LivingWaterPlease Posted June 6, 2016 Share Posted June 6, 2016 (edited) My wife has been understanding, but she doesn't get it. She didn't really go through an awkward phase. She asked us for a kitten so we went and got one from the shelter. She picked a little black male. I thought it was kind of sweet she picked the black one. She seems to like him a lot. I will talk to my nephew about what he said. My understanding is that was said without other people around. I'll also make a better attempt to talk to her when I'm on the road. Sounds great about the cat. It seems to me the issue with your nephew is different than the issue with your mother is. Your mother is old enough to grasp the concept of not putting down her looks whereas what your nephew said was expressed in the innocence of youth. In your place I wouldn't mention it to him as it may seem to him as if you're trying to micromanage him. That's the type of thing kids his age are all going to say without malice and you can't control what her peers say (unless it's way out of bounds, then I'd say something). Your daughter is right in there with the vast majority of young ladies in her need to learn to cope with this issue. There are many young ladies who are ordinary in appearance who may have an outstandingly gorgeous sister, too, yet they need to learn to deal with it. I have noticed that life tends to work things out as far as who has what gifts in life. Good looks are only one type of gift in a realm of many gifts that may draw others to a person. Your daughter will learn this as she matures. Edited June 6, 2016 by LivingWaterPlease Link to post Share on other sites
beatcuff Posted June 6, 2016 Share Posted June 6, 2016 I have a sixteen year old daughter. ... she told me that she's so ugly she wants to die, and doesn't understand why she doesn't look like my wife... I tried to explain...I know my mom struggles with her looks as well... I know it probably won't mean much coming from her dad, but is there anything I can do? i have a 16 year old daughter as well. she didn't want an explanation, she was looking for reassurance. high school is extremely 'clicky' and looks are '#1'. i told all my children about MY 'awkwardness' in high school AND the discovery entering my college years how it (not me but the world) changed AND i was a late bloomer (as others have noted). your daughter wants to know this is 'not it'. so have a chat with your daughter about YOUR awkward stage. do not over do it (they will know). tell her you did nothing --- the world changed as you aged (it will ease her 'it's my fault'). even joke about how it 'landed' mom. i would NOT have gotten her a kitten (or anything else), this may lead to searching out a 'replacement' instead of dealing with the issue at hand (hence 'everyone gets a medal'). look into her volunteering at an animal shelter. have her join a group she has interest in (my son worked the lights for the high school play). better a sport, fine as a time/score keeper (bonus earn $$$). the more social interaction outside of her school the more she will realize you are 'not as dumb as you sound'. hurry --- proms are coming fast... good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
DreamP Posted June 6, 2016 Share Posted June 6, 2016 I am a mother of a daughter and I know exactly what you are talking about. I am sorry to break the news, but the problem is you. The problem is you don't realize it. Kids pick up on the most minute things. I just tried to tell her that boys especially at her age, just like looks. Basically you told your daughter she doesn't have the looks. I know that wasn't your intent, but that is what you told her. You need to reshape your message. Don't go with the, "it's more about what's on the inside" approach. That is BS. We all want to look good and telling a teen who is losing her crush to a blond won't help. You need to convince her that she has her own unique look. If she was blond with blue eyes, then she wouldn't be her. If all girls were blond with blue eyes, how boring would that be. She needs to own her look and make it work for her. She could be blond with blue eyes, but if she can't own the look, she will come off self-conscious and not attractive. A make over is fine, but it won't solve anything if she believes she isn't beautiful with the dark hair and curvier body. She can go with her mother to do a makeover, learning how to style her dark hair and doing makeup that flatters her dark eyes, etc. But again, she needs to own her own look. About the boy he has a crush on, explain that he has the right to like blonds just like she has the right to like whatever characteristics she likes. But if the person where to change those characteristics, then it wouldn't be that person anymore. She would dye her hair, get blue contacts and lose weight to attract this guy, but then he wouldn't really be attracted to the person she is. And there are plenty of guys who like darker haired women (my husband is one). Think of all the beautiful celebrities is dark hair and eyes You definitely need to tell you mom to put a lid on it. Explain to her the damage she is causing even if she isn't saying it directly to your daughter. Close family are the biggest sources of body hate. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted June 6, 2016 Share Posted June 6, 2016 There are plenty of dark-eyed dark-haired gorgeous celebrities to reference. Look at the men who could have anyone they want who chose dark-haired beauties...there are plenty of them, Prince William for starters...Brad Pitt, George Clooney. Let her know it's the package of who she is that counts, not one particular detail of a woman's appearance. The more she is authentic to who she was born to be, the more attractive she'll be, that's a fact! Women are most attractive when doing something they're passionate about. That is when I am approached by men the most, when I'm engaged passionately in my work. I would think it's the same for most women, even if it's not their work they're passionate about. When a person is doing what they love to do, they look fantastic! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sad dad Posted June 6, 2016 Author Share Posted June 6, 2016 She ran track for a few years, but one day she came home said she didn't want to do it anymore. That was fine, and we supported her because we don't want to make her do things she doesn't want to (within reason). Shes a great kid. I try and tell her that every day. She has had straight A's all through school. She knows tons of information and is really creative. Talking to her about that boy, I didn't mean to insinuate she wasn't beautiful. I didn't even realize that. I had no idea she might take it that way... Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 Sad dad..sure, you're a little clumsy (don't worry..most men are! And ALL teenaged girls are exceptionally sensitive) but your heart is certainly in the right place and you sound like a fantastic father. As sad as I am for your daughter, your posts have warmed my heart. Have you asked your daughter if she has any ideas to help her feel prettier (new haircut, some new clothes..etc)? If you do this though, don't say it like that! Make sure you tell her that YOU think she's beautiful exactly the way she is, but you want to know what would make HER feel that way too. Also, your mother seriously needs to cut it the eff out. My mom (who, incidentally, was very pretty but developed cystic acne as she got older and ended up with scars from it) only had one boyfriend her entire life (in her early 20's) and he told her that if she was as beautiful on the outside as she was on the inside, he'd marry her. She never dated again after that. Ever. She had me via anonymous sperm donor. She also forced me to begin wearing make up at age 11 because she was terrified that I would develop cystic acne too (I didn't..but the make up did make me break out a little bit..which probably wouldn't have happened if I didn't wear it). As a result, I developed a complex and was unable to be seen without make up up until my late 20's. If I was sleeping at a friend or a boyfriends' house I would literally reapply a full face of make up before bed. It was really sad. Please don't let your mother do anything like this to your daughter... Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 I'll also make a better attempt to talk to her when I'm on the road. "Better attempt?" What the hell does that mean? Does your child mean enough to you to MAKE IT HAPPEN every day? Or will you just 'make an attempt' to connect with your OWN CHILD every day? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sad dad Posted June 28, 2016 Author Share Posted June 28, 2016 She's been doing better with the kitten. I tried to take her out for anything she wanted whether it was a haircut, new clothes, or makeup, and she said she didn't want it. I go back on the road soon, and I worry about leaving her... Link to post Share on other sites
noelle303 Posted June 28, 2016 Share Posted June 28, 2016 She's been doing better with the kitten. I tried to take her out for anything she wanted whether it was a haircut, new clothes, or makeup, and she said she didn't want it. I go back on the road soon, and I worry about leaving her... Maybe plan a special day together before you leave, doing something you both like? And make sure you Skype and talk regularly while you're away. I also wanted to say that make sure she doesn't notice you're treating her differently. Be as relaxed as possible, don't push the subject, analyze her and be too obvious with the positive comments. Link to post Share on other sites
Cablebandit Posted June 28, 2016 Share Posted June 28, 2016 I raised my daughter a little differently than most but I would tell her "you ARE ugly...to some people but you are also very attractive to some people." She needs to feel comfortable in her own skin, whatever that is. Angelina Jolie...ugly...Cate Blanchett...drooool. There's an example that some men won't agree with. Men telling their daughters that they are the most beautiful girl in the world and all that jazz just sets them up for disappointment when they get older and get a real evaluation from their peers. Guys grow up knowing all their deficiencies....too short...too hairy...not enough hair, etc. Girls grow up a lot of times thinking they are perfect (thanks moms/dads) and once they start dating they get a rude awakening when a guy starts to point out their flaws. Teach them to showcase their good qualities and to be comfortable with who they are. Link to post Share on other sites
Revolver Posted June 28, 2016 Share Posted June 28, 2016 No offense but your biased Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted June 28, 2016 Share Posted June 28, 2016 Men telling their daughters that they are the most beautiful girl in the world and all that jazz just sets them up for disappointment when they get older and get a real evaluation from their peers. Does anyone actually say that to their daughter? I'm a mom of a teenage girl. She certainly does know that I think she's beautiful, but that comment mostly comes out when she's wearing sweats and no make up and is worried about being seen that way "You're a natural beauty. Get in the car." Her dad rarely comments on her appearance at all, and comments more on her athletic skills and grades. She and I do comment on other girls' beauty. Very often she will show me a pic of a friend and say, "Isn't she gorgeous?" and I'll agree wholeheartedly, she is indeed a beauty. They are all beauties. She'd disregard any boy who called her friend ugly, and has the same response to ugly comments directed in her direction. Some boy's opinion does not affect her. She's got some comebacks that are pretty stinging, and the boys learn to keep their comments to themselves Link to post Share on other sites
Cablebandit Posted June 28, 2016 Share Posted June 28, 2016 Does anyone actually say that to their daughter? I'm a mom of a teenage girl. She certainly does know that I think she's beautiful, but that comment mostly comes out when she's wearing sweats and no make up and is worried about being seen that way "You're a natural beauty. Get in the car." Her dad rarely comments on her appearance at all, and comments more on her athletic skills and grades. She and I do comment on other girls' beauty. Very often she will show me a pic of a friend and say, "Isn't she gorgeous?" and I'll agree wholeheartedly, she is indeed a beauty. They are all beauties. She'd disregard any boy who called her friend ugly, and has the same response to ugly comments directed in her direction. Some boy's opinion does not affect her. She's got some comebacks that are pretty stinging, and the boys learn to keep their comments to themselves It absolutely does happen. Anyone who has dated a significant number of women could have seen this from time to time. The gals that are raised this way are spoiled by the men in their lives until adulthood and then reality kicks in...."you are avg looking with a terribly entitled personality with no sense of compromise with men because you've never had to compromise with the men in your life up until adulthood." Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted June 28, 2016 Share Posted June 28, 2016 It absolutely does happen. Anyone who has dated a significant number of women could have seen this from time to time. The gals that are raised this way are spoiled by the men in their lives until adulthood and then reality kicks in...."you are avg looking with a terribly entitled personality with no sense of compromise with men because you've never had to compromise with the men in your life up until adulthood." Actually I don't think that is caused by the parents. I remember those girls and they were the ones who sailed through their childhoods and their teen because of their peers. They were considered pretty and special by their little schoolmates because, as I said before, kids have lousy tastes when it comes to looks. And when that girl had to leave that little cocoon of her school and all of her peers who all thought she was oh' just so perfect and wonderful, and she had to go out in the real world then she got slapped in the face with the reality that she isn't the most pretty most awesome most wonderful girl in the world. Once kids reach their teens, they value the opinions of their peers more than the opinion of their parents. A girl who is constantly being admired and complimented by her peers is going to get a big head and become full of herself. The flip side of that is that the girls who get negative feedback from their peers are going to feel ugly and unlovable even if they are beautiful. This is all due to what feedback they are getting from other teenagers, not their parents. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted June 28, 2016 Share Posted June 28, 2016 Does anyone actually say that to their daughter? My mother said it to me all.the.time. She said it so much that I decided that I must be SO ugly that she's trying to hide the truth from me and overcompensate. I've always believed I was ugly, because of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sad dad Posted June 28, 2016 Author Share Posted June 28, 2016 I've always told my daughter she's beautiful because I truly think she is. Granted that might be because she is so much more than physical looks to me. She's beautiful outside, she's a great person in general, and she represents my love for my wife. Those three things make her so beautiful to me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
noelle303 Posted June 28, 2016 Share Posted June 28, 2016 I've always told my daughter she's beautiful because I truly think she is. Granted that might be because she is so much more than physical looks to me. She's beautiful outside, she's a great person in general, and she represents my love for my wife. Those three things make her so beautiful to me. Exactly. I know that when I look at my daughter, and even my friends for that matter, I can't see them objectively. I see all the things that make them who they are and I automatically see them as being beautiful. That's something I plan on teaching my daughter - that her personality is what's going to stick with people ultimately and what is going to make her lifelong friends and relationships. I don't think there's anything wrong with telling your children they're beautiful (especially when they're without make-up and all that jazz) as long as you don't make it the focus. Focus on how smart they are, how funny they are, on their grades, interests, plans, ambitions, listen to them, laugh with them. I also make it a rule that I never point put or laugh at anyone's looks when we're out. I was walking once with my daughter and a co-worker and she pointed out to my daughter ''Look at that man's crazy hair'' and I made sure to clarify to DD that we don't laugh at other people's looks. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted July 4, 2016 Share Posted July 4, 2016 (edited) Is your daughter the poster Mirandaaa? Just seems coicincidental that she just got a kitten and has issues with her dad as well. Maybe I'm grasping at straws. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/members/429347-mirandaaa/ Edited July 4, 2016 by ChickiePops Link to post Share on other sites
SpiralOut Posted July 25, 2016 Share Posted July 25, 2016 (edited) I think it's a good sign that she is talking to you about it. Simply having that openness is enough to help. I spent my teen years feeling ugly because of my acne and braces. I never really talked about it with my parents, but my mother did try to help me find solutions for my acne. I am wondering what she says back to these people when they make rude comments. Does she stand up for herself? It might help her to feel empowered if she has some comebacks ready. Nobody can control what your mother says to her (especially if she is ignoring you when you tell her to cut it out), but you can teach her how to deal with it. She could say something like, "I don't like it when you say stuff like that, grandma." Edited July 25, 2016 by SpiralOut Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 27, 2016 Share Posted July 27, 2016 I have told my daughter that she's beautiful on occasion - generally when she's dressed up for something special. I don't compliment her beauty frequently because I dislike placing value in beauty. I don't think her dad has ever told her that she's beautiful. But she knows that we hold being a good person in much higher regard than beauty. We celebrate her thoughtfulness, hard work and good deeds much more frequently than her beauty. FWIW, she's got really high self esteem and strong feminist values. Placing low value on beauty has done her no harm. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted July 27, 2016 Share Posted July 27, 2016 I can't recall my dad ever saying I was beautiful or even pretty. He did say over and over that I was capable. That I was bright. That I was smart, and could do whatever I set my mind too. He told me not value myself for my looks, but my skills, my abilities. I have an older half sister. She is BEAUTIFUL (did professional modeling). Since she was very young people always complimented her on her beauty. Men gave her attention because of her beauty. Things were different for her due to the skin she wore. I am so glad my dad taught me to value my mind over my body. That our skin is just our skin. I was chubby, I was teased as a kid. I was never called pretty - but for the most part, it was water off my back. I knew I had things they didn't. An exceptional IQ, confidence in myself, things that mattered more than "pretty". And later as adults, I held my sister as she cried. She hated being "pretty" but never called smart. Valued for her body, but not for her brain. The life of the "pretty woman" isn't all sunshine and roses. I can't say I have ever mourned not being pretty in my youth, but not a day goes by that I am not thankful for the belief in myself my dad nurtured. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
summerdowling87 Posted July 27, 2016 Share Posted July 27, 2016 (edited) When I was 15-18 yrs old and going through HS Good God the girls were so mean and nasty and I did nothing to them. And this was 10yrs ago I bet nothing has changed. Even though me father was an a-hole and absent when I saw him he always told me how cute and pretty he thought. I was my mom did to. My older bothers did as well. I think as human no matter our looks we're all a bit self-conscious and no-one wants to hear that they're unattractive.-(it sucks) Edited July 27, 2016 by summerdowling87 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 28, 2016 Share Posted July 28, 2016 I have a sixteen year old daughter. I was walking passed her room yesterday and I could hear her bawling. I walked in to see what the problem was and she told me that she's so ugly she wants to die, and doesn't understand why she doesn't look like my wife. My wife is blonde hair, blue eyed, really thin whereas our daughter looks a lot like my mom. Brown eyes, black hair, a little chubby, but she's not ugly... she just looks different. I tried to explain, but she was beside herself. I know my mom struggles with her looks as well. She's even talked about it in front of my daughter and while she probably didn't cause it, it certainly didn't help. I know that when someone made the comment that my daughter looked like her she said "I know, poor baby. I was so upset when she didn't look like *my wife*" I was livid. I've never been comfortable with her saying that about herself, but in front of my daughter was infuriating. My daughter is so sweet, creative and she loves animals, while also being beautiful. I'd say she's gorgeous... I hate that she feels this way. I know it probably won't mean much coming from her dad, but is there anything I can do? Your mom is who caused this issue, hate to say it. You need to tell your daughter your mom has some issues and can't be taken seriously on this issue and you need to tell you mom to shut up about it, frankly. She's who put this idea in her head. If your pretty wife is in any way pressuring her about her looks, put a stop to that as well. Next you need to be sure your daughter is in activities she can excel at. Let her follow any constructive interests she has that she might be good at and praise her for her success at anything she does well. She has to build up self-esteem. She very likely may need to counselor to help sort this out if she's in her room crying and thinking she's ugly. Maybe a school counselor could give her some support and perspective. You might ask your daughter what would make her feel good and see what she says. You might ask her if there's anyone else she'd like to talk to about it or have help her in any way. Maybe there's an aunt or cousin, you never know. Knowing how teens are, she's probably dressing crappy and doing nothing in that way that would enhance her looks and would resist all efforts but then be amazed if someone not a parent made her try it on. You can't emphasize that this is the most important thing though. Any opportunity like that should be done casually, like you saying you're going to a salon for a good haircut and taking her along and prebooking an appointment. Or you calling ahead to a good department store and asking ahead of time for a personal assistant to fuss over your daughter and suggest things to put on her that would look nice and then arrive at the time you set up. Without making her aware it was you doing it. Teens usually trust complete strangers more than their parents about stuff like that, so any outside feedback like that might benefit her. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Behati Posted September 14, 2016 Share Posted September 14, 2016 I don't have advice but I am in my thirties have dealt with body image issues for years. I wish I knew the answer, for your daughter and for myself and the many other girls out there like us. Nothing eats at you so fervently and drives you crazy quite like this. The makeover idea, the taking up dance.. Both plausible suggestions but there are no guarantees. Personally, I didn't take up dance but I did find other very physical activities to engage in that do raise seratonin levels but then later make me feel inadequate. No improvement is ever enough. For me, the makeover led to not being able to leave home without contouring my face or taping my boobs, to seeking surgery for things makeup and tape can't fix. That said, I think it's quite normal for a teenage girl to feel this way. But if it continues too long, there's likely a deeper issue. Link to post Share on other sites
DrReplyInRhymes Posted September 14, 2016 Share Posted September 14, 2016 I have a sixteen year old daughter. I was walking passed her room yesterday and I could hear her bawling. I walked in to see what the problem was and she told me that she's so ugly she wants to die, and doesn't understand why she doesn't look like my wife. My wife is blonde hair, blue eyed, really thin whereas our daughter looks a lot like my mom. Brown eyes, black hair, a little chubby, but she's not ugly... she just looks different. I tried to explain, but she was beside herself. I know my mom struggles with her looks as well. She's even talked about it in front of my daughter and while she probably didn't cause it, it certainly didn't help. I know that when someone made the comment that my daughter looked like her she said "I know, poor baby. I was so upset when she didn't look like *my wife*" I was livid. I've never been comfortable with her saying that about herself, but in front of my daughter was infuriating. My daughter is so sweet, creative and she loves animals, while also being beautiful. I'd say she's gorgeous... I hate that she feels this way. I know it probably won't mean much coming from her dad, but is there anything I can do? You sit her down and tell her the truth of it all, make sure to break it apart! Tell her men may talk to her for her looks, but we fall in love with what's in the heart! Link to post Share on other sites
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