jenkins95 Posted April 24, 2016 Share Posted April 24, 2016 It's Day 13 NC, but more significantly for me, I've made it through a whole week of triggers and reminders, and I have survived. So proud of you LG! You are a fantastic example to others. Well done. Keep posting. Keep going! We are with you. J 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LondonGirl81 Posted April 28, 2016 Author Share Posted April 28, 2016 (edited) Jenkins, stilltrying16, Chuff: Thanks so much for your advice and supportive messages. This forum is keeping me strong! I've lost count of NC days, but I'm heading towards the three week mark. Without a doubt, it's the only way to break the cycle. My head is finally starting to override my heart - a week ago I was desperate for him to try to contact me and beg for me back. But now my emotions are settling and I'm seeing things more clearly: him contacting me would take me straight back to where I started in my healing process, it would trigger all the feelings of lust and limerence when I was in the A, and I never ever want to go back to that dark place. I've got a few things to work on - I want to change job - we work in the same place but on different days so I never have to see him. But there are triggers when I go there, work emails, people organising work drinks etc. I don't want any part of my life to be associated with him or the A, so I'll do my best to get out and find something else. It's not urgent, but will be a huge step forward. Something that is fascinating me at the moment: the feelings I had in the A were overwhelming. It took over my entire existence, and I thought about him 99% of the day. It was pure toxic addiction and I could not imagine life without him. Yet, less than 3 weeks on, I have hours of hardly thinking of him, I am surviving perfectly well without him and know that it's only going to get better. I feel like my brain has been playing a trick on me for the last 10 months. I'm still wary of some things to come - there are going to be some specific triggers at work which I will need to avoid. Sometimes I still don't quite believe that I am going to have the strength to do this, but I've learnt the only way to do it, is one day at a time. Edited April 28, 2016 by LondonGirl81 5 Link to post Share on other sites
jenkins95 Posted April 28, 2016 Share Posted April 28, 2016 LG, that's brilliant! Well done. You should be so proud of yourself! I bet you never knew you had such strength deep inside you, but you do and you are proving it! I think you deserve to go and buy yourself a little treat for how amazingly well you are doing! Proud of you. Keep posting! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted April 28, 2016 Share Posted April 28, 2016 LondonGirl: (Writing to you as I listen to the Beatles playing their last show live on the top of Apple Studios...) You are doing great! You are one smart cookie and I am super proud of you. It's a journey, with ups and downs. Keep writing, keep putting one foot in front of the other. There is strength in numbers, and we are all here for you. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
imperfectangel Posted April 28, 2016 Share Posted April 28, 2016 Can I ask LG sorry if it's been said but has he tried to reach out to you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LondonGirl81 Posted April 28, 2016 Author Share Posted April 28, 2016 (edited) Can I ask LG sorry if it's been said but has he tried to reach out to you? Hi imperfectangel, No he hasn't! It's a miracle - when I've tried to end it before he has always reeled me back in, or I have broken NC, but this time, not. I feel like the ending this time has been very smooth and easy. If he was trying to get in contact it would be a nightmare, and luckily I don't have to see him. Neither of us use social media or use messaging apps etc. Our ending this time was different: it was amicable, without drama, and very direct. I think me giving him the ultimatum of leaving may have burst his fantasy bubble of the A, as well as mine. There is a one off annual work event coming up in the next few weeks that me and him have always briefly liaised on by text (before the A started), so I am concerned he might be in touch. It was also the event that a year ago, the A started, after a few drinks. I won't be involved in it this year! Him getting in touch about organising it is at the back of my mind, I have thoughts about how to handle it and know that I can reach out to people if it happens. I certainly won't be contacting him about it, and I hope he will feel the same. Edited April 28, 2016 by LondonGirl81 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stilltrying16 Posted April 28, 2016 Share Posted April 28, 2016 Way to go, LondonGirl! You've thought it through carefully and you're setting yourself up for success. Hugs! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
lemondrop21 Posted April 29, 2016 Share Posted April 29, 2016 Hi LG, just wanted to send you some support and let you know that I can relate. My A started about a year ago as well. There is an annual work event coming up next week that I have to attend. MM is not involved as he's in a different department, but the memories of it a year ago are bringing me down. A year ago, at that event, I felt high as a kite on all those good affair-love feelings. I remember wondering where I would be in May 2016, if he would have left his w and we would be together, etc. Ha. This year I feel so flat, and I will just be looking forward to going home and getting to bed. I try and be thankful for reality, though. Reality, while often dull and sometimes depressing, is what will allow me to eventually find someone who is available for a real relationship. Same goes for you my dear! We both have our whole lives ahead of us. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LondonGirl81 Posted April 29, 2016 Author Share Posted April 29, 2016 (edited) Thanks lemondrop21. Not wanting to wish time away, but won't it be nice when our thoughts won't look back to 'this time last year....'. I try to focus on thinking 'this time last year I was engulfed in toxic fantasy and addiction', instead of deluding myself that I was in a authentic loving relationship. I guess it's just changing the way we think of the A - not as something beautiful, but as something that was very wrong. I've had a bad morning - Friday's are tricky as I know what he's doing, he knows what I'm doing (work wise) and it would normally be a crazy texting day, with meeting in the evening. The addiction would have been in full swing all day, and I would be dizzy with chemicals! I was really tired today, and my brain was craving the chemical adrenaline rush of the A. There is no danger of me breaking NC, but I was longing for him. I texted a friend instead and she sent me a long supportive message to bring me back into authentic reality. The reality is that these chemical rushes during the A were painful - I was addicted to them, and I just wanted more and more. The constant texting and phone checking, in reality, was horrendous. And then spending a few hours with him this evening, only to be eventually left for him to go home was excruciating. Waking up on Saturday morning alone, desperate again for my next 'fix'. As painful as my longing is now, I truly know that I never want that toxic addiction back again. Edited April 29, 2016 by LondonGirl81 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted April 29, 2016 Share Posted April 29, 2016 Thanks lemondrop21. Not wanting to wish time away, but won't it be nice when our thoughts won't look back to 'this time last year....'. I try to focus on thinking 'this time last year I was engulfed in toxic fantasy and addiction', instead of deluding myself that I was in a authentic loving relationship. I guess it's just changing the way we think of the A - not as something beautiful, but as something that was very wrong. I've had a bad morning - Friday's are tricky as I know what he's doing, he knows what I'm doing (work wise) and it would normally be a crazy texting day, with meeting in the evening. The addiction would have been in full swing all day, and I would be dizzy with chemicals! I was really tired today, and my brain was craving the chemical adrenaline rush of the A. There is no danger of me breaking NC, but I was longing for him. I texted a friend instead and she sent me a long supportive message to bring me back into authentic reality. The reality is that these chemical rushes during the A were painful - I was addicted to them, and I just wanted more and more. The constant texting and phone checking, in reality, was horrendous. And then spending a few hours with him this evening, only to be eventually left for him to go home was excruciating. Waking up on Saturday morning alone, desperate again for my next 'fix'. As painful as my longing is now, I truly know that I never want that toxic addiction back again. Amen to that!! Keep going in the direction you are headed and you will be there before you know it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Girlfromcali Posted April 29, 2016 Share Posted April 29, 2016 The stages of grief are not linear so don't be surprised if you take some steps backwards occasionally. It's very frustrating when you think you're "finally" over him, and something triggers old feelings. Well, just a reminder to not to be too hard on yourself if you have bad days. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Dylon Posted April 29, 2016 Share Posted April 29, 2016 ....when I've tried to end it before he has always reeled me back in, or I have broken NC, but this time, not. I feel like the ending this time has been very smooth and easy..... I wish you well too and remember these words above. Often we forget how things could be worst no matter how things might seem to us. In coming days, weeks, months, there could be very difficult time but just remember that when an affair ends, this is as well as it gets! There's no happy ending when it ends, regardless of relationship. You are doing the right thing. Take care of yourself! Whether he wants to reel you back or you have the desire to reach out, both of you know that you shouldn't. They say action speaks louder than words, but in this case, no action speaks, but says nothing about how we feel and deal with the aftermath, for you or for him. Cut the connection and don't second guess. Take care! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LondonGirl81 Posted April 29, 2016 Author Share Posted April 29, 2016 (edited) Amen to that!! Keep going in the direction you are headed and you will be there before you know it. Thanks Grapes, GirlfromCali & Dylon. Grapes: I've been following your thread - so glad for the change of mind in your attitude to this man! I am having such a s*** day!! I want to scream my head off in addictive frustration! IT WILL PASS!!!!! ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Edited April 29, 2016 by LondonGirl81 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LondonGirl81 Posted April 30, 2016 Author Share Posted April 30, 2016 Apologies, a depressing and ranting post: This process is abysmal. I've just counted NC days: 19. As you guys have said, improvement isn't daily - the last couple of days have been dreadful. I'm worried I will never be able to enjoy a weekend again, without the intense feelings of loneliness. I'm fine when distracted, but as soon as I'm on my own, I go to a bad place. But I felt like total c*** when I was in the A as well. If only I could turn back time and go back to that stupid night. I enjoyed life before the A! I hope, when I'm through with all this, I can find something, anything, to see this whole journey as an experience I'm glad I learnt from. Sorry to be so negative. I also realise I have to take responsibility for what I did. Nobody forced me, it was 100% my decision. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stilltrying16 Posted April 30, 2016 Share Posted April 30, 2016 (((((((((((LondonGirl)))))))))))) You, Cali, Grapes, PrivateGal, LostLonelyGirl, Chuff, Truthtobetoldtoyou, Rainbowsandkittens, onlywhenitrains, and so many others....you've climbed mountains. You're going to come out on the other end stronger. You haven't let this break you- however overwhelming it seems at times. Hang in there. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Girlfromcali Posted April 30, 2016 Share Posted April 30, 2016 It's O.K. Normal feelings. Sometimes I wish I had never met my fMM, and sometimes I wish he'd die. <- Lol..not really serious but it's just so frustrating sometimes. I remember one time when I was taking him to the airport and he said "what if this plane crashes and you never hear from me?" and I said "that would be great, because then I wouldn't have to think about you anymore". Well, we can't go back in time so there's that. We can heal, learn, become better, and stronger, though! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Truthtobetoldtoyou Posted April 30, 2016 Share Posted April 30, 2016 Apologies, a depressing and ranting post: This process is abysmal. I've just counted NC days: 19. As you guys have said, improvement isn't daily - the last couple of days have been dreadful. I'm worried I will never be able to enjoy a weekend again, without the intense feelings of loneliness. I'm fine when distracted, but as soon as I'm on my own, I go to a bad place. But I felt like total c*** when I was in the A as well. If only I could turn back time and go back to that stupid night. I enjoyed life before the A! I hope, when I'm through with all this, I can find something, anything, to see this whole journey as an experience I'm glad I learnt from. Sorry to be so negative. I also realise I have to take responsibility for what I did. Nobody forced me, it was 100% my decision. I am going through the exact same emotions! I ended with the MM, and, it’s been almost two weeks! It has been such a rollercoaster! I am OK a moment, and the next, I am completely miserable! It's so hard to handle. I am also single and got into the A without literally using my head, and, here I am now. Just like you, I am fine when distracted. But loneliness kills me and then handling my emotions is pretty tough. It too shall pass. Stay strong! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Girlfromcali Posted April 30, 2016 Share Posted April 30, 2016 Aaww you guys <3:( Sometimes I have these images in my mind of the woman in "Fatal Atteaction". You know the one boiling the pet bunny? As crazy as she was in the movie, I have a tiny piece inside me somewhere that understands where she's coming from (not the boiling pets part but the principle). . Lol..I'm not really crazy like that but hey, I get where she's coming from, even if she was a bit extreme. I guess I mean mostly about the feeling of loneliness and desperation that was so palpable that it's almost hard to watch. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LondonGirl81 Posted May 1, 2016 Author Share Posted May 1, 2016 Thanks for your support everyone. My feelings are confused at the moment - sometimes I feel like I didn't actually enjoy being in his company at all. I hated the fact that I was having an A, so all our communication and seeing each other was tinged with a deep rooted sadness. I wonder whether I was really myself with him - was I always just pretending to be happy and care free with him, but deep down I just wanted to curl up and cry? So, no, I never want that back. But what I miss and am longing for is the intimacy we shared. Whether it was real or not is of no issue, it was intense and all consuming, and I really, really miss it. I know that I could have it again at some point in my life, but that does not help fill the void I have now. I hate the paths my thoughts choose to go down - I've woken up on Sunday morning and imagined him snuggling up with his wife in bed. Firstly what's the point in thinking these things, and secondly who ever knows what the reality is (knowing him like I do, he'll be lying in bed hungover while his wife tends to the toddlers). I want to stop this pointless rose-tinted imagery of his life and take some control of my thoughts. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cymbeline Posted May 1, 2016 Share Posted May 1, 2016 Try exploring mindfulness and its benefits. You could start by working through this book. Amazon.co.uk: Mark Williams: Books, Biogs, Audiobooks, Discussions See this recent article: Mindfulness can control depression as well as drugs, study shows See also Ruby Wax 'Frazzled' and Sane New World, by Ruby Wax, review - Telegraph I have come to feel the kind of addictive thinking you are having is a subset of a depressive period and something that modern life induces in so many. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Chuff Posted May 1, 2016 Share Posted May 1, 2016 Aaww you guys <3:( Sometimes I have these images in my mind of the woman in "Fatal Atteaction". You know the one boiling the pet bunny? As crazy as she was in the movie, I have a tiny piece inside me somewhere that understands where she's coming from (not the boiling pets part but the principle). . Lol..I'm not really crazy like that but hey, I get where she's coming from, even if she was a bit extreme. So...I actually watched Fatal Attraction again a couple of months ago just to be sure that my EA wasn't making me "that" crazy. lol I felt much better about myself and my healing after watching it. :) 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LondonGirl81 Posted May 1, 2016 Author Share Posted May 1, 2016 So...I actually watched Fatal Attraction again a couple of months ago just to be sure that my EA wasn't making me "that" crazy. lol I felt much better about myself and my healing after watching it. :) I'm going to watch it and see if it makes me feel better! Speaking of bunny boilers; I played out a scenario again of somehow letting his wife know who she's really married to (not going to do this, pure fantasy). It's funny that I'm angry with him - he hasn't done anything to me that I should be angry with, I don't think. It's my feelings of hurt and rejection that are playing out. I'm angry at myself for doing this, and looking for someone (him) to blame. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LondonGirl81 Posted May 1, 2016 Author Share Posted May 1, 2016 Try exploring mindfulness and its benefits. You could start by working through this book. Amazon.co.uk: Mark Williams: Books, Biogs, Audiobooks, Discussions See this recent article: Mindfulness can control depression as well as drugs, study shows See also Ruby Wax 'Frazzled' and Sane New World, by Ruby Wax, review - Telegraph I have come to feel the kind of addictive thinking you are having is a subset of a depressive period and something that modern life induces in so many. Thanks for the links Cymbeline, I'll take a look. I used to be very much into yoga and meditation, but these went out of the window when the A started. I've always wanted to go on a vipassana retreat: absolute silence for 10 days, no phone, no writing, no eye contact. No distractions to run away from your thoughts or feelings. I've spoken to people who have done it, and the first few days are torturous and you can go crazy listening to the chatter in your head. But something changes in the last few days, and your mind totally settles and you become completely calm. I don't think I'm in the right place to do this yet, but it's something worth considering for the future. Link to post Share on other sites
Cymbeline Posted May 1, 2016 Share Posted May 1, 2016 Vipassana would be hard, although ideal for what you are suffering. but there are plenty of shorter sittings in London that should be of immediate support if this is something you are familiar with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cymbeline Posted May 1, 2016 Share Posted May 1, 2016 Ps isn't the fact that you gave it all up during the affair indicative of your feelings of inauthenticity during that time and your deep down awareness of the effects of all this on your psyche? I am sure you have the tools and skills to fix this quite quickly. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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