Rough day

[BetrayedH]

So really you're essentially Parallel Parenting without even knowing what that is?

 

I think we both made an effort at legitimate co-parenting (for several years now) but it is evolving into parallel. It was becoming an open license for her to express criticism over my approach, decisions, etc. I'm afraid I don't have much patience for that. If her opinion were at least delivered with some tact and respect, I could respect it in turn. But it's not. And I have healthier boundaries about what treatment I am willing to accept.

[merrmeade]

Hey, bH - I just wanted to weigh in with a Pip pip, Carry On (not that I'm British or dismissive of your initial post) - that somehow I knew you'd pull out of it quickly and/or make good use of advice and your own gifts of character, understanding and resilience. And so you did.

 

But that's not to say you don't need and deserve words of encouragement, indignation and understanding on your behalf because you certainly didn't need or deserve to have your marriage turned inside out on you. I know you don't sit around feeling sorry for yourself any more, but I'm glad to see you'll share down times, however short-lived.

[BetrayedH]

Hey, bH - I just wanted to weigh in with a Pip pip, Carry On (not that I'm British or dismissive of your initial post) - that somehow I knew you'd pull out of it quickly and/or make good use of advice and your own gifts of character, understanding and resilience. And so you did.

 

But that's not to say you don't need and deserve words of encouragement, indignation and understanding on your behalf because you certainly didn't need or deserve to have your marriage turned inside out on you. I know you don't sit around feeling sorry for yourself any more, but I'm glad to see you'll share down times, however short-lived.

 

Thanks MM. LS is kind of a strange place for me these days. I have little desire to vent, or seek feedback or counsel. Apparently that happens after 6,000 posts or so. I also feel I have little advice to give that won't already be said by someone else. I used to read and reply voraciously.

 

I suppose I am just moving on with life, which is probably a healthy thing. But I still feel a connection with this place, and in particular with some folks like yourself. So I'll share when something like this happens and there might be something to gain.

 

Anywho, I do appreciate the kind words of encouragement and support. Maybe I was fishing for them.

[candie13]

Maybe You should scrub clean your fb Of OLD memories & reinvent a new online virginity . Or create a new fb account.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thanks MM. LS is kind of a strange place for me these days. I have little desire to vent, or seek feedback or counsel. Apparently that happens after 6,000 posts or so. I also feel I have little advice to give that won't already be said by someone else. I used to read and reply voraciously.

 

I suppose I am just moving on with life, which is probably a healthy thing. But I still feel a connection with this place, and in particular with some folks like yourself. So I'll share when something like this happens and there might be something to gain.

 

Anywho, I do appreciate the kind words of encouragement and support. Maybe I was fishing for them.

 

I think I hit the same point around then.

 

But then, you've sharpened up your posting and boundaries to a point where you see the patterns without any shock or disgust.

 

They just become "patterns" and you can pretty much guess who is and isn't going to listen etc.

 

You also get to see where you haven't listened to the answers you know are obvious. (General you, I think most people won't take their own advice, or the advice that they see actually works, to a point).

 

The growth levels off, but can still happen with reading and posting.

 

But it is really good to grow into other areas of life etc.

 

Infidelity for me has been completely life-changing.

[BetrayedH]

I think I hit the same point around then.

 

But then, you've sharpened up your posting and boundaries to a point where you see the patterns without any shock or disgust.

 

They just become "patterns" and you can pretty much guess who is and isn't going to listen etc.

 

You also get to see where you haven't listened to the answers you know are obvious. (General you, I think most people won't take their own advice, or the advice that they see actually works, to a point).

 

The growth levels off, but can still happen with reading and posting.

 

But it is really good to grow into other areas of life etc.

 

Infidelity for me has been completely life-changing.

 

Good summary. Life-changing, for sure. I don't think I have the right term for it. To some extent, I'm more pessimistic but that really isn't the right word. I feel more realistic about life (and the nature of people) but that doesn't really sum it up either. I definitely see the patterns everywhere. And there doesn't seem to be much to be done about them. There's a lot of emotional immaturity in the world. And you can't just wish for people to be more mature, or tell them and expect them to "get it."

 

I watched my grandfather (who was the kindest soul I have ever known) become rather quietly bitter about life as he aged. Bitter isn't the right term for me either but I've definitely lost my enthusiasm, or innocence, or something. So many people are just hopelessly ignorant and selfish. I feel like my eyes are now open to it (I no longer feel a drive to better understand it) but I no longer feel compelled to fix any of it. You're just forced to kinda wade through it.

 

It's not even like I'm uber depressed about anything either. Logistically things are still challenging for me but I've reached a point of relative stability and I'm certainly emotionally stable if the last 5 years are any comparison. Morose seems like it might be an appropriate term.

[dreamingoftigers]

Good summary. Life-changing, for sure. I don't think I have the right term for it. To some extent, I'm more pessimistic but that really isn't the right word. I feel more realistic about life (and the nature of people) but that doesn't really sum it up either. I definitely see the patterns everywhere. And there doesn't seem to be much to be done about them. There's a lot of emotional immaturity in the world. And you can't just wish for people to be more mature, or tell them and expect them to "get it."

 

I watched my grandfather (who was the kindest soul I have ever known) become rather quietly bitter about life as he aged. Bitter isn't the right term for me either but I've definitely lost my enthusiasm, or innocence, or something. So many people are just hopelessly ignorant and selfish. I feel like my eyes are now open to it (I no longer feel a drive to better understand it) but I no longer feel compelled to fix any of it. You're just forced to kinda wade through it.

 

It's not even like I'm uber depressed about anything either. Logistically things are still challenging for me but I've reached a point of relative stability and I'm certainly emotionally stable if the last 5 years are any comparison. Morose seems like it might be an appropriate term.

 

I think it's like: "People tend to be more fundamentally screwed up then I thought they were. Lots of people don't take care of things, like their health, their mental function, their kids, their relationships. I can't spend the amount of time it would take to help someone 'personally grow.' So what I can do is separate the totally disordered from the not totally disordered and make sure I surround myself well, or at least not engage in disordered/dysfunctional relationships as best I can. In short: I will demonstrate a high amount of self-respect and respect for others. Respect for others means respecting their choices. As in, if they choose to use, abuse or betray me, I respect their choice by letting them go. By delivering the consequences that come with the choice. Because I love myself too much to allow myself to be abused, used or betrayed by another as a pattern of behaviour. I can't control it, it's only a reflection of their own issues."

 

Discovering the world is pretty dysfunctional sure breaks down a lot of secure barriers that most of us developed during childhood / young adulthood.

 

We generally expect other people to be decent with decent motivations, that monsters would be obvious etc etc etc. So many people are so naive about that. They think "Oh I would've seen that from ten miles away." But until you've seen it up close yourself, you often can't recognize it at all.

[merrmeade]

You two kinda crack me up. Feel like I'm eavesdropping in a buddhist old folks' home for LS vets.

 

I mean, when bH first mentioned the over-6000 post mindset I almost spewed out my coffee that there's such a phenomenon, much less anyone with that many posts. But when dot concurred and ratcheted the discussion up a notch, I looked at the number of bH's and dot's posts and shrank a little. Gulp. I'm not qualified to smirk, much less comment on the fact of the 6000+ stages of wisdom and detachment. Hell, I'd just figured out the shared mastery of pattern recognition thing.

 

I do enjoy the occasional meta-discussion about LS posting though and feel questions wriggling up from the unrest of my (already nailed, no doubt) Stage 2 cynicism. More like research queries, you know.

 

One is - Why? Or, maybe, What? Is it really the number of posts or could it also be the time passed that renders this shared sanguinity, sharp perception, and fluency in infidelity-speak? I mean, I definitely concur. Can't see it in myself necessarily but I sure do in dot. I totally remember you from my first thread and can't say I've seen any transformation as huge or as multi-faceted, from your writing/communication skills to the tightness/depth of your observations (not that we're rating each other, I hope - just happened to notice this with her). But then, there's someone posting a lot in recent months, whose dDay was, I think, only in the past 9 months or so. She suddenly jumped from all-over-the-place-don't-know-what-to-do to getting-it-together-able-to-advise-others BW. Well, okay, so maybe it IS the number of posts...

 

Anyway, pip, pip again and do carry on! I'll just shut up and listen now.

[katielee]

BetrayedH - I'm sorry I haven't weighed in yet. I just want to offer support as you have on my threads. You'll get through this.

Sometimes I find myself having massive triggers and then a half hour later it is nothing. Go figure.

[Bittersweetie]

Thanks for the discussion. My theory on people today...

 

I think some of it is that it's really freaking hard to look in a mirror and work on your deep personal issues. Especially when those issues have injured someone close to you. No one wants to look in the mirror and say "I'm the bad guy" but that's what has to happen sometimes. I was fortunate to have a good therapist and my husband listened and supported me while I worked through all my stuff. Most people want to take the easy road or don't even fundamentally realize what they're doing and how it is/could be hurtful.

 

But I agree...after the things I did and working through the aftermath I see people differently. I'm appreciative of what I have and when I see others who aren't...my old boss used to joke that he worked so much that his wife was going to divorce him. It made me mad...that's not something to joke about pal!

 

PS. You need 6000 posts to get to the see the pattern posting? I feel like I'm there and it's only 600...not sure I can last that long.

[ladydesigner]

Good summary. Life-changing, for sure. I don't think I have the right term for it. To some extent, I'm more pessimistic but that really isn't the right word. I feel more realistic about life (and the nature of people) but that doesn't really sum it up either. I definitely see the patterns everywhere. And there doesn't seem to be much to be done about them. There's a lot of emotional immaturity in the world. And you can't just wish for people to be more mature, or tell them and expect them to "get it."

 

I watched my grandfather (who was the kindest soul I have ever known) become rather quietly bitter about life as he aged. Bitter isn't the right term for me either but I've definitely lost my enthusiasm, or innocence, or something. So many people are just hopelessly ignorant and selfish. I feel like my eyes are now open to it (I no longer feel a drive to better understand it) but I no longer feel compelled to fix any of it. You're just forced to kinda wade through it.

 

It's not even like I'm uber depressed about anything either. Logistically things are still challenging for me but I've reached a point of relative stability and I'm certainly emotionally stable if the last 5 years are any comparison. Morose seems like it might be an appropriate term.

 

(((BetrayedH))) you have always been very helpful to me here at LS and I am sorry you are struggling with the triggers. That FB always reminding us about stuff (I hate that feature too as I am always thinking oh that was during the worst year of my life or like someone else here said reminders of someone who is no longer here )

 

I feel morose too and I am 4 years out from initial Dday, 2 years from False R. It's a strange feeling almost like apathy. I wonder if a lot of other BS's feel this way too and does it get any better?

[merrmeade]

PS. You need 6000 posts to get to the see the pattern posting? I feel like I'm there and it's only 600...not sure I can last that long.

No, of course, and I was just being a smart aleck and took the remark about patterns out of context. I think the remarks were more about how the reactions change. However, I can't really interpret and meant no disrespect by my chatter. I have a lot of regard and gratitude for the way experienced posters have supported me and dug deep to offer solutions for my problems. Sorry if I derailed some interesting and selective reflection...

But then, you've sharpened up your posting and boundaries to a point where you see the patterns without any shock or disgust.

 

They just become "patterns" and you can pretty much guess who is and isn't going to listen etc.

 

You also get to see where you haven't listened to the answers you know are obvious. (General you, I think most people won't take their own advice, or the advice that they see actually works, to a point).

 

The growth levels off, but can still happen with reading and posting.

 

But it is really good to grow into other areas of life etc.

 

Infidelity for me has been completely life-changing.

I can imagine the repetition after a while dulls the triggers (a good thing) and one feels less and less compelled to respond. I like the idea of going back and rereading because you see what you missed.

[BetrayedH]

BetrayedH - I'm sorry I haven't weighed in yet. I just want to offer support as you have on my threads. You'll get through this.

Sometimes I find myself having massive triggers and then a half hour later it is nothing. Go figure.

 

Thanks Katie. And don't worry about any delayed reply. I don't make it easy to reply on my threads. I never quite seem to know what it is I want. Much of it is just a musing, of sorts. I tend to ponder things somewhat ridiculously.

 

You're right that I certainly got thru it. These things are hardly a blip compared with the first months that seemed such an endless chaos.

 

But I appreciate that you reached out.

[BetrayedH]

Thanks for the discussion. My theory on people today...

 

I think some of it is that it's really freaking hard to look in a mirror and work on your deep personal issues. Especially when those issues have injured someone close to you. No one wants to look in the mirror and say "I'm the bad guy" but that's what has to happen sometimes. I was fortunate to have a good therapist and my husband listened and supported me while I worked through all my stuff. Most people want to take the easy road or don't even fundamentally realize what they're doing and how it is/could be hurtful.

 

But I agree...after the things I did and working through the aftermath I see people differently. I'm appreciative of what I have and when I see others who aren't...my old boss used to joke that he worked so much that his wife was going to divorce him. It made me mad...that's not something to joke about pal!

 

PS. You need 6000 posts to get to the see the pattern posting? I feel like I'm there and it's only 600...not sure I can last that long.

 

Thanks bittersweetie. I agree that it is hard to be introspective about one's own flaws. I'm struggling to do it myself lately. I'm a bit nervous about the effect that this has all had on me. I'm not sure I'm the same "good" person that I was before. I was open, thoughtful, giving. Now I am unemotional and guarded.

 

When I referred to the patterns, I just see broken people everywhere: depserate for external validation, conflict-avoidant, entitled. And I do wonder to what extent I am one of them.

 

Maybe it's not that I'm one of the bad guys, but I'm not sure I'm a good guy either. I'm not sure I'm a healthy partner, particularly with this sense of apathy.

 

I do hope you're in a healthy place and that this business doesn't define you. I don't know if I'm saying it properly. There are former waywards that stay in a form of self-deprecation when that time has passed. Some folks deserve their own forgiveness.

 

And no, you certainly don't need 6000 posts to have your eyes opened. I may have just been extraordinarily slow.

[BetrayedH]

(((BetrayedH))) you have always been very helpful to me here at LS and I am sorry you are struggling with the triggers. That FB always reminding us about stuff (I hate that feature too as I am always thinking oh that was during the worst year of my life or like someone else here said reminders of someone who is no longer here )

 

I feel morose too and I am 4 years out from initial Dday, 2 years from False R. It's a strange feeling almost like apathy. I wonder if a lot of other BS's feel this way too and does it get any better?

 

Don't worry too much about my triggers. My difficulties in life really are fundamentally different now. I guess this is just the place to mention thosr that relate to this particular subject matter.

 

I do think you were right about the term, apathy. Except for my children, I don't much care about what happens in life. I don't expect much personal happiness. And I know I can survive just about any blight. But I just don't have much drive. I don't look forward to adventure, concerts, vacation, or much of anything else. I don't have a passion for much of anything. Like anyone, I want my children to be happy. But I also want them to be wise and to anticipate the difficulties of life. I want them to be prepared. And it's a cruel world out there. I want them to be realistic. It's a difficult balance to achieve when you're otherwise apathetic.

 

I'm not saying that they are sitting around watching a depressed, apathetic example of a father. My life is ok and I do well in a career that they both appreciate. I think I am admired respected, and our relationship is healthy. I can't and shouldn't complain. I am very fortunate in this regard.

 

Hmm. A lot of musing again. Like you, I am curious if this morphs over time. It would be interesting to know what comes after "acceptance."

[BetrayedH]

No, of course, and I was just being a smart aleck and took the remark about patterns out of context. I think the remarks were more about how the reactions change. However, I can't really interpret and meant no disrespect by my chatter. I have a lot of regard and gratitude for the way experienced posters have supported me and dug deep to offer solutions for my problems. Sorry if I derailed some interesting and selective reflection...I can imagine the repetition after a while dulls the triggers (a good thing) and one feels less and less compelled to respond. I like the idea of going back and rereading because you see what you missed.

 

I like your chatter.

[merrmeade]

Don't worry too much about my triggers. My difficulties in life really are fundamentally different now. I guess this is just the place to mention thosr that relate to this particular subject matter.

 

I do think you were right about the term, apathy. Except for my children, I don't much care about what happens in life. I don't expect much personal happiness. And I know I can survive just about any blight. But I just don't have much drive. I don't look forward to adventure, concerts, vacation, or much of anything else. I don't have a passion for much of anything. Like anyone, I want my children to be happy. But I also want them to be wise and to anticipate the difficulties of life. I want them to be prepared. And it's a cruel world out there. I want them to be realistic. It's a difficult balance to achieve when you're otherwise apathetic.

 

I'm not saying that they are sitting around watching a depressed, apathetic example of a father. My life is ok and I do well in a career that they both appreciate. I think I am admired respected, and our relationship is healthy. I can't and shouldn't complain. I am very fortunate in this regard.

 

Hmm. A lot of musing again. Like you, I am curious if this morphs over time. It would be interesting to know what comes after "acceptance."

Yep, lots of resonance in this for me. I changed my profile picture to "Is that all there is?" for all these reasons.

 

I mean, getting older accounts for some loss of youthful idealism and innocence, but what I thought I'd always have I can't find any more. The central conviction that I could always get back to goodness and happiness. Sometimes I felt effulgent joy if I thought about that long enough. I thought of myself as a human rubber duckie that could never stay down. Hope and cheer always returned.

 

Well, since 2012 it hasn't returned.

[Steen719]

Hi BH,

Long time no talk!

 

When my XH cheated the first time and I stayed, I somehow found a way to be upbeat still. I was frayed around the edges, but felt sort of like myself. By the next time, after 13 years and all that I went through with him - no point in retelling it here - I felt deflated, a weight of heaviness on my heart. I left him and a little of that left me, but sadness then overwhelmed me. I don't usually feel sad anymore, thankfully. It has been approximately the same amount of time for you and I, and I have never reached the same level of optimism and "happiness" that I had before all of this. I have things or events that make me happy, but it is the overall feeling that has changed. For example, if friends and I get together and laugh like crazy, which we do at times, I am so happy for that period of time.

 

I think mm is right that as we age into adults, we don't have the same ebullience we did when we were young. But I was always so happy and upbeat, optimistic and had an overall good feeling about life, even when getting older. I sang along with music in the mornings, happy to be alive. I don't feel depressed now, but I do doubt that I will ever be that old me ever again. And...although I think this happens to a lot of people who have not been affected by infidelity, my belief is that it happens more to people who have.

 

A strange thought comes to mind when I talk to friends whose husbands have passed away. I know they are sad for losing someone they loved for so many years, but their husbands did not want to leave them and loved them until they died. It seems "different" to me - almost like that would be a comfort rather than having a spouse who chose their path which led to our demise. Is that crazy?

 

Anyway, hi BH. You are not alone in this feeling. That's evident by those of us who have answered.

[jenkins95]

That's a very heartfelt post Steen. It is good for someone who has cheated, like me, to read. I wish you nothing but the very best of happiness.

 

Regarding the part that I highlighted. I totally relate to that and it is not crazy at all. Consider two marriages each of forty years. In one of them, one spouse left the other. In the other, one spouse died. In the first case, the marriage lasted......40 years (and failed). In the second case, the marriage lasted......forever. Big difference.

 

 

Hi BH,

Long time no talk!

 

When my XH cheated the first time and I stayed, I somehow found a way to be upbeat still. I was frayed around the edges, but felt sort of like myself. By the next time, after 13 years and all that I went through with him - no point in retelling it here - I felt deflated, a weight of heaviness on my heart. I left him and a little of that left me, but sadness then overwhelmed me. I don't usually feel sad anymore, thankfully. It has been approximately the same amount of time for you and I, and I have never reached the same level of optimism and "happiness" that I had before all of this. I have things or events that make me happy, but it is the overall feeling that has changed. For example, if friends and I get together and laugh like crazy, which we do at times, I am so happy for that period of time.

 

I think mm is right that as we age into adults, we don't have the same ebullience we did when we were young. But I was always so happy and upbeat, optimistic and had an overall good feeling about life, even when getting older. I sang along with music in the mornings, happy to be alive. I don't feel depressed now, but I do doubt that I will ever be that old me ever again. And...although I think this happens to a lot of people who have not been affected by infidelity, my belief is that it happens more to people who have.

 

A strange thought comes to mind when I talk to friends whose husbands have passed away. I know they are sad for losing someone they loved for so many years, but their husbands did not want to leave them and loved them until they died. It seems "different" to me - almost like that would be a comfort rather than having a spouse who chose their path which led to our demise. Is that crazy?

 

Anyway, hi BH. You are not alone in this feeling. That's evident by those of us who have answered.

[merrmeade]

I sang along with music in the mornings, happy to be alive. I don't feel depressed now, but I do doubt that I will ever be that old me ever again. And...although I think this happens to a lot of people who have not been affected by infidelity, my belief is that it happens more to people who have.

omg, Steen, sadly you're so right! This should be one of the DMV diagnostic criteria for infidelity related depression. When the music dies, something inside has died.

 

I grew up with music and used to sing by myself for the joy of it. I still compose and record music but no longer burst into song. Haven't since d-day four years ago this month.

[Steen719]

omg, Steen, sadly you're so right! This should be one of the DMV diagnostic criteria for infidelity related depression. When the music dies, something inside has died.

I grew up with music and used to sing by myself for the joy of it. I still compose and record music but no longer burst into song. Haven't since d-day four years ago this month.

 

Yes, I think for people who love music and love to sing, this is true. I'm glad you can still compose and record, though.

[BetrayedH]

Yes, I think for people who love music and love to sing, this is true. I'm glad you can still compose and record, though.

 

The music thing definitely happened with me. That's why I mentioned concerts in an earlier post. I used to be a fairly avid concert goer. I'd watch for when my favorites were coming to the area, save money to buy advance tickets. It was an exciting thing for me. Now I just still can't seem to drum up enthusiasm about it. I'm struggling to even remember the last time I went to one. It all just seems rather trivial now.

 

I also used to be a huge Steelers fan. I spent oodles trying to make sure I got the game every week. Once the affair came to light, I didn't watch football for probably two full seasons just because I didn't freakin' care anymore. Fortunately, that interest returned eventually, although the social circles that made it really fun have long since disappeared.

 

I know some will just want to reinvigorate my enthusiasm and encourage me to just book those concerts and such. And maybe that's valid. But I guess I am just more curious about how this represents this apathy that just seems to set in and take hold. I'm just not really enthusiastic about much of anything. Other than trying keep my financials in order so I can raise my children, I'm just lacking direction. Meh.

[merrmeade]

I know some will just want to reinvigorate my enthusiasm and encourage me to just book those concerts and such. And maybe that's valid. But I guess I am just more curious about how this represents this apathy that just seems to set in and take hold. I'm just not really enthusiastic about much of anything. Other than trying keep my financials in order so I can raise my children, I'm just lacking direction. Meh.

Don't worry. There seem to be a number of Meh-ers showing up.

 

Anyway, I would never exhort you to buy those tickets. It's not like you've forgotten how to get excited and, just by being there again, you'll remember.

 

I got goosebumps at the symphony recently and actually felt grateful it could still happen, even though before, it would've brought tears. PostDDD - dday depression I call it.

[Steen719]

The music thing definitely happened with me. That's why I mentioned concerts in an earlier post. I used to be a fairly avid concert goer. I'd watch for when my favorites were coming to the area, save money to buy advance tickets. It was an exciting thing for me. Now I just still can't seem to drum up enthusiasm about it. I'm struggling to even remember the last time I went to one. It all just seems rather trivial now.

 

I also used to be a huge Steelers fan. I spent oodles trying to make sure I got the game every week. Once the affair came to light, I didn't watch football for probably two full seasons just because I didn't freakin' care anymore. Fortunately, that interest returned eventually, although the social circles that made it really fun have long since disappeared.

 

I know some will just want to reinvigorate my enthusiasm and encourage me to just book those concerts and such. And maybe that's valid. But I guess I am just more curious about how this represents this apathy that just seems to set in and take hold. I'm just not really enthusiastic about much of anything. Other than trying keep my financials in order so I can raise my children, I'm just lacking direction. Meh.

 

It feels to me that I need to (at least for the present time) to find my happiness in the events, things, people - whatever, instead of the overall optimism that I used to feel. I get some happiness from my son's accomplishments, his happiness, getting to see him and plan trips. I do some things with friends that are fun, I have some times that I am looking forward to stuff, but this used to be more of an overall feeling and still have the others. I think I have just accepted it. I would never tell you to reinvigorate your enthusiasm. If you figure it out, let me in on it.

 

I'm not sure if this is a forever thing. I really don't know. I think most affairs are devastating, but I do agree that some are more humiliating and soul sucking and I think yours might qualify for that. I felt that mine might be because I had taken care of XH during his illness and my brother and a dear friend both died at the same time. I had so little left in me - I just tried to put one foot in front of the other. I guess my "pessimism" is showing? Or I just don't have that zest I once did? I can't determine any better than you can!

[merrmeade]

It feels to me that I need to (at least for the present time) to find my happiness in the events, things, people - whatever, instead of the overall optimism that I used to feel. ...

 

I'm not sure if this is a forever thing. I really don't know. I think most affairs are devastating, but I do agree that some are more humiliating and soul sucking and I think yours might qualify for that. I felt that mine might be because I had taken care of XH during his illness and my brother and a dear friend both died at the same time. I had so little left in me - I just tried to put one foot in front of the other. I guess my "pessimism" is showing? Or I just don't have that zest I once did? I can't determine any better than you can!

That's really helpful and true. The excitement doesn't precede the event any more. Loss of optimism is exactly what it is.

 

I guess it's also instructive to realize that where you are on the better/worse affair spectrum does explain 'soul-sucking' that is particularly penetrating and long-lasting. That said, forgive me for not summarizing my credentials for the 'worst' end at the moment. I wouldn't get up the rest of the day.