Emotional Affair

[Sunnycalb808]

The "right thing to do" is what, in your opinion? Continuing to work on a marriage that has already been worked on time and time again? Continue being with someone who verbally abuses you every day? Stay for the kid, so he can grow up with his parents sleeping in separate rooms, both unhappy, and think its normal.

 

But you dont know this to be true. And you have no position to say what is right for two married peoole AND a child that isn't yours. My god if anything HE is emotionally abusing her by lying to her ebery day and now gaslighting her.

 

The only right course of action is for you to go NC fully. And to stop making judgements on **** you have no personal knowledge of other than 2 bbqs where she was rude to him.

 

Stop with the texts and emails and boo boos and missing you and stay out their business. That is the right thing to do.

[PinkSunset]

But everything in life is a choice. Staying in this marriage or leaving is a choice he has to make anyway - whether there is someone on the other end or not.

 

Personally, these types of things are very much a case-by-case situation, but I honestly don't see the problem in outside motivation to make a change in your life. Sometimes people in broken marriages become very passive and feel like there is nothing better out there for them so they might as well stay. Maybe he needed something to pull him out.

 

That is exactly how he explained it to me as well. He said I made him realize what it is like to feel happy again and look forward to the future.

 

Even if his future doesn't involve me, I will be happy for him to be living a happy life. That is what I want most for him.

[William]

Folks, a previously banned member invaded and we had to do some cleanup. There may be a few hanging quotes from respondents but we tried to get most of the discussion cleaned up.

 

As a reminder, moderation does check long threads and our guidelines apply regardless of whether we stop by and post like this or not. We thank you in advance for your conforming postings and assisting members in their interpersonal relationships!

[PinkSunset]

But you dont know this to be true. And you have no position to say what is right for two married peoole AND a child that isn't yours. My god if anything HE is emotionally abusing her by lying to her ebery day and now gaslighting her.

 

The only right course of action is for you to go NC fully. And to stop making judgements on **** you have no personal knowledge of other than 2 bbqs where she was rude to him.

 

Stop with the texts and emails and boo boos and missing you and stay out their business. That is the right thing to do.

 

She is verbally abusive I have seen it. It was more than 2 bbq's but that doesn't matter. You are right I don't know everything that goes on there and I have been minding my own business... Since Saturday. Anything he has said to me since then has been by his own doing, I have asked very little.

 

If it weren't for him suspecting a PI I think he would be constantly trying to contact me which would make it that much harder to ignore him.

[Sunnycalb808]

So you dont think ita possible he may be purposely sidelining you at the moment?

[PinkSunset]

So you dont think ita possible he may be purposely sidelining you at the moment?

 

We had agreed a couple times that we would try to talk less but he never followed through and would always call/email/message.

 

It wasn't until he suspected the PI that he really toned it down...yet he is still the one making first contact.

[Sunnycalb808]

But what is his overall tone about divorving? I just still suspect he is purposely distancing you to allow him time to see if he wants to work things with his wife out

[PinkSunset]

For a guy that's worried about a PI I don't think he's being too smart about contacting you.

 

And just because he contacts doesn't mean you are required to respond.

 

 

He's either gonna divorce her or not. Appeasing his ego in the meantime isn't your job.

 

Do you have will power enough to not respond?

 

I see you as an open minded, compassionate type - but you really need to look out for your best interest first. If that includes keeping your distance until he's actually available - then so be it. If you do it that way and he does get divorced - it may be easier on your conscience to start seeing him when that time comes.

 

 

I haven't responded at all and it hurts. I do have the will power it's just very hard.

 

Hope you're doing ok Pink!

 

I am surviving. My knee injury is keeping me home in the evenings and it's tough because I am stuck in my mind. I did look for that book yesterday that you suggested and found it. I haven't started it yet, you can also buy the workbook for it too.

 

Jamie called me 3-4 times last night (it was Thursday, surprise) and I ignored all of them. He left a voicemail saying he loved the place he looked at and he put a deposit down. He just wanted to tell me he loves and misses me.

He thinks I am mad at him and I'm not... I feel I need to clarify this with him but I know I shouldn't. My therapist says I am doing the right thing by staying away for now.

[SomethingToSay]

Did his voicemails say anything about how his attorney meeting went?

 

 

I am pretty certain he knows you love him by now.

 

 

And again, providing him reassurance of that is not what you want to do, if you are truly wanting him to be leaving his marriage b/c he needs to (and not b/c of you)

 

 

I guess my concern IF he did move out -- is he moving out of as a "trial separation" or moving out as a divorce?

 

 

I have read lots of time about men who go back and forth. They get themselves set up outside the home, have their girlfriend they are free to see, but still keep the GF hidden, and actually spend lots of time back at the home too...under the guise of being with the child. Its creepy in a sister wifes kind of way.

 

 

He needs to be FILING for divorce. not separation..not mediation. Divorce. Anything short of that and he's waffling IMO

[stilltrying16]

Truly sorry it is that hard. And proud of you, Pink! The therapy seems to be helping too.

 

I've read here and elsewhere that every time you don't give in you get that much stronger.

 

I have been meaning to ask about your knee. How long did they say for it to heal?

[ladydesigner]

Good for you for keeping NC I know it is not easy. You are strong right now Pink that is something to be commended for! I would follow the advice of waiting for a D in the meantime keep your options open!

[SomethingToSay]

Pink, any update on this or MM? How are you doing?

[PinkSunset]

Thanks for the support everyone.

 

MM has contacted me a few times and after a lot of begging I finally responded... I told him I was not mad at him, that he just needed to deal with his crap on his own without me in the picture. He says it's hard to function without me. He said he is set to move into his new place on June 1st. I told him to let me know how the move goes. I haven't talked to him since and that was Saturday.

 

My knee is healing but it still hurts to do anything strenuous. I have been trying to go for short walks, actually I met with an old school friend over the weekend. We connected on FB a couple of weeks ago and decided to go for a coffee and a walk.

It was mostly just small talk and catching up, talking about some old mutual friends. He mentioned to me that he is divorced and has two small children. I told him I just recently broke up with my boyfriend. I didn't want to mention anything about MM, should I have? I feel like because we are both "single" he might try and pursue something.

He is attractive and has a good job, is smart and seems like a good guy. I'm not ready for dating though and I still think about Jamie all day long

[PinkSunset]

Has MM filed? Does his wife even know he's planning to move? Is there any way to confirm any of this?

 

Yes she knows and she is telling him he won't see his son. His lawyer knows about all of this and he told me he recorded her threatening him about not seeing the son.

He did sign the separation agreement and it should be filed this week. I didn't ask much about it, this is just what he has volunteered to me. He thinks he is losing me and in a sense I think he is too. If this keeps on like this I will eventually just get over him and not want to look back. Maybe that's better for him... Maybe my purpose is just for him to know he can be happy again...

[elaine567]

I didn't want to mention anything about MM, should I have? I feel like because we are both "single" he might try and pursue something.

He is attractive and has a good job, is smart and seems like a good guy. I'm not ready for dating though and I still think about Jamie all day long

 

There is no need to say anything as nothing really happened, it was just a fling.

This man will most likely "judge" you, and you will then "judge" yourself You will make headline gossip amongst your ex school mates for a short while too, it that what you want?

Better just to keep quiet.

[PinkSunset]

What did the lawyer says his parental rights are?

 

He surely must know his rights by now?

 

His wife can say anything she wants - the law over rules her "opinion". When does he plan to stop being her wussy? He is STILL allowing her to brow beat him! That may never end.

 

I guess that is why he recorded her, so he has some kind of proof of how she is when it comes to their son. He does know his rights, he isn't really listening to her threats anymore.

I guess she also told him if he leaves he can never come back, that her family will never forgive him and he told her he didn't plan on returning.

 

There is no need to say anything as nothing really happened, it was just a fling.

This man will most likely "judge" you, and you will then "judge" yourself You will make headline gossip amongst your ex school mates for a short while too, it that what you want?

Better just to keep quiet.

 

I thought so. He is divorced as well, he just mentioned that they were better off as friends and that they are good co-parents.

 

Am I the only 34 year old who has never been married? God, does that make me look bad for future mates?

[PinkSunset]

He sure plays this victim role well and thoroughly Pink.

 

I'd be cautious... That's not a healthy man. He's got major issues that could take years to change.

 

He's recording his wife - and still in that victim role. It identifies who he IS!

 

He may never be capable of breaking free from being the victim.

 

And you can't fix that for him.

 

It was me who suggested recording her, a couple weeks ago. I should have mentioned that...

[Girlfromcali]

Hmmm..you're 34 -years old and never married? You have a nice boyfriend but you dump him for someone unavailable. Maybe you don't want to have a real relationship. How long is your longest R?

[SomethingToSay]

I dont get how he would file a separation agreememt. An agreement has to be signed by both parties. When u initiate a separation or divorce you file a petition or complaint or motion, not a separation agreement".

 

So i guess thats my confusion.

[PinkSunset]

Hmmm..you're 34 -years old and never married? You have a nice boyfriend but you dump him for someone unavailable. Maybe you don't want to have a real relationship. How long is your longest R?

 

5 years. I spent my later 20's and some of my earlier 30's with him. I thought we would marry but apparently he never had that in mind.

 

I do want a real R.

 

I noticed you ignored the meat of my post...

 

He's got work to do Pink. Hopefully he gets help. You can't do it for him and stay healthy.

 

I'm sorry, not trying to ignore anything. My mind is all over the place.

 

I am trying to stay away and I haven't given him any advice since then.

 

I dont get how he would file a separation agreememt. An agreement has to be signed by both parties. When u initiate a separation or divorce you file a petition or complaint or motion, not a separation agreement".

 

So i guess thats my confusion.

 

You have to be separated for one year before you can file for divorce. After one year he can be granted a divorce based on grounds of separation.

He and his lawyer made up the paperwork for what he wants out of the separation/divorce and she still has to be served with it.

I know that she will have 30 days to respond and if she doesn't then it is considered uncontested and the judge will grant it. It's just the year of waiting that sucks.

I know it won't go down that way though.

[privategal]

If agreement is already drafted and he was anxious to get out she would have been served immediately.

Last I checked your post you were nc.

I thought you realized it was unhealthy to be talking during all of this?

[SomethingToSay]

He is probably holding back on pulling the gun on serving it until he moves out I am thinking? Or maybe still on the fence possible. B/c surely serving her wouldn't be a problem since they are living together.

 

 

You have to be separated for one year before you can file for divorce. After one year he can be granted a divorce based on grounds of separation

 

 

My state has this too, and I have seen lots of people waffle back and forth during this 1 year period. If you spend 1 night together under the same roof during this period, it sets the clock over (at least in my state)

[AlwaysGrowing]

In Canada there is no requirement for a "legal" separation. Any separation agreements that are made include both parties sitting down and constructing one, they do not legally have to be drafted by a lawyer, although some type of mediation process/person is suggested.

 

In Canada there are only three recognized kinds of divorces, Cruelty, Adultery and one year separation. The person committing adultery can not file for adultery.

 

One need not have a separate address to prove separation.

 

One can start the divorce paperwork prior to the time condition of one year separation.

 

Divorce is not automatic after the one year separation, one has to file.

[PinkSunset]

Pink - at best - this is 14 months away from the possibility of consideration for dating.

 

Let's look at you - what are YOUR personal goals? What do you wish to accomplish FOR YOURSELF within the next year?

 

Let's focus on the things YOU can change FOR yourself...

 

I really just want to get myself back to where I once was. After my last LTR (before Kevin) I was really broken. He was emotionally abusive at best.

After meeting Kevin I felt good again, not just because of him but because I felt like myself again. I wasn't depressed anymore, I was happy.

 

Being happy and healthy, mentally and physically is my goal.

 

He is probably holding back on pulling the gun on serving it until he moves out I am thinking? Or maybe still on the fence possible. B/c surely serving her wouldn't be a problem since they are living together.

 

My state has this too, and I have seen lots of people waffle back and forth during this 1 year period. If you spend 1 night together under the same roof during this period, it sets the clock over (at least in my state)

 

I don't know what she is being served with or if he meant that in due time. I know she won't go with him to help make an agreement up so he made one up on his own with his lawyer. I don't even think she has a lawyer yet. She thinks he is bluffing. He put his deposit down for his new house he is going to rent and he moves in over the weekend.

 

I am trying to stay out of it, so I don't ask a lot of questions anymore. He has picked up on this and says it's because I'm losing faith in him and eventually will be gone. I tell him that's not true but I am really not so sure anymore.

[SomethingToSay]

He put his deposit down for his new house he is going to rent and he moves in over the weekend.

 

 

Did he say how long his lease/rental agreement term is?

 

I am trying to stay out of it, so I don't ask a lot of questions anymore. He has picked up on this and says it's because I'm losing faith in him and eventually will be gone. I tell him that's not true but I am really not so sure anymore.

 

 

I am hoping with distance you are seeing that this man is not the knight in shining armor/prince charming you maybe felt when caught up in the affair. Im not saying he's awful, but he's clearly in a "place" in his life where he isn't acting with integrity.

 

 

For me personally, being with someone I met while they were married, I would always be wondering would they get chummy with a co-workers when things with us got stressful or bumpy as relationship ALWAYS do, to some extent at least, at times.

 

 

I think you've done very well staying Low Contact and focusing on yourself.

 

 

I am curious is his wife still suspecting an Affair, has their been any sort of D-day at all. Does she not see his phone ever?