"Why don't you want me to love you?"

[BettyDraper]

Hum....

 

I get what you are saying, you have been so hurt by childhood, and other traumas, that you just can't open yourself up to the possibility of them again.

 

For me, and other people that have not been so traumatized - I RATHER be hurt by betrayal, than live my life protecting myself from the possible hurt.

 

I was once told a metaphor - Love is like a vessel. The more you fill it, the larger this vessel grows - [ie, the more you love, the larger your capacity for love.]

 

And conversely, the larger the vessel, the larger the capacity for sorrow, and pain when that love is lost (via betrayal, death what have you).

 

It takes courage to open yourself up to that kind of possible / eventual pain - (ALL relationships will end, be it divorce death etc).

 

I rather have a great big vessel, full of love, and all of the joy, contentment etc that come with trust and love.... knowing full well that will increase the amount of pain I very well may experience at some point.

 

I rather have that big vessel, with all of its risks - then a tiny one. A small vessel that has been closed off, and kept small, to limit any potential hurt (which also means limiting its capacity for love).

 

Death is a part of life that I am all too acquainted with. In my 30 odd years on this planet, I have lost 28 loved ones. Some of them died very young due to serious illness or being killed. Others died after long and painful battles with cancer.

 

My husband often thanks me for staying with him through his past difficulties. Random people open up to me and tell me their sad stories. I have worked in suicide prevention and I'm also an active volunteer in more than three organizations. If I had such a limited capacity for love, there is no way that I could give my time to help so many people or stay with my husband when many others would have walked away.

 

I am aware of my emotional damage but using an metaphor to illustrate that I cannot love as much as anyone else was not necessary. I would think that an "open vessel" like yourself would also have a greater gift for empathy.

[BettyDraper]

Believe me I know hard it is to trust and especially trust somebody of the opposite sex but every day I am happy I decided to stop being scared and completely trust my wife. If you let past abuse stop you from enjoying a good relationship then they win.

 

I'm glad that you get it.

 

I find it interesting that nobody has mentioned my disclosure of who my husband was before I closed off myself.

 

Doesn't it make sense to be wary of someone who was previously selfish and made the marriage harder than it had to be?

I can't be the only person who thinks this way. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. If I had an affair and my husband was nervous about trusting me again, I doubt that anyone would think he was so weird or unloving. My husband did not cheat on me but he was very cold, distant and only thought of himself.

 

I have asked my husband to attend marriage counseling but he thinks we can get through this ourselves. He thinks that all I need is time.

[Woggle]

It is a little different when you are struggling to trust the person who hurt you previously. My wife has never done anything to make me doubt her. If he is serious about making it up to you he should go to counseling but if you do want to stay with him then you should also give him a chance to earn back your trust and never try and punish for the actions of other men. Make it about what has happened between you and him.

[BettyDraper]

It is a little different when you are struggling to trust the person who hurt you previously. My wife has never done anything to make me doubt her. If he is serious about making it up to you he should go to counseling but if you do want to stay with him then you should also give him a chance to earn back your trust and never try and punish for the actions of other men. Make it about what has happened between you and him.

 

Yes..this advice makes complete sense.

[Dolfin80]

I don't know if my lack of trust is smart but it certainly feels wise. When people say things like "My wife would never cheat on me!" or "My husband would never hurt me!" I tend to think they are too naive to understand that everyone has a dark side to them. We never know anyone completely or what they are capable of.

 

I have direct experience of this. I dated a guy for 5 years, he found someone else, we separated. About 3 years later his mum called me at my workplace informing me he is in prison for 2 counts of armed robbery and he wants permission to call me (prisons require this). I took his call from prison - he said he has a confession to make - that during our 5 year relationship he was doing at least 3 serious armed robberies per year, he was addicted.

 

I had no idea he was doing this during our relationship ......lolz....

[BettyDraper]

I have direct experience of this. I dated a guy for 5 years, he found someone else, we separated. About 3 years later his mum called me at my workplace informing me he is in prison for 2 counts of armed robbery and he wants permission to call me (prisons require this). I took his call from prison - he said he has a confession to make - that during our 5 year relationship he was doing at least 3 serious armed robberies per year, he was addicted.

 

I had no idea he was doing this during our relationship ......lolz....

 

Wow...this is awful. So sorry. At least you dodged a bullet!

 

I could share so many war stories of the lies I've been told by men but I don't want this thread to turn into a man bashing session. My husband is the most honest man I have ever been with. It's not as if women are always morally pure angels either.

 

About two hours ago, I was lying in our second bedroom reading a book. My husband was in our master bedroom and he called me by my pet name. He wanted me to come to bed and cuddle with him until he fell asleep. I stay up later than my husband. "You're hiding and being cold again." I think that my husband points this out as a way to modify my behavior. He knows that I feel sad and guilty about hurting his feelings. One great aspect of our marriage is that we are very truthful about our emotions.

[Dolfin80]

Wow...this is awful. So sorry. At least you dodged a bullet!

 

I could share so many war stories of the lies I've been told by men but I don't want this thread to turn into a man bashing session. My husband is the most honest man I have ever been with. It's not as if women are always morally pure angels either.

 

About two hours ago, I was lying in our second bedroom reading a book. My husband was in our master bedroom and he called me by my pet name. He wanted me to come to bed and cuddle with him until he fell asleep. I stay up later than my husband. "You're hiding and being cold again." I think that my husband points this out as a way to modify my behavior. He knows that I feel sad and guilty about hurting his feelings. One great aspect of our marriage is that we are very truthful about our emotions.

 

Yep complete shock. I told my parents they were in complete shock too. This guy had a great paying job with a private surveying company too, so it was purely an adrenalin rush for him. This reminds me of the other poster here who just discovered that her husband had been recording her on the toilet, in the bathroom and bedroom for the past 20 years without her knowledge or consent.

[BettyDraper]

[]

 

Very angry with my husband today. He did a simple chore incorrectly yesterday and when I politely asked my husband to complete the chore properly, he snapped at me and told me that I didn't have to tell him twice.

I only told my husband twice because he often needs to be reminded more than once to do something. He has told me that he's very stubborn and has "authority issues." I don't see the "authority" in a spouse making a simple request at all.

 

Anyway, today he did the exact same thing that he snapped at me for asking him not to do. I was very angry but I managed to stay calm until he tried to deny that he did what I was upset about. That was when I raised my voice. I don't appreciate blatant lies or having my intelligence insulted. If I left a pen on the floor and my husband asked me why I did that, I am certainly not going to say "I didn't leave a pen on the floor" when it's there for both of us to see.

 

I told my husband that nonsense like this is exactly why I am cold and less sexual-I don't feel respected and I feel like he doesn't listen or follow through unless I am shouting about the same topic 4,236 times. I do not shout unless we have been over the same issue several times. He's a very educated and intelligent grown ass man FFS. I don't understand how someone can decipher very intricate theorems but he can't comprehend very simple things or do what he says he will. Sometimes I feel like I'm married to toddler who is going through the terrible twos.

 

Our arguments are never really about the task at hand. When we look at them carefully, they are truly about the way I feel disrespected by my husband's actions both past and present. I feel like I can't trust him since he can't even complete tasks without being prodded. My husband also has difficulty understanding social cues and why certain behaviors are unromantic or otherwise inappropriate. I really think he has mild Asperger's but of course we won't know that for sure since he refuses to see a psychiatrist. My husband told me today that he will see a professional but I'm sure that won't really be happening unless I ask 409,238 times and make the appointment myself. I've only been asking for over 5 years! What's another year?! Ugh...

Edited April 6, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Off topic content and comments about moderation redacted

[kendahke]

My trust has been betrayed - and yet I trust again. I choose to trust, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where I could not let go and trust.

 

Again....perhaps it is because the betrayal was in the form of cheating, nor mental or physical abuse (I will not tolerate those under any circumstance).

 

I equate it to the whole "rather love and lost, than never loved at all"

 

I don't see how you could allow your husband to love you completely, or how you could love him back, with affection (and volnerablilty) if you can not trust him with your heart.

 

I agree wholeheartedly.

 

6 years ago, I was with my ex for 13 years and it ended when I discovered he'd been cheating on me for about 6 months. It's like it all came tumbling out over the course of a weekend. Needless to say, I was devastated by the depth of his treachery--and all the while, he was looking me in my face, telling me how much he loved me, what kind of wonderful future we were going to have with one another, blah blah effin' blah. To say, 6 years ago, that I would never trust anyone else would have been an understatement. I loathed all human beings--men and women alike--and felt every last one of them deserved my contempt and distrust.

 

It took me a while to climb out of that mindset because I was insulted by the fact that the pain that was inflicted upon me was so unnecessary--all he had to do was speak up and speak the truth at any point. I knew he had a selfish streak, but I was amazed at just how strong it actually was. Would I have been upset? Sure, but at least I would have been able to still respect him--and I think that's what made the whole thing hard. I don't like to lose respect for people because for me it's necessary for me to love them, but sometimes, you just got to kick respect to the curb with the rubbish.

 

I'm now in a place where I'm cool with opening myself back up to a new man--and sure, I could get kicked in the teeth all over again, but I'd rather take that risk and be proven wrong than to not take that risk and never know deep intimacy again. I can't fathom living a life skimming the surface or only swimming in the shallow end just to be safe, not at my age. My new man doesn't give me any reason to not open myself up to him and you can best believe that if I felt I got more out holding on to past hurts and disappointments than letting that go and moving forward, I seriously doubt he would even be in my life--as that's not the energy I wish to either send out or attract.

[Ladyjane14]

My husband recently asked me a question:

 

"Why don't you want me to love you?"

 

I was startled by this and asked him what he meant. My husband says that he thinks I ignore him and literally push him away when he tries to be affectionate or sexual. He pointed out that last week I only had sex with him once and I declined several times. My husband also mentioned that sometimes he says he loves me and I don't say it back for hours or days. He feels that I have difficulty accepting love.

 

I'm so embarrassed to hear all of these things from my husband but I'm also glad that he shared them with me. Normally, I have sex with my husband even though my libido has been erratic but last week I was struggling with PMS. I had sex with my husband on Saturday after our conversation. I enjoy affection but sometimes my husband's need for affection feels passionate yet overwhelming. He likes to sneak up behind me and kiss my neck. He also likes to grab my ass and pull me close for passionate kisses.

 

I don't see why my husband gets upset if I don't kiss him as soon as he comes home or he gets offended I don't lie in bed in cuddle with him at some point during the evening. I'm just an independent person and I don't need as much affection as my husband does. However, I realize that marriage is about two people and I can't just focus on whatever I want all the time.

 

Has anyone ever been told that they don't allow love to be shown to them? How did you get past that? I've always felt like I need to protect myself because I've been through many traumatic things in my life. My husband used to be the more reserved one and now it's me and I don't know why.

 

I think the thing to remember, Betty, is that you get the same thing from good sex and physical affection that he does. It might take a little longer for the engine to get started sometimes, but the hormones and adrenals create bonding. Once that happens, the little perception battles you describe later on in the thread are less damaging because you're both more open to each other's feelings and more willing to bend.

[BettyDraper]

I think the thing to remember, Betty, is that you get the same thing from good sex and physical affection that he does. It might take a little longer for the engine to get started sometimes, but the hormones and adrenals create bonding. Once that happens, the little perception battles you describe later on in the thread are less damaging because you're both more open to each other's feelings and more willing to bend.

 

You're absolutely right. I need to remember that my husband wants and needs to bond with me more than I need it from him. Bonding is vital to a marriage.

 

He likes to make up quickly after arguments so we cuddled as we normally do this evening. This time, I didn't wait so long that my husband felt the need to ask for affection or point out that I was being cold.

[xxoo]

When your resentment builds, you become more distant and less loving.

 

When his resentment builds, he becomes less likely to do the small tasks that you want him to do.

 

My husband is another with "authority" issues. Early in our marriage, he once blurted out in an argument about whatever thing I wanted him to do, "It has to be my idea!" It as like an AHA! moment for me. It took me a few more years to figure out how to work with someone so darned stubborn, but we have worked it out and things get managed well now. It's a two way street, and you can change the direction with your own actions (stepping out of the power struggles).

 

I still tease him about that comment from years back. Just last night, he was commenting on my still unpacked bag from our trip last week, and I said, "It has to be my idea!"

[BettyDraper]

When your resentment builds, you become more distant and less loving.

 

When his resentment builds, he becomes less likely to do the small tasks that you want him to do.

 

My husband is another with "authority" issues. Early in our marriage, he once blurted out in an argument about whatever thing I wanted him to do, "It has to be my idea!" It as like an AHA! moment for me. It took me a few more years to figure out how to work with someone so darned stubborn, but we have worked it out and things get managed well now. It's a two way street, and you can change the direction with your own actions (stepping out of the power struggles).

 

I still tease him about that comment from years back. Just last night, he was commenting on my still unpacked bag from our trip last week, and I said, "It has to be my idea!"

 

Maybe I'm missing something but I can't see the "authority" in requesting that my husband do something. I would understand if he had a problem with demands or orders to complete a task. It's usually something that I can't do myself or infrequent requests to do something differently. I don't like anyone ordering me around so I don't do that to my husband. It's disrespectful to demand that your partner fulfill your wishes.

 

My husband has told me that his main issues are procrastination, stubbornness and "authority problems." He didn't mention resentment but maybe he's hiding that from me? I am stubborn too but if I know that I have no intention of completing a task, I am not going to tell my husband that I'm going to do it because that's ridiculous and unfair.

 

I don't like shouting and getting very upset. It's not a productive way to communicate and it aggravates my asthma and leads to tiredness. My husband knows that if I am shouting at him, I must be extremely frustrated from trying to get his attention in nicer ways. This is because I rarely raise my voice at my husband.

[Cablebandit]

why did you MARRY this man? Why would you marry anyone if you can't fully trust? Until you get this trust issue sorted, you are missing what a good marriage is all about. I do not know how you should resolve this but I suspect it will take counseling. You aren't working as a team towards a common goal. It seems like you treat him as a friendly adversary.

[xxoo]

Maybe I'm missing something but I can't see the "authority" in requesting that my husband do something. I would understand if he had a problem with demands or orders to complete a task. It's usually something that I can't do myself or infrequent requests to do something differently. I don't like anyone ordering me around so I don't do that to my husband. It's disrespectful to demand that your partner fulfill your wishes.

 

It's about how he perceives it, not how you perceive it. You can no better understand his recoil from control than he can understand your recoil from affection.

 

Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy? Instead of telling you why you are wrong, would you rather your husband accept you as you are?

 

My husband has told me that his main issues are procrastination, stubbornness and "authority problems." He didn't mention resentment but maybe he's hiding that from me? I am stubborn too but if I know that I have no intention of completing a task, I am not going to tell my husband that I'm going to do it because that's ridiculous and unfair.

 

I don't like shouting and getting very upset. It's not a productive way to communicate and it aggravates my asthma and leads to tiredness. My husband knows that if I am shouting at him, I must be extremely frustrated from trying to get his attention in nicer ways. This is because I rarely raise my voice at my husband.

 

The more our needs are met, the more loving we feel, and the more motivated we are to please. The more resentment, the more we feel the opposite.

 

I still shout sometimes, but that's more about me than him. He (or the kids) can't make me shout. That's me having a tantrum, and when I control myself, I do know better and more effective ways to work with these stubborn people.

[privategal]

My husband recently asked me a question:

 

"Why don't you want me to love you?"

 

I was startled by this and asked him what he meant. My husband says that he thinks I ignore him and literally push him away when he tries to be affectionate or sexual. He pointed out that last week I only had sex with him once and I declined several times. My husband also mentioned that sometimes he says he loves me and I don't say it back for hours or days. He feels that I have difficulty accepting love.

 

I'm so embarrassed to hear all of these things from my husband but I'm also glad that he shared them with me. Normally, I have sex with my husband even though my libido has been erratic but last week I was struggling with PMS. I had sex with my husband on Saturday after our conversation. I enjoy affection but sometimes my husband's need for affection feels passionate yet overwhelming. He likes to sneak up behind me and kiss my neck. He also likes to grab my ass and pull me close for passionate kisses.

 

I don't see why my husband gets upset if I don't kiss him as soon as he comes home or he gets offended I don't lie in bed in cuddle with him at some point during the evening. I'm just an independent person and I don't need as much affection as my husband does. However, I realize that marriage is about two people and I can't just focus on whatever I want all the time.

 

Has anyone ever been told that they don't allow love to be shown to them? How did you get past that? I've always felt like I need to protect myself because I've been through many traumatic things in my life. My husband used to be the more reserved one and now it's me and I don't know why.

 

What a COOL conversation though! This is in my eyes a really healthy marriage as you both know and see what you want and need. Id keep that convo open, its awesome he brought it up to you...many men keep it inside not sure how to approach it but he trusts you.

How awesome he WANTS to love you WOW!!

Tell him more about these walls from past trauma. Explain hormones and pms. And you dont need radical changes...Id just come a little more to his side and up your romance game a bit.

Hes simple and is an open book...a little more sex, more I love you's and some cuddling and hes happy as a clam! Your husband sounds really sweet and Im so thankful instead of stepping out like lots of MM do to get the sex and passion they crave....he came to you, was vulnerable and only wants YOUR LOVE!! So beautiful! Awwweee!!!

Treasure that marriage!

[elaine567]

I feel you are stuck in a marriage with a man you basically do not love, due to his past behaviour towards you when you opened up your heart to him at the start of your marriage. YOU haven't forgotten that, nor will you.

YOU find it difficult to get over that rejection and no matter how much you may want to for the sake of your marriage, your gut instinct is one of revulsion and anger towards him. YOU keep it all hidden but inside you are seething and resentful and just a little sad too.

People who have treated you badly do not deserve kisses, cuddles and sex, do they? NO matter how "nice" they are to you now.

His "authority" is another factor here and so his "love" you see is just another manifestation of his control over you, and you do not like it.

He doesn't listen to you, hence the need for you to say things 4000x, and he is not listening now either, he is in fact steam-rolling you with "affection", your opinion doesn't really matter.

"My God woman I am going to love you, kiss you and cuddle you and have sex with you whether you want it or not..."

YOU comply as that is what wives are supposed to do, not because you truly want to.

 

It is all on the surface "benign" and "sweet", who wouldn't want a husband like that?

BUT...

[BettyDraper]

It's about how he perceives it, not how you perceive it. You can no better understand his recoil from control than he can understand your recoil from affection.

 

Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy? Instead of telling you why you are wrong, would you rather your husband accept you as you are?

 

 

 

The more our needs are met, the more loving we feel, and the more motivated we are to please. The more resentment, the more we feel the opposite.

 

I still shout sometimes, but that's more about me than him. He (or the kids) can't make me shout. That's me having a tantrum, and when I control myself, I do know better and more effective ways to work with these stubborn people.

 

I didn't say that my husband makes me shout. I am aware that I choose to shout as a response to my frustration.

 

As for being "right or happy", I like to be happy but I don't know how to do so with someone who insists on doing the same things repeatedly. My therapist has told me that I need to be honest about my feelings. I share my feelings but my husband just says "Okay, I'll stop doing that" and then does the same goddamn thing next week. I can't. I just detach to keep myself from reacting.

[BettyDraper]

I feel you are stuck in a marriage with a man you basically do not love, due to his past behaviour towards you when you opened up your heart to him at the start of your marriage. YOU haven't forgotten that, nor will you.

YOU find it difficult to get over that rejection and no matter how much you may want to for the sake of your marriage, your gut instinct is one of revulsion and anger towards him. YOU keep it all hidden but inside you are seething and resentful and just a little sad too.

People who have treated you badly do not deserve kisses, cuddles and sex, do they? NO matter how "nice" they are to you now.

His "authority" is another factor here and so his "love" you see is just another manifestation of his control over you, and you do not like it.

He doesn't listen to you, hence the need for you to say things 4000x, and he is not listening now either, he is in fact steam-rolling you with "affection", your opinion doesn't really matter.

"My God woman I am going to love you, kiss you and cuddle you and have sex with you whether you want it or not..."

YOU comply as that is what wives are supposed to do, not because you truly want to.

 

It is all on the surface "benign" and "sweet", who wouldn't want a husband like that?

BUT...

 

Thank you so much for understanding. This is exactly how I feel.

I'm not some cold and untrusting harpy. I just need to protect myself.

There is still love but it is buried under resentment and anger.

 

I have seen a therapist myself and asked my husband to see a marriage counselor with me to no avail.

 

I'm thinking of going to stay with my brother for a few days. I need time away to think about my life. I've been talking to my husband about this option and he is against it. However, I notice that my husband is the kind of person who does not make changes unless drastic consequences happen. Drastic means shouting or even getting loved ones involved since my words fall on deaf ears.

 

I don't like to involve family in my marriage so I have only called my parents once. Despite the fact that my mother and I are not close, she was actually very supportive the day I called her in tears because it took my husband over 8 months to do something he said he would.

[BettyDraper]

What a COOL conversation though! This is in my eyes a really healthy marriage as you both know and see what you want and need. Id keep that convo open, its awesome he brought it up to you...many men keep it inside not sure how to approach it but he trusts you.

How awesome he WANTS to love you WOW!!

Tell him more about these walls from past trauma. Explain hormones and pms. And you dont need radical changes...Id just come a little more to his side and up your romance game a bit.

Hes simple and is an open book...a little more sex, more I love you's and some cuddling and hes happy as a clam! Your husband sounds really sweet and Im so thankful instead of stepping out like lots of MM do to get the sex and passion they crave....he came to you, was vulnerable and only wants YOUR LOVE!! So beautiful! Awwweee!!!

Treasure that marriage!

 

Yeah....I don't think more sex or affection will fix my side of the issues we have. To be honest, I am sick and tired of giving to someone who doesn't give two craps what I say. The only reason I give perfunctory kisses and sex is because I don't want to be cheated on-just like you pointed out.

 

I can appreciate that he wants to be sweet now but it took a long time for him to get this way.

 

Reading over this thread, it's disheartening that most of the women appear to have taken my husband's needs into consideration over what I have shared. This could be because women are conditioned to please others to the exclusion of our own happiness.

 

I'm going to go lie down. I went to bed in the wee hours of the morning and I woke up after 5 hours of sleep.

[xxoo]

I didn't say that my husband makes me shout. I am aware that I choose to shout as a response to my frustration.

 

As for being "right or happy", I like to be happy but I don't know how to do so with someone who insists on doing the same things repeatedly. My therapist has told me that I need to be honest about my feelings. I share my feelings but my husband just says "Okay, I'll stop doing that" and then does the same goddamn thing next week. I can't. I just detach to keep myself from reacting.

 

I don't know how serious these things are. Are we talking about loading the dishwasher the wrong way, or we talking about disrespecting you to his family?

 

I've overlooked a LOT of stuff the level of loading the dishwasher wrong. I've chosen to just Let It Go. And I recognize that he also lets things go...daily, in fact...and chooses not to even ask me to change what I'm doing.

[BettyDraper]

I don't know how serious these things are. Are we talking about loading the dishwasher the wrong way, or we talking about disrespecting you to his family?

 

I've overlooked a LOT of stuff the level of loading the dishwasher wrong. I've chosen to just Let It Go. And I recognize that he also lets things go...daily, in fact...and chooses not to even ask me to change what I'm doing.

 

Oh no...I wouldn't be this resentful over small things like that.

I'm talking about a constant problem with disregarding my feelings and being gruff whenever I am showing vulnerability. There's been a lot of rudeness when I express hurt feelings or try to get my husband to converse with me. Not doing chores when he says he will is just a symptom of the disrespect.

 

I can't go stay with my brother because he is going through his own hard time with unemployment and I don't want to burden him with my comparatively petty issues. In fact, I feel the need to help my brother financially just now because he has always been there for me when I was on my face.

[Cablebandit]

I would love to hear his side of this. Any chance he would post?

[BettyDraper]

I would love to hear his side of this. Any chance he would post?

 

I will ask but I'm guessing the answer would be no. He doesn't like forums and doesn't understand what I get out of them. My husband is a very introverted and private man who keeps to himself.

 

To be honest, I can see why you would want to hear my husband's side of this issue. On LS, we are only getting one piece of the puzzle whenever someone shares their problems.

 

With that being said, based on your last post it appears that your opinion is I am to blame for marrying my husband with trust issues and not treating him properly. I assumed my rampant trust issues would go away with time and I've gotten tired of giving of myself for the good of our marriage. Like I mentioned before, I do those things because I am my husband's only acceptable outlet for sex and affection. Not being cuddly and sexual just because I "don't feel like it" isn't really fair.

 

The past two weeks have been hard. My husband was sick and now I'm coming down with the same bad cold. I am exhausted as well as hormonal so I haven't been exercising. I've been craving crappy food. I'm sure all of those factors are playing a role in why I have been colder as usual on top of the emotional stuff.

[Liam1]

 

I am aware of my emotional damage but using an metaphor to illustrate that I cannot love as much as anyone else was not necessary. I would think that an "open vessel" like yourself would also have a greater gift for empathy.

 

 

Betty

 

Why become so defensive? Recent change is just offering her perspective. She already acknowledged that your situation is different in many ways.

 

Still, why not be open the wisdom she is sharing with you. She obviously wants to help. Not harm.

 

Take from it what works and disregard what you feel can not work for you.

 

I don't think Recent Changes advice is a mandate, it's just another person sharing their perspective so you can look at the situation from a multi-dimensional aspect.

 

Who knows, maybe if you imbue bits and pieces of her way of seeing things into your life, it may help.