Just discovered an old affair

[ChickiePops]

Um... with all due respect, I do not think we can refer to the OP's wife as a WW. Unless I missed something, they were not married nor engaged when this happened.

 

OP, I do think you need to get over it. Honestly I could care LESS what my husband, who has been a kind, considerate wonderful man to me for nearly 20 years now, did before we got married.

 

As others have pointed out, this really cannot be the crux of your issue? Because if in fact you have been lucky enough to enjoy the sort of marriage that I have enjoyed over the years, you honestly would place very little, if any at all, attention on what happened before you were married.

 

Just something to think about...

 

I wasn't married when 2 of my ex boyfriends cheated on me. Guess what? It still hurt like hell.

[S2B]

Thanks everyone for your feedback - lots of divergent views but they are all much appreciated. I guess the big thing for me was that we agreed to be exclusive and committed, despite the long distance. I never thought she'd be the kind of person who would cheat, but since I wrote my note, my wife has been quite open with me about what happened and I now know all of the details. She apologized for being defensive with me recently and explained that she just wanted all of this to be over, but she recognized that it was still fresh to me.

 

It actually feels relieving to know the truth and she has, in fact, admitted that she cheated on me and that she lied to me all these years. Her reasoning was that she realized that she made a mistake and tried to salvage our relationship. In hindsight, she realizes that her attempt not to hurt me backfired. I know that she is genuinely sorry for the impact that this has had on me.

 

At this point, I feel that I can move on without any further secrets and without the need to revisit this issue, so this has been a healing process. I think I knew the truth all this time and that's why this issue has come up in our relationship from time to time. I value the feedback that you have all given me because it has helped me to process these recent events and I really needed that. I can deal with what happened because I know that we were young, I just wish that she trusted me enough to tell me the truth.

 

Granted, as some have suggested, I may have been her back up plan or the safe, reliable guy this whole time. I am not naive and this will remain with me in the back of my head for the rest of my life. However, moving on without her at this point is not really the option as we have a long history and a child together. Indeed, despite what has happened, I still love her immensely and find her to be incredibly beautiful and fun to be with. It just hurts so much to think that she moved on so fast or cheated and kept it from me all this time. It may seem like ancient history to some here, but to me it seems to have happened yesterday. I just wish that either she keep this all quiet and never told me, or that she told me everything right away.

 

Thanks again to all for your feedback, I have weighed each post heavily and I sincerely appreciate your help with this difficult issue.

 

I'm sure you don't know all of her truth.

 

It seems you are quick to forgive. I hope this can work out for you but not usually when the one betrayed is so quick to overlook the severity of what has happened. Do you plan to do marriage counseling?

 

You're right - your wife is not the person you thought she was. She ommits the truth to protect herself - not your relationship. Does she ommit truths in other areas of her life? Why is she beautiful if she was willing to date behind your back while pretending to still be commuted to you? That's not a beautiful person.

 

Your wife saying you should get over it is terribly mean and selfish!

 

Are you sure you're processing this clearly?

 

Keep posting - you have a lot to sort through.

Edited June 6, 2016 by S2B

[Buckeye2]

Buddy, to me it seems that you are a really nice sincere type of guy. You put your wife on a pedestal the moment you met her. My bet is that you projected your good qualities on to her. She was never as good as you imagined. Just be aware of that as you continue with your marriage.

[Whoknew30]

You guys weren't married or engaged & young. Was it wrong, yeah but alloweing this to affect your marriage to this point 23 years later? I don't get it, she's not a WW at all, she was a young girl dating a guy & messed up. To make this big of a deal years later makes me ask the question...why are you purposely looking for issues if there hasn't been any like this since you were engaged? After all these years, it's silly to me. IMO, you're struggling with your ego, which has nothing to do with her.

[WasOtherWoman]

I wasn't married when 2 of my ex boyfriends cheated on me. Guess what? It still hurt like hell.

 

I am not suggesting that it doesn't hurt. I am suggesting that it was TWENTY THREE years ago and that, according to the OP, they have had a good and loving (and faithful?) marriage for twenty three years. If he loves her and wants to continue to stay married, process it and move on.

 

Why create several years of drama over it?

[WasOtherWoman]

You use respect to obscure that his wife cheated on him before they got married.

 

 

You use grammatical technicalities that they were not married so she is not a WW.

 

 

Whether married or not.

 

 

Whether to be called a WW or WGF.

 

 

Does not lessen or justify what this woman did to this man. For the pain this man is going through is the same no matter what their relationship was called.

 

 

They were in an exclusive relationship and she cheated.

 

 

Being respect is an important word why are you not calling out the WW/WGF for her total lack of respect for her BH when she repeatedly cheated on her BH and continued with the disrespect by lying to her husband about the OM and affairs for all these years

 

hey were in an exclusive relationship and she cheated. Being respect is an important word why are you not calling out the WW/WGF for her total lack of respect for her BH when she repeatedly cheated on her BH and continued with the disrespect by lying to her husband about the OM and affairs for all these years.

 

And I say to you (respectfully, of course ) come on now, it was twenty three years ago. If things are TRULY as the OP says, and they have had a happy and committed 23 year marriage, how is this even remotely important. This girl was in college...... the day that I badger my husband about something he did while he was in college will be the day I check myself in to get my head examined because clearly I will have lost my grip on reality.

[road]

I am not suggesting that it doesn't hurt. I am suggesting that it was TWENTY THREE years ago and that, according to the OP, they have had a good and loving (and faithful?) marriage for twenty three years. If he loves her and wants to continue to stay married, process it and move on.

 

Why create several years of drama over it?

 

 

This Old News for the WW.

 

 

It is Current Events, hot off the presses, news for the BH.

 

 

This BH is no different then other BH's. He needs the truth and to talk about what happened with his WW as part of the healing process that all BH's go through.

 

 

Getting the truth is the first step to the BH processing the affair. For those that conveniently recovery takes 2 to 5 years.

 

 

Well this BH just had his D day. For his WW to say get over it before that 2 to 5 year time frame is trying to rug sweep her affair. No one made her get over it fast.

 

 

What is Good For The Cheater Is Good For The Cheatee.

[road]

And I say to you (respectfully, of course ) come on now, it was twenty three years ago. If things are TRULY as the OP says, and they have had a happy and committed 23 year marriage, how is this even remotely important. This girl was in college...... the day that I badger my husband about something he did while he was in college will be the day I check myself in to get my head examined because clearly I will have lost my grip on reality.

 

 

 

 

Badgering why smoked pot, got drunk, cut a class, or anything else all combined is not on the same level of being cheated on and then lied to for 23 years.

[WasOtherWoman]

Badgering why smoked pot, got drunk, cut a class, or anything else all combined is not on the same level of being cheated on and then lied to for 23 years.

 

I do hear what you are saying and I can understand where you are coming from, but, and I can only speak for myself, I don't really consider this particular scenario as cheating on a marriage, nor, for me, would it have the same impact.

[road]

I do hear what you are saying and I can understand where you are coming from, but, and I can only speak for myself, I don't really consider this particular scenario as cheating on a marriage, nor, for me, would it have the same impact.

 

Cheating before, during, or after the honeymoon is just to continue playing with technicalities.

 

 

She cheated on him. And what happened when the truth comes out about the cheating there will be the consequences that will have to be faced. This WW can not avoid them or be allowed to rug sweep them.

 

 

Worse then the cheating is her allowing he to marry her under deception. Then to continue to allow the deception to continue for 23 years where the BH wakes up to find out that his life has been built on a continuous lie.

 

 

The consequences do not call for immediate divorce though they do demand that the WW never ever says get over it after all that was 23 years ago.

 

 

A WW that says that has no intention of making amends and providing compensation to her BH so the marriage can be healed.

[Lady Hamilton]

To me, arguing about a party she went to more than 23 years ago when you guys were together less than a year and you were out-of-town seems like a red flag... Not on her, but on you. Why after two and a half decades were you still arguing about this?

 

I get she finally confessed she was attracted to him and went to a party with him as a date, but did they have sex? Did they cross physical lines?

 

From the sounds of it, she was interested in him, she thought you guys were over because you had moved away (something that, in college, is a ridiculously commonplace thing I might add), so she went out on a bad date and then dumped the guy.

 

I'm not sure I'd call that cheating.

 

I get you felt you were exclusive, but she didn't, so she went on a casual date. She didn't believe the relationship had legs until steps were taken to prove that, yes, this is a serious relationship, and when she saw that she acted accordingly. You knew at the time she went with this guy, this isn't new information as of this argument. The only new information is that she went with the guy and kinda liked him. Kinda liking somebody else isn't cheating.

 

Being attracted to somebody else is human nature and to accuse the woman who's been faithful to you for 23 years of cheating because she went on a casual, one-time date with a guy she was attracted to seems a bit of an extreme reaction. And still arguing about it 23 years later seems even more of an extreme reaction.

 

And ultimately I'm not seeing a bad choice here. She went to a party, which is fine, to hang with her friends, also fine, with a guy she knew and kinda liked, then saw illicit behavior and left. It seems like she made great choices to me.

 

Maybe I have a low tolerance but if my husband was throwing in my face about how I went to a party 23+ years ago with a guy who turned out to be a druggie and how bad a choice that was and how at fault I was for putting myself in that situation... Honestly... We wouldn't have made it to 23 years.

Edited June 9, 2016 by Lady Hamilton

[understand50]

To me, arguing about a party she went to more than 23 years ago when you guys were together less than a year and you were out-of-town seems like a red flag... Not on her, but on you. Why after two and a half decades were you still arguing about this?

 

I get she finally confessed she was attracted to him and went to a party with him as a date, but did they have sex? Did they cross physical lines?

 

From the sounds of it, she was interested in him, she thought you guys were over because you had moved away (something that, in college, is a ridiculously commonplace thing I might add), so she went out on a bad date and then dumped the guy.

 

I'm not sure I'd call that cheating.

 

I get you felt you were exclusive, but she didn't, so she went on a casual date. She didn't believe the relationship had legs until steps were taken to prove that, yes, this is a serious relationship, and when she saw that she acted accordingly. You knew at the time she went with this guy, this isn't new information as of this argument. The only new information is that she went with the guy and kinda liked him. Kinda liking somebody else isn't cheating.

 

Being attracted to somebody else is human nature and to accuse the woman who's been faithful to you for 23 years of cheating because she went on a casual, one-time date with a guy she was attracted to seems a bit of an extreme reaction. And still arguing about it 23 years later seems even more of an extreme reaction.

 

And ultimately I'm not seeing a bad choice here. She went to a party, which is fine, to hang with her friends, also fine, with a guy she knew and kinda liked, then saw illicit behavior and left. It seems like she made great choices to me.

 

Maybe I have a low tolerance but if my husband was throwing in my face about how I went to a party 23+ years ago with a guy who turned out to be a druggie and how bad a choice that was and how at fault I was for putting myself in that situation... Honestly... We wouldn't have made it to 23 years.

 

Lady Hamilton,

 

I understand the confusion, and the OP has not really stated that sex happened. From what I read, she was in a sexual relationship with the guy she went to the party with and only dumped him when he used illegal drugs. Also, she admitted to casual sex sex with other. I do not know if I am reading this right. She may have been "open" to the idea, and nothing happened, in this case I do agree with you, let it go.

 

Or, she may have been sleeping with the other guy and also having casual sex with others. In that case, I think the OP has a real issue with his wife. Looks like she has come clean with all she did and now he has to deal with it. From this vantage point, she cheated, and then lied for 23 years. The better thing to have done, would have been to confess all when they were talking about getting married. In the OP second post he states the following:

 

"It actually feels relieving to know the truth and she has, in fact, admitted that she cheated on me and that she lied to me all these years. Her reasoning was that she realized that she made a mistake and tried to salvage our relationship. In hindsight, she realizes that her attempt not to hurt me backfired. I know that she is genuinely sorry for the impact that this has had on me. "

 

So, she cheated, she had sex with another guy(s), while letting the OP believe he was the only one. The time frame does not matter. Their relationship Boy Friend/ Girl Friend does not matter, they had both said they would be true to each other.

 

In your own case, if you found your husband had slept around when you both had decide to be together, and you found out much later (20 years?) would you not start questioning your marriage? I know I would. The fact that she can point to 20 years of being faithful, will help, and yes, I would not divorce her over this. I would want to talk it out, and I would have questions.

 

My two cents, and I wish you luck.........

[Lady Hamilton]

In both of his posts I don't see where he said she had sex with anybody.

 

Perhaps I'm wrong, but he said the issue is she lied about being attracted to others when he thought they were exclusive. He said nothing about sex or intimacy, and considering I've seen people here use the "cheating" label pretty loosely, who knows what he's defining as cheating... Especially given he didn't say she admitted to sex, just attraction.

 

23 years is a long time to carry such a meaningless grudge on what happened less than a year into dating. Especially if exclusivity was never actually declared, simply assumed.

[juniorrocha]

People commit mistakes. You were both too young. If after all these 23 years your relationship was a great one (as I assume it was considering what you've said so far), then you should get over it; in time, of course. Forgive her and get past that issue.

 

I would consider talking to her about it one last time, ask if there's anything else you need to know and if it's all alright, believe her and keep going. I would never throw away an awesome 23 years relationship because of something that happened so long ago. Then again, that's just me.

[Buddy15]

In both of his posts I don't see where he said she had sex with anybody.

 

Perhaps I'm wrong, but he said the issue is she lied about being attracted to others when he thought they were exclusive. He said nothing about sex or intimacy, and considering I've seen people here use the "cheating" label pretty loosely, who knows what he's defining as cheating... Especially given he didn't say she admitted to sex, just attraction.

 

23 years is a long time to carry such a meaningless grudge on what happened less than a year into dating. Especially if exclusivity was never actually declared, simply assumed.

 

I should clarify. Exclusivity was not assumed, we both declared that we were remaining together and in a monogamous relationship LD. Also, intercourse with this guy did not happen, but many other things did on the night of the party. Also, I was informed that, had he not used drugs, the relationship would have become sexual. In that whole time, I was assuming that we were still in a relationship and I was working hard at school and with part time jobs to earn money so that I could visit her. During that time, she was going to parties with other guys. She later admitted that these were "dates." That is what has been my sticking point and that is why we have argued from time to time. She has always stated that she went out with other guys as friends, but they always seemed to be "dates" to me all these years. Years after all this occurred, I learned that men were picking her up, taking her out and dropping her off, but she said that they were just friends. From time to time, this didn't make sense to me, and as I learned recently, my gut feel was right all along. She has finally come clean about all of this, and this is helping me to process what happened.

 

I do feel that we are working through this, but I definitely needed to hear an honest depiction of what happened. Basically, I can't get over things unless I know what it is that I am getting over.

[Poutrew]

And I say to you (respectfully, of course ) come on now, it was twenty three years ago. If things are TRULY as the OP says, and they have had a happy and committed 23 year marriage, how is this even remotely important. This girl was in college...... the day that I badger my husband about something he did while he was in college will be the day I check myself in to get my head examined because clearly I will have lost my grip on reality.

 

 

Problem is that this is NOT in the past. Wife used this information as a weapon in a recent argument specifically to hurt him. I think wife was not prepared for the blowback her revelation caused. Well, too bad. I'll get out the violin and play a tune... this is stuff that from OPs perspective happened yesterday, not 2 decades ago. My other concern would be that if wife has held on to this secret for 23 years, what else is she not telling me? For example, I'd be concerned when she says sex never happened. What does she consider sex? Oral? Anal? Or is she just lying in an attempt to minimize an already bad situation? Maybe I'd need a polygraph to set my mind at ease... and wife better not complain, as she caused all this mess.

[Lady Hamilton]

I should clarify. Exclusivity was not assumed, we both declared that we were remaining together and in a monogamous relationship LD. Also, intercourse with this guy did not happen, but many other things did on the night of the party. Also, I was informed that, had he not used drugs, the relationship would have become sexual. In that whole time, I was assuming that we were still in a relationship and I was working hard at school and with part time jobs to earn money so that I could visit her. During that time, she was going to parties with other guys. She later admitted that these were "dates." That is what has been my sticking point and that is why we have argued from time to time. She has always stated that she went out with other guys as friends, but they always seemed to be "dates" to me all these years. Years after all this occurred, I learned that men were picking her up, taking her out and dropping her off, but she said that they were just friends. From time to time, this didn't make sense to me, and as I learned recently, my gut feel was right all along. She has finally come clean about all of this, and this is helping me to process what happened.

 

I do feel that we are working through this, but I definitely needed to hear an honest depiction of what happened. Basically, I can't get over things unless I know what it is that I am getting over.

 

Yeah, then I'd say that it's time for you to let it go.

 

Even knowing they were casual dates, there was no sex, just attraction and going out, I don't think what she did would be termed cheating. And considering it has after all been almost two and a half decades and you believed that's what it was all along, you've spent waaaaaay too long beating her up about it.

 

I get it. You thought exclusive. She thought the relationship was over. You signed up for the Virgin Mary, you got just another sinner. She went to a party that got a little rowdy and somehow that's her fault.

 

But in the time you've held this grudge and have been arguing about it, people have been born and are now legally able to drink. She didn't do this yesterday. And since then, she's been a faithful and loving wife who has put up with more on this whole subject than most would.

 

I still think this is kind of a huge overreaction on your part and perhaps it's time to seek outside help on how to move past this without it further impacting your relationship.

[understand50]

Yeah, then I'd say that it's time for you to let it go.

 

Even knowing they were casual dates, there was no sex, just attraction and going out, I don't think what she did would be termed cheating. And considering it has after all been almost two and a half decades and you believed that's what it was all along, you've spent waaaaaay too long beating her up about it.

 

I get it. You thought exclusive. She thought the relationship was over. You signed up for the Virgin Mary, you got just another sinner. She went to a party that got a little rowdy and somehow that's her fault.

 

But in the time you've held this grudge and have been arguing about it, people have been born and are now legally able to drink. She didn't do this yesterday. And since then, she's been a faithful and loving wife who has put up with more on this whole subject than most would.

 

I still think this is kind of a huge overreaction on your part and perhaps it's time to seek outside help on how to move past this without it further impacting your relationship.

 

Well after hearing no sex, and just "dates" at a party, this is not cheating. Like Lady Hamilton, I believe you need to get over this. Also, I think that we need to careful, using the words cheating. To me, that means Sex outside the relationship. She choose you, and you need to get past she looked, and thought about others. We all think about others from time to time, but this is not cheating, until an act happens. The fact she thinks she may have had sex, if things had moved along with the other guys, does not rise to cheating. Be glad she stayed with you and nothing happened.

 

I wish you luck......

[Buddy15]

Thanks again to all who posted. You've helped me a good bit. To clarify, there was dating and, in my opinion "inappropriate behavior" that I am not comfortable with, even to this day. My partner admitted that she dated other guys and engaged in sexual contact (other than intercourse) with at least one of these guys while we were still committed to one another. When I posted it wasn't sexual previously, I meant that there was no intercourse. In my view, I still view this as cheating on me, given that we had agreed to remain in a monogamous relationship. The thought that she was dating others, french kissing them, and can recall holding at least one other guy's erect member in her hands -- well that just isn't something that I can get over so easily. These are the things that she recalls happening at the time and I am not ok with that. Especially when she admitted that she would have gone on to have intercourse at some point with the one guy had he not engaged in drug abuse -- all because she assumed that we wouldn't have survived. Key thing, she never told me any of this at the time. I was firmly and whole-heartedly faithful to her the entire time and she hid these interesting facts for 23 years. Quite frankly, had I known the truth right away, I would have ended the relationship at that time.

 

As some may recall from my earlier post, I was told that a guy just hit on her and did drugs at a party, and these were the facts that were presented to me for 23 years. The true story was, in fact, a real kick to the head to me, so I can't accept that this wasn't inappropriate behavior or cheating. Even if it wasn't intercourse, it just isn't right. Also, it is hard to just "move on" when all of this just came to light. With all due respect to those who criticized me, this takes some time to process.

 

However, with that said, I want to thanks those who helped out. It has helped me to gain perspective, communicate more openly with my partner, and move forward in my relationship. I hope that we can finally put this to rest.

 

Thanks to all.

Edited June 10, 2016 by Buddy15

[Lady Hamilton]

This is starting to sound like the Ross and Rachel "we were on a break" debate. And the longer the story goes, the more sex your wife almost kind of maybe had with somebody else.

 

Ultimately, whatever you thought, she thought the relationship was ending or had ended. You can breeze over that, but it is what was at the core of her decision to pursue other relationships. It's not like she was in a secure, happy relationship she thought would lead to marriage... She was in a relationship of less than a year that she thought had run its course, so she resumed dating. Something was going on with her or you or the relationship that led her to believe the end was near or had occurred. When she realized it wasn't after you proved to her that you were committed to her, she acted accordingly.

 

Since then, she's been a wonderful wife and mother by your own account for two decades, despite the fact that you still argue with her about something she did in her 20s and you were dating less than a year.

 

Sure, she could have had sex... But she didn't. Just like I could have gotten killed when I pulled out too close in front of another car last week, but I didn't. I didn't even have an accident. Holding over her head she could have had sex but didn't 23 years ago makes as much sense as me calling a morgue to report when I could have died and asking for funeral arraignments.

 

Ultimately, you said you suspected this is what happened so it's not like it's the shock of the century. And she openly said at the time she went out with other guys, so finding out again that she did and admits to it is again no big secret reveal. And you said that now you know for sure what you thought you know before and have been arguing with her over for 23 years, you won't leave her or even consider doing so. So... What's even the point of bringing it up or arguing about it? Or holding onto it for decades?

 

Honestly, now knowing what you thought you knew before but still aren't over 23 years later... I'm not seeing how you are now finally able to move past it when you couldn't before. The only thing you have now you didn't before is a concrete "I told you so, I knew it" whereas you didn't before. If the "I think you did, just admit it" yielded 23 years of ammo for your arguments, who knows how many miles you'll get out of the not really new confession you sorta knew about already.

 

At this point, it's time to get outside help for you to address the situation, if you think you need it or not. You've held onto this about 22 years and 11 months longer than you should have.

[S2B]

Thanks again to all who posted. You've helped me a good bit. To clarify, there was dating and, in my opinion "inappropriate behavior" that I am not comfortable with, even to this day. My partner admitted that she dated other guys and engaged in sexual contact (other than intercourse) with at least one of these guys while we were still committed to one another. When I posted it wasn't sexual previously, I meant that there was no intercourse. In my view, I still view this as cheating on me, given that we had agreed to remain in a monogamous relationship. The thought that she was dating others, french kissing them, and can recall holding at least one other guy's erect member in her hands -- well that just isn't something that I can get over so easily. These are the things that she recalls happening at the time and I am not ok with that. Especially when she admitted that she would have gone on to have intercourse at some point with the one guy had he not engaged in drug abuse -- all because she assumed that we wouldn't have survived. Key thing, she never told me any of this at the time. I was firmly and whole-heartedly faithful to her the entire time and she hid these interesting facts for 23 years. Quite frankly, had I known the truth right away, I would have ended the relationship at that time.

 

As some may recall from my earlier post, I was told that a guy just hit on her and did drugs at a party, and these were the facts that were presented to me for 23 years. The true story was, in fact, a real kick to the head to me, so I can't accept that this wasn't inappropriate behavior or cheating. Even if it wasn't intercourse, it just isn't right. Also, it is hard to just "move on" when all of this just came to light. With all due respect to those who criticized me, this takes some time to process.

 

However, with that said, I want to thanks those who helped out. It has helped me to gain perspective, communicate more openly with my partner, and move forward in my relationship. I hope that we can finally put this to rest.

 

Thanks to all.

 

Do you plan to see a therapist together to work through the animosity you feel towards her now - since you've learned of her past behavior?

[road]

Ah the old Bill Clinton defense when ask did you have sex with that woman.

 

 

There was no intercourse though that does not mean that there was no sexual contact.

 

 

The OP said the WW did not have intercourse but did other things with her dates/BF's.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, just wanted to say that it seems to me that a number of people here have apparently missed the wood for the trees here. Let's just focus on a few facts. The OP has categorically stated that there was a clear understanding on both sides that he and his then GF were in a committed LDR. That being the case if either one of them thought otherwise or wanted to opt out of the relationship the decent thing would have been to tell the other person in clear terms what their intentions were and break off a relationship which had started to pall as far as they were concerned.

The second fact is that his GF continued to lie to him and minimize her relationships with the other guys in effect making him think that she was still in a relationship with him and everything was great in relationship heaven. There was a clear cut intention on her part to pull wool over the eyes of the OP. In the process she lied to him and kept lying to him over a period of 23 years just keeping him off balance and making him doubt himself. Thus she kept him in a state of suspended animation for these 23 years although the small flame of suspicion never really died out in his mind. When something like that frsters in one's mind it is very very hard to maintain equanimity and behave as if everything is tickety boo.

The truth finally came out when she admitted her indiscretions in a recent blow up they had. She admitted that she had been dating giys, that she had indulged in Frech kissing with some of them and had had sexual contact short of intercourse with one of these guys. She also admitted that the guy who she finally dropped due to his taking drugs at a party, had been her steady for quite a while and their relationship would have eventually led to sexual intercourse. In my opinion all this is tantamount to being predisposed to having sex because the thought and desire was already there and it was only a matter of time before the actual act took place.

The OP has clearly stated that had known these facts at the time he would have called off the relationship. Wasotherwomas says that she would be unconcerned about what her husband did while he was in college. Fine but was she in a committed relationship with him at the time? She has not said so so we can assume that she was not. This makes her case entirely different from that of the OP. The OP's wife did not give him a fair chance to decide whether he should stick with her or dump her. By leading him on and giving him the impression that she was "Girl next door" type she kept him on a leash till she haf finished sowing her wild oats and then conveniently brought him into the limelight again and happily got married to him.

The only fault I find in the OP's case is that if his suspicions had been raised at the time as it seems they were, he should have been more circumspect and called off the relationship based on what ever little information he had because those were enough to raise his suspicions in the first place. I agree with others when they say that 23 years of a good marriage is not worth throwing away for something that his wife did, even though wrong, when she eas an immature young lady. The only fly in the ointment here is that his wife is telling him the complete truth now and that she has not cheated on him on the sly( Men can be oblivious to a clever cheater's tricks) and has actually been faithful to him.

I, for one, wish the OP all the very best going forward. Warm wishes.

[Jersey born raised]

Why where you arguing about something from 23 years ago. What else is going on in your marriage and what did you think of the status of your marriage was?

 

Second how high is your self-esteem? Are you worried about something about yourself?

 

Is it possible you think something else is going on?

 

What has the marriage been like in the past?

 

Children?

 

I know some of these questions are hard, but we need to know?

[fenix]

OP, just one question... she lied to you and kept lying to you year after year, what makes you so certain that she is telling you all the truth now? Is it me the only one that doesn't believe the extend of her sexual interaction with the guys she dated? She is trying to do some damage control but my bet is that she was sexual (fully sexual) with more than one of those guys... I am just adding this because I think that for OP it may make the difference when taking a decision.

Edited June 23, 2016 by fenix