Here I am again

[AlwaysGrowing]

Here is the part of having a deep friendship and loving someone gets tough.

 

If you truly view yourself as his friend and love him and he says (and you feel) that he loves his fiancé and his life with her.......why are you participating/encouraging him in destroying it?

 

I do believe that there are folks who love their SO and get caught up with the easy of an affair....the affair partner makes it easy.

 

More often than not those WS will come to dislike their AP after Dday. Especially if there was a friendship in the beginning. Friends do not encourage us to self destruct or hurt our own family. They come to see the selfishness of that friend...the misery loves company side.

[Ronnie33]

Ok so you are realistic - you know there will be no happily ever after. So the choice is yours. You can sit back and wait for those times you can be together (and feel terrible waiting and feel terrible afterwards) or you can go no contact and feel terrible anyway! But the NC option at least gives you a CHANCE to find happiness in the future. My XMM and I waited almost a year before we had sex. It doesn't mean anything. It just means you fall harder when you finally do.[/quote

 

Thank you. you are right about the feeling terrible. The highs aren't worth the lows at all anymore.

[Ronnie33]

Here is the part of having a deep friendship and loving someone gets tough.

 

If you truly view yourself as his friend and love him and he says (and you feel) that he loves his fiancé and his life with her.......why are you participating/encouraging him in destroying it?

 

I do believe that there are folks who love their SO and get caught up with the easy of an affair....the affair partner makes it easy.

 

More often than not those WS will come to dislike their AP after Dday. Especially if there was a friendship in the beginning. Friends do not encourage us to self destruct or hurt our own family. They come to see the selfishness of that friend...the misery loves company side.

 

I understand what you are saying. I was married when our affair started and we were friends before that. This happened and I don't think either of us ever planned for it and then we were in it deeper and deeper. When he got engaged I went NC for 3 months.

[Grey Cloud]

I understand what you are saying. I was married when our affair started and we were friends before that. This happened and I don't think either of us ever planned for it and then we were in it deeper and deeper. When he got engaged I went NC for 3 months.

 

If you managed to go 3 months NC then you know you can again! It will probably be even harder this time around but as you said the lows are not worth the highs anymore. Set yourself a goal of 3 months and I am sure you will be feeling in a better place and stronger. Tell the guy to never contact you again and if he does you will tell his fiancée. Only to protect you from falling back in when he tries to reel you back in. It's the only way forwards. I think you know that deep down. The first step is often the hardest. You can do it!

[Ronnie33]

Ronnie, I am sorry this is so hard. Props to you for getting out of it before when he got engaged. You also got out of a marriage that wasn't working. I think you will find the strength again if you keep trying. It looks like you'll have to be the one to end it. He seems like a very weak conflict-avoidant. person.

 

Like others who've posted on this thread, I'm wondering why he's staying engaged...even if he loves her, as you say, I think he doesn't love her enough. Is it a money or status thing for him? Is she rich? This marriage will have a snowball's chance in hell, and it'll be such a shame if they end up having kids and then break up.

 

 

If you want to stop seeing him, telling his fiancee will force a decision one way or the other. It'll probably be incredibly hard to do...but it will make a difference. I wish she does find out. She deserves to know the kind of life she can expect to have with him.

 

Good luck. I hope this ends in the most pain-free way for you and for her.

 

Thank you.

 

He met her ironically, after his ex gf of five years had left him for someone else.

He hated being alone and was a devastated. I wasn't available to be with him all the time because I was married. The first year they were together she left him because he wouldn't commit to her. Then when she left he asked me to leave my husband again and I said I couldn't at the time. He went back to her and ever since then they were good. He would never call off the wedding and cause shame and hurt. He hates being the bad guy and would never want anyone to look at him like that way.

[stilltrying16]

My best friend always say that if someone else came along that I really liked it wouldn't be so hard to say goodbye. He has filled a void for so long.

 

It's great that you have friends IRL to whom you can turn. Do you agree with your friend?

 

Instead of waiting for someone else to come along, take the initiative and try to see other people- or just be out and about where you are likely to meet people?

 

Sending you strength and hugs.

[Ronnie33]

Yup- I was thinking that too. It's so sick if he actually gets off on screwing her over in her own bed.

 

We didn't sleep together in their bed. Their home was bad enough but not the bed.

[Ronnie33]

It's great that you have friends IRL to whom you can turn. Do you agree with your friend?

 

Instead of waiting for someone else to come along, take the initiative and try to see other people- or just be out and about where you are likely to meet people?

 

Sending you strength and hugs.

 

I do agree. Knowing that there's no chance for us, I think if a guy came along I liked I would go for it and move on. I wouldn't want to risk someone that could be good for nothing.

[whichwayisup]

Your posts hit everything I was thinking head on. I don't want to be apart of any of that because I know it will break me. That's why I left when he was getting engaged but here we are again. I want to find happiness too but I keepngettignsucked back in because I love him and in my head he's perfect lol, it sounds so ridiculous.

 

He said he felt guilt after I said I did but Itndidnt last because he wants me to go there again and spend time the weekend with him. I want out, I really do. I don't want to watch his life go on while mine is on standstill.

 

But you friend requested him on fb and he accepted your request. You're not doing much to stay away from him.

 

Get counseling and talk to ALL your friends and family. Make yourself accountable for your own actions.

[Ronnie33]

But you friend requested him on fb and he accepted your request. You're not doing much to stay away from him.

 

Get counseling and talk to ALL your friends and family. Make yourself accountable for your own actions.

 

My friends all know. I am accountable, I said I requested him.

[whichwayisup]

My friends all know. I am accountable, I said I requested him.

 

Okay what's your next step? Would you be willing to go to counseling to learn how to cope with letting go with him? Saying goodbye to him and asking him to please respect NC and end the A?

 

No good is going to come of this and you know you're going to be hurt and left out once they marry.

 

What do your friends say? Do they support you in what you're doing or tell you to buckle up and end things with him?

[Ronnie33]

Okay what's your next step? Would you be willing to go to counseling to learn how to cope with letting go with him? Saying goodbye to him and asking him to please respect NC and end the A?

 

No good is going to come of this and you know you're going to be hurt and left out once they marry.

 

What do your friends say? Do they support you in what you're doing or tell you to buckle up and end things with him?

 

My friends all think I need to end it now. They think it's just causing too much harm to me and it's time to let him go.

 

I don't know why im so scared to let him fully go. I think in my head if I let him go then all these horrible things I did were for nothing and he gets to move on just fine.

[whichwayisup]

My friends all think I need to end it now. They think it's just causing too much harm to me and it's time to let him go.

 

I don't know why im so scared to let him fully go. I think in my head if I let him go then all these horrible things I did were for nothing and he gets to move on just fine.

 

Do a list of why you feel scared to lose him and the affair. Do another list how he truly benefits you and makes you happy. Do a list of all the negatives things about him and how he makes you feel (the bad and low times) Then do another list why it would be best to end it.

 

You don't get a say in his life lessons and his consequences and choices. Worry about yourself, not him.

 

You'll learn from this experience and grow from it. You'll learn to love and respect yourself more, not ever putting yourself in a situation where you are set up to lose and hurt a lot.

[solonely9]

Hi, Ronnie.

 

Do you want to be with this guy or not? Do you see yourself married to him, building a life with him?

[Ronnie33]

Do a list of why you feel scared to lose him and the affair. Do another list how he truly benefits you and makes you happy. Do a list of all the negatives things about him and how he makes you feel (the bad and low times) Then do another list why it would be best to end it.

 

You don't get a say in his life lessons and his consequences and choices. Worry about yourself, not him.

 

You'll learn from this experience and grow from it. You'll learn to love and respect yourself more, not ever putting yourself in a situation where you are set up to lose and hurt a lot

 

Thank you. I hope so.

[stilltrying16]

Thank you.

 

He met her ironically, after his ex gf of five years had left him for someone else.

He hated being alone and was a devastated. I wasn't available to be with him all the time because I was married. The first year they were together she left him because he wouldn't commit to her. Then when she left he asked me to leave my husband again and I said I couldn't at the time. He went back to her and ever since then they were good. He would never call off the wedding and cause shame and hurt. He hates being the bad guy and would never want anyone to look at him like that way.

 

I feel more sympathetic to him. He's been through quite a bit and doesn't have the coping strategies. His fear of being alone, his reluctance to be the bad guy....that ties him up. I wonder if he actually wants to be found out- that way she will have to end it; he won't.

 

We didn't sleep together in their bed. Their home was bad enough but not the bed.

 

I'm so sorry- I misread your post. Thanks for clarifying! The fact that you feel this bad about it says a lot about you. For him, maybe he does want to take risks because subconsciously he wants to be caught? (I should stop with the pop psychology.) But you do seem to see him clearly and objectively. Have you talked to him about these things? Would he consider IC at some point?

 

It does seem that he is drawn to women who are stronger and more decisive than he is. His fiancee left when he wouldn't commit, and you opted out too for a while. I dunno, if he works on his issues there's hope for him. But until he does, I don't know that he can be a good partner for either of you.

 

I read your other posts about the dating...that's so great. And you have a supportive circle who aren't pushovers, and you're making yourself accountable, coming here and posting, and so on....all this is promising. Please do keep posting. Much strength to you.

[Ronnie33]

I feel more sympathetic to him. He's been through quite a bit and doesn't have the coping strategies. His fear of being alone, his reluctance to be the bad guy....that ties him up. I wonder if he actually wants to be found out- that way she will have to end it; he won't.

 

 

 

I'm so sorry- I misread your post. Thanks for clarifying! The fact that you feel this bad about it says a lot about you. For him, maybe he does want to take risks because subconsciously he wants to be caught? (I should stop with the pop psychology.) But you do seem to see him clearly and objectively. Have you talked to him about these things? Would he consider IC at some point?

 

It does seem that he is drawn to women who are stronger and more decisive than he is. His fiancee left when he wouldn't commit, and you opted out too for a while. I dunno, if he works on his issues there's hope for him. But until he does, I don't know that he can be a good partner for either of you.

 

I read your other posts about the dating...that's so great. And you have a supportive circle who aren't pushovers, and you're making yourself accountable, coming here and posting, and so on....all this is promising. Please do keep posting. Much strength to you.

 

I know him very well because we were friends before the affair started. He hates conflict and will go cold. If we fight he will say what he has to say firmly and then go cold. I don't think he wants to get caught. He woul die of shame if any one found out because everyone thinks he's perfect. Not many know the dark side of him. My friends are amazing. We don't judge eachother, we are just here to support and push eachother in the right direction.

 

Thank you

[ShatteredLady]

Is the current plan to stop contact completely on his wedding day onwards? Never speak to him again?

 

Will you continue the affair after he's married? After they have children? Oh I'm so worried!! This can't go anywhere good for you. Please! Oh what a mess. This is so very wrong for ALL 3 of you. It must be soul destroying.

 

What kind of man puts a woman through such a lie of an engagement & marriage because he's too frightened to be perceived as "the bad guy" by cancelling the sham of a wedding? If he has any conscious he won't be able to speak his vows.

 

For 3 YEARS her life has been a lie. All the things he's said to her. All the things that they've done together. He's being perceived as weak & terrified of being on his own. I hope that's the truth because the alternative is beyond cruel. He wants to spend the weekend having sex with you 4-5 months before his wedding day...where is she going? Making wedding plans?

 

I'm sorry he's not a good man. Please don't say that you were married! He met, wooed, proposed marriage to this woman while having an affair with you! That's a complete lack of empathy. That's horrible.

 

If you really want him, make the ultimatum & walk away. I hope you just walk away. I'm sorry.

 

I'm so worried for you.

[Ronnie33]

Is the current plan to stop contact completely on his wedding day onwards? Never speak to him again?

 

Will you continue the affair after he's married? After they have children? Oh I'm so worried!! This can't go anywhere good for you. Please! Oh what a mess. This is so very wrong for ALL 3 of you. It must be soul destroying.

 

What kind of man puts a woman through such a lie of an engagement & marriage because he's too frightened to be perceived as "the bad guy" by cancelling the sham of a wedding? If he has any conscious he won't be able to speak his vows.

 

For 3 YEARS her life has been a lie. All the things he's said to her. All the things that they've done together. He's being perceived as weak & terrified of being on his own. I hope that's the truth because the alternative is beyond cruel. He wants to spend the weekend having sex with you 4-5 months before his wedding day...where is she going? Making wedding plans?

 

I'm sorry he's not a good man. Please don't say that you were married! He met, wooed, proposed marriage to this woman while having an affair with you! That's a complete lack of empathy. That's horrible.

 

If you really want him, make the ultimatum & walk away. I hope you just walk away. I'm sorry.

 

I'm so worried for you.

 

Thank you. My plan is to end it way before the wedding day. I don't want to be any part of that. He really does love her. I think men can just separate it better then woman can.

[stilltrying16]

Such great advice on this thread. I completely agree with everyone who has posted, and esp with whichwayisup and Shattered Lady.

 

You also seem to have the resolve, the clarity, and the support from others to make the healthier choice. Unlike so many OW/OM, you are not isolated, and you aren't deluded about him.

 

You said you want to end it way before the wedding. What sort of timeline do you have in mind? Your friends advised you to end it now. Get busy, make plans with your friends for when she is away, even leave town if you can- and you won't be tempted into that weekend he's trying to set up.

 

You said that that year of resisting each other meant nothing once you gave in. I don't agree. It shows so much resolution and strength. Like quitting cigarettes- so what if it takes a few tries. Don't get into the trap of thinking "I screwed up after trying so hard; I can't do this." You have done it. You sound so much stronger than many in a similar situation.

 

Also it's clear that you try to live your life honestly and in the open. You have wonderful friends who have your back. He on the other hand is isolated and he lives a life of shame, secrets, and darkness. Wish him well and hope he climbs out of it on his own. But don't let him drag you into it with him!

 

Back to the question that whichwayisup asked: what's the next step?

 

And what's your timeline?

 

I believe you'll do what's needed. Stay strong honey.

[BuddyX]

Please end it now, and go NC. You're just prolonging the inevitable, which is you in bed balling your eyes out on their wedding day.

 

Guess what? They'll get married and have their honeymoon. Think about that. That scenario does not involve you.

 

He's weak and a coward. God forbid the shame if someone found out. Trust me, sooner or later someone will. And no, we won't run to you when it happens.

 

I'll quote another member..."A successful relationship is not just finding the right person...it's being the right person. If you are Married ...you shouldn't be looking for any outside of your Marriage.

[solonely9]

It sounds to me like you don't want to be in a serious relationship with this guy. You were saying that as soon as you meet someone better, you will move on. Also, you are avoiding asking him to end it with his fiancée and are insisting that he loves her, but he doesn't know it, that she is his life, etc. This also means that you don't want to be with him.

 

 

On the other hand, he seems to want to be with you, but because of you rejecting him, he is staying with this other girl. As you said, he does not want to be alone.

 

 

As the other members said, leave him, go NC, move on. You were brave enough to end a marriage, so you can do this. And maybe tell his fiancée or insist that he tell her. He doesn't love her or he wouldn't be doing this her. What he is doing to her is just terrible. She does not deserve to go into a marriage that is such a lie from the beginning.

 

 

Hugs

[sandylee1]

I already said he loves her and he's not leaving her. I was never sitting here waiting for him. I'm in love with him and trying to figure out how to stay away from him because this is killing me. That's all.

 

What kind of love has you cheating on your fiancée and in the home they share together?

 

Would you believe your fiancé loved you if he did this?

 

It was such a bad move to friend him on FB. When you don't like what you see in the mirror.. you need to change. Don't be part of him taking vows while he's cheating.

[elaine567]

I don't want to watch his life go on while mine is on standstill.

This is what you need to fully concentrate on because this is exactly what is happening here.

My guess is that you will not leave him, you will go through the hell of the wedding, the honeymoon, the new house, the first kid, the second kid, the happy family holidays, the school pics, the new car... all displayed in bright colours on FB...while you stand by waiting in the wings picking up the crumbs he throws you when he can get away from the wife.

Good luck with that.

[loveisanaction]

 

I don't know why im so scared to let him fully go. I think in my head if I let him go then all these horrible things I did were for nothing and he gets to move on just fine.

 

 

I think that you just answered your own question. This is one of the most honest answers I've read when it comes to why the ow refuses to end an affair. It's not just because they're madly in love with theit affair partner, or because they're addicted to them, nor is just because of the awesome sexual connection. It's because nobody wants to believe that they let down their morals for nothing.

 

But the honest truth about affairs (and I say this gently and with no judgement) is that when they're over and it's all said and done; you sit back and ask yourself 'What was it all for really?'

 

I think you already know what you neee to do Ronnie

 

There is an innocent woman here who doesn't deserve any of this.. If you won't walk away for yourself...walk away for her.