Personal trainer.... love and friendship

[Shyla88]

Please understand that I know him pretty well now. He doesn't do this with any other person. The other trainers at the gym have commented on our relationship. Said he's not like it with anyone else.

[Kics]

I would just drop him if you find out he is married. Is there no way of finding out? Facebook? How old are you? and how old is he?

[Jabron1]

Also please take in to consideration he is a qualified life coach and when we met I had alot of problems. It could just be that what has bought us this close??

 

Or made you vulnerable to a very manipulative kind of person.

 

I don't trust this 'life coach' hippy business.

 

I'm not sure what his game is. But, he could be spending time with you and isn't. That's the deal here.

 

He's playing silly games instead.

 

Not really good enough. Is it?

 

Ask him out. See what he says. If he fobs you off, at least you'll know where you stand.

[ExpatInItaly]

Please understand that I know him pretty well now. He doesn't do this with any other person. The other trainers at the gym have commented on our relationship. Said he's not like it with anyone else.

 

And yet you have no idea if he is married.

 

I don't want to be too harsh, but you don't know him as well as you'd like to believe.

[Shyla88]

He said he's sorting his relationship cos it isn't working that was months ago. He doesn't like to talk about it

[katiegrl]

He said he's sorting his relationship cos it isn't working that was months ago. He doesn't like to talk about it

 

Okay, let's assume he is single and available.

 

That makes his behavior even more egregious as it indicates he is completely playing you ..... as he obviously has no intention or even desire to date you.

 

Otherwise he would be! Duh. I mean given his behavior towards you and things he says, he is obviously not shy!

 

So if wanted to date you, he would be asking you out. Not telling you he has no time and family obligations. Give me a break.

 

Come on girl, wake up.

 

This 12 hour work day is BS.

 

My ex worked two jobs and was gone from 5:00 am to 7:00 pm every day... that's 14 hours, and we had lots of quality time together.

 

And divorced men with kids have time to date too.

 

When their ex's have the kids.

 

He is bs'ing you.

 

Take off the blinders......

 

Sorry this was blunt, but this is ridiculous.

 

Best of luck moving forward.

Edited April 30, 2016 by katiegrl

[katiegrl]

And just because he doesn't behave this way with your friend, that doesn't mean he isn't with other female clients.

 

I mean unless the guy is a complete moron, he knows better than to play two women who are friends with each other, jeez.

 

Why is he doing this?

 

To maintain your business mostly.

 

And/or for fun, for kicks, he's an attention seeker.

 

Who knows, who cares.

 

Whatever he's got you believing, it's not going anywhere.

 

He doesn't want to date you.

Edited May 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[basil67]

I once got in a situation similar to yours - I had a crush on an older someone who should have enforced his professional boundaries. He did make time for me after hours and when we'd said goodbye and I was waiting for the bus I saw his wife come and pick him up. I watched in a state of shock. We'd shared all these intimacies, yet I had no idea he had a wife!!!

 

Please listen to what everyone is telling you.

[Shyla88]

OK. I never have said or argued the fact that he did want to date me. Honestly I find this forum and the way you speak to people really harsh. I was just writing a post. Asking a question I didn't need to be torn down like that. I'm a real person with a genuine problem and I might not be as intelligent or worldly as you so I had to ask the question.

 

I'm not disputing any of it I'm taking it on board so there really is no need to speak to me the way you are. I an sure if you were in my shoes you wouldn't appreciate it either.

 

He is not dumb. And he does not act like this with other female clients. I'm not being niave this time. I've met most of his other clients. They usually have life threatening health issues as he is a medical professional and rely on him. Trust me when I say he doesn't do this usually.

 

Seems like im being attacked with asking. He's married? Maybe so. But to tell me to just leave it and not see him is ridiculous after I explained how much I rely on him in the original post.

[Shyla88]

If he is married then that's fine. I think he's amazing as a friend if he's married I'm happy for him and wouldn't ever cross the line. I asked this question not for his marital status but for your guys opinion on the way he trusts me. But thanks anyway w

[Dis]

The guy is def married or has a serious gf. Pls wake up now! Listen...if he wanted to date you or could date you....he would have done so already. No one is truley too busy to at least take a girl out once or twice. Guys like this are masters at manipultation which is why you cant see him for what he really is...not single. He is also crossing proffesional boundaries...do you really think your the only one he is doing that with??? Probably not.

 

***Solution... Get a new trainer

[Dis]

Please understand that I know him pretty well now. He doesn't do this with any other person. The other trainers at the gym have commented on our relationship. Said he's not like it with anyone else.

 

Hun pls....you do not know that hes not like this with anyone else because he probaby is. If you want to keep your head buried in the sand go ahead but IMO ignorance does not equal bliss

[Dis]

He said he's sorting his relationship cos it isn't working that was months ago. He doesn't like to talk about it

 

BOOM...hes not single. Theres your proof right there. What more do you need???

[katiegrl]

If he is married then that's fine. I think he's amazing as a friend if he's married I'm happy for him and wouldn't ever cross the line. I asked this question not for his marital status but for your guys opinion on the way he trusts me. But thanks anyway w

 

You never mentioned one word about *trust* in your original post.

 

You described his behavior, in great detail, and asked for our *thoughts*.

 

Which we gave you. I for one did so to help you! And I would venture to guess everyone else did too.

 

I am sorry you didn't like our opinions or took offense, but that's what happens when you create a thread and ask people for their thoughts and opinions.

 

We are a honest bunch here on LS. And you will get the truth, as blunt as that sometimes is. Most posters appreciate it.

 

If you choose to ignore, that is your prerogative, but to criticize people who were only trying to help you ... well, is just wrong, and disrespectful of our efforts to help you.

 

Good luck though, hope it all works out for ya.

Edited May 1, 2016 by katiegrl

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I respect the fact that this man means a lot to you. It sounds like he has been your knight in shining armor when you needed it most.

 

For some men this role can be addictive. To feel important, be a problem solver, gain female attention and feel pride at making you happy. You can see why he would might become emotionally invested on some level after a year of this type of arrangement. I am not going to judge whether this is appropriate or not, just offering another possible explanation.

 

From your perspective, you have opened yourself up to him, trusted him with secrets, and become emotionally invested in him. I can see why you feel confused, but from an outsiders perspective, I think this is perfectly understandable why you have developed these feelings, but it is also something you need to be wary of.

 

You are clearly attached to him, yet despite his flirtations, he is keeping you out of his private life completely. All you know for certain is that he mentioned having some relationship issues a while ago. Unless he has specifically said he is single now, you can be fairly certain that he is still attached. For this reason I think you need to be careful and guard your heart from being broken because despite your closeness this is not a committed relationship (although the emotional investment for you probably feels that way right now).

 

All the sweet words in the world mean nothing without being backed up by action. I am not saying this to be hurtful but to warn you. It can be so easy to get caught up in the emotional attachment that you forget to look at things critically so try and keep that in mind. He knows so much more about you than you do about him.

 

You say his friendship is important regardless of whether he returns your feelings which is fine as long as you are being 100% honest with yourself. If you are happy to have things remain as they are with no possibility of a romantic future then that is ok.

 

However, if you find this stopping you from developing relationships and bonds with other men or that you find he is becoming too important to you then it might be not be in your best interest to be so close with your trainer anymore. Just something to consider.

 

Only you can decide what feels right for you.

 

Take care.

[qq2016]

I meet a guy who is similar like him lately. He lied to me lots and always manipulated me. He claimed that his phone is broken so he could only email me. He never took me out for dates even I said I would pay. He never admitted he has a wife or girlfriend when I questioned him. Then after wasting my time&emotions with this player for a while I got my answer: he is probably single, but he might be dating several women at the same time and probably thinks that I am too ugly for him, so he doesn't want us to be seen in public:lmao:

[ExpatInItaly]

OK. I never have said or argued the fact that he did want to date me. Honestly I find this forum and the way you speak to people really harsh. I was just writing a post. Asking a question I didn't need to be torn down like that. I'm a real person with a genuine problem and I might not be as intelligent or worldly as you so I had to ask the question.

 

I'm not disputing any of it I'm taking it on board so there really is no need to speak to me the way you are. I an sure if you were in my shoes you wouldn't appreciate it either.

 

He is not dumb. And he does not act like this with other female clients. I'm not being niave this time. I've met most of his other clients. They usually have life threatening health issues as he is a medical professional and rely on him. Trust me when I say he doesn't do this usually.

 

Seems like im being attacked with asking. He's married? Maybe so. But to tell me to just leave it and not see him is ridiculous after I explained how much I rely on him in the original post.

 

It's not ridiculous if he's toying with your feelings and being inappropriate with a client. He likes the attention and he knows you like him. You're opening up to him and relying on him, but you have to also understand that's probably as far as it's going to go. Do you really want to continue to rely so much on someone who can't really fully reciprocate? How much has he shared with you about his life? It sounds like there's a big part of his life you know very little about. You don't know what's happening in his personal life, but I would venture he knows a lot about yours. It would be wise to consider what you're hoping will come of this. Were you hoping he'd want to date you? If you were just hoping for a friendship, I don't think you'd have created this thread. Correct me if I'm wrong, though.

 

Us pointing out that he's probably married is therefore relevant, because it would explain why he's never asked you out. You were wondering if it's because he's not into you that way; I say it's because he's not single and he's just having some fun flirting with you. Would you be comfortable with your husband or boyfriend talking to a much younger woman the way he talks to you? That is another reason to walk. Would you continue this friendship in the same manner if you confirmed he's someone's else's husband or boyfriend?

Edited May 1, 2016 by ExpatInItaly

[Emilia]

He said he's sorting his relationship cos it isn't working that was months ago. He doesn't like to talk about it

Nobody wants to upset you OP, we are just trying to open your eyes. A lot of people here are much older than you with lots of life experience and we have seen probably all the stories that are out there.

 

This above says it all. A lot of men who are in relationships/marriage that 'aren't working' go around getting inappropriately close to women. They come in all sorts of flavours, some cheat others just play around for attention. Whether he sorts out his relationship or not has nothing to do with you.

 

A man who is much older than you knows what he is doing while behaving like this much more than you realise. He knows he is crossing the line, he knows he is overstepping boundaries, he knows he is drawing you in but he doesn't care because it provides him with something that he isn't getting anywhere else.

 

You are young, find someone around your age. That tends to work out much better. You are only going to be the victim in this because you don't have the experience to handle it.

[Buddhist]

Regardless of how well you know him or not something is off in tis situation. You have a man repeatedly acting 'boyfriend' on you and yet keeping you at arms length. This has been going on a for a year, so if it was ever going to change into something more it would have by now.

 

The bottom line is, while you are emotionally tied up here you won't be likely to accept the advances of someone who does want to move things forward with you. You can't, all your emotions are tied up with your trainer.

 

One more question, you've been training with him for a year now. Twice per week? Why isn't your body super banging' by now? It's a serious question because honestly a year is long enough for even the biggest transformations. I suspect you are not getting value for money here in terms of personal training. There's more reason than one to change trainers. He's been dicking with your time and money by sidetracking your attention into this emotional territory, perhaps taking your attention away from the fact you're not getting much result from the fitness aspect. Think about it.

[Shyla88]

I understand that many of you are giving me your thoughts and advice and are saying it in a nice way that I can read and understand. But one or two replies have upset me in the way they were written. I'm not disrespectful as someone posted earlier I do value all opinions which I know I asked for. I just am very sensitive and don't like being spoken to in that way.

 

When I wrote this post about his behaviour I was wondering weather the way he treats me is normal PT/life coach behaviour or friendship behaviour..... I wondered if maybe he may have feelings for me? I don't need to date him I just wondered what your thoughts were on his feelings for me.

 

What I want from this relationship is exactly what I'm getting now. I don't need more I don't need a date. He's like my best friend I can tell him anything and I enjoy our friendship so much. If he is married that's fine I'm happy for him. I would wonder what his wife would think of the way we are involved but I wouldn't have any idea how much she knows about me. Maybe he's explained the problems I have been having so when I text him when he's in bed or on holiday ...she doesn't mind.

 

I couldn't say. I know you guys are trying to open my eyes and I understand that and take each reply seriously. I know he isn't doing this with anyone else though... I realise I sound niave though and you guys won't understand how or why I know but it's something you are just going to have to trust me on.

 

The other clients he has are older than him.... male.... or have a severe medical condition and have been referred. His job is to rehabilitate them. And 2 of them I know really well.

[Shyla88]

My body is getting there but it's my own fault I train hard and keep falling off the diet wagon. But I am seeing results .

[ExpatInItaly]

Regardless of how well you know him or not something is off in tis situation. You have a man repeatedly acting 'boyfriend' on you and yet keeping you at arms length. This has been going on a for a year, so if it was ever going to change into something more it would have by now.

 

The bottom line is, while you are emotionally tied up here you won't be likely to accept the advances of someone who does want to move things forward with you. You can't, all your emotions are tied up with your trainer.

 

One more question, you've been training with him for a year now. Twice per week? Why isn't your body super banging' by now? It's a serious question because honestly a year is long enough for even the biggest transformations. I suspect you are not getting value for money here in terms of personal training. There's more reason than one to change trainers. He's been dicking with your time and money by sidetracking your attention into this emotional territory, perhaps taking your attention away from the fact you're not getting much result from the fitness aspect. Think about it.

 

I was about to comment on that, too.

 

Have you made substantial physical progress in the time you've been working with him? If not, why? Do you keep paying anyway for more sessions with this man?

Edited May 1, 2016 by ExpatInItaly

[Buddhist]

My body is getting there but it's my own fault I train hard and keep falling off the diet wagon. But I am seeing results .

 

Still......even if your diet is awful if you are training hard then you should still see significant difference, even just difference in muscle tone.

 

I'm not trying to make him out to be the devil here, but twice per week with a PT and then still going to the gym other days on your own. You should be seeing significant difference, unless of course what you're doing isn't very effective.

 

Friends aren't people you pay to teach you something. Friends are people who are in your life without ulterior motives. It's fine to have a friendly relationship with your trainer but you should still be holding him to account for the job you are paying him for. The whole point of a PT, is that when you fall off the wagon they get you back on track. If you're not making your goals when you want to, they pull you aside and get to the bottom of why.

 

My concern for you here is that you are actually being taken advantage of.

Edited May 1, 2016 by Buddhist

[getsmartie]

Still......even if your diet is awful if you are training hard then you should still see significant difference, even just difference in muscle tone.

 

I'm not trying to make him out to be the devil here, but twice per week with a PT and then still going to the gym other days on your own. You should be seeing significant difference, unless of course what you're doing isn't very effective.

 

Friends aren't people you pay to teach you something. Friends are people who are in your life without ulterior motives. It's fine to have a friendly relationship with your trainer but you should still be holding him to account for the job you are paying him for. The whole point of a PT, is that when you fall off the wagon they get you back on track. If you're not making your goals when you want to, they pull you aside and get to the bottom of why.

 

My concern for you here is that you are actually being taken advantage of.

 

Not true. You CANNOT out exercise a bad diet. Again I'm a trainer with a couple of degrees in health sciences.

 

OP his behavior is unacceptable and is unprofessional. For the other poster that knows trainers that bang a lot of their clients I can't speak for that but those cases really give our profession a bad name. I'm appalled and me personally have never crossed any professional boundaries with clients.

 

Good luck! .....off to run a marathon, wish me luck! ;-)

Edited May 1, 2016 by getsmartie

[Shyla88]

I am seeing results especially in muscle tone, physical fitness and health. He's very good at his job. I keep having sessions because he helps me health wise and mental health wise. I don't think he's my friend because I pay him because we do alot outside of the sessions and during that I don't pay for. He says he's not my friend because I pay him to be he genuinely cares about me. I care about him too. I don't think it's unheard of or wrong to become close friends with someone in his position he has such a positive impact on my life and we just get along great.