! Do I break up with him??

[Larryville]

Do I break up with him??

 

I went thru this again and I am resigned to now when I see someone start a thread asking “should I break up with him or her” the answer is ALWAYS NO MATTER WHAT YES! In addition the more it gets grinded into discussion just enforces how correct that assertion is.

[avocado_12]

Totally agree with Elaine above.

 

You may love him and make him your priority but he clearly doesn't have the same feelings or respect for you in return. Don't be blinded to his character using love as an excuse to turn a blind eye to what he did.

 

He betrayed you. Within 5 seconds. That's how much he considers you and what you'd asked of him.

 

Do you want to be with someone that you can't share everything with because he cannot control his mouth? He was gossiping plain and simple. He put his friends 'need to know' (even though it had nothing to do with him) above you. That's what it comes down too. He had no reason or excuse to justify it. In this case it was a minor secret however his response to your wishes is what you should be paying attention to in this case.

 

Think back to all the personal things you've told him already do you think given his behaviour here that he has or thinks he has any duty or obligation to keep what you say and do with him to himself?

 

I wouldn't trust him as far as you can throw him.

 

He chose his friends need to know (when actually there was no need for him to know) over you. Is that the man you want to be with?

 

It took him less than 5 seconds. That should show you how much what you said to him mattered. It didn't. He didn't even consider you here at all.

 

You are so right! He didnt consider my feelings at all, he acted like he didnt even care which makes me question his commitment towards me. The fact that I asked him not to say something and he knew how serious I was and completely disregarded it shows how he feels about me. He doesnt give a sh..t

[avocado_12]

I went thru this again and I am resigned to now when I see someone start a thread asking “should I break up with him or her” the answer is ALWAYS NO MATTER WHAT YES! In addition the more it gets grinded into discussion just enforces how correct that assertion is.

 

I know what you are saying but I don't know if breaking up with him is genuinely the right thing to do. if he comes back to me and apologises and understands where he went wrong then I think I would want to try and resolve the issue. However if he came back to me and said he doesnt get it bla bla then I'm done

[Arieswoman]

OP,

You can learn something from this ;

 

"Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead." Benjamin Franklin

[smudge21]

I know what you are saying but I don't know if breaking up with him is genuinely the right thing to do. if he comes back to me and apologises and understands where he went wrong then I think I would want to try and resolve the issue. However if he came back to me and said he doesnt get it bla bla then I'm done

 

Sorry but no - you are putting all the blame on him. If you two are going to work this problem out, then you both need to accept responsibility for your actions. He needs to understand your view point that you feel he betrayed your trust. You need to understand that you put him in an awkward position by telling him something that meant betraying either your trust or a friends. As much as you are demanding he make the effort to come to you, he may be expecting the exact same. One of you may need to adult up a bit and make that first step but with the view of accepting that this wasn't just the fault of one or the other.

[Gaeta]

I know what you are saying but I don't know if breaking up with him is genuinely the right thing to do. if he comes back to me and apologises and understands where he went wrong then I think I would want to try and resolve the issue. However if he came back to me and said he doesnt get it bla bla then I'm done

 

Dating is about learning about each other. It's probably the first time you told him a 'secret'? Now you know how he handles it. It could have been worse, really. This is an opportunity to discuss the matter and learn about each other.

[avocado_12]

Sorry but no - you are putting all the blame on him. If you two are going to work this problem out, then you both need to accept responsibility for your actions. He needs to understand your view point that you feel he betrayed your trust. You need to understand that you put him in an awkward position by telling him something that meant betraying either your trust or a friends. As much as you are demanding he make the effort to come to you, he may be expecting the exact same. One of you may need to adult up a bit and make that first step but with the view of accepting that this wasn't just the fault of one or the other.

 

 

I know what you are saying smudge but the truth is and this may make me immature or childish.. I don't wana speak to him yet or reach out to him. I feel too hurt and angry. Whether i put him in an awkward situation or not he could have said to me not to tell him beforehand, he shouldnt have agreed he wouldnt say anything and then go against his word and mine.

 

I think he is the one in the wrong not me. And thats not me being stubborn or in denial. Its what i genuinely believe. If i felt i was at fault I would hold my hands up and apologise, frankly theres more chances of seeing pigs in the sky than me reaching out to him.

[avocado_12]

Dating is about learning about each other. It's probably the first time you told him a 'secret'? Now you know how he handles it. It could have been worse, really. This is an opportunity to discuss the matter and learn about each other.

 

Yeah i guess you are right Gaeta, we are still learning about each other. Maybe we both just need time to reflect on things?

[266696687]

You are so right! He didnt consider my feelings at all, he acted like he didnt even care which makes me question his commitment towards me. The fact that I asked him not to say something and he knew how serious I was and completely disregarded it shows how he feels about me. He doesnt give a sh..t

 

He didn't 'act' like he didn't care. HE DIDN'T CARE.

 

That's the point.

 

He cannot claim he forgot his promise. He cannot claim he thought long and hard about his decision to tell his friend. There was no moral ground for telling his friend other than to gossip. He didn't ask your permission to disclose what you told him.

 

It's as if you didn't exist in the equation at all. He doesn't care.

 

Yes this was a minor secret but it's the behaviour that's the problem. Why would you stay with someone who can betray you over something so minor? He couldn't hold in a teeny tiny secret for 5 seconds so imagine what he'd like with a big secret.

 

There's a clear lack of respect for what you said. He either didn't take you seriously or didn't expect there to be any consequences for it either way it's disrespectful to you.

[avocado_12]

He didn't 'act' like he didn't care. HE DIDN'T CARE.

 

That's the point.

 

He cannot claim he forgot his promise. He cannot claim he thought long and hard about his decision to tell his friend. There was no moral ground for telling his friend other than to gossip. He didn't ask your permission to disclose what you told him.

 

It's as if you didn't exist in the equation at all. He doesn't care.

 

Yes this was a minor secret but it's the behaviour that's the problem. Why would you stay with someone who can betray you over something so minor? He couldn't hold in a teeny tiny secret for 5 seconds so imagine what he'd like with a big secret.

 

There's a clear lack of respect for what you said. He either didn't take you seriously or didn't expect there to be any consequences for it either way it's disrespectful to you.

 

So do you think its something I should end the relationship over?

[CarrieT]

So do you think its something I should end the relationship over?

 

I would.

 

 

 

 

 

Ten Characters.

[Cinnamonstix]

Tell him how you feel about the whole situation - how you feel disrespected, etc. in a calm and collected manor. Based on how he reacts, you can choose how you'd like to go from there. The secret was pretty minor, so I think if he reacts well to your feelings that you should give him another chance, especially since he also 'fessed up to you right away about what he had done. If he does something along the same lines again, then it may be time to toss him.

 

That said, if my bf did that, his boyish behaviour would probably make me lose some respect and attraction to him.

Edited May 4, 2016 by Cinnamonstix

[266696687]

So do you think its something I should end the relationship over?

 

Only you can decide that.

 

You can certainly try talking to him about it.

 

Explain carefully what he did. I.e it's not about the secret he shared. It's the fact that he shared something specifically that you asked him not too. Explain its disrespectful and you won't tolerate it again. You need to mean it. If he apologizes, accepts he made a mistake and states he won't do it again then you could if you felt inclined to give him a second chance.

 

If he minimizes his behaviour in anyway. Stating it wasn't a big deal or the secret was nothing I'd end the relationship. If he doesn't get its not about the actual secret then I'd let him go.

[avocado_12]

Only you can decide that.

 

You can certainly try talking to him about it.

 

Explain carefully what he did. I.e it's not about the secret he shared. It's the fact that he shared something specifically that you asked him not too. Explain its disrespectful and you won't tolerate it again. You need to mean it. If he apologizes, accepts he made a mistake and states he won't do it again then you could if you felt inclined to give him a second chance.

 

If he minimizes his behaviour in anyway. Stating it wasn't a big deal or the secret was nothing I'd end the relationship. If he doesn't get its not about the actual secret then I'd let him go.

 

I completely agree, thanks. I've not heard from him today which maybe is a good thing i guess. Just have to wait and see what happens. He's the one that sent me a message last night after ignoring his calls saying i've not to expect him to answer his calls from now on and that he's done.

[Gaeta]

I completely agree, thanks. I've not heard from him today which maybe is a good thing i guess. Just have to wait and see what happens. He's the one that sent me a message last night after ignoring his calls saying i've not to expect him to answer his calls from now on and that he's done.

 

On a side note.

 

If you want to benefit from happy relationships in your life do not 'ignore' people. It's not because someone offended you that you have to treat them with no personal guidelines. If you want a break from a boyfriend, or anyone, tell them. I am sorry I can't discuss this right now, we will talk tomorrow.

Edited May 4, 2016 by Gaeta

[266696687]

I completely agree, thanks. I've not heard from him today which maybe is a good thing i guess. Just have to wait and see what happens. He's the one that sent me a message last night after ignoring his calls saying i've not to expect him to answer his calls from now on and that he's done.

 

Well if he is done then you shouldn't contact him to discuss it.

 

He may get in touch with you but you should remain silent for now. You shouldn't chase after him for an apology or anything else. If he comes to you discuss it but do not reach out to him.

 

Gaeta, makes a very good point above for your future relatiomships it'll serve you better than ignoring someone.

[ExpatInItaly]

On a side note.

 

If you want to benefit from happy relationships in your life do not 'ignore' people. It's not because someone offended you that you have to treat them with no personal guidelines. If you want a break from a boyfriend, or anyone, tell them. I am sorry I can't discuss this right now, we will talk tomorrow.

 

I completely agree.

 

Flat-out ignoring someone in this situation is immature and serves zero purpose. Communicate that you are upset and don't wish to talk at the moment. It's a simple measure that goes a long way in improving the quality of our relationships.

[avocado_12]

Thanks for the advice guys, I know now having slept on it that hanging up on him then ignoring his calls was not the right way to deal with it. I guess I was just so angry I wasn't thinking straight and acted immaturely. I still havent had any contact from him and frankly i'm starting to think now that he is done.

 

Just find it so unfair as I had every right to be upset and feel the way I did and now I feel like its me thats the bad guy.

[Gaeta]

Just find it so unfair as I had every right to be upset and feel the way I did and now I feel like its me thats the bad guy.

 

So be the bigger person, contact him, tell him you were wrong for hanging up and ignoring him, you have calmed down and would like to talk about what happened.

[avocado_12]

So be the bigger person, contact him, tell him you were wrong for hanging up and ignoring him, you have calmed down and would like to talk about what happened.

 

I think i'm scared to Gaeta incase I dont get the response I want. I feel like he will either ignore me or give me the "I need some space" card. I know that will really annoy me seeing as he was the one that completely messed up. What if he says "i dont know what i want etc..i need some time". or that he thinks we should end it? What do I do and say??????? Please help!

[Larryville]

I know what you are saying but I don't know if breaking up with him is genuinely the right thing to do. if he comes back to me and apologises and understands where he went wrong then I think I would want to try and resolve the issue. However if he came back to me and said he doesnt get it bla bla then I'm done

 

Dating is about learning about each other. It's probably the first time you told him a 'secret'? Now you know how he handles it. It could have been worse, really. This is an opportunity to discuss the matter and learn about each other.

 

cado12:

 

I get others might disagree, but I don’t honestly know how many of these threads are “real” in that I mean are many of these issues “real” or are people just wanting some sort of attention the threads generates.

 

Having said that, my thinking is IF the issues is legit and someone has enough angst to make the decision to post here and seek advice from strangers those individuals should ALWAYS choose to communicate clearly with the source of their issue FIRST before posting here.

 

I just fundamentally believe that people engage in avoidance behaviors and either try to sweep the issue under the rug or come here to seek advice from strangers hoping to get some magic insight from someone when if they had just reached out to this important person and getting a clear understanding of an issue the problem can be resolved.

 

Not saying don’t post, (I like to read because a significant majority of the advice I read here is sincere and heart felt) I just recommend reach out to your object of your affection FIRST.

 

Just find it so unfair as I had every right to be upset and feel the way I did and now I feel like its me thats the bad guy.

 

On that note, yes you do have a right to be upset… but yes won't hurt for you to reach out.

[Cinnamonstix]

I think i'm scared to Gaeta incase I dont get the response I want. I feel like he will either ignore me or give me the "I need some space" card. I know that will really annoy me seeing as he was the one that completely messed up. What if he says "i dont know what i want etc..i need some time". or that he thinks we should end it? What do I do and say??????? Please help!

 

You can't control what he's going to do. You have to take the risk. If you're too scared to call, just text him and say that you're sorry for hanging up on him and ignoring him. You shouldn't have handled it that way, and you're ready to talk.

[Gaeta]

I think i'm scared to Gaeta incase I dont get the response I want. I feel like he will either ignore me or give me the "I need some space" card. I know that will really annoy me seeing as he was the one that completely messed up. What if he says "i dont know what i want etc..i need some time". or that he thinks we should end it? What do I do and say??????? Please help!

 

Honey, you need to discover the power of 'letting go'. All your worries and anxiety are caused by you wanting to control the situation. You can't.

 

If he says he doesn't know what he wants and he needs time then give it to him. Break up and let him go figure himself out. You cannot control his feelings, you cannot make him want you.

 

When someone wants to leave your life...........let him ! you cannot hold someone back, hold them in your life.

 

If he chooses to leave you will be just fine ! The earth will continue spinning, the sun will continue rising, life will go on and there will be other boyfriends. This man doesn't make you or break you.

[avocado_12]

He just broke up with me over txt. I txt him saying to let me know when he's free to talk and he said that I had my chance the other night and that he's done with us and its over.

 

Cant believe it. I dont know what to do or say I'm in shock.

[avocado_12]

I feel devastated. how ironic, my title on this post was should i break up with him and he broke up with me. I feel cheated and betrayed and just disgusting