I'm Following My Youngest Kid Out The Door

April 25, 2016

Have not read the entire thread, but your story sounds very similar to my husbands. Early on in their marriage, his then-wife had a few flings. After one, they moved and started over, apparently did it again.

Five years into their marriage (right after the second fling) he told her that was would be leaving as soon as the their last child left home. We met six months before his last child left home.

Child left, he left... I think she was shocked, despite the fact that he had been telling her for thirteen years that she needed to go back to school or do whatever it was she needed to do to be able to stand on her own two feet.

I do admire the fact that he told her, though, despite the fact that she didn't really heed any of the warnings. I think it was a good way to handle it.

April 25, 2016

I would not tell you daughters. It will put them in the difficult position of keeping it from their mother, and one of them is likely to tell her. You absolutely do not want her to hear it from them.....it's horrible for them and then she can tell everyone she had to hear it from them.

I understand why you feel sneaky, because you're an honorable man (fellow army vet here). But your path is the best because there's no reason to think she's honorable and would not resort to any manipulative tactic she can; she might do it anyway but that can't be avoided. At least she'll have been served. You have to prepare, and don't be surprised if she becomes vindictive when she realizes you're not coming back.

She's a fool if she's truly shocked though....I can't imagine how dumb one has to be to know that after a couple of affairs and then cutting their husband off (I'm a woman btw) to still be shocked when he packs up. And I think she's probably already considered that you're high risk once the girls are out, that may be part of the reason she's talking about a cruise this summer. It would be confirmation from you that you're not immediately going anywhere.

I am conflicted on whether it's a great idea to wait until the youngest one leaves for college though, from what you've said she'll likely take it the hardest (even if she's not shocked) and starting college will already be taking her out of her comfort zone. It might actually be better if you do it now and she has the summer to process it, but you know her best.

Hold your head up high, you've no reason not to.

And if you're interested their will be other women, maybe not right away while you heal, but if you're reasonable and simply want a decent woman to treat you well there will be lots to pick from. Particularly if you're willing to entertain one close to your own age.

Best of luck.

April 25, 2016

I would not tell you daughters. It will put them in the difficult position of keeping it from their mother, and one of them is likely to tell her. You absolutely do not want her to hear it from them.....it's horrible for them and then she can tell everyone she had to hear it from them.

I understand why you feel sneaky, because you're an honorable man (fellow army vet here). But your path is the best because there's no reason to think she's honorable and would not resort to any manipulative tactic she can; she might do it anyway but that can't be avoided. At least she'll have been served. You have to prepare, and don't be surprised if she becomes vindictive when she realizes you're not coming back.

She's a fool if she's truly shocked though....I can't imagine how dumb one has to be to know that after a couple of affairs and then cutting their husband off (I'm a woman btw) to still be shocked when he packs up. And I think she's probably already considered that you're high risk once the girls are out, that may be part of the reason she's talking about a cruise this summer. It would be confirmation from you that you're not immediately going anywhere.

I am conflicted on whether it's a great idea to wait until the youngest one leaves for college though, from what you've said she'll likely take it the hardest (even if she's not shocked) and starting college will already be taking her out of her comfort zone. It might actually be better if you do it now and she has the summer to process it, but you know her best.

Hold your head up high, you've no reason not to.

And if you're interested their will be other women, maybe not right away while you heal, but if you're reasonable and simply want a decent woman to treat you well there will be lots to pick from. Particularly if you're willing to entertain one close to your own age.

Best of luck.

I agree with this, especially the parts bolded. I've known a couple of people who waited until the fall of their youngest's freshman year and that was very hard on the child.

April 26, 2016

I think perhaps we have seen real vindictive or high emotional responses in some stories here on LS. Moving all the stuff (not just his) out of the home, burning the furniture on the lawn (sorry Betrayed H ), changing the locks on the doors, posting on the internet of all the WS's affair details, legal filings to take the whole home and kids, and so much more.

OP's plan seems mild in comparison.

I might suggest he call his older daughters about an hour before mom finds out, and suggest they go spend the weekend with their youngest at college.

I don't think the couch burning was "vindictive." At least it didn't seem that way to me. I thought it was more a 'permanent removal of that taint from the house.'

I mean, if it was his wife's beloved couch passed down through five generations etc. That would be different.....

In this case IF IT WAS just a sneak move-out, that would seem like a strike back.

But OP said point-blank, he's going to serve his wife himself. That's shooting straight. That's respect.

April 26, 2016

would you be interested at all in saving the marriage? I mean if you could find a way to make it work? Is the investment of all these years not worth another look?

I found a way an am so happy for doing so. Still hard work but worth it.

I've spent fifteen years trying to save this marriage. To have done so, I would have had a wife who was truly remorseful and willing to work on herself to make sure she never did this to us again. Well that did not happen.

I do not want this marriage. I do not love my wife anymore. There is nothing to save. It has all been nothing but theater for the last thirteen years or so.

April 26, 2016

The happiest and most restful times I have are when I'm on 48 hour duty at the fire station like I am now. I stay here for two days away from her and it is bliss. The chief always asks why I volunteer for extended shift.

April 26, 2016

However you decide to leave, do it in a way that fits into your view of integrity. You will know for yourself what that will look like. If you can look in the mirror and feel good about the man looking back at you, you will know you are on the right track.

Your wife? If she is religious, she will have lots of support in her church. She will be okay. She may even move on to a new relationship with a new man, and she will be fine.

If you don't mind a suggestion, take some time for yourself and maybe do some traveling once all the legal issues have been worked through. See your country or the rest of the world, and enjoy yourself. It will not only give you a change of scenery, t will allow you to be away in the immediacy of your marriage ending. That way, you will be divorced and won't have to cope with pressure from your ex-wife, her family, etc.

It also sounds like you take a lot of pleasure int he simple things in life. That's really nice, and not something one tends to hear a lot of. If and when you ever find yourself looking for companionship, there will be women who will be interested. It sounds like you have a good heart and a kind nature, and that will draw women to you who care about those things, whether you are looking for a love interest or just a female friend.

April 26, 2016

Well oldshirt, one never knows. All I can say is that women never approach me or flirt with me or show any interest. It has always been that way. I think that is why maybe I stayed with my wife, because I convinced myself I would never land another woman.

Don't sell yourself short. There are women out there who would love to be with a guy like you.

Give yourself some time to adjust to single life though. Find out more about who you are on your own. Treat yourself to new hobbies and experiences.

Be happy

April 26, 2016

I would just walk out the door. Keep it to yourself. As soon as you walk out you could tell your daughters.

End contact--no phone calls, texts, opening the door to her, emails, etc. Forever. Get a new phone with a private phone number. Have your mediator or lawyer talk to her for you.

April 26, 2016

I've spent fifteen years trying to save this marriage. To have done so, I would have had a wife who was truly remorseful and willing to work on herself to make sure she never did this to us again. Well that did not happen.

I do not want this marriage. I do not love my wife anymore. There is nothing to save. It has all been nothing but theater for the last thirteen years or so.

This is how my parents divorced. When the youngest went to college they separated. Honestly, they were so dysfunctional together over the two decades they were married, that the kids were elated they divorced. And they actually have a better relationship now than when married. We still do holidays together, my mom just invited my father over to help babysit my daughter over the weekend! No of that would have happened if they were still married.

Some people just aren't compatible but it doesn't mean it can't be better once separated. Life is too short to stay in a marriage where you are miserable. If you feel you have exhausted every avenue and put in a fair effort to try it then drop the other end of the rope and be free.

April 28, 2016

Thank you all for your input. You have all given me some things to think about.

Last night I confided in my oldest daughter. I told her of my plans to divorce her mom. She was very understanding and told me that she felt I was doing the right thing. She told me that she cannot remember the last time she saw me happy and she wants me to be happy again. So she will keep it a secret until I figure out the way I'm going to go about it.

Some of you will probably chide me for putting her in this position, but she is 23 and very mature for her age. She is very trustworthy and will keep mum about it until I decide what to do I feel a bit of relief letting her know.

April 28, 2016

Thank you all for your input. You have all given me some things to think about.

Last night I confided in my oldest daughter. I told her of my plans to divorce her mom. She was very understanding and told me that she felt I was doing the right thing. She told me that she cannot remember the last time she saw me happy and she wants me to be happy again. So she will keep it a secret until I figure out the way I'm going to go about it.

Some of you will probably chide me for putting her in this position, but she is 23 and very mature for her age. She is very trustworthy and will keep mum about it until I decide what to do I feel a bit of relief letting her know.

You're right. I don't think that is fair to your daughter. The others are going to ask if she knew. You've put her in a position to either have to lie or hurt some feelings.

It's done though and all you can do is keep moving forward.

April 28, 2016

Thank you all for your input. You have all given me some things to think about.

Last night I confided in my oldest daughter. I told her of my plans to divorce her mom. She was very understanding and told me that she felt I was doing the right thing. She told me that she cannot remember the last time she saw me happy and she wants me to be happy again. So she will keep it a secret until I figure out the way I'm going to go about it.

Some of you will probably chide me for putting her in this position, but she is 23 and very mature for her age. She is very trustworthy and will keep mum about it until I decide what to do I feel a bit of relief letting her know.

You've let her into your inner world. That's something which preserves relationship trust, the sense of knowing someone. This is why we've been recommending to you that you not go the "surprise divorce" route... particularly regarding those relationships you mean to keep.

While I would agree that asking her to keep a secret puts her in a very awkward situation, by telling her the truth, you saw that it wasn't the end of the world. You're feeling relief and establishing trust with your daughter.

Why not just come out with it altogether? Yeah, there's going to be some blow-back here and there, but that's going to happen anyway. The important thing is that a few weeks or even months of dealing with the fallout now can prevent years and even decades of hard-feelings later.

If you're certain of your decision, all you need is to be firm in your resolve with people.

April 28, 2016

This is not about payback or revenge. This is about me having only one life to live. I have one chance at happiness and that is with and by myself. I will never find it with her.

Be careful though. I read an article (if I can find it I will link it) about devastating effects on young people who leave for college and their parents immediately divorce. It is a heavy burden for them to feel that they were responsible for a whole marriage. Of course they weren't, but it's a rough transition as it is, even without the break up.

I'm not suggesting you don't do what you need to do. Maybe I am suggesting not blindsiding the whole family, but instead, bringing it all out in the open.

April 28, 2016

Be careful though. I read an article (if I can find it I will link it) about devastating effects on young people who leave for college and their parents immediately divorce. It is a heavy burden for them to feel that they were responsible for a whole marriage. Of course they weren't, but it's a rough transition as it is, even without the break up.

I'm not suggesting you don't do what you need to do. Maybe I am suggesting not blindsiding the whole family, but instead, bringing it all out in the open.

When a dissolution of marriage petition is filed, it becomes public record and is out in the open.

I also question whether young adult college students are "devastated" when their parents divorce.

They may be concerned and they may be inconvenienced to go to two different houses when they come back for Thanksgiving break, but I think "devastated" is a little over the top.

They aren't being abandoned and they are not being abused and neither parent is turning their back on them or denying them parental involvement.

There is nothing to be 'devastated' about.

Edited April 28, 2016 by oldshirt

April 28, 2016

When a dissolution of marriage petition is filed, it becomes public record and is out in the open.

I also question whether young adult college students are "devastated" when their parents divorce.

They may be concerned and they may be inconvenienced to go to two different houses when they come back for Thanksgiving break, but I think "devastated" is a little over the top.

They aren't being abandoned and they are not being abused and neither parent is turning their back on them or denying them parental involvement.

Their is nothing to be 'devastated' about.

Families don't just stop because the parents get divorced or the kids are gone off to college. There's still family events, weddings, reunions, grandchildren, etc. How the OP handles his decision to divorce now will affect ALL of those future events.

I don't understand the whole idea of staying 15 years in a marriage where you really don't want to be, all for the sake of the children... and then people recommending he toss an emotional hand-grenade behind him on the way out the door. []. The whole point of staying for the kids is so you can continue to keep them healthy and be a part of their lives.

[]

There are still going to be tears, pleading, and drama. The difference is that as he engages with his family, is firm (but kind) in his resolve.. there's a sense of closure, no questions asked that haven't been answered. Divorce is wounding, but it doesn't have to leave deep scars that extend so far into the future.

Edited May 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Non-compliant content redacted and member moderated

April 29, 2016

Families don't just stop because the parents get divorced or the kids are gone off to college. There's still family events, weddings, reunions, grandchildren, etc. How the OP handles his decision to divorce now will affect ALL of those future events.

I don't mean this to sound flippant, but divorce does affect those things yes. That is a no brainer.

But also, just as you said, families don't stop being families because of divorce or the kids are off to college. People still attend weddings and reunions and bounce grandbabies on their knee even after a divorce.

Why are we acting like those things aren't still going to exist for people that get divorced?

I don't understand the whole idea of staying 15 years in a marriage where you really don't want to be, all for the sake of the children... and then people recommending he toss an emotional hand-grenade behind him on the way out the door. It's bizarre. The whole point of staying for the kids is so you can continue to keep them healthy and be a part of their lives.

The argument of whether people "should" stay for the children is a whole other argument. I'm not saying that him staying was the wisest decision or the best. But by his own admission, it was 15 years of misery for him. So why stay any longer?? I don't think there is a point of no return at which once someone stays past a certain point they must stay forever.

I'm sorry but if you unabashedly cheat on your spouse and then turn you back on them for the next 15 years, you forfeit any rights you have to them playing nice. As far as I'm concerned he can walk out of the middle of dinner or just simply not return home one evening. She has had way more than she was ever entitled to. She has no room to bitch.

As far as the kids, they are adults. Their parents personal life is none of their business. sorry, it just isn't.

Yes, there will be a little more coordination and planning that will need to take place on the holidays, but give them some credit, they can figure it out.

Noone is saying that either the mom or the dad is going to abandon them and stop being an involved parent to them. These are adults. These are not babies or toddlers that need 24/7 hands on care by two parents for their well being. They are going to be wrapped up in their own business and their own lives and other than holiday scheduling are not going to have any real-world problems with this.

Who's going to be invited to the holidays?.. weddings?.. baptisms?.. funerals?

People are going to invite whoever they want just like they would anyway. I don't see what that has to do with the price of tea in China. People invite who they want whether someone is married or divorced. Edited May 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Properly format quote/response and redact responses to sanctioned content

April 30, 2016

The happiest and most restful times I have are when I'm on 48 hour duty at the fire station like I am now. I stay here for two days away from her and it is bliss. The chief always asks why I volunteer for extended shift.

Thank you for being a firefighter. Takes a special person to do the job.

Hope at least you and your soon to be ex can be on good terms in the future for your kids sake.

April 30, 2016

Dude..my hats off to you. You did your best. Based on the content of your original post, I would zip it from anybody, dodge the cruise, and execute as the youngest goes off to college....tell your kids before your wife.

April 30, 2016

I don't mean this to sound flippant, but divorce does affect those things yes. That is a no brainer.

But also, just as you said, families don't stop being families because of divorce or the kids are off to college. People still attend weddings and reunions and bounce grandbabies on their knee even after a divorce. <snip>

Oldshirt is exactly right with the above. My H left his previous marriage when his last child left for college, that was nearly twenty years ago.

Everyone survived, everyone gets along, we are all invited to all events, we all bounce the grandkids.... It will be fine

Edited May 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact full quote poster merely agreed with

April 30, 2016

Well, if we're going by anecdotal evidence then.. my father didn't show up at my high school graduation because he knew my mother would be there. When I miscarried my first child, same thing. When I got married, my step-father walked me down the aisle.

He chose not to deal with my mother or her bitterness at the outset, and having refused to face it from the first, had even more trouble dealing with it later as it grew. Instead, he left me and my siblings to do that.

April 30, 2016

Well, if we're going by anecdotal evidence then.. my father didn't show up at my high school graduation because he knew my mother would be there. When I miscarried my first child, same thing. When I got married, my step-father walked me down the aisle.

He chose not to deal with my mother or her bitterness at the outset, and having refused to face it from the first, had even more trouble dealing with it later as it grew. Instead, he left me and my siblings to do that.

Sounds pretty darn selfish. My H will always put doing right by the kids before his feelings about his XW. His XW does the same.

Edited to add: he drew up papers and left. There was really no discussion. His XW was not thrilled, despite him telling her for years that he was leaving with last child.

Life goes on.

Edited April 30, 2016 by WasOtherWoman

May 1, 2016

Yup. Life goes on. The question for the OP though is does he want to be a part of it?

[]

As far as the pastor and the church ladies go, he should look them right in the eye and say, "hey, you made sure that you were first and I was a far distant 5th, 8th, or 10th. Pound sand." But for the STBXW and the daughters, they should have his real feelings and his firm, but kind, resolve.

Edited May 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Non-compliant content redacted and member moderated

May 1, 2016

Families don't just stop because the parents get divorced or the kids are gone off to college. There's still family events, weddings, reunions, grandchildren, etc. How the OP handles his decision to divorce now will affect ALL of those future events.<snip>

[]

I didn't divorce because I wanted to be there with my girls every day. I wanted to watch them grow up, and most importantly I wanted to do what I could to minimize their mother's influence on them. I did pretty well with the two older girls, but my youngest, unfortunately, is starting to show the same selfish, self centered traits her mother has.

I don't have to justify staying around for fifteen years in an unfulfilling marriage to you or anybody. I did what I felt was the right thing to do. Leaving her in about two months will also be the right thing to do -- for me.

Edited May 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Response to redacted content edited

May 1, 2016

And my wife is not from the town we live in.

If I had divorced her back then, she would have taken my girls and moved back to her home state and there would not have been a thing I could have done to stop her. My state is notorious for its lack of fathers' rights.

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