One step forward, two steps back :(

[Mirandaaa]

I didn't read all your posts, but honey, you have some serious soul searching to do. I don't think your dad is going to kill himself, but he's probably trying to teach you a lesson with all that dark humor. Sometimes, as children, we say things we shouldn't, but saying that you wish someone were dead is beyond that. That's a very serious thing to say, not only is it hurtful, but it's terrifying. You need to see a counselor/therapist/psychiatrist.

 

Also, you need to stop making excuses for yourself. "I can't change overnight". Yes you can, you can make changes immediately, you can do anything you set your mind to. Just because you're young doesn't mean you get a 'get out of jail free' card. YOU have to make the decision to change and make a serious effort to repair the damage you've done to your relationship with your dad. I don't mean to sound insensitive, but the things you've said and done will land you in a much worse place if you keep going at this rate. I understand you may be sensitive and thoughtful and that you are reaching out for help on the internet, and this is my advice to you, make the changes now. Right now. Before it's too late.

 

I know you are trying to say that if you wish someone dead enough times that it will come true. That is like a guilt trip. I haven't said something like that to anyone in over a week. Also, when I said those things for example telling my dad to drop dead or I wish he would die, most of the time I wasn't even angry or screaming when I said it.

 

I have been angry or pissed off plenty of times this week and I didn't say anything hateful. For example I have been staying up late and I was having trouble getting out of bed in the morning. My parents have been making me go to bed like two hours earlier than usual on school nights so that I can get up earlier. I know it's for my own good, but nobody likes going to bed at 9:30. But even though I was irritated, I didn't say anything I just went to bed. That proves that I am trying to change.

[Mirandaaa]

Also, I might add that since I have been getting more sleep I feel better mentally, physically and emotionally and I overheard my parents talking this morning about my attitude being much better since I have been going to bed earlier.

[Mirandaaa]

I thought everything was going okay between me and my parents but I did

something last night that I give up everything I have if I could only take it back and it didn't happen. I told him I wish he was dead and that he was worthless. My grandparents (my dad's parents) are staying with us for a week, and it started out being a fun night with my mom and grandma in the kitchen making a cake, and my dad and my Papa jamming on their guitars.

 

My dad was acting silly and strumming his guitar and I asked him for help on a math problem. I have a test coming up on Monday and I only have the weekend to study. He was too busy acting silly with my Papa to pay attention to me. When Papa went in the kitchen to get a drink I reminded my dad that I needed help, but he ignored me and just kept playing. So I went over and put my homework in his face. I wasn't being hateful, I was just like "Here dad, please take a look at this." He was like, "Yeah in a minute Miranda!" and kept playing his stupid mandolin and smiling at me trying to get me to laugh.

 

Now I would give anything if I would have just smiled and went to my room, but I can't changed what was done. I was in a bad mood because I wanted to just finish my homework, and I KNOW this was wrong but I crumpled up my paper and threw it in his face, and I said it. That he was worthless and that I wish he was dead. I would cut off my arm right now if I could take it back but it's too late.

 

And I didn't mean it the way it sounded, like he was worthless but I meant that he was being worthless right then because I needed help with my homework. But I guess he thought I was saying he was just worthless, and he put his guitar down and walked out into the storm where there was lightening striking down everywhere. My mom came running in asking why my dad went outside, then my Papa went out after him but he kept walking. So he endangered his own father's life right there by making him go out in the lightening after him.

 

Then it started pouring down raining and a lightening bolt struck and it

sounded like an explosion but my Papa was still trying to make my dad come back inside. My mom and grandma were worried and begging them to come inside. Finally he made my dad come in the garage.

 

They were out there for a long time and when Papa came back in he was soaked wet and looking at me shaking his head, my mom and grandma were asking what happened. Then Papa told me I had better go out in the garage and talk to my dad because he is crying, but I couldn't do it so I ran up to my parents room and got two melatonins out of my mom's purse and took them so I could fall asleep fast.

 

I know I shouldn't have done that but they are only 1mg each and my mom gives me two sometimes to help me fall asleep.When I woke up this morning I woke up to a feeling of dread and I know that my relationship with my parents has now reached a crisis point, because of me. But I feel so clammed up, like I can't do anything to change it.

 

I was enjoying my grandparents being here and then I ruined everything with one stupid reaction. I was so upset that I didn't come down for breakfast.

When I finally got up the nerve to show my face this morning my parents and grandparents were at the kitchen table playing a game. Everyone looked kind of somber but my dad smiled at me and asked me if I wanted

to join them. That is when I noticed that his eyes looked like he had been crying again this morning, and my grandma smiled and told me good morning, but she didn't really look at me or say anything else to me. And she was kind of looking depressed and sniffling like she might have been crying too, so it was all too depressing and I just went back to my room.

 

I don't expect anyone to understand or tell me its okay because it's not okay. I'm the one who did this and no matter how many times people tell me I need to change, I can't. I just needed to say this and write it out.

[SaveYourHeart]

I thought everything was going okay between me and my parents but I did

something last night that I give up everything I have if I could only take it back and it didn't happen. I told him I wish he was dead and that he was worthless. My grandparents (my dad's parents) are staying with us for a week, and it started out being a fun night with my mom and grandma in the kitchen making a cake, and my dad and my Papa jamming on their guitars.

 

My dad was acting silly and strumming his guitar and I asked him for help on a math problem. I have a test coming up on Monday and I only have the weekend to study. He was too busy acting silly with my Papa to pay attention to me. When Papa went in the kitchen to get a drink I reminded my dad that I needed help, but he ignored me and just kept playing. So I went over and put my homework in his face. I wasn't being hateful, I was just like "Here dad, please take a look at this." He was like, "Yeah in a minute Miranda!" and kept playing his stupid mandolin and smiling at me trying to get me to laugh.

 

Now I would give anything if I would have just smiled and went to my room, but I can't changed what was done. I was in a bad mood because I wanted to just finish my homework, and I KNOW this was wrong but I crumpled up my paper and threw it in his face, and I said it. That he was worthless and that I wish he was dead. I would cut off my arm right now if I could take it back but it's too late.

 

And I didn't mean it the way it sounded, like he was worthless but I meant that he was being worthless right then because I needed help with my homework. But I guess he thought I was saying he was just worthless, and he put his guitar down and walked out into the storm where there was lightening striking down everywhere. My mom came running in asking why my dad went outside, then my Papa went out after him but he kept walking. So he endangered his own father's life right there by making him go out in the lightening after him.

 

Then it started pouring down raining and a lightening bolt struck and it

sounded like an explosion but my Papa was still trying to make my dad come back inside. My mom and grandma were worried and begging them to come inside. Finally he made my dad come in the garage.

 

They were out there for a long time and when Papa came back in he was soaked wet and looking at me shaking his head, my mom and grandma were asking what happened. Then Papa told me I had better go out in the garage and talk to my dad because he is crying, but I couldn't do it so I ran up to my parents room and got two melatonins out of my mom's purse and took them so I could fall asleep fast.

 

I know I shouldn't have done that but they are only 1mg each and my mom gives me two sometimes to help me fall asleep.When I woke up this morning I woke up to a feeling of dread and I know that my relationship with my parents has now reached a crisis point, because of me. But I feel so clammed up, like I can't do anything to change it.

 

I was enjoying my grandparents being here and then I ruined everything with one stupid reaction. I was so upset that I didn't come down for breakfast.

When I finally got up the nerve to show my face this morning my parents and grandparents were at the kitchen table playing a game. Everyone looked kind of somber but my dad smiled at me and asked me if I wanted

to join them. That is when I noticed that his eyes looked like he had been crying again this morning, and my grandma smiled and told me good morning, but she didn't really look at me or say anything else to me. And she was kind of looking depressed and sniffling like she might have been crying too, so it was all too depressing and I just went back to my room.

 

I don't expect anyone to understand or tell me its okay because it's not okay. I'm the one who did this and no matter how many times people tell me I need to change, I can't. I just needed to say this and write it out.

Like I said before, you have to make the decision to change. It is entirely possible and you can do it immediately. You are choosing not to change. That is your CHOICE. You can change, you can stop being straight up nasty and mean, but you choose not to. Saying "I can't" is ridiculous. You're admitting guilt but not taking responsibility.

[SaveYourHeart]

I know you are trying to say that if you wish someone dead enough times that it will come true. That is like a guilt trip. I haven't said something like that to anyone in over a week. Also, when I said those things for example telling my dad to drop dead or I wish he would die, most of the time I wasn't even angry or screaming when I said it.

 

I have been angry or pissed off plenty of times this week and I didn't say anything hateful. For example I have been staying up late and I was having trouble getting out of bed in the morning. My parents have been making me go to bed like two hours earlier than usual on school nights so that I can get up earlier. I know it's for my own good, but nobody likes going to bed at 9:30. But even though I was irritated, I didn't say anything I just went to bed. That proves that I am trying to change.

Also, I never said, "If you say it enough times, it's going to happen". But, you know, maybe you need a little guilt trip. Wishing death on someone is a horrible thing to do, much less doing it multiple times to one of the two people who love you most in this world. You have an attitude problem, and you need to fix it before you irreparably damage your relationship with your parents.

[GorillaTheater]

A heart-felt apology, together with an explanation of why you believe you lash out this way, and affirming to your dad that you really do love him, would go an awfully long ways towards healing this situation.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Write a letter to your dad NOW. Stop what you're doing right now and go get a sheet a paper and a pen and write. Yes, now. Tell him that you didn't mean what you said that you are sorry. You don't have to write anything more than that.

 

Get over this hump and be brave and write this letter. It'll do you and your family a world of good.

 

It's just 2 sentences. " I'm sorry, Dad. I didn't mean what I said to you."

 

DO IT.

 

I promise this simple thing you do will make HUGE difference. You will also feel better. Relieve yourself of this guilt and take this baby step.

 

Will you do it, Mirandaa?

[bathtub-row]

Those horrible words come out of your mouth far too easily. Do you know what? I'm in my 50's and I've never uttered those words to anyone. Not ever. And don't think that's because no one ever really pissed me off big-time because that's far from true.

 

I think your parents have simply spoiled you too much. You overact to everything and you have the temperament of some who is very self-centered.

 

You need to apologize profusely and then promise yourself that you'll never say those words to anyone ever again. It's really simple. You just don't say them.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

You're lucky to have such a patient, kind and loving father. Not many people could be as calm and patient with their kid being so horribly disrespectful, rude and hurtful to them.

 

I almost agree with other who say that you've really had no discipline or consequences for your behavior. Your parents have been too lenient and it's been detrimental to you. I almost think that you don't respect your dad because he takes what you give him and does nothing about it. In other words, you don't respect your dad because he lets you walk all over him.

 

Does this make sense?

 

In any case, you're taking advantage of his kindness and his love. Write the note of apology and start changing your life. Change your habit..change your life. Your habit is to run away when you mess up and pretend like it never happened. Change this habit by writing or saying an apology to your dad. It's a small step but HUGE change.

Edited April 11, 2016 by seekingpeaceinlove

[Mirandaaa]

Those horrible words come out of your mouth far too easily. Do you know what? I'm in my 50's and I've never uttered those words to anyone. Not ever. And don't think that's because no one ever really pissed me off big-time because that's far from true.

 

I think your parents have simply spoiled you too much. You overact to everything and you have the temperament of some who is very self-centered.

 

You need to apologize profusely and then promise yourself that you'll never say those words to anyone ever again. It's really simple. You just don't say them.

 

First of all my parents haven't spoiled me. Second of all I said I was sorry and that I wish I could take it back. I didn't expect anyone to tell me that it was okay how I reacted. And I don't believe you when you say that you never said mean things to anyone. That is not possible unless you were like perfect or something and your parents never did anything to pissed you off. But even then, I'm sure you said mean things to other kids in school at least once. Or if you had siblings I'm sure you hated them sometimes and wished them dead, even if you didn't really mean it.

[bathtub-row]

First of all my parents haven't spoiled me. Second of all I said I was sorry and that I wish I could take it back. I didn't expect anyone to tell me that it was okay how I reacted. And I don't believe you when you say that you never said mean things to anyone. That is not possible unless you were like perfect or something and your parents never did anything to pissed you off. But even then, I'm sure you said mean things to other kids in school at least once. Or if you had siblings I'm sure you hated them sometimes and wished them dead, even if you didn't really mean it.

 

I never said I haven't ever said anything mean to anyone. What I said is that those particular words have never come out of my mouth. It's a very serious thing to tell someone that you wish they were dead. You say those words very easily, the moment you don't get your way or get the attention you want. Just because you say you're sorry doesn't mean everything is fixed. The next step after apologizing is to never do it again. This isn't something you seem to be capable of doing.

 

You may not think you're spoiled but, as far as your parents are concerned, they have spoiled you. I personally wouldn't tolerate my child saying something like that to me. There are limits as to what should be said, even in moments if anger. It's called self-control.

 

This is something very important for you to get a handle on. Think about it if you ever say that to a friend of yours, or later in life if you stay it to your husband or child. Those words are unforgettable and it's unlikely that they would be as understanding and forgiving as your parents have been. You're setting yourself up for a very big fall if you don't learn to control the impulsive things you say.

Edited April 12, 2016 by bathtub-row

[whichwayisup]

You need to stop being afraid of being open and honest and vulnerable around your dad (and mom), sit them down and talk. Have an honest and true conversation about everything. You do need to apologize to your dad face to face too.

 

I get the homework thing, but waiting 10 minutes or even half an hour wouldn't and shouldn't make a huge difference.

 

There's so many misunderstandings and things taken out of context, reactions and then words said in anger that you can't take back. Somehow you need to learn to take a deep breath and think before you speak. Ask yourself "is this OK to say to my dad?"

 

You know better and now have regrets again.

 

DO you have it in you to ask your mom for help - meaning maybe some family counseling could help you to cope with things in a healthier way.

 

Did you ever write a letter to your dad? I've suggested this a few times.

[turnera]

This would be an excellent opportunity to tell your mom you'd like to go see a counselor. Someone who's safe to talk to, who won't share what you say with your parents, and who will help you find solutions to whatever issues you have, who has the training to see ideas you may not have thought of.

[Mirandaaa]

My mom called me today at school and she said my dad was coming to pick me up early cause he had to talk to me. So he picked me up and we got a lot of things out in the open.. He told me that if he ever did have biological kids he could never love them as much as he loves me. He said he wasn't sure if I even loved him. He talked about how cute I was when I was little and how much he loved me and all the cute things that I did and how proud he was of me. We talked about a lot of things, and I almost cried.

 

But one thing that sticks out in my head as that I looked in my dad's eyes today and he looked higher than a kite. Like he had been smoking weed or on some kind of controlled substance. Maybe cocaine or pot. I know what people look like who are on drugs. Their eyes are glassy and slitty and they smile with a weird smile like they are stoned. He was just acting weird. I never imaged my dad would be on drugs, I could never even dream of it. He hugged me and I hugged him back but I couldn't say I love you. It's still too hard to say. All I can think about now is that my dad could be high on something. I'm sorry for the purple prose. I don't know how else to write how what I want to say even if it sounds like I am over dramatiizing.

[Mirandaaa]

But on the upside, we walked from the park over to the ice cream shop to get ice cream sundaes (we went to the park after he picked me up) and then we sat on the bleachers and watched some people practicing on the tennis courts.

[whichwayisup]

Don't read into what you see in your dad's eyes. Maybe he had been crying a lot and put eye drops in his eyes to hide it from you. Don't assume that he's doing drugs and high. I seriously doubt it, even more so that he drove the car.

 

I still think you can write him a letter, maybe saying ILY will be easier in writing.

 

I hope you feel better and now can learn to trust your dad, that he does love you and not to doubt his love for you.

[ChickiePops]

First of all, why is it that you think you know what high people look like? It sounds to me like your dad had been crying.

 

Second, your dad sounds lovely. It sounds like he loves you very much and he's sad that you treat him the way you do. I truly hope you are brave and mature enough to ask your parents to get you some therapy.

 

I was not adopted but my mom was artificially inseminated so I don't know who my father is. Therapy was very helpful to me when I was your age.

 

Also..any dummy can get pregnant..your parents had to work incredibly hard to get you. You were wanted and you are loved. Same with my mom. She was mentally ill and she died a long time ago when I was pretty young but despite everything I went through as a kid I always knew I was wanted. So do you.

[SaveYourHeart]

You're reading way too much into what you think his eyes, I highly doubt he's high, he's upset, he's been crying, maybe you've caused him so much pain that his smile is forced?

 

Regardless, you are the child, he is the adult. He can make decisions for himself. Why is it so hard for you to tell him that you love him?

[Mirandaaa]

I asked my mom why he was acting weird. She said probably because before he picked me up he had to see his doctor yesterday to get a prescription. So I looked in his cabinet, there was a bottle of pills that said Trimethroprim something. I asked her what they were and she grabbed the bottle and said it's nothing for me to worry about. So I guess I was right about drugs. His eyes weren't really glassy. They were like sleepy or something. Not really bloodshot. I can't describe it. Not accusing him of doing hard drugs, cause if I was, I would just say "I saw my dad smoking weed or I saw my dad snorting coke." So he wasn't crying he really was on something.

[whichwayisup]

I asked my mom why he was acting weird. She said probably because before he picked me up he had to see his doctor yesterday to get a prescription. So I looked in his cabinet, there was a bottle of pills that said Trimethroprim something. I asked her what they were and she grabbed the bottle and said it's nothing for me to worry about. So I guess I was right about drugs. His eyes weren't really glassy. They were like sleepy or something. Not really bloodshot. I can't describe it. Not accusing him of doing hard drugs, cause if I was, I would just say "I saw my dad smoking weed or I saw my dad snorting coke." So he wasn't crying he really was on something.

 

No, you're wrong. He's on antibiotics. Your dad is NOT doing drugs.

[Mirandaaa]

I know what it is, I already looked it up on the internet when my mom snatched the bottle away. I wanted to know why my dad is taking it so I asked him and he told me what is wrong with him. I'm not worried and it's no big deal. He promised me he would be okay soon. I told him that my mom wouldn't tell me what was wrong like it was none of my business, so he told my mom there wasn't any reason to keep things like that from me.

[whichwayisup]

I know what it is, I already looked it up on the internet when my mom snatched the bottle away. I wanted to know why my dad is taking it so I asked him and he told me what is wrong with him. I'm not worried and it's no big deal. He promised me he would be okay soon. I told him that my mom wouldn't tell me what was wrong like it was none of my business, so he told my mom there wasn't any reason to keep things like that from me.

 

Okay be glad your dad was truthful and up front with you. He is showing you so many ways that he loves and trusts you. Time for you to do the same for him.

[Mirandaaa]

I kind of just casually dropped the subject of therapy to my friend today. Didn't tell her about any of my issues I just told her I was depressed. She told me that if I go into therapy, they would diagnose me and prescribe pills. I don't want to take pills. If they prescribe them to me and it's a day when I'm really depressed, then I'll be tempted to take them. Besides, I'm really sick today with a headache from crying and worrying about my dad. Plus I just found out today my grandma (moms mother) has breast cancer. It's in its early stages so they should be able to treat it so that she won't die from it.

Edited April 14, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed links ~T

[SJS]

I asked my mom why he was acting weird. She said probably because before he picked me up he had to see his doctor yesterday to get a prescription. So I looked in his cabinet, there was a bottle of pills that said Trimethroprim something. I asked her what they were and she grabbed the bottle and said it's nothing for me to worry about. So I guess I was right about drugs. His eyes weren't really glassy. They were like sleepy or something. Not really bloodshot. I can't describe it. Not accusing him of doing hard drugs, cause if I was, I would just say "I saw my dad smoking weed or I saw my dad snorting coke." So he wasn't crying he really was on something.

Trimethoprim is an antibiotic. He was not high. Heck, it could be for pink eye or something!

[SJS]

I kind of just casually dropped the subject of therapy to my friend today. Didn't tell her about any of my issues I just told her I was depressed. She told me that if I go into therapy, they would diagnose me and prescribe pills. I don't want to take pills. If they prescribe them to me and it's a day when I'm really depressed, then I'll be tempted to take them. Besides, I'm really sick today with a headache from crying and worrying about my dad. Plus I just found out today my grandma (moms mother) has breast cancer. It's in its early stages so they should be able to treat it so that she won't die from it.

If you see a regular counselor, they won't give you any medicine. They teach you the skills to work through issues. If you see a psychiatrist, they might but won't teach you the skills that a counselor (social worker, etc) will. Someone correct me if I'm wrong?

 

 

So sorry to hear about your grandmother. Glad it was caught early.