Extreme views on infidelity?

[NTV]

Respectfully, you made a claim and the impression, since it was your thread it iluded to having been said that WS's are comparable to murderers and pedophiles. It was a shocking statement and I looked through your thread history and found nothing close to your claim. If anthing your threads are filled with compassion and support.

 

To not clarify your claims suggests that members in the Infidelity Forum are guilty of such claims.

 

I did say I don't believe it was your intention but if you consider that nit picking I think you misunderstood how you came across.

 

 

 

I don't know furious, I've seen those comparisons before too. I can't remember if it was here or another forum, but I can say that I have seen them before.

 

 

 

 

________________

 

 

On a different forum that was a lady (and I'm paraphrasing a really long post) who lost a child and then her husband cheated and she said that the pain for her was worse in the latter because in the loss of the child she could say 'well, it was God's will'. She couldn't say that about her husband's actions.

 

 

So, for what it's worth I totally agree with the poster who said that each person processes and feels pain differently. What could hurt one could be nothing to another and vice versa.

 

 

________________

 

 

Cheating = abandoning spouse and family?

 

 

I would argue that it does. That the moment you seek to get needs met outside the marriage that should be met within them, that you are in fact abandoning the marriage--by taking deliberate action that you know risks it. And if there are children involved, then I would argue that you are also knowingly risking the stability of their lives.... now this is just my honest opinion adding another voice to what Raena already said.

[Whoknew30]

Respectfully, you made a claim and the impression, since it was your thread it iluded to having been said that WS's are comparable to murderers and pedophiles. It was a shocking statement and I looked through your thread history and found nothing close to your claim. If anthing your threads are filled with compassion and support.

 

To not clarify your claims suggests that members in the Infidelity Forum are guilty of such claims.

 

I did say I don't believe it was your intention but if you consider that nit picking I think you misunderstood how you came across.

 

One post of mine (which was deleted) you were comparing cheating to one of the worst things someone can do in life...which without interpretation means just as bad as a murderer or pedophiles. So I think many are guilty of not explaining what they actually mean...hence the reason behind this post.

[TrustedthenBusted]

It's a dealbreaker for everyone I know IRL. .

 

Yeah it's a deal-breaker for everyone....until it actually happens.

 

 

Infidelity was a total deal-breaker for me, right up to the moment I actually discovered her affair. In that moment, leaving was the absolute last thing on my mind, and I went into a panic mode, trying ANYTHING I could think of not to lose my family, my house, my life etc...

 

To this day, one of the hardest things is listening to someone tell someone else they have 0 tolerance for cheating.

 

Reality is, most people's tolerance turns out to be a lot higher than 0.

[Furious]

Ok. Last time I'm responding. I don't think I come across in an offensive way, maybe you are reading into it. I will say it again that I did receive posts on a thread that may have been removed, I'm not sure because I posted a lot at first and I have many threads that I don't want to take the time to re read all of, if you have that kind of time great I hope you enjoyed my threads. I come in this forum because I like it, I have never said that everyone is negative in fact as I said I have received a lot of support here. But I have also seen people make comments that I FEEL are extreme. That's all.

 

It's unfortunate that you feel this way. As to your defensiveness and jab at me, it's ok, I can take it.

 

If you make a claim and don't clarify or cannot recall it, why then bring it up.

[Zenstudent]

Im not sure why you are getting sort of bashed on this either. I havent been here long but I have done a ton of reading on this forum very recently and I have come across posts comparing adulterers to murderers and also posts that say cheating hurts worse than the death of a child.

 

Some people find infidelity worse than murder and loosing a child, that's their opinion/feeling. Other people just see it as a bit of fun on the side - no big deal. And then some use cheating for disciplining their wife to have sex with them.

 

Opinions and feelings come in all shapes and forms, since people are different. I think that applies online as well as IRL.

[Moxie Lady]

Some people find infidelity worse than murder and loosing a child, that's their opinion/feeling. Other people just see it as a bit of fun on the side - no big deal. And then some use cheating for disciplining their wife to have sex with them.

 

Opinions and feelings come in all shapes and forms, since people are different. I think that applies online as well as IRL.

 

Im not sure if by quoting me you are suggesting that I am saying that there is only one correct way to feel about this. But if you are, please go back and read my earlier post where I clearly said that it was only my opinion and others might feel differently.

[Mr. Lucky]

Yeah it's a deal-breaker for everyone....until it actually happens.

 

 

Infidelity was a total deal-breaker for me, right up to the moment I actually discovered her affair. In that moment, leaving was the absolute last thing on my mind, and I went into a panic mode, trying ANYTHING I could think of not to lose my family, my house, my life etc...

 

To this day, one of the hardest things is listening to someone tell someone else they have 0 tolerance for cheating.

 

Reality is, most people's tolerance turns out to be a lot higher than 0.

 

Also found this to be true. It's easy to talk tough about everything from infidelity to bar fights until you find yourself in the middle. Never quite as clear cut as we think...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Raena]

Yeah it's a deal-breaker for everyone....until it actually happens.

 

 

Infidelity was a total deal-breaker for me, right up to the moment I actually discovered her affair. In that moment, leaving was the absolute last thing on my mind, and I went into a panic mode, trying ANYTHING I could think of not to lose my family, my house, my life etc...

 

To this day, one of the hardest things is listening to someone tell someone else they have 0 tolerance for cheating.

 

Reality is, most people's tolerance turns out to be a lot higher than 0.

 

I agree. I think it also depends on how long you have been with the person and how much you have invested in the relationship. It's one story to be dating someone, not living together and find out they cheated... it's a completely different story when you have invested years of your life together... financially, emotionally etc. It's a lot easier to walk away when you are young, have no children, don't own a home together.

 

So yeah, if you asked me when I was 18 if I had zero tolerance for cheating and I would have said a resounding yes! No way, drop that man like a bad habit. But 20 years later, 2 kids, a house, and all those years of memories and feelings cloud the situation.

[Zenstudent]

Im not sure if by quoting me you are suggesting that I am saying that there is only one correct way to feel about this. But if you are, please go back and read my earlier post where I clearly said that it was only my opinion and others might feel differently.

 

I understand why you are unsure

It was meant to be some sort of generic quote - meaning that it's a fact that people have very different views on infidelity - both online and offline.

[Moxie Lady]

I understand why you are unsure

It was meant to be some sort of generic quote - meaning that it's a fact that people have very different views on infidelity - both online and offline.

 

Got it, thank you!

[66Charger]

I'm actually not the one saying that the "breaking of a vow" is the worst thing one can do. That's the other poster. And the discussion was divorce in general and the awfulness of breaking the marital vow, not leaving cheating spouse.

 

The assertion is made that "breaking a vow" is worse than rape, murder, and child molestation. I'm asking that poster of that holds true when one breaks a vow via divorce... Which they haven't answered.

 

No need to call me names because you're jumping in 2/3 of the way through a conversation and don't know what we are discussing.

 

No it wasnt. The assertion, and first line of the paragraph clearly stated "but if you are divorcing, you are breaking your vows too" Along with the "assertion" that breaking the vow of infidleity is no different than the decision to divorce. Read your own words., "lady"

 

Regardless, one only needs to follow (without the need to comment) to see the justification some must use, including using vile crimes as a comparison in order to shed sunlight on their own misdeeds. I will stand by my point, that it is TWISTED thinking. I dont think that calling a thought pattern twisted is calling anyone names, however if that is offensive, rest assured that those who write with glee, about there exploits that damage another, are just as offensive.

[Mrs. John Adams]

When I first came here....I was compared to criminals and told I was worse..because I am a FWW. It happened quite frequently at first. It thankfully...does not happen anymore.

 

You can look all you want...and you will not find those comments because they were removed.

 

One thing about loveshack..it is heavily moderated and inappropriate comments and bashing are removed. Bashers are banned.

 

So it is quite possible that horrible things have been said and read by others and were then removed by a moderator.

[Moxie Lady]

When I first came here....I was compared to criminals and told I was worse..because I am a FWW. It happened quite frequently at first. It thankfully...does not happen anymore.

 

You can look all you want...and you will not find those comments because they were removed.

 

One thing about loveshack..it is heavily moderated and inappropriate comments and bashing are removed. Bashers are banned.

 

So it is quite possible that horrible things have been said and read by others and were then removed by a moderator.

 

Some of it is still there, Mrs A, because I read it within the last 2-3 weeks.

 

The site is heavily (HEAVILY) moderated but they cant catch everything.

[RecentChange]

Not really here to argue....

 

But when I first came here and confessed my affair I remember being told it was the worst thing I could ever possibly do to someone I loved. That it was a sure sign of being a terrible person, and would kill my relationship.

 

I took it all with a grain of salt because I had been on the other side as well.

 

I knew for me, and my relationship, it wasn't the worst thing that could happen. I knew that while he had cheated, that he wasn't a terrible person. I knew that we were able to work through that, and could probably work through this.

 

I get it. Some people do not feel the same way. For some people it is the worst thing EVER. For some people, it does mean that cheaters are terrible people. For some people, it's something that their relationship could never recover from.

 

I also learned that there is a whole lot of projection on this board, and some people can't see beyond their own experience.

 

As for zero tollerance - actually has never been a topic of discussion among my friends and family. But I do know several marriages which have been touched by, survived, and even flourished after infidelity.

 

But for the most part it is kept a secret. I know about my sister's and borther's, of my two best friends.. one person knows about my partners cheating (well, little, I avoided details), no one knows about mine.

 

There may be more relationships affected by infidelity than you know.

[BettyDraper]

I'm in Canada. I completely agree that it can be traumatizing without a doubt. I was more referring to cheaters being compared to murderers and molesters and the stance that they are horrible people who can't be fixed or ever be trusted again. Everyone is different for sure and this has been painful, I just don't think that because he cheated for a few months I should write off everything about him.

 

I'm Canadian as well. I think views on infidelity are culturally influenced. Married couples of different generations handle cheating in varying ways too.

 

It would probably help to realize that you are free to react to your husband's infidelity the way you choose and others may not agree with your choices.

 

I believe that when people have suffered a traumatic experience, triggers can lead to extreme reactions which do not make sense to whomever is observing the responses.

[Red123]

When I first came here....I was compared to criminals and told I was worse..because I am a FWW. It happened quite frequently at first. It thankfully...does not happen anymore.

 

You can look all you want...and you will not find those comments because they were removed.

 

One thing about loveshack..it is heavily moderated and inappropriate comments and bashing are removed. Bashers are banned.

 

So it is quite possible that horrible things have been said and read by others and were then removed by a moderator.

 

Yes. This is true but apparently if I can't recall the exact thread and quote the comment from two years ago it's not real.

[Moxie Lady]

Yes. This is true but apparently if I can't recall the exact thread and quote the comment from two years ago it's not real.

 

I cant recall the exact threads from two WEEKS ago

[ladydesigner]

Why? Self loathing?

 

Knowing you are on your own is really liberating. Freedom. You can cry about it, or you can embrace it. I encourage the latter.

 

Underpants I know we do not always agree, but the freedom that comes with this is quite liberating. I do not miss the ME that put everything, including my WH, before myself.

 

My WH's betrayal was like a murder to my heart. It was and has been more traumatic than my childhood abuse and my abusive relationship prior to marrying my WH, BUT my WH is also not one of the remorseful one's from the get go and put me through False R so there is that.

[ladydesigner]

I believe that when people have suffered a traumatic experience, triggers can lead to extreme reactions which do not make sense to whomever is observing the responses.

 

Agree 100% with this. We are all different and I think some won't even know how they will react until it happens to them.

[ShatteredLady]

Although (as I stated) I agree, it is liberating to focus on oneself & that is freeing.... My post was actually simply commenting on how I find it sad (for me) to believe that no-one in this world can ever be trusted except myself.

 

I intellectually 'get-it', everyone is an island, "we are all really truly alone in this world."

I don't believe that finding this way of thinking sad is actually a symptom of "Self-Loathing" that I'm clearly in denial about.

 

Why is liking the idea of trusting family, friends & loved ones now such a 'mentally sick' concept that one must be suffering from "self loathing" to EVEN like the idea?

 

I find that judgement of me an 'extreme view'.

 

Why can't I have self-esteem AND believe in the fundamental good of many people?

 

Are there any bs's who DON'T embrace the idea that "we are all truly alone in this world" & find it a fantastic thing?

[RecentChange]

^^ sure there are.

 

I am a BS. Maybe it's unwise, maybe it's risky, but he has my 100% trust again. It took a little while, but I trust him.

 

I NEVER had this "can't trust anyone" reaction to his cheating. Didn't color my view of the world or make mw feel alone in it.

 

Like I said earlier, for some, infidelity is an earth shattering event. For me, while it was a difficult period, it's one I was able to tackle, learn from, and come out the other side with a better understanding and empathy.

 

One thing I will say, despite both of us cheating at different times, we both showed compassion and live for each other in the aftermath.

 

I have heard stories here from BS's who are hooked up with spouses that sound like real monsters.

[Moxie Lady]

Although (as I stated) I agree, it is liberating to focus on oneself & that is freeing.... My post was actually simply commenting on how I find it sad (for me) to believe that no-one in this world can ever be trusted except myself.

 

I intellectually 'get-it', everyone is an island, "we are all really truly alone in this world."

I don't believe that finding this way of thinking sad is actually a symptom of "Self-Loathing" that I'm clearly in denial about.

 

Why is liking the idea of trusting family, friends & loved ones now such a 'mentally sick' concept that one must be suffering from "self loathing" to EVEN like the idea?

 

I find that judgement of me an 'extreme view'.

 

Why can't I have self-esteem AND believe in the fundamental good of many people?

 

Are there any bs's who DON'T embrace the idea that "we are all truly alone in this world" & find it a fantastic thing?

 

Oh Shattered

 

I am sorry I brought that up. The past few days were not great for me. It was really more about me.

 

I believe in the fundamental good of people and so should you (in my opinion). Trusting family, friends, and loved ones is not "mentally sick". I hope I didn't suggest that to you! I trust those people in my life.

 

I think what I was trying to say in that earlier post was that the only thing you can KNOW is what you do. Not trust. Im sorry.

 

I agree with you too because this past long weekend was hard on me, being alone, not being able to reach family or my best friend. I wanted nothing more than to be with somebody, trust somebody.

[Lady Hamilton]

I was thinking about this last night. So I was surprised today to find your comment here that addresses my thinking, exactly.

 

Many people are relentlessly attacked on this forum for one incident of infidelity, yet it is deemed okay to divorce a spouse. It is not only deemed okay it is vociferously encourage.

 

Personally, I think divorcing is actually a breaking of the vow to "forsake all others." The definition of forsake has nothing to do with sex.

 

The definition of forsake is to abandon. When a person has an affair they are not abandoning their spouse. They may be doing something the spouse would not approve of but they are not abandoning their spouse and family. In fact, many times, they are seeking a solution to a marital dilemma through the affair, that will keep the marriage in tact rather than destroy it.

 

On the other hand, a divorce is a total abandonment and it often destroys the lives of their children.

 

So when people say they would rather divorce than cheat, it amazes me that they do not see the irony in that statement. Do they really think abandoning (forsaking) their spouse gives them the moral high ground as compared to a sexual "fling"?

 

Now there are some types of infidelity in which the wayward is very cruel and that is totally different from a spouse who simply has a sexual fling.

 

for·sake

fərˈsāk/

verbliterary

 

verb: forsake; 3rd person present: forsakes; past tense: forsook; gerund or present participle: forsaking; past participle: forsaken

abandon (someone or something).

"he would never forsake Tara"

synonyms:abandon, desert, leave, leave high and dry, turn one's back on, cast aside, break (up) with; jilt, strand, leave stranded, leave in the lurch, throw over;

informalwalk out on, run out on, dump, ditch, can

"he forsook his wife"

 

I'm thinking a lot of people aren't getting my post, as I'm not saying I see them as comparable, I'm only questioning how one breaking of the vow could be the worst of all sins and the other vow breaking is fine.

 

I personally don't care if people marry, divorce, cheat, don't cheat. If it's not my marriage, possibly the marriage of a loved one, I have zero impact or care about what people do or don't do in their marital lives.

 

That said, seeing how people dissect the vows and what they mean, I'm struck by only two realities:

 

1. I should have paid better attention to what the vows I made were

2. I should have asked for more stuff

 

As it is, my vows said nothing about forsaking, not forsaking, death doing part, or anything similar.

[Lady Hamilton]

No it wasnt. The assertion, and first line of the paragraph clearly stated "but if you are divorcing, you are breaking your vows too" Along with the "assertion" that breaking the vow of infidleity is no different than the decision to divorce. Read your own words., "lady"

 

I'm not going to get into an argument with somebody who insists that they know better what I was saying and replying to than I do.

 

The guy I wrote it to got the point and we discussed it, others got it too. If you didn't, that is neither my problem or an invitation to be rude to me.

 

The question/point was "if breaking a vow to a loved one via infidelity is the worst thing one can do, does that mean breaking it via a general divorce makes people file divorce equally repugnant, why or why not?"

 

The question/point was not "if you cheat and then your spouse divorces you, that means the spouse is as immoral as you."

 

Regardless, one only needs to follow (without the need to comment) to see the justification some must use, including using vile crimes as a comparison in order to shed sunlight on their own misdeeds. I will stand by my point, that it is TWISTED thinking. I dont think that calling a thought pattern twisted is calling anyone names, however if that is offensive, rest assured that those who write with glee, about there exploits that damage another, are just as offensive.

 

Stand by whatever point you want, but don't misread my post, insult me, presume to tell me what I actually meant when I wrote it, then insult me again.

 

I'd like to point out I was asking questions of another poster to get them to elaborate on their point on the belief that the crimes I mentioned were less of a violation than a affair. I wasn't making the statement myself.

 

You can be a crab towards me because you saw in some thread somewhere that I had an affair if that makes your day better, but when I explain my thought process behind a question I posed to somebody else, you can just go ahead and assume I know what I am talking about when I self-reference my own posts.

[Lady Hamilton]

When I first came here....I was compared to criminals and told I was worse..because I am a FWW. It happened quite frequently at first. It thankfully...does not happen anymore.

 

You can look all you want...and you will not find those comments because they were removed.

 

One thing about loveshack..it is heavily moderated and inappropriate comments and bashing are removed. Bashers are banned.

 

So it is quite possible that horrible things have been said and read by others and were then removed by a moderator.

 

While I have been quite lucky to not get such treatment (or if I have, I've missed it and/or ignored it and have since forgotten it and/or it was deleted by a mod), I have seen people make comments to others that are similar. Especially in the OW/OM forum.

 

And honestly, since some of the comments on this thread are, at best, flirting with that sentiment, I think the OP asked a great question that people are answering both directly and in their behavior on the thread itself.