really, defining a victim based on whether or not the person can control the situation is just well, bizarre to me. Yeah, sure, I chose to love someone who betrayed my trust. But rape victims do many times know their rapists... sometimes very well and often it's someone they trusted and chose to have in their lives. It's not about the choices you made or the ability to control the situation. Being a victim means that someone did harm to you.

 

The actual definition for a victim is as follows:

a person harmed, injured, or killed as a result of a crime, accident, or other event or action.

 

No where in there does it say anything about being able to control the situation either before, during or after. It also doesn't say anything about being powerless.

 

A victim is a victim. If you are hurt by something that someone did to you or some situation that occurred, then you are a victim of those circumstances. I've had both happen to me and to be honest, I can see the correlation between the feelings I had for both situations. The problem is, my feelings about it or my ability to control the situation doesn't define me as a victim. The circumstances that occurred and the way I was treated makes me a victim. We all have choices about how to respond to any given situation...

[Whoknew30]

Not a true victim? This seems to imply that ones suffering must be total, and uncontrollable in order to be considered a true victim.

 

I had absolutely no control over my wife's betrayal. No control over the many many lies told and dollars spent, and health risks taken. I had no control of whether she had gotten pregnant or contracted HIV, or decided to try to take my children away. The most painful thing about it might actually be that that you DO have absolutely no control over any of what HAPPENED. Key word: Happened.

 

Sure, I can control how I react to a traumatic experience, but so can any victim right?

 

I bet you there are totally healthy victims of rape, assault, drunk drivers, freak accidents and near-terminal sicknesses out there who look at it objectively, understand that bad things sometimes happen to good people, and go on with their lives. Has to be. Nothing is universal.

 

That's like telling someone they can't be TRULY hungry unless they are starving in Sub Saharan Africa.

 

I mean if you were raped, I guess you aren't TRULY a victim unless you were murdered too? Where does it end? Or better yet, where does being a victim begin?

 

 

Any of those healthy victims you speak of were completely helpless to their predators & or the outcome of their situations. I'm not saying you weren't hurt & upset...anyone would be. Your wife cheated & it sucks! Having a illness that they told me was terminal, yes I understand bad things happen but not to the point to compare to a situation that one couldn't ever have a say so in what happens. So your murder & rape victim thing doesn't make sense bc a rape victim has no say in their attackers fate, like the BS has in what in their circumstance. You had control if she took your kids, you can't just take someone's kids. Unless she ran away out of the country & then yes, you would have been a victim. You mention a lot of could have happened, I'm comparing to things that did happen. Those things didn't happen, you didn't get AIDS, she didn't get pregnant, you didn't lose your kids...one isn't a victim bc something "could have happened". You can be pissed she put you in that position but those things didn't happen. That's like saying I could have had cancer but then the test came out negative.

 

Also in America if you really look you can get food. There are soup kitchens, food stamps & churches...in the middle of Africa you're on you're own with no options or help...so once again completely different circumstances

[TrustedthenBusted]

Any of those healthy victims you speak of were completely helpless to their predators & or the outcome of their situations. I'm not saying you weren't hurt & upset...anyone would be. Your wife cheated & it sucks! Having a illness that they told me was terminal, yes I understand bad things happen but not to the point to compare to a situation that one couldn't ever have a say so in what happens. So your murder & rape victim thing doesn't make sense bc a rape victim has no say in their attackers fate, like the BS has in what in their circumstance. You had control if she took your kids, you can't just take someone's kids. Unless she ran away out of the country & then yes, you would have been a victim. You mention a lot of could have happened, I'm comparing to things that did happen. Those things didn't happen, you didn't get AIDS, she didn't get pregnant, you didn't lose your kids...one isn't a victim bc something "could have happened". You can be pissed she put you in that position but those things didn't happen. That's like saying I could have had cancer but then the test came out negative.

 

Also in America if you really look you can get food. There are soup kitchens, food stamps & churches...in the middle of Africa you're on you're own with no options or help...so once again completely different circumstances

 

Ok this actually happened.

 

My wife got her purse stolen.

 

She replaced her license, cancelled her credit cards, replaced the purse, replaced the car window, changed the locks on the car and house ( because her keys were in there ) replaced her cell phone, and wrote the rest of the stuff off.

 

Question. Was she a victim?

 

 

 

Yeah, my wife didn't contract AIDS or get pregnant. But do you think knowing that NOW helped me get one ounce of comfort for the year we kept having her take HIV tests?

 

I mean....your terminal illness wasn't actually terminal right? So I guess you weren't REALLY a victim?

[Whoknew30]

The only thing a betrayed spouse can control is whether or not they will choose to stay or leave... but believe you me, there are plenty of things the BS can NOT control after infidelity is discovered. And really, defining a victim based on whether or not the person can control the situation is just well, bizarre to me. Yeah, sure, I chose to love someone who betrayed my trust. But rape victims do many times know their rapists... sometimes very well and often it's someone they trusted and chose to have in their lives. It's not about the choices you made or the ability to control the situation. Being a victim means that someone did harm to you.

 

The actual definition for a victim is as follows:

a person harmed, injured, or killed as a result of a crime, accident, or other event or action.

 

No where in there does it say anything about being able to control the situation either before, during or after. It also doesn't say anything about being powerless.

 

A victim is a victim. If you are hurt by something that someone did to you or some situation that occurred, then you are a victim of those circumstances. I've had both happen to me and to be honest, I can see the correlation between the feelings I had for both situations. The problem is, my feelings about it or my ability to control the situation doesn't define me as a victim. The circumstances that occurred and the way I was treated makes me a victim. We all have choices about how to respond to any given situation

 

 

Ive had both happen to me also & I did know who did it to me but I was powerless over the outcome. My H cheating did not make me powerless, so it does define me being a victim bc I have a choice in my outcome. My sickness, no choice in my personal outcome. Victim is a word thrown around extremely easily now a days & no my H & I infidelities were nothing like rape & sickness. Not even in the same ballpark. I do not see my self as a "victim" of Adultery. My H cheated (as did I later) it sucked I moved on. There was no trust issues, it changed me in no way, I was never insecure from it & it did not destroy me & I didnt allow to affect my kids. They saw both of us everyday (we did separate) & got through it fine...so they weren't victims either.

 

also in the definition, it says hurt. So now if I say something that hurts your feelings, you'd consider yourself a victim. See how easy it can be misconstrued in the "victim" direction? IMO, I just never have had a victim mentality. If I can control something/the out come, I don't feel like a victim. I sure as hell did when that older man did what he did to me as a teen & laying in that hospital bed. Never did I feel that way bc of the A.

Edited June 10, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quote

[AMJ]

Oh dear God this is wrong. BS's spend YEARS sometimes trying to piece together what happened to them, and sometimes the pieces are scattered along over multiple affairs, and several years. Until you've had your entire memory overwritten, it's hard to explain. Granted, it is still not as horrific as a direct sexual assault, but it is not something to be glossed over. People have killed over infidelity, and gone insane over it, and sunken into deep deep depressions over it. So...black and white? Sure. But no less destructive.

 

Listen, I hear you completely. But I guess I'm not sure what it is we are talking about. We are describing the pain and suffering of two different traumatic experiences, right? Both involving similar circumstances, similar reactions, similar experiences and similar outcomes, yes?

 

Sure, the violations are different from one another, and we could go on all day discussing specific experiences and specific cases that totally differ from one another, but to what end?

 

At the end of it all, both situations cause suffering, and I don't see any benefit in pitting them against each other when everyone involved just needs support and understanding.

 

Anyway, that's probably the last I will say about that. My intent again was to let people who are really hurting know that the pain doesn't have to last forever.

 

Thanks though.

 

I thought you were saying that being cheated on is just as traumatic and damaging as being raped, am I wrong?

 

I'm still not sure why you want to make that parallel. I don't see any benefit in pitting them against each other either, since they are extremely different things in my experience. You started this thread to compare them or something...idk.

 

What I meant about trying to piece together what happened....you're not getting it again. Yes, if you're trying to make sense of how your relationship ended, what went wrong, why she cheated, etc. That's painful yes. But when a person cannot remember being attacked and maybe only remembers bits and pieces and blurry flashbacks...it's like knowing that this horrible unspeakable thing happened to you, but not being quite sure if you wanted it to happen or if you were a victim of a crime. And then the stigma of being damaged goods, no one will want you ever again because you're worthless.

 

When I saw the news today that the Stanford rapist has I think 39 letters of support from people who knew him, and then I thought about this thread. When someone cheats on their spouse, in my experience, they typically get outcasted from their friends and sometimes family. Obviously every situation is different. But I can think of a few examples of people I know who literally LOST friends because they cheated. And here is this guy who was convicted of raping a woman because there were actual witnesses who saw it happening, and he actually has not just one, not two, not five- but thirty-NINE people who are willing to stake their own reputations to vouch for him and say he's a good guy?

How messed UP is our society where a rapist gets more support from his friends than a guy who cheats on his wife.

 

Idk. I'm not offended by this comparison, but it's really just not right- sorry. I was waiting for you to have a reason that justifies it, but it seems like you just want to make sense of the pain and feelings that go along with being victimized. Being cheated on is a terrible thing, but I see no point in comparing it to rape. I'll bugger off now.

Edited June 10, 2016 by AMJ

[anika99]

I am not going to say BS's aren't victims.

 

But unlike a rape victim, the BS chose their partner. Unlike most rape victims, the BS chose to put their trust onto their spouse.

 

Perhaps it is so painful because this person you chose betrayed you. But it is a person you picked, and poured your heart into. There was a level of choice there.

 

Most rape victims do not choose their attackers.

 

Actually a lot of rape victims did know their attackers and did trust them. Rape happens in all manners of situations. My ex tried to rape me but I was able to fight him off and get away. We were living together as romantic partners at the time. I chose him and I trusted him but during our time spent living together his alcohol abuse spiraled out of control and he changed. Our relationship was coming apart and one morning he decided he was going to have sex with me weather I wanted it or not. He wasn't even really drunk, he had been drinking heavily the night before and had been sleeping for a couple of hours so he may have still been somewhat drunk but he wasn't mentally incapacitated. I told fought like hell and I think he let me get away because I was also screaming my face off and we had tenants living in the suite downstairs who may have called the police. Had he succeeded it definitely would have been rape, by someone I chose and trusted.

[Whoknew30]

Ok this actually happened.

 

My wife got her purse stolen.

 

She replaced her license, cancelled her credit cards, replaced the purse, replaced the car window, changed the locks on the car and house ( because her keys were in there ) replaced her cell phone, and wrote the rest of the stuff off.

 

Question. Was she a victim?

 

 

 

Yeah, my wife didn't contract AIDS or get pregnant. But do you think knowing that NOW helped me get one ounce of comfort for the year we kept having her take HIV tests?

 

I mean....your terminal illness wasn't actually terminal right? So I guess you weren't REALLY a victim?

 

I was in 5% that made it & I laid in bed since after having a baby, which is what caused my marital problems. Said it must of sucked but once again, having tets makes it nowhere the same as being sick & raped. a Your wife cheated, you had to take a test that came out negative, sorry but I had an AIDS test while pregnant, i was negative & that's it. You kept getting AIDS test for a year? Coming from the medical field, that's a little excessive. You didn't have it, you don't get to claim that being tested for something is just as difficult as actually contracting it. I could have gotten AIDS from rape that's the last thing I think about when I think back.

 

Did you stay with her?

[Whoknew30]

You did stay with her! Sorry but it's nothing of the same of what you're comparing especially if you stayed in the marriage. I'm also at 7 years & we can't even remember what day dday was on but I sure remember the day I was raped & the day the dr called me & my whole family into his office. You don't stay with someone if it was as bad as rape...you choose to stay, talk to victims & see if they forgive their attackers, I sure don't. Did your wife forgive the guy that stood her purse.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Sigh....I honestly don't know of another way to say it, so I'll just repeat what I've been saying.

 

I will tell you this.... I am NOWHERE NEAR the place today, that I was when I wrote this. So if this is how you feel now, please know that years later, those feelings can be a vague and distant memory.

 

 

I mean no disrespect to victims of rape. Today I would never compare what I went through as a BS to what you may have gone through.

 

 

First, let me reiterate that I do not compare the two, and my rational mind completely understands that rape is a far more heinous crime than a cheating spouse.

 

 

 

This was meant to be shared with a very specific crowd who ( possibly) would better understand the intent, relative to my other posts. Again, sorry to offend.

 

 

We are describing the pain and suffering of two different traumatic experiences, ... the violations are different from one another.

 

 

My intent again was to let people who are really hurting know that the pain doesn't have to last forever.

 

 

Hopefully these snippets make clear what I've apparently been unable to express properly. Rape is worse. Much worse. Awful. The worst of the worst. Being cheated on is a walk in the park compared to being raped. ( although it's like a walk through a park where you get mugged ) OK?

 

But infidelity is, for most people ( except apparently the two people on earth who didn't seem all that bothered by it and happen to be in the same internet forum) a very traumatic experience that leads to many of the same thoughts, reactions, fears, doubts and issues as any other traumatic experience including...yes....rape.

 

So yes, AMJ. I am not comparing the two things as being equal. Never did. Not even close. I merely suggested that they are both traumatic, and the ACT of Rape and the ACT of cheating share similarities in that they are uncaring, irrevocable, damaging, reckless, often recurring, life altering acts that have shattered people's trust and destroyed families.

 

And I still that that comparison is a fair one.

[RecentChange]

I promise you. It's not just two people. I know people in real life (2 close friends, my sister, my brother) who have experienced infidelity and where not as utterly shattered as you describe.

 

I stand by the fact that I think people that have had such extreme experiences is due to abuse, not the act of your partner having secret sex with another.

[keiji]

It's completely impossible to make generalizations on such painful events. I was cheated on by my wife after 9 years of relationship and that was not what hit me hardest at all. In fact, it was quite easy to digest and in fact sped my recovery (I was totally unable to miss somebody like that). I also know people who've been victims of unfaithfulness and were severely traumatized and haven't had a healthy relationship since then.

[TrustedthenBusted]

 

I stand by the fact that I think people that have had such extreme experiences is due to abuse, not the act of your partner having secret sex with another.

 

This is not actually a fact. It's an interesting theory though.

[TrustedthenBusted]

It's completely impossible to make generalizations on such painful events. I was cheated on by my wife after 9 years of relationship and that was not what hit me hardest at all. In fact, it was quite easy to digest and in fact sped my recovery (I was totally unable to miss somebody like that). I also know people who've been victims of unfaithfulness and were severely traumatized and haven't had a healthy relationship since then.

 

Agreed. I can only really talk about my own experience, and am probably guilty of making some generalizations.

 

That said, I can see myself being both of the people you describe. I was devastated the first time. But if it happened again, I think it would be pretty easy to shrug off and move forward.

 

I contend that you can only REALLY have your heart broken once.

[Whoknew30]

Agreed. I can only really talk about my own experience, and am probably guilty of making some generalizations.

 

That said, I can see myself being both of the people you describe. I was devastated the first time. But if it happened again, I think it would be pretty easy to shrug off and move forward.

 

I contend that you can only REALLY have your heart broken once.

 

It's all about perspective & IMO being mentally emotionally healthy. If one is mentally/emotionally healthy an A will hurt but you'll still be able to get along ok. I would wake up, cry, get up & go along with my day, just like any other day. My H has always been a emotionally off & wasn't that way at first. Though he worked on it & now we actually make jokes about our infidelities, like I laugh about how I caught him bc it was so stupid. No relationship including my marriage, would ever make or break me bc I just won't allow it. I love him but I'll survive & be just fine no matter what happens. I'll always have control of my self & emotions bc I know I hold that power, no one else does not even my H.

 

Now as you said people kill & do a lot of other things bc of infidelity. Those people had problems way before that A happened. Once again emotionally/mentally healthy people don't go & do something like that bc they were hurt. Also if a BS chooses to never trust again, that's not on their WS that's on them. They are choosing to be that way. I was raped, should I never trust another man ever? like I said, no you don't have control over being cheated on but a BS sure as hell has control over everything else & definitely over themselves & their actions also...how hypocritical to say, there's no excuse for an A but bc i was hurt I have every excuse to behave how I want & it's the WS fault. No, everyone has control over themselves, no one gets a pass for bad behavior in any way.

[ladydesigner]

I will never understand the point of view of an A not being traumatic. An A is a trauma whether you would like to believe it or not or there wouldn't be so many hurt people on these forums still here year after year like myself.

 

My molestation was different from my rape which was different than being beat up by my ex which was different from my WH's emotional abuse and infidelity.

 

All of them caused me trauma. All of them caused different reactions and ptsd symptoms for me (which by the way have NEVER gone away I live with this and have had over 10 years of therapy). My WH's infidelity never leaves my mind, it has lessened but never leaves. How is this not traumatic?

 

Good for you if you never felt anything. You know what I would give to not feel anything over this infidelity?

 

A majority of people are traumatized and I'm standing by it and I have been abused many times in many ways.

Edited June 10, 2016 by ladydesigner

[RecentChange]

I standby my comment that if it weren't for all of the abuse, it wouldn't be so traumatic.

 

Emotional, verbal or other abuse has never been a part of my relationship - not before, during, or after infidelity.

 

[Actually I have never experienced abuse, not by a parent or partner]

 

And I think that is a big reason why we, as a couple were able to overcome it without so much anguish. Sure, there was emotional pain and suffering, but not this end of the world business.

[Whoknew30]

I will never understand the point of view of an A not being traumatic. An A is a trauma whether you would like to believe it or not or there wouldn't be so many hurt people on these forums still here year after year like myself.

 

My molestation was different from my rape which was different than being beat up by my ex which was different from my WH's emotional abuse and infidelity.

 

All of them caused me trauma. All of them caused different reactions and ptsd symptoms for me (which by the way have NEVER gone away I live with this and have had over 10 years of therapy). My WH's infidelity never leaves my mind, it has lessened but never leaves. How is this not traumatic?

 

Good for you if you never felt anything. You know what I would give to not feel anything over this infidelity?

 

A majority of people are traumatized and I'm standing by it and I have been abused many times in many ways.

 

I think you being abused other way definitely adds to the A (like my mom). I see why she put up with it bc she had so many other issues from the past.

 

My grandfather told me something when I was a teen. A man that moved across the world alone as a pre-teenager by himself bc his family was killed in war. He said "if something doesn't kill you & you walk around as it had then you might as well be dead". Life is a gift & bad things are going to happen & it may take a second to get over it but if you wallow, you now have choosen that & you're being disrespectful to yourself. That's just my take on it...I'm not saying I'm right or anyone else is wrong but one does have control of their destiny & self & why put up with something that was so traumatic? If I felt that way, I never would have stayed in my marriage.

[TrustedthenBusted]

You did stay with her! Sorry but it's nothing of the same of what you're comparing especially if you stayed in the marriage. I'm also at 7 years & we can't even remember what day dday was on but I sure remember the day I was raped & the day the dr called me & my whole family into his office. You don't stay with someone if it was as bad as rape...you choose to stay, talk to victims & see if they forgive their attackers, I sure don't. Did your wife forgive the guy that stood her purse.

 

Yes, I did choose to stay. I'll table for the moment the notion that my choice to stay somehow lessens the severity of what she did to our marriage and family though.

 

I do remember D-Day. It's a date on the calendar like any other, so I remember it, but it no longer holds any power over me or affects my mood. Again, it is not as bad as rape, and not in the same category. But surviving infidelity takes more than just a healthy outlook. It takes work. It takes difficult conversations. It takes total honesty and a willingness to change what was broken even if you don't want to admit some of it was your fault.

 

And it takes a willingness to accept that some of the damage to trust or credibility will never feel totally undone and forge ahead with the best of intentions.

 

I got to a healthy place eventually, which is precisely what this thread was originally about. And while we certainly don't laugh about her infidelities ( I can't imagine why anyone would find betrayal funny ) we do discuss it when it's relevant, and learn from past mistakes.

[TrustedthenBusted]

I standby my comment that if it weren't for all of the abuse, it wouldn't be so traumatic.

 

.

 

I was never abused as a child, and had a very fun upbringing in a loving environment. In fact, I've been luckier than most. I'm a well adjusted, sane, rational, healthy person with a pretty positive outlook, and life circumstances outside of a damaged marriage that many people would be envious of.

 

And it was traumatic as hell. It was a long fall from a high place. And I don't think I am an exception to the rule.

[ladydesigner]

I think you being abused other way definitely adds to the A (like my mom). I see why she put up with it bc she had so many other issues from the past.

 

My grandfather told me something when I was a teen. A man that moved across the world alone as a pre-teenager by himself bc his family was killed in war. He said "if something doesn't kill you & you walk around as it had then you might as well be dead". Life is a gift & bad things are going to happen & it may take a second to get over it but if you wallow, you now have choosen that & you're being disrespectful to yourself. That's just my take on it...I'm not saying I'm right or anyone else is wrong but one does have control of their destiny & self & why put up with something that was so traumatic? If I felt that way, I never would have stayed in my marriage.

 

I hear ya I shouldn't have stayed in my M post Dday. I had no idea my WH was one of the unremorseful ones or I didn't want to accept it for the longest time.

 

I haven't posted anything about this yet, but I have recently asked for a divorce because I couldn't stand being treated like a second class citizen anymore. My WH recently admitted he doesn't like me either so I have no other choice than to pull the plug. It's been a rough last couple of days for me. I'm sure I am in trigger central

 

I am currently seeking an IC for myself again. I really need it.

[Whoknew30]

Yes, I did choose to stay. I'll table for the moment the notion that my choice to stay somehow lessens the severity of what she did to our marriage and family though.

 

I do remember D-Day. It's a date on the calendar like any other, so I remember it, but it no longer holds any power over me or affects my mood. Again, it is not as bad as rape, and not in the same category. But surviving infidelity takes more than just a healthy outlook. It takes work. It takes difficult conversations. It takes total honesty and a willingness to change what was broken even if you don't want to admit some of it was your fault.

 

And it takes a willingness to accept that some of the damage to trust or credibility will never feel totally undone and forge ahead with the best of intentions.

 

 

I got to a healthy place eventually, which is precisely what this thread was originally about. And while we certainly don't laugh about her infidelities ( I can't imagine why anyone would find betrayal funny ) we do discuss it when it's relevant, and learn from past mistakes.

 

I just couldn't stay in a situation that I was traumatized by, IMO that isn't healthy. It would be like being friends with my rapist. I stayed bc it wasn't traumatic...I could forgive but not stay if i had felt that way.

 

The way I caught him was so dumb, that it makes me laugh, once again I can laugh bc I didn't find it traumatic.

[Whoknew30]

I hear ya I shouldn't have stayed in my M post Dday. I had no idea my WH was one of the unremorseful ones or I didn't want to accept it for the longest time.

 

I haven't posted anything about this yet, but I have recently asked for a divorce because I couldn't stand being treated like a second class citizen anymore. My WH recently admitted he doesn't like me either so I have no other choice than to pull the plug. It's been a rough last couple of days for me. I'm sure I am in trigger central

 

I am currently seeking an IC for myself again. I really need it.

 

I'm going to tell you about something that just happened yesterday.

 

My aunt divorced my uncle after 42 years of marriage. Now she told us, she loves him & will be there for him till he day he dies but if she didn't do this, he'll never respect her. After the way he treated her you'd think she'd be upset but no, it's him. She changed her name back too, she allows him to live with her but after all this time, she has had it.

 

Now my dad did change & I think he's now even afraid of my mom, but it took years & also culturally & knowing what he went through in his life is why my mom is still there. If you've given your all & its continued, than I think you should have respect for yourself & do what makes you happy. I know it's going to be hard & scary & he may even change bc of it but do what is best for you healthy & you won't go wrong. I send prayers to you...remember we're all tough we just have to choose it

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I was never abused as a child, and had a very fun upbringing in a loving environment. In fact, I've been luckier than most. I'm a well adjusted, sane, rational, healthy person with a pretty positive outlook, and life circumstances outside of a damaged marriage that many people would be envious of.

 

And it was traumatic as hell. It was a long fall from a high place. And I don't think I am an exception to the rule.

 

I am not talking about past abuses necessarily - more at the hands of the WS.

 

I don't know your whole story - come D day, how did your spouse react? What was the aftermath? What was the nature of her cheating? All these factors play in as well.

 

I have read many accounts on here about WS who are verbally abusive, or deny the whole thing, or do not show true remorse, basically do many many things to add fuel to the fire. I am left thinking, WHY the hell do you accept and put up with this?!

 

My experience wasn't so horrible. Bad? Yes. Some of the saddest days I have ever experienced, yep. Angish like described by some here? Nope, not even close. Like Whoknew has said - I can't imagine seeking reconciliation if I was so terribly damaged by the experience.

 

I am not saying cheating isn't damaging for some, it very obviously is - but it is not a universal. You are NOT seeing a random cross section of society on this board - this is a select group who sought out a relationship board (most likely because they were struggling). I didn't come to a board like this when my spouse cheated.