Have we all learned lessons?

[Mr Blunt]

But for the BS--especially those many years out from discovery--what are the things you have learned, things you can control and have changed about yourself

1 I learned to put away my idealistic naive belief that my wife would always have my back

 

2 I have learned that building yourself up in body, mind, and spirit serves you well in R or D and enables you to do more for yourself and others.

 

3 I have learned that great pain can be the motivator for great gain

 

4 I have learned that forgiveness really does benefit you in the long run

 

5 I have learned that you can have a very good life even after becoming a BS

 

6 I have learned that even though my wife deeply hurt me, if I see her hurt, I will do everything in my power to help her.

 

7 I have learned that there is a positive power that is greater than betrayal

 

8 I have learned that healing takes many years not many months

[Darren Steez]

My xW was a serial cheater. She was the third woman to have put me through this kind of hell. I learned allot about myself. I learned that there are things I can change about me to help my future relationship. I also learned that I wont tolerate even shady behavior. I agree with Marc. Life is just to short to deal with someone that not only cares so little about you but themselves as well.

 

C

 

Question mate because I've been through cheating twice and once before it even began..long story, but I know the cheating is not our fault per say but did you find you were attracted to..or went after the same type of women?

 

It's only upon reflection that I found I attracted and was attracted to the broken type. Each relationship began or not too far into getting to know them, with them telling me their woe be me problems, me being a nice guy trying to fix said issues or being better than their ex.

 

What I learned? To the OP, your brother sounds like version 1.0 of me. No doubt he's not at fault for causing the cheating (or maybe he is, maybe he's seen the signs and because he's trying to be the knight in shining armor fails to put the hammer down choosing to overcome the issues by trying to nice her out). But history will keep repeating itself if you don't learn the lessons.

 

Even now I catch myself because I still attract the broken ones. It's natural but the difference is version 2.0 runs like his a** is on fire before it even starts.

[Phoenician]

GREAT THREAD !

 

-TO LEARN what we know what we know , and to learn what don't know what we don't know , that's the true knowledge.

 

-Never Ignore Red Alerts .

 

-Compatibility is not really to love the same things our partner loves ; it is accepting them as if they are yours.

 

-Marriage can't survive on Unconditional love ; it is like a garden that needs continuous maintenance.

 

-Givology is not a word , it is a world .

 

 

-If you don't leave toxic people , you become either Toxic or intoxicated.

 

-if you suppress your emotions , they will wakeup as a beat one day .

[Phoenician]

AND to live everyday like it is the last day of your life .

[wmacbride]

I almost forgot.

 

I learned a whole new vocabulary of four letters words, many of them in french - my husband's former ow was french canadian, and between all her emails, calls, and other irritation, I learned quite a bit about swearing in french.

[Arieswoman]

wmacbride,

 

^^^^ here's a good one - va te faire enculer par un ourse

[waterwoman]

wmacbride,

 

^^^^ here's a good one - va te faire enculer par un ourse

 

 

 

!!! 'Go and allow a bear to do something rude to you ??'

[understand50]

What I Learned?

 

I love her.

I can not, nor never could, trust her in all things.

Accepting that she is capable of doing intentional things that can and will hurt me, our marriage and family.

Marriage, takes hard work, and it never will stop.

Both must take positive action to "fix" things, and continue to keep things "fixed"

Both must own what they do in a marriage, and work to make things right, when they can.

There are many betrayals, and they can pile up until they will end your marriage, or you both address them.

I own my share of marriage issues, and need to do my part, even if her actions were "worse".

She "owns" hers, and must work on them as well.

Both of us, must want to continue our marriage for things to work.

 

For myself, I learned, I am stronger then I thought, but weaker in some areas.

I am also bull headed, and will work until all options are tried.

Forgiveness, remorse, and reconciliation takes more time then anyone will admit.

I will never forget, even when I try to, but accepting this allows me to move forward and forgive her.

 

 

In the end, I am willing to do all this, because I love her.

 

My two cents......

[Arieswoman]

waterwoman, post #32

 

!!! 'Go and allow a bear to do something rude to you ??'

 

Absolutely - sorry to hijack !