How do you know what to believe?

[Arieswoman]

Gloria25 post #47

 

Doesn't matter how he feels about you, MMs in affairs aren't gonna stop having sex with their BS. Some of them are actually gonna turn "hypersexual"...in other words, you turned him on, now he wants more of it - even if he has to jump on the BS to get some. Some of them are creepy - they're getting off that you and the BS wants them at the same time, yep, I said it!!!

 

This x100 ^^^^

 

When my (then) H was engaged in his affair his interest in sex went up about 200%. That's one of the reasons I got suspicious, because he'd come back after a supposed football match, telling me how much he wanted me and wanting to jump on my bones. I couldn't understand what there was about football that was so erotic!

[oceansaway]

Bottom line...affairs are ALL based on lies. Either lying to others or yourself.

 

Hold your head up high and walk away.

 

Save your own marriage or leave

[Lady2163]

Maybe things were different since I had no illusions that he would leave his wife and we would ride off into the sunset together. I don't think he told any major lies. I'm. To even sure about any little white lies. He was very honest.

 

I'm not exaggerating, there wasn't much to lie about in our "relationship". We were together for 7 years. I think if he started lying that would have sent me running to the hills earlier.

 

He never said they didn't have sex, he said they rarely had sex and when they did, it was very vanilla. He still achieved orgasm as did she.

I never felt jealous of the wife or any vacations or gifts he got her.

I did the Facebook stalk, but they both have their privacy settings on high, so not much to see.

[loveisanaction]

I don't think i understand why you are upset because your married man could possibly be sleeping with his wife. You even said that sometimes he's on the phone when you're taking your lunch break and that...OMG! Could he be talking to his wife? I had to laugh at that one...i'm sorry.

 

It surprises me sometimes when ow are shocked when a married man behaves like....well like he's married. Married people call each other...they have sex...they go on vacation...they have dinner...they take pictures. That's why it's called a marriage.

 

Please do not ever feel angry, upset or emotional because a married man loves his wife. She is his wife; what else is he supposed do?

 

My advice to you op is to love on your husband...be married...go and do to your husband what your married man is doing to his wife. That's what you are supposed to be doing anyway. You are married right? So act like it.

Edited April 9, 2016 by loveisanaction

[Gloria25]

Maybe things were different since I had no illusions that he would leave his wife and we would ride off into the sunset together. I don't think he told any major lies. I'm. To even sure about any little white lies. He was very honest.

 

I'm not exaggerating, there wasn't much to lie about in our "relationship". We were together for 7 years. I think if he started lying that would have sent me running to the hills earlier.

 

He never said they didn't have sex, he said they rarely had sex and when they did, it was very vanilla. He still achieved orgasm as did she.

I never felt jealous of the wife or any vacations or gifts he got her.

I did the Facebook stalk, but they both have their privacy settings on high, so not much to see.

 

Well, my posts were more directed to the women who get "surprised" when the BS is having sex with the WS; and, then get hurt when they find out about it - especially when the WS is lying about it and/or talking about the BS like she's this entity that he'll never kiss, touch, and/or have feeling for again/ever. A lot of WS like to play that game...I guess it gets them sympathy and/or tail?

[Gloria25]

Please do not ever feel angry, upset or emotional because a married man loves his wife. She is his wife; what else is he supposed do?

 

I think the shocker for some OW is that cuz he's filling her head with all these stories about how he's unhappy with the BS, so when they catch him in a lie and/or doing things "married" people do, they are stunned.

[Jersey born raised]

In think in the main paralegal is right. But a question does exist. Is her strong attachment to MOM combined with her being married causing her to be very limited as to choices of man? IE if she was divorced would she be able to find a person who could and would go all in on a relationship and move on from OM?

[Friskyone4u]

Really interesting.

 

MM is a liar and deserves to be thrown off a cliff??

 

How about you. Is what you are doing to your husband somehow better?????

[2016forme]

A married man will tell you almost anything you want to hear.By him telling you the so called bad stuff in his marriage, he is lying to you. Married men will say anything to a woman if she allows it.Trust me. 99 percent of the time, the married men lie because they feel it is a way in which the woman will believe everything they hear. There is nothing worse than being deceived by someone who is married and lying about their level of intimacy with their spouse. I almost fell into the trap of being lied to.It almost cost me my entire sanity and well being.

 

I know it may be hard to resist. But please don't fall into the trap of believing this married man. He will tell you anything that sounds good in order to convince you. You will be hurt in the long run if you believe what your married man says. It is good that you are finding out early before it's too late. This guy wants the best of two worlds. Don't invest any more time with him. Run while you can.

Edited April 19, 2016 by 2016forme

[notthechosen1]

Really interesting.

 

MM is a liar and deserves to be thrown off a cliff??

 

How about you. Is what you are doing to your husband somehow better?????

 

 

Who said mm should be thrown off a cliff?

 

For everybody who keeps talking about husband- it's pointless.

He left me and moved out about 5 mos ago.

 

Yes I'm still married but my husband is irrelevant.

[MrsBilliethekid]

My xH and I had sex twice in 5 years. Ended up with 2 children out of it. However the point is, he probably told his OW that we weren't having sex and he'd have been telling the truth.

[notthechosen1]

I don't even know what to say. The last couple weeks have been horrendous.

I've been so devastated and depressed and so angry at mm.

 

He is such a liar and it's all been proven now. How could I be such a fool?!?! I am so mad at myself for actually believing him and all he said about me.

He did the future faking as well constant talks about what life would be like if we lived together, he always talked about getting a boat and all these other things we could do together. And life would just be wonderful.

 

I got my wake up call when his wife messaged me through fb. She said she had seen the messages bw him and I and and proceeded to tell me to no longer contact him or else she would send all the photos and messages I sent him out to fellow co workers and went on to say she is researching me to find my family and will also send everything to them as well. I never wrote her back.

I was so sick I called off work for 2 days. I have tried to message MM to see what is going on and he is ignoring me now. I went back to work yesterday and he was doing his best to avoid me. And still ignoring my messages. I could see where he is reading them and then nothing.

 

I couldn't take it anymore so I left work a few mins early and waited by his car. when he saw me he just shook his head and said please don't do this, I can not talk to you or be around you anymore. I told him I was so confused as just last week we were messaging each other still like we always had been. We were supposed to meet up wed night since his wife had something to do and he never showed. Thurs is when I received her email.

 

I'm so sick guys. I've lost him and I realize I never had him. Why? I just can't believe this.

And it gets worse....

 

Apparently he gave her access to our email account! So I assume she was the one reading the messages, not him. I have not confirmed whether he willingly gave it or she found it. He has not said one thing!!!!

She sends me another message today asking why I keep bothering and harassing her husband?! She said she knows I was waiting for him at his car after work. She then called me psycho and a stalker and some other things.

She then proceeded to fill me in on some of the personal stuff we discussed in our emails. And telling me that I am dumb and naive to have ever believed him, that she has never slept in another room or bed without her husband, that he dotes on her 24/7, they have sex all the time and then she tells me- i hope you really didn't believe him when he said how amazing you are and that nobody else has made him feel this connection passion and spark like we had. She went on to inform me that SHE is the one who makes him feel like nobody else does, and he tells her so every single day. He tells her how amazing and incredible she is as well. It went on and on basically her discrediting everything he ever told me since she could see all he wrote to me!!!

I shook it off and thought ok she's just mad this is typical and she's trying to hurt me bc she's hurt.

I changed the password to our email to lock her out and within an hour I received a 3rd email from her. This one was a little nice and somewhat apologetic. She said she knows I changed the pw on our email and she didn't care bc she already had took screenshots of everything and all the pics. She then went on to say that this is not normally how she would behave (emailing me with threats) but she said she had told her husband months ago to stop all contact with me or else she was leaving him. She claims she knew about me way back then and has been keeping an eye on things and finally he slipped up and she got the proof she needed. She apologized for being hateful and cruel in her prior messages and even said "I don't blame you". She went on to say she had deliberately pushed her husband away and was fed up with the marriage and feels his affair is her fault bc of this. She asked if I would please just leave him alone and assured me he would be doing no contact hard.

To make me want him less she added about 10 screenshots of emails from him to her within the last 2 weeks showing how he does profess his undying love for him and how amazing she is. He was more or less begging for his wife to give him a second chance all while stringing me along.

The last screenshot was the most hurtful and she sent it on purpose to hurt me but it was a wake up call. It was an email bw them and he basically threw me under the bus. He said I was nothing but a mistake, I was available during an emotional time, that it started out innocent until I started pushing for more.

He also went on to say that no he didn't love me, never did. He did feel a spark at first but once his wife came back to him he realized I was just "lust" and she's the one he wants forever as nobody can and never will compare to his wife.

And then he said I wasn't even that attractive and he still doesn't understand how he could have had any interest in me at all.

 

I just want to throw up. I can't eat or sleep. I see him at work and I just want to start crying and at times go up to him and slap him! I don't know what to do.

 

He's done with me and now he can't even message me as I changed our email password.

 

He's telling her everything though. Why.

 

I am a loser for ever believing him. He won't even look at me like I'm just trash now.

 

This last weekend was so hard. I've been doing some soul searching and missing my own husband and wondering if the reason he left me was bc of my affair.

He just up and left one day and moved in with his brother. I was so head over mm and was sure he was going to leave his wife that I didn't even care when my own husband left!!! I was glad bc I thought it was one step closer to being with mm.

 

I hope all this made sense and sorry it's so long.!! I am a complete mess.

 

And I feel so ugly now after seeing how he really felt.

 

Maybe he just said that to her to appease her? I have to stop with these what ifs

[Ms. Faust]

I am so sorry.

 

When an affair is discovered if the MM is remorseful they may give 100% transparency, which basically means he gives her access to anything and everything. Depending on what she wants or asks for he may give her a timeline and go into detail.

 

It sounds like he has given her transparency and is trying to recommit to her.

 

Time will tell if he will be back, but it's best to focus on your own actions from here on out.

 

Good luck, I understand this must be an extremely emotional time for you. Is it possible you can find another job?

[rainbowsandkittens]

Read other threads about D Day either in this forum or the Infidelity one. What he's doing is common. He was found out and he threw you under the bus and promised to never speak to you again. I know you want answers but, honestly, you're probably not going to get them. I think his wife was telling the truth (as proven by her emails) about everything he lied to you about. I would take that to help you get angry- and stay angry- with him. The other stuff... what's he going to say? "My AP is super hot and I love her so much and was deeply invested in her but hey, can you take me back?" Of course not. I am sure he cared about you and thought you were attractive and was interested in you more than just for sex but just not enough to give up the rest of his life. Not more than his wife.

 

I'm sorry this happened. I would stop trying to contact him. Find a therapist to work through these feelings. And don't try and get your husband back just bc you now feel alone and need companionship and validation. If you truly want him back work that out with a therapist and maybe try MC.

 

And def try and see if you can find a new job.

[Ms. Faust]

I also don't think she sent the last email to be spiteful. I think she sent it to give you a wake up call, and show you how dubious this guy is. She is the one who truly knows him. You were with him for one year, they have been together for years. It sounds like she is willing to take him back, and she is asking you to go on with your life so they can pick up the pieces of theirs.

[rainbowsandkittens]

^ well there might have been a *little* spite in there. She didn't really need to send the last email. But given what she's going through it's to be expected.

[privategal]

Can you imagine being his WIFE.

What a jerk HE is...lying his @ss off to her, then the second he's caught he runs with his tail between his legs professing his undying love to her, then cant face you the one he professed to love, blames ALL his mistakes on YOU pressuring him for more.

Close your facebook, start job searching immediately and take a vacation too.

What a mess, what a giant lying future faking, cake eating coward.

You spotted his lies weeks ago!

This hurts and Im so sorry but look what your missing? Not much, she can have him! Do not engage her but if you do..tell her you saw her pic, believed his lies then confronted him.

Tell her you are sorry then disappear.

Do not write him again.

You have NOTHING to say to him.

This guy would be one to come back after the dust settles and take it underground. Ughhhhh.

Edited April 23, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T

[MrsBilliethekid]

Exactly what everyone else says. He will promise the earth and convince her he had an affair with a slug if it wins her back. My xH told me the exact same, he didn't even fancy his OW, not like he fancies me. He was just lonely and she made herself available. I saw the messages of him professing his undying love though. I guess what I'm trying to say is don't take it personally, he is telling her what she wants to hear in order to preserve his marriage. His wife is showing you all this stuff in order to assert her place as his number one also, you can bet she's feeling far from it.

 

Cut contact, walk away with your head held high and look on it as a valuable learning experience. Their marriage won't last, she'll soon realise he's not the prize and show him the door. Do NOT be waiting on him xx

[Dancewithme]

Dear OP, I am sorry you are hurting. I would recommend IC to you to help you work through your loss, self esteem, and other issues.

 

You cannot blame the MM and his BW for any of this. This is usually how the A game plays out, especially when the MM wants to stay married. His wife is his #1, and they are going to circle their wagons around their marriage. In a marriage, there is no room for a secret girlfriend.

 

They have given you a gift, a jump-start to your healing. You know exactly what happened, you know where everyone stands.

 

Forget about your H, it seems he knew what was going on, and left to protect himself. He had to know your heart was otherwise occupied, as you did not go after him, and try to save your marriage. So, that's that.

 

It's all about you now. Grieve the loss of your dreams of a future with MM. You

now know it was not reality. Try not to wallow in your misery; remember, you have been given the gift of truth and reality.

 

Do the IC, throw yourself into anything constructive that will occupy you: exercise, new hobby, whatever faith you may practice, service for those less fortunate.

 

And I recommend looking for a new job.

 

You will be ok. Remember, when one door closes, another usually opens.

Edited April 20, 2016 by Dancewithme

[privategal]

I think in order to assist yourself here, my vote is...you are already going to be in clean up mode, rebuilding mode.

I was thinking maybe you might as well address the divorce NOW.

The reason is, it will distract you, give you something to focus on, it will help you to tidy up the loose ends to your life and once the proceedings are through you can be FREE from both relationships and have a new start.

While you are in crisis and repair mode you might as well dive into moving foward on the divorce and feel like you are making some progress in your life.

Do not believe the XMM is happy, but thdre again...do not even think of him but rather close your heart, greive, heal and continue looking forward. Its going to be ok in time but right now you wont feel normal.

Maybe call your doc and discuss options for stress and anxiety, sleep etc.

If you can, enroll in ic too.

Call your estranged husband, keep it civil, peaceful and discuss moving forward on Divorce.

Keep moving, at the end you will be your strongest ever.

You are in shock, call on anyone and evetyone you can for support.

GET OUT OF THAT JOB.

[imperfectangel]

Gloria25 post #47

 

 

 

This x100 ^^^^

 

When my (then) H was engaged in his affair his interest in sex went up about 200%. That's one of the reasons I got suspicious, because he'd come back after a supposed football match, telling me how much he wanted me and wanting to jump on my bones. I couldn't understand what there was about football that was so erotic!

 

Sorry but this made me lol ?

[Grapesofwrath]

Let's say that what she is telling you is true...that he tells her daily how much he adores her, that they have sex all the time, that he showers her with affection and love. Imagine how awful she must feel right now? Her world is crashing down around her and she is questioning everything she has ever known. I think her reaction to you is understandable, in that context. He is also doing the expected thing: no contact with you, total transparency to his wife, in an attempt to reconcile with her and keep the marriage intact. He is saying the things that he has to say in order to avoid losing his marriage and life as he knows it.

 

I would advise you to back WAAAAAY off. For your own safety, sanity, and mental health. Let them do what they need to do to work on their marriage. Try to view him as the duplicitous, conniving, manipulative person that he is. He says what women want to hear in order to satisfy his own goals. You can--and will--do better.

[Jersey born raised]

Not to be asked of BW but I got to wonder at her mindset at this point. I get driving the third party out of the marriage or pending divorce but to act all in like she is?

 

NotChosen, you are in a lot of pain. You have a choice: grow or live in pain. I need to ask, only because it might give you clarity, how much of your MOM in your mind at the time, had qualities your stbx did not. What qualities did he have, again in your mind, that caused you to believe the MOM would not harm you like your stbx?

 

I hate which came first the chicken or the egg discussions. I hate the endless are you sure that is why you did it? I hate is this really who you are conversations. But there are tmes you need to answer these questions yourself. How much do I hate these moments, I have avoided many things so I would not have to face up to these type of questions.

[notthechosen1]

I have just been near a panic attack all day since her messages.

 

Now it's time to leave work and I'm intentionally hanging around late to make sure mm leaves and is well gone before I leave.

 

I'm scared also. The way his w found me and knew about our talk at the car has me leery. I assume he told her but what if she has been spying on us. This makes me sick and now I feel scared to leave work or anywhere for fear she will be there or around watching my every move. I don't think she would but I keep having back and forth thoughts over that.

 

Another thing that keeps spinning in my head is SHE ALREADY KNEW of me MONTHS ago??? He never said one word of this or led me to believe she would have any clue what were doing. He always assured me that he was completely discreet and there is no way his wife would ever know. I fully trusted him on that. I keep wondering why he never said anything? I wonder if she is making it up.

 

And I am having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that he gave her OUR email account password!!!! This is the one thing I can't fathom. I wonder if she just had access to his phone and the email on it.

 

I'm so disgusted knowing she has seen all the pics and has copies of them that i sent to mm. So embarassing.

 

I'm livid and really want to just go off on him, but I won't. I also want to change the password back to see if maybe he would ever check it again.

 

What if she really tells coworkers and others?!?!?

 

I'm going to lay low bc I'm worried about her but not bc of him.

 

I need answers from him and some form of closure.

 

I've thought about looking for another job, but a part of me doesn't want to leave bc what if he comes back? What if he realizes he does not want her after all?

 

That's where my mind is at. Scared hurt and so confused as to what really happened bw mm and his w.

[notthechosen1]

If she knew months ago which would be the high point of our affair when he was so adamant on leaving his wife- why not take that as the opportunity to leave her?? He had a perfect chance and instead he goes full force trying to win her back? Or did he? I don't know I'm so confused.

I can't stand this.

I just need to talk to him, hear him tell me anything at this point!! Other than "I can't be around you"