Honest thoughts needed: Red flags or not?

[truth_seeker]

I think you should trust your gut.

 

Excellent advice. Always go with your gut.

[Fruitee]

Uneasiness is not because I dont see him often. It is fine for me not to see him often.

 

I feel happy and content with my life. I dont have need for regular dating and bf now. But I do like idea of the possibility.

 

My uneasiness comes because of my gut feeling. Other than saying stupid stuff he hasnt given me any doubts. But also I wonder if I am too sensitive with my gut and too much analysing with this dude because of my past.

[Fruitee]

I think that saying about him needing to have upper hand is good. Like I need to like him more than he likes me other wise he needs out of control because of his complicated past. But he has no problem pursuing me. So I think his jerkness comes from him not being able to handle his emotions. E.g. when I said he more than likes me instead of admitting it he says duck off.

[Arieswoman]

Fruitee #17

 

But then he ends the phone call by saying now piss off.

 

No way. Absolutely no way.

 

As Zahara points out;

 

As for calling his ex crazy -- after the things you've noted about him, I have to wonder who was the real "crazy" in the relationship.

 

Hmmmm, yes, seems there are a lot of mirrors in his life

 

Time to start painting the lifeboats, methinks...

 

Post #28

 

I think that saying about him needing to have upper hand is good. Like I need to like him more than he likes me other wise he needs out of control because of his complicated past. But he has no problem pursuing me. So I think his jerkness comes from him not being able to handle his emotions. E.g. when I said he more than likes me instead of admitting it he says duck off.

 

Stop making excuses for his bad behaviour. Please stop it now.

 

Do you really want a guy who you admit is a jerk and is out of touch with his emotions? Really?

Edited May 13, 2016 by Arieswoman

[Fruitee]

I am not making excuses. I am analysing. Because I want to understand his behaviour.

[Arieswoman]

Fruitee,

 

I am analysing. Because I want to understand his behaviour.

 

Why?

 

Why waste mental energy on this?

 

The guy is a jerk, end of story.

 

No matter what the reason is, you don't deserve this disrespectful behaviour.

[Fruitee]

About his ex being crazy or him being crazy. I think she has been very much in love and he not meeting her needs because of him being out of touch with himself.

 

I dont wanna stick around to see if he is able to fix himself but on the other hand I do believe that if someone is willing to change they can do it.

 

I think he has very strong and high defenses.

[Fruitee]

Fruitee,

 

 

 

Why?

 

Why waste mental energy on this?

 

The guy is a jerk, end of story.

 

No matter what the reason is, you don't deserve this disrespectful behaviour.

 

Because thats what I do. I am not pondering about him 24/7. But I do like to analyse people and situations and so on. I like to people watch and help others.

 

Even if he is jerk it has nothing to do with my worth or nothing to do with me. He is not putting me down. I am fine.

[Arieswoman]

Fruitee, you said

 

Even if he is jerk it has nothing to do with my worth or nothing to do with me. He is not putting me down. I am fine.

 

Then why are you here asking about "red flags"?

[Fruitee]

Fruitee, you said

 

Then why are you here asking about "red flags"?

 

Because I wanted other peoples takes on his behaviour and if others thought the same as I did or to get some insight why he would be acting this way. Which I have gotten.

[Arieswoman]

Fruitee,

 

to get some insight why he would be acting this way

 

I doubt if anyone here can give you this unless they are qualified in Psychology. And even if they, did I doubt if it would help you.

 

You accept he's displaying jerky behaviour, so you either;-

 

accept it and do nothing - which tells him that it's OK to disrespect you

walk - solves the problem IMO

 

or tell him that you don't like it and ask him to stop - then you'll have to decide what to do if he doesn't.

 

Really it's your decision.

[Fruitee]

I think this discussion has helped me. Because I have habit of wondering stuff too much inside my head and going crazy by doing so.

 

I think I will bit friend zone him and also tell him that I do not accept his behaviour which I have done so far and he has dropped some of his act. So I guess only time will tell.

 

Even if I dont end up in relationship with him I do wanna stay in touch with him in some level as buddies or something. Because he has also helped me understand many things.

 

For example how bitter and jaded I had become. How I though sex was kind of violent act and I wasnt able to relax if someone was being gentle and nice. That pretty people shouldnt make me feel uneasy and nervous because I am pretty myself. That there are good guys out there. He has helped me to come out of my comfort zone and realize not everything is about me. And how I need to give too, not just take. How I have been emotionally draining my friends by only talking about myself and not listening others at all. And so on.

[Blanco]

Some people come into our lives to teach us something about ourselves or life. After that, some of those people aren't meant to remain fixtures in our life. It's important to develop the ability to decipher when you encounter such a person so you know it's perfectly OK to let them go and fade away.

[Fruitee]

Might be that we are both using each other as stepping stones.

[Zahara]

I am not making excuses. I am analysing. Because I want to understand his behaviour.

 

Best to analyze your own behavior. Your last relationship was emotionally and mentally abusive. Don't make the same mistakes. What you should be doing is digging into is why you sit back and accept a man telling you so easily to piss off and duck off -- trust me there's going to be more to that silent aggression simmering inside him. You've noted several red flags about him. A valuable lesson I've learned -- your instincts are usually right.

 

If just after 3 meets and online talking you're already hoping and desiring that he change, it would be in your best interest to walk away. Another red flag.

[Fruitee]

^ I am analyzing my own behaviour as well. I have been to therapy and I am journalling and so on. I know why I am not walking away and why I am accepting this behaviour. Because I am not mentally ready for "real" dating experience but it is also nice to have someone to talk to and dream about and so on. Which is something I know I should be working on alone. Just to be alone. I am not hoping him to change change. But I am pondering what really lies behind his words e.g. jerkness or insecurities or commitment issues and by changing I mean e.g. coming over insecurities.

[Zahara]

^ I am analyzing my own behaviour as well. I have been to therapy and I am journalling and so on. I know why I am not walking away and why I am accepting this behaviour. Because I am not mentally ready for "real" dating experience but it is also nice to have someone to talk to and dream about and so on. Which is something I know I should be working on alone. Just to be alone. I am not hoping him to change change. But I am pondering what really lies behind his words e.g. jerkness or insecurities or commitment issues and by changing I mean e.g. coming over insecurities.

 

Fruitee, when you are on a journey of healing and development, especially after exiting a relationship that was emotionally and mentally abusive, the last thing you do is attach yourself to another situation that has someone disrespecting you and questioning your judgement.

 

The objective here is to find independence, not dependence. Seek people that are healthy minded to engage with if you desire change in your life. Not romantic entanglements. You don't seek men that speak to you disrespectfully, men that have you emotionally invested -- that would just be you reverting to your old ways because you still place dependence on someone, anyone filling the void in your life. And in this case, still accepting bad behavior and making excuses. I am sure you had the same pattern in your old relationship -- trying to analyze, therefore justifying your need to remain in a bad situation.

 

Usually, when you are so focused on someone else's issues, it's a sign that you're avoidant of your own shortcomings. Best to focus on changing and analysing someone else -- it's much easier focusing outward than inward.

 

Change. Phooey. It's never a guarantee. It takes years of hard work, self-reflection and deep awareness to achieve change.

 

If anyone needs to figure insecurities, it's you. Your past and this situation is indicative of where your sense of self is currently residing.

Edited May 13, 2016 by Zahara

[Fruitee]

^ In my previous relationship situation was totally different. I couldnt leave even if I wanted to.

 

But yes. You are correct.

 

Its just so tiring to be focusing on myself all the time and blah blah. I wanna do other stuff too than just focus on myself. I know there are plenty of options and things to do. Not just dating.

 

Also I am not saying what he is doing is right or even coming up with excuses. Also I have spoken to him about it. And told him e.g that with behaviour like that I cannot consider him as potential bf.

[Zahara]

^ In my previous relationship situation was totally different. I couldnt leave even if I wanted to.

 

Regardless, after that situation, you should be smart enough to exit when you see a situation that isn't sounding right or is causing you to question your judgment.

 

Its just so tiring to be focusing on myself all the time and blah blah. I wanna do other stuff too than just focus on myself. I know there are plenty of options and things to do. Not just dating.

 

I think you make excuse after excuse to justify your choices. The best relationship you can ever foster is the one with yourself. Just because you are tired of focusing on yourself, you engage with a man that disrespects you? You allow a man to speak harshly to you? You turn a blind eye in the guise of analyzing when it comes to the red flags? That's the alternative? You want to do other stuff -- go travel, take up a hobby, learn a language, go volunteer for the less fortunate, enroll in meetups and meet healthy minded people, start getting into a strict exercise routine, etc. So many things you can do for yourself versus investing your life and time in a bad situation.

 

Also I am not saying what he is doing is right or even coming up with excuses. Also I have spoken to him about it. And told him e.g that with behaviour like that I cannot consider him as potential bf.

 

3 meets and online chatting and you're already checking his behavior. This is not reminding someone about putting the toilet seat down. These are ingrained behaviors that likely do not change.

 

You asked for advice. You received it. These are all red flags. If you choose to engage, then accept him for what he is because he's not changing. If you are TRUE to wanting to implement positive change in your life, especially after your past, then take this as a lesson and move on. A lesson that when you start to see red flags, you exit. You don't sit there and hope for change, ask for change, wait for change. You exit.

Edited May 13, 2016 by Zahara

[Fruitee]

^ But I am not guestioning my judgement. I know who I am and what I think about things. Also I dont have this feeling him disrespecting me. I do know how it feels when someone makes me question my sanity or decisions or choices. I know how it feels when someone doesnt respect me or is wasting my time.

 

I am not saying it is ok how he speaks to me sometimes. But it dont make me feel bad either. Many people have made me feel bad with their words.

 

Yeah I am letting him talk to me in certain way because I didnt walk away after the 1st time. That is true.

 

Also I am already doing so much stuff. I dont know what else I could be doing. I have work and school and hobbies and social events and what not.

 

But yes. You are right. I am making excuses and covering up his behaviour because I like him for many reasons. He is cute and funny and all kinds of things.

 

I guess I just needed someone to really say it out loud to me. This whole situation. Thanks. I really do appreciate it.

[Zahara]

^ But I am not guestioning my judgement. I know who I am and what I think about things. Also I dont have this feeling him disrespecting me. I do know how it feels when someone makes me question my sanity or decisions or choices. I know how it feels when someone doesnt respect me or is wasting my time.

 

If you have to come on LS and ask strangers for honest opinions when clearly a man telling you to piss off and duck off are huge red flags -- then you don't trust your own judgment OR you have very poor boundaries.

 

I am not saying it is ok how he speaks to me sometimes. But it dont make me feel bad either. Many people have made me feel bad with their words.

 

Any woman with a healthy amount of self-respect will not tolerate it. Why it doesn't make you feel bad that someone speaks to you that way is something you need to figure out.

 

Also I am already doing so much stuff. I dont know what else I could be doing. I have work and school and hobbies and social events and what not.

 

What you could be doing is staying out/away from unhealthy situations. Only January you were posting about your ex. And in 4 months you're back on here questioning about another jerky guy.

 

It does not justify attaching yourself to someone that isn't healthy for you just because you're "bored of focusing on yourself" or because you can't find anything else to do with yourself. It's not because you're bored -- it has nothing to do with that. Another excuse. You like him and you want to stay with him. Period. Be honest.

 

It would be better for you to be counting sand then investing your time in a guy that sounds like bad news.

Edited May 13, 2016 by Zahara

[Fruitee]

^ I am not sure which post you refer to by January post. But anyway. I dont think my original problem was knowing if his words are red flags or not.

 

In my opinion I am now much better off than previously when I got sad or angry when ever someone said something to me that wasnt all praises. I used to think too much what other people think about me and their words had too much power over me. Now I just dont care. Say or do whatever. It has nothing to do with me. Like this one woman at work always sends me ahole emails and I used to feel so bad about it. Now I just ignore and it doesnt touch me anymore. Imho it is much better this way.

 

So yeah women with healthy boundaries dont let guys who they are dating talk to them in rude way because they would walk away. But should they feel bad about it? Imho no. Those words shouldnt hurt those women.

 

I believe I already said that I like him? I am not with him because I am bored or have nothing else to do. What I meant by that was that yes I know I should focus "only" on myself but it also gets tiring. Cant be looking inside too much. Like I wrote before it also turned out bad for me to be too focused on myself.

[preraph]

I think that saying about him needing to have upper hand is good. Like I need to like him more than he likes me other wise he needs out of control because of his complicated past. But he has no problem pursuing me. So I think his jerkness comes from him not being able to handle his emotions. E.g. when I said he more than likes me instead of admitting it he says duck off.

 

Guys who are that pride-driven are always flying into rages. I think you have a problem with this guy. We all have things that drive how we are. They are not excuses for allowing ourselves to keep lashing out and acting out without doing anything about it as adults. He is feeding his ego by trying to manufacture that you like him more than he does you. Guys feeding their ego are also extremely prone to needing outside validation, as in the case of Tiger Woods, the serial cheater. They feed off someone telling them they ARE something because they have some bad self-esteem somewhere down in there. And those type guys can be all kinds of trouble and be volatile. For some reason, this is reminding me of a guy I knew a long time ago who would beat a woman up if HE couldn't get it up during sex. The rest of the time, his whole focus was trying to be good looking and get women to compliment him. That's an extreme example, but it shows what low self-esteem coupled with anger can result in.

[Zahara]

^ I am not sure which post you refer to by January post. But anyway. I dont think my original problem was knowing if his words are red flags or not.

 

I apologize, I got the months wrong. You ended with your ex this past October but it finally ended after you last slept with him in December. It hasn't been long since then and you're already in another situation with a jerky guy.

 

So yeah women with healthy boundaries dont let guys who they are dating talk to them in rude way because they would walk away. But should they feel bad about it? Imho no. Those words shouldnt hurt those women.

 

You're not getting it. Just because it doesn't hurt you, it doesn't mean you should tolerate or accept it.

 

Cant be looking inside too much. Like I wrote before it also turned out bad for me to be too focused on myself.

 

I'm not sure what else to say to you, Fruitee. You have a comeback/justifications for everything anyone says. You have invested 4 months, which is nothing when it comes to healing, especially after an abusive relationship. If 4 months of investment in yourself has gotten you tired, then I'm lost for words. Again, just because you are tired of focusing on yourself, does not justify attaching yourself to an unhealthy man.

 

I hope you find your way. Sometimes you either have to learn the hard way or the smart way.

 

Good luck.

Edited May 13, 2016 by Zahara

[Blanco]

It's not because you're bored -- it has nothing to do with that. Another excuse. You like him and you want to stay with him. Period.

 

This is really all that needs to be said at this point.

 

OP, you posed a question and got a near-unanimous response: Yes, these are red flags.

 

You're making it sound like you're somewhat detached or will be able to play it cool with this guy just to see where it goes, even though many people here are telling you that this guy is potential trouble.

 

Your most recent relationship is proof that you can't and shouldn't trust your ability to actually be detached enough to remove yourself from this situation should it get worse. The more likely result seems to already be in play: Finding reasons not to cut ties with this guy regardless of what facts seem to be in your face that ditching him would be in your best interest.