I'm in so much pain! Finished with MM

[LondonGirl81]

There is a book available second hand from Amazon: 'The married man single woman syndrome' by Richard Tuch, a psychoanalyst from (I-can't-remember- which) American University Psychology dept.

 

If you read it (and recognise yourself or him) you will be horrified and you'll never go near him again. I was horrified when I read it and I'm a BW!

 

Thanks Cymbeline. Just ordered it! I will do anything to get to the bottom of why I have done this to myself!

[ShatteredLady]

Hi. I'm a London girl too. I'm living in America but I'm moving home soon because my H cheated on me. I've lost so very much. I will never be the same person again. My brother took his own life following his wife's adultery. I miss him everyday. Understandably I HATE infidelity!!

 

I'm so sorry that you fell into this trap. It's taken me a while but I've learnt that the emotions that an OW goes through can be very similar to those of the bs after d-day & it's not a pain I'd wish on anyone. Oh why do strong, beautiful, kind women allow men like this to destroy them? Ugh!! You're better than this! You are or you wouldn't be here asking for help.

 

There are little 'tricks' to soothe a little of the pain (distractions, even medications can help) but at the end of the day the only way past it is to live through it. Hugs.

 

Please keep focused on the bad of this man. What's missing from his marriage? His wife has had HIS children & he doesn't have her 100% undivided attention all the time anymore. You say he's a good father but I think you know this isn't true. Do you want a family of your own one day? Is he the type of husband & father you would want in your life?

 

Sticking the kids in the car on Saturday morning, driving them & waiting for an hour (probably chatting-up women on a mobile or online gambling) then driving them home is NOT great Daddy & me time!! Good family men don't go down the pub hunting women half the week! Seriously!! He's an overgrown teenager masquerading as a grown-up.

 

Focus on the pain you're feeling...amplify it times 1000 & you're close to how his wife will feel come d-day. It's obvious that he's "one of the lads" & you won't be his last conquest but please don't go back to being complicit in the destruction of a family. You're better than that.

 

I know I sound really mean. I'm doing it on purpose! I hope it helps you stay strong. You've already wasted nearly a year on this looser. I hope that you haven't lost too much of yourself already. I know some lovely, honorable, principled, kind & fun guys in London!! There are plenty of them looking for a good woman.

 

I hope you heal & find a man worthy of your passion & love. Find a beautiful life, not this, anything but this. Best wishes xxxx. I know it's hard.

[LondonGirl81]

ShatteredLady,thank you so much. Your post made me cry. I am so sorry for what's happened to you. Hearing you say that, and still coming here to offer me advice and support is really something else.

 

I have no doubt in my mind that he will do this again with someone else. A teenager masquerading as a man is him, through and through!

 

Thank you again xx

[Grapesofwrath]

Thanks so much Babsinhealng. It's so good to hear back from other people who've been through this.

I know I should go NC, but I have done it before and failed miserably, so I'm terrified of doing it again. I blocked him for about 4 weeks and was in so much turmoil for the whole time, and all I did was focus on the resisting and obsession of blocking him, rather than healing myself. I have made the short term decision to not block him, and just see how that goes, but I have made a commitment that if he dares to try to meet up, he will be blocked.

I remember reading that with drug addicts, it's not that they don't want to heal, but it's the pain of the withdraw that makes them go back. I am determined to sit through the pain this time, and come out the other end so much stronger.

Are there any books that anyone can recommend? I love a good self help book to distract me and hopefully help me!

 

I liked Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. It is a light read, and it gets you started on thinking about what it is in you that opened the door to a relationship with a married man. For me, a key component of healing was figuring out why I did this in the first place so I could be sure to never repeat it again.

[Poppy47]

There is a book available second hand from Amazon: 'The married man single woman syndrome' by Richard Tuch, a psychoanalyst from (I-can't-remember- which) American University Psychology dept.

 

If you read it (and recognise yourself or him) you will be horrified and you'll never go near him again. I was horrified when I read it and I'm a BW!

 

I have read this book and it applies to a very specific kind of affair. It doesn't apply to all affairs.

 

Poppy.

[Girlfromcali]

I liked Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. It is a light read, and it gets you started on thinking about what it is in you that opened the door to a relationship with a married man. For me, a key component of healing was figuring out why I did this in the first place so I could be sure to never repeat it again.

 

I wonder why someone starts a relationship with a married man. I never thought I was that woman.

 

For me personally, the answers to that question make me look very bad. If I would tell you honestly, it would make me appear selfish, immature, reckless, and someone who has very little insight about the consequences of an affair.

[Grey Cloud]

I think those "amicable" conversations are a very bad idea. You ended two days ago. On THAT day when you ended...everything you talked about today should have been said so their was closure and no more back and forth.

You were already 48 hours into processing...it sets you back as now theres more analyzing and its now square one.

 

Remember you said:

 

"He's really not a good man - he never felt an ounce of guilt towards his wife - he thinks he deserves to have his desires, have happiness and excitement that's missing from his marriage"

 

You need to block him now. Youve both allowed the other to talk. Now let that be it so you arent giving it this space any longer.

 

I agree with Privategal in terms of the "amicable" conversations. I thought xMM and I ended amicably. No d-day but a realisation we had to end. I was sad but knew it was for the best. These "amicable" conversations keep continuing and the more rational and logical xMM became, the more emotional I got! To the point where it felt he had already moved on and then I moved quickly into the angry phase and let him have it! Made me feel temporarily better and allowed me to get into proper NC until the anger wore off and I felt bad again. Cue more "amicable" conversations which again made me feel temporarily better but now I am back to square one. Back to NC having gone around in circles. See a pattern?

 

Once you make the decision to end, it's best to keep looking forwards and not backwards. Even though it's a horrible feeling

[Girlfromcali]

I agree with Privategal in terms of the "amicable" conversations. I thought xMM and I ended amicably. No d-day but a realisation we had to end. I was sad but knew it was for the best. These "amicable" conversations keep continuing and the more rational and logical xMM became, the more emotional I got! To the point where it felt he had already moved on and then I moved quickly into the angry phase and let him have it! Made me feel temporarily better and allowed me to get into proper NC until the anger wore off and I felt bad again. Cue more "amicable" conversations which again made me feel temporarily better but now I am back to square one. Back to NC having gone around in circles. See a pattern?

 

Once you make the decision to end, it's best to keep looking forwards and not backwards. Even though it's a horrible feeling

 

I go around in circles too. I'm stern with him, explain how I don't want to have a relationship where I go back to the emotional place. Then he says he understands and respects that, and sorry that he put me through that etc. then a few days later I contact him again. It's getting so annoying. Thanks to this place, I was able to block him for a few days.

 

I swear I feel like I'm some heroin addict who thinks withdrawals are a cool hobby to have.

[LondonGirl81]

So today is day 1 of NC and the first day of my new life! We've said our goodbyes, no more excuses to be in touch. I feel very scared. We would spend all day texting each other, and our whole days would be spent in contact. I feel very odd that now this is not a part of my life. In retrospect, the intensity of the contact was not healthy at all, actually I knew that at the time! But we were obsessive and addicted, so I am very scared of the withdrawal!

I'm not sure whether I'll be counting the days of NC - I don't want to get a new obsession, but I'd also be interested to see how long it takes for the obsession of him takes to subside.

 

People posting on here are really starting to help me see him for who he really is. My 'love' (lust,obsession,infatuation?) for him totally blinded me. I knew him for a while before we got together, and I used to think he was a OK, but I always had a sense that he was a very unhappy man.

 

The things I have been thinking about, thought often about and want to get off my chest:

 

- He is totally repulsed about being married. He doesn't wear a wedding ring. He hates thinking of himself as a married man. It is almost impossible to tell that he is married because he is so embarrassed that he has been so conventional to get married.

 

- He cheated on his wife before they got married She took him back and then they went on to get married and have kids.

 

- since being married he has had a one night stand and a couple of very minor things (no sex). But for the last severalyears nothing has happened. He said he feels like he has been suppressing himself and he can't bear the thought of only being with his wife for the rest of his life. He loves women, and also has no respect for them. He looks and speaks of them like sex objects. This is something I'm struggling to see why I put up with. I would imagine he doesn't behave like this in front of his wife, but thought it was OK to do that in front of me. I think he was trying to make me jealous.

 

- I asked him if his wife was suspicious, and he said she's either totally burying her head in the sand, or she truly trusts him, which is strange considering he has cheated before.

 

- I was always obsessed with whether him and his wife still had sex. Early on in our relationship he was a bit drunk and said they rarely had sex and when they did it was just boring. He always said it was just a physical act and nothing more. But a few days ago (I think was also part of me ending it) he said they had sex a couple of times a week, on average. He said he's always wanted more but he gets accused of being a sex addict. I'm not sure whether he has the traits of a true sex addict, but it wouldn't surprise me if there was some thing in that considering he is prone to drinking/gambling/smoking. He is definitely hyper sexual - he desires sex all the time and would happily to do it 3 times a day, given the opportunity.

 

I think that's it for now! It's really helping to just write all of this down on here. Thanks everyone! X

Edited April 12, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
privacy ~T

[LondonGirl81]

My day of NC day 1 is so painful and scary. I have been sitting in a coffee shop, reading and journaling, and have spoken to a couple of friends. I want to face my issues and why I chose to do this, why I chose to continue doing it to myself for ten months, facing up to the reality of what the situations was. He was totally using me. Using me for exciting sex, making him feel good, alive and validated. And I was using him for validation as well. Him giving me constant validation and compliments made me feel so good, but I now need to face why I needed a immature, despicable, cheating man to do that for me. Why don't I have that validation internally, and sought to find it through another women's husband?

A couple of quotes from a book I am reading which means a lot on this first day of NC:

 

" if you can get yourself through the first seemingly endless night of despair, AND YOU CAN, then you can get through the next night. And the pain will get less and less. The pain is not infinite. It is time limited. There is a tomorrow. Hold on, and you will have a chance of a new beginning".

 

"The agony will feel like it will go on forever. It will really feel that way and you will be tempted to get relief by calling him and starting things again.DON'T! That will put you back to square one. Call a friends, take a bath, drink some wine, rearrange your closet, but don't call him. The feeling will pass"

[Girlfromcali]

I don't really see why would you be so attracted to him since he seems pretty awful.

 

Now that I reflect back why I myself let that happen....well my AP has a side to him that's dangerous, and it was thrilling to be the one to "fix" him. He needed me. Also, the affair itself was dangerous since there's so much at stake.

 

If I analyze myself, I have to admit that I have always in some level seeked danger, whether it was hitchhiking when I was younger, partying and drinking too much...whatever it is, and I think my A might have been one of those things.

[LondonGirl81]

I don't really see why would you be so attracted to him since he seems pretty awful.

 

Now that I reflect back why I myself let that happen....well my AP has a side to him that's dangerous, and it was thrilling to be the one to "fix" him. He needed me. Also, the affair itself was dangerous since there's so much at stake.

 

If I analyze myself, I have to admit that I have always in some level seeked danger, whether it was hitchhiking when I was younger, partying and drinking too much...whatever it is, and I think my A might have been one of those things.

 

If only I knew why I got sucked in to this with someone who is awful! But I did, and now I'm paying the consequence. I was totally blinded by infatuation, and what I thought was love, but I'm actually now appreciating my realisation of how awful this man is - I think it's going to help a lot towards my recovery process!

[privategal]

Analyzing the whole thing to death is keeping it SO alive and all consuming.

Block out time for rest...for non-triggering movies, for exercise, for just YOU.

Yes its going to be on your mind alot but to sit and think and think and think...you will remain in a vacuum.

Maybe a professional can get you out of your head but xmm goes back to his life and world and family and rug sweeps the whole thing and just keeps going.

Women just cry and process and analyze so much.

You gotta grieve but you also need to live. Give your mind a rest from him.

[LondonGirl81]

Analyzing the whole thing to death is keeping it SO alive and all consuming.

Block out time for rest...for non-triggering movies, for exercise, for just YOU.

Yes its going to be on your mind alot but to sit and think and think and think...you will remain in a vacuum.

Maybe a professional can get you out of your head but xmm goes back to his life and world and family and rug sweeps the whole thing and just keeps going.

Women just cry and process and analyze so much.

You gotta grieve but you also need to live. Give your mind a rest from him.

 

Thanks Privategal, this is really good advice. I haven't done ANYTHING for myself since this affair started. I was so consumed by it, I didn't have the head space, time or energy to do anything. Your words have really struck a chord with me. I'm still only on day 1 of NC, so I might not be leaping out of bed tomorrow to distract myself, but I will set a deadline (in the next couple of days) to start getting my life back on track and gently start to find myself again, find things I love doing and begin my life again. I've had a good day, all things considered. Giving myself time to read posts on here, see what a cliche the whole affair was, see how he behaves and says the things that all MM do. I'm grateful I've got the time and space to face up to the reality of what this whole joke of a 'relationship' actually was.

[privategal]

Thanks Privategal, this is really good advice. I haven't done ANYTHING for myself since this affair started. I was so consumed by it, I didn't have the head space, time or energy to do anything. Your words have really struck a chord with me. I'm still only on day 1 of NC, so I might not be leaping out of bed tomorrow to distract myself, but I will set a deadline (in the next couple of days) to start getting my life back on track and gently start to find myself again, find things I love doing and begin my life again. I've had a good day, all things considered. Giving myself time to read posts on here, see what a cliche the whole affair was, see how he behaves and says the things that all MM do. I'm grateful I've got the time and space to face up to the reality of what this whole joke of a 'relationship' actually was.

 

Well as I said...you cant fake your all good, you do need to grieve but this continuous why, how, what, why why whyyyy....no! It steals your life.

If mm still gets all this space in your head all day every day then you might as well be back in the affair.

Get a haircut, clean your closet, finish a project, book a trip...get into LIFE.

You were tied to phone, text, email...go live. Just live WHILE you greive but who cares the reasons for it all...once your well into healing you can revisit your growth as a person but right now, rest the brain...he owned your thoughts long enough, no more analyzing.

Analyze what color to paint your toes in your pedicure.

Hes probably golfing or hanging with his family or buddies. But you shouldnt care if he fell off the planet. Its over. So let all the thinking go to YOUR world.

[LondonGirl81]

Well as I said...you cant fake your all good, you do need to grieve but this continuous why, how, what, why why whyyyy....no! It steals your life.

If mm still gets all this space in your head all day every day then you might as well be back in the affair.

Get a haircut, clean your closet, finish a project, book a trip...get into LIFE.

You were tied to phone, text, email...go live. Just live WHILE you greive but who cares the reasons for it all...once your well into healing you can revisit your growth as a person but right now, rest the brain...he owned your thoughts long enough, no more analyzing.

Analyze what color to paint your toes in your pedicure.

Hes probably golfing or hanging with his family or buddies. But you shouldnt care if he fell off the planet. Its over. So let all the thinking go to YOUR world.

 

For the first time in 10 months I am actually placing the emphasis on thinking about me and not analysing him, and right now I couldn't care less if he fell off the planet! Point taken Privategal, I will try to get out of my head. Going out for dinner tomorrow night for a friends birthday which will do the trick, and also focusing on helping a friend who's going through a really hard time, which has nothing to do with their love lives, thank God! I will take your advice and do something lovely for ME!

[lemondrop21]

You asked for book recommendations - Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl by Natalie Lue. She has a website called Baggage Reclaim that's very helpful, about all sorts of unhealthy relationships. She's funny and no-nonsense. If you've had other unhealthy relationships prior to MM, you'll probably recognize some patterns.

 

I tried the podcast from goasksuzie that's intended for "the affair partner" and I couldn't really get past 5 minutes or so. This was back in September when things were still very heated, though. Let me know how it goes for you. I can imagine it coming off as either soothing or condescending, depending on your mood and temperment.

 

I've found it helpful to focus some of my time on thinking about me, what I have to sort out in my own life, my own goals, etc. It's hard in the early days post-breakup, but if you can force yourself to write something down about what you envision for your future, that can be very helpful.

 

I understand how you feel about NC and I basically did the same thing - 5 weeks of NC where I was obsessing through most of it. My advice in this case is that you have some sort of a plan in place, even if it's not explicitly "NC." What are your new boundaries? What would be a good reason to initiate conversation? How will you respond when he tries to draw you back in? etc.

 

When you actually think it through, you see that eventually, there really will be no reason for you to have contact with the man, and that NC will be the natural result even if you're not explicitly calling it that.

 

Best of luck to you hun! You're in for a rough ride but I know you can do it.

[lemondrop21]

Oh, one more suggestion - if you have any awesome single straight guy friends, hang out with them as soon as you feel able to. It can be really refreshing to be around good men, even when it's just in a platonic sense. It helps remind you that there are good men in the world and you will find someone good for you. I promise .

[lemondrop21]

Ugh, I accidentally missed page 2 of this thread. Sorry for the redundant book recommendations.

[LondonGirl81]

You asked for book recommendations - Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl by Natalie Lue. She has a website called Baggage Reclaim that's very helpful, about all sorts of unhealthy relationships. She's funny and no-nonsense. If you've had other unhealthy relationships prior to MM, you'll probably recognize some patterns.

 

I tried the podcast from goasksuzie that's intended for "the affair partner" and I couldn't really get past 5 minutes or so. This was back in September when things were still very heated, though. Let me know how it goes for you. I can imagine it coming off as either soothing or condescending, depending on your mood and temperment.

 

I've found it helpful to focus some of my time on thinking about me, what I have to sort out in my own life, my own goals, etc. It's hard in the early days post-breakup, but if you can force yourself to write something down about what you envision for your future, that can be very helpful.

 

I understand how you feel about NC and I basically did the same thing - 5 weeks of NC where I was obsessing through most of it. My advice in this case is that you have some sort of a plan in place, even if it's not explicitly "NC." What are your new boundaries? What would be a good reason to initiate conversation? How will you respond when he tries to draw you back in? etc.

 

When you actually think it through, you see that eventually, there really will be no reason for you to have contact with the man, and that NC will be the natural result even if you're not explicitly calling it that.

 

Best of luck to you hun! You're in for a rough ride but I know you can do it.

 

Thanks so much lemondrop! I'll look at baggage reclaim.

Funnily enough, my counsellor had recently asked me to focus on what my life would be like when this ended. Two weeks ago she asked me to write a story of who I am, once this is all over, and it was an amazing exercise. It was filled with positive things and how I'd have my life back on track. I don't know whether that had anything to do with me finally ending it! I saw her this evening, and she suggested I continued the story. Hopefully, before too long, it won't be the story, and will be real life.

Regarding NC, in my crazed state yesterday, I was actually referring to blocking him - I am absolutely going down the NC route as there is nothing left to say. But blocking him a few months ago caused me to obsess so much, I ended up unblocking him and contacting him! I do feel very differently now, so blocking him might be totally fine, but I am terrified of having the same reaction. I talked about this in counselling and going to see how it goes. If he does try to suck me back in, and there is any element of weakness on my part, then blocking him will be a necessity. At the moment if he dared try to contact me it would repel me even more - it just highlights how he puts his own needs first and has no respect for my well being or wishes.

[lemondrop21]

Thanks so much lemondrop! I'll look at baggage reclaim.

Funnily enough, my counsellor had recently asked me to focus on what my life would be like when this ended. Two weeks ago she asked me to write a story of who I am, once this is all over, and it was an amazing exercise. It was filled with positive things and how I'd have my life back on track. I don't know whether that had anything to do with me finally ending it! I saw her this evening, and she suggested I continued the story. Hopefully, before too long, it won't be the story, and will be real life.

Regarding NC, in my crazed state yesterday, I was actually referring to blocking him - I am absolutely going down the NC route as there is nothing left to say. But blocking him a few months ago caused me to obsess so much, I ended up unblocking him and contacting him! I do feel very differently now, so blocking him might be totally fine, but I am terrified of having the same reaction. I talked about this in counselling and going to see how it goes. If he does try to suck me back in, and there is any element of weakness on my part, then blocking him will be a necessity. At the moment if he dared try to contact me it would repel me even more - it just highlights how he puts his own needs first and has no respect for my well being or wishes.

 

That's an awesome exercise that your counselor suggested and I'm inspired to try it myself.

 

I understand all of your thoughts exactly about NC and have been through the same thought process. With me, I didn't block, and he tried to contact me a few times, and I ignored, and then I was ultimately the one who broke NC out of anger - I wanted to really give him a piece of my mind. Well, this just led to a restart of the push-pull and circular conversations.

 

I don't have any great answers, except that I think the affair is over when it's over, and eventually you will get disgusted enough with it, or you'll meet someone else, or he'll cease all contact because a DDay happened (it can happen even after the A has ended)... or WHATEVER, but the point is that it's over when it's over. The A is not sustainable indefinitely unless you are okay with being a long-term mistress AND his wife is content to look the other way if/when she finds out. It doesn't sound like that's the route you'll go down. You sound like a strong person with a good head on your shoulders. So keep working through it in whatever way, and continue to pat yourself on the back for everything you're doing that is moving you forward in life.

[ShatteredLady]

Stay strong! You're doing London proud

 

At some point you will look back at this learning experience & just roll your eyes that you became so involved.

[Girlfromcali]

 

I understand all of your thoughts exactly about NC and have been through the same thought process. With me, I didn't block, and he tried to contact me a few times, and I ignored, and then I was ultimately the one who broke NC out of anger - I wanted to really give him a piece of my mind. Well, this just led to a restart of the push-pull and circular conversations.

 

It goes something like that, and that's why I was never able to do real NC. However, I showed him my anger during our A, never after it was over. There was no point in my mind to show him the anger after there was nothing to be salvaged anymore.

 

But it's funny, because my mind always knew it was over the day it was over, yet my heart was hoping for a some kind of miracle. I probably still do, even after reading everybody's experiences that might as well be my own. I cannot NOT love the one I love. How can I force myself to not love someone?

[privategal]

Thanks so much lemondrop! I'll look at baggage reclaim.

Funnily enough, my counsellor had recently asked me to focus on what my life would be like when this ended. Two weeks ago she asked me to write a story of who I am, once this is all over, and it was an amazing exercise. It was filled with positive things and how I'd have my life back on track. I don't know whether that had anything to do with me finally ending it! I saw her this evening, and she suggested I continued the story. Hopefully, before too long, it won't be the story, and will be real life.

Regarding NC, in my crazed state yesterday, I was actually referring to blocking him - I am absolutely going down the NC route as there is nothing left to say. But blocking him a few months ago caused me to obsess so much, I ended up unblocking him and contacting him! I do feel very differently now, so blocking him might be totally fine, but I am terrified of having the same reaction. I talked about this in counselling and going to see how it goes. If he does try to suck me back in, and there is any element of weakness on my part, then blocking him will be a necessity. At the moment if he dared try to contact me it would repel me even more - it just highlights how he puts his own needs first and has no respect for my well being or wishes.

Im not sure where this trend started here on LS recently about doing NC or not and all the excuses to not do it (ie. Triggers anxiety wondering if he wrote, I want to show myself Im strong enough in my resolve, blah blah...)

Listen guys, Im being FIRM...Do not leave the door open. Dont even think of it as NC...think of him as DEAD. There isnt more to say...he shouldnt have access to you and the second that youve gone weeks without thoughts and stop analyzing...boom...he writes...your analyzing "why did he write, what did he mean by that, I responded and I regret it, I shouldve said this or that, he misses me...now I miss him..."

If you are serious about being done and healing, get RID of all your weak excuses and be done.

Be woman enough to stop waiting, hoping, needing validation.

NC is NOT and option. You wanna heal...nc...he can say or write nothing that can affect you. You are moving on and NOT open to discussion.

Its not over until its nc...for LIFE.

ANYTHING LESS IS A GAME!

[ShatteredLady]

Do him & his mates hang-out in the same pub as you & your friends? Is it possible to completely avoid him? Could running into him after a few drinks be a danger?

 

I hope you've confided in some of your close girl friends & they are helping you. Think of a comical degrading nick-name for him & stop even using his name when you talk about him!! He's a scummy predator. Heart breaking that he has a loving wife & little kids. Ugh!! He doesn't deserve a 'human name' anymore.

 

My friend has some great names for her exMM. It's hard to mourn him when we're giggling at his derogatory names! Bumbrains have no place in your new fantastic life.