privategal Posted April 15, 2016 Share Posted April 15, 2016 I asked my xeap when it was ending (butally) did I really go through 15 years for nothing? All the blood, sweat, tears, makeups, breakups for NOTHING? At the point I was asking this the A was long over too...we were only post A FRIENDS..platonic only. I got..."its time to close this chapter and turn the page" My point here..you either be the strong one and preserve your dignity, protect your heart, and have the peace that yes, time was wasted, mistakes were made, you will hurt and greive for a long time, but it will hurt WAY less to be the one wgo took the hard step to let go...trusting that the pain doesnt last forever and knowing you did the right thing. Sometimes the right thing and the hardest thing are the same. You hold all the power. You can be free and find your happiness once again. I know this is a tough brutal spot but you really can do it or the hard even more painful decision will be made FOR you later whether he abandons you, has a dday, whatever the case will be...the choice can be made for you and it will be painful and humiliating...or you can take control. Im rooting for you to be strong. Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted April 15, 2016 Share Posted April 15, 2016 Ronnie, I just wanted to say I'm sorry for your pain and struggle to free yourself from this connection. I understand some connections are so powerful, we literally lose ourselves and all those values we held dearly b/c we feel powerless to the power of the connection. It's a slippery slope. The time you went no contact with him wasn't long enough to give yourself any clarity or healing. It's going to suck, Ronnie. For a long time you will hurt, but as time goes on and you begin to see more of yourself, it will and does get easier. There will be pieces of you that miss him for what ever reason. But you will become more whole and stronger. Get help. Go to counseling. Rely on your friends. We are here for you. You deserve to love yourself. Get back to you. Work on that. Today. Start today. Link to post Share on other sites
Patrice Posted April 15, 2016 Share Posted April 15, 2016 As tough as it sounds .. tell him you can no longer see him. If he starts texting and calling - tell him, he needs to make a choice. Give him a time frame, like a week - and do not stay in contact with him that week. If he comes back and says it's her - walk away, and don't look back. If he says his future is with you, give him a time limit to end the other relationship - and DO not sleep with him during this period of time. This is your time, to take control of this and be strong. He has all the power here, you have none. Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted April 15, 2016 Share Posted April 15, 2016 As tough as it sounds .. tell him you can no longer see him. If he starts texting and calling - tell him, he needs to make a choice. Give him a time frame, like a week - and do not stay in contact with him that week. If he comes back and says it's her - walk away, and don't look back. If he says his future is with you, give him a time limit to end the other relationship - and DO not sleep with him during this period of time. This is your time, to take control of this and be strong. He has all the power here, you have none. Sorry Patrice, I know you come from a good place but MM do unfortunately lie, string along, say what they need to say to get what they want and need. They are weak to free sex and need the ow for ego strokes and to fill voids. Giving him a week to make a decision emds badly, he will sweet talk, gaslight, future fake. Her ultimatum cant be the way. He has to come to that on his own and weve all seen the story too many times to know the statistics and how it goes. This really should end now...from HER. No questions its the only way. Shes at a crossroads and its easy to see...she wants out..its just the scary step to pull the plug, to let go. But its to a point that holding on is actually hurting more than letting go. Why carry this hurt and weight any more. Just be strong and make the decision and start fresh in a new path. This hard choice will make the future brighter even if it doesnt feel that way right now. Its a dead end. End it today. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ronnie33 Posted May 22, 2016 Author Share Posted May 22, 2016 Im struggling with with NC and anger. My story is on here. I've only been in NC a few days and this is my third attempt. Today I have had the craziest urge to tell his fiancé that he's been cheating on her the whole time. I know I'm angry and hurt and that's why I won't tell her but I can't stop thinking about it. I honestly want him to hurt as much as I do but I don't want to hurt her. I know that probably sounds nuts. I'm just so angry at myself for letting it go on for three years and for nothing. His life moves on perfect and I'm here going through a divorce, living on my own, while he is about to marry the love of his life in 4 months who he's been cheating in the whole time. I don't know what is wrong with me tonight. Anyway, I just needed to get it out. I'm so angry at myself, at him and hurt and it feels like I'm going to explode. Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted May 22, 2016 Share Posted May 22, 2016 Why won't you tell her? She deserves to know. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ronnie33 Posted May 22, 2016 Author Share Posted May 22, 2016 I'll ruin her life, she's getting married to him in four months. That's a huge devastation. I know that sounds crazy because I've been in an affair with her fiancé since before she was even around but I can't ruin her life like that. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 I'll ruin her life, she's getting married to him in four months. That's a huge devastation. I know that sounds crazy because I've been in an affair with her fiancé since before she was even around but I can't ruin her life like that. Her life is already ruined. He's been with you the whole time. Their relationship, engagement and soon to be married is all based on a lie! If you were in that situation and your fiance was cheating on you the whole time, would you want to know before you married him that he had an OW? My guess is you would, even if it hurt you like heck. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
burnt Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 I'll ruin her life, she's getting married to him in four months. That's a huge devastation. I know that sounds crazy because I've been in an affair with her fiancé since before she was even around but I can't ruin her life like that. Ronnie, If the roles were reversed, if you were in her shoes, if you were getting married to this man in four months, and someone out there knew of his secrets, his ugly secrets, would you want this someone to tell you so that YOU could make an informed decision about whether or not to go forward with the wedding? This woman is about to get MARRIED--that's the biggest most intimate commitment of anyone's life! Shouldn't she know? Doesn't she have the right to know? You think anyone wants to be married to someone with secrets like this man has? Yes, if she were to know his secrets NOW it would hurt her tremendously, but how much pain would it cause her if/when she finds out AFTER she gets married and has his children? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Scorpio Chick Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 I haven't read this whole story, Ronnie33, but I think enough. This fiancee of his DEFINITELY needs to know. BEFORE she takes vows. She really has a right to know. I'm sorry you're in such heavy pain, it's palpable. I am too right now, so I empathize completely. But, take the you out of this equation that has been involved with him - if it were you, or if you have a daughter, if it were your daughter, or sister, or anyone else that you cared about, would you want them to take marriage vows with a 'man' that has been cheating on them the entire time? It's a no brainer. First, he DOESN'T deserve to have the false happiness that he's about to get. He deserves a swift kick to the curb. The more I think about it, all these 'men' that are cheating, it's soooo disgusting. Having their cake and eating it too. While everyone plays dumb. Who are these 'men'? Why are they soooo special and exempt from the real rules of life? This woman, in this particular instance, fully deserves to know WHO she is marrying. Actually, if you don't want to be the actual one to tell her, is there anyone else who knows what he's been doing who can inform her for you? I would want to know and would be pissed if someone knew and let me walk down the aisle without telling me. PISSED. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stilltrying16 Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 From the perspective of a BSO- please tell her. Or please find an indirect way for her to find out. Aside from my own experience, I read a few infidelity sites and this question comes up often. 99% of BS say they'd rather be told. That way they get to make an informed decision about the rest of their lives. Do you have his texts and emails saved? I think it would dramatically multiply her chances of actually having a happy marriage with someone who loves and respects her and isn't a lying cheating pissant. You wouldn't be ruining her life- he's already ruined a chunk of it and he would probably ruin the rest of it if they did get married. I imagine it's a very difficult thing to do. Maybe you could read around in the Infidelity section here or on a site such as Surviving Infidelity where BS post quite a bit. That might help you decide. I wish you the best, in either case. I think you've handled this very well so far. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 Why won't you tell her? She deserves to know. You and her fiancé have already ruined her life. Now it's time to tell her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ronnie33 Posted May 23, 2016 Author Share Posted May 23, 2016 I want to thank everyone for your replies and input. When him and I were just friends and his ex left him, he was devastated. We were all worried about him and when his ex 10 years earlier left him, he had a breakdown and had to go on antidepressants and be watched for a few weeks. Years ago my best friend had an exit affair with friend that was living with his gf. She left her husband and the affair went on for 3 years and finally ended. They worked together so they stayed in touch and were able to remain just friends. About a year after it ended his ex found out that the whole time he was with her he was cheating with my friend, she tried to take her own life. She had been suspicious the whole time and he would never admit it. If I was responsible for either of them harming themselves I would lose it. I know what I did was horrible but in reality they could go on and live a normal life without her ever knowing. I'm also scared of my son to be ex husband finding out, telling everyone we know and we have a young son. I don't know what his fiancé is capable of either. When we went into this we trusted eachother. I feel like I'll be looked at as the crazy OW who tells because she didn't get her man. There's so many scary things about telling the this truth. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 I want to thank everyone for your replies and input. When him and I were just friends and his ex left him, he was devastated. We were all worried about him and when his ex 10 years earlier left him, he had a breakdown and had to go on antidepressants and be watched for a few weeks. Years ago my best friend had an exit affair with friend that was living with his gf. She left her husband and the affair went on for 3 years and finally ended. They worked together so they stayed in touch and were able to remain just friends. About a year after it ended his ex found out that the whole time he was with her he was cheating with my friend, she tried to take her own life. She had been suspicious the whole time and he would never admit it. If I was responsible for either of them harming themselves I would lose it. I know what I did was horrible but in reality they could go on and live a normal life without her ever knowing. I'm also scared of my son to be ex husband finding out, telling everyone we know and we have a young son. I don't know what his fiancé is capable of either. When we went into this we trusted eachother. I feel like I'll be looked at as the crazy OW who tells because she didn't get her man. There's so many scary things about telling the this truth. Is the A over or is it still on going? If your A is on and you're telling her, your A more than likely over for good. Or he'll get kicked out of his house, the wedding is off and you may "win" him by default. Or are you over it all and even if their R ends you won't take him in? I'm not sure where you are in the sense of the A and feelings for him currently. Affairs are messy and people get hurt. Some are unstable at the end due to extreme emotions and crimes of passion can happen because of the emotions are pushed too far. HE has done this to her, HE has lied to her and played her for a fool throughout their R and engagement. Yes you had a helping hand in this too but all this fall on him. Not telling due to fears of judged isn't a good reason not to tell. I can understand the concern about the aftermath in the sense of suicide etc, so I guess just be REALLY SURE you are ready for the fallout because some of it will come your way. You can't tell and then disappear. She'll want to talk to you, maybe ask you questions. you can clear you own conscious by apologizing to her and being honest, owning your part in the A with her fiancee. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 Your posts hit everything I was thinking head on. I don't want to be apart of any of that because I know it will break me. That's why I left when he was getting engaged but here we are again. I want to find happiness too but I keepngettignsucked back in because I love him and in my head he's perfect lol, it sounds so ridiculous. He said he felt guilt after I said I did but Itndidnt last because he wants me to go there again and spend time the weekend with him. I want out, I really do. I don't want to watch his life go on while mine is on standstill. Just tell him to be with you... He can't love her if he is wanting you. I agree with the poster who said to send her a letter! Just do it and if he comes to you that's great but if he gets on his knees and begs her forgiveness and still gets married...well that's your answer right there! Do not waste any more time on someone who only wants you for sex! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ronnie33 Posted May 23, 2016 Author Share Posted May 23, 2016 Is the A over or is it still on going? If your A is on and you're telling her, your A more than likely over for good. Or he'll get kicked out of his house, the wedding is off and you may "win" him by default. Or are you over it all and even if their R ends you won't take him in? I'm not sure where you are in the sense of the A and feelings for him currently. Affairs are messy and people get hurt. Some are unstable at the end due to extreme emotions and crimes of passion can happen because of the emotions are pushed too far. HE has done this to her, HE has lied to her and played her for a fool throughout their R and engagement. Yes you had a helping hand in this too but all this fall on him. Not telling due to fears of judged isn't a good reason not to tell. I can understand the concern about the aftermath in the sense of suicide etc, so I guess just be REALLY SURE you are ready for the fallout because some of it will come your way. You can't tell and then disappear. She'll want to talk to you, maybe ask you questions. you can clear you own conscious by apologizing to her and being honest, owning your part in the A with her fiancee. We have been NC for a few days. If she found out and left him, I wohldnt want to be with him because I know it would be by default. Telling her in hopes that he'll be with me is honestly not even in my mind. Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 I want to thank everyone for your replies and input. When him and I were just friends and his ex left him, he was devastated. We were all worried about him and when his ex 10 years earlier left him, he had a breakdown and had to go on antidepressants and be watched for a few weeks. Years ago my best friend had an exit affair with friend that was living with his gf. She left her husband and the affair went on for 3 years and finally ended. They worked together so they stayed in touch and were able to remain just friends. About a year after it ended his ex found out that the whole time he was with her he was cheating with my friend, she tried to take her own life. She had been suspicious the whole time and he would never admit it. If I was responsible for either of them harming themselves I would lose it. I know what I did was horrible but in reality they could go on and live a normal life without her ever knowing. I'm also scared of my son to be ex husband finding out, telling everyone we know and we have a young son. I don't know what his fiancé is capable of either. When we went into this we trusted eachother. I feel like I'll be looked at as the crazy OW who tells because she didn't get her man. There's so many scary things about telling the this truth. If you're ending the affair part of the relationship then who cares what they think of you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ronnie33 Posted May 23, 2016 Author Share Posted May 23, 2016 Just tell him to be with you... He can't love her if he is wanting you. I agree with the poster who said to send her a letter! Just do it and if he comes to you that's great but if he gets on his knees and begs her forgiveness and still gets married...well that's your answer right there! Do not waste any more time on someone who only wants you for sex! He does love her and I believe it's possible. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ronnie33 Posted May 23, 2016 Author Share Posted May 23, 2016 If you're ending the affair part of the relationship then who cares what they think of you? I care what my family thinks and I care about someone hurting themselves. Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 I care what my family thinks and I care about someone hurting themselves. If someone commits suicide it's on them and nobody else. Take it from me..my mom tried numerous times before she died and it took years of therapy for me to not blame myself. Why would your family find out? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ronnie33 Posted May 23, 2016 Author Share Posted May 23, 2016 If someone commits suicide it's on them and nobody else. Take it from me..my mom tried numerous times before she died and it took years of therapy for me to not blame myself. Why would your family find out? He knows who my ex husband is and if she finds out and tell my ex it will be out. Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 He knows who my ex husband is and if she finds out and tell my ex it will be out. How come that wasn't an issue when you were sleeping with her husband? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ronnie33 Posted May 23, 2016 Author Share Posted May 23, 2016 How come that wasn't an issue when you were sleeping with her husband? At that point I knew the secret was safe Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ronnie33 Posted May 23, 2016 Author Share Posted May 23, 2016 If you were about to marry a man who you loved, and he had an affair but it was over. Would you really want to know and ruin the whole life you had planned? If it was over and would never happen again? Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 At that point I knew the secret was safe No...it wasn't. It never has been. Why did you bother bringing it up if it was never truly an option for you? Were you hoping someone would tell you that he's coming back? Link to post Share on other sites
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