Rejected Rosebud Posted April 16, 2016 Share Posted April 16, 2016 I'm kind of surprised that you've agreed to be exclusive when you haven't even kissed. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted April 16, 2016 Share Posted April 16, 2016 What happened to the OP? She hasn't returned since creating her original post..... Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted April 16, 2016 Share Posted April 16, 2016 I think there's a few different opinions being pontificated about appearance considerations and societal expectations, but I think they missed OPs point. Objectively, he's an average dude and she's dated less attractive dudes who she felt better with. To me, it's not about this guys appearance or OP being/not being shallow. It has to do with body language and expression. I second this. While he's a good guy, his personality is missing that special sauce (confidence, masculinity, charm, whatever it is) that gets the engine running. If he had it, he would certainly have kissed you by now. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted April 16, 2016 Share Posted April 16, 2016 I second this. While he's a good guy, his personality is missing that special sauce (confidence, masculinity, charm, whatever it is) that gets the engine running. If he had it, he would certainly have kissed you by now. Assuming HE is attracted to her. Perhaps they are only meant to be friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted April 16, 2016 Share Posted April 16, 2016 I have already agreed to be exclusive and am not seeing others. I always thought that finding a personality click is so much more important than the physical. Do your personalities click? How do your personalities click? Do you laugh together? Do you get each other? Do you feel like he has your back? Can you talk and talk and talk until one of you nods off? Basically, what is it about your personalities that click? The description you gave suggests you have things in common, but having things in common isn't the same as clicking with someone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 16, 2016 Share Posted April 16, 2016 It happens. Before you throw in the towel, take a look at him and ask yourself if he reminds you of anyone you don't like, just to eliminate association problems. Once this really cute guy was friendly with me and I hadn't even considered him and it finally occurred to me after seeing a photo that he reminded me of this guy who had been an evil butt too me in college. Once I figured that out, I told him that and we got closer. But I know it can happen. The attraction is just flat sometimes, despite all logic. I once dated a guy who looked good on paper. Son of a newspaper editor, classic preppy good looks (admittedly, preppy wasn't at all to my taste, however), and he was flying himself to come see me regularly. But nothing ever gelled. It was his personality and interests. Except for animals, we had little in common. He wasn't aggressive at all and wasn't trying to have sex yet. I got tired of being the one to make conversation and stopped saying he could come for the weekend. He married the next woman he met, who I'm sure he had a lot more in common with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted April 16, 2016 Share Posted April 16, 2016 As a woman I can attest it doesn't work that way . Sex doesn't make me more attached than e.g. having lunch together. Actually the lunch will make me more attached because there is talking involved... But with your second paragraph I totally agree! Women bond emotionally with a man after sex. While we all are emotional human beings, but women get attached more after sex ( I'm a guy. Have read around on net ). If you are not physically attracted to him , no point in pursuing it any further.It will make your ' relationship ' unfulfilled , both him and you.It will spread into every other aspect and ruin it. Even if you are not boinking every waking minute but the desire should be there. Link to post Share on other sites
hippychick3 Posted April 16, 2016 Share Posted April 16, 2016 As a woman I can attest it doesn't work that way . Sex doesn't make me more attached than e.g. having lunch together. Actually the lunch will make me more attached because there is talking involved... But with your second paragraph I totally agree! I agree. I had sex with one of the great guys I was not attracted to, and it did NOT bond me to him. I can only bond through sex with someone to whom I feel attracted before sex. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
thecrucible Posted April 16, 2016 Share Posted April 16, 2016 I agree with you that personality is more important for me ultimately than what a man looks like and I try to look for this foremost because I think it's easy to reject a man too quickly and assume he's not a good match because he's not good at building sexual tension. I think that the test will be the kiss. If you're not feeling it then you shouldn't beat yourself about it as there will be plenty of men who reject women for this very reason. I think a month means you have given it a good shot. I can totally see your dilemma. I'm in two minds because I think I should be realistic about looking for a man and not get caught up in flights of fancy and wanting to find the ultimate prize; at the same I have been in a relationship in which I didn't feel enough attraction and although it was happy most of the time the doubts were always under the surface and were felt more during difficult periods. In other relationships where attraction has been there (on my side) it's not something I spent any time thinking about. Link to post Share on other sites
thecrucible Posted April 16, 2016 Share Posted April 16, 2016 I agree. I had sex with one of the great guys I was not attracted to, and it did NOT bond me to him. I can only bond through sex with someone to whom I feel attracted before sex. I agree with this as well. I know through experience. If you're not sure before sex, you don't want to let it get that far. For me, for sex to make me bond to the man, there has be something I'm feeling strongly before we have sex. I have had trouble bonding even with men I have felt attracted to after having sex because I didn't feel a romantic pull or didn't trust them enough so I think it's more than just physical attraction but there has to be a certain chemistry for it to happen. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Saracena Posted April 17, 2016 Share Posted April 17, 2016 I agree. I had sex with one of the great guys I was not attracted to, and it did NOT bond me to him. I can only bond through sex with someone to whom I feel attracted before sex. I could never have sex (or indeed experience anything remotely sexual ) with someone I wasn't attracted to! But then I never go out with guys I'm not attracted to in the first place. If OP is repelled by handholding or him having his arm around her, she's most certainly not going to want to have sex with him! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted April 17, 2016 Share Posted April 17, 2016 TBH I just can't imagine how arm touch/hand holding may be repulsive unless the person has bad hygiene or sth extreme. It sounds more like she's feeling ashamed / embarrassed of her associating with him - who knows why. But yeah... I find it hard to imagine having any type of intimacy with a person that you have no attraction to. Some relationships are just meant to stay on friendship level, nothing wrong with that unless one has different expectations. I could never have sex (or indeed experience anything remotely sexual ) with someone I wasn't attracted to! But then I never go out with guys I'm not attracted to in the first place. If OP is repelled by handholding or him having his arm around her, she's most certainly not going to want to have sex with him! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hippychick3 Posted April 17, 2016 Share Posted April 17, 2016 I could never have sex (or indeed experience anything remotely sexual ) with someone I wasn't attracted to! But then I never go out with guys I'm not attracted to in the first place. If OP is repelled by handholding or him having his arm around her, she's most certainly not going to want to have sex with him! He was such a great guy in every way and was actually physically attractive. I liked him a lot and we were exclusive for a couple months. I was actually HOPING that having sex with him would cause my attraction to increase. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted April 17, 2016 Author Share Posted April 17, 2016 Why do you guys think we haven't kissed? Of course he kissed me. It happened on the second date. It wasn't good and I have kept it at pecks every time he tried to kiss me since. I didn't want to kiss again until I felt at least some attraction. He would always have his hand on my leg while sitting or try to hold hands and cuddle. Imported, yes I was in a situation like this couple of years back and ended it after 3rd date. The problem is, it's EXTREMELY hard meeting guys that are honest, consistent, smart, want a relationship and don't have much baggage. It sucks that I don't feel even a little bit of attraction. Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted April 17, 2016 Share Posted April 17, 2016 I guess none of us thought you would be seeing him if kissing repulsed you so much. I did that only once and the sex repulsed me too. What's wrong with baggage? Everyone has it, it's whether you are compatible that matters. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
soph-walker Posted April 17, 2016 Share Posted April 17, 2016 Why do you guys think we haven't kissed? Of course he kissed me. It happened on the second date. It wasn't good and I have kept it at pecks every time he tried to kiss me since. I didn't want to kiss again until I felt at least some attraction. He would always have his hand on my leg while sitting or try to hold hands and cuddle. Imported, yes I was in a situation like this couple of years back and ended it after 3rd date. The problem is, it's EXTREMELY hard meeting guys that are honest, consistent, smart, want a relationship and don't have much baggage. It sucks that I don't feel even a little bit of attraction. Dear op, I understand how hard it is to meet a genuinely decent guy but you shouldn't sacrifice that zingy feeling you get when you genuinely fancy someone! I think because of the fact you have things in common, that this is mistaken for something. I would do the right thing and end it now before he gets too attached, if he isn't already. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted April 17, 2016 Share Posted April 17, 2016 In the past you have expressed some not so positive feelings about relationships on a few occasions so do you think that maybe him being available is a good part of what turns you off? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted April 17, 2016 Author Share Posted April 17, 2016 I agree. I had sex with one of the great guys I was not attracted to, and it did NOT bond me to him. I can only bond through sex with someone to whom I feel attracted before sex. In fact, having sex with someone I am not that into makes me feel even less attracted and basically repulsed. I can only bond through sex if I am really into a guy before sex. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted April 17, 2016 Share Posted April 17, 2016 (edited) Why do you guys think we haven't kissed? Of course he kissed me. It happened on the second date. It wasn't good and I have kept it at pecks every time he tried to kiss me since. I didn't want to kiss again until I felt at least some attraction. He would always have his hand on my leg while sitting or try to hold hands and cuddle. Imported, yes I was in a situation like this couple of years back and ended it after 3rd date. The problem is, it's EXTREMELY hard meeting guys that are honest, consistent, smart, want a relationship and don't have much baggage. It sucks that I don't feel even a little bit of attraction. Why do you say "of course he kissed me"? Like that is supposed to be a given in every situation? There have been a few threads (that I have read) wherein the OP stated a particular guy had NOT kissed her, in one case for almost a month and a half! Plus in your opening post, you mentioned hand holding and him putting arm around you, but did not mention kissing. So maybe that is why we thought he hadn't? I agree with Woggle. Some underlying issues going on here. And yeah, when one reaches a certain age, there is gonna be at least some baggage, unless he/she has been living under a rock. Edited April 17, 2016 by katiegrl 3 Link to post Share on other sites
soph-walker Posted April 17, 2016 Share Posted April 17, 2016 In the past you have expressed some not so positive feelings about relationships on a few occasions so do you think that maybe him being available is a good part of what turns you off? these were my thoughts initially- meeting someone who fits the bill can put you off because ita often easier to keep someone at arms length than risk investing yourself. But after reading that op feels even a little repulsed, I would hazard a guess that this isn't the case and she truly isn't attracted, especially as she's confirmed they've kissed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted April 17, 2016 Share Posted April 17, 2016 The whole 'he kissed me' 'I kept it to pecks' etc talk suggests it all happens almost against her will. She is flattered he initiates, but in stead of reciprocating she blocks because she feels repulsed. This is going to nowhere. I can empathize though because I had kind of similar experience... Even started 2 treads about the dude I guess it is not uncommon especially with smarter but socially awkward men, I really wanted to date such a man but the flirting game just never worked.. Why do you say "of course he kissed me"? Like that is supposed to be a given in every situation? There have been a few threads (that I have read) wherein the OP stated a particular guy had NOT kissed her, in one case for almost a month and a half! Plus in your opening post, you mentioned hand holding and him putting arm around you, but did not mention kissing. So maybe that is why we thought he hadn't? I agree with Woggle. Some underlying issues going on here. And yeah, when one reaches a certain age, there is gonna be at least some baggage, unless he/she has been living under a rock. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 17, 2016 Share Posted April 17, 2016 If he kissed you and "It wasn't good" and you have given him the cheek to peck on ever since then, I see no hope here, unless you want to be in a platonic relationship with the guy you are "dating". I can see a person becoming more interested gradually if there is no immediate "spark", but if after getting to the kissing stage and it isn't good, then where can it go from there? Nowhere. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted April 17, 2016 Share Posted April 17, 2016 That happened to me and my BF. If he haven't kissed me on our first date, there wouldn't be a second one ... But I felt very strong chemistry with this first kiss. I've in the meanwhile passed on a very good smart compatible guy... In retrospect the reason was he never broke the physical barrier (we had 4 dates, then I told him we'll be friends and we met a few times more but I could sense he still wanted more than friendship). Anyway, I just never got attracted because he didn't bring it to romantic level. No chemistry I think is a deal breaker unless both are ok with platonic relationship. Men get dumped because they make a physical move to fast. Men get dumped because they waited to long to make a move. Link to post Share on other sites
GoodOnPaper Posted April 17, 2016 Share Posted April 17, 2016 It's clear this isn't going anywhere and I'm surprised he isn't getting the hint. Chances are if he's getting this kind of reception from the OP, he gets it from pretty much every woman - I know that all too well. Maybe he figures stretching things out gives him some kind of chance. Just cut the guy loose. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
LookAtThisPOst Posted April 17, 2016 Share Posted April 17, 2016 Men get dumped because they make a physical move to fast. Men get dumped because they waited to long to make a move. 100% agreed...when it comes to dating women, this is the case. Also the advice given here leads to catch 22 situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts