Just discovered an old affair

[Buddy15]

Thanks for the advice, once again. I guess you guys are right. I haven't done anything wrong, so I need to pick myself up and move on. I guess I just need to build back my mojo. I have continued to read the material you recommended and it is helping.

 

I've also been working on my alpha male. Last night my wife and I were at a store and I needed help from the salesperson, an attractive woman a few years younger than my wife. She helped out a great deal and I told her that I owed her big time because she saved me a lot of time. Channeling my best alpha male, I also told her that if I wasn't in a rush, I'd buy her a drink to say thanks because she deserved it. She responded with "Wow, that is really tempting, especially after the day I had today" After some small talk and a few chuckles, I left with my wife following behind. This isn't something I would normally do, but it came surprisingly easy and felt natural. The other lady's response was also much more positive than I would have anticipated.

 

Whether the lady was sincere or just being nice didn't matter because the whole interaction took place only a few feet away from my wife while she was looking at other merchandise. She then proceeded to bust my chops for flirting with the lady, but I told her that I was only being nice. I said that I was only being social and not to let this make her feel insecure. However, she woke me up last night for the best sex we've ever had. However, it seemed like she enjoyed it even more than I did. The more I read from Athol Kay, the more I understand what has happened and the more I feel empowered to effect a change process. I have clearly become far too "beta." More balance is needed.

 

Your help has been invaluable to me, folks. I will keep working on all of this. You've all been worth more than any therapist I could have seen.

[Cephalopod]

Good for you. That is a start. She sees you have sexual rank, and you triggered her competitive instincts. Just don't get too carried away with that stuff, but I think it is okay once in a awhile to make sure your wife knows that you have market value.

 

Look, what your wife did cannot be undone. You can either deem the whole marriage a fraud and divorce her (which, in my opinion, you would be justified in doing) or you can accept hat she has the capacity to withhold the truth and even lie to protect herself and the cozy life you two have made together, and continue on with her regardless.

 

It's not so much that she lied to you at the outset of your marriage, but that she allowed you to go through with a wedding and then live in that lie for two decades. That is a tough horse pill to swallow. It takes a very forgiving heart to eat that turdburger.

 

Her only redeeming quality seems to be that, for the duration of your marriage, she has been a faithful spouse and devoted partner to you. I think you do need to take this into consideration in this instance, and from this standpoint extend her some undeserved grace. Unfortunately, you are going to have to do most of the work towards healing yourself. That is what is going to suck, because I am not sure she knows how to help you heal from this.

[understand50]

Buddy15,

 

So in reading, I see you are using the word cheating? Does this mean she had full on sex, or you believe she did? I guess, what would be a good first step with your wife is for her to have the courage to be completely honest and open about what really happened. Heavy petting, is one thing, full on sex is another. Once you have the truth, you can work on the other issues in your marriage. How can you finally forgive, unless you know what you are really forgiving?

 

For myself, I was is somewhat similar situation, when I found my wife's ONS, not what she really told me, 20 plus years before. She was not seduced, but the seducer. What I insisted on was truth. She like yours, could show faithfulness during our marriage, and of course I "forgave" her again. In marriage, you must have truth, or as close as you can get to it.

 

I wish you luck......

[fenix]

 

Her only redeeming quality seems to be that, for the duration of your marriage, she has been a faithful spouse and devoted partner to you.

 

And you know that how? To OP knowledge she had always been faithful till a couple of days ago... Some say he had a gut feeling before he doesn't have now but that is just a cumulus of hints that make you think that there is something strange happening around your spouse, she maybe was sloppy in her youth and got better hiding her doings later on...

 

It should not be even the lying what should anoy you the most, but the fact that she didn't find you good enough to sow her wild oats with you, she saw you as the perfect beta to settle with but not as the interesting alpha to do the crazy stuff with.... that is very humiliating!!

[Buddy15]

It should not be even the lying what should anoy you the most, but the fact that she didn't find you good enough to sow her wild oats with you, she saw you as the perfect beta to settle with but not as the interesting alpha to do the crazy stuff with.... that is very humiliating!!

 

I think this is one of the many factors that torment me. I feel like I've been punished for being genuinely committed and some shyt was rewarded for being a player. I just can't let that go -- you are right, it is humiliating.

 

My true gut feel is that she has been faithful during the marriage -- I have to go with my gut on that one. Regarding the past, my gut was that something was off only two weeks after she left. She called and said a classmate brought her to a college class party, used drugs, and put the moves on her. For years I have been tormented by that because I felt that she put herself in a bad spot due to her being naive. It wasn't until a few weeks ago that I found out that she went out with this guy twice on dates, the second time to a party at his friend's house. There were no other people from her school there. I also found out that she found him attractive and she entertained dating him and fooling around with him because she thought we were done.

 

However, as I noted before, and as Cephalopod noted, this was horseshyt. She never said to me that we were done and she spoke with me regularly but never mentioned this guy until after the second date fiasco. I think she's been good since marriage, my gut tells me that, but what bugs me is that she had the capacity to do what she did and lie about it for years. It wasn't until a few weeks ago that I found out that it wasn't a classmate who put the moves on her. She reluctantly admitted that, had he not used drugs, she would have kept going out with him. I just wonder when I would have found out because I was working as a slave to earn travel money. I wasn't dating or fooling around at the time and I feel like a fool for that -- we both dated other people before, but I have never been with anyone else since we got together.

 

All of this makes me wonder what really happened back then. I need details. However, when I ask about the details of what happened, she states that many of the things that happened with him are lost in her memory. For example, when I ask about how they related to one another in class after the party incident, she just says, "I don't remember, I think he dropped out." She may be telling the truth, but this kind of crap just keeps my torment going. How do I know if this is true. If I knew what had happened back then right after it transpired, we could have clarified the facts or I could have called her on her shyt and ended things. However, with the passage of time, there are too many memory lapses and I just can't get all of the details. I don't want to end the marriage because it has been good, but I feel like I need an exorcism to get the demons out of my head. I can't can't view her the same way anymore.

 

The only thing I can count on is that I am slowly getting my alpha male back. I don't know if that is enough to save our marriage. I think time will tell.

[understand50]

All of this makes me wonder what really happened back then. I need details. However, when I ask about the details of what happened, she states that many of the things that happened with him are lost in her memory. For example, when I ask about how they related to one another in class after the party incident, she just says, "I don't remember, I think he dropped out." She may be telling the truth, but this kind of crap just keeps my torment going. How do I know if this is true. If I knew what had happened back then right after it transpired, we could have clarified the facts or I could have called her on her shyt and ended things. However, with the passage of time, there are too many memory lapses and I just can't get all of the details. I don't want to end the marriage because it has been good, but I feel like I need an exorcism to get the demons out of my head. I can't can't view her the same way anymore.

 

The only thing I can count on is that I am slowly getting my alpha male back. I don't know if that is enough to save our marriage. I think time will tell.

 

Buddy,

 

Yes the only thing you can count on is getting your Alpha male back.

 

As for her memory, I would not get rapped up on what she was feeling, thinking, so forth at the time. I would key, on what she did. Full on sex will not be forgotten, She ether, completely cheated on you, or walked to the edge. This is important, as you use the term "sowing wild oats", "Fooling around" this means that she was f**king them. If she was just "dating" "going out" or considering more, in my mind does not rise to cheating, but just "I came close, but decided on you". Annoying, but not cheating.

 

I think you need to find out if she betrayed you, or not. Coming close is a topic of discussion, but not in the same league as full sex. In my mind, "Fooling around", "sowing wide oats", means she was physical, if she did less, sure it may hurt, but it changes the whole response. Her considering that she maybe attracted to someone else, interesting, but not a betrayal. More, you "won the prize with stiff competition".

 

Do not let this start you questioning her faithfulness in your marriage, unless you really have some evidence to the contrary. For myself, I say that I am fairly confident my wife has been faithful during the marriage. There is in life always a possibility, just as anyone can cheat under the right conditions, but I believe she is and as been fateful. I think you both are in the same mind set. Keep to facts, not fears, question what you do not know.

 

I wish you luck......

[Buddy15]

I wish you luck......

 

Thank you for your wisdom and advice. As I noted, this has been an incredibly difficult time for me and I have felt completely alone and overwhelmed. The advice that I have received on this forum, especially from good folks such as yourself, because you have been there, has been meant more to me than I can ever express. I know that I have not done anything wrong, but it feels like I just wasn't good enough. I know it isn't true, but it does feel like that at times, and my lack of alpha behavior likely fueled this feeling and the events that transpired. That's why I have been working on my alpha male. I have to admit, it does feel good !!

 

In my job, I regularly take on a leadership role and I lecture to several hundreds of people at a time. I make very good money, and I am an "ok" looking guy, even though I will never threaten Brad Pitt. However, I realize that my tendency to be "too nice" causes my niceness to appear more like weakness. I will work on my alpha, in a controlled and balanced way (in this, Cephalopod, I heed your good warning). I will also work on my marriage and try to repair the damage that has been done, because I still desire my wife. I just feel like I can never see her the same way anymore. Time will tell if we make it.

 

From this point on, I will stop posting about this issue as I don't want to monopolize anymore time when others can benefit from your shared experiences and advice. I just hope that I can be as supportive to others as you have all been to me.

 

Thanks again!

[Cephalopod]

And you know that how? To OP knowledge she had always been faithful till a couple of days ago... Some say he had a gut feeling before he doesn't have now but that is just a cumulus of hints that make you think that there is something strange happening around your spouse, she maybe was sloppy in her youth and got better hiding her doings later on...

 

It should not be even the lying what should anoy you the most, but the fact that she didn't find you good enough to sow her wild oats with you, she saw you as the perfect beta to settle with but not as the interesting alpha to do the crazy stuff with.... that is very humiliating!!

 

Well then if I'm wrong, and Buddy feels that her veracity is worth nothing, maybe he should ask her to do a polygraph asking if she has been unfaithful to him during the marriage.

[Cephalopod]

.

 

The only thing I can count on is that I am slowly getting my alpha male back. I don't know if that is enough to save our marriage. I think time will tell.

 

Well, you need to do that for yourself, regardless of whether it saves the marriage or not. You need to feel good about you and re-build your self worth. You are the one who will have to look at yourself in the mirror each day and you need to be at ease with the man looking back at you.

 

As for your wife, does she feel or know that in your mind the marriage is in jeopardy? How has she been responding to you with all this. Is she actively trying to help you through this, or just slinking past you hoping you will let it go?

[Cephalopod]

I will also work on my marriage and try to repair the damage that has been done, because I still desire my wife. I just feel like I can never see her the same way anymore. Time will tell if we make it.

 

From this point on, I will stop posting about this issue as I don't want to monopolize anymore time when others can benefit from your shared experiences and advice. I just hope that I can be as supportive to others as you have all been to me.

 

Thanks again!

 

You are not monopolizing our time. Don't be silly. Your issue is as serious as anybody else's and you need help.

 

As for repairing the damage, your wife needs to be working on that with you. It has to be something the two of you do together. If she is not willing then you have a serious problem.

[Buddy15]

You are not monopolizing our time. Don't be silly. Your issue is as serious as anybody else's and you need help.

 

As for repairing the damage, your wife needs to be working on that with you. It has to be something the two of you do together. If she is not willing then you have a serious problem.

 

This is much appreciated -- I am new, so I didn't want to drag this on and on and on. However, this site has helped me to process these events, especially because, due to where I live, accessing a good therapist is not an option for me. I will check out talk about marriage . com, and I will give you an update on how things progress in my relationship as time passes. I feel that I owe you guys updates from time to time, given how invested so many people have been in my situation and how much help you have all given me.

 

To answer your question, though, my wife knows that things are in jeopardy and she wants to help. She answers questions that I raise from time to time, and I know that she wants to help me through this. However, sometimes I don't know if her memory is faulty for the details that I need, or if she just thinks that if we avoid this long enough, that it will all go away and we will get back to normal. I guess this isn't an unusual dynamic, given the situation. Its just that I would like to get to the point where nothing "new" comes out.

[Cephalopod]

This is much appreciated -- I am new, so I didn't want to drag this on and on and on. However, this site has helped me to process these events, especially because, due to where I live, accessing a good therapist is not an option for me. I will check out talk about marriage . com, and I will give you an update on how things progress in my relationship as time passes. I feel that I owe you guys updates from time to time, given how invested so many people have been in my situation and how much help you have all given me.

 

To answer your question, though, my wife knows that things are in jeopardy and she wants to help. She answers questions that I raise from time to time, and I know that she wants to help me through this. However, sometimes I don't know if her memory is faulty for the details that I need, or if she just thinks that if we avoid this long enough, that it will all go away and we will get back to normal. I guess this isn't an unusual dynamic, given the situation. Its just that I would like to get to the point where nothing "new" comes out.

 

And you may have to just come to the acceptance that she may very well not remember all the specifics. Especially if she was smoking dope and drinking.

 

However, she definitely remembers who she slept with and how many times. Don't let her stonewall you. As far as you know, she was not that promiscuous...except for this one portion of time when the two of you were apart. If she was banging a new guy a night for twelve weeks then yeah...I can see how her memory would be foggy, but I assume we are talking about two or three guys at most? No, she remembers.

 

As for yourself, got to the MMSLP website and learn about the MAP and do it.

 

Also make sure you are:

 

1) Eating nutritious foods and staying away from fats and sugars;

2) working out and exercising daily;

3) Taking care of your personal needs and getting back in touch with the guy you used to be or the man you want to be.

4) Dressing nicely;

5) Doing NMMNG and following those precepts;

6) Being forthright with your needs and expectations.

 

I think you have the opportunity to channel you anger at your wife in a productive manner. You are learning to become a more authentic man. And with that growing knowledge I think you have the opportunity to lead your wife into a new and more honest marriage, if you have the courage to do so.

[JS84]

Your situation, as much as it sucks, is not uncommon. Wife had you pegged as the good guy, husband material, etc and then the second she had the opportunity to **** around with bad boys, sow her oats, and get it out of her system she did and then went back to her faithful, safe, and reliable backup plan. Would I be right to say you've had her on a pedestal since you guys were dating?

 

I'm sure her memory is perfectly fine. I'm sure she knows most, if not all the details of what she did. Chances are you aren't going to get many, let alone most of them. Why should she tell you? And why should you believe what she does?? What incentive does she have to tell you?? You've already forgiven her and you're not even 100% sure what it is you're forgiving. Despite the fact she's been lying to you for decades. That's exactly why she settled down with you. And I'm not saying that as a criticism of you, it is what it is.

 

Different people react differently to these things. But it seems quite clear your wife took you for granted and it doesn't look like you've given her much of a reason not to do so again. I was particularly concerned with your first post implying that she was urging you to get over what she did and her subsequent lying. If she still has that mentality it is a HUGE problem.

 

I'm surprised I haven't seen anyone really mention a polygraph but I recommend you have her take one to make sure she's telling the truth and that she hasn't cheated on you during the marriage as well. I wouldn't just rely on her words and your gut.

[Bufo]

I'm not thread jacking. Your issue does raise a point I have thought about independent of your inquiry, however.

 

It is often stated here that men are far better than women at compartmentalizing during affairs. However, I have often thought that women are far better than men at living their lives chapter by chapter. Once a chapter is over, it's over. And thus it is possible that she has spent little if any time reflecting on her long ago A. And therefore she may in fact not remember all the details you (and I) would remember. History just doesn't seem to matter as much to many women.

 

Stereotyping? Maybe. But my experience has been that women are better at living in the present and can have a difficult time understanding why their H is seemingly obsessed with long ago events. Not an obsession to you or me but it seems like an obsession to them.

[understand50]

It all comes down to reality. What was the story of how you met and got together? We all have one in our minds, it is the first block in the relationship, marriage. It is jarring, and just confusing to find out, that what you thought all these years is wrong. Your first thing is to try and find out what is real. You need to find this, there is a gap your your history, and your ego.

 

Myself, as an example, I was 15 when I met my future wife, she was 17. We stared dating a year after that, and became regular lovers when I just turned 17. None of our family, friends, liked us being together, Many worked to break us apart, but we prevailed. Our love for each other won out, and we are one, 40 plus years later. Yes her ONS, was a mistake, but she was taken advanage of. We were able to work trough that. She wanted me, and saw me as her mate for life. OK, very positive, young guy High School guy dating older collage girl, and true love wins out. All very good.

 

The real story, found out many years later. She started sleeping with me because, one I really wanted her, and two she wanted to piss off my sister. The fact that we had fun together, in and out of bed, just kept it going. She "liked" me. She could depend on me, and I liked her for more then just having sex. I saw her as a girlfriend, and fell deeply in love. She, liked me, was not really in love with me, but I was just "fun". She did not see me a a life long partner. She was living with her friends at the time about two hours away via the bus. They were working to break us up, they bet and she took it, that she could F**K a guy in the apartment complex. The reasoning, was that she could have a real "man" and did not have sink to bedding a "high school" kid. So she did. She was not taken advanage of, she went out of her way to screw this guy, probably more then once over a weekend. When she did this, she had "written me off" and was going dump me.

 

So why are we together? Well, she was not going to dump me with a "Dear John" letter. She told me she needed to see, me and I came up the next weekend. I came every weekend, but did not the weekend she cheated. She told me her "Story" at the bus station thinking I would yell, get back on the bus, and leave. I did not, I wanted to talk, and while really hurting, still wanted her. Now, in the mean time, she had found out that her friends, had set her up to some extent, telling the guy, that they had bet her she could screw him, and she would be a easy lay, as she was. She felt shame and used. We reconciled, She moved out from her friends, and has been faithful to me ever sense. I am sure as any other married person can be.

 

Why this story? Many years later, a second crises came about, namely her overspending and draining out accounts. We came close to bankruptcy. That is the reason I started to use LS, in an attempted to understand why. During this, I almost divorced her, come a far as filling out the papers, and consulting a lawyer. I decided to give her another chance, we have been working on our marriage ever sense. The one thing, that came out of all this, is that I had to have the truth on all subjects, and would not stand for her keeping secrets on anything.

 

The first part was her sexual past, I knew some of it, but during our marriage she would drop hints from time to time, I was tired of being the one who did not have the whole story. So after much talking she told me. Questioned her, and pointed out some inconsistency , remember I knew her in the day, and remembered what she talked about. I am sure I have most of it. In the end two boyfriends, and 3 ONS, or brief flings. It was not her past, it was her not being open and able being to share it with me. As it being her own business, I would go along with that mostly, but in our case, it was affecting our relationship, as she would hint from time to time, mostly with old friends from high school. I was just tired of not being in on the joke.

 

The whole truth about her "ONS", came out when I found a letter from a old friend of her, that has passed on. It was in answer to a letter she sent, at the time, and gave enough details for me to start questioning. The facts then came out. After all these years, she was afraid that I would leave her over it. I told her, we had 40 years, and that weight of love and marriage could easily get over this, but needed to know the truth. So she spilled. I asked her, why after we we living together she did not sit me down, and tell. Her response, was the she was ashamed, she did not want to hurt me, and that she just wanted to leave that part of her life behind. I can understand all that, but pointed out, it left me in the dark, believing a falsehood.

 

So, I have a new starting story, certainly not as nice as the original. I have question myself as well as to why I tool her back, Love and ego. I loved her as hard as your first love can be, and I was not going back and have all those who kept telling me I would win her, be right. In the end, knowing the truth, had been helpful. It has helped me understand her better, help me get my own timeline in order, and brought us closer together. She has the courage and trust to let me know the worst.

 

Buddy15, this is what I think you want from your wife, and what I wanted from mine. After all the love, time and work of your marriage, can she now have the trust in you, and the courage to tell you the truth, knowing you will understand and forgive her? Yes you will be hurt, yes you will have questions, but the two of you that make up "US" can work trough it and come out better. You have 20 years of a good marriage, anything in the past can be dealt with. Honest communication, on all things will be the reward.

 

Does she love and trust you enough to tell you the truth?

 

As always I wish you luck......

[Buddy15]

Buddy15, this is what I think you want from your wife, and what I wanted from mine. After all the love, time and work of your marriage, can she now have the trust in you, and the courage to tell you the truth, knowing you will understand and forgive her? Yes you will be hurt, yes you will have questions, but the two of you that make up "US" can work trough it and come out better. You have 20 years of a good marriage, anything in the past can be dealt with. Honest communication, on all things will be the reward.

 

Does she love and trust you enough to tell you the truth?

 

As always I wish you luck......

 

Understand50, thanks for sharing your story. I see so many similarities between us. My wife and I both dated prior to meeting and I have never been concerned about who she dated or what she did before meeting me. However, like you, I ended up falling for a girl who became my true love. However, finding out that she was quite ambivalent about our relationship early on, and then later finding out that she moved on with others while we were in a LD relationship, shattered not only me, but my perception of her.

 

I am still struggling with her initial ambivalence, the rapid nature of her cheating once she moved away, and her ability to lie all of these years. However, with the passage of time, I find that I am also becoming quite angry with the type of guy(s) she cheated with back then. I think you can relate and I would love to learn more about how you dealt with this particular aspect. When I first dated my wife, I was in a highly ranked college and was working hard. I later graduated at the top of my class and went on to earn several graduate degrees. Now, I am at the top of my field and I earn a lot of money. However, I just can't get it out of my head that my darling girlfriend, at the time, cheated on me with complete losers. Granted, one of these guys is a decent looking guy, but he had no ambition and no potential. He went on to earn a meaningless two year associate degree, got married and divorced, and now works for low wages at a low end job. His adult kids are now routinely in trouble with the law and in the papers for drunk driving, vandalizing churches etc etc etc.

 

I look at my wife now and I have such disrespect for the fact that she brought this loser into my life and into my head. I know that this is similar to your situation. Your wife slept with a guy who seems to have had little going for him, and then she lied all these years about this. Did this factor weigh on you so heavily, too? I just can't seem to let go of the fact that my girlfriend, and now wife, did what she did with such a complete loser. I feel like, in some ways, the girl that I loved and respected so much, or as JS84 noted, the girl that I put on a pedestal, could descend so low. Did you feel this way, too, and if so, did your respect for your wife ever come back?

 

I've been much more alpha with her, and with others in my life, and I see that women, in particular, seem to relate well to this. I know that I can pull the alpha male off, but it just feels meaningless to me at times. I feel like a woman should be relating more on a deeper level, and not to the superficial appearance or behavior of a man. I feel like I've lost so much respect for my wife and I wonder if it will ever come back. Your thoughts on this would mean much to me. Thanks!

[fenix]

Understand50, thanks for sharing your story. I see so many similarities between us. My wife and I both dated prior to meeting and I have never been concerned about who she dated or what she did before meeting me. However, like you, I ended up falling for a girl who became my true love. However, finding out that she was quite ambivalent about our relationship early on, and then later finding out that she moved on with others while we were in a LD relationship, shattered not only me, but my perception of her.

 

I am still struggling with her initial ambivalence, the rapid nature of her cheating once she moved away, and her ability to lie all of these years. However, with the passage of time, I find that I am also becoming quite angry with the type of guy(s) she cheated with back then. I think you can relate and I would love to learn more about how you dealt with this particular aspect. When I first dated my wife, I was in a highly ranked college and was working hard. I later graduated at the top of my class and went on to earn several graduate degrees. Now, I am at the top of my field and I earn a lot of money. However, I just can't get it out of my head that my darling girlfriend, at the time, cheated on me with complete losers. Granted, one of these guys is a decent looking guy, but he had no ambition and no potential. He went on to earn a meaningless two year associate degree, got married and divorced, and now works for low wages at a low end job. His adult kids are now routinely in trouble with the law and in the papers for drunk driving, vandalizing churches etc etc etc.

 

I look at my wife now and I have such disrespect for the fact that she brought this loser into my life and into my head. I know that this is similar to your situation. Your wife slept with a guy who seems to have had little going for him, and then she lied all these years about this. Did this factor weigh on you so heavily, too? I just can't seem to let go of the fact that my girlfriend, and now wife, did what she did with such a complete loser. I feel like, in some ways, the girl that I loved and respected so much, or as JS84 noted, the girl that I put on a pedestal, could descend so low. Did you feel this way, too, and if so, did your respect for your wife ever come back?

 

I've been much more alpha with her, and with others in my life, and I see that women, in particular, seem to relate well to this. I know that I can pull the alpha male off, but it just feels meaningless to me at times. I feel like a woman should be relating more on a deeper level, and not to the superficial appearance or behavior of a man. I feel like I've lost so much respect for my wife and I wonder if it will ever come back. Your thoughts on this would mean much to me. Thanks!

 

The fact that those guys were no relationship material was exactly the reason your wife chose them, she could be the bad girl with them without losing anything for it because she was not planning to have a relationship with them.

I think you are misdirecting your anger, those guys were not important then and should not be important now ... they just happened to be there when she wanted to cheat...

That is exactly the whole point, your wife chose to cheat and have some wild sex with the bad guys knowing you will be there to fall back when she had enough and she kept this from you for years knowing that you probably would have not chose her if you would have known.

She is now still trying to do some damage control by withholding information and playing the loss of memory card, that is utter condescending and insulting, the least that she owes you is the truth about what really happened and she should be showing remorse big time.

It could be that she has been a faithful and good wife ever since but the truth is that she forced you into this situation by cheating and then lying to you about it robbing you from your ability to choose if you wanted to forgive her and move forward with her or not...

[understand50]

Buddy,

 

First you have to remember, that I am 2 years younger, and was in high school when this took place. My wife's lover was 2 year older then her. I have never kept up with him, or what became of him. In many respects, he was a better fit for her age wise. High School kid dating collage girl. My biggest issue with her in all this, was her inability, and to some extent continuing inability to be truthful on what happened.

 

In your case you seem to be upset, on the "station" of the guys she slept with. I assume that you now believe, or she has confessed, that she did have full on intercourse with these guys? because if it was just heavy petting, her inability to truthful needs to be explored by you. Your hang up is why she had sex with guys that that do not seem to measure up to you? Your answer, is locked away with your wife. At the time, she felt horny, and felt she could. You were written off, or she thought you would never know. Only she can answer those questions, and she may not want too. In the end, she had sex with these guys because she wanted to, and you did not matter enough to stop her.

 

Think of all the times you have been temped. Think of the times you were temped when you two were apart, all those years ago. You did not because you thought you had her, and you loved her to be true to her. At the time she did not love you enough, or really thought of you as a possible husband to stop. She wanted to get laid, and did, and you will have to come to terms with that. Those guys were just willing to get laid as well, and she said yes, and was easy.

 

In my own case, coming to terms that she wanted to have sex with someone else, and did not really think about me, was the hard part. As for respecting her, or regaining your respect for her, try and look at her life going forward from that point. Did she remain faithful and true to you once she picked you? Did she not pick a winner in the end - You? Have you not had a good life, and her "close call" almost throwning it away for those losers, was her good luck on finding you. A thought, once she picked you, she knew how wrong and bad the others were, and has been lying ever since to keep you. Now she can regain the rest of it, by being open and honest, knowing that you will understand and work with her to make a better marriage.

 

When my wife finally gave me all the facts of what went on so many years ago, I bought her flowers. I was not celebrating her having cheated all those years ago, but I was showing I knew how hard it was for her tell the truth and how scared she was, letting me know just how badly she had let me down. At the time, we were in the middle of her overspending, and divorce. was really on the table. She thought, that this would be just one more thing to be added to the grievances, and may tip us into divorce. I wanted to let her know, that my forgiveness given so many years earlier still held, even if I did not know at the time what I was forgiving.

 

Recognize that this has been hard on her as well. She did something that should have ended the relationship many years ago, and she is scared this will spoil the marriage going forward. The marriage has changed, you now know some of the truth, but she has been a good wife for 20 years, and that needs to count. Acknowledge, her pain in this. Talk, talk it out. Ask questions, and do not punish when she does the right thing and is truthful. Can you not give back some respect for the hard things she is telling the man she loves?

 

She can not undo what she did, if you had found that she this had happened a week, month, year, ago, we would be telling you that you need to decide if she can be faithful to you going forward. If you thought she could, and you loved her enough to give her a second chance, try for reconciliation. You are lucky, she has been faithful. Respect that she has been a good lover, mother, mate.

 

This is long, I hope I have helped. As always I wish you luck.....

[fenix]

At the time, she felt horny, and felt she could. You were written off, or she thought you would never know. Only she can answer those questions, and she may not want too. In the end, she had sex with these guys because she wanted to, and you did not matter enough to stop her.

 

Think of all the times you have been temped. Think of the times you were temped when you two were apart, all those years ago. You did not because you thought you had her, and you loved her to be true to her. At the time she did not love you enough, or really thought of you as a possible husband to stop. She wanted to get laid, and did, and you will have to come to terms with that. Those guys were just willing to get laid as well, and she said yes, and was easy.

 

That would be a good explanation if she cheated one time, the truth is that she was not caught in the moment and let go... she delivery dated other people and engaged on sexual activities with them...

 

 

Recognize that this has been hard on her as well.

Are you kidding me... is like saying to someone to pity the guy who killed his son because probably is going to feel bad that has to go to jail...

 

She did something that should have ended the relationship many years ago, and she is scared this will spoil the marriage going forward. The marriage has changed, you now know some of the truth, but she has been a good wife for 20 years, and that needs to count. Acknowledge, her pain in this. Talk, talk it out. Ask questions, and do not punish when she does the right thing and is truthful. Can you not give back some respect for the hard things she is telling the man she loves?

That is the problem... that she "doesn't remember". She is not even giving him the answers he deserves...

 

You are lucky, she has been faithful. Respect that she has been a good lover, mother, mate.

 

Yes, he is lucky that she is not a serial murderer too, how that changes what she did then? This is new for the OP even when it happened back then for OP is like it happened yesterday.

[Cephalopod]

This is a tough situation.

 

Buddy does your wife know you have lost a lot of respect for her? Does she care?

[understand50]

Buddy,

 

I have reread your posts, and I am not clear on just what your wife has done. In the first part, you are upset that she was inappropriate, but there was no intercourse, but she was also dating other guys causally.

 

First question: Did she have sex (vaginal intercourse) or something less (oral?)

 

Second question: Did she have sex with all these guys, or just went out with them?

 

The reason I ask, is what she did does make a difference. Dating other guys, and not doing anything is one thing, having full sex another. During your posts you move to saying she cheated, does that mean sex, or an EA?

 

Not to make light of what you are feeling, but I do think we need to keep things in perspective. Or is the real issue, you just do not really believe her? I can understand that little hell as well. You have lost respect for her. Again, for dating and then picking you in the end, or being a wide sexual girl, and then picking you. Please clarify, as what ever she has done, you should stick tot he facts alone as you understand them.

 

As Always I wish you luck....

[ShatteredLady]

"Channeling my best alpha male, I also told her that if I wasn't in a rush, I'd buy her a drink to say thanks because she deserved it. She responded with "Wow, that is really tempting, especially after the day I had today" After some small talk and a few chuckles, I left with my wife following behind."

 

 

Please be careful. I understand the issues that you're dealing with but there's a fine line between being "Alpha" & being a complete & utter ******!!! If I was the woman in the shop & realized that you were married I'd think you were an utter creep.

If I knew your wife was right there I'd think even less of you, if possible!

 

As your wife I'd be beyond disgusted! I get that you're trying to prove some point but really?!?

 

As another member said earlier (to another point) "You have to look yourself in the mirror". I couldn't be with a husband who pulled that kind of gross behavior. Hitting on a shop assistant isn't Alpha in my book but I guess we have different definitions.

[road]

Buddy,

 

I have reread your posts, and I am not clear on just what your wife has done. In the first part, you are upset that she was inappropriate, but there was no intercourse, but she was also dating other guys causally.

 

First question: Did she have sex (vaginal intercourse) or something less (oral?)

 

Second question: Did she have sex with all these guys, or just went out with them?

 

The reason I ask, is what she did does make a difference. Dating other guys, and not doing anything is one thing, having full sex another. During your posts you move to saying she cheated, does that mean sex, or an EA?

 

Not to make light of what you are feeling, but I do think we need to keep things in perspective. Or is the real issue, you just do not really believe her? I can understand that little hell as well. You have lost respect for her. Again, for dating and then picking you in the end, or being a wide sexual girl, and then picking you. Please clarify, as what ever she has done, you should stick tot he facts alone as you understand them.

 

As Always I wish you luck....

 

 

First, is does not matter what she did for whatever she did she cheated and lied about it.

 

 

Second, it does not matter what she did because it was still cheating and then lying about it.

 

 

OP, recovery is a two to five year process. You can not rush the process to heal. All you can do is to decide to do is divorce or recover the marriage.

 

 

Now based on what I have read since the marriage she has been faithful, good wife, good mother, better to keep the family intact for the kids, all point to recovering the marriage as the best choice. Those are all good reasons for motivation to recover. And if I were you the option I would try to take. See where it goes. No law says you have to divorce now. Can work on the marriage till the kids are adults and see where you are at that time.

 

 

To divorce the only motivation is to not place any value on the above and not be able to get past WW's past.