The End???

[S2B]

Why does she still have ANY credit/credit cards that you foot the bill on?

 

Closing all access to her spending is wise.

 

Take control of the things you CAN change.

[Friskyone4u]

It's is one thing for you to have to sit on this until June when you can get your kids out of there. It is an entirely different thing that you are letting her spend you in to oblivion while she is carrying on an affair with some guy planning to visit.

 

Leave her just enough money to buy a Snickers bar for herself and get her off the credit cards . Let whoever she loves fund her shopping sprees.

 

And as far as her fighting with you, I am guessing where you are in Asia the ACLU does not have a chapter, so what the hell is she going to pay for her fighting with. Her ass!!!

 

You need to start playing to win here and get rid of her.

Edited May 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language~T

[ShatteredLady]

At any moment in time, any day, any week, any year she can walk out the door with your children & you could never see them again. A man who's happy to be a step father often would rather the biological father was out of the picture.

 

I thought that your issue was getting the kids into another country so legally she couldn't take them from you. Is this the case? Why are you talking about mediation & stuff? Do you or do you not want to be married to this woman?

 

I wish I knew which European country you come from. Many have laws to stop one parent running off with the kids to another country. You say it takes a year, how long have you been posting for?

 

There must be things you're not saying. Is the only problem now getting your children out of Japan or not?

 

Sorry to sound harsh. This keeps going on without change. I know it's a horrible situation but you're working so hard to send your kids to private school to better their future whilst raising them in a dysfunctional home.

[HurtHusband]

She asked for her money back. I have had it for almost 2 yrs in my bank acc in my home country ( higher interest rate there )

Now it's not a huge amount but it's enough to start a new life. I knew this would happen some day. I said there is interest payable this summer or that I'll take alittle from my post office acc and pay the cc bill next week.. But no! She wants her money. It will take 5-6 days. I can't give her her money back, first if all it's inheritance she got after her father died. She already owns the apt we live in ( bought with inheritance and signed by her with no mention of me anywhere )

I supported this family for 6 yrs and she has not worked a day.. I paid the rent even before we had kids...

 

After what she said to me... I feel like once she is flush with cash, she will throw me away like a used tissue... There is no alimony or division of assets here...

The money should be used for the kids.. What about everything I did to support this family ? I don't get anything back...

 

I am playing it cool right now... But this has really send alarm bells ringing in my head... I earn a good salary but I am like a hamster in a wheel and all my miney goes towards our family ( school, bills, food, etc)

 

 

I am just treated with contempt / I have to get out very soon

[Poutrew]

Yeah, sounds like you aren't going to be able to wait till June. What about just chucking everything in the trash and leaving for the other country with the kids right now?

[HurtHusband]

She knows it takes 5-6 days and I doubt she will do anything until she gets her money back... I acted cool and just said fine I'll get my dad to sort it out / but I am already planning. Having her money was always a useful

Bargaining chip.. But the way things are / I do not feel comfortable at all handing back all her money and then what?? I will be in the street with nothing..

[merrmeade]

She knows it takes 5-6 days and I doubt she will do anything until she gets her money back... I acted cool and just said fine I'll get my dad to sort it out / but I am already planning. Having her money was always a useful

Bargaining chip.. But the way things are / I do not feel comfortable at all handing back all her money and then what?? I will be in the street with nothing..

Isn't this exactly the kind of question lawyers are supposed to handle? As in your lawyer, hired to solve potentially compromising issues and protect yours and your children's rights and interests according to the laws of the country you're going to be living in. So can't you contact that lawyer? The one that advises you regarding your options in your country of origin?

[merrmeade]

10 characters

Edited April 25, 2016 by merrmeade

[merrmeade]

I doubt she will do anything until she gets her money back....

- which is why you can't give it now even if you should. You have to put her off and get all your ducks in a row and ready to fly at a moment's notice.

 

Can she force your hand?

[HurtHusband]

The lawyer in my country of origin told me to move out and take the kids than go from there. The lawyer I spoke to here, with all his experience said "well you could just go to the airport..." Draw your own conclusions, but it's like he told me, once your out your out, family court is voluntary here and I don't have any rights. The kids actually don't have rights to see both of us either.. No law here...

 

I would just be dealing with her and she can decide whatever she wants....

[merrmeade]

The lawyer in my country of origin told me to move out and take the kids than go from there. The lawyer I spoke to here, with all his experience said "well you could just go to the airport..." Draw your own conclusions, but it's like he told me, once your out your out, family court is voluntary here and I don't have any rights. The kids actually don't have rights to see both of us either.. No law here...

 

I would just be dealing with her and she can decide whatever she wants....

Sounds like you know the answer: You can either -

 

(1) Continue being a nice guy, which no one appreciates or will remember (least of all her), and possibly (likely?) end up discarded and humiliated with nothing—none of the money you earned and paid out and no family.

 

(2) Or put together the plan of action you hope to execute, anticipate everything that can go wrong and prepare contingencies.

 

Plus:

Have everything ready for a possible emergency departure with the kids if she pulls a surprise sucker punch on you that would land you back at square 1 without a get-home-free card.

[drifter777]

Tell me again why you just don't take the kids to the airport and fly away?

[ShatteredLady]

People have been advising for a long time. Have you hidden cameras etc to get evidence of her physical abuse of the children?

 

My understanding of this situation is - You would walk out & start divorce proceedings today if you lived in a country that recognizes fathers rights?

 

You either divorce & loose your children completely, according to her whim or you learn where legally you can take your children & keep them using evidence of her abuse.

 

Why are you still saying that there's nothing you can do without loosing your kids because you live in Japan?

 

Now your W is asking for her money. Her OM is arriving in a couple of months. What do they have planned? I'm afraid that you're going to procrastinate until you're served with divorce papers, thrown out & denied access to your kids.

[HurtHusband]

I told my wife I can't withdraw her money cause the bank back home needs my signature and ID etc. she believed me and didn't question it! I paid the CC bill

And that's that! I was worried about that. I said we can go home in the sumner and I can sign and you can get your money back ( a lie )..

 

Her main worry was not being able to use the cc card until the bill is paid/ they add on some late fees too.

 

In other news / last night I had a quick chance to check her phone and the married guy in the US texted her and she replied. Last tune was mid February / valentines day. I know it sounds crazy, but for the briefest of moments when contact stopped I thought, had she changed? Is she trying to be good and stop her fooling around??

 

Did not have time to photo the mail.. But he wrote how he's working on some essay for his dept related to this country and how he's still mad to visit her..

Her reply was just like the old ones.. Dreaming about when he visits and what fun things they can do together.. She sent him a link. She wants to take him glamping! Just last week she mentioned glamping and wanted us as a family to go. I guess it's popular recently.

 

No fixed date for his visit/ no dramas and I preserve the happy family facade and keep in touch with back home and we talk

about the summer camp..that's the cover story...

He might visit before July / or it would be perfect if I and the kids went and arranged to meet her later ( I imagine she would want to be here to see him/ he can hardly change his dates as it's a work related trip )

 

That would work out beautifully and they can 'glamp' all they freeking want while me and the kids are back in Europe and I call his wife and fill her in.

[Mr Blunt]

That would work out beautifully and they can 'glamp' all they freeking want while me and the kids are back in Europe and I call his wife and fill her in.

 

Now that sounds like a GREAT plan!

 

 

Glad to hear you are planning on taking action to better yourself and your children; I was beginning to wonder if you were a door mat. Congratulations HurtHusband for having a plan to stop your wife from brutally abusing you and your children!

[Fearful]

Having a plan is one thing and execution of plan is another. Plan execution require a person with real back bone. What happened to your first plan of running away to Europe with your kids by the summer of 2015?

[merrmeade]

Having a plan is one thing and execution of plan is another. Plan execution require a person with real back bone. What happened to your first plan of running away to Europe with your kids by the summer of 2015?

Well, I guess it's totally appropriate that - in this virtual enactment of a real-life tragicomedy - there should be a Blunt and a Fearful revealing the truth of both extremes.

 

So let it be, HH, that Ff should remind you of your penchant for inaction and Mr. B congratulates you on your pro-active efforts. Just keep going and keep real and present all of her past abuses - all the intimidation, dismissal and manipulation besides the outright abuse of you and your children and adultery. Her self-entitlement is what will not change and you have to stay clear about that. Your confusion of the past can now be hers or at least her belief that you are still her stooge. Use your resentment and anger to make it happen. You are no longer "Hurt Husband."

[HurtHusband]

So now everything is normal / and it's likely we will go back this summer.

She suspects nothing and instead it's like a holiday/adventure and it's 'how about if we stop of here? Or there?' There are no direct flights to my home country so we always have a stop off.....

 

There is a lot going through my head. As in, what the &@¥& do I do? How do I confront her? How will she react? Life and my marriage as I know it will be over. I don't want her to be angry at me.. Angry cause I checked her phone.. Or cause I said nothing all along and suddenly I want out. I am the one who should be angry and she needs to realize that.. It's natural to want to avoid pain and suffering. But her cheating is pushing me to breaking point and it has to stop or otherwise one day I will really flip.

 

Her actions have really hurt me and she doesn't know I know about her texting the other guy. All of that will come out in the open... Also I love the kids and don't want them to experience any distress... I have the right to be angry and protect myself and my kids.. But I can't be expected to just put up with my wife's bad behavior and disrespect.. I hope she can acknowledge that her cheating is wrong/ if she can't do that or show any sort of remorse than I wonder how the hell will I be able to work with her ( regarding the kids )

It will be very difficult and tough/

Edited May 25, 2016 by HurtHusband

[JS84]

Your wife has never shown any remorse for what she's done or how she's treated you so I'm not sure why you would expect her to now. She sounds like she's either a psychopath or has some type of personality disorder. Whatever the case may be I doubt she's capable of being very empathetic. Especially to you.

 

I'm not even sure why you would feel the need to bring it up with her. If she suddenly decided to leave you for this guy do you think she'd give you an explanation as to why? Or would she leave you twisting in the wind after telling you to go **** yourself?? Seriously dude what do you think??

 

You don't owe her any explanations. And I doubt you'd get any response to accusing her of cheating besides her turning it around on you and complaining about you invading her privacy.

 

Your wife doesn't love you. Your wife doesn't respect you. Your wife isn't afraid of you. Your wife doesn't care if she hurts you. You need to accept this so you're able to move on emotionally, physically, and legally. You married a snake. That's it.

 

As for the kids, you're going to be stuck dealing with her until they're legal adults and I'm sure it's going to be a bumpy ride the entire way. Just make sure you can protect yourself and your parental rights to the best of your ability before you do any type of confronting, accusing, or filing for divorce.

 

I wouldn't even give her a heads up honestly as it just gives her an opportunity to go bat**** crazy and take action against you, and will most likely use the kids as part of it. Get all your ducks lined up in a row, have her served, and make sure you and your kids are protected before that happens. Like I said, after everything she's done and continues to do, you do not owe her the benefit of an explanation. I don't think you owe her much of anything.

Edited May 25, 2016 by JS84

[Liam1]

I told my wife I can't withdraw her money cause the bank back home needs my signature and ID etc. she believed me and didn't question it! I paid the CC bill

And that's that! I was worried about that. I said we can go home in the sumner and I can sign and you can get your money back ( a lie )..

 

 

Your wife sounds very child like and naive to fail to question what you told her, given the situation.

 

Be careful about these types of deceptions. I don't know about Europe but in the USA, if she can prove you deceived her you will at the very least have to make financial amends, and in some rare cases, charges of theft by deception can be filed. But I am only referring to the USA.

 

It might be worth the fee to discuss your actions with an attorney in Europe.

[GorillaTheater]

How do I confront her? How will she react? Life and my marriage as I know it will be over. I don't want her to be angry at me.

...

 

 

It will be very difficult and tough/

 

 

Based on what you've recounted since coming to LS, expect a thermonuclear reaction from her. Prepare accordingly with your lawyer's help.

 

 

You absolutely cannot be afraid of her anger. You don't have to relish it, just give her calmness and resolve in return.

 

 

And yeah, this entire thing will be very difficult and tough, but you can handle it. You're doing the right thing.

[oldshirt]

I agree with JS84. It is not in your interests to confront, explain or justify. Only further harm can come from that.

 

You are a tenderfoot babe in the woods and she is a big bad wolf. She will eat you in two gulps if you try to go toe to toe with her. She is evil and knows no bounds on what she will do to harm you.

 

Your best chance of survival is to work out the plan with your attorney(s) down to the last detail and then enact the plan and get away as far and as fast as possible before she even knows what's going on.

 

If you are having a fight, that means you have screwed up.

[TheWoman]

Oldshirt is right, confrontation is a huge mistake. Your only advantage here is stealth. Shut down your feelings, and get yourself and your children to a safe place. Everything else is irrelevant.

 

[HurtHusband]

I talk to people who have been in similar positions as myself in order to try and figure out what to do. For example I know one UK woman with two children, she was seperated from the husband and they were sharing custody.. Things were going ok at first but there were arguments about schooling and things got worse.. ( don't think they were divorced at this point ) on the advice of her lawyer she moved away from the ex with the kids .. He eventually found them and violently snatched them back. She did not attend family court and he was awarded custody. She has not seen her kids in over two years and she says they have been alienated from her.... She is back in the uk now.

 

A second father spend 21 days in jail here because his wife accused him of 'stalking' ( a lie ) in this country you can be held for 21 days in custody without being charged! ( it's 24hrs in most western countries )

 

He had his daughter back in his home country but a Hague case was filed and his daughter was sent back here within 2 months. He now sees his daughter sporadically through Skype once a week. His case is even stranger cause he never lived in this country and him and his wife/child were living in SE Asia.

He appealed the decision in his home country back in Europe but it was rejected.. Each country interprets the treaty differently, some countries are notorious for not complying ( Poland, Russia etc )

My own country also has a history of not complying ( which in my case would be a blessing )

 

 

I could try and persuade my wife to move back and if we did live there afew months the kids habitual residence would be my country. The trouble is, afew months later when we divorce / she can very easily flee back here and then your back to square one cause this country will not give a monkeys about your custody order and have never returned a child. There is also a giant 500 ft loophole in the treaty in how it's interpreted here... As soon as the word 'abuse' is mentioned than it's game over and they won't send the child back. No proof of abuse is needed.. What do you expect from a country where you can be held for 21 days without being charged?? You have to remember that shared custody ( legally ) and visitation rights do not exist ( yet ) in this country. Which is why I am in this quagmire in the first place..

 

 

 

My gut instinct and safest option would be to not seperate here as I will be at the mercy of my wife and an 'all or nothing' custom system where I will have no rights.. I don't fancy that, I am not optimistic about my wife being fair or reasonable post divorce...

 

 

 

Seperate back home and my wife will file a Hague case.. I would be in favor of negotiating with her.. Sharing custody.. Avoiding courts .. Dragging it out .. Getting the kids in school.. The kids can not be returned here..I will just end up like that UK woman. Sure my wife won't be happy, but I would like the kids to grow up and know both of us, i am protecting my right to see my kids, it's her actions that led to this situation.

 

 

If my wife does not even believe in my right to see the kids ( post divorce ) or shared custody than what can you do ??

She laid down the law before when I asked her what do you mean by divorce? I love the kids, I said... She replied ' you can see them once a month, she also said she'd put them in a different school so I wouldn't see them.

[HurtHusband]

Am suppose to buy tickets this week... To go back for four weeks from mid July.

One plan is to pretend everything is fine and half way through the holiday tell her my dad is sick and has to have tests and maybe we should stay on till Christmas or next spring. Two years ago my mother got sick and passed away within 6 months sadly. It's a plausible reason.. The kids can start school in sep.

She can go back in the return flight and tidy up things on this side..

The whole point of this is to get the kids in school and settled under the law in my country... I won't mention anything about her EA and texting for the previous yr. I would only mention all that if she would not play along. And she insists on going back. I would say our marriage is toast and do you want your family and friends to know everything and you to be totally shamed? She does not work and is dependent on me / if there is no way in hell she can stay on as a family until Christmas than that's really it...

 

 

I thought bluffing like in the above plan might be better than seperating and contacting her later with an explanation... At least legally and long term...

 

I am full of foreboding and anxiety.. Tbh I am pretty depressed and feel almost physically sick... I need help and advice but it's my life and my problem