[23 F] Boyfriend [23 M] expects me to be perfect [update 2016-06-24]

[LoveRefreshed]

So if my boss or say even my husband's best friend came up to me today and told me how he wanted to *&^% me, that isn't sexual harassment? Women do not deserve to be treated like a piece of tail....I think guys can be better than that, don't you think? Or is it a matter of being ok with the knuckle dragging image?

 

The position of power makes it harassment when your boss does it. If the power dynamic is removed, yes it is NOT HARASSMENT. It is indeed grotesque and crass, and something that women do NOT deserve! However, I maintain it is not sexual harassment.

 

Harassment - It is commonly understood as behaviour which disturbs or upsets, and it is characteristically repetitive.

 

I hold this topic very dear to me as I almost had my career come to a crashing halt in grad school because men in this world are guilty until proven innocent when it comes to harassment cases and the avenues of appeal are slim to none for men who fall victim to false claims. One way to reduce false claims is to have a clear understanding of what constitutes harassment. With that being said, sexual passes of any kind are indeed harassment at work but outside of work, harassment needs more than being crude.

 

Real lawsuits look at the objective of the 'sender' as well as the result of the 'recipient'. If the goal isn't to harass, annoy, alarm, torment, or embarrass, then usually it's dealt with through settlements and agreements as it isn't really harassment.

 

Grey areas would be this one as goal isn't to alarm or annoy, BUT that is the result. Clean harassment cases is when a debt collector calls a debtor twice a night to get payment. The goal of that debt collector is to annoy. So in that is a clear cut case.

 

In the end, while I agree with you Smackie that women don't deserve such sexual advances, in most a cases, a one off pass like this doesn't constitute harassment. Further to that, facebook messaging a girl you once ****ed asking her if she's turned on when she has the tools to block and ignore is about as far from sexual harassment as Victoria Secret ads playing at work (wait, that actually can be).

[smackie9]

It's not a one off....he has been texting her like mad.

[smackie9]

I think you need to read up on it on wikipedia for a better understanding.

[TunaInTheBrine]

It doesn't sound like this guy has any emotional attachment to you. It was just sex, so I would just ignore him. If it was more of a romantic/emotional affair, then I would worry about him contacting your boyfriend. In this case, I think you're fine.

[hippychick3]

You got yourself into this mess. You apparently, on some level, liked the attention from this guy given you didn't immediately shut him down when he texted you he was h****. I can't imagine any old bf texting me that and me laughing it off. That would be totally disrespectful to my current bf.

 

I think you're looking for an excuse to maintain contact with this guy.

 

Tell your boyfriend the truth and recognize appropriate boundaries in the future.

[Mikau]

It's not a one off....he has been texting her like mad.

 

And she has been texting back, going along with it and not shutting him down. From his perspective he's just having dirty talk with a former 'lay'. He can't know it's different for her unless she tells him.

[KatZee]

You should have posted here before you engaged with this guy again.

 

Your best course of action would have been to just ignore him from the get-go. This happened THREE YEARS ago. You haven't seen or spoken to him in this time. So what if he would have "told" your boyfriend. You could have just been like, "wow this guy is crazy, after all this time he comes back out of no where with weird lies."

 

But now there's record of you speaking to him, his phone and yours, or computer or whatever else. Block him and delete him and don't interact with him ever again.

 

I'm not a fan of telling your boyfriend. Do you plan on cheating ever again? No? Do you immensely regret it? Yes? Then deal with your guilt on your own.

Coming clean to him is going to do nothing but ease your own guilt and terrible feelings, and you know what it's going to do? Destroy him. I feel like cheaters never confess out of care or concern for the person they cheated on. They do it to get the weight off their own shoulders.

 

My ex did that to me. He cheated on me and confessed to it over 2 years later. At that point he said he felt so glad he told me. Guilt was gone. He was free. Happy. Phew! Yeah, OK, and what about me? He destroyed my world. Everything I thought we had, were, etc, gone. Poof. Vaporized into thin air. Three years was gone in 30 seconds.

 

He was so convinced we'd be stronger and better than ever.

 

I f*cking hated him.

 

I never looked at him the same again, I despised him. I had no respect for him. There was no coming back from that. We were done.

 

Think long and hard before you open your mouth to confess. Your relationship WILL be over, and there will be no fixing what you break.

[joseb]

So if my boss or say even my husband's best friend came up to me today and told me how he wanted to *&^% me, that isn't sexual harassment? Women do not deserve to be treated like a piece of tail....I think guys can be better than that, don't you think? Or is it a matter of being ok with the knuckle dragging image?

 

If your husbands best friend just starting doing this out of the blue, and you told him to stop or ignore him, then yeah, I'd say it is.

 

If, however, you cheated on your husband with this guy previously, and later he starts texting and you responded to his texts positively, then no, I can't see how that is harassment.

[sandylee1]

I don't know how serious your relationship is...but it would be terrible to go as far as getting married and still keep this secret. It will eventually come out and cause so much destruction.

Telling half the truth even seems worse than telling any truth.. .. why did you even mention the kiss at all?

 

This lie will destroy your relationship. Fess up or move on.

 

If you can't tell him the truth... then you need to end the relationship if

 

Like others said.. you shouldn't have responded after 3 years .

Never mess up at all.... and then don't cheat so close to home.

 

If you have a FB page..deactivate it for a while.

[TXGuy]

It's not a one off....he has been texting her like mad.

 

And she has told us that she "went along with it." As far as this guy knows, she is a cheating skank that is up for round two.

 

Once she clearly tells him to stop and he then continues, then we can consider whether or not it is harassment.

[truth_seeker]

I also really wish the "we were fighting a lot" excuse would be eradicated from people's minds.

 

This is a woman's excuse. They can't be labeled as a cheater because that can lead to being labeled a sl-t or wh-re. The "fighting a lot" excuse in their minds is a good reason to stray. It's like they had no choice... they were forced to do it. Just a bunch of bunk...

[truth_seeker]

I'm not a fan of telling your boyfriend. Do you plan on cheating ever again? No? Do you immensely regret it? Yes? Then deal with your guilt on your own.

Coming clean to him is going to do nothing but ease your own guilt and terrible feelings, and you know what it's going to do? Destroy him. I feel like cheaters never confess out of care or concern for the person they cheated on. They do it to get the weight off their own shoulders.

 

My ex did that to me. He cheated on me and confessed to it over 2 years later. At that point he said he felt so glad he told me. Guilt was gone. He was free. Happy. Phew! Yeah, OK, and what about me? He destroyed my world. Everything I thought we had, were, etc, gone. Poof. Vaporized into thin air. Three years was gone in 30 seconds.

 

He was so convinced we'd be stronger and better than ever.

 

I f*cking hated him.

 

I never looked at him the same again, I despised him. I had no respect for him. There was no coming back from that. We were done.

 

Think long and hard before you open your mouth to confess. Your relationship WILL be over, and there will be no fixing what you break.

 

You were better off in the long run he told you than keep that secret. People who cheat are prone to do it again. People cheat once then say to themselves, it was one time, I'll never do it again... then there's that itch and they have to scratch it... I slipped up but it was one time slip up... won't happen again... then there's that itch that just won't go away... then comes the "reasons" they did it. It was your fault I cheated.

 

Read what she wrote... she's making excuses for cheating... saying all the "right" things about not liking this guy and wanting nothing to do with him but responds to him.

 

She's definitely feeling guilty about cheating... but I say she's feeling guilty because she enjoyed hooking up with this guy then and might be interested in doing it again.

[Darren Steez]

Think long and hard before you open your mouth to confess. Your relationship WILL be over, and there will be no fixing what you break.

 

Wow, how about the giving her boyfriend the decision before he commits more time, finances as well as his life into this relationship?

 

She cheated for a reason. It's all well and good saying she won't do it again but even now he's back "harassing" her and she's still keeping this to herself, what if they get married? There would be some douche out there sending messages to her about something that happened in her past while they were together, affecting her life and he'd be none the wiser.. is that marriage?

 

Standing in a church talking about committing your life to someone in love and trust while knowingly keeping secrets from them.

 

This kind of advice makes me question the human race. No honesty in people.

 

To the OP, tell your boyfriend what happened, it's up to him whether he decides to be with you or not. You have your chance to plead your case and if he decides to continue the relationship, show him everyday how much you love him and show him you'll make it a priority to keep him safe.

 

From this position then you can move forward together so when this douche texts/talks to you, he holds zero power over you.

 

You did what you did. It happened and as this guy has shown the past will come back to haunt you. He may go away now and be back later, by then the more time that has been spent hiding this secret, the worse it becomes when/if your boyfriend/partner finds out.

 

You expect honesty and loyalty out of him right? Don't you think he deserves the same?

[MrBojangles]

It was about 3 years ago and it was with someone he knew in school, they were friendly not friends though.

 

I met him one night when me and boyfriend had been fighting for ages.

 

It started off as a kiss but then lead to sex, it lasted about 5 mins...but I felt gutted after.

 

I decided the only option was to ignore this guy.

 

I told my boyfriend I kissed him but didn't have sex, because I knew he would never talk to me again or forgive me.

 

3 years later this guy texted me asking how I am, did I get his message, can I respond. He was being very persistent. I was still nervous he might tell my boyfriend what happened so I thought I should go along with it.

 

He was asking if I was ho*ny , that he is. I said I was in a different country and tried to laugh it off. He is now asking me to send pictures of my body. I am terrified if I piss him off he could tell my boyfriend what happened but I can't do what he is asking, it was a stupid mistake years ago and I don't like the guy.

 

I cannot tell my boyfriend, or he will never speak to me again, I cannot go back on what In have said now.

 

If I block this guy that keeps hastling me he might go to my boyfriend as revenge?

 

What would you do???

 

 

It's often rather insightful to look back at previous threads...

 

OP, It sounds like you may have been racked with guilt or perhaps projecting a bit onto your BF when you first posted this: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/abuse/575309-sharing-stories-emotional-abuse-what-made-you-feel-better#post6840244

 

Should you tell your BF, who may or may not have cheated on you with the woman in your thread linked above, he will likely connect your past cheating with your concerns as to whether he was getting too cozy with this woman. Put simply, he will come to realize that YOU were projecting YOUR own infidelity onto him.

[oldshirt]

So if my boss or say even my husband's best friend came up to me today and told me how he wanted to *&^% me, that isn't sexual harassment? Women do not deserve to be treated like a piece of tail....I think guys can be better than that, don't you think? Or is it a matter of being ok with the knuckle dragging image?

 

No it is not the least bit harassment. Any legal adult can proposition another legal adult for sexual contact and it is not harassment. It is just making an offer.

 

 

An offer can be accepted or it can be declined.

 

 

Harassment is when the offer is clearly and unambiguously declined followed by a "do not ask me again" and the other person continues to make unwanted contact and unwanted requests.

 

 

The simple initial asking is not harassment in the legal sense.

 

 

Some work places may have internal policies that you can't make any kind of sexual comments or advances or requests at all, that that is a work place issue and not a legal issue.

 

 

And as noted above, if a married friend or in law or friends spouse etc makes an offer, that may be boarish and morally inappropriate to you, but as long as they do not continue to bug you about it after you have clearly said no and told them not to contact you again, it is not harassment. ....its just being a horny jerk.

[oldshirt]

My advice for the OP is to send a txt stating clearly and unambiguously that you decline the request to hook up and clearly state that you do not wish any future contact and to never contact you again and then block him from all communication sources.

 

 

But keep the txts.

 

 

In the very very very very very very rare off chance he contacts your BF (which I'd bet million to one odds it he wouldn't do) then just show him the txts of the guy being an ass and your response of turning him down and telling him not to contact you again.

 

 

Chicks get hit on by dudes every day. Your BF knows that. Just the fact this guy was trying to score some tail is not unusual.

 

 

Have written documentation of you telling him to beat it and to not contact you again.

 

 

This way if he does tell your BF, you can say that you turned him down, he was vengeful and was trying to cause problems.

 

 

Whether you want to divulge your tryst with him or not is another topic.

[Chi townD]

It's not a one off....he has been texting her like mad.

 

To which she has not shot him down! Guys aren't mind readers!

 

If she tells this dude to stop it; not interested and to jog off and he STILL persists to text her, THEN it's harassment.

 

If you've ever had to sit through a stupid HR sponsored sexual harassment class for your work? It's the whole red light, green light thing.

 

if he's talking like a horny douche rocket and she doesn't say anything, he thinks he has a green light to continue!

[truth_seeker]

I have to agree with the latter two posts that if she really wants him to stop, she has to be clear and concise. She hooked up with this guy years ago because she wanted to... it must have been a good hook up because she keeps allowing this guy to text her... I think she is making excuses because of guilt. She is tempted to hook up with him again.

 

It's very simple if she wants him to stop - she tells him to stop and to never contact her again. Has she done that? No... Why is that? Hmmmm....

[smackie9]

Guys she wasn't abrupt with him because she is worried he will get upset with her and tell her BF about their 5 min indiscretion. SHE DOES want him to go away, she even posted that she wants him to leave her alone. Please read it again and stop assuming she wants to get with this guy again because it was a "good hookup"....that's just stupid.

[Space Ritual]

It was about 3 years ago and it was with someone he knew in school, they were friendly not friends though.

 

I met him one night when me and boyfriend had been fighting for ages.

 

It started off as a kiss but then lead to sex, it lasted about 5 mins...but I felt gutted after.

 

I decided the only option was to ignore this guy.

 

I told my boyfriend I kissed him but didn't have sex, because I knew he would never talk to me again or forgive me.

 

3 years later this guy texted me asking how I am, did I get his message, can I respond. He was being very persistent. I was still nervous he might tell my boyfriend what happened so I thought I should go along with it.

 

He was asking if I was ho*ny , that he is. I said I was in a different country and tried to laugh it off. He is now asking me to send pictures of my body. I am terrified if I piss him off he could tell my boyfriend what happened but I can't do what he is asking, it was a stupid mistake years ago and I don't like the guy.

 

I cannot tell my boyfriend, or he will never speak to me again, I cannot go back on what In have said now.

 

If I block this guy that keeps hastling me he might go to my boyfriend as revenge?

 

What would you do???

 

Lots of differing opinions I see you are getting from people so I'll throw my hat in the ring.

 

Of course you are at the point where you are literally about to be blackmailed by this guy because you went and cheated on someone you purport to love. Not a good feeling is it. Knots in your stomach? Sleepless? Anxiety? Yeah I have heard about that feeling but have never felt it because I've never cheated on anyone but have been cheated on myself so I'll tell you it will be better coming from you than him.

 

 

See you are blaming the wrong person here. This is all on you. Not this guy. He was not in a relationship with your boyfriend...you were. He didn't lie to your boyfriend...you did. How the hell does he know enough to contact you after 3 years? That does not make any sense at all.

 

The best course of action that you can do right now is to tell your boyfriend exactly what happened 3 years ago before he hears it from this guy. I guarantee you that if he does narc you off you will eventually trip up on your denials. You'll be constantly questioned and you will eventually trip up. At that point your relationship will be over for good.

 

No one comes back after 3 years and hints on spilling the beans unless they have every intention of doing so, I hate to say it but your relationship is on borrowed time. Part of being an adult is accepting consequences for our actions whether they be detrimental or not. Best to get out in front of this now and show some modicum of integrity than get exposed by this guy as a liar. That's a hard label to recover from and nobody wants to date a liar. So please do the right thing before it's too late.

[Mikau]

Guys she wasn't abrupt with him because she is worried he will get upset with her and tell her BF about their 5 min indiscretion. SHE DOES want him to go away, she even posted that she wants him to leave her alone. Please read it again and stop assuming she wants to get with this guy again because it was a "good hookup"....that's just stupid.

Nobody is saying she doesn't want him to go away, just that it isn't harassment if she doesn't tell him to stop.

[Mrin]

Quick way out: tell him you have some sort of scary infectious disease.

[Chi townD]

Guys she wasn't abrupt with him because she is worried he will get upset with her and tell her BF about their 5 min indiscretion. SHE DOES want him to go away, she even posted that she wants him to leave her alone. Please read it again and stop assuming she wants to get with this guy again because it was a "good hookup"....that's just stupid.

 

 

Well, she needs to TELL HIM to go away! She's afraid that this guy may say something to her boyfriend about their past. She's got herself convinced that he's going to blackmail her when the truth is, she or even us don't have any idea what this guy is going to do!

 

Her best bet would have been not to have answered that guy in the first place. He would have figured that it's been a few years and she probably doesn't use that email account anymore.

[MadJackBird]

My advice for the OP is to send a txt stating clearly and unambiguously that you decline the request to hook up and clearly state that you do not wish any future contact and to never contact you again and then block him from all communication sources.

 

 

But keep the txts.

 

 

In the very very very very very very rare off chance he contacts your BF (which I'd bet million to one odds it he wouldn't do) then just show him the txts of the guy being an ass and your response of turning him down and telling him not to contact you again.

 

 

Chicks get hit on by dudes every day. Your BF knows that. Just the fact this guy was trying to score some tail is not unusual.

 

 

Have written documentation of you telling him to beat it and to not contact you again.

 

 

This way if he does tell your BF, you can say that you turned him down, he was vengeful and was trying to cause problems.

 

 

Whether you want to divulge your tryst with him or not is another topic.

 

+1. This is really good advice, and yes there are two different things going on. One is how do you get rid of this guys unwanted advice, without retaliation. Follow this advice.

 

Second is your current relationship. You've already cheated on your boyfriend. Many in Love Shack, like myself are victims of adultery. Most of us victims were told lies and secrets were kept from us. We all probably wish we knew the truth at one point or another.

 

It may be all and good that you are remorseful and this is a one time thing, then you should probably be honest about that and talk to someone about this. If your boyfriend is your best friend and confidant then maybe he's the right person to talk to about this, maybe that's too difficult, then seek out IC.

 

If he really loves you, you can work through this. But he ought to know the truth. Perhaps he doesn't want to stay with someone that has cheated on him, but he should know the truth. I wish the wool wasn't over my eyes early in my relationship with my former wife. I went through years of her self destructive behavior and serial cheating. Perhaps that would have all been different if she was upfront and honest with me, Either she would have gotten the help she needed a long time ago, or I would have made some wiser decisions about what I really wanted in a long term marriage relationship.

 

Good Luck!

[ashley1992]

in regards to the oringial post---

 

dont tell ur boyfriend.. just let it go ! i had sex with someone else about 3 years ago while my boyfriend and i were not in a good place.. we fought like crazy! i ended up getting back with my boyfriend and just last month found out he had been cheating! so guess wat i dont even feel bad about me having sex with another guy and not telling him. difference is i did it wen we were not together and he did it wen we had established a solid relationship and going strong and no dramas for years! so dont feel bad.. just ignore the other guy and focus on ur relationship with ur boyfriend.. but dont forcefully go and cheat on ur boyfriend as it would hurt u more! u can do this x