Serious ? To OW/OM

[Popsicle]

Popsicle - when you "replaced him" as you say, were you totally out of the A at that time? Just curious, I like reading about how different people manage to finally end these things for good..

 

 

Hi lemondrop. xMM and I went complete NC in May 2015 and we stuck to it. I didn't meet my BF until March 2016. When we went NC, I was ready to end things with him for good, so being ready for it is very important, I think. I didn't do any other dating either during the NC time though, I was just alone, but I think I could have. I hope that answers your question.

[HappyAgain2014]

I'm three years out of my affair. Complete NC since then.

 

I'm over him. Meeting my husband and having a relationship that didn't emotionally drain me made it fairly easy to move on.

[Poppy47]

Wow, i feel the exact same way about him now. We were together for a year and a half. I feel like I don't know who he is anymore. Thinking of him now brings utmost confusion and doubt. As if the person I loved had never existed. I feel it was a sweet dream combined with nightmare conjured by my imagination. Seems very very unreal. Such distinct difference when I look back at it as compared to other "normal" past relationships. Affair is such a hideous demon. No wonder it's one of the greatest sins. Now I feel like I'm being punished for my sin.

 

You are not being punished. You are just going through a life experience and you will come out the other end a lot wiser.

 

I said to xMM once that there was so much I didn't know about him. He replied that as long as I loved how he was with me it didn't matter. It did matter to me because it was messing with my head.

 

Poppy.

[HeCantBreakMe]

I am on day 14 of NC. I guess LC since we work together and had a couple of work emails but i consider it NC (I have to take my wins where i can right?).

 

It sucks but the support on here and from my friends has been encouraging. Whenever i have times of sadness I move away from the "happy" memories (or should i say lies) and focus on all the things that angered me about the affair. This seems to help. So does prayer for me as my faith has a lot to do with me continuing to move forward and not backwards. I also read stories on here about other exMM who have done TERRIBLE things to their AP and this elicits further anger from me - I find the fuel of anger is helpful at least at this point. I am hoping the further along I get with NC the more indifference will replace anger.

 

I did have a time yesterday when I had a memory that actually made me smile rather than be sad or angry. I tried not to focus on that too much since again it was a happy memory and I don't need those right now.

 

NC is the way to go! Oh yeah and sometimes when I am really sad I mentally kick him in the nuts a few times. It makes me smile. Try it

[Girlfromcali]

I'm a bs. I was beyond devastated by my H's affairs. Come d-day I fell into shock. I didn't know which way was up. I was uncontrollably shaking, vomiting, panic attacks, crying. It was a truly terrible time for me. I didn't eat or sleep for days on end & sleep deprivation truly messes with your brain.

 

Regardless of all that I was horrified by the notion that my H planned to just ghost her...never even explaining what had happened, her not knowing if he had a terrible accident or even if he was alive?!? That's so incredibly cowardly. You do NOT treat a human being that way.

 

For whatever motivation most BS's WANT their husbands to write an 'it's over' or NC as they call it, letter. For a MM to go THAT far & never even say "Sorry! Changed my mind" is beyond pathetic.

 

These forums make so many excuses for MM. They're (supposedly) grown adults. We all make choices in life. Sometimes they're really horrible ones. The measure of a man (or woman) is how they deal with the results of their choices. Isn't how we treat the people in our lives a fundamental measure of basic character?

 

Sometimes it upsets me that I don't see more anger on this forum. Sorry, venting!

 

Sorry you had to go through that . I don't feel anger anymore because I'm exhausted. I just don't have enough energy for anger anymore.

 

I had an EA (long distance). The first time I ever went to meet with him...he paid for everything, my plane tickets, hotels etc.

 

Well, his W was working that day, but she was rushed to a hospital from work. It ended up being a false alarm but I'm almost 100% certain her body reacted and had symptoms because she sensed something was wrong. Later on when he confessed to the A, she said she knew it.

 

That fact alone is one of the reasons I never traveled to see him again.. even if still today he would do it all over again, pay for my trip and risk everything.

 

I couldn't understand him putting so much effort in having me there for a few days. I couldn't understand why he would jeopardize everything, pay all that money, do all that just for sex. I mean, he doesn't need some middle aged woman like myself for that. It was so confusing. Also, he didn't seem to care about his W's anguish at all. He just seemed annoyed. He kept saying how he doesn't feel any guilt and how it feels right (me and him).

 

The way he talks about her, I feel he loves her. Every little quirky or funny thing she says, makes him laugh. He talks about her in a way a person talks about someone they love. It's not intentional, he's not of course telling me, his mistress, how much he loves his W.

 

However, his mistress is very observant and I sense the love he has for her. That's another confusing thing. He loves her yet can put her through all that! It's so confusing. I will never understand it.

 

Anyway, I had some sense to end the A before anything more disastrous was going to go down. I had a gut feeling that was so strong that I just couldn't continue it. The aftermath has been hellish anyway. Our break up was a year ago and it just now seems I'm getting over it. By "over it" I mean that I have less and less anger, less and less feelings, basically no desire to break NC, I don't miss him, I definitely do not love him..

[wmacbride]

Sorry you had to go through that . I don't feel anger anymore because I'm exhausted. I just don't have enough energy for anger anymore.

 

I had an EA (long distance). The first time I ever went to meet with him...he paid for everything, my plane tickets, hotels etc.

 

Well, his W was working that day, but she was rushed to a hospital from work. It ended up being a false alarm but I'm almost 100% certain her body reacted and had symptoms because she sensed something was wrong. Later on when he confessed to the A, she said she knew it.

 

That fact alone is one of the reasons I never traveled to see him again.. even if still today he would do it all over again, pay for my trip and risk everything.

 

I couldn't understand him putting so much effort in having me there for a few days. I couldn't understand why he would jeopardize everything, pay all that money, do all that just for sex. I mean, he doesn't need some middle aged woman like myself for that. It was so confusing. Also, he didn't seem to care about his W's anguish at all. He just seemed annoyed. He kept saying how he doesn't feel any guilt and how it feels right (me and him).

 

The way he talks about her, I feel he loves her. Every little quirky or funny thing she says, makes him laugh. He talks about her in a way a person talks about someone they love. It's not intentional, he's not of course telling me, his mistress, how much he loves his W.

 

However, his mistress is very observant and I sense the love he has for her. That's another confusing thing. He loves her yet can put her through all that! It's so confusing. I will never understand it.

 

Anyway, I had some sense to end the A before anything more disastrous was going to go down. I had a gut feeling that was so strong that I just couldn't continue it. The aftermath has been hellish anyway. Our break up was a year ago and it just now seems I'm getting over it. By "over it" I mean that I have less and less anger, less and less feelings, basically no desire to break NC, I don't miss him, I definitely do not love him..

 

I'm not trying to be rude, but look at the way he has treated you, someone he says he cares about. Look at the way he treats his W, someone whom he also cares about.

 

There is something fundamentally flawed in a person when they feel they can show the person they say they love, or at least have feelings for, this amount of unkindness. How can this level of disrespect and feelings of love be so wrapped up in one another?

 

If this is how he chooses to treat those he cares about, I would question the validity and value of that care. Even if he does love someone, what good does it do if he is going to treat them in this way?

[Girlfromcali]

I'm not trying to be rude, but look at the way he has treated you, someone he says he cares about. Look at the way he treats his W, someone whom he also cares about.

 

There is something fundamentally flawed in a person when they feel they can show the person they say they love, or at least have feelings for, this amount of unkindness. How can this level of disrespect and feelings of love be so wrapped up in one another?

 

If this is how he chooses to treat those he cares about, I would question the validity and value of that care. Even if he does love someone, what good does it do if he is going to treat them in this way?

 

I understand what you're saying. Like I said I had this "gut feeling" that everything was terribly wrong. It was weird. You should always trust your instincts. I made excuses. Every single thing that happened, I made an excuse and thought to myself...well he is doing this because this and this happened.

 

It was always like this: I feel like someone punches me in the stomach. Then I recover, I start making excuses for him, he starts saying things that make me forget my instincts (now someone wrapping me in a warm blanket). So, constant..punch me in the stomach, wrap me in a warm blanket..never ending cycle.

[wmacbride]

I understand what you're saying. Like I said I had this "gut feeling" that everything was terribly wrong. It was weird. You should always trust your instincts. I made excuses. Every single thing that happened, I made an excuse and thought to myself...well he is doing this because this and this happened.

 

It was always like this: I feel like someone punches me in the stomach. Then I recover, I start making excuses for him, he starts saying things that make me forget my instincts (now someone wrapping me in a warm blanket). So, constant..punch me in the stomach, wrap me in a warm blanket..never ending cycle.

You likely are among good company, as lots of people get trapped in cycles like that. IWhat keeps you from being able to trust yourself and your instincts?

[HeCantBreakMe]

I understand what you're saying. Like I said I had this "gut feeling" that everything was terribly wrong. It was weird. You should always trust your instincts. I made excuses. Every single thing that happened, I made an excuse and thought to myself...well he is doing this because this and this happened.

 

It was always like this: I feel like someone punches me in the stomach. Then I recover, I start making excuses for him, he starts saying things that make me forget my instincts (now someone wrapping me in a warm blanket). So, constant..punch me in the stomach, wrap me in a warm blanket..never ending cycle.

 

My exMM used to say all the time and I quote "get out of your head you are in your head too much"

 

Makes my stomach hurt now just thinking about it.

[Girlfromcali]

You likely are among good company, as lots of people get trapped in cycles like that. IWhat keeps you from being able to trust yourself and your instincts?

 

 

I have to say I'm pretty happy I was able to end it as soon as I did. However, because he's far away from me, I'm able to observe him better. Had he been near me, wanting to see me every day..it would have been tough.

 

It's difficult because I want to feel wanted. The fact that he said he's never wanted anyone else as much in his life, the reason he's never cheated before was because he's never wanted anyone as much before..

 

I know I know... I know that NOW! I didn't know it back then. I had never had anyone say they wanted me that much before. I couldn't understand that. I thought there must be something "real" and "magical" about the relationship. I have learned now that it's what's called here affair fog. So, even though my instincts were right, I didn't know about the "fog". I wouldn't disregard that knowledge in the future.

 

So yeah, I think I do trust my instincts. It's just hard not to be in denial when you start feeling euphoric and happy, and all of a sudden life has meaning, you see colors, it's like you're awake from the death.

 

It's horrible to accept it's all fake when you feel it's all you have.

[Girlfromcali]

My exMM used to say all the time and I quote "get out of your head you are in your head too much"

 

Makes my stomach hurt now just thinking about it.

 

Yup yup..mine too. Well he said "you take everything too seriously"

[NewLeaf512]

I'm not trying to be rude, but look at the way he has treated you, someone he says he cares about. Look at the way he treats his W, someone whom he also cares about.

 

There is something fundamentally flawed in a person when they feel they can show the person they say they love, or at least have feelings for, this amount of unkindness. How can this level of disrespect and feelings of love be so wrapped up in one another?

 

If this is how he chooses to treat those he cares about, I would question the validity and value of that care. Even if he does love someone, what good does it do if he is going to treat them in this way?

 

 

Thanks wmac for your POV. can we try to keep it more on topic? I'm working through some stuff and the answers to my question are kind of important to me.

[wmacbride]

I have to say I'm pretty happy I was able to end it as soon as I did. However, because he's far away from me, I'm able to observe him better. Had he been near me, wanting to see me every day..it would have been tough.

 

It's difficult because I want to feel wanted. The fact that he said he's never wanted anyone else as much in his life, the reason he's never cheated before was because he's never wanted anyone as much before..

 

I know I know... I know that NOW! I didn't know it back then. I had never had anyone say they wanted me that much before. I couldn't understand that. I thought there must be something "real" and "magical" about the relationship. I have learned now that it's what's called here affair fog. So, even though my instincts were right, I didn't know about the "fog". I wouldn't disregard that knowledge in the future.

 

So yeah, I think I do trust my instincts. It's just hard not to be in denial when you start feeling euphoric and happy, and all of a sudden life has meaning, you see colors, it's like you're awake from the death.

 

It's horrible to accept it's all fake when you feel it's all you have.

Most everyone wants to feel wnated and to feel connected to someone else. I think that's part of human nature.

Edited June 3, 2016 by wmacbride

[Bittersweetie]

If your A ended (any reason) and you are NC, how long has it been and are you over AP?

 

Me: I don't count days anymore but it's coming up on a year NC. I think of him daily but no longer yearn. What I do have is a fear, inability and unwillingness to trust a man again. I work surrounded by men and I can factually say that most of them at least talk about other women sexually and many have A or I know 8 that have "arrangements" kept mistresses some of over a decade. The only real thing I know now is that I wasn't in love with a real person, just the fake fantasy person he created.

 

Hi Newleaf,

 

My situation may be slightly different as I'm married, hope that's okay. But my xOM ghosted me as well. Our relationship wasn't as long as yours but I was so obsessed with him in my mind that it felt like he had been in my head forever.

 

It did take a while for me to get him out of my head. Maybe a year? By then it was more about me still processing things that thinking my obsessive thoughts about him. As for getting over him...that was pretty soon after d-day. A few months. Because of what you said, I cared for a fake person, not the real person, as I projected everything I needed on xOM. I made him the perfect person even though he was far from it.

 

As for your work situation, are you moving forward? It sounds like the positives outweigh the negatives in this case.

 

An anecdotal story if that's okay...my best girlfriend in college "ghosted" me, ending our close friendship. This was 20+ years ago, before that term, but she literally one day stopped talking to me, acknowledging me, and somehow got our group of friends to do the same. I was 22 years old and it was so, so painful. It took me years to move forward from this...I didn't make new girlfriends because I was so afraid that I was the one that wasn't worth it. That I would be dumped again. That I do something that makes people do this to me.

 

In the time after d-day, I went back to look at this ghosting and my reaction to it. Because I didn't want to carry around that weight again with xOM's ghosting. I saw how much I lost and time I wasted carrying around the weight of the pain my best friend, my roommate, my "sister," caused me...because it was all on her, not me. I never found out why she did what she did and for years I thought and wondered.

 

Finally now I am at peace with what happened. I have a wonderful group of friends who are kind and make me laugh and are never cheap on paying the drinks bill like she was. I hope you can find some peace too, maybe not tomorrow but someday. You are such a strong and smart and kind person here on this site, I'd be honored to know you IRL.