How do you know what to believe?

[elaine567]

The Humiliating Dance of 'Pick Me!'

[stilltrying16]

The Humiliating Dance of 'Pick Me!'

What a wonderful article. Should be required reading for MMs, BWs and OWs! Thank you for posting it.

 

OP, my heart goes out to you. As others are saying, thank goodness you got a good heads up in time. But I'm a little concerned because after being sickened by his behavior (as I think most of us posting were), in your last post you seemed to be wavering. You said you wanted to talk to him. You also seem to be having doubts about the BW- her intent towards you.

 

Please don't waver now. Read the article that Elaine posted.

 

You asked how she could have found out that you were waiting by the car. What if wasn't anything terribly sinister on her part? My theory is MM told her since he seems bent on convincing her that you are pushing yourself on him? He probably invents stuff but now here's something that actually happened so he probably felt very righteous telling her.

 

Ugh.

 

In case I'm beginning to sound like a man hater, I'm really not. I know and have known many men who are decent, kind, caring, and who treat people with respect. My current partner, my brother, my father, my uncles, my friends....I love them and respect them. It's against that background that to me he stands out as a coward, a fool, and a user. But one that has enough superficial charm to hook people to him. I honestly would consider it a compliment if someone like him declared I wasn't that attractive.

 

Please go full on NC with him- and please read that article. Keep posting. You are going to heal- I know it.

[Ms. Faust]

I get the impression he told her. It sounds like maybe you came up in previous months (not necessarily YOU, per se, but a co-worker who was of concern) and her feelers were up. She probably found some evidence, confronted, he confessed everything, and gave up all passwords.

 

He also probably told her about you meeting him at his car. I imagine in a "See!! This woman won't stop harassing me!!" sorta way.

 

At this point seeking closure and answers will further cement in their minds that you are harassing and stalking him.

[sandylee1]

Oh deary me.

 

I think much of what you've said is what happens after a dday... except in most cases the OW isn't privy to it because the BW doesn't share this info. Quite often they refuse to correspond with the OW or give them an insight into their marriage.... but I think it's good that you have this insight.

 

You'd never have believed it if others told you .... that's the thinking of most OWS. ... that every word MM said was the truth.

 

It's time you leave him alone and take control of your life. Your marriage is over.. your husband probably realised you weren't into him and that your heart was elsewhere. No man really wants to have to try and win his wife over from another.

 

Seek some counselling to talk things through and consider looking for another job.

 

He will be reporting back to her EVERY TIME you try and speak to him. Total NC is needed from now onwards. I'm sure his wife will follow through and send those pics and emails to your family if you attempt any further contact.

[Marc878]

This is pretty normal. MM for the most part always go back to their wife. They will not take the financial hit on CS and Alimony.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if she sent everything to your husband. I'd bet that's why he left.

 

Learn a big life lesson on this.

Edited April 20, 2016 by Marc878

[Marc878]

I've thought about looking for another job, but a part of me doesn't want to leave bc what if he comes back? What if he realizes he does not want her after all?

 

That's where my mind is at. Scared hurt and so confused as to what really happened bw mm and his w.

 

Even after all that's happened you're still in denial. Wake up and see this for what it is.

[rainbowsandkittens]

Like stilltrying said- I don't think there is anything sinister going on with the BS. You know the saying, "When you hear hooves think horses not zebras"? MM giving his wife the password to your email, telling her when you go to him, telling her everything about your affair (that puts him in a good light and you not, especially) is horses. You need to believe that him coming back, her leaving him, him missing you and checking the email without her knowing... at this point that's a zebra.

 

(Is this making sense to anyone other than me?)

 

I don't think you're confused so much as hopeful. That she's lying, that he's coming back, etc. And while hope is usually something a good thing to have- in this case all it's going to do is bring you hurt.

 

He knows where you live. He knows how to find you. If you get another job and he truly leaves his marriage and wants to be with you, you being at another job won't stop that. But if he's truly staying and making things right with his wife and ending things with you totally and completely...well, staying where you are is just going to hurt you. Especially when you see how much he's not hurting.

 

As hard as it is (and I know from current experience) you need to shut him out as completely as you can so you can heal.

[elaine567]

If she knew months ago which would be the high point of our affair when he was so adamant on leaving his wife- why not take that as the opportunity to leave her?? He had a perfect chance and instead he goes full force trying to win her back? Or did he? I don't know I'm so confused.

I can't stand this.

I just need to talk to him, hear him tell me anything at this point!! Other than "I can't be around you"

 

Look he didn't steer you into the nearest stationary cupboard or his office at work to talk in private and say, "The wife knows but that is OK as now we can be together as I love you and we are meant for each other", did he?

 

No, he slunk out of work after doing his best to avoid you all day, and YOU had to confront him in the car-park and then, "he just shook his head and said please don't do this, I can not talk to you or be around you anymore."

 

I think it is fairly clear what his intentions are.

There is no confusion, sorry!

[whatatangledweb]

If she knew months ago which would be the high point of our affair when he was so adamant on leaving his wife- why not take that as the opportunity to leave her?? He had a perfect chance and instead he goes full force trying to win her back? Or did he? I don't know I'm so confused.

I can't stand this.

I just need to talk to him, hear him tell me anything at this point!! Other than "I can't be around you"

 

He is not going to give you any answers. Though he may go to your employer if you keep trying to get them. He told you he can't be around you an he is avoiding you. It is harassment if you keep trying to get him to talk to you.

 

He told his wife the password and email because he wants to stay married and yes, she will have the info from his phone. My husband told me everything. I read all the emails, texts. If you want to know why it is because I wanted to see what he had wrote her and to see if he had been lying about what was in those things.

 

I don't think she is spying but that her husband told her you were at his car. I don't doubt she will send those things out if you have contact with him again.

 

He is trying to win her back just as those emails said. He wants to stay married. If he didn't he wouldn't have told her you were waiting at his car.

 

I am sorry you are hurting but you have to realize the affair is done.

[notthechosen1]

This is pretty normal. MM for the most part always go back to their wife. They will not take the financial hit on CS and Alimony.

.

 

Is that what you did? Are you a married man who was cheating and when your wife found out you decided to stay with her to prevent paying CS and Alimony??

 

That seems like a generic chaveunistic answer....

 

MM will stay with their wives to avoid a financial debt?

 

That doesn't match with what I've been reading on here.

 

And that would be truly sad if all the men reconciling with their wives were only doing based out of financial concerns and not real love for their wife.

 

Not buying it.

[notthechosen1]

I'm laying low today. I've seen him a few times around work and nothing.

 

I'm a mess. I'm so confused today. More than ever. I can't sleep. All night I re read all our messages. I just don't get it.

 

I've convinced myself that he is just doing what he can to calm things down at home. Pathetic I know.

 

I know from reading on here that it's pretty much over. He might come back but it will never be the same.

 

I wish it could all go back to about 4 months ago

[Ms. Faust]

Is that what you did? Are you a married man who was cheating and when your wife found out you decided to stay with her to prevent paying CS and Alimony??

 

That seems like a generic chaveunistic answer....

 

MM will stay with their wives to avoid a financial debt?

 

That doesn't match with what I've been reading on here.

 

And that would be truly sad if all the men reconciling with their wives were only doing based out of financial concerns and not real love for their wife.

 

Not buying it.

 

Married men AND betrayed wives will stay for financial reasons. It's not always the case, but I would say more often than not it can be a huge driving factor.

 

They usually mask it in the form of "I'm staying for the kids". I think the full sentence is "I am staying for the kids to ensure that we all continue the life that we have grown accustomed to".

 

I don't see how this is surprising to believe. People develop a comfortable lifestyle, and divorce usually destroys it.

Edited April 21, 2016 by Ms. Faust

[elaine567]

And that would be truly sad if all the men reconciling with their wives were only doing based out of financial concerns and not real love for their wife.

 

Not buying it.

 

There are a lot of reasons men stay with their wives and finances is one them of course it is, as well as friends, work, social life, the house, place in the community, being seen as a "good" father, husband and provider.

There is also a status involved with being a married man, that is not often associated with being shacked up with the OW, or being seen as a divorcee.

Those married "trappings" can all mean a lot more to some men than any "love" for the OW or even the wife.

 

Some men just do not want to give that all that up, for anyone.

Given the stark choice, many men then choose to stay married.

[anika99]

Based on everything you have said here, especially what his wife said to you about blaming herself because she was fed up with her marriage and had been pushing her husband away, I believe that the MM only had the affair because he felt rejected and unloved by the one he really wanted, his wife. I think a lot of MM who have affairs really just want their wive's attention. When they get caught and their wife becomes attentive, jealous and possessive then they are more than happy to end the affair because they are finally getting what they really wanted all along, love and attention from their wife.

[sandylee1]

OP your hurt comes from thinking what you had was special. It was evidently special to you and not so special to him. He loved the attention and boost from an attractive woman. .. but it doesn't seem like it was any more than that for him.

[ladydesigner]

Married men AND betrayed wives will stay for financial reasons. It's not always the case, but I would say more often than not it can be a huge driving factor.

 

They usually mask it in the form of "I'm staying for the kids". I think the full sentence is "I am staying for the kids to ensure that we all continue the life that we have grown accustomed to".

 

I don't see how this is surprising to believe. People develop a comfortable lifestyle, and divorce usually destroys it.

 

I'm currently staying for finances and kids and I am a BS.

[Ms. Faust]

 

I've convinced myself that he is just doing what he can to calm things down at home. Pathetic I know.

 

 

OK, so ask yourself WHY would he want to calm things down at home when he was making plans to live and buy things with you? The cat is out of the bag, she already knows everything about your relationship.

 

What would be the point of calming things down at home?

 

I'm currently staying for finances and kids and I am a BS.

 

I admire your honesty.

[renaissancewoman]

There is a great quote from Randy Pausch from his Last Lecture in which he says:

 

"When it comes to men who are romantically interested in you, ignore everything they say and pay attention to what they do."

 

So take away everything he has SAID to you. What do his actions reveal? Start from there. Start from the simple fact that everything in your relationship was founded on deceit. That is what you know of him by actions, without even him uttering a single word.

 

I'm sorry that you find yourself in this situation. I hope that you can find a way to consider everything from an objective point of view and see the truth for what it is and find strength in yourself to move forward with your life. How is YOUR marriage?

[BuddyX]

Of course he's staying for the $. As well as others factors.

Previous post said it best (please take credit for the following quote).

 

"What I think most of these MM really fear is that they'll get stuck with close to 50/50 custody. Which means that they'll get stuck with all of the crappy tasks their Ws do, like cooking for the kids, driving the kids around, and basically having to deal with the tantrums and drama, and not just the Kodak Moments. On weekends, heaven forbid.

 

They all say its guilt, kids, blah blah.

 

Translation: I don't want everyone to know what a selfish ass I am. I want to keep my money and maintain the status quo.

 

If they felt guilty about their affairs and their kids, why are they spending time away from their kids in bed with an OW?"

 

You're still looking for answers that don't exist. You're getting defensive every time someone on this thread gives you advice or predicts what will happen (and most of the time they're right).

 

Start looking out for yourself. Go outside. Run. Have a girls night out.

[ShatteredLady]

Originally Posted by ladydesigner....

"I'm currently staying for finances and kids and I am a BS."

 

Many of your posts hit me hard because I think we're kind-of in a similar place. Can I ask, do you love your H still? Were you completely blindsided? Was your M 'good', in your opinion, before his A?

 

We are selling-up everything. H leaving his job. Selling our dream house (we only bought a couple of years ago & we can't afford to ship most of out things, different electrics so all of that stuff has to go) England is far, far more expensive. We are moving to financial ruin. My H is late 40's. This will change the rest of our lives.

 

I love him but to love him destroys the little self-respect I have remaining.

 

He planned to leave "us", not just me. He was planning on only occasionally seeing our kids when they could fly out to see him.

 

On one hand I get that maybe it should feel better because I can't think "he's only staying for finances or kids" but that doesn't help me at all.

 

Do you have faith he will never do it again? Has he hurt you so much that you can't believe he knows what love is? I do!! I'm trying so hard but if I make a list of everything I want & need in life...love, passion, friendship, loyalty, protection, safety, security, my love my partner to share my life with...I just don't see it!

 

I look at my kids. I look at my lovely H....if I could turn back time?!? (What a stupid thing to think?! I can't not be sick no matter how good the time machine)

 

I just don't know!! I have all my life shared. My family....& yet I find it so hard to live on.

 

How can any OW (after d-day, back & forth, all the pain) not leave?

[Marc878]

Is that what you did? Are you a married man who was cheating and when your wife found out you decided to stay with her to prevent paying CS and Alimony??

 

That seems like a generic chaveunistic answer....

 

MM will stay with their wives to avoid a financial debt?

 

That doesn't match with what I've been reading on here.

 

And that would be truly sad if all the men reconciling with their wives were only doing based out of financial concerns and not real love for their wife.

 

Not buying it.

 

Read a few more. You'll soon get the gist of how it usually turns out. It's not 100% nothing is but in general terms. Pretty close.

 

MM are generally there for the sex. WW's and OW for the emotional connection.

 

Sorry you're here but it is what it is.

[ShatteredLady]

Marc. What you say, "MM are generally there for the sex. WW's and OW for the emotional connection.", I've read before but on forums, with real people talking about their real life experiences very rarely state that.

 

There's Liam who admits he was just there for the sex & there's a lady who was sleeping with 2 MM & says that MM1 was just there for the sex....but she says SHE just wanted sex for a long time.

 

Everyone else says things like "it was the deepest, most passionate, FRIENDS connection ever". They argue "We were friends for years first", "We rarely had sex" & some are EA's.

 

I don't know! Is it machismo &/or a good excuse for MM to say "It was just sex" because women bs's find that easier to forgive than he was truly in love?

 

Why are you convinced that MM are just after sex & everything they say regarding love & connection, 'soul mates' are just lies to get women to bond with their 'little lower brain' & not their heart or 'big brain'?

[ladydesigner]

Originally Posted by ladydesigner....

"I'm currently staying for finances and kids and I am a BS."

 

Many of your posts hit me hard because I think we're kind-of in a similar place. Can I ask, do you love your H still? Were you completely blindsided? Was your M 'good', in your opinion, before his A? Our M was good before we had kids that's when he decided he couldn't be a responsible adult and he didn't like the fact that attention was being taken away from him. Then his dad died (which is when I feel he started with his shady crossing of boundaries and A's I have no confirmation of but some proof. Our M before his A with the last OW was just awful. My WH was never home so I started to withdraw from him and he decided he was going to have an LTA with his MOW. So I wasn't completely blindsided by the last A but I fell apart with all the proof

 

We are selling-up everything. H leaving his job. Selling our dream house (we only bought a couple of years ago & we can't afford to ship most of out things, different electrics so all of that stuff has to go) England is far, far more expensive. We are moving to financial ruin. My H is late 40's. This will change the rest of our lives.

 

I love him but to love him destroys the little self-respect I have remaining. Yes I get this feeling too, especially since False R I cannot give all of myself to him anymore plus I haven't seen much work on himself since all of this happened.

 

He planned to leave "us", not just me. He was planning on only occasionally seeing our kids when they could fly out to see him. I'm not sure mine was planning to leave, MOW sure thought so.

 

On one hand I get that maybe it should feel better because I can't think "he's only staying for finances or kids" but that doesn't help me at all. I know it doesn't and it also doesn't help when we feel we are staying for the same reasons.

 

Do you have faith he will never do it again? Has he hurt you so much that you can't believe he knows what love is? I do!! I'm trying so hard but if I make a list of everything I want & need in life...love, passion, friendship, loyalty, protection, safety, security, my love my partner to share my life with...I just don't see it! I do not have faith that he will never do it again, my WH has already proven he is capable over and over again, like a sickness.

 

I look at my kids. I look at my lovely H....if I could turn back time?!? (What a stupid thing to think?! I can't not be sick no matter how good the time machine) I could use either a time machine or something like from the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

 

I just don't know!! I have all my life shared. My family....& yet I find it so hard to live on. Me too

 

How can any OW (after d-day, back & forth, all the pain) not leave?

 

Answers in bold

 

Edited to Add: I love my WH for the history we have shared and the good times as well, I do not love the WH that did this to me so I am torn.

[Marc878]

Marc. What you say, "MM are generally there for the sex. WW's and OW for the emotional connection.", I've read before but on forums, with real people talking about their real life experiences very rarely state that.

 

There's Liam who admits he was just there for the sex & there's a lady who was sleeping with 2 MM & says that MM1 was just there for the sex....but she says SHE just wanted sex for a long time.

 

Everyone else says things like "it was the deepest, most passionate, FRIENDS connection ever". They argue "We were friends for years first", "We rarely had sex" & some are EA's.

 

I don't know! Is it machismo &/or a good excuse for MM to say "It was just sex" because women bs's find that easier to forgive than he was truly in love?

 

Why are you convinced that MM are just after sex & everything they say regarding love & connection, 'soul mates' are just lies to get women to bond with their 'little lower brain' & not their heart or 'big brain'?

 

Up front there has to be an attraction and I said in general. Men are wired different than women.

 

Most women have to have an emotional connection for an affair. Men, an attraction is all it takes. Which one is easier to break? Obviously Its the attraction. Emotional ties run very deep that's why it's so hard to get over.

 

Most women who get involved and later dropped don't want to face the reality of what really happened. It's to hurtfull so it just can't be.

 

It's not 100% but for the most part that's how it is. Another thing, most will not destroy themselves financially over an affair if given a choice.

[ShatteredLady]

Love Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. It became one of my favorites before I walked out of the cinema. I was such a romantic. 'I would never use the machine. Oh no, not me!'. Reality sucks!!

 

I loved my life. Even once my spine started to go I turned it into a good thing & became a pain management 'expert'. I still don't have the words for what my H has done (AGAIN!!) disgusted, appalled, betrayed, broken. Then there's what to do about it?

 

This morning I was laughing & being silly. I caught the look on his face & thought, "you do love me!" but isn't the love just as valuable as the person giving it? He loved me when he broke my heart. I too am "torn". He killed something inside & I don't think I can resurrect it this time.

 

The first time I told myself it was a mental breakdown. It still seems unreal...the way he treated me, not the existence of the OW. This time he destroyed my reality of my family. Ugh!