Emotional Affair

[Girlfromcali]

 

 

 

I do feel this way and we haven't even made it physical. I never imagined being the OW. I never thought I'd be here. I always despised married men cheating on their spouses.

I've been in absolute tears today after some of the things being said here. I guess it's hard to swallow.

 

Yes, I understand. Reading these stories are torturous for me sometimes, even now.

 

But at least you are here. I doubt I would've been reading this forum during when everything was happening. My defense mechanisms would have prevented me from seeing the reality.

 

I remember my best friend telling me how things really were but I'd be like "no, no, you're wrong".

It's even apparent here. You can go to other people's threads and give them perfect advice but when it comes to you, you don't want to see it, and even if you see it, you make excuses. It's normal, that's how we all are.

[PinkSunset]

I apologize if I am missing anyone's questions here. I feel a bit over whelmed.

 

Jamie and his wife were in counselling together and he said they spent a lot of time working on the marriage and trying to get through the loss of their baby. He wanted to adopt and she didn't. She gave up any future notion of trying to have kids even though they had wanted a big family. He said it wouldn't have been a problem for them to adopt and probably wouldn't have been a long wait time. She would have none of it.

 

I spoke to Jamie this aft and told him I can't see him tonight and needed time to think. He hasn't stopped emailing me and calling me since. He thinks I am trying to go back to Kevin and abandoning him, which isn't the case. I feel drained.

[noelle303]

Honestly, I'm not judging you for your feelings for him. I'm also not dismissing the possibility that he has actual feelings for you and that his wife may actually be abusive (for which her trauma is not an excuse). I don't know and can't pretend to know the people and the situation you are describing from your very biased point of view.

 

What I can tell you is that his marriage is a very personal thing to both of them. They can try and save it or they can end it, in both of these situations you can't be a part of it.

 

Remove yourself, allow him to sort out his own life on his own terms. If you think you can handle it, offer to be his friend. An affair is not going to help him fix his life, it's just going to make things messier and pull you into an emotional rollercoaster.

 

If ending his marriage is truly what he wants he will find a way to do it and fight for himself. Help him see that having an affair is a cowardly way of dealing with things and an eqivalent of burying his head in the sand. At the end of the day, he'll still be stuck in an unhappy marriage, raising a son in an abusive household, he'll just drag another person (you) into his mess. Don't allow this.

[PinkSunset]

Yes, I understand. Reading these stories are torturous for me sometimes, even now.

 

But at least you are here. I doubt I would've been reading this forum during when everything was happening. My defense mechanisms would have prevented me from seeing the reality.

 

I remember my best friend telling me how things really were but I'd be like "no, no, you're wrong".

It's even apparent here. You can go to other people's threads and give them perfect advice but when it comes to you, you don't want to see it, and even if you see it, you make excuses. It's normal, that's how we all are.

 

It's taken a year for me to get to this point of being on this forum...and I think the only reason I hadn't slept with him was because I was with Kev.

 

We never really hung out in person a lot until Kevin moved out, and over the last two months it's become really intense. I think that's why I am here.... I need advice. I am afraid to go that next step because I know it's more wrong than what I am already involved in.

Jamie was ecstatic when Kevin and I broke up. He and I had been fighting for months over Jamie and I didn't see what I was doing as wrong because it wasn't physical.

[PinkSunset]

Honestly, I'm not judging you for your feelings for him. I'm also not dismissing the possibility that he has actual feelings for you and that his wife may actually be abusive (for which her trauma is not an excuse). I don't know and can't pretend to know the people and the situation you are describing from your very biased point of view.

 

What I can tell you is that his marriage is a very personal thing to both of them. They can try and save it or they can end it, in both of these situations you can't be a part of it.

 

Remove yourself, allow him to sort out his own life on his own terms. If you think you can handle it, offer to be his friend. An affair is not going to help him fix his life, it's just going to make things messier and pull you into an emotional rollercoaster.

 

If ending his marriage is truly what he wants he will find a way to do it and fight for himself. Help him see that having an affair is a cowardly way of dealing with things and an eqivalent of burying his head in the sand. At the end of the day, he'll still be stuck in an unhappy marriage, raising a son in an abusive household, he'll just drag another person (you) into his mess. Don't allow this.

 

I told him I can't see him tonight and now he is blowing up my phone.

 

Is this what I have to look forward to?

[SomethingToSay]

I spoke to Jamie this aft and told him I can't see him tonight and needed time to think. He hasn't stopped emailing me and calling me since. He thinks I am trying to go back to Kevin and abandoning him, which isn't the case. I feel drained.

 

 

Of course he is scrambling. You are starting to see through him and his little cake-eating feast might be coming to an end.

 

 

Right now, the biggest mistake you could make is having sex with this man. Whatever you are feeling now is only going to be 1000x worse after that.

 

 

It is really annoying how you keep talking about his wife's family, and Jamie this, he wanted this, but she wanted that, blah blah blah. PLEASE get out of their marriage. You don't know what is going on. PLEASE stop taking everything "Jamie" says as fact. You only know what he is telling you and I GUARANTEE it is skewed to paint him as a poor little sausage and her as a mean old wretched witch. And you are falling for it hook line and sinker.

 

 

He is still with her. He has been with her for 5 YEARS now since things have turned bad. And in those five years...almost 2000 days....he has not mustered up even 1 hour to go have an initial consult with an attorney. And in the 1 year he has been falling in love with you (so to speak) he hasn't mustered up 1 hour of time to have an initial consult?

 

 

He is not going anywhere anytime soon at all. Maybe in a few years they will actually separate if things really are bad. Likely that would have to be her initiation though. I don't see him voluntarily initiating anything. It suits him much better to just keep the status quo going.

[SomethingToSay]

So turn your phone off. Or tell him to stop. Or block his #.

 

 

 

 

He obviously was super excited to get laid tonight after a years worth of investment in you....and he's scrambling to keep the status quo going.

 

 

Honestly, you seem like an educated person the way you can spell and write. You are young-ish. Don't waste anymore time on something that is going to cause you nothing but pain and grief. If he wants to divorce his wife fine, then if you are available when he as the papers or has at least moved out and has his own apartment then date him then.

[ChickiePops]

What's stopping you from giving him an ultimatum?

[PinkSunset]

So turn your phone off. Or tell him to stop. Or block his #.

 

 

 

 

He obviously was super excited to get laid tonight after a years worth of investment in you....and he's scrambling to keep the status quo going.

 

 

Honestly, you seem like an educated person the way you can spell and write. You are young-ish. Don't waste anymore time on something that is going to cause you nothing but pain and grief. If he wants to divorce his wife fine, then if you are available when he as the papers or has at least moved out and has his own apartment then date him then.

 

I think he may have been under the impression it was going to happen tonight as well. Our conversations lately have been mostly just about how he can't wait to do such and such ... I've never rejected him like this.

 

What's stopping you from giving him an ultimatum?

 

I haven't felt the need to until lately... We haven't overly discussed him leaving his wife all that much. I haven't pressured him for anything and I've always been open and honest about him coming to me when he needs me.

Lately I just realized it's turning into a PA and that makes it harder.

Edited May 6, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[PinkSunset]

I think the point was that you only know Jamie's side of the story. Or have you asked his wife's version of things?

 

She doesn't talk to me about their marriage. The odd time she would say something like he is lazy and has done nothing all day, when I knew he had been out with Micah the whole day or went to a business golf tournament.

 

I haven't hung around her much ALONE. Maybe 2-3 times in the last 1.5 years since I met her. She'd never been mean to me although Jamie said she thinks I could lose a few lbs. I weigh 135lbs and I am 5'6. I am far from needing to lose weight.

[PinkSunset]

I can't deal with it alone anymore. I AM in a fog and I can't see out! I don't want to be the reason and I am NOT the reason their marriage is this way. He had been sad and lonely long before I entered his life! I thought I could help him to make it better, but now it's about him and I.

I start therapy next week to try and help me through this but I honestly don't want to leave him. It breaks my heart.

Edited May 6, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[LadyIrish]

Well this is why I am here! I can't deal with it alone anymore. I AM in a fog and I can't see out! I don't want to be the reason and I am NOT the reason their marriage is this way. He had been sad and lonely long before I entered his life! I thought I could help him to make it better, but now it's about him and I.

I start therapy next week to try and help me through this but I honestly don't want to leave him. It breaks my heart.

 

I'm sorry if I seem harsh, but you need to HEAR me when I say, it is not your job to "help make things better" for him. You in fact have made things WORSE. You are not the victim here. Neither is Jaime. You both willingly cheat on his wife.

 

I'm glad you are going to therapy. You absolutely need to block his number. You need to have NC. THIS IS A NON NEGOTIABLE: You cannot be friends with this man. You are to be nowhere near this man and HIS WIFE. You are under no obligation to be his crutch for his failed marriage.

 

The more you are in his life, the less likely he is to turn back to his wife and work on his marriage TO HER. You need to step aside and get out of their marriage. It's between him and HER. Not you. Stop trying to convince yourself that you're just being a friend. Friends don't plan on having sex outside of their marriages.

[dubliner]

Sounds to me like you are setting yourself up nicely to be his band aid. MM in bad relationship- wants to leave but there are so many reasons why he can't, and there will always be, if she was poor it'd be that she couldn't cope financially, or she'd be mentally unstable etc etc the list of 'reasons' is endless.

Instead of working on his relationship or working on getting out of his relationship he patches, emotionally at first with a Florence nightingale type, someone who wants to save him, help him find his way out of this awful situation, and then ultimately it becomes physical because of the intimacy of opening up and being vulnerable and then it gets messy.

 

He may well want to leave, he may well have an awful M, but that's his battle, you being there or not will not change that.

A person truly unhappy in a relationship doesn't need another to lead the way out of it, they either suffer it or make a concerted effort to end it.

What can and often happens however is that an unhappy person finds a willing participant to fill the gaps, provide the love and affection they crave, provide the shoulder to cry on so they can be the victim of their circumstances without ever having to face up to the hard work that goes into improving or leaving the M.

 

Before you have sex with this man consider yourself, consider how each time you allow him to come over and spend time with you- cuddle - emotionally connect- you show him that you are ok with him using you to patch his life. You are ok with him using you to meet his needs, you are ok with being an option when he needs more than his M can provide. You are ok with the fact that he is effectively lying to his wife, and you expect little in return.

It's irrelevant whether or not you think SHE deserves this poor treatment, think about whether YOU deserve MORE than this.

[PinkSunset]

Today has been a really hard day for me and I am assuming it's because of the things I've read here. My situation isn't rare, either. I have read a couple threads here and it's devastating to say the least.

I still don't see Jamie like I see the MM in these threads though. Maybe I am just not there yet.

 

I spoke to him on the phone and he doesn't understand what's happening or why I need time to think and I told him I am just unsure of him now and how to move forward. He doesn't get it.

 

He is begging to see me and is saying he loves me and needs to hold me. He actually started to get angry with me! He is at work. I wonder if any of his coworkers can hear him.

[LadyIrish]

Today has been a really hard day for me and I am assuming it's because of the things I've read here. My situation isn't rare, either. I have read a couple threads here and it's devastating to say the least.

I still don't see Jamie like I see the MM in these threads though. Maybe I am just not there yet.

 

I spoke to him on the phone and he doesn't understand what's happening or why I need time to think and I told him I am just unsure of him now and how to move forward. He doesn't get it.

 

He is begging to see me and is saying he loves me and needs to hold me. He actually started to get angry with me! He is at work. I wonder if any of his coworkers can hear him.

 

Do not talk to him again. If he loves you then he will do right by you and end his marriage. Humans have an amazing ability to find a way to do things when there is no longer a choice to do the alternative. Meaning, if he really does love you and there is no other way to be with you and only you unless it is to grow a set and divorce his wife, then he will find a way. But he won't do that if you permit him to continue with the cake-eating status quo. Prepare yourself for the real possibility that he will never grow up and he will never grow a pair to do the adult thing. He's already proven himself to be quite a coward, but YOU CAN CHOOSE to live a life of authenticity and integrity. I hope that is what you choose.

[LadyIrish]

I also highly suggest that you go out with some girlfriends tonight. Don't even stay at your place. Absolutely surround yourself with a lot of people. Make it virtually impossible for him to come over unannounced and you succumbing to his advances and pleading. You are not in any emotional or mental capacity to reject him at your door if he comes over. Make yourself scarce.

[SomethingToSay]

Ha. Of course he is starting to get angry. You are starting to realize this current situation SUCKS for you. He of course knows this deep down. A man who truly respected and loved you would not create a situation where you are placed in such a pathetic sad spot (of OW).

 

Let him be angry. He will cry and moan and rage bc his cake is being threatened. Trust me though he will be JUST FINE.

 

And he is like other MM. Hes no different. Hell, this man hasnt even spoken concretely of leaving his wife yet. There is no way he has any real plans of doing so. Dont ever equate "I love you" or "Id do anything to be with you" or "You make me feel better than anyone in the world" with "I have filed for divorce, here are the papers".

 

All you have to do is tell him that youve realized you cant continue with him and that if he ever finds himself divorced to look you up"

 

Save yourseld from becoming a full time member of this sad, sad forum and disentagle yourself from this MM.

 

Read the "Dont know what to believe..." thread a few links down if you havent already.

[PinkSunset]

I will do my best to make myself scarce. I don't know if I can even make it out of my office right now without someone seeing my red crying face.

 

He sent me an email and all it said was "You and Micah are the only people in this world that bring me joy."

 

God, I love him like crazy. I just know this isn't good for me now. No one here has a happily ever after!

[whatatangledweb]

Him getting angry is the wrong way to react. You said you needed time and he should respect that. You need to tell him you won't have sex with him while he is with his wife. That you will not be a side piece just witing for him to move forward and leave.

 

As to his wife, you have no way to know what he said to get about loosing the baby and never being able to have more. This may have made her resent him and no longer respect him. Adoption is not some quick fix for a woman in her situation. She may feel like a failure and blame him because she was doings things he should have been doing when she had the accident.. Many wives/husbands joke around and say their spouse is lazy and hadn't done anything all day, like she told you. You may have overreacted because you don't like her. Stop being friends with her. That is beyond cruel.

 

If she has money she may very go after you. One ,you are having an affair with her husband, and two, she thinks you are friends. Double betrayals are a real bitch to deal with. She may tell people you work with, and your friends.

[Girlfromcali]

Does this Jamie person have any redeeming qualities at all?

 

He told you that his wife said you could lose a few pounds.

Why would he do that? What did he think that would accomplish?

[MidwestUSA]

 

He is begging to see me and is saying he loves me and needs to hold me. He actually started to get angry with me! He is at work. I wonder if any of his coworkers can hear him.

 

Can you see how ridiculous this is?

 

Someone took his Hostess cupcakes away. Aw, poor baby.

Edited May 6, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude ~T

[SomethingToSay]

So what if he said you and Micah are the only things he cares about. So friggin what? Unless he is saying "Here is my new address and a copy of my divorce filing" its just words backed up with NOTHING in terms of action.

 

What? Are u just supposed to give yourself fully to this MM fall deeply in love with him, be his emotional pillar, and keep yourself a secret for an indefinite period of time until he possibly maybe perhaps considers divorcing? What a convenient deal for him amd a ****ty deal for you.

 

How would it feel when he leaves your home after having sex to go to his wife who is waiting at home? THAT is the reality. And that is not what a truly loving and respectful man does.

 

Point being....he is gonna feed you the most beautiful words youve ever heard. No one woos like a MM. No one.

[Lady Hamilton]

I lost a baby. A lot of them, actually. It tore me up. It tore me up that it didn't tear my ex-husband up. I sat and grieved and cried and mourned and I got nothing. He was totally closed off.

 

So when my now-husband/AP wandered into my life, it was as a friend. I wasn't using him, I wasn't creating sob stories, I wasn't trying to figure out how to manipulate him... I was a woman who had miscarriage after miscarriage after miscarriage and a husband I was losing a connection with and who wanted somebody to talk to. Nobody was trying to have an affair, it started as a friendship. When he pulled away or I pulled away the other would panic not because some masterful plan was being destroyed, but because when you have a connection and you feel that support going away... It friggen hurts.

 

The point is the assumption seems to be that he's this villainous and awful guy who's exploiting a personal tragedy of his wife's (that he had no feelings about whatsoever) for the purposes of bedding somebody... And when he feels her pull away, it MUST be he's panicking that he's no longer allowed to "cake-eat" and is desperately trying to lure her back because his plan for the most complicated sex of his life is falling apart.

 

The reality is that he could be a guy who's hurting, he found a friend, and now he feels her pulling back and he's panicking at losing that one connection he had.

 

Are lines being crossed here and is this headed to affair-land? Oh yeah, absolutely. But not every guy who finds himself in an affair situation is this dastardly plotter who's looking to lure somebody into their bed so they can get their jollies off while also hurting their spouse. Here's guessing when this relationship started as a friendship, he had no idea that it would head to where it ultimately headed to.

[Onlywhenitrains]

Pink - I don't have much to add to other members already told you. There is some good and sound advice they gave you. I hope you find a strength to take it and follow it.

 

Two things I wanna say. First, no one can know what has happened between Jamie and his wife in their marriage following the tragedy of loosing a child, and not ever being able to have more kids and big family as they wanted. That kind of a tragedy either brings wife and husband together, or makes them drift away from each other. None of us will never know, nor we should. It is deeply personal thing between two of them, and only they know consciously or subconsciously what their feelings are.

 

Second, I think you are lucky. And here is why - I would've wanted to know about this forum a little over a year ago when I was where you are now. I would've come here and asked for advice everyone is giving to you now. I wish I had all of them telling me then what they are telling you now. Especially, the advice LadyIrish is giving you.

 

I hope you find a strength to do the right thing. Let Jamie and his wife be, and figure out their marriage and their life. I hope you remove yourself from the mix, and live YOUR life.

[William]

As a reminder after cleaning out 25 posts, this is an individual thread where one person has asked for advice on their unique situation. This is not the place to discuss the morality of infidelity.

 

If you are unable to do that, then move on to a thread more to your liking. ~Thank you