Infidelity - forgiveness - not something I ask for

[66Charger]

 

We (spouse and I) are working through it. The damage is undeniable, but as long as he lets me, I am willing to put in the work to make it right. So far, so good. We are discussing things that should have been talked about years ago, and in many ways this experience has brought us closer, and made our bond stronger.

 

You really appear to have made a "recent change"..

 

May you both forgive each other, and yourselves.

Edited May 24, 2016 by 66Charger

[Liam1]

I actually disagree with this advice. You both need to figure out WHY you chose affair to deal with pain. What happens the next time a crisis occurs? What pain coping mechanism will you reach for? Why affair? Why not alcohol? drugs? Why do you need validation from external sources?

If you don't figure this out you're rugsweeping. You both having done it doesn't make you even or solve anything. It just means more introspective work needs to be done.

 

An affair is not the worst thing that can happen in a marriage.

 

So what if it is a coping mechanism. So are tranquilizers and mood elevators prescribed by doctors. But they ARE still prescribed as a coping mechanism in the short term.

 

Reasons for an affair are complex and varied. Sometime any choice of a particular coping mechanism is justified and some times it is not.

 

Sometimes a temporary coping mechanism solves a problem. Sometimes it does not.

 

In this case, both already seem to understand the issues and are trying to move past them without turning it into a huge deal.

 

Perhaps it is everyone else who is making too big a deal out of it.

 

Here's the deal. He had an affair, then she had an affair. They are still together. No further explanation needed, IMO.

 

In my case, my affair saved my marriage. Yes, it was a coping mechanism for a lack of intimacy. So what? My wife is not making a big deal out of it. Neither am I. We are good.

Edited May 24, 2016 by Liam1

[Liam1]

You seem to be edging into esoteric philosophy territory here and I'm not real inclined toward that. I'm more practical.

 

I don't really accept your premise of debt - it's just a misdeed. I don't see the need to attach any random monetary assets or liabilities.

 

Agreed

 

Also, forgiveness is defined as a cancelling of a debt. No need to earn that cancellation. It is bestowed by the person doing the forgiving.

 

To forgive:

verb

verb: forgive; 3rd person present: forgives; past tense: forgave; gerund or present participle: forgiving; past participle: forgiven

 

To stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake.

"I don't think I'll ever forgive David for the way he treated her"

 

synonyms:make allowances for, feel no resentment toward, feel no malice toward, harbor no grudge against, bury the hatchet with;

let bygones be bygones;

informallet off (the hook);

formal

"she would not forgive him.

 

• stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone for (an offense, flaw, or mistake).
  "they are not going to pat my head and say all is forgiven"
  
• cancel (a debt).
  "he proposed that their debts should be forgiven"
  

[katielee]

An affair is not the worst thing that can happen in a marriage.

 

So what if it is a coping mechanism. So are tranquilizers and mood elevators prescribed by doctors. But they ARE still prescribed as a coping mechanism in the short term.

 

.

 

the coping mechanisms you are describing don't hurt other people.

I can assure you that my husband would have rather I took ADs than engage in an affair. He wouldn't be worried about trust, commitment and loyalty then.

AND - in YOUR opinion an affair is not the worst thing to happen to a marriage. I bet the majority would say it is.

[jen1447]

Agreed

 

Also, forgiveness is defined as a cancelling of a debt. No need to earn that cancellation. It is bestowed by the person doing the forgiving.

 

To forgive:

verb

verb: forgive; 3rd person present: forgives; past tense: forgave; gerund or present participle: forgiving; past participle: forgiven

 

To stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake.

"I don't think I'll ever forgive David for the way he treated her"

 

synonyms:make allowances for, feel no resentment toward, feel no malice toward, harbor no grudge against, bury the hatchet with;

let bygones be bygones;

informallet off (the hook);

formal

"she would not forgive him.

 

• stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone for (an offense, flaw, or mistake).
  "they are not going to pat my head and say all is forgiven"
  
• cancel (a debt).
  "he proposed that their debts should be forgiven"
  

 

I even think the cancelling of debt definition literally applies to financial matters specifically. It's a phrase used in contracts and settlements and things like that.

[NTV]

OP, I think that prior to truly forgiving or being forgiven, one must first define what that means. You can see just in the conversation here that there are many different points of view with many different interpretations. What it means, what it accomplishes, why one does it.

 

 

I think you should talk about this with your spouse as it may be you and he could have two very different ideas about what it means to forgive.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Agreed

 

Also, forgiveness is defined as a cancelling of a debt. No need to earn that cancellation. It is bestowed by the person doing the forgiving.

 

To forgive:

verb

verb: forgive; 3rd person present: forgives; past tense: forgave; gerund or present participle: forgiving; past participle: forgiven

 

To stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake.

"I don't think I'll ever forgive David for the way he treated her"

 

synonyms:make allowances for, feel no resentment toward, feel no malice toward, harbor no grudge against, bury the hatchet with;

let bygones be bygones;

informallet off (the hook);

formal

"she would not forgive him.

 

• stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone for (an offense, flaw, or mistake).
  "they are not going to pat my head and say all is forgiven"
  
• cancel (a debt).
  "he proposed that their debts should be forgiven"
  

 

 

What you posted is what forgiveness is....not the process on how one comes to forgive.

 

Forgiveness is not an object or thing. Forgiveness is a state of mind, a conclusion after processing all relevant actions/events/person/s/self/time...etc.

[Liam1]

I even think the cancelling of debt definition literally applies to financial matters specifically. It's a phrase used in contracts and settlements and things like that.

 

I agree totally.

 

The forgiveness spoken of here is an emotional concept.

 

It is not something that can be earned.

 

Also, there is no way to know what is going on with the emotions of another person.

 

Words do not and can not convey emotions. Only actions can.

[Liam1]

the coping mechanisms you are describing don't hurt other people.

I can assure you that my husband would have rather I took ADs than engage in an affair. He wouldn't be worried about trust, commitment and loyalty then.

AND - in YOUR opinion an affair is not the worst thing to happen to a marriage. I bet the majority would say it is.

 

Each case of infidelity is unique. I really can not assume what your husband would prefer.

 

I also do not know the state of your marriage. Or what behaviors your spouse engages in within your marriage. Only you know.

 

Sometimes infidelity is a defensible action, sometimes it MAY not be.

 

It is really of little consequence what the MAJORITY thinks. Each marriage is unique.

 

Everyone is different and reasons for infidelity are many and varied.

 

As far as forgiveness or the impact of infidelity on a marriage. That is only something the individuals involved can address. The majority of the populace is not involved in each individual marriage. Only the two married people.

 

A lot of things people do or say to their spouse are indefensible or cause hurt and pain, not just infidelity. Physical rejection is considered by divorce courts to be extreme emotional cruelty and constructive abandonment.

 

But that is up to each couple to cope with in the way they see fit. Not what the majority deems fit.

 

Some people say they would prefer a spouse had an affair to cope with an issue in the marriage rather than simply come home one day and hand them divorce papers.

 

My wife has stated many times that she is relieved that I did not file divorce for "constructive abandonment" due to lack of intimacy and instead chose to cope by having an affair.

 

That is the main reason our marriage survived the impact of no sex for ten years and my subsequent affair. We both realized our coping mechanisms for what they were.......coping mechanisms, nothing more or less.

 

Others say they would prefer the divorce to the affair. But until they are actually confronted with divorce papers, what they say is still conjecture.

 

See, everyone is different. Everyone's reasons for infidelity are different.

 

So getting back to Recent Changes issue and being that her SO cheated first. I really do not think that she did anything wrong, in choosing to cope by having a revenge affair.

 

Personally, if my wife had a revenge affair, it definitely would not cause me to end the relationship. My ego is not that delicate.

 

I also would not have the audacity to expect her to want me to forgive her.

[wmacbride]

Adding to the issue is that forgiveness can sometimes be fluid, and doesn't necessarily mean that when someone forgives, they will be able to stop thinking about whatever it might have been that hurt them.

 

Does forgiveness equate to saying " I will no longer raise the issue any more"?

 

I can only speak for myself, but when I offered forgiveness to my H I was doing so because I was in a mental and emotional place to offer it, and I hoped it would help him begin to move forward.

 

Turns out, while I may have been ready to forgive him, he was not yet ready to forgive himslef. That took a lot longer, and he had to go through a lot of mental processing ( for lack of a better term) of what it was that had allowed him to do what he did.

 

He wanted to, and needed to, be in a place where he felt he could offer an "I'm sorry" that came form a place where it wasn't just words, there were actions behind it.

[katielee]

but when you get on here, Liam and say that "An affair is not the worst thing to happen to a marriage," that is minimizing the pain of a lot of BS's here. And, it's minimizing what you did - you had an affair and blamed it on lack of sexual intimacy so it's ok. You're missing a huge opportunity to look at yourself and figure out WHY affair? Do you think what you did was actually honorable? Affairs aren't complex. Why is this thread full of that word? People get pissed and resentful and then act out like little babies (including myself in this) because things aren't going their way. But it's ok because marriage and the relationship is complex? Calling bull on this. It's basing your own actions on another's, or lack thereof. Do people really have that much power in your life that you can't control yourself but their actions do? That another person's actions cause you to abandon your own values? Think maybe that points to some work needing to be done?

Maybe in YOUR experience an affair is ok - although I hesitate to say that because you're a WS. You SAY you know what you'd do if your wife had a RA, but until you're there, I find it very condescending that you comment with things like this, considering you haven't been a BS.

[ShatteredLady]

I think it does offend a lot of the BS's here.

 

Maybe, gently, Liam, it's become part of your coping mechanism, part of the forgiveness for yourself?

 

A few short months ago you described your affair as the "biggest failing" of your life & that you were "ashamed of who you were" during your affair. You frequently spoke of the pain in your wife's eyes & how it effected you. You described the affair as "proving something to 'yourself".

 

I wonder what has changed.

 

You were one of the most sympathetic male WS I've read on forums.

 

I do get what you say about lack of sex contributing to the weakness in your marriage but your recent insistence & presentation of your past doesn't sit well. When you used to talk about learning in therapy that your wife needs romancing....

 

Oh I don't know. It's hard to watch your recent transformation but I will say (to everyone) that we know or can understand, the pain, guilt & the different things we say to ourselves to get through the utter devastation that is infidelity.

[Liam1]

but when you get on here, Liam and say that "An affair is not the worst thing to happen to a marriage," that is minimizing the pain of a lot of BS's here. And, it's minimizing what you did - you had an affair and blamed it on lack of sexual intimacy so it's ok. You're missing a huge opportunity to look at yourself and figure out WHY affair? Do you think what you did was actually honorable? Affairs aren't complex. Why is this thread full of that word? People get pissed and resentful and then act out like little babies (including myself in this) because things aren't going their way. But it's ok because marriage and the relationship is complex? Calling bull on this. It's basing your own actions on another's, or lack thereof. Do people really have that much power in your life that you can't control yourself but their actions do? That another person's actions cause you to abandon your own values? Think maybe that points to some work needing to be done?

 

Maybe in YOUR experience an affair is ok - although I hesitate to say that because you're a WS. You SAY you know what you'd do if your wife had a RA, but until you're there, I find it very condescending that you comment with things like this, considering you haven't been a BS.

 

Katie Lee:

 

You are taking the thread off topic. My post was not about you. And this thread is not about you or me.

 

The thread is addressing forgiveness. It is not about the morality of infidelity. If you want to moralize about infidelity, please start a separate thread.

Edited May 24, 2016 by Liam1

[66Charger]

This isn't your thread. Dont know where you get off telling anyone what and where to post.

[Moxie Lady]

Katie Lee:

 

You are taking the thread off topic. My post was not about you. And this thread is not about you or me.

 

The thread is addressing forgiveness. It is not about the morality of infidelity. If you want to moralize about infidelity, please start a separate thread.

 

You did this on my thread too Liam.

[dreamingoftigers]

I was just recently asked about forgiveness at my last counseling session.

 

There wasn't a particular reason for it, and we've been wrapping up over the last two sessions as the major family transition I've experienced for the last year has gone rather nicely. So I won't be back to see her for regular session again.

 

But I thought about it. And "have I forgiven?"

 

Meh. I don't know. I think for many things, forgiveness becomes this really worked-up thing where people kind of pressure you to "forgive and move on."

 

I think forgiveness is more of an acceptance and a moving on. And the depth of the hurt can take a long time to accept and process.

 

I have overall accepted what my husband did, the damage it has done to us, and his FOO issues. I've also accepted what he did after discovery, and subsequently the more positive steps he took to resolve his issues. And how he stopped outright crapping on our marriage and child. That took awhile.

 

I find it doesn't hang me up emotionally anymore very often or very much.

 

I think that's pretty much forgiveness.

[Neil711]

In another thread, another poster mentioned "How to Help Your Spouse Heal" by L. McDonald.

 

An interesting read - as a "wandering spouse" I feel I have made a lot of the right moves since D Day (no doubt facilitated by reading a bunch on LS before that day hit).

 

We (spouse and I) are working through it. The damage is undeniable, but as long as he lets me, I am willing to put in the work to make it right. So far, so good. We are discussing things that should have been talked about years ago, and in many ways this experience has brought us closer, and made our bond stronger.

 

That said - one thing that stands out for me is forgiveness. McDonald's booklet talks about when to ask for forgiveness - my spouse has stated that "he forgives me".

 

I know what I did was wrong. I am not seeking forgiveness, it's not something I would ask for. Somethings can't be forgiven - in my mind at least. I seek his healing, I seek perhaps his acceptance of me, but I do not expect forgiveness.

 

When he says that he forgives me - I tell him no, you can't, at least not this soon (it's been months, not years since D Day). That I recognize that he WANTS to forgive me, and perhaps in years he can - but for now - just let me try to make things right, and please, do not worry about forgiving me (I got a smile and a laugh out of him during an emotional talk - in which I told him, oh honey, it's too soon, give me, give me 6 years, and maybe then I can make it up to you so that you really can forgive me).

 

As I write this out - another angle has come to me. The role of forgiveness for the forgiver..... I suppose it's a head place he would rather be. For me, now at least, it's not one I seek nor think I deserve.

 

Thoughts? Forgiveness and its role in recovering from infidelity?

 

My guess is that when he says he forgives you he believes he does, but his emotions change constantly and radically. Those changes are beyond his control. So when he says he forgives you or trusts you at that moment he does. Those are likely times when the two of you are together and there is a feeling of closeness.

[understand50]

Forgiveness, like remorse is a personal point for each. We talk about giving and knowing true remorse, but I think that for each it would be different, but have parts that are the same for all. We have a good idea what true remorse is, but I think we would struggle to define it.

 

Forgiveness, is the same in that is will be a personal thing for each couple. One could argue, that giving a BS the gift of a second chance is forgiveness. Not bringing up what they did at every chance could be another. It, like remorse, is a many layered onion, many layers and meaning. Forgiveness is a ongoing process. It can run from, "I forgive you, do not hate you, but I cannot live with you, can not be married for you and am divorcing you" to "I forgive you, and will not hold your trespass against me, against you. We will try and stay together."

 

Forgiveness, does not mean forgetting, or trying not to remember, but, in my opinion, keeping the infidelity, in context, and in the past. This is assuming, that the BS is living the straight and narrow, and not engaging in cheating in the present. My G/F, now my wife, betrayed me. She also engaged in lying and spending "our" saving and retirement funds. Now, having decided to marry her, and then later reconcile, after the second issue, have I forgiven her? Yes partly, I have forgiven her enough to stay and work on "us". Will I ever really truly forgive her? May be. I still have anger for both things she did. Every once and while, I will think about my life in general, and these two things, are unpleasant. I do not let my anger effect, the here and now. I keep it in a box, and do not let it color my interactions with her. That is forgiveness for me. I am willing to let what she did go, and while I cannot forget what she did, I realize that I am after a good future with her. I could not do this if she was continuing to damage "us", or I was for that matter.

 

In the end, forgiveness that allows a couple to continue and reconcile, must have remorse from the other side. Forgiveness, like remorse, can not really be defined in a general sense, but must be felt by those in a relationship. They go together, and both must happen for a good reconciliation to proceed in a marriage.

 

My two cents.......

[katielee]

That was great understand! That's how I feel - I don't let what happened cloud our present.

[Liam1]

 

Forgiveness, is the same in that is will be a personal thing for each couple. One could argue, that giving a BS the gift of a second chance is forgiveness. Not bringing up what they did at every chance could be another.

 

 

I agree with this. Every couple is different and each person handles infidelity differently. I do not think there is a one size fits all model for this.

 

I think that what Recent Change needs to do is to find out what is really going on inside her SO's head.

 

He has talked about mind movies, but she needs to find out if the "mind movies" actually bother him.

 

She also needs to discuss what his picture of their future is together.

 

Some counselors will say the same. Some people are barely phased by an infidelity and their reaction might be "don't do it again" or "if you do it, keep it discreet"

 

It depends on the generation perhaps or the country the person grew up in.

 

My Ex fiance had an affair about a year before our wedding was planned to be celebrated, and while we were both still undergrads in California.

 

We worked past it. I forgave her and I meant it. I never brought it up again.

 

What I learned was that it really did not matter to me that she had sex with someone else.

 

To me it was just a friends with benefits situation. She had not had many relationships before becoming engaged and she wanted to experience sex with other people.

 

For me the infidelity was just a blip.

 

All that really mattered to me was whether or not she loved me and wanted to continue the relationship and have a future together.

 

When she eventually ended the relationship about six months down the road........... that is what devastated me. Not the infidelity.

 

She did not end the relationship to be with someone else or her FWB. ..She simply said she did not feel we were compatible.

 

The fact that she wanted to ended was what caused the damage to my heart not her affair.

 

Ending the relationship was a rejection. The affair was just a side bar to our relationship and it was not something that haunted me or that I feel the need to constantly bash her over the head with.

 

But as you state, every one is different. That is the key.

 

That is why, IMO, Recent Change can take these varied opinions under advisement, but she still needs to get a really good look at what is going on inside the head of her SO.

[NTV]

Recent change,

 

 

As a continuation of your original topic... you've seen a lot of the posters here talk about forgiveness, some in some very unusual ways, and I wanted to know what your personal definition of it is?

[Mrs. John Adams]

How does one "get inside" someone else's head? Is that even possible?

 

I cannot even get onside my own head...much less get into someone else's.

 

I can relate...I can be compassionate....I can have empathy...but do we ever really "know" what someone else is thinking deep inside?

We have been married 44 years...and I "know" my husband...I can read him...when he is sad...when he is angry...when he is happy....

 

But I confess...I am still left scratching my head at times...because I don't know his innermost thoughts...I don't know how he is "really" feeling...because I am not him...and we process very differently. I am a very emotionally driven person...he is very analytical. We approach things differently. We have a common goal...but how we get there is totally different.

 

I am quicker to forgive and seldom hold a grudge.....but I am also quicker to get upset and hurt. He is much slower to get angry...but once he does...he carries that anger for a long time.

 

When he forgives....it truly is a gift...because it takes him a long time to reach a place that he can forgive. Forgiveness is not lip service...he means it.

 

Fidelity is a really big deal to him....my virginity was extremely important....my loyalty, my love, my admiration.....were the foundation of our relationship. I was his special love...and my betrayal said to him...everything i have ever told you to make you feel special ...is a lie.

 

So the one person he trusted...just proved she was untrustworthy.

 

I sometimes wonder if because he was my first boyfriend...my first love....if infidelity in our case was more difficult to overcome. I wonder if those who had other loves, other sexual partners.....can disregard the sex more easily. I understand that betrayal is betrayal...but in some cases some people seem to have an attitude of sex is sex....so it is no big deal. I understand we are all different...but in our case...having sex with another man....was a tremendously big deal....and one that has taken a very long time to forgive.

 

So I do not take that forgiveness for granted...this gift he has given me...is one i treasure....because i know how hard it was for him to give it to me.

[RecentChange]

Recent change,

 

As a continuation of your original topic... you've seen a lot of the posters here talk about forgiveness, some in some very unusual ways, and I wanted to know what your personal definition of it is?

 

I am still mulling that over - I don't have the answer.

 

Yesterday was a heavy day... Lots of talking about this, which is certainly preferable to rug sweeping.

 

I think his forgiveness is him saying that he understands. That he doesn't want to blame me.

 

For instance - from yesterday - a "trigger" caused him to send me a text, and this followed:

 

Him - Anxiety gets the best of me

Me- Its my fault

I wish I could look you in the eye and reassure you

You don't deserve to feel this way

Him - No. Its our fault. We will be okay.

 

There was a bunch more back and forth, and of course I rushed to him as soon as I could get home from work. We held each other tight and had a positive evening. Talked about hard things but in a good way.

 

Mrs. John Adams

 

I have avoided answering your questions directly, because, well, we might as well be from different planets when it comes to our sexualities and I don't mean that as an insult, but we are very very different. And I think we would have a hard time wrapping our minds around our divergent perspectives.

 

For us (partner and I) - "THIS" isn't so much about sex with another person, a lot more about breaking trust.

 

I joke how meeting my spouse was a one night stand that turned into years of monogamy. I am a very sexual person, and back then at least, I was very open. He knew I had more than one FWB at the time we met, and had zero interest in settling down. I was not a chaise virgin, and he has said that he "always worried that he was a little too prude for me". Sex with others isn't the big issue, he has even suggested being open to that possibility - I rather the dust settle, and then revisit where we are. I could "keep it in my pants" for 15 years prior, I am seeing many positive changes in our relationship, so I rather just focus on that.

[wmacbride]

I am still mulling that over - I don't have the answer.

 

Yesterday was a heavy day... Lots of talking about this, which is certainly preferable to rug sweeping.

 

I think his forgiveness is him saying that he understands. That he doesn't want to blame me.

 

For instance - from yesterday - a "trigger" caused him to send me a text, and this followed:

 

Him - Anxiety gets the best of me

Me- Its my fault

I wish I could look you in the eye and reassure you

You don't deserve to feel this way

Him - No. Its our fault. We will be okay.

 

There was a bunch more back and forth, and of course I rushed to him as soon as I could get home from work. We held each other tight and had a positive evening. Talked about hard things but in a good way.

 

Mrs. John Adams

 

I have avoided answering your questions directly, because, well, we might as well be from different planets when it comes to our sexualities and I don't mean that as an insult, but we are very very different. And I think we would have a hard time wrapping our minds around our divergent perspectives.

 

For us (partner and I) - "THIS" isn't so much about sex with another person, a lot more about breaking trust.

 

I joke how meeting my spouse was a one night stand that turned into years of monogamy. I am a very sexual person, and back then at least, I was very open. He knew I had more than one FWB at the time we met, and had zero interest in settling down. I was not a chaise virgin, and he has said that he "always worried that he was a little too prude for me". Sex with others isn't the big issue, he has even suggested being open to that possibility - I rather the dust settle, and then revisit where we are. I could "keep it in my pants" for 15 years prior, I am seeing many positive changes in our relationship, so I rather just focus on that.

 

Do you ever find yourself feeling like your H may be holding back emotionally as a defense mechanism to keep himself from being hurt again?

 

I have read and heard many times of bs who do this, and admit I have done it myself sometimes.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I am still mulling that over - I don't have the answer.

 

Yesterday was a heavy day... Lots of talking about this, which is certainly preferable to rug sweeping.

 

I think his forgiveness is him saying that he understands. That he doesn't want to blame me.

 

For instance - from yesterday - a "trigger" caused him to send me a text, and this followed:

 

Him - Anxiety gets the best of me

Me- Its my fault

I wish I could look you in the eye and reassure you

You don't deserve to feel this way

Him - No. Its our fault. We will be okay.

 

There was a bunch more back and forth, and of course I rushed to him as soon as I could get home from work. We held each other tight and had a positive evening. Talked about hard things but in a good way.

 

Mrs. John Adams

 

I have avoided answering your questions directly, because, well, we might as well be from different planets when it comes to our sexualities and I don't mean that as an insult, but we are very very different. And I think we would have a hard time wrapping our minds around our divergent perspectives.

 

For us (partner and I) - "THIS" isn't so much about sex with another person, a lot more about breaking trust.

 

I joke how meeting my spouse was a one night stand that turned into years of monogamy. I am a very sexual person, and back then at least, I was very open. He knew I had more than one FWB at the time we met, and had zero interest in settling down. I was not a chaise virgin, and he has said that he "always worried that he was a little too prude for me". Sex with others isn't the big issue, he has even suggested being open to that possibility - I rather the dust settle, and then revisit where we are. I could "keep it in my pants" for 15 years prior, I am seeing many positive changes in our relationship, so I rather just focus on that.

 

I respect and understand where you are coming from.....and while we are very different....pain is pain.

 

While in my case...I was the first to cheat....then John had a response affair....and in your case your partner cheated first ...then you.....

we still come to the same spot don't we?

 

Trying to recover from one affair is hard enough...two...damn near impossible.

 

What it does do is open our hearts to others ...especially the one we hurt...because we understand how it feels.

 

You can look at your husband...and know at least some of the struggles he is feeling because he made you feel the same way...and vice versa.

 

I will share with you this....and take it with a grain of salt.....I have found it has been much easier for me to concentrate on my OWN affair...my OWN mindset....My OWN flaws....then to concentrate on HIS.

 

what I mean by that is....I have worked on understanding what I have done instead of what he did....and because I have approached it this way...I find I can understand why he did what he did and put it into a healthy perspective...instead of dwelling on it and feeling sorry for myself. MY approach may not be the best....and it may not work for everyone....but it has worked for us...and we do have 33 years of reconciliation behind us.

 

Regardless....i do wish you the best. I do believe you both want your relationship to work. That is 99% of the battle. Knowing you both want the same goal makes it easier to work together.