Ms. Faust Posted April 27, 2016 Share Posted April 27, 2016 At least you got closure. So sorry, OP. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted April 27, 2016 Share Posted April 27, 2016 You have your closure and can use that as a valuable lesson not to get involved with a MM in the future. Accept and own your part as a responsible adult...if he's a jerk then you fell for that and ignored your husband all that time. Do some digging on why you didn't attempt to fix your marriage or leave before cheating.... if you don't dig deep... you'll only do this again. You have the truth and can go on to make better choices in the future. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
lemondrop21 Posted April 29, 2016 Share Posted April 29, 2016 It's true. The things he said to me were absurd, no single man would ever say those things to a single woman in the beginning of the relationship. YES, this^^. Mine mentioned something about babies at I believe week 3. Umm. I would have run for the hills if this were a normal single guy who I had just started seeing. Why I didn't run for the hills anyway is beyond me. It was such a rush of brain chemicals at the time. That makes sense. I am usually good at bs and people future faking etc but boy, did I fall for it this time. Possibly bc he was unlike anyone I ever met. And the accent. But mostly he seemed so genuine. So sincere. I'm very cynical and he melted all that. I hope he didn't ruin it in me forever. Hahahahaha this made me laugh out loud. Mine also has an accent different from my own. Sometimes I couldn't entirely understand him in bed, maybe I thought he was being more charming than he really was. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Denton2406 Posted April 29, 2016 Share Posted April 29, 2016 Totally agree that this post should be required for all OWs and potential OWs! I have been there, done it, have the t-shirt hanging in my wardrobe! So true that MM turn on the charm so thick, and shower and woo you in the way that no regular single man would, sucking you into a world of fantasy and then turning it off cold turkey! I naively got myself into the same situation and when I was dropped from a height it was the most painful thing ever. The lies that came out of that man's mouth, how his marriage was unhappy, she didn't do anything around the house, they didn't get on, they didn't sleep together, blah blah blah, totally reeled me in and then spat me out! Three years on they are still together, pics on FB of them celebrating their anniversary all happy happy! Its definitely taught me a lesson in life, and I would never go there again! At the time I had only just met him, knew nothing about his life and believed it all, thought they were about to split. "Something to Say" comments that we should learn what allowed us to participate in something that would cause so much pain to an innocent party that never did anything to us - well, I have to say you don't think of that at the time as you think they are unhappy together, and the innocent party means nothing to you, as you don't know them and for all you know they may feel exactly the same as the MM, unhappy in their marriage! The OW is as much a victim at the innocent party. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 29, 2016 Share Posted April 29, 2016 Totally agree that this post should be required for all OWs and potential OWs! . ..And taught in schools from an early age... However it seems that no matter how much an OW is aware of the phrase "My wife doesn't understand me" with its inherent intent to deceive, they still get carried away all the same as "MY MM is different" 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BuddyX Posted April 29, 2016 Share Posted April 29, 2016 Reason why I don't cheat is because the following quote had a such profound impact on me. "I could never cheat on anyone. Knowing that you destroyed someone's trust is bad, but destroying their perspective on love is far too worse." 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted April 29, 2016 Share Posted April 29, 2016 Reason why I don't cheat is because the following quote had a such profound impact on me. "I could never cheat on anyone. Knowing that you destroyed someone's trust is bad, but destroying their perspective on love is far too worse." Agree 100%. I think most MM believe they will never get caught, so they don't think this way. i.e. "What she doesn't know won't hurt her." Ironically, having an A with a "happily married" man destroyed MY perspective on love, which I am now attempting to rebuild. I feel like there is deception everywhere and no one can be trusted. Intellectually, I know this isn't true. But emotionally...I'm working on it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BuddyX Posted April 29, 2016 Share Posted April 29, 2016 Grapes. Once it A happens your perspective changes 180. You don't think if your next partner would cheat but rather "when". While that's not fair, you can't dissolve that gut wrenching feeling. In your eyes, everyone's guilty until proven otherwise. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted April 29, 2016 Share Posted April 29, 2016 Grapes. Once it A happens your perspective changes 180. You don't think if your next partner would cheat but rather "when". While that's not fair, you can't dissolve that gut wrenching feeling. In your eyes, everyone's guilty until proven otherwise. Buddy: Before xMM, I was in a relationship with a serial cheater. Super charismatic guy, charming, swept me off my feet. I ultimately learned that he was cheating on me since Day 1, and throughout the entire relationship. (Talk about out of the frying pan...) From that experience, I know that what you are saying is true. I sometimes wonder if I got involved with a MM next because on some subconscious level I knew that he couldn't cheat on me, if you get my meaning. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted April 29, 2016 Share Posted April 29, 2016 The OW is as much a victim at the innocent party. Sorry...but I disagree with this.^^^^^ From the get go the OW knows he's married......that's really ALL you need to know. The state of his marriage according to him is not the issue... that he's married is your first clue that he's not available. Getting hurt is a natural consequence of having a relationship with another woman's husband. The OW claiming to be a victim or innocent party in all this is a failure to take personal responsibility for her actions. From high school days ....everyone hears about guys (not the good ones) turning on the charm to get into your drawers... ..why would that change when they're married? It's time to stop being so gullible and trying to place all the blame on the MM. For those who were duped and deceived that he wasn't married or that he was genuinely seperated... this does not apply to them. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Girlfromcali Posted April 29, 2016 Share Posted April 29, 2016 Sorry...but I disagree with this.^^^^^ From the get go the OW knows he's married......that's really ALL you need to know. The state of his marriage according to him is not the issue... that he's married is your first clue that he's not available. Getting hurt is a natural consequence of having a relationship with another woman's husband. The OW claiming to be a victim or innocent party in all this is a failure to take personal responsibility for her actions. From high school days ....everyone hears about guys (not the good ones) turning on the charm to get into your drawers... ..why would that change when they're married? It's time to stop being so gullible and trying to place all the blame on the MM. For those who were duped and deceived that he wasn't married or that he was genuinely seperated... this does not apply to them. Word. Nobody accidentally falls on anyone's dick. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted April 29, 2016 Share Posted April 29, 2016 This thread reminds me of an old, classic joke, that works in this situation: How do you know your married AP is lying? His lips are moving. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SomethingToSay Posted April 29, 2016 Share Posted April 29, 2016 The only time OW is truly a victim is when MM fully coneals his marrage and tells her he is single What is this OW mentality that its somehow okay to screw another mans wife IF they are having marital troubles, or she mistreats him, or is cold, or doesnt do his laundry. Its not okay, reagrdless of the alleged or actual state of the marriage, of which you dont and never will be truly privy to. "my wife just doesnt treat me right" is the calling card of every MM lookimg for some side action 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Denton2406 Posted April 29, 2016 Share Posted April 29, 2016 In my case I wasn't talking about screwing, plus I naively got involved and regret it and would not go there again. If someone sweeps you off your feet and you believe they are about to split with their partner and they lay it on really thick sometimes you just go with it and don't give a thought to the wife/gf.....I would never do that now, knowing what I didn't know then. I don't trust anyone anymore..... Link to post Share on other sites
Girlfromcali Posted April 29, 2016 Share Posted April 29, 2016 (edited) In my case I wasn't talking about screwing, plus I naively got involved and regret it and would not go there again. If someone sweeps you off your feet and you believe they are about to split with their partner and they lay it on really thick sometimes you just go with it and don't give a thought to the wife/gf.....I would never do that now, knowing what I didn't know then. I don't trust anyone anymore..... Understood. I believed everything my fMM told me. I just blindly believed everything and trusted him hundred percent. He was so consistent, confident, and adamant about everything, there was no hesitation nor second guessing in anything he ever told me. Now in hindsight, I feel crazy about believing him. He said to me once very matter of factly "you don't understand...I ALWAYS get what I want, and now I want you"! It's crazy, now that I think about it because it sounds totally narcissistic and weird. Edited April 29, 2016 by Girlfromcali 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 29, 2016 Share Posted April 29, 2016 I think in the "single" world, it is less complicated, so if he says he is leaving his gf to start up with you, he tends to leave his gf to start up with you. There is no real hold to stay, no real obligation to the person he is leaving. So when a MM says he is leaving his wife to start a future with the OW then many OWs just believe it, as why would he lie to a woman he is besotted with? It is only when he doesn't leave or he hums and haws that it all begins to unravel and sink in. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Denton2406 Posted April 29, 2016 Share Posted April 29, 2016 In hindsight I too feel crazy that I believed it all....I was single, never experienced anything like that before, no knowledge of affairs, OW etc etc, just jumped head first in, absolutely stupidly the worst thing I could have done for my mental health! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted April 29, 2016 Share Posted April 29, 2016 I agree with many things you say but don't believe this.... "I think in the "single" world, it is less complicated, so if he says he is leaving his gf to start up with you, he tends to leave his gf to start up with you. There is no real hold to stay, no real obligation to the person he is leaving." ....I've known some serial cheats (my H's bf was one) & even before they're married they can lay-on the charm & cheat like crazy with absolutely NO INTENTION of leaving the gf. Just like any MM. When we were young I took my H (then bf) & his friend to my gay friends party. There was only ONE straight woman there, completely not my H's friends type at all. To watch him 'woo' her was so unbelievable! Within 15 minutes he had her face in his hands, staring into her eyes...if I didn't know better I'd of believed he was falling in love with her "at first sight"!! She didn't stand a chance. The next morning he kissed her goodbye, promising to phone, "I miss you already". Then he took a shower & got ready for his long term gf to arrive. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SomethingToSay Posted April 29, 2016 Share Posted April 29, 2016 Definitely single never-married girls often dont understand the dynamics of marriage and how unlikely it is a man will just "break up" with his wife and start anew with her. They dont realize all that entails -- professionally, socially, extended family wise, etc. And if the single OW is childless....well forget about it. She just cant understand the stakes involved. Stakes so high a court of law and judge must handle it and the fallout lasts for years. Very few MM are willing to do that no matter how enamoures they are with OW. They MUCH prefer to jist keep the status quo where they have it all -- family, reputation, atatus, klids, momey, and Ow hidden on the side. So its ODD to me any OW would think " well he is moving in Friday so he says" but the wife and young children have no clue. That is just not going to happen in such a manner except in the most vile circumstances. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 30, 2016 Share Posted April 30, 2016 I agree with many things you say but don't believe this.... "I think in the "single" world, it is less complicated, so if he says he is leaving his gf to start up with you, he tends to leave his gf to start up with you. There is no real hold to stay, no real obligation to the person he is leaving." I am not saying that in the single world there are no serial cheats or "baddies", but on the whole there are less complications, things are more straightforward. People flit from relationship to relationship quite seamlessly. As SomethingToSay says "single never-married girls often dont understand the dynamics of marriage and how unlikely it is a man will just "break up" with his wife and start anew with her." 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Girlfromcali Posted April 30, 2016 Share Posted April 30, 2016 I am not saying that in the single world there are no serial cheats or "baddies", but on the whole there are less complications, things are more straightforward. People flit from relationship to relationship quite seamlessly. As SomethingToSay says "single never-married girls often dont understand the dynamics of marriage and how unlikely it is a man will just "break up" with his wife and start anew with her." When I had my A, I never wanted him to leave his wife. His children are all adults but I still never wanted to be the cause of anyone breaking up. I actually was a little worried that he would want to leave since he always said that the day he cheats is the day he leaves her. (I mean he didn't say this to me specifically but in general). That would be too much responsibility to be a cause of someone's marriage breaking up. I think that he would resent me subconsciously if he had to do that for my benefit. I don't quite understand why women want a man who would leave his wife for her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
renaissancewoman Posted April 30, 2016 Share Posted April 30, 2016 When I had my A, I never wanted him to leave his wife. His children are all adults but I still never wanted to be the cause of anyone breaking up. I actually was a little worried that he would want to leave since he always said that the day he cheats is the day he leaves her. (I mean he didn't say this to me specifically but in general). That would be too much responsibility to be a cause of someone's marriage breaking up. I think that he would resent me subconsciously if he had to do that for my benefit. I don't quite understand why women want a man who would leave his wife for her. I will never understand why any woman would want a man who already has a wife. If you never wanted your MM to leave his wife for you and be the "cause" of a break up, why would you ever engage in something so destructive as an affair? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Girlfromcali Posted April 30, 2016 Share Posted April 30, 2016 I will never understand why any woman would want a man who already has a wife. If you never wanted your MM to leave his wife for you and be the "cause" of a break up, why would you ever engage in something so destructive as an affair? I didn't know it was going to be destructive. Why I did it has probably a lot to with with issues I have, but I did end it pretty quickly when I figured out where it was headed. I didn't realize a lot of things. I didn't understand how someone can call me their soulmate and say they've never wanted any other woman as much and all that BS, and since he had always said he'd never cheat, I thought he was being honest about that, and that their relationship was over. Because why would he say all those things so consistently? I realized pretty quickly that he had no intention of leaving her nor would I want him to choose me over her. It's like the saying "if you think about choosing between me and another person, don't choose me". I want to be the only choice, not a choice someone has to think about. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
renaissancewoman Posted April 30, 2016 Share Posted April 30, 2016 I didn't know it was going to be destructive. Why I did it has probably a lot to with with issues I have, but I did end it pretty quickly when I figured out where it was headed. I didn't realize a lot of things. I didn't understand how someone can call me their soulmate and say they've never wanted any other woman as much and all that BS, and since he had always said he'd never cheat, I thought he was being honest about that, and that their relationship was over. Because why would he say all those things so consistently? I realized pretty quickly that he had no intention of leaving her nor would I want him to choose me over her. It's like the saying "if you think about choosing between me and another person, don't choose me". I want to be the only choice, not a choice someone has to think about. So much mental gymnastics, it's no wonder anyone can find it hard to think straight. So let me try and make sense of what you just said: You didn't know it was going to be destructive. And you realized "pretty quickly where it was headed and ended it." Did you actually give any thought whatsoever at where it would lead? Where did you think it was going to end up? You said you didn't want him to leave his wife. But then you also said that you were swept away with all his soulmate talk. So which is it? You were content with being his soulmate and him NOT leaving his wife for you? But then you ended it quickly when you realized that he wasn't going to leave her for you (his soulmate)? He said he would never cheat all the while cheating WITH YOU? I'm really confused. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Girlfromcali Posted April 30, 2016 Share Posted April 30, 2016 (edited) So much mental gymnastics, it's no wonder anyone can find it hard to think straight. So let me try and make sense of what you just said: You didn't know it was going to be destructive. And you realized "pretty quickly where it was headed and ended it." Did you actually give any thought whatsoever at where it would lead? Where did you think it was going to end up? You said you didn't want him to leave his wife. But then you also said that you were swept away with all his soulmate talk. So which is it? You were content with being his soulmate and him NOT leaving his wife for you? But then you ended it quickly when you realized that he wasn't going to leave her for you (his soulmate)? He said he would never cheat all the while cheating WITH YOU? I'm really confused. I didn't think where it was going to lead. Trust me when I tell you that I wouldn't do that again now that I know where it leads. I think I have issues, especially when it comes to men. I don't know any other way of explaining it. He was happily married, never cheats bla bla...then out of nowhere he starts coming onto me aggressively, and then relatively quickly...you are my soulmate, you complete me. He even called me his wife when we were in public. I wish I could explain the mind ***k. I knew it was wrong, I had these moments of almost like derealization, where I was looking at myself outside my body. Like, it wasn't real at all. I've only met him twice. I broke it off before the third meeting. I know it was wrong but if I were a mentally healthy and happy person I doubt I would have participated in it at all. I'm still not over him. (I can't give all details because people I know IRL know about this place but I can always PM). Edited April 30, 2016 by Girlfromcali 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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