Finally found a good guy...but am not physically attracted to him

[Cinnamonstix]

Not getting your last sentence.

 

Are you suggesting she fake the desire and passion?

 

Again, they already kissed, she did not like it. Felt zero attraction.

 

Oh, I must've misread the thread. I thought people were urging her to kiss him because she hadn't yet.

 

But anyway, I do think people have to make out rather than just kiss, unless the first kiss was awful.

[katiegrl]

Oh, I must've misread the thread. I thought people were urging her to kiss him because she hadn't yet.

 

But anyway, I do think people have to make out rather than just kiss, unless the first kiss was awful.

 

No worries, I made that mistake too.

 

No one realized they had kissed until like page three, when she finally returned and told us.

 

It would have been helpful if she had mentioned that little tidbit in her opening post, but better late than never I guess.

 

Maybe they can get drunk together and have that heavy make out session!

 

See how that plays out!

 

Just a thought.

Edited April 17, 2016 by katiegrl

[scorpiogirl]

No worries, I made that mistake too.

 

No one realized they had kissed until like page three, when she finally returned and told us.

 

It would have been helpful if she had mentioned that little tidbit in her opening post, but better late than never I guess.

 

Maybe they can get drunk together and have that heavy make out session!

 

See how that plays out!

 

Just a thought.

 

If you need to get drunk to kiss someone you're dating, you probably shouldn't pursue anything further. And if this guy is any kind of gentleman, he's not going to go with the lowering of inhibitions with alcohol. That's a slippery slope nobody wants to go down.

 

You're not feeling it, so just end it. You're doing neither one of you a favour by continuing this.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I saw him last night and I still feel zero attraction. It was really bad when we were sitting next to each other on a couch in a bar and he kept sitting close to me so that our arms and shouldrs touched. Then he would lean in even more to talk and I would unconciously move away so that we are not touching. I wasn't aware of it until he noticed and basically asked me why I am moving away from him

 

I hav decided to end it.

[Eternal Sunshine]

There are 4 levels of attraction for me:

 

1. Hot, want to rip each other's clothes off

This is rare but the guy I was with on and off last year was like that - he was a decent guy too, we just had nothing in common and he was permanetely moving to a city I would never live in - so we ended it.

 

2. Warm affection

This is when I enjoy holding hands and cuddling but am not super sexually attracted. My last LTR was like that and I was happy enough in that area. I would prefer combination of this type of attraction with LTR compatibility rather than type 1 attraction and low compatibility.

 

3. Nothing.

Touching this guy is the same as touching say, a table or a chair. I feel nothing. It usually quickly morphs into attraction 2 or 4.

 

4. Actively repulsed.

 

I would say that the last guy was 3.5 on that scale.

 

I need 1 or 2 attraction to be happy in a relationship. Can't go lower than that even at a risk of staying single forever.

[SJC2008]

In the past you have expressed some not so positive feelings about relationships on a few occasions so do you think that maybe him being available is a good part of what turns you off?

 

My money is on this and it's not meant as a jab at her. I was the male version of this. I ran from women who liked me (although not many) and was atrracted to controlling, EU women.

 

 

OP, no wone can force you to go against your gut/level of attraction but it might be worth a try. Not an easy situation either way, I know you don't want to string him along either, I don't know what to say....

[Cinnamonstix]

There are 4 levels of attraction for me:

 

1. Hot, want to rip each other's clothes off

This is rare but the guy I was with on and off last year was like that - he was a decent guy too, we just had nothing in common and he was permanetely moving to a city I would never live in - so we ended it.

 

2. Warm affection

This is when I enjoy holding hands and cuddling but am not super sexually attracted. My last LTR was like that and I was happy enough in that area. I would prefer combination of this type of attraction with LTR compatibility rather than type 1 attraction and low compatibility.

 

3. Nothing.

Touching this guy is the same as touching say, a table or a chair. I feel nothing. It usually quickly morphs into attraction 2 or 4.

 

4. Actively repulsed.

 

I would say that the last guy was 3.5 on that scale.

 

I need 1 or 2 attraction to be happy in a relationship. Can't go lower than that even at a risk of staying single forever.

 

I didn't realize it was that bad. You should call it quits.

[Eternal Sunshine]

My money is on this and it's not meant as a jab at her. I was the male version of this. I ran from women who liked me (although not many) and was atrracted to controlling, EU women.

 

 

OP, no wone can force you to go against your gut/level of attraction but it might be worth a try. Not an easy situation either way, I know you don't want to string him along either, I don't know what to say....

 

I have considered this. This is basically THE ONLY reason I push myself to date guys I am not attracted to.

 

So my problem is this: say I am somehow blocking myself from feeling the attraction to available, good guys. Also say I am somehow exaggerating when I feel like someone is not treating me right as an excuse to not be in relationship (another reason I stopped dating some guys).

 

That would mean that I can't trust my insticts at all. If I have no insticts to guide who I am attracted to and who is not treating me right, on what basis should I select who to date? How do I know when I am just genuinely not attracted? How do I know when someone is really being an *********?

 

I am not sure what the answers are but they surely can't be pushing myself to date guys that I feel borderline repulsed to...

[Emilia]

I have considered this. This is basically THE ONLY reason I push myself to date guys I am not attracted to.

 

So my problem is this: say I am somehow blocking myself from feeling the attraction to available, good guys. Also say I am somehow exaggerating when I feel like someone is not treating me right as an excuse to not be in relationship (another reason I stopped dating some guys).

 

That would mean that I can't trust my insticts at all. If I have no insticts to guide who I am attracted to and who is not treating me right, on what basis should I select who to date? How do I know when I am just genuinely not attracted? How do I know when someone is really being an *********?

 

I am not sure what the answers are but they surely can't be pushing myself to date guys that I feel borderline repulsed to...

 

I think a lot of people shouldn't trust their gut feel. I completely disagree with it being advocated constantly all over the place. Surely instincts are largely about how you had been conditioned growing up and many of us come from dysfunctional backgrounds.

 

I deal with this by rationally looking in from the outside. Trying to have a fully rational view of the person's character. The difficulty for me is not to be too hard on myself and I'm still learning that, that's where sometimes I exaggerate people's imperfections.

 

I don't find it hard distinguishing good guys from the bad though.

[katiegrl]

I think a lot of people shouldn't trust their gut feel. I completely disagree with it being advocated constantly all over the place. Surely instincts are largely about how you had been conditioned growing up and many of us come from dysfunctional backgrounds.

 

I deal with this by rationally looking in from the outside. Trying to have a fully rational view of the person's character. The difficulty for me is not to be too hard on myself and I'm still learning that, that's where sometimes I exaggerate people's imperfections.

 

I don't find it hard distinguishing good guys from the bad though.

 

I agree with you.

 

Some people should not trust their gut, especially when those people suffer from deep-rooted underlying fears of intimacy/commitment that would prevent them from trusting relationships in general, nevermind themselves, others and their gut.

 

JMO but people who have these types of fears and do things that sabotage any and every RL they might want to embark on, whether consciously or not, should seek help in an attempt to resolve these fears before they begin their dating journey again.

 

Otherwise the same thing will keep happening, rinse and repeat, over and over.

 

But for most emotionally healthy people, I think trusting your own gut and intuition is the right way to go. Among other things of course, like looking at someone's character, actions, etc. As you said.

 

But even then, looking at all that, what is your gut telling you about this person? It is important to pay attention to that.

 

Again JMO.

Edited April 18, 2016 by katiegrl

[Ariadne]

on what basis should I select who to date? How do I know when I am just genuinely not attracted? How do I know when someone is really being an *********?...

 

At this point my advice to you is to find the most handsome and tallest guy and get pregnant.

[hippychick3]

There are 4 levels of attraction for me:

 

1. Hot, want to rip each other's clothes off

This is rare but the guy I was with on and off last year was like that - he was a decent guy too, we just had nothing in common and he was permanetely moving to a city I would never live in - so we ended it.

 

2. Warm affection

This is when I enjoy holding hands and cuddling but am not super sexually attracted. My last LTR was like that and I was happy enough in that area. I would prefer combination of this type of attraction with LTR compatibility rather than type 1 attraction and low compatibility.

 

3. Nothing.

Touching this guy is the same as touching say, a table or a chair. I feel nothing. It usually quickly morphs into attraction 2 or 4.

 

4. Actively repulsed.

 

I would say that the last guy was 3.5 on that scale.

 

I need 1 or 2 attraction to be happy in a relationship. Can't go lower than that even at a risk of staying single forever.

 

Going by this scale, nobody should settle for less than a 2...maybe a 1.5.

 

You can't ever move from a 3.5 to a 2. Even the great guys I had dated that weren't doing it for me and eventually made me break it off with them were between a 2 and 3.

[RedPurpleOrange]

At this point my advice to you is to find the most handsome and tallest guy and get pregnant.

 

 

Good afternoon, young lady...how may I assist you?

(strokes chin)

[Eternal Sunshine]

I think a lot of people shouldn't trust their gut feel. I completely disagree with it being advocated constantly all over the place. Surely instincts are largely about how you had been conditioned growing up and many of us come from dysfunctional backgrounds.

 

I deal with this by rationally looking in from the outside. Trying to have a fully rational view of the person's character. The difficulty for me is not to be too hard on myself and I'm still learning that, that's where sometimes I exaggerate people's imperfections.

 

I don't find it hard distinguishing good guys from the bad though.

 

The problem is that our instincts push us in the direction of being comfortable. People would never overcome any fear if they just followed their instincts.

 

I'm by far most comfortable being single so my gut always tends to be drawn to that direction.

[joseb]

 

I'm by far most comfortable being single so my gut always tends to be drawn to that direction.

 

 

So why are you looking for a relationship then?

[Eternal Sunshine]

So why are you looking for a relationship then?

 

To fit what society thinks is right. I'm sick of people constantly telling me that there must be something wrong with me or that I'm single because nobody wants me. When I'm in a relationship the whole world treats me differently. Even when I'm miserable in a relationship.

 

What I truly want to do is stay single until I meet someone I'm genuinely attracted to and interested in.

[Rejected Rosebud]

To fit what society thinks is right. I'm sick of people constantly telling me that there must be something wrong with me or that I'm single because nobody wants me. When I'm in a relationship the whole world treats me differently. Even when I'm miserable in a relationship.

 

So it's better to be miserable within yourself as long as "society" treats you a certain way??:confused: I think I'd prefer to be living my life on my own without the miserable relationship. To heck with "society" don't let what other people think run your life!!

[Chris2016]

OP, just curious, what's your age?

[Jabron1]

The problem is that our instincts push us in the direction of being comfortable. People would never overcome any fear if they just followed their instincts.

 

I'm by far most comfortable being single so my gut always tends to be drawn to that direction.

 

Speak for yourself, Mrs.

 

My instincts push me in the direction of trouble.

 

To fit what society thinks is right. I'm sick of people constantly telling me that there must be something wrong with me or that I'm single because nobody wants me. When I'm in a relationship the whole world treats me differently. Even when I'm miserable in a relationship.

 

What I truly want to do is stay single until I meet someone I'm genuinely attracted to and interested in.

 

You're a follower.

 

Society is a bloody mess. Who cares?

 

Most of these idiots aren't even happy anyway - just keeping up appearances.

 

Why be a sheep, when you can be the wolf?

[Eternal Sunshine]

OP, just curious, what's your age?

 

Mid 30s.

Are you going to tell me that I am running out of time? I have never wanted children so concept of time is not important to me. It's important to other people though

[xxoo]

To fit what society thinks is right. I'm sick of people constantly telling me that there must be something wrong with me or that I'm single because nobody wants me. When I'm in a relationship the whole world treats me differently. Even when I'm miserable in a relationship.

 

What I truly want to do is stay single until I meet someone I'm genuinely attracted to and interested in.

 

Is it society, or is it family and friends?

 

We all have to stand up to family eventually and tell them to mind there own business.

 

The rest of society (coworkers, etc) really doesn't care if you're single or coupled. Of they seem interested, it may be because they've picked up on your discomfort surrounding the issue.

 

Live the life that genuinely makes you happy. That'll show through.

[joseb]

To fit what society thinks is right. I'm sick of people constantly telling me that there must be something wrong with me or that I'm single because nobody wants me. When I'm in a relationship the whole world treats me differently. Even when I'm miserable in a relationship.

 

What I truly want to do is stay single until I meet someone I'm genuinely attracted to and interested in.

 

If you are genuinely happy single (and it sounds like you are) then **** society.

As jabron days, a lot of the people giving you crap about being single are probably in shyte relationships themselves, and in some ways envy you.

 

I know what you are talking about though. I got the same before about being single. People just assume there is something wrong that needs to be fixed. But I'm genuinely happier single, at least for now. It will take someone extraordinary to change my mind.

[Leigh 87]

I don't know how you did it.

 

 

I cannot even feel comfortable with the no #2 option, "warm affection". I end up feeing repulsed of the spark isn't present.

 

 

And you are an individual - you are your own person. Learn to fck what everyone else thinks you should be doing. They are probably not married to the love of their life.

[SmartDude]

I mean in the LTR the attraction would fade anyway..? For women that ended up in LTRs with men without much physical attraction, do you have any tips on how to be happy in this situation?

 

What good is a flashlight without a battery?

[katiegrl]

Wanting a relationship because it's what *society* wants is about the most screwed up reason I have ever heard.

 

And so not fair to the men you get involved with!

 

You are essentially using them to please society and alleviate your discomfort because you're not conforming to society's rigid and IMO antiquated standards.

 

You are a college professor for heaven's sake, intelligent, educated.

 

One would assume you would be able to rise above what society thinks...at this stage in your life.

 

Be true to yourself!

 

And I am sorry, but as long as your mind set is preferring to be single, you will never meet a man good enough to want a relationship with. There will *always* be something wrong, because you don't want a relationship, with anyone, you want to be single!

 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being single by the way...

 

Again, be true to yourself!

Edited April 19, 2016 by katiegrl