my boyfriend needs space

[BuddyX]

Please don't say you weren't looking for an affair or it "just happened". There were months of EA with the new boy toy. This wasn't a one night stand.

 

Let your husband know. What your doing to him is soul crushing. At least allow your hubby to decide.

 

Spouses are partners. He's not your Bestfriend. You wouldn't do this to your closes friend

[Poutrew]

Decisions, decisions... let's see: on the one hand, small penis and lots of old money. On the other hand, druggie gigolo with large penis, but not so much money. What's a cheating wife to do?

 

I'm afraid that other than framing your current dilemma in contextual language, I can't really help you much. I really hope your husband is seeing another woman on the side so he'll have something soft to land on after he finds out about you...

[Mrin]

Mrin... how am i not committed to the OM? I did he is the one who cant deal. He was living with me for these months. he didn't give me an option he just messaged need space with no warning it was coming. how am i supposed to react to that

 

If you were committing to him, like he wants, you'd file for divorce and start building a life with Tom. He's tired of being the OM. He wants to be The Man

[ChickiePops]

Mrin... how am i not committed to the OM? I did he is the one who cant deal. He was living with me for these months. he didn't give me an option he just messaged need space with no warning it was coming. how am i supposed to react to that

 

Really? You're asking how you're not committed to your boyfriend and in the same breath saying you won't divorce your husband?

 

I don't understand what you're not understanding...

 

If your other man started dating someone else would you be happy for him?

 

He's likely going to dump you shortly anyway so this will all become moot.

[acrosstheuniverse]

This thread is mind boggling. Here we have an apparently highly educated and successful woman asking for opinions on whether or not the man she's cheating on her husband with is going to stop seeing her, I can't believe you even have the nerve to call him your boyfriend. It comes across as though you're with your husband for his money and nothing else, he's certainly not your best friend as best friends respect and look out for one another. I just can't get past your total lack of insight into how crazy this situation is. It's not like you're even saying 'look, I messed up, I don't know what to do, I'm not surprised he's giving up on us' you're just blithely blundering on, deceiving the man who paid for you to finish medical school and helped you to secure your future, to live with a drug dealer who smokes pot, can't hold a job down but is great in bed so that makes it all okay.

 

However the thing I really can't get past in all this and I'm surprised how many people posted before picking it up it... You are trying for a baby with this guy? If you truly are a doctor you don't need us to tell you that women carry babies, not men, so if you end up conceiving it's gonna be pretty damn hard to hide it from your husband! Even if you avoided him for the last six months of the pregnancy how do you think you're gonna conceal a child? Or was the plan to get pregnant to try and trap OM (won't work) and then it'll force your hands into leaving husband to be with OM seriously? Wtf. How can you even consider bringing a child into this mess. And yes, you are trying for a baby if you have knowingly stopped using contraception.

 

Then all of the stuff about how your OM hit his ex and the other details... I'm sorry but there are so many elements to this story it's difficult to believe it's all true. I just can't fathom how you have all of this info and yet are doing what you're doing.

 

OM knew what he was getting into, but your poor poor husband. For gods sake find some empathy and decency within you and tell him everything so he can decide what he wants for his own life. It actually made me laugh how on one hand you mention how he works so much he doesn't pay you enough attention but on the other wanna be with him for his money. You can't have it both ways in this situation. Pick the skint, violent criminal and come clean or choose your hard working, wealthy husband and come clean. When you get caught out you cannot imagine the hellfire that is going to rain down on you. I beg of you, please use contraception. To even consider having a baby in the midst of all this is actively selfish and cruel.

[Honourably honest]

I'm always against advising a breakup, but it seems to be the right thing to do. Win win, but expect fall out and a few twists along the way.

Good luck

[tracey86]

I am not going to justify or even try to convince myself that everything over the last yr with my husband or om is ok. but H is far from innocent in all of this, if he was willing to satisfy his wife other than with financial resources then i wouldn't have "learnt" to be that way with him. I don't ask him for stuff he just does.

 

on another note, i have been so caught up in my own emotional turmoil I guess i was blinded by "om's struggle". which is still a blurr since he's not communicating effectively. however after all the responses yesterday I messaged him saying I was just checking if he's ok. he was kind of standoff saying he's just trying to work & keep his head clear. so i asked him if he needs more space or he is ready to work things out. his response "I will let you know". After much thought i replied telling him I was willing to do whatever it takes to fix things & I love him. He ignored the message.

husband called me i was in a bad place & he picked up on that, decided he's going to come spend time here regardless that i told him not to worry i just have something i need to work out on my own & i am not ready to talk to him about it yet.

 

With that said, mentally I give him one more week to try & work things out,i don't want to sit around waiting on him when it seems he's already made up his mind just not sharing it with me. I am heartbroken because I allowed myself to become so enthralled by the om filling what was missing in my marriage I think I loss a little more of my senses. I was blind sided ignoring many of the consequences.

[tracey86]

with regards to the trying to conceive... yes we were. It was OM idea he was ready for kids and said before me he's never really saw himself settling down & wanting a family. if we had been successful I would not have passed the child off as my husband's own. first off my husband is mixed, but appears more on Caucasian side if you didn't know he was mixed and the om is very dark, black,. The thought never crossed my mind how I would deal with explaining that if it happened. but one of my guy friends told me to leave him because he got the feeling he was still in his old life and wanted me as a security, so essentially using me in a different way than i was with him. problem now we feel in love and i guess that wasn't the plan. Thing is i know all this information but it didn't change how i felt for him and like i said he never showed me any of the criminal behavior only told me about it. he's never even raised his voice at me. but he has said the way he deals with me is different than he would his ex's because am a different kind of woman.

 

yes the drama in this story is enough for a sitcom. but its true. i would never have thought that i would be mixed up in such drama. and my guy friend is still trying to figure out how i got caught up with the om since he's not the type of guy i would date not even before i became successful.

[BMI03]

I am not going to justify or even try to convince myself that everything over the last yr with my husband or om is ok. but H is far from innocent in all of this, if he was willing to satisfy his wife other than with financial resources then i wouldn't have "learnt" to be that way with him. I don't ask him for stuff he just does.

 

I don't even know what to say, or where to begin...

 

I sincerely think you are completely missing the boat on how devastating your actions are to other people, and have no regard for personal responsibility for your actions. Unless there are other dimensions to this in terms of your husband, YOU made the decision to do this. While he may be far from innocent of the unhappiness in your marriage, fair, from everything you have explained so far I would say 'innocent' is exactly what your husband is of this A. That's on YOU.

 

...yes the drama in this story is enough for a sitcom.

 

A sitcom? I don't think anyone here is laughing. I see a horror story...

[tracey86]

bmi... they are to separate issues. so the om stuff or our issues is not his problem or his concern at this point when they need to cross over they will. hence i started the thread saying there was two issues.

[Satu]

I mean no disrespect, but you really are a cake-eater.

 

As stated previously, I'm not sure that your preference is workable.

 

Not many people want to be part of a triangular relationship, and I think that your OM has most likely decided that he's had enough.

 

Most people would.

 

 

Take care.

[BMI03]

bmi... they are to separate issues. so the om stuff or our issues is not his problem or his concern at this point when they need to cross over they will. hence i started the thread saying there was two issues.

 

The day a wife tells me the issues she is facing with her affair partner who was unknown to me are "not my problem", I will s**t a brick.

 

I am not sure what kind of doctor you are, but if you believe there is no connection between your unhappy marriage and problems with an affair partner, then I would be terrified to sit in your doctor's office and share any symptoms with you for fear of what you would surely miss.

 

Good luck with the devastation...

[rainbowsandkittens]

So you're stringing your husband along until you hear back from the OM? If he decides he doesn't want you then what? You'll tell your husband to come visit and everything will be fine? Do you see how cruel that is?

 

If you're considering starting a family with someone other than your husband then you're really not part of your marriage. I agree with the others- regardless of whether or not you like the financial security he provides you are not doing right by your husband at all. If you care for him at all you will either end the affair yourself and work on your marriage (which may mean moving home and really trying to make it work/ counseling/ etc.) or you should end it and let him find someone who likes all the aspects of him.

[turnera]

He & I never had that conversation. He just got all in his feelings and went awall.

 

but honestly I kind of like how we are. I feel safe with my husband, he's accountant, because together we are financially sound, am a doctor. Its the intimacy that is gone, i still feel we have a friendship - he's still my bestfriend we talk everyday.

Really? Everyday? So what does he say about your boyfriend?

 

Oh wait, you mean you're not THAT good of a friend with him?

 

smh

[tracey86]

he says tell tom hello. he knows tom lives here

[GorillaTheater]

Edit: Nevermind. I'm not getting involved in this thread anymore.

Edited April 14, 2016 by GorillaTheater

[tracey86]

thing about this thread i find is interesting is the debacle was never whether or not i was right or wrong or whatever it was about the question i asked. but since everyone became so judgmental i figure what the hell let the conversation take its course its rather changing my mood.

 

with that said yes having an affair is wrong. yes asking the om to not be awall because he's in his feelings. but those things were not up for debate. we all made our decisions. i am allowed to feel sometype of way also i was not in this alone nor was he. he initiated this i agreed to it.

 

wrt my husband when i was off in medical school and he was out fathering children he made no apologizes and i found that out after we were married. like i said we did counseling and things were good, he has since denied any cheating. my life has many issues in the last 5yrs but its not going to air out or resolve on one thread so that's why am just letting this run.

 

continue am that horrible cheating wife of that rich innocent husband that amazing.

[tracey86]

but in the same token he made me wait and say oh i was his only one... so somewhere along those lines all sorts of stories where told, but i accepted it for what he said. nevermind the women who came with their jrs that he denies yet still finances

[AlwaysGrowing]

I am not going to justify or even try to convince myself that everything over the last yr with my husband or om is ok. but H is far from innocent in all of this, if he was willing to satisfy his wife other than with financial resources then i wouldn't have "learnt" to be that way with him. I don't ask him for stuff he just does.

 

on another note, i have been so caught up in my own emotional turmoil I guess i was blinded by "om's struggle". which is still a blurr since he's not communicating effectively. however after all the responses yesterday I messaged him saying I was just checking if he's ok. he was kind of standoff saying he's just trying to work & keep his head clear. so i asked him if he needs more space or he is ready to work things out. his response "I will let you know". After much thought i replied telling him I was willing to do whatever it takes to fix things & I love him. He ignored the message.

husband called me i was in a bad place & he picked up on that, decided he's going to come spend time here regardless that i told him not to worry i just have something i need to work out on my own & i am not ready to talk to him about it yet.

 

With that said, mentally I give him one more week to try & work things out,i don't want to sit around waiting on him when it seems he's already made up his mind just not sharing it with me. I am heartbroken because I allowed myself to become so enthralled by the om filling what was missing in my marriage I think I loss a little more of my senses. I was blind sided ignoring many of the consequences.

 

 

Has it ever crossed your mind that your OM is giving the exact same brush off that you in turn gave to your husband?

 

Are you not sharing with your husband exactly the same as the OM not sharing his thoughts with you?

 

Do you not feel in love with your husband and just want use the financial resources his "friendship" affords you? Could the OM not just feel the same as you?

[tracey86]

thanks for all the input. Now back to dealing with stuff.

[ShatteredLady]

Do you think your physical distance is responsible for what's lacking in your marriage? I know you say small penis but many, many people cheating have a tendency to find fault where there wasn't any before.

 

I think to get any meaningful advice & to reduce the bashing you're getting you will need to open-up more & share more information. At the moment you're sounding terrible. Sorry, but it's the truth.

 

You must be a reasonably intelligent woman to qualify as a doctor. You were using withdrawal as a form of contraception??? Really?? Please, what's going on with you? This is so hard to fathom. I still can't wrap my head around the whole baby, trying to get pregnant thing.

 

Children are forever. Intelligent people just don't do what you did!! You're unsure of your relationship with a druggy, woman beating, rarely employed, drug dealer & yet you stopped using contraception? As a doctor you do know the risks of STD's increases with drug abuse & promiscuity? Have you been tested?

 

You're writing here for help but things just don't make sense to me. You say your H is your best friend who works very, very hard to provide a lifestyle & a future for you, his family but you're treating him with cruelty & utter contempt.

 

Can I ask what your parents relationship is like? Do you come from a past that makes infidelity somehow acceptable to you?

 

I'm just trying to wrap my head around this. You're a doctor but you believe all of his horrible 'past' character traits will vanish because he's never been with a woman like you??!?

[tracey86]

Do you think your physical distance is responsible for what's lacking in your marriage? I know you say small penis but many, many people cheating have a tendency to find fault where there wasn't any before.

 

I think to get any meaningful advice & to reduce the bashing you're getting you will need to open-up more & share more information. At the moment you're sounding terrible. Sorry, but it's the truth.

 

You must be a reasonably intelligent woman to qualify as a doctor. You were using withdrawal as a form of contraception??? Really?? Please, what's going on with you? This is so hard to fathom. I still can't wrap my head around the whole baby, trying to get pregnant thing.

 

Children are forever. Intelligent people just don't do what you did!! You're unsure of your relationship with a druggy, woman beating, rarely employed, drug dealer & yet you stopped using contraception? As a doctor you do know the risks of STD's increases with drug abuse & promiscuity? Have you been tested?

 

You're writing here for help but things just don't make sense to me. You say your H is your best friend who works very, very hard to provide a lifestyle & a future for you, his family but you're treating him with cruelty & utter contempt.

 

Can I ask what your parents relationship is like? Do you come from a past that makes infidelity somehow acceptable to you?

 

I'm just trying to wrap my head around this. You're a doctor but you believe all of his horrible 'past' character traits will vanish because he's never been with a woman like you??!?

 

No the distance isn't the problem i decided to go to another country to get away i said that in my initial post. the sex issue was an issue from the beginning not something that came up after cheating.

i said yes we were trying for a baby therefore no contraceptives were used. my parents are happily married 50years last yr... no outside children both no issues with infidelity. no i dont have a past that makes infidelity acceptable.

No i dont think that his past is going to change. and i maintain that he has never been that way with me. Am not really worried about that this point the relationship is no longer existent.

Edited April 14, 2016 by tracey86
missed one question before were intimate we both got tested

[ShatteredLady]

Sorry, I missed this "my husband when i was off in medical school and he was out fathering children he made no apologizes and i found that out after we were married. like i said we did counseling and things were good, he has since denied any cheating."

 

....so your H cheated & has a child with another woman?

 

As I said, we need more information....you understand why you're being treated so negatively here? I think this is sooooo much more complicated than you're stating.

[tracey86]

it is a complicated situation but am ok with it. i got the answer to the question that I wanted. I think the real issue is most of the people responded have either been the spouse/partner who was cheated on or the op. not in any feelings over it. like i said reading the messages has given me something else to do with my free time than worry about him.

 

i didnt come here for sympathy nor to be a villain. i came for an open forum to ask a question and get another perspective.

[ShatteredLady]

Have you been deeply hurt by your H? Is there a revenge aspect to this?

 

I'm sorry. I get that you're hurting. Let us understand & we can help more. There are members here who have lived it all. You sound like a lady with a lot of painful secrets. I get the feeling they have resulted in your current situation. You're being judged harshly because of the limited information you're giving.

 

Forums are anonymous. That's the whole point! You can get it all out & receive the opinions & advise of others who have walked a similar path & fallen into the same traps in life.