fiance walked out i need help please

[peonyrose]

Yes bathtub-row I know this feeling will be there for a while. I think my family are just so surprised and feeling very sad for me. Of course they have lots of anger towards him and would like to hit him. But this doesn't help me because although I'm angry and would never look at him again I could not inflict pain on him it would make me a person that I'm not. Everyone keeps telling me " move on he is dirt, don't cry another tear let it go" yes I agree but not so easy to do.

[Kwacker39]

Hi peonyrose - I know you are going through a really terrible time at the moment but I think it's better for you that you can't see him - it will hurt like hell but ultimately with no contact you should be able to move on more quickly than if you were seeing him regularly . The way he has broke up with you too should make it obvious that he is not worth wasting your time and love upon . Take the support of your family and friends and rebuild your life - a cliche I know but one day at a time - that's how I'm coping .

[VelvetCrush]

More and more it seems to me that you don't know someone until it comes to the day when the relationship ends. You sure get to see the reality of the person then.

 

One foot in front of the other now for you.

 

My advice would be not to look to the future - not to look back to the past but concentrate on one problem you face at the moment and try to sort that one problem out.

 

Psychopathy and narcissist personalities do that - not saying he was either but they tend to move the relationship on really quickly with love bombing and words that you're the one for me etc - they tend to move into your home and life very quickly and the poor person on the end tends to end up dependent very quickly.

 

Be grateful that you didnt do 15 years with one

[peonyrose]

 

Psychopathy and narcissist personalities do that - not saying he was either but they tend to move the relationship on really quickly with love bombing and words that you're the one for me etc - they tend to move into your home and life very quickly and the poor person on the end tends to end up dependent very quickly.

 

maybe you are right with your above comment. I am searching for answers. After a lot of looking at myself in this yes of course I did things wrong, depended on him too much. I should have kept my independence. It was just because I was on my own and independent for a long time and then we met and I fell in love and felt so happy and safe. I opened my whole heart to him and I was totally myself which felt so good. I finally had someone to look after me and someone I loved very much. I guess when your in it you don't see stuff.

 

I feel so damn lost and betrayed now, I keep thinking " am I a really bad person that someone I loved could treat me so awfully" .. its like I am talking about another person and not him, it still doesn't feel real, and it hits me so hard like a wave of pain comes over me. Memories are everywhere I turn in our house, he is free he doesn't have to live here.

[peonyrose]

My daughter is gone away with family for the night. It is my first time totally alone in the house since he left me! I am struggling. I feel terribly lonely and if I could I'd pack a bag and run I would. I have had some reality checks the past 2 days, like how invested I was in this relationship he actually became my everything so its even more devastating.

 

I came to this site for some support I don't have anyone to talk to. Please read and help

[health]

Mr.lucky I do not need criticism right now. Like I said I was studying and a small weekly income. He was happy with our situation or so I thought and as soon as I realised I too needed to bring in a somewhat equal wage, I went to look for work!

 

You also said "I still can't believe he walked out and left me with no money"

 

stillafool said something along the lines of "I can't believe he didn't leave with any money"

 

None of these things would happen if both people worked and had money to begin with.

 

I can see how you think that's harsh criticism, but in a sense it's very important.

 

Each individual in a relationship should be able to support themselves financially in the case of separation/death or whatever.

 

I would suggest you find work, take care of yourself and your daughter and heal. This man sounds like an absolute monster - 2 failed marriages, problems with his teenaged daughter. You don't need that.

 

You do sound like you're heading in a good path finishing school and looking for work. Keep going, and growing.

Edited June 11, 2016 by health

[longjohn]

It's a bad situation however you should in the first instance be self sufficient. Do not ever depend upon or become dependent upon anyone else. All you can do is pickup the pieces and know going forward it's all on you 24-7 and it's crap but life is crap sometimes.

[Mittens]

You also said "I still can't believe he walked out and left me with no money"

 

stillafool said something along the lines of "I can't believe he didn't leave with any money"

 

None of these things would happen if both people worked and had money to begin with.

 

I can see how you think that's harsh criticism, but in a sense it's very important.

Each individual in a relationship should be able to support themselves financially in the case of separation/death or whatever.

 

I would suggest you find work, take care of yourself and your daughter and heal. This man sounds like an absolute monster - 2 failed marriages, problems with his teenaged daughter. You don't need that.

 

You do sound like you're heading in a good path finishing school and looking for work. Keep going, and growing.

 

Cannot agree with the part I've bolded more. And I agree because I'm in the same situation - I've let myself become financially dependent on my partner and it's not fair to either of us.

 

I had a disagreement with my mother over this just this week - my mother has the 50s housewife attitude that a man should be able to financially support his partner, and she was angry with my husband (who I'm not divorced from, but have been separated from for 7 years - I've been in a new relationship for 6 years. We are on good terms.) wasn't helping me with money for an apartment move.

 

She kept saying 'but you're still legally married!' when I pointed out that 7 years had been more than enough time to get myself self sufficient. In the end I lost my temper and told her that even if we were still actually together as husband and wife, I should have always been in the position to take care of myself if things ended.

 

Yes, your ex has treated you badly. Be glad he is gone, and make a life for yourself where you don't have to rely on anyone else to keep a roof over your head or food on your table.

[coolheadal]

Going by the first post you were being lied too by this player and he was never serious about anything except sleeping with you. He did his time and now he's cut you off completely nothing you can do about it. Not married to him, if you were then you could do something. So many women like you out there this is being happen too. They use love an emotional to get what they want then when it's getting to serious they block and pull out. Need to get a job no matter what type of job it is you need to accept it so you can bring some money in. Call the banks tell them your trying to work the bills out with them. Claim "HARDSHIP" see if they give you a break but you owe money them.

[Kwacker39]

Peonyrose - I know your pain , it's truly awful . But the pain will eventually diminish and go . You have to realise this takes time - accept the horrible feelings and memories will come and then they will go too . You are riding a tsunami of emotions right now , you are at a very low ebb so don't make any rash decisions . Just remember you can and will get through this - and when you do you will be a stronger , better person for yourself and your daughter .

[peonyrose]

Kwacker39 thank you, for your kind words, I had a good rest this weekend which I badly needed as I haven't been sleeping or eating, but I had some small amounts of food this weekend too. I had the weekend to myself so had lots of crying and some anger. Still numb inside so the spurts of anger were a good thing, as it shows I am starting to move towards healing. I pray i never see him again, i am not sure if i would want to hit him or break down. Either way i hope i get the peace to recover..hope you are managing OK? Let me know?

 

Thanks for the other replies too. Although it seems everyone is stuck on the point I only had a small income. Yes I was dependent on him, but I did not view it that way then, as I thought we were in a loving relationship that was heading towards marriage next spring. Plus my psychology course was pretty time consuming and we had made a plan that eventually I would be earning good money. I have been independent my whole life I left home young and when I had my daughter at 19 I supported her with no help, I always provided very well for both of us. When I met my ex I was in a pretty low place, finding it hard to cope and he I guess saw the vulnerability and jumped into help, he was the one who pursued me and wanted me at home studying and I was so happy to finally have some support and not just financially. I trusted him with all my heart and truly believed we were for life.

 

I am taking the correct steps to sort this mess out. I'm fighting for my life.

[Els]

I'm glad you're doing better, OP. And that you're fighting your you and your daughter - that's commendable.

 

I think the next urgent step is to sort out the finances. Depending on where you live, you might be able to file for de facto/common law separation in a similar manner to divorce. Even if you live somewhere that doesn't recognize that, he can't just walk out saddling you with the backlog of rent and bills. For as long as his name is on the lease and power etc accounts he is liable for paying part of it at least.

 

That aside, how far along are you on your psychology degree?

[peonyrose]

Hi Elswyth... I am at the end of year 2 on my degree. However as I need work immediately I have to do a quick training course for work in a care home as unfortunately in Ireland our economy is pretty bad right now and I am living in a small town where employment is low, so this is the only area I can find work... He immediately when he left took his name of the lease and gas and electricity. The boy had his back covered! He made sure he was OK. From this I can only think at 50 years of age this man is used to running away and leaving a mess! Pitty I was so dumb to think I would be different. His exes hate him I know why now. One day though all this will catch up on him and he will have ran out of places to run to. Regret and guilt will eat him up.

[Tressugar]

My mama always taught me to be self reliant!

 

Men are known, fiance or not, husband or not, to show their real selves once they know you're dependent upon them.

 

I see this happen time and time again.

[bathtub-row]

I don't see how taking his name off the lease absolves him of anything. If he signed a lease, he's obligated until the term ends. I mean, wouldn't that be nice if we could all just decide we don't want to be obligated to something we contractually agreed to? I'd look into that if I were you and have them chase him down for breach of contract.

 

As far as being dependent/independent, I know it's not the main focus here but I would like to point out that if a married woman wants to stay at home with her kids, then she should be able to do that. The point is, if things fall apart between her and her husband, he's going to be paying child support so she has a little bit of a back-up plan. If she has several kids, then even better. However every woman should never forget that while spending 18+ years taking care of your family, you're kind of painting yourself into a corner. If your husband makes a great deal of money, then great. If not, just understand the risk. And as far as bf's or fiance's are concerned, you ain't married until you walk down that aisle and all the paperwork is signed. Until that time, I would advise any woman to never, ever change their lives for a man. Even when married, do it with caution.

 

Penny, I'm glad you ate a little, and seasoned it with some good, old fashioned anger. The fact that he pulled that lease stunt is all I would need to know about him. He pre-meditated this and deliberately left you high and dry. I'd dare him to ever get within a thousand yards of me again.

[peonyrose]

I don't see how taking his name off the lease absolves him of anything. If he signed a lease, he's obligated until the term ends. I mean, wouldn't that be nice if we could all just decide we don't want to be obligated to something we contractually agreed to? I'd look into that if I were you and have them chase him down for breach of cont

 

Penny, I'm glad you ate a little, and seasoned it with some good, old fashioned anger. The fact that he pulled that lease stunt is all I would need to know about him. He pre-meditated this and deliberately left you high and dry. I'd dare him to ever get within a thousand yards of me again.

 

 

Yes bathtub-row I agree about lease etc. And believe me I have had battles all week about how he was allowed to walk away Scott free, the letting agent said he told them he was moving back to Germany and she had no choice!!!! This house he insisted on moving to, we were actually living in my apartment that I rented and paid for. But he wanted a fresh start so I said OK. None of this is right or OK. Nobody has followed the correct procedures, and yes if I had some more fight left in me I would hunt him with legal letters. But what's the point!

 

I was the fool who believed I'd be different to all the other women and his 2 failed marriages. I guess I always see the best in people and my god if you saw how he was with me, you'd never believe he'd ever do anything bad to me. He followed me around like a love sick puppy! Its all too confusing I'll never find the answer.

[Els]

Hi Elswyth... I am at the end of year 2 on my degree. However as I need work immediately I have to do a quick training course for work in a care home as unfortunately in Ireland our economy is pretty bad right now and I am living in a small town where employment is low, so this is the only area I can find work... He immediately when he left took his name of the lease and gas and electricity. The boy had his back covered! He made sure he was OK. From this I can only think at 50 years of age this man is used to running away and leaving a mess! Pitty I was so dumb to think I would be different. His exes hate him I know why now. One day though all this will catch up on him and he will have ran out of places to run to. Regret and guilt will eat him up.

 

Ah, I see Ireland does not legally recognize common law/de facto relationships, so it may be more difficult in that aspect. Legally though I am confused how he is able to terminate a lease and remove himself from power etc accounts with no liability. Relationship aside, even a flatmate should not be able to do that. Is there a way you can get free legal advice there? A citizen's advice bureau or something?

 

Could you downsize to a smaller house ASAP?

[bathtub-row]

Yes bathtub-row I agree about lease etc. And believe me I have had battles all week about how he was allowed to walk away Scott free, the letting agent said he told them he was moving back to Germany and she had no choice!!!! This house he insisted on moving to, we were actually living in my apartment that I rented and paid for. But he wanted a fresh start so I said OK. None of this is right or OK. Nobody has followed the correct procedures, and yes if I had some more fight left in me I would hunt him with legal letters. But what's the point!

 

I was the fool who believed I'd be different to all the other women and his 2 failed marriages. I guess I always see the best in people and my god if you saw how he was with me, you'd never believe he'd ever do anything bad to me. He followed me around like a love sick puppy! Its all too confusing I'll never find the answer.

 

Did he sign the lease agreement? Did you sign it?

 

If you both signed it and your landlord let him remove his name from it, then she must do the same for you. She can't let him off the hook without letting you off the hook. It makes no difference if he moved to Germany or to Mars. The reason is, I'm guessing that lease was based on either his income alone, or both your incomes. One of those incomes is now gone and she's letting him get away with walking away. I'd say that's extremely lopsided.

 

If you need to move because you can no longer afford the rent, then I'd suggest you do that. Do you have family you can live with?

[peonyrose]

Did he sign the lease agreement? Did you sign it?

 

If you both signed it and your landlord let him remove his name from it, then she must do the same for you. She can't let him off the hook without letting you off the hook. It makes no difference if he moved to Germany or to Mars. The reason is, I'm guessing that lease was based on either his income alone, or both your incomes. One of those incomes is now gone and she's letting him get away with walking away. I'd say that's extremely lopsided.

 

If you need to move because you can no longer afford the rent, then I'd suggest you do that. Do you have family you can live with?

 

Hi.. Yes we both signed it. And yes I agree it is appauling he was able to break his side of it without any consequences. This whole thing is just crazy, in every way. I actually feel like I am living in a twilight zone. Like this can't be real. But it is and i have to take it step by step or else I will fall apart. I am so close to breaking point I cannot even put it into words. I feel so betrayed and shocked. I have reached out to a homeless organisation to help with this months rent, I have made arrangements to pay some money weekly on gas and electricity. And hopefully I will be working soon. I have applied to a lot of places. Still not sleeping or eating much, so I am just about managing to keep my feet on the ground. But I'm still here and to be honest last week I didn't know if I could live anymore.

 

I am considering emailing his sister and let her know a thing or 2 about this man or boy or dog whatever he is. He's not human.

[peonyrose]

Ah, I see Ireland does not legally recognize common law/de facto relationships, so it may be more difficult in that aspect. Legally though I am confused how he is able to terminate a lease and remove himself from power etc accounts with no liability. Relationship aside, even a flatmate should not be able to do that. Is there a way you can get free legal advice there? A citizen's advice bureau or something?

 

Could you downsize to a smaller house ASAP?

 

Hi... If you read the post I just wrote. Maybe give me some feedback... Thank you

[bathtub-row]

I think you're missing my point. If the landlord let him off the hook, then she must do the same for you.

[bathtub-row]

I can understand how this must be affecting you. I hate to say it but you're going to have to pull yourself out of this slump in order to get beyond this. Try to keep in mind that people are betrayed by their lovers every day of the week. It happens all the time -- with amazing regularity. They are blindsided in the same way you have been, shaken and torn as you have. Many will tell you that you can get through this and you'll come out stronger on the other end. And they're right.

 

I know you don't want to have to be strong or any of the other things you're having to do but this has happened and there's no going back. It's a really hard thing to accept. I know. I'm just so sorry. He is a rotten guy to have done this to you. No matter how great you thought he was, no matter how well he fooled you, he is rotten to have done this.

[peonyrose]

I can understand how this must be affecting you. I hate to say it but you're going to have to pull yourself out of this slump in order to get beyond this. Try to keep in mind that people are betrayed by their lovers every day of the week. It happens all the time -- with amazing regularity. They are blindsided in the same way you have been, shaken and torn as you have. Many will tell you that you can get through this and you'll come out stronger on the other end. And they're right.

 

I know you don't want to have to be strong or any of the other things you're having to do but this has happened and there's no going back. It's a really hard thing to accept. I know. I'm just so sorry. He is a rotten guy to have done this to you. No matter how great you thought he was, no matter how well he fooled you, he is rotten to have done this.

 

 

I am been strong I've been working every day towards building my life back together. I am seeing a counsellor for over a year and today she said it would be no harm to get advise from a solicitor. So I will be. Men like him are too used to getting away with the mess they cause.some anger has finally set in and I feel like going to a place I know he hangs out in. And giving him a slap for me and all the other women he has abandoned. I never got a chance to do anything or say anything because the coward blocked me so I may very well walk up to him with a choice few words and turn on my heels. Any advise?

[bathtub-row]

I am been strong I've been working every day towards building my life back together. I am seeing a counsellor for over a year and today she said it would be no harm to get advise from a solicitor. So I will be. Men like him are too used to getting away with the mess they cause.some anger has finally set in and I feel like going to a place I know he hangs out in. And giving him a slap for me and all the other women he has abandoned. I never got a chance to do anything or say anything because the coward blocked me so I may very well walk up to him with a choice few words and turn on my heels. Any advise?

 

Omg! That's a great idea about getting a lawyer involved. I'll bet your ex won't see that coming. However, he should not be able to get away with not fulfilling on the contract he signed on the lease. This has really put you in a very bad position.

 

I'm glad to hear that you're taking steps to get past all this. Still, I know it's really hard and that you're still hurting a lot.

[peonyrose]

I wish you could start new posts on this...

 

After a productive day and even a few moments of peace.. I am so upset again tonight. All over finding a love note he wrote me a few weeks ago. It hurt like hell. again my mind is racing with questions. Like why do this to me? How can you walk out and block from everything? The love note read " to the most amazing,most beautiful woman I ever met, I can't wait for you to be my wife" please please someone explain how you go from that to this, its torture trying to understand it..

 

Please give me some advise people and thank you