I'm having trouble with our open marriage

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Trust me on this, I would love to be able to have sex with my husband. I would much rather we have sex than he has sex with other women. I do not like essentially sharing my husband with other women. I would love to be able to be able to share that with him and give him that. I know that people bond through sex and I feel like he is closer to a bunch of other women than he will ever be to me. They have shared something that we won't.

 

He knew going into the relationship what it would be like. There was no surprises. I am not trapping him or holding him hostage in a marriage he doesn't want to be in.

 

We've tried to have sex but I can't do it. I can't handle it. I try to push myself to just do it. But even if I manage to make myself do it, it's still going to be better with the other women. It will always suck with me, if we ever managed to.

 

Whenever I try to talk to people about this I always get made to feel like I'm some terrible person who is forcing a man into the worlds worst marriage. And I'm forcing him to sleep with other women because I'm too lazy to try. And that I should set him free so he can find a real woman and I should just stay alone, forever. That he's some great, amazing guy for being willing to be with me and I'm a terrible person. Or that our marriage isn't a real relationship/marriage because we don't have sex. All the feelings are the same, I still love him the same. I don't want to lose my husband anymore than anyone else in a happy marriage does. I do meant forever.

 

He doesn't want kids.

 

I talked to him last night about my feelings. He said he would stop if we try to have sex or do anything at all (hands, mouth). He wants to try over the clothes touching, tonight. It's something that's so simple, but so hard for me.

 

 

With so much focus on what is fair to him... I think you've lost important focus on being fair to yourself.

 

 

Therapy and some sort of conditioning are bound to be able to bring you and your husband closer in some regard, and I think you are resisting much more so than he is.

 

The deep-down fears have been unresolved for so very long that you seem almost paralyzed where it concerns doing anything which would let those fears see the light of day, and eventually be resolved, for it requiring far too much effort and discomfort for you to get there.

 

 

 

I think you should re-take those first steps along the path toward recovery... and I think you know what steps those are.

[Cherryz]

Just to understand this topic i looked into your old topics OP.

 

It would have been better if you added the reason why you are not able yet to have sex with him.

 

I see that you have been in a sexually abusive relationship and this effected you till now to be sexual with men?(your husband)!

And this has been a issue for you true the other relationships too?!

 

Its sad that you had to go true that. And its not something small.

But its not something that you cant heal from it. It takes time and also work.

For your own happiness its good for you to seek help of a professional and be really open about this with your husband so together you guys can work on this.

 

Confront the issue you have, dont just suppress it and try to move on.

Talk about it, and let your husband know what you need and how and so on.

get therapy alone and together also.

This is very important for you to do, for yourself first, but also if you dont work on this trauma you can pass it to your kids also. Maybe by raising them with fear for every man and so on.

 

Reading self help books or life storys of people can also help you heal.

You have to do the work. It may be painful in the beginning but at the end you will be more strong and happy and more able to connect with your husband.

And always communicate with him openly. Let him know what you like and dont like and how he should treat you so you can feel comfortable true sex.

 

Dont stay your whole life stock in this hurt.

And what can also give you a good boost beside the other things i mention is join a martial arts. Or self defense.Or a sport.

And also follow assertive classes. That will help you take control back and remind you

that you have control and you can stand for yourself.

And help you also to say no and express your limit and stand by it.

Read books about self esteem and so on.

Have your family support you and your husband.

 

And at some point one of the most important things: forgive this sick person that abused you.

Meaning let go of the anger so it wont keep control your happiness.

And remember that forgiving him is for you not for him.

 

You dont have to carry this hurt your whole life.

There is hope, there is healing.

[Just a Guy]

Hi JRP, I have a couple of questions which I think may help us fathom your situation more clearly. The first is how old are the two of you? Secondly, were you a sexual person before your molestation and did you have any sexual experiences before this molestation? Thirdly, you have stated that this molestation occurred in a relationship prior to the one you have currently, with your husband. What kind of a relationship was this? A purportedly romantic relationship or a family relationship? Also how long did you endure this molestation? Feel after to answer only those questions you feel comfortable with. Cheers!

[JRP]

I have gone through years and years of therapy and tried many different types, including ones mentioned here. Therapies do not fix everything. They made things better but it doesn't erase the past.

 

My husband goes to sex therapy with me and we try to make it better. But I'm stuck, I can't go any further. And it'll never get better until I get do baby steps to get there (ie, just touch his penis, literally just have my hand sitting there). I can put a finger there, thumb actually, that's it. And even that makes me shake terribly and have anxiety and flash backs.

 

It's not that I'm not interested in sex. I probably am at some deep, buried level. I use to want it, back before I was abused. I am terrified of it.

 

Hi JRP, I have a couple of questions which I think may help us fathom your situation more clearly. The first is how old are the two of you? Secondly, were you a sexual person before your molestation and did you have any sexual experiences before this molestation? Thirdly, you have stated that this molestation occurred in a relationship prior to the one you have currently, with your husband. What kind of a relationship was this? A purportedly romantic relationship or a family relationship? Also how long did you endure this molestation? Feel after to answer only those questions you feel comfortable with. Cheers!

 

He's 29, I'm 24. Together for 5 years, married 2. I didn't have sex before the sexual abuse but I had desires to. It was a high school relationship that the abuse happened in. Started dating a guy, he wanted sex, I wasn't ready so he did it anyway. He said that's how first times always were and everyone needs to be pushed. Kept doing it for a year, he said I'd get use to it. At the end he told me to have a drink to calm my nerves. He put something in the drink so I couldn't really move or say anything. Then raped me. Then let his brothers and friend do the same and said it would break me in quicker. I got pregnant, told my parents and they moved us away.

[66Charger]

Please tell us these guys are in prison.

[stillafool]

 

 

I talked to him last night about my feelings. He said he would stop if we try to have sex or do anything at all (hands, mouth). He wants to try over the clothes touching, tonight. It's something that's so simple, but so hard for me.

 

What about giving him oral, can you do that? Also I don't mean to be disrespectful but if you knew you could never have sex with a man why did you get married? Did you think that in the long run it wouldn't be fair to him?

[JRP]

Please tell us these guys are in prison.

 

They were. Been released for a long time now.

 

What about giving him oral, can you do that? Also I don't mean to be disrespectful but if you knew you could never have sex with a man why did you get married? Did you think that in the long run it wouldn't be fair to him?

 

I can't do oral. I can hardly even just touch him (sexually). In the morning when he wakes up with an erection he can't even lean against me spooning because it causes flashbacks. If I push myself really, really hard I might, eventually, be able to touch him. And trust me, I try. But the rest seems unreachable.

 

Because I still want to be with someone just as much as anyone else. I still want to love and be loved, have that companionship and have someone to come home to and share my life with. Not being able to have sex doesn't make me any less of a human being with feelings, wants and needs..

[BettyDraper]

Trust me on this, I would love to be able to have sex with my husband. I would much rather we have sex than he has sex with other women. I do not like essentially sharing my husband with other women. I would love to be able to be able to share that with him and give him that. I know that people bond through sex and I feel like he is closer to a bunch of other women than he will ever be to me. They have shared something that we won't.

 

He knew going into the relationship what it would be like. There was no surprises. I am not trapping him or holding him hostage in a marriage he doesn't want to be in.

 

We've tried to have sex but I can't do it. I can't handle it. I try to push myself to just do it. But even if I manage to make myself do it, it's still going to be better with the other women. It will always suck with me, if we ever managed to.

 

Whenever I try to talk to people about this I always get made to feel like I'm some terrible person who is forcing a man into the worlds worst marriage. And I'm forcing him to sleep with other women because I'm too lazy to try. And that I should set him free so he can find a real woman and I should just stay alone, forever. That he's some great, amazing guy for being willing to be with me and I'm a terrible person. Or that our marriage isn't a real relationship/marriage because we don't have sex. All the feelings are the same, I still love him the same. I don't want to lose my husband anymore than anyone else in a happy marriage does. I do meant forever.

 

He doesn't want kids.

 

I talked to him last night about my feelings. He said he would stop if we try to have sex or do anything at all (hands, mouth). He wants to try over the clothes touching, tonight. It's something that's so simple, but so hard for me.

 

That's awful that others try to make you feel like you're terrible for not having sex with your husband. I will say that your husband is more patient than most people because the vast majority of married adults expect sex to be a part of the relationship. Many would not accept an open marriage without ever being able to have sex with their spouses. That is simply a lot to ask of someone.

 

I don't doubt that you love your husband or else you wouldn't be bothered by the fact that you cannot be intimate with him. However, if you aren't pleased with your current arrangement and your husband has a high sex drive yet he rarely has sex with other women or his wife, your marriage is not happy and it isn't working for either of you.

 

What I have survived makes me understand how difficult sexual activity is for you. However, it seems like your approach to sex is not helpful because you keep saying that it will suck and it is too hard. Your rapist does not deserve to have this much power over you for the rest of your life. I wonder if the negative attitude is keeping you stuck in a traumatized state. Can you allow your husband to touch you over your clothes, stop if it gets too intense and then try again later? Gradual exposure to sexual activity is a great way to beat abuse related trauma but you need to approach those exercises with an open mind.

 

I realize that this is a very sensitive topic and I am not trying to lecture you or put you down. My intent is to give you food for thought and help you see that there are methods to heal if you choose to employ them.

[BettyDraper]

They were. Been released for a long time now.

 

 

 

I can't do oral. I can hardly even just touch him (sexually). In the morning when he wakes up with an erection he can't even lean against me spooning because it causes flashbacks. If I push myself really, really hard I might, eventually, be able to touch him. And trust me, I try. But the rest seems unreachable.

 

Because I still want to be with someone just as much as anyone else. I still want to love and be loved, have that companionship and have someone to come home to and share my life with. Not being able to have sex doesn't make me any less of a human being with feelings, wants and needs..

 

What makes you think that anyone who has posted in this thread sees you as less human? I don't understand.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I have gone through years and years of therapy and tried many different types, including ones mentioned here. Therapies do not fix everything. They made things better but it doesn't erase the past.

 

My husband goes to sex therapy with me and we try to make it better. But I'm stuck, I can't go any further. And it'll never get better until I get do baby steps to get there (ie, just touch his penis, literally just have my hand sitting there). I can put a finger there, thumb actually, that's it. And even that makes me shake terribly and have anxiety and flash backs.

 

It's not that I'm not interested in sex. I probably am at some deep, buried level. I use to want it, back before I was abused. I am terrified of it.

 

 

 

He's 29, I'm 24. Together for 5 years, married 2. I didn't have sex before the sexual abuse but I had desires to. It was a high school relationship that the abuse happened in. Started dating a guy, he wanted sex, I wasn't ready so he did it anyway. He said that's how first times always were and everyone needs to be pushed. Kept doing it for a year, he said I'd get use to it. At the end he told me to have a drink to calm my nerves. He put something in the drink so I couldn't really move or say anything. Then raped me. Then let his brothers and friend do the same and said it would break me in quicker. I got pregnant, told my parents and they moved us away.

 

 

Thank you for (being able to) be(ing) so clear in affording us greater understanding.

 

 

I still sense, though, that you aren't being fair to yourself.

 

 

Were you, say, a 57yo woman who, say, had been molested for years beginning at age four, then the patterns/feelings/reactions of abuse would have been ingrained in you from your formative years onward, and for a longevity such that (a reasonable consideration might be to write-off the rest of your {chance at knowing fully-intimate happiness with a partner} for the fact that {you'd have to move a mountain to get back to square one, before re-training yourself... and for what, exactly??? ... and with no guarantees of anything}).

 

 

However, since you are twenty-four... your equation is just different. Furthermore, to our understanding, this wasn't abuse that happened in your early formative years, and thus it probably isn't "as" deep-rooted within you as might be the case for a person victimized as a toddler.

 

(*** yet I get that it IS 'deep-rooted' to the entire extent which you can sense, feel or perceive)

 

But you left the door open a crack in clearly identifying (even for us) that you are still much like others, in what you want for yourself, and what you want in a partner.

 

Your husband might be a saint, but at twenty-nine, he may STILL not yet fully know how best to facilitate your recovery from this. He is perhaps following instincts, and listening to you, and perhaps you've even been able to sense in him (an amount of HOPE) which keeps you there.

 

But if he IS that guy who could be your savior and inspiration to move (back toward) and then through all of this, then you're going to need to lean more on him to gain the most for yourSELF and for him.

 

I also understand that to you, the therapy to date seems extensive, but given the math I've been doing here, while it surely does qualify as "years of therapy", it still can't have represented the investment and commitment to recovery needed to afford your best chance at (having a great decade in your FORTIES, down the road).

 

 

I don't pretend that any of it is going to be easy... but even you are hinting at (normal feelings that the rest of us seem to know)... and the rest of us know, also, that the best things which come from your partner happen after you invest your vulnerability IN that partner.

 

And you are not doing that for yourself...

 

 

 

SO, can a girl of twenty-four commit herself to a more typical years of therapy with the initial goal being to create for herself a decade of personal happiness and fulfillment beginning on her 40th birthday?

 

 

IF you dedicate yourself NOW... and boldly invest your vulnerability IN your husband (by what at first will only be continued therapy for you, and shared visits to your therapist when it is appropriate)... then, by age 40, you will know the raw base from which the deepest shared relationships build to heights you will never know unless you dedicate yourself in the near future to giving yourself that chance down the road.

 

 

Feel free to consider the alternatives before you make your choice about what to do...

[Just a Guy]

Hi JRP, thank you for the answers to the questions I posed. It does clarify a lot of things. Now if you are really invested in your full recovery from this state of limbo that you find yourself in I strongly recommend that you look up the profile of Dr. Brian Weiss on Google. Also follow it through by scheduling an appointment with him or some one who practices along the lines that he has established. This may be among your last chances to recover fully from the trauma that had created a mental and emotional block within you. At least give it one serious try. Cheers!

[Buddhist]

I can understand you not wanting to be involved in anything sexual. What about therapy to help you deal with your feelings of upset over your husband getting his needs attended to elsewhere? That seems like a more reasonable solution for your situation. Nothing to do with your personal trauma, but maybe help you to accept the relationship as it stands so you can still enjoy the other aspects of the relationship you do want.

[sandylee1]

You have been through a really terrible thing and that is just an understatement. I'm so sorry that other human beings did this to you and have effectively ruined a huge part of your life.

 

It's hard to know what to say to you as you've tried various types of therapy, but I can't see how your marriage will last and you be happy as things are.

 

It's a bit late now, but maybe you should have specifically looked for an asexual person to marry and this would be a non issue. You'd be suprised that there are many of asexual men and women out there, although it's not as a result of sexual abuse.

 

Your husband may one day decide 3 times a month isn't enough and want to increase it or decide he can't live like this any longer. Would it help if he showered before coming home?

[Clockwork]

I have an open marriage as well, and like yours, it's only open on his side. Unfortunately I don't have any good advice for you, since my situation is a lot different. You just don't have many options here. The people saying to NEVER have an open relationship or that your husband is a jerk are way off, in my opinion. You can't have sex, so the only way for you to be married is for your partner to either be asexual or get his needs met elsewhere. I think you guys have come to the only solution that will allow you to remain married. And your husband still only gets to have sex 0-3 times per month? And he knowingly entered into this situation, knowing you would likely never have sex and that his sex life was going to be greatly diminished? He must REALLY love you.

 

I hope you can come to terms with it. Have you tried counseling for this specific jealousy issue? Maybe the sexual abuse is too difficult to overcome, but tackling jealousy might be easier. I wish you the best!

 

I'm not into feminism or anything but there are times when feminism should give women a good kick in the butt. What the heck happened to these strong women we are supposed to have? You and the OP are so non-chalant about this open marriage to the point where you condone your husbands cheating on you. The OP needs some help, she needs anything but this toxic relationship. This is really going to help a person with mental problems about sex by letting her husband get pleasured by other women? That's not a marriage. Heck, it isn't even an ARRANGED marriage.

[Gemma1]

I'm not into feminism or anything but there are times when feminism should give women a good kick in the butt. What the heck happened to these strong women we are supposed to have? You and the OP are so non-chalant about this open marriage to the point where you condone your husbands cheating on you. The OP needs some help, she needs anything but this toxic relationship. This is really going to help a person with mental problems about sex by letting her husband get pleasured by other women? That's not a marriage. Heck, it isn't even an ARRANGED marriage.

 

Judgemental, much? I think you need to recalibrate your understanding of the word "cheating" and open your mind a bit. You don't get to define marriage for other people.

 

The OP wanted to get married because she loves her husband, and also did not want to condemn him to a life without sex, because she loves him. Do you think that you coming along and insinuating that her marriage is not a marriage because of its sexual issues is going to help her?

 

I'm sure she would like to be the one to satisfy her husband's needs. But until she can do that, what do you recommend? He should go without sex indefinitely?

[Clockwork]

Judgemental, much? I think you need to recalibrate your understanding of the word "cheating" and open your mind a bit. You don't get to define marriage for other people.

 

The OP wanted to get married because she loves her husband, and also did not want to condemn him to a life without sex, because she loves him. Do you think that you coming along and insinuating that her marriage is not a marriage because of its sexual issues is going to help her?

 

I'm sure she would like to be the one to satisfy her husband's needs. But until she can do that, what do you recommend? He should go without sex indefinitely?

 

Yes, that is exactly what she needs right now, honesty. To insinuate that her marriage is not a real marriage because her husband is gallivanting around town is being honest and open with her and not enabling the situation. It is a horrible marriage if that needs to happen. What kind of husband would do this? A good husband would help her get through these problems emotionally and wouldn't want to run around on her.

[Gemma1]

I think you are quite naive. They have a serious problem that may not ever get solved. She has clearly tried various avenues of therapy for years and seems fairly resolute that she cannot have sex. Clearly, her husband's love for her made him willing to sacrifice a normal sex life for her. Her love for him made her willing to let him fulfill a physical need elsewhere occasionally. Is it ideal? No. But not every situation has an ideal solution.

 

This is a real marriage between two people who love each other and have made HUGE sacrifices in order to be together and it's absolutely ridiculous to insinuate otherwise just because the imperfect solution that they discovered together doesn't please your particular sensibilities.

[DreamP]

This is probably totally insane and I'm doubting my own sanity suggesting this, but if you've tried everything else, maybe it's worth exploring.

 

What about trying a polyamorous closed relationship with another woman who could be a sex partner to your husband but an emotional partner to you. This way the 3 of you can spend time together and build a close relationship.

[DreamP]

I'm not into feminism

 

Feminism is about equal rights (Merriam-Webster definition: the belief that men and women should have equal rights and opportunities). If you are not into feminism, you are not into equal rights.

 

OP, I hope you are not listening to the words/advice of a person who does not believe in equal rights.

[bathtub-row]

First of all, I'm so sorry to hear about what you went through at a time when sex should've been magical. What happened to you is horrendous and it's completely understandable that having sex causes you extreme anxiety. It's possible that it always will.

 

It seems to me that you're left with few choices here -- either stay with your husband, or leave him. But it sounds like there's a lot of love and commitment between the two of you, and that neither of you wants to lose the other. I'm never in favor of open marriages but in this case, I think it's very understandable. Your husband must love you very much because he seems willing to work this out with you in whatever way is possible. But you're right that it's not fair or reasonable to expect him to stop having sex. At least you're honest with each other about this.

 

I don't know how to suggest to you to stop feeling hurt when you know he's with someone else. Perhaps he could be less obvious about it. I'm sorry you're in such a situation but there are a lot of positives in the sense that you're with a nice man who loves you. That's a big thing. I guess the best thing to do is to keep looking at the good and stay focused on that.

[JRP]

For 6 months he has been seeing a different woman, who is also in an open marriage that is only open on one side. She has been married to her husband for 15 years and for the last 10 years he has been impotent because of nerve damage. They opened their marriage a few years ago. That relationship (between her and my husband) felt safer because she is only seeing him (so medically it's safer) and she's otherwise happily married (so less chance of feelings developing).

 

My husband and I have usually agreed that he can 'have that need filled' one a week. It was enough for him to be satisfied and I could handle it. Some weeks he would, other's he wouldn't. His average was probably 2 times a month. We have a code word for it so I when he's doing that, the guesswork was too hard. The issue is that he's been doing it more often since she has 'come into the picture'. He never lies about it, he isn't hiding anything, but the rules are definitely being bent. Over the summer it was almost a daily thing. It was extremely difficult watching him leave every day. He wasn't paying as much attention to me which became a problem. We talked about it, he agreed to cut back and realized it was affected our marriage. He cut back to a couple times a week.

 

It's really hard to deal with. I try to think of it as, well he goes to physiotherapy and his therapist is a woman. I'm not jealous about that. I try and think of sex as just something else he needs. It doesn't work. At the end of the day, he's more intimate with another woman than he is with me. She does things for him that I can't do but should be able to do. She makes him feel better a way that I can't. She pleases him in a way that I can't. When he comes home he showers, like that is somehow suppose to erase the fact that she was all over him and he was inside her. His mouth is all over her vagina making her orgasm, then he comes home and kisses me (after he's brushed his teeth over and over). She knows things about him that I don't know, and understands things that I never will. In a way, he is closer to her than me. It has never happened before, but recently he slipped up and called me her name. Which hurt a lot more than I would have thought.

 

I've met her husband and it isn't easy for him either. As a man he has a really hard time letting go and letting another man meet his wife's needs, accepting that he can't do that. Meeting him was extremely awkward at first but I realized I could lean on him a bit and he understood, being in the exact same position as me. There were times when we basically swapped spouses. My husband and his wife did 'their thing' and her husband and I just talked. My husband became uncomfortable with it because that had the potential to get emotional, while his is just sexual. So that stopped. To be honest, it made it a little bit easier to handle. I had a distraction, someone to talk to who understood, and it almost felt more balanced.

 

My husband was uncomfortable with me being friends with her husband, so it stopped. He had no problem bending the rules for him though, going from a few times a month to daily sex then back down to 2x weekly sex, which still bends the rules. I know that's what the other woman wants, if he were to cut back she might involve someone else which has health risks.

 

I love my husband and he loves me. I know if I told him to cut back down to what we agreed to he would. He knows I'm uncomfortable but I will be regardless. It's not the ideal situation for him either, he'd greatly prefer to have sex with me but that's not going to happen. I guess I just feel hurt that he said he was uncomfortable and I stopped immediately no questions, but he hasn't done the same. He cut back, but not to where we originally agreed.

 

Am I expecting too much? Trying to make him a mind reader? Should I just let it go? Nothing in our marriage/home life has changed or feels compromised. We are currently on vacation in the Netherlands and this has been eating away at me lately rather than enjoying our time.

[stillafool]

You've told him you're uncomfortable but he continues to see her when he wants; therefore go back to talking to her husband when you want. He may say it isn't emotional having sex with her but I can guarantee you emotions are involved on her end.

[aliveagain]

Just a question but is there nothing that can be done in therapy that can help you to enjoy love making again? I am sorry for the abuse you suffered but intimacy is a big part of a loving relationship. I have not walked in your shoes but any kind of intimacy even if it is not enjoyable must be better then the hell you are suffering now and for the rest of your life. That's a long time to have to endure that kind of pain. What about women, is that a possibility then you and your husband could at least enjoy and share the experience together.

 

This is going to sound stupid but can you medicate yourself so you are not awake/aware and let your husband have his way with you? Is that even an option? Unless you can somehow overcome your issue this is your hell to live. I guess the last choice is to divorce and find someone that is more like the other woman's husband who can't have penetrative sex. Sorry, I just don't know of an easy way around your situation as long as you require other women to service your husband's needs. My heart breaks for you because being betrayed, even with your approval is the hardest thing to endure.

[JRP]

You've told him you're uncomfortable but he continues to see her when he wants; therefore go back to talking to her husband when you want. He may say it isn't emotional having sex with her but I can guarantee you emotions are involved on her end.

 

Two wrongs don't make a right...

 

My husband needs intimacy to feel loved and wanted. For a long time he battled with feeling like I didn't want him because I cannot be intimate with him. I can say until the cows come home that sex isn't emotional for him, but that doesn't mean I believe it... I tell myself all sorts of things to make it easier. What he doesn't understand is the feelings that he had about me and her husband aren't half of what I feel every day.

 

Just a question but is there nothing that can be done in therapy that can help you to enjoy love making again? I am sorry for the abuse you suffered but intimacy is a big part of a loving relationship. I have not walked in your shoes but any kind of intimacy even if it is not enjoyable must be better then the hell you are suffering now and for the rest of your life. That's a long time to have to endure that kind of pain. What about women, is that a possibility then you and your husband could at least enjoy and share the experience together.

 

I have been in therapy since my sexual assault happened. I've seen different therapists, been on different concoctions of medications, tried different approaches. Part of it is I talk myself out of it, but that stems from having no desire at all for sex. I want to be that for my husband, please him and have our relationship go there, but I just can't. Accepting that it's not going to happen is easier than always wondering, for both of us. For most people with enough therapy and effort (or sometimes neither) they can be sexual beings again. I'm not one of those people.

 

This is going to sound stupid but can you medicate yourself so you are not awake/aware and let your husband have his way with you? Is that even an option? Unless you can somehow overcome your issue this is your hell to live. I guess the last choice is to divorce and find someone that is more like the other woman's husband who can't have penetrative sex. Sorry, I just don't know of an easy way around your situation as long as you require other women to service your husband's needs. My heart breaks for you because being betrayed, even with your approval is the hardest thing to endure.

 

I don't think that would ever be a good option for someone who was raped... I was drugged, conscious but unable to move, and raped by my ex, his 3 brothers and one of their friends. Doing that would be terrifying and more of a hell than this is. Which is at hells doorstep at times. My husband has suggested a 'just force it' approach, so you are not alone in that thinking. We have tried to have sex, it's never been successful.

 

I think part of the reason it was nice having the other woman's husband around was because our situations are so similar. He is only a few years older than my husband, he use to be interested in sex (and had sex), he stopped for reasons out of his control, his desire for sex died with his injury. It was almost like having the opportunity to see what I maybe should have married but assumed I'd never find it (not that I have now). I don't know, it's hard to explain.

 

I guess it's just something that I have to live with if I want to be married to my husband. I have never expected him to go without sex, I did expect him to be more considerate. I have told him it makes me uncomfortable, but haven't straight out said to stop. I feel like I shouldn't be taking that away from him. It's not cheating, because we agreed to it, but it feels exactly the same as being cheated on. Worse, really, because you can't do anything about it and know it will happen over and over.

[Mr. Lucky]

I have never expected him to go without sex, I did expect him to be more considerate. I have told him it makes me uncomfortable, but haven't straight out said to stop. I feel like I shouldn't be taking that away from him. It's not cheating, because we agreed to it, but it feels exactly the same as being cheated on. Worse, really, because you can't do anything about it and know it will happen over and over.

 

I have no comment on the other aspects of your situation other than you have my sympathy for dealing with the challenges involved.

 

But sexually, you're trying to pound a square peg into a round hole. I get the feeling you'd be happiest if he went to see her every other Thursday at 2:45 pm. Sexual emotion and desire doesn't feel like that, there are peaks and valleys, ebbs and flows. If he's going to be sexual with her and you're going to allow it, you'll have to take that into consideration...

 

Mr. Lucky

Edited January 12, 2017 by Mr. Lucky