Honest thoughts needed: Red flags or not?

[Fruitee]

Yeah you guys are right. I need to ditch him. I guess I knew it already. So needed some validiation.

 

But I do not think his behaviour would got worse e.g. violent. I think he is just covering his insecurities and what not by his behaviour. Of course it is not right and he shouldnt be acting like that. Maybe during time he will change but to protect myself I shouldnt wait around to see if it really will happen.

 

I need to do lot of stuff in my own life. I guess I got what I needed from him.

[Fruitee]

I have now done it. I decided just to text him.

[preraph]

Yeah you guys are right. I need to ditch him. I guess I knew it already. So needed some validiation.

 

But I do not think his behaviour would got worse e.g. violent. I think he is just covering his insecurities and what not by his behaviour. Of course it is not right and he shouldnt be acting like that. Maybe during time he will change but to protect myself I shouldnt wait around to see if it really will happen.

 

I need to do lot of stuff in my own life. I guess I got what I needed from him.

 

I think you're doing the right thing. Listen, you can't predict whether someone will become violent, but his attitude is already abusive, so he's a high risk for it. A friend of mine married a younger guy she dated for a couple of years first. I was her roommate, so I was around him. I knew he was unethical and not to be trusted because I caught him pilfering, but I saw or heard nothing to make me think he would be violent. I'd never heard him and her have a fight or anything. He had joined the Navy and they married right away and she moved to be with him on the east coast at the base. No sooner had she gotten there than he began hitting her. He waited until he had her isolated from all her friends and family and she had no support system and then he started trying to control her and began hitting. She called me in the middle of the night and I told her to get in her car and drive home, and she did. Then he returned and stalked her and broke into her apartment where she got a job 40 miles from where I lived. Eventually, he was put in Naval prison and they diagnosed him as a sociopath. I didn't see that coming at all, and I'm pretty good with this stuff.

 

You can't tell. But if someone has the right mix, they're a high risk. And if it's happened to you before, you are a high risk because these guys can sniff you out just like a cheetah can hone in on an antelope.

 

You be careful now you've done it. Keep the doors and windows locked, and if possible don't be alone in the house or on the way to the car or to and from work just in case this triggers him.

[Fruitee]

^ Well with some people you can know if they become violent. Like with my ex. I knew it. But still when it happened it took me by surprise. It is small things they do. Whether someone is present or not. Even with your friend that guy probably did things that she couldnt just figure out before it was too late.

 

Anyway. He lives in another country so if this triggers him or not. There isnt much he could do. Also Im not afraid anymore. I have been through so much that I am not afraid of the pain e.g. someone hitting me anymore.

 

I really like this guy and I feel like shyt to be honest. But I also know I have had doubts in my mind for a long time. I need to protect myself. Even right now I feel like I am more of protecting myself from heart break. But then again maybe I am not yet even strong enough to sustain such thing.

 

I have friends who have known him for years and even they say that they dont know or understand why he acts like that.

[elaine567]

You can't tell. But if someone has the right mix, they're a high risk. And if it's happened to you before, you are a high risk because these guys can sniff you out just like a cheetah can hone in on an antelope.

 

 

Yes.

You tolerate stuff that other people would not tolerate.

[Fruitee]

^ Thats not exactly true. I dont tolerate stuff from everyone. Just from guys I fall for.

[preraph]

^ Thats not exactly true. I dont tolerate stuff from everyone. Just from guys I fall for.

 

Right. But that's how they know they can keep going with worse behavior. The thing here is that you had been tolerating him talking abusively to you with the "duck" and "piss off." Now, see a whole lot of women would have walked out and stayed out the minute he said something that disrespectful. You let the dichotomy of his words and actions (sometimes he's nice) make you think he didn't really mean it or that you'd change him or he'd change. Abusers are nearly always nice part of the time. Sometimes it's genuine or sometimes it's just part of their con. You can't wait for someone to seem to be unredeemably evil to reject them. You have to set boundaries at the small things that signal disrespect or mental instability.

 

Once I went to the gas station with a friend of mine and her live-in boyfriend. She got out to fill up the car with gas while he sat there and called her stupid and criticized her for how she was going about it. She blew it off thinking it was too small a thing to make an issue of. But that's just it -- HE made an issue of it because he wanted to criticize her for no reason other than his own enjoyment.

[Fruitee]

^ I know. What I meant is I have boundaries and what not. But some guys just seem to get to me. You have no clue how many guys I have dropped because they have done one thing wrong. And some guys creep back to see if I have changed my mind and I tell them no. But then there are certain types of guys that just seem to get away with it until they dont. Honestly I dont know if Id still be with my ex if he hadnt left. I guess it is also the fact that these jerk type of guys dont seem to care if I act betchy or jaded or bit nuts. They stay around and so the circle goes on because when they stay around I dont evolve and get to healthy state of mind and be able to meet someone actually good for me. Im so tired of dating..

[Fruitee]

One correction tho. This guy is like 90 % time nice and cool. And then he says something stupid again.

[preraph]

Try to remember that because he is pursuing a woman, he is showing you his BEST side. A year from now, lord only knows what he will act like if things progress. My friend's guy she married acted nice for two whole years. You are only seeing the tip of the iceberg. He has issues. You don't act like that unless there's something bubbling underneath.

[Fruitee]

That is true and his reaction told me enough.. Well its a new day and I dont feel that shyt anymore because of what he wrote to me. More like glad I dodged this bullet.

[preraph]

How bad did he get? I'm sorry. I know you're bound to be shaken up. Just watch your back for awhile in case he gets drunk and comes pounding on your door. Don't answer.

[MissBee]

If you're dating someone and have a laundry list of concerns you're taking to a forum, 9/10 times it means it's not going well, for good reason, and you're either trying to look for reassurance that you should ignore the signs and continue on or confirmation that your should abort mission.

 

In my experience, with all my boyfriends where the relationship turned out well and lasted for a time, I didn't have 10 paragraphs of concerns or questions about them. It's also odd to name ALL your concerns then say you're content in the same breath. When you're content and there are no, or very minor, causes for concern, it doesn't even make it to the level of needing a thread. That's been my experience. I have done the whole "I'm not sure about this, here are all the reasons I'm not sure...but he's so nice, I think I should date him" thing and inevitably ALL those concerns came back to bite me in the butt. With my good relationships, I never felt the need to be overly worried and didn't have a ton of flags or concerns, and things just flowed well.

 

Learning to trust yourself more is a very valuable skill as so much can be avoided if we just listen to the first time, even if it's not what we want to hear. I know it's hard believe me, but much better than investing emotions and time in a dud and kicking yourself later saying "I should have known..."

[Fruitee]

^Yeah that is correct.

 

Also small update.

 

So we continued talking every now and then as a friends. I didn't call him for 2 weeks and spent like 1 week not texting to him. He had some problems which I gave some support for him when he reached out.

 

I went out on two dates and actually liked the other guy. But this dude kept burning on back of my head and I kind of knew that I would need to do something about it.

 

So I picked up the phone and called him up. Just to catch up. We chatted again and spoke on the phone for couple of times. Until he asked me if I still want to visit him. And I said sure (not sure why). But then yesterday he told me about some family event which would be at the same time he asked me to visit. And said that I probably wouldn't be able to go there because of his ex. At that moment I really felt like his side chick. And later on texted him that I will now remove myself totally from this situation.

 

So I think my analysis of his ex not really being his ex was true.