"Why don't you want me to love you?"

[privategal]

Yeah....I don't think more sex or affection will fix my side of the issues we have. To be honest, I am sick and tired of giving to someone who doesn't give two craps what I say. The only reason I give perfunctory kisses and sex is because I don't want to be cheated on-just like you pointed out.

 

I can appreciate that he wants to be sweet now but it took a long time for him to get this way.

 

Reading over this thread, it's disheartening that most of the women appear to have taken my husband's needs into consideration over what I have shared. This could be because women are conditioned to please others to the exclusion of our own happiness.

 

I'm going to go lie down. I went to bed in the wee hours of the morning and I woke up after 5 hours of sleep.

 

Im sorry Betty, I replied before reading any other threads or follow up replies from you. Just was commenting on your origional thread. Sorry its been so rough. I clearly was WAY off base here.

[BettyDraper]

Betty

 

Why become so defensive? Recent change is just offering her perspective. She already acknowledged that your situation is different in many ways.

 

Still, why not be open the wisdom she is sharing with you. She obviously wants to help. Not harm.

 

Take from it what works and disregard what you feel can not work for you.

 

I don't think Recent Changes advice is a mandate, it's just another person sharing their perspective so you can look at the situation from a multi-dimensional aspect.

 

Who knows, maybe if you imbue bits and pieces of her way of seeing things into your life, it may help.

 

I don't get the sense that she wants to help. I feel judged by her words.

 

That is where my reaction came from.

[BettyDraper]

Im sorry Betty, I replied before reading any other threads or follow up replies from you. Just was commenting on your origional thread. Sorry its been so rough. I clearly was WAY off base here.

 

That's okay. You are entitled to your opinion just like anyone else on this forum.

 

Both perspectives are important in this situation. My feelings do not take precedence over my husband's but neither do his.

 

I think the resentment and coldness comes from putting his needs ahead of mine all the time without feeling heard or having issues resolved. There are also other changes and external pressures that have surely had an affect-I mentioned catching my husband's cold, hormonal challenges, lack of exercise due to not feeling well and quitting marijuana in another thread. I'm also very worried about my sibling.

 

I wish that I could just sleep all weekend but I have my volunteer work tomorrow morning and a family event on Saturday.

[Cablebandit]

I will ask but I'm guessing the answer would be no. He doesn't like forums and doesn't understand what I get out of them. My husband is a very introverted and private man who keeps to himself.

 

To be honest, I can see why you would want to hear my husband's side of this issue. On LS, we are only getting one piece of the puzzle whenever someone shares their problems.

 

With that being said, based on your last post it appears that your opinion is I am to blame for marrying my husband with trust issues and not treating him properly. I assumed my rampant trust issues would go away with time and I've gotten tired of giving of myself for the good of our marriage. Like I mentioned before, I do those things because I am my husband's only acceptable outlet for sex and affection. Not being cuddly and sexual just because I "don't feel like it" isn't really fair.

 

The past two weeks have been hard. My husband was sick and now I'm coming down with the same bad cold. I am exhausted as well as hormonal so I haven't been exercising. I've been craving crappy food. I'm sure all of those factors are playing a role in why I have been colder as usual on top of the emotional stuff.

 

You are to blame for marrying someone with trust issues. I am not saying you are/aren't to blame for anything else. I would just like to hear his perspective/feelings/thoughts.

[Liam1]

I don't get the sense that she wants to help. I feel judged by her words.

 

That is where my reaction came from.

 

Well, I am sorry you feel judged.

 

It's likely easy to feel that way on a forum like this, when you don't know the poster.

 

Thanks for explaining your reaction.

[BettyDraper]

You are to blame for marrying someone with trust issues. I am not saying you are/aren't to blame for anything else. I would just like to hear his perspective/feelings/thoughts.

 

I don't think anyone gets married with absolutely no personal issues. Human beings are complex and imperfect.

 

That said, I realize how important trust is in a relationship. I'm just pessimistic about putting my trust into a person only to have it blow up in my face. I've seen my husband's selfish and cold side; it's not pretty and very hard to deal with. He isn't like that now but I don't know if that aspect of his personality will come out again if I let my guard down.

 

I asked my husband to post here and he refused just as I thought he would. He said "Those people don't know us at all. They're just randoms on the internet judging. I don't know why you bother with forums." Sorry about that.

[BettyDraper]

Well, I am sorry you feel judged.

 

It's likely easy to feel that way on a forum like this, when you don't know the poster.

 

Thanks for explaining your reaction.

 

Not a problem. My reaction wasn't anything for you to worry about.

 

We can't hear or see each other so tone is hard to convey.

 

I was offended by the idea that I have a lessened capacity to love because of my trust issues and the metaphor seemed to be a negative comparison of myself to RC. That's why I explained the ways that I am loving.

[BettyDraper]

Just wanted to update everyone on my marriage...

 

Our marriage has improved greatly because I have decided to let go of the anger, resentment and refusal to trust my husband. I have also become more vulnerable. A week after my last post in this thread, my husband and I had a long conversation and I cried in his arms. It was a relief to open up and allow my husband to comfort me.

 

I have accepted that treating my husband as if he was my adversary was going to lead to divorce. Love is a risk and nothing is guaranteed. Since I am married to a wonderful man, it only made sense to make the leap of faith and trust him completely. Letting go of all the anger and pain has made me a happier person. It is hard work to carry around such negative emotions all the time.

 

Instead of getting angry, I share the emotions that I use anger to hide. Telling my husband that I feel sad or hurt usually leads to a protective response from him as well as better behavior. When my husband does or says something I which I don't appreciate, I am very sweet when I share the reasons why I am upset. My husband no longer shuts down or acts stubborn when I am kindly sharing what is bothering me.

 

Every evening we cuddle when he comes home which is so relaxing. Sometimes it leads to foreplay and making love. My husband seems much happier and he is also far more receptive to my requests. He has told me that he looks forward to coming home every evening and he's pleased that I am being more affectionate and open.

[kalap]

I think I need to be honest here instead of holding back information. I should add that my husband was not always the sweet and loving partner that he has been the past couple of years. He used to be selfish, brusque and unromantic. I went into my shell to protect myself. I also had abusive relationships with men when I was much younger and less confident. Seeing other women I care about be great to men and get disrespect in return didn't help. I know this is an awful and irrational way of thinking but I feel like being too loving to a man often results in being treated poorly. I apologize to male members who are posting in this thread; this is only what I have come to believe based on my experiences. There are good men in the world and my husband is one of them-now.

 

I realize that I should forgive and forget. I know that I should be happy that my husband is great to me.....it's just my tendency to distance myself and be cold if someone has hurt me deeply in the past. It's the same way I handle my mother's sudden kindness and wish to be friends. I refuse to let her back in after the years of abuse she subjected me to, as well as the rumor spreading and other stuff.

 

Therapy is a great suggestion. I spent years talking to a therapist who specializes in abuse and trauma. I made great progress with expressing difficult feelings appropriately and I stopped using marijuana to self medicate my PTSD. Not using weed anymore has caused many difficult truths to come to the surface. I've come to the conclusion that certain types of emotional damage is too deep and scarring to be resolved completely.

 

I must say that I greatly appreciate the caring responses. I don't feel judged or shamed for my feelings which is helpful.

 

I just spoke to my husband because he left his office to go for lunch. He said "I'm just going to keep showing you that I love you so much and I'm sorry for all the pain that has made you keep to yourself. I will do this for the next 30 years if that's what it takes."

 

I'm in a similar situation where my wife was not and now she is so I understand how difficult it can be to trust his behavior now let alone having had the experiences that you had in life.

 

 

Therapy...yeah, been there. If you know yourself and what you want then you'll find therapy of little to no help. The most help I got was one simple quote from my therapist who is a PHD "if people didn't change I wouldn't have a job" I used to think and still do to some degree that people (past 30) don't change.

 

 

I can say the following with absolute certainty...

Trust in his care and respect for you. Trust in the way he looks at you and makes you feel in return.

As far as being able to give in and be as you were before, it will take time.

That time will be decreased if he is consistent but you need to be open with him and tell him exactly as to why your stance is such.

 

 

If you love one another (honestly) then don't make big problems out of small problems.

 

 

As far as the rest of the world and you being affected but what you've seen just don't think about it. Sure it's a statistic, a pointer, a something that says hey look at what happens.

You'll find that the rest of the world may not be as loving as you and your husband may be or as honest.

 

 

Embrace what you have if it's mutual...it's rare!

[kalap]

Just wanted to update everyone on my marriage...

 

Our marriage has improved greatly because I have decided to let go of the anger, resentment and refusal to trust my husband. I have also become more vulnerable. A week after my last post in this thread, my husband and I had a long conversation and I cried in his arms. It was a relief to open up and allow my husband to comfort me.

 

I have accepted that treating my husband as if he was my adversary was going to lead to divorce. Love is a risk and nothing is guaranteed. Since I am married to a wonderful man, it only made sense to make the leap of faith and trust him completely. Letting go of all the anger and pain has made me a happier person. It is hard work to carry around such negative emotions all the time.

 

Instead of getting angry, I share the emotions that I use anger to hide. Telling my husband that I feel sad or hurt usually leads to a protective response from him as well as better behavior. When my husband does or says something I which I don't appreciate, I am very sweet when I share the reasons why I am upset. My husband no longer shuts down or acts stubborn when I am kindly sharing what is bothering me.

 

Every evening we cuddle when he comes home which is so relaxing. Sometimes it leads to foreplay and making love. My husband seems much happier and he is also far more receptive to my requests. He has told me that he looks forward to coming home every evening and he's pleased that I am being more affectionate and open.

 

 

 

 

That's really great!

[Bufo]

Betty

 

At some point you may wish to read a book called The Five Love Languages.

 

It teaches readers that everybody has his or her own set of priorities within the five catagories of giving and receiving love from an SO.

 

Google it and as I recall the test is online. I took it for myself and saw how my wife and I differ. And it also made me think about some prior serious relationships.

 

It was enlightening for me in a down period in my marriage

[RecentChange]

What a wonderful update Betty!

 

I never responded earlier, but I wasn't trying to judge you, or suggest that you did not have a great capacity to love. It's just that gaurding yourself, in my opinion closed you off from experiencing everything that the love between you and your husband has to offer. And you are correct that it comes down to volnerablilty - and a willingness to be volnerable.

 

So glad to hear the turn of events.

 

Me personally, I hesitate on taking risks - I tend to be cautious and calculated - but that also means I miss out on opportunities and adventures! It's a give and take. I wish I was courageous enough to take bigger risks, it's something I work on.

 

I wasn't saying I was better, or to judge you. But to encrourage you to open yourself to your husband, even of that meant a greater risk to yourself, a greater volnerablilty - because that can also lead to great rewards.

[BettyDraper]

Betty

 

At some point you may wish to read a book called The Five Love Languages.

 

It teaches readers that everybody has his or her own set of priorities within the five catagories of giving and receiving love from an SO.

 

Google it and as I recall the test is online. I took it for myself and saw how my wife and I differ. And it also made me think about some prior serious relationships.

 

It was enlightening for me in a down period in my marriage

 

Great suggestion! I have read that book before.

 

My husband's Love Language is Acts of Service followed by Quality Time. My Love Language is Touch as well as Words of Affirmation.

[BettyDraper]

What a wonderful update Betty!

 

I never responded earlier, but I wasn't trying to judge you, or suggest that you did not have a great capacity to love. It's just that gaurding yourself, in my opinion closed you off from experiencing everything that the love between you and your husband has to offer. And you are correct that it comes down to volnerablilty - and a willingness to be volnerable.

 

So glad to hear the turn of events.

 

Me personally, I hesitate on taking risks - I tend to be cautious and calculated - but that also means I miss out on opportunities and adventures! It's a give and take. I wish I was courageous enough to take bigger risks, it's something I work on.

 

I wasn't saying I was better, or to judge you. But to encrourage you to open yourself to your husband, even of that meant a greater risk to yourself, a greater volnerablilty - because that can also lead to great rewards.

 

The biggest and best risk I have ever taken is marrying my husband.

Thanks for explaining what you meant and I apologize for my misinterpretation.

[RecentChange]

it's easy to become defensive here - after all, many of us are sharing our deepest concerns, weaknesses, struggles, which we do not share with many others, that too is opening up to a volnerablilty!

 

Keep up the good work, just know there will be set backs, struggles, but in the end hopefully it will be two steps forward, and one step back.

 

I am going through a similar change in my own relationship - and it can be exciting and hopeful can't it?

 

Enjoy the journey.

[Liam1]

Just wanted to update everyone on my marriage...

 

Our marriage has improved greatly because I have decided to let go of the anger, resentment and refusal to trust my husband. I have also become more vulnerable. A week after my last post in this thread, my husband and I had a long conversation and I cried in his arms. It was a relief to open up and allow my husband to comfort me.

 

I have accepted that treating my husband as if he was my adversary was going to lead to divorce. Love is a risk and nothing is guaranteed. Since I am married to a wonderful man, it only made sense to make the leap of faith and trust him completely. Letting go of all the anger and pain has made me a happier person. It is hard work to carry around such negative emotions all the time.

 

Instead of getting angry, I share the emotions that I use anger to hide. Telling my husband that I feel sad or hurt usually leads to a protective response from him as well as better behavior. When my husband does or says something I which I don't appreciate, I am very sweet when I share the reasons why I am upset. My husband no longer shuts down or acts stubborn when I am kindly sharing what is bothering me.

 

Every evening we cuddle when he comes home which is so relaxing. Sometimes it leads to foreplay and making love. My husband seems much happier and he is also far more receptive to my requests. He has told me that he looks forward to coming home every evening and he's pleased that I am being more affectionate and open.

 

Betty:

 

I am relieved to hear that.

 

It can only help, even though I know it was easier said than done.

[BettyDraper]

Betty:

 

I am relieved to hear that.

 

It can only help, even though I know it was easier said than done.

 

Thanks! I have come to realize that under my anger is a deep and enduring sadness for all that I have been through in my life. Many years ago, I learned that showing vulnerability would lead to being hurt even more so I began to use anger to protect me from everyone.

 

Now I know that I don't need to do that in my marriage. I can share my grief and cry my tears in front of my husband. He will be the rock that I can lean on in a storm if I just allow him inside.

 

This is what marriage is is supposed to be about. I'm glad that I learned this before my coldness led to a divorce.

[Got it]

My husband recently asked me a question:

 

"Why don't you want me to love you?"

 

I was startled by this and asked him what he meant. My husband says that he thinks I ignore him and literally push him away when he tries to be affectionate or sexual. He pointed out that last week I only had sex with him once and I declined several times. My husband also mentioned that sometimes he says he loves me and I don't say it back for hours or days. He feels that I have difficulty accepting love.

 

I'm so embarrassed to hear all of these things from my husband but I'm also glad that he shared them with me. Normally, I have sex with my husband even though my libido has been erratic but last week I was struggling with PMS. I had sex with my husband on Saturday after our conversation. I enjoy affection but sometimes my husband's need for affection feels passionate yet overwhelming. He likes to sneak up behind me and kiss my neck. He also likes to grab my ass and pull me close for passionate kisses.

 

I don't see why my husband gets upset if I don't kiss him as soon as he comes home or he gets offended I don't lie in bed in cuddle with him at some point during the evening. I'm just an independent person and I don't need as much affection as my husband does. However, I realize that marriage is about two people and I can't just focus on whatever I want all the time.

 

Has anyone ever been told that they don't allow love to be shown to them? How did you get past that? I've always felt like I need to protect myself because I've been through many traumatic things in my life. My husband used to be the more reserved one and now it's me and I don't know why.

 

Well I think the question can be flipped around as well. Why doesn't he want to love you and accept/compromise how you want and need to express your feelings, self time, etc.? He is taking his needs and trumping yours with some good old guilt tripping wording. Nice.

 

In reality, I would reiterate what he has said, acknowledge his right to feel this way, express how I feel and ask for a compromise so that both partners are accepting and respecting the other person's needs and autonomy.

[Phoenician]

My wife is similar to you. She's very independent and doesn't generally need as much affection as I seem to need to be happy.

 

I don't know how long you've been married (we are almost 10 years/3 kids deep), but I've learned over time through discussions, sometimes heated, that it's not that she doesn't want those things so much as she has many other things on her mind than me.

 

I would compare my mind to a magic 8 ball... there's about 6 things possible in there when get home in the evening.. maybe a little thinking about work, as soon as I see my wife in pajamas I think of sex and want to grab her a@@, think about dinner, and how my fantasy team is doing.

 

In contrast I would compare her mind to to a massive bumper car arena. There's like 50 things going on, all bumping into each other with things getting stuck in corners and if you try to throw anything new in the middle of that, it's going to get crushed.

 

So... I come home from work, I see her in pajamas, my mind immediately goes to thought #2 out of the 6 possibilities. While at the same time, she's actively multi-tasking 8 different things. Thus, my a@@ grab or overall need for a little attention or acknowledgement would usually be met with what felt like I was being ignored. A lot of times, I felt like I was always at the bottom of her "list" of things that needed attended to. Which I specifically told her during our discussions. She swore I wasn't, but I explained why I felt that way and she acknowledged she could see why I might view it like that.

 

This may not be the same situation for you, but sounds like it is and sounds like you'd be receptive to talking about it.

 

We've personally worked through it, I can tell when she's "busy" and leave her alone. I also have always helped as much as I can with chores, kids, etc. I try to be helpful and remove things I can address from her list.

 

In return, she worked towards taking a minute or 2 here and there from the hectic addressing of lists to give me my time. Return my hello hug/kiss when i come home, give me a butt slap here and there, essentially bump me up from the bottom of her mind list. I don't need much, but when I felt like I was being ignored and not as important as making sure the laundry got into the dyer, that was when it was painful.

 

 

I am in similar position except that I am actually at the bottom of the list , even if I assist getting rid of some items , more will come with higher priority ...

[BettyDraper]

I am in similar position except that I am actually at the bottom of the list , even if I assist getting rid of some items , more will come with higher priority ...

 

Why do you think this has occurred?

 

Have you talked to your wife about your feelings?

[Bufo]

Betty

 

Please share the secret that caused your change in attitude between April and this month. Maybe you could get a patent, sell it and become rich!

 

You posts tell us what happened, but provide scant guidance as to why. I know you came to the realization that marriage wasn't a war of wills, but what caused that to happen? Many of us (hand raised here) have had marital difficulties past or present and would probably benefit from your experience.

 

Just one thing is really bothering me. Given the seemingly sudden about face, did you have to use CPR or those electric heart shocker paddle things on your H during or after the big conversation?

[BettyDraper]

Betty

 

Please share the secret that caused your change in attitude between April and this month. Maybe you could get a patent, sell it and become rich!

 

You posts tell us what happened, but provide scant guidance as to why. I know you came to the realization that marriage wasn't a war of wills, but what caused that to happen? Many of us (hand raised here) have had marital difficulties past or present and would probably benefit from your experience.

 

Just one thing is really bothering me. Given the seemingly sudden about face, did you have to use CPR or those electric heart shocker paddle things on your H during or after the big conversation?

 

There is no big secret. I started to write in my journal more often, read this thread more than once and took some time to think about what led me to that dark place. It wasn't only my husband; it was also the abuse I suffered as a child. I read the notes I made during my therapy sessions and thought about what I learned when I was in counseling.

 

I forced myself to adopt a more thankful attitude and focus on what my husband does well instead of bitterly holding on to his past mistakes. I thought about what kind of marriage I wanted and the way I was cheating myself out of happiness by pushing my husband away. I let go of all my anger and allowed my husband see the sadness that I had been taught to hide all my life. I was hit if I ever cried while I was being berated and insulted for small mistakes. I think my husband's kind and gentle responses help me heal as well.

 

This evening we had a little argument about climate control in the house. There's a heat wave where we live and my husband was being obstinate about refusing to turn on the air conditioner. After we agreed on how we were going to proceed, I grabbed my husband's hand as I walked on our treadmill. He gave me a kiss and I told him that I didn't want to fight. No defibrillators needed.