Woman rejected me because I am white.

[jen1447]

Geez! It amazes me how many here can be so judgmental of this woman, given the bit that the OP has posted. I mean saying that, "She's an idiot and piece of trash, in my honest opinion", or saying that, "this woman sounds so low-value"! Unbelievable!

 

Yes, this "low value" stuff is subjective nonsense. Even if you could view someone as a commodity to begin with, there's no way we can know anything meaningful about this woman's 'value' in the few paragraphs OP's shared about her here.

[whichwayisup]

It just very possible she's not attracted sexually to white men. That's not racist, it's just who she is and her taste in men.

 

Sorry it hurt that she rejected you, but ask yourself this. Let's say you two got involved, are you truly ready to take on the roll of step father to her children? You say you'd adopt her children, but are the fathers involved at all? If so, you wouldn't be able to adopt them as your own.

 

Also she may not be interested in dating someone she works with.

Edited May 9, 2016 by whichwayisup

[TaraMaiden2]

Well thanks to everyone. In such a short period I feel helped out a lot. It was great to be able to share this.

 

@Tara I also thought about those 3 points you just mentioned. She did not offer an explanation she just said no. I should have walked away then but I asked if it was the age difference and she said no it's not then further explained probably uncomfortable from the hurt expression on my face.

I am ignoring all comments above, particularly those which I deem both ignorant and insulting regarding 'low values' and 'trash'.

She explained to you what she didn't think dating you was a good idea. And I'm sure she has her reasons.

 

Yeah 3 kids total. 1 from the first man who the child is now 19 years old and other 2 are 12 and 14

She has a ready-made family. And you are barely 6 years older than her oldest child. I honestly think age is probably a factor, too...

but I could have dealt with that, adoption has been a possibility.

Pardon me, but it's utterly ludicrous to even think in such terms and on such a level, as to discuss adoption even before you've hit first base! Which, you haven't, because it's a no-go! Adoption? Really? You obviously have no idea of just how complex the whole matter would be.

And you really also need to think about it from the children's PoV.... would they even want that??

 

Totally agree about the color of being off from white dad to Hispanic mother to black children, I saw pictures they do look black.

Yeah, exactly. Now perhaps, you'll see how impulsive and untimely all this talk of 'adoption' actually is.

 

Thanks still.

 

Suprised though that there hasn't been anyone to encourage me forward.

It's because we see there's no good to come out of it.

Recap:

• She has said No.
  
• She said, NO, because her children have black fathers.
  
• She has a ready made family, with an eldest child a little younger than you.
  
• The notion of adoption is ridiculous, in that you obviously haven't thought it through, at all.
  
• She said NO.
  
• You never date in the workplace, ever.
  
• She said NO.
  

 

Probably Definitelyfor the best though.

Fixed that for you.

 

I am just hurt right now and I am usually super confidant.

Then you're not 'super-confident'. If one lady, can crush you to this extent, with a simple 'no' (and with very good cause) then I don't classify you as 'super-confident'.

 

She lost. 39lbs before and looks better now but she is still about 150lbs. I am 207lbs. and work out on the reg and am a health nut by some people.

I fail to understand exactly what this has to do with anything at all. Are you suggesting that merely because you LOOK the part, she should have taken you up on your offer, pronto....?

 

Honestly I am surprised at how hard I fell for this woman. She's got that thing about her I suppose.

A lot of women have that 'thing' about them.

Although as a woman, I'm not sure your 'thing' is the same definition of 'thing' as mine....

 

Move on, just be friendly and keep it professional.

[Gloria25]

 

A lot of women have that 'thing' about them.

Although as a woman, I'm not sure your 'thing' is the same definition of 'thing' as mine.....

 

The "thing", IMO, is that men naturally want to provide/protect. And, just like how some women misplace their perception of "strength" in bad boys - some men perceive "damaged", "baggaged", "dependent", and/or "distressed" women like the OP as some poor little puppy who needs a strong and brave man - "Captain Save a H-", to ride in on his white (no pun intended) horse and save her.

 

If the OP is young and probably naive. IMO, he should provide/protect for a woman who's earned it and doesn't come with a questionable past.

 

You can't rescue anyone. A "Damsel in Distress" will only become a "Distressed Damsel"...in other words, the same poor choices she made in life to get her where she is won't stop cuz of the right man in her life.

[TaraMaiden2]

I am 100% certain that is totally NOT the 'thing' he's thinking of.

I think he's talking more of 'mature allure', a presence, a confident personality.

[Jabron1]

I am 100% certain that is totally NOT the 'thing' he's thinking of.

I think he's talking more of 'mature allure', a presence, a confident personality.

 

Yeah, that's why he was considering adopting the kids of a woman that he hasn't even went on one date with

 

Typical 'white knight', 'captain save a h-', 'saviour', 'nice-guy' game, whatever you want to call it.

 

Gloria's post was spot on.

Edited May 9, 2016 by Jabron1

[MrBojangles]

The "thing", IMO, is that men naturally want to provide/protect. And, just like how some women misplace their perception of "strength" in bad boys - some men perceive "damaged", "baggaged", "dependent", and/or "distressed" women like the OP as some poor little puppy who needs a strong and brave man - "Captain Save a H-", to ride in on his white (no pun intended) horse and save her.

 

If the OP is young and probably naive. IMO, he should provide/protect for a woman who's earned it and doesn't come with a questionable past.

 

You can't rescue anyone. A "Damsel in Distress" will only become a "Distressed Damsel"...in other words, the same poor choices she made in life to get her where she is won't stop cuz of the right man in her life.

 

 

You are assuming a lot about this woman here, and the OP's motivations. What makes you think her past is so questionable? She's lived her life, she has maintained relationships, started a family, and is gainfully employed! Her previous relationships with her children dads' may not have worked out, but how does this make her a "Damsel in Distress"?

 

Also, why are you assuming the OP's motivation is to: "Captain Save a H-", to ride in on his white (no pun intended) horse and save her."??? From the little written here by the OP, can you honestly extrapolate that he is only attracted to this woman because she needs rescue? IMO, you do not seem to be giving the OP much credit here. IMO, he probably simply fell for this woman, and did not view her as a "Damsel in Destress".

[TaraMaiden2]

Yeah, that's why he was considering adopting the kids of a woman that he hasn't even went on one date with

 

Typical 'white knight', 'captain save a h-', 'saviour', 'nice-guy' game, whatever you want to call it.

 

Gloria's post was spot on.

 

Well until the OP confirms, either way, it's sheer extreme guess-work.

Looking at the negative seems to be a prevalent attitude, and it's a shame some people feel jaded enough to view things in such a pessimistic light.

 

I think it says more about them than the subject they're commenting on, at times......

[Jabron1]

Well until the OP confirms, either way, it's sheer extreme guess-work.

Looking at the negative seems to be a prevalent attitude, and it's a shame some people feel jaded enough to view things in such a pessimistic light.

 

I think it says more about them than the subject they're commenting on, at times......

 

Pessimistic for saying that he can do better?

[TaraMaiden2]

No, pessimistic in the description of the woman.

[Jabron1]

No, pessimistic in the description of the woman.

 

That's realism.

[TaraMaiden2]

In your eyes and opinion.

Realism is neutral. It is only our experience that permits us to colour perception.

 

As Shakespeare stated, "There is nothing Good nor Bad but that thinking makes it so."

Or as Kipling further expresses, "...meet with Triumph and Disaster, And treat those two Impostors just the same,".

 

In other words, we see events through the colour specs we wear. Some wear pink, others wear grey.

My lenses are clear.

 

It took a while, but that's where I'm at.

[Emilia]

That's realism.

I really do wonder whether you ever plan on posting anything constructive and helpful or just come on threads to pick fights. The fact that some posters ignore repeated posts from you should be a clue.

[Gloria25]

In your eyes and opinion.

Realism is neutral. It is only our experience that permits us to colour perception.

 

As Shakespeare stated, "There is nothing Good nor Bad but that thinking makes it so."

Or as Kipling further expresses, "...meet with Triumph and Disaster, And treat those two Impostors just the same,".

 

In other words, we see events through the colour specs we wear. Some wear pink, others wear grey.

My lenses are clear.

 

It took a while, but that's where I'm at.

 

So, if someone's thighs are in real life "big", acknowledging that "fact" is negative/pessimistic?

 

It would be wrong to walk up to that person and be like "hey, you got fat thighs"...cuz yes, that is mean and rude. But, acknowledging a fact (i.e. talking to my friend about her thighs) is not negative, mean, pessimistic or whatever...

 

But that's the society we live in now a days. Everyone is so PC and the "truth/fact" is being a "bully", "negative", etc.

[Gloria25]

You are assuming a lot about this woman here, and the OP's motivations. What makes you think her past is so questionable? She's lived her life, she has maintained relationships, started a family, and is gainfully employed! Her previous relationships with her children dads' may not have worked out, but how does this make her a "Damsel in Distress"?

 

Also, why are you assuming the OP's motivation is to: "Captain Save a H-", to ride in on his white (no pun intended) horse and save her."??? From the little written here by the OP, can you honestly extrapolate that he is only attracted to this woman because she needs rescue? IMO, you do not seem to be giving the OP much credit here. IMO, he probably simply fell for this woman, and did not view her as a "Damsel in Destress".

 

We're all free here to express our "opinions". Opinions are formed from actual knowledge and life experiences - which we all have/differ in.

 

The OP and all of us aren't aimless zombies. When we're attracted to someone, there's "something" that draws us into them - healthy or not. From what the OP described about her there's nothing positive. And, agree or not - men's biology is to provide/protect women.

 

I'm sorry, but three kids by three different guys (especially no marriages) and a "job" (which for all we know could be a retail job where she makes barely $10.00 an hour) at almost 40 years of age doesn't make me think "winner" of someone like her.

[TaraMaiden2]

So, if someone's thighs are in real life "big", acknowledging that "fact" is negative/pessimistic?

 

It would be wrong to walk up to that person and be like "hey, you got fat thighs"...cuz yes, that is mean and rude. But, acknowledging a fact (i.e. talking to my friend about her thighs) is not negative, mean, pessimistic or whatever...

 

But that's the society we live in now a days. Everyone is so PC and the "truth/fact" is being a "bully", "negative", etc.

 

You totally misunderstand my point.

 

Personal perception has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with Political correctness.

 

Negativity is in the eye of the person perceiving it. And everyone not only sees things differently, they also mostly CHOOSE to see things in a particular light, because of personal previous experience.

 

It has nothing to do with calling someone fat or large, or big boned.

It has everything to do with whether you choose to criticise that, or refrain from doing so, because you aren't bothered by it.

[TaraMaiden2]

We're all free here to express our "opinions". Opinions are formed from actual knowledge and life experiences - which we all have/differ in.

That doesn't make it acceptable, though. Having the right to form an opinion, isn't the same thing as being appropriate in expressing it....

 

The OP and all of us aren't aimless zombies. When we're attracted to someone, there's "something" that draws us into them - healthy or not. From what the OP described about her there's nothing positive.

On the contrary, he felt there was.

And, agree or not - men's biology is to provide/protect women.

I disagree. And actually, judging by some of your prior comments regarding men and their behaviour, I'm not entirely sure how you can believe that either.

 

I'm sorry, but three kids by three different guys (especially no marriages) and a "job" (which for all we know could be a retail job where she makes barely $10.00 an hour) at almost 40 years of age doesn't make me think "winner" of someone like her

Fortunately, you're not the one wanting to date her.

So this comment is not really relevant.

[ashteller]

Well I love this forum.

 

I did not expect all this. Thanks to everyone.

 

@Tara sorry that I did not communicate properly. I never meant to come off negative about "my" woman in any way. I was just trying to explain more. I agree with a lot of what you said and I appreciate your time.

 

@Gloria you are part right about the protective part. That is a big aspect because of what this woman has revealed to me and even when she says certain jokes about being "the man of the house" amongst other things I see the pain behind the joking comments and in her eyes.

 

That is not all of it though even though it is the strongest factor. She also has a certain "swag" like she is super confidant and has a tough edge to her, but is still a woman none the less. Hard to explain. It's like she puts on this hard exterior, but is soft underneath. Her smile is amazing.

 

I think she is beautiful. I am trying to explain before my attraction how I felt. She looks average. Yeah what is average? For her age her face looks younger then she is. Thought she was late 20's at first.

 

I never meant any disrespect toward her in anything I say I am trying to convey a mental image with words. She makes $17.50 per hour and from the little I know she is a good and involved mother.

 

Also hold up. I do not want to marry her or adopt her kids.

I am mentioning that it is an option if the relationship were to develop. For me that is my aim let's say when I have a relationship. If it got serious I would be open to it. I thought a lot about it before I asked her. I am tired of games and she is confidant and has had her experiences and she seemed safe and least likely to cheat on me.

 

I am a hopeless romantic and I value the relationship and the responsibility. If both partners put the needs of each other above their own it helps create a healthy relationship and marriage, both have to apply it though.

 

I feel I moved on though, even though I still like her. I still l want to communicate with her on a regular basis, but should I fall back?

 

Also I was not saying she is racist. I mentioned that is what I initially thought in my head when she hit me with that excuse because I became defensive in my mind. As well I know she gave me an explanation, but only after I asked if it was for a different reason. If I walked away like I was originally about to do and was supposed to do I doubt it would have been mentioned.

 

Do you think she thought about it? Think she just shrugged off rejecting me or do you think she may have felt a little sad?

 

I was in a lot of pain and I cried about it. I still can't put it to a single thing why I like her so much. Her being a great listener was amazing and refreshing. I think I was too pushy and persistent at first and I came off clingy.

 

I have had experiences in life where I wait too long and I miss my opportunity. My first crush was single for a week in middle school, first girl I was going to ask out. Finally when I gathered my courage to ask her she tells me someone else already asked her out 2 hours before me and it was legit. Plus during my child hood a lot of my female friends always ended up moving.

 

Thanks everyone.

[thefooloftheyear]

Hopefully you woke up and smelled the coffee....

 

TFY

[normal person]

So this was my first time experiencing this type of rejection for being white. My initial feeling when she said that was that seems racist. I did not say that. I know she isn't because one of her best friends is a married with child white male 28 years old.

 

Someone's personal tastes and preferences about people they date and have relationships with aren't subject to discrimination laws. If she's not attracted to white guys, that's her personal choice or biologic preference. There's no law saying she has to date a certain quota of white men, or short men, or whatever the criteria is. She gets to decide and you don't have any recourse. It's not racist in the same sense of the word that we normally use it.

 

My whole point in this thread is to figure out what I should do next. Yes she said no but I think it was because I caught her off guard and that I have been to persistent in showing her attention.

 

If she said no, there's nothing else for you to do. You've got to respect her right to make up her own mind and not assume that you know what she wants better than she does.

 

She is a Libra and she strongly believes in that stuff and I know Libra always are seeking their true love and I can't see why she would not date the possible best thing to ever happen to her Just because of skin color.

 

Plus I am highly optimistic and a Gemini. I would like to eventually like to try again down the road. Any advice or tips is appreciated, thanks.

 

My advice is to stop basing life decisions on astrology, because it's total b******. Find a girl your own age who you don't work with and take it from there. If she likes you, great. But if she doesn't accept your advances, you need to stop there and resist the urge to see "what else" you can do about it. Best of luck.

[TaraMaiden2]

I am 100% certain that is totally NOT the 'thing' he's thinking of.

I think he's talking more of 'mature allure', a presence, a confident personality.

 

....@Gloria you are part right about the protective part. That is a big aspect because of what this woman has revealed to me and even when she says certain jokes about being "the man of the house" amongst other things I see the pain behind the joking comments and in her eyes.

 

That is not all of it though even though it is the strongest factor. She also has a certain "swag" like she is super confidant and has a tough edge to her, but is still a woman none the less. Hard to explain. It's like she puts on this hard exterior, but is soft underneath. Her smile is amazing.

....

 

Seems like we were both partially right.

Even though I stand by my original comment on 'that "Thing" '.

 

I would not define it as the OP has.

 

Still, I'm hoping you, @ashteller can move past this in a mature and stoic way, and continue working with her in the professional environment you find yourselves in ,without making it creepy for her!

[anika99]

We're all free here to express our "opinions". Opinions are formed from actual knowledge and life experiences - which we all have/differ in.

 

The OP and all of us aren't aimless zombies. When we're attracted to someone, there's "something" that draws us into them - healthy or not. From what the OP described about her there's nothing positive. And, agree or not - men's biology is to provide/protect women.

 

I'm sorry, but three kids by three different guys (especially no marriages) and a "job" (which for all we know could be a retail job where she makes barely $10.00 an hour) at almost 40 years of age doesn't make me think "winner" of someone like her.

 

There wasn't three guys there were two. She was with the first for 6 yrs and the second for 15 yrs! So she wasn't exactly being some sort of tramp. Assuming she never cheated, her track record proves that she was able to maintain a loyal monogamous relationship for 15 yrs. Can you say the same? That's longer than a lot of marriages last.

 

I see nothing in the OPs description of her that indicates the woman is of low value. Sounds like she has had very few sexual partners, and she was able to maintain long term committed relationships.

 

Her preference for black men might not even be so much a sexual preference as it is a practicality. Her children are black. Perhaps she feels like a black man would be more accepting of her kids or better able to relate to them. In any case I don't understand why people are tearing her to shreds just because she's had a couple of very long term relationships that produced children.

[thefooloftheyear]

There wasn't three guys there were two. She was with the first for 6 yrs and the second for 15 yrs! So she wasn't exactly being some sort of tramp. Assuming she never cheated, her track record proves that she was able to maintain a loyal monogamous relationship for 15 yrs. Can you say the same? That's longer than a lot of marriages last.

 

I see nothing in the OPs description of her that indicates the woman is of low value. Sounds like she has had very few sexual partners, and she was able to maintain long term committed relationships.

 

Her preference for black men might not even be so much a sexual preference as it is a practicality. Her children are black. Perhaps she feels like a black man would be more accepting of her kids or better able to relate to them. In any case I don't understand why people are tearing her to shreds just because she's had a couple of very long term relationships that produced children.

 

Or the fact that maybe she was left holding the bag with those guys, that she is a glutton for punishment??

 

Truth is, no one knows....She aint playing......guy needs to move on...period...

 

Not to be a pot stirrer here, (), but I do wonder if the "its her choice" type of responses from the ladies would be the same if a woman started a thread stating "Man rejected me because I am overweight"...

 

My guess is no.... and that there would be quite a bit of "tearing to shreds" types of responses....meh...Everything is relative...

 

TFY

[jen1447]

In any case I don't understand why people are tearing her to shreds just because she's had a couple of very long term relationships that produced children.

 

Usually that kind of behavior says more about the attacker than the person they're attacking. Just another form of intolerance for the most part. :-/

[spiderowl]

The best thing you can do is to accept it with good humour and start showing interest in others instead. If you hang on like a lovelorn guy, you will convince her she's done the right thing by putting you off. If you show you are a strong guy who doesn't care whether she's interested or not, she might be intrigued.

 

 

Having said that, others are right. She has already had two fairly serious relationships and two children. She presumably knows what she likes by now.