longjohn Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 Alright it's been two years with this woman and I can't help but feel things are sliding downhill and I can't seem to stop it. It feels like my last long term relationship all over again. Part of me is a bit of a wanker and says *** it, her and all of this. Pull out find another woman. Part of me says I should stop that and figure out what's going wrong or the next one does the same. Sex has dried up, I regularly get the "bitch face" and I feel like no matter how hard I try sometimes she's not interested. Then out of no where she seems interested again right around the time she'll notice I'm really pissed at her. Pissed because I'm trying to be nice then getting rejected, then being called an arse for being an arse? I'm stuck in a loop here and last relationship I was in this loop ended in being single. I've tried talking about this and things are fine for a week then back to this ****e. A bigger part of me than ever before thinks cut to the end and dump her now or wait a x number of months for it to died anyway. One of the big (no pun intended lol) issues we have is her weight. After we got together properly all that working out and healthy eating stopped a few months in and never resumed. She's gained significant weight. She says it's only Xkg and I say (in my head) you're fulla ****e woman. Its's enough now to where my desire to have sex is dead. I even feel embarrassed to be with her in public. I'm normally with ladies of a nicer more normal shape. She's starting to get round and that isn't even remotely close to the body type I'm interested in. One of the people at her job asked if she was pregnant.. no she's just got a fat gut. Her mother and sister are both the same only far bigger. We've talked about it in the past, fought about it yet she's almost indifferent about it? She'd rather eat (I suspect) junk food for breakfast and lunch (dinner too if she didn't come home) vs anything healthy. On the other hand I've been working out a lot and eating ***in vegetables, chicken, fish etc for the past while now. I do get noticed at the gym, at work and when out and about. Which I have to say is very flattering I'd rather my current gf got her act together. I can't seem to get her to understand that. I know one of the things that does annoy her about me is I make significantly more than she does. She seems jealous about it. She feel's she should make more and she should she's smart and got her degree however she refuses to leave her dead end job whereas I jumped ship the second I figured out my last job was dead end and landed in a position that made a decent percentage more than previously. 1
Emilia Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 What is your question? I'm assuming it isn't 'Women WTF?' 7
Lorenza Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 Ever thought she doesn't want sex cause she senses you find her body repulsive? Let her go. There's no love or respect for her in your post and you're even ashamed of her. She can eat whatever the heck she wants and doesn't owe you a certain body type just so that you keep your interest. You didn't even clarify why you think she's jealous of your earning so the only issue I see here is that you don't have much feelings left for her and everything about her annoys you. Time to part. 16
basil67 Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 Longjohn, it's not wanky to end a relationship which is no longer meeting your needs. It's entirely sensible and you probably should have done it long ago. 4
ExpatInItaly Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 Just let her go. You're clearly not invested anymore. 5
smackie9 Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 Well it just turns out the relationship has run it's course. I believe she is struggling with trying to breakup too. Nothing wrong with ending a relationship, we all had to do it. It's not the most pleasant thing to do but the healthiest. Hope you find someone more suitable, best of luck. 1
oldshirt Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 The very purpose of dating in the first place is to do things with some to get to know them so you can determine if they are the one you want to marry, have a home and family with and spend your life with. Think of it as and interview and tryout/probationary period for the position of life-partner and coparent of your future children. It is a noncommitted probationary period where either party can end the probationary period with prejudice or repurcussion ( that doesn't mean there won't be disappointed or tears) Once you know that person isn't the one you want to hold that position, you are not only in the right to end the dating process, you are somewhat morally and ethically obligated to do so so that each party can move on to find the right match for them and so that things don't degrade into a state of contempt, bitterness, chronic anxiety etc etc 2
blackcat777 Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 In terms of lifestyle, you two seem very incompatible... might be best to find someone more on the same page. I'm a whole-foodsing-cook-from-scratch-everything-organic-nutjob. My boyfriend loves to run and hit the gym. He's voluntarily chosen to eat better since we met, and he inspires me to do more cardio (awww... yoga isn't cardio ). Our personal proclivities are different, but at the end of the day, we both have an interest in our health, and want to stay healthy together. I just. couldn't. date. a person who ate fast food every day and never exercised. I would worry about their health. I'd imagine, over time, what I'd want to do when I'm 60 would be very different from the results of a sedentary/junk food lifestyle and what a person COULD do at 60. When thinking about life partners, this is a huge deal to me! Maybe it's selfish that I don't want to lose my partner prematurely due to chronic illness. I'm not saying I'd leave someone if they fell ill, but I feel like I'd be shooting myself in the foot if I signed a marriage certificate with someone who boldly plays a risky hand. I watched my stepmom (who was more like my real mom) die of cancer, and I'm sure that played a huge role in starting my health kick. Nobody likes to be nagged. I don't like to hear my dad, "Blah blah blah! Your organic eggs cost more than my mortgage!" And I'm certain people don't like to be nagged about weight, either. Nobody likes to be told anything about personal choices regarding their mind/body/spirit; change can only be inspired. I don't like getting religious flyers stuffed in my door. If wellness is important to you and it isn't at all to a partner, it's just probably not a good match. That isn't to say both of you aren't lovely people or that anyone is wrong. Part of a life together with someone means interlocking lifestyles, it's unavoidable... So what kind of lifestyles can you live with comfortably? If the sex has dried up, it does sound like you are at an impasse and need to make a choice. 3
kismetkismet Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 This relationship seems pretty dead to me.. devoid of any respect or affection from what I can see. What blackcat777 said is true.. You can't nag someone into caring about their figure/health/wellness, and even if you COULD they'd likely resent you for it. Plus the nagging would signal major lack of attraction to her which is a MASSIVE turn off for women. The way you phrase it is insensitive and rude (no need for the fat gut insults etc..) your lack of respect for her is hard to read. However.. I don't really think that it's fair to suddenly completely stop taking care of oneself once you get into a relationship.. There are usually some changes particularly in the beginning when you're going out for dinner all the time and taking up each others time that might normally be spent at the gym, but to change habits entirely doesn't really fly. putting on a few lbs is different than completely changing your figure. You don't have to be such a raging jerk about it, but it's fair to accept that you're not in love with or attracted to her anymore and move on. 3
preraph Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 You have no love for this woman. You are only interested in the body. Please do her a big favor and just get out now. If I got one little whiff someone thought that way about me, I'd never speak to them again. 5
joseb Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 This is over. Break up already. Stop dragging it out. You have a long history of posting about her, and how she is wrong for you and you can do better. You don't love her, and you don't respect her. Time to pull the trigger. What's stopping you? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/552671-gf-you-only-want-sex http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/564027-gf-got-fat-s-critical-issue http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/532055-breakup-stay http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/569954-gf-jealous-times-upset-i-m-buying-new-house 3
angel.eyes Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 Why are you dating her? Either you're a martyr or you have no other options. Regardless, neither is an acceptable reason to sit around making each other miserable. Let go and move on already.
Author longjohn Posted April 19, 2016 Author Posted April 19, 2016 My intention wasn't to come across as disrespectful of my gf as a person. She's a very nice, sweet person. She extremely intelligent which makes part of this a contradiction in my mind. I was just really frustrated at the time of the post. Maybe your all correct in that we should just go our own ways. I do care about this lady and I suppose in a way don't want to say it's over because you got fat.. but the truth is that's what it is isn't it? She told me her her ex of 2 years did the same thing. Broke up with her because she got big. Then she got really small in the year or so after they broke up and we met now back to big and she's not understanding why there's issues. My issue is I was sold one thing then delivered another and I want what I got at the start? I sat her down and told her as best I could without sounding shallow that men typically like ladies that are a certain size (I don't mean really thin ladies) and tend to stay away from ones that are on the obese to extreme obese side. I'll be honest she's on the obese side right now heading straight for majorly obese. She said she thought that her size wouldn't matter and I should like her for her. To which I had to respond with the truth and tell her not to ever be that nieve. Relationships take work, effort. For example if I decided to leave my job and stay home play computer games all day. I'd expect her to leave me. To which she tried to tell me she'd stay and she'd still want to be with me. I had to disagree and state the fact she often complains about her friend who's with a guy that stays home claiming unemployment playing computer games all day. The only thing he brings to that relationship is misery and stress. She's agreed in the past many times if that was her she'd leave. I hated to use her mother as an example but her mother is on the extreme obese end of the scale. She needs a walker to get around. I told her that's her future if she didn't get diet and exercise under control. To which she got as I expected very upset. I compared it to my own parents and explained I'm not trying to hurt her or be an arse. I told her if I kept smoking like they did I'd end up on O2 like they were. Gasping for air and never catching a breath. I didn't want to suffocate to death in my 60's because I couldn't control my urge to smoke. So I took control of it and stopped smoking. I think of over eating in the very same category and explained I didn't tend to date smokers. I wouldn't date someone that's on drugs to get high all the time. I explained that I would stay and support her but she had to want to do it. Now I'll see if she'll follow through. If not then I'll be left with no choice but to leave.
elaine567 Posted April 19, 2016 Posted April 19, 2016 Her mother and sister are both the same only far bigger. I guess, she is on a losing battle here and as you "love" depends on her being a certain shape and size then so are you. You ARE shallow, and using the health card here is a bit manipulative as all you want is a thin sexual partner. Forget the fact she is extremely intelligent, kind, nice and sweet and that combination may be difficult to find again, you are hell bent on getting rid of her due to sex... Stop upsetting her with ultimatums and unkind words, let her go find someone who does truly love her.
giblesp Posted April 19, 2016 Posted April 19, 2016 You have no love for this woman. You are only interested in the body. Please do her a big favor and just get out now. If I got one little whiff someone thought that way about me, I'd never speak to them again. Shes not looking after herself though, physically and emotionally. If someone eats junk food and doesn't exercise, they are less attractive then someone who keeps themselves healthy. How is she showing him love if she doesn't look after herself? 2
giblesp Posted April 19, 2016 Posted April 19, 2016 My intention wasn't to come across as disrespectful of my gf as a person. She's a very nice, sweet person. She extremely intelligent which makes part of this a contradiction in my mind. I was just really frustrated at the time of the post. Maybe your all correct in that we should just go our own ways. I do care about this lady and I suppose in a way don't want to say it's over because you got fat.. but the truth is that's what it is isn't it? She told me her her ex of 2 years did the same thing. Broke up with her because she got big. Then she got really small in the year or so after they broke up and we met now back to big and she's not understanding why there's issues. My issue is I was sold one thing then delivered another and I want what I got at the start? I sat her down and told her as best I could without sounding shallow that men typically like ladies that are a certain size (I don't mean really thin ladies) and tend to stay away from ones that are on the obese to extreme obese side. I'll be honest she's on the obese side right now heading straight for majorly obese. She said she thought that her size wouldn't matter and I should like her for her. To which I had to respond with the truth and tell her not to ever be that nieve. Relationships take work, effort. For example if I decided to leave my job and stay home play computer games all day. I'd expect her to leave me. To which she tried to tell me she'd stay and she'd still want to be with me. I had to disagree and state the fact she often complains about her friend who's with a guy that stays home claiming unemployment playing computer games all day. The only thing he brings to that relationship is misery and stress. She's agreed in the past many times if that was her she'd leave. I hated to use her mother as an example but her mother is on the extreme obese end of the scale. She needs a walker to get around. I told her that's her future if she didn't get diet and exercise under control. To which she got as I expected very upset. I compared it to my own parents and explained I'm not trying to hurt her or be an arse. I told her if I kept smoking like they did I'd end up on O2 like they were. Gasping for air and never catching a breath. I didn't want to suffocate to death in my 60's because I couldn't control my urge to smoke. So I took control of it and stopped smoking. I think of over eating in the very same category and explained I didn't tend to date smokers. I wouldn't date someone that's on drugs to get high all the time. I explained that I would stay and support her but she had to want to do it. Now I'll see if she'll follow through. If not then I'll be left with no choice but to leave. Don't focus on the weight aspect when talking to her, women are under so much media pressure to be as skinny as possible that its become a big problem, and she'll react to it in a way that might make it worse. Encourage her to be healthy, lead by example. Are you looking after your health, watching what you eat and exercising regularly? Take her along to the gym, or for long walks on a sunday morning. Introduce her to the joys of being fit and healthy. That could help save your relationship, at the very least she'll feel good.
stillafool Posted April 19, 2016 Posted April 19, 2016 I sat her down and told her as best I could without sounding shallow that men typically like ladies that are a certain size (I don't mean really thin ladies) and tend to stay away from ones that are on the obese to extreme obese side. I'll be honest she's on the obese side right now heading straight for majorly obese. She said she thought that her size wouldn't matter and I should like her for her. To which I had to respond with the truth and tell her not to ever be that nieve. Um, speak for yourself not all men. Some men are attracted to fat and even obese women. Just leave this woman already and stay single. 2
stillafool Posted April 19, 2016 Posted April 19, 2016 Don't focus on the weight aspect when talking to her, women are under so much media pressure to be as skinny as possible that its become a big problem, and she'll react to it in a way that might make it worse. . Why do women let people they don't even know put them under pressure? This is insane.
frus69 Posted April 19, 2016 Posted April 19, 2016 Why people here attack OP for not being attracted to fat women? What's wrong with liking a certain body type? We all have preferences, we all shallow. 1
dreamingoftigers Posted April 19, 2016 Posted April 19, 2016 Why do women let people they don't even know put them under pressure? This is insane. So many many times it isn't just limited to "people we don't know." I find media to be an extension of virtually everyone's expectation on women to be thin. I'll be frank, many are men who are very quick to judge and compare their partner to other women. I think the vast majority of women go through the "test and measure" from parents and later partners. My parents sure did it, and some of my partners sure did it. My husband has gained almost 50 lbs since slipping a disc. I am nine months pregnant with a big baby. I still have more of a reaction to my "figure" than he does. 3
stillafool Posted April 19, 2016 Posted April 19, 2016 My husband has gained almost 50 lbs since slipping a disc. I am nine months pregnant with a big baby. I still have more of a reaction to my "figure" than he does. It's just not fair!
dreamingoftigers Posted April 19, 2016 Posted April 19, 2016 It's just not fair! Him and I are more or less fine with things. It may sound oddly hypocritical, but I am more concerned with his health than mine. His mother died at 41 rather suddenly, and he's 38. I can't imagine addressing him in the same manor as the OP addresses his gf though. Like he "bought this product from the store and it turns out it was Made in China" or some such thing. Of course others have noticed significant weight gain on both of our behalf. Unfortunately my last pregnancy wrecked my figure so significantly that my current one (plus odd shape of my uterus, causing a breech baby) makes it look 'questionable' as to whether I'm pregnant, or just got really fat around the gut. I think it looks weird anyway. I can tell it's pretty off-putting. The baby sits so high up that it kind of looks like "beer gut." That's the best I can explain it. Plus, when I'm with my husband, I am still thinner-looking then him, so it just sort of looks like we have a similar lifestyle (which we do, I'll be honest). So when I tell anyone I'm pregnant, he often jokes "so am I." My daughter asked him if he's pregnant. We've told people things like "we are both having deliveries, but his is a pizza." Sigh. Post-baby, we've both committed to cooking more at home, exercising etc. I DO KNOW that getting on him about it, nagging him or vice-versa, him nagging me or making me feel "less than all of these other hot people" would be the number one way to ensure NOTHING changed. My mother was a rather svelte woman in her youth, but her last bf before my father felt she wasn't as thin as his last gf, and would pressure her to lose weight. (My mother was ridiculously thin already, I outgrew her "fat pants" by the time I was 12.) So, when her bf was around she would really try to limit her intake. Then when he wasn't, she would eat Dairy Queen as her conflict-avoidant rebellion. My father came along when her and her bf had been together for 3 years. Now, I don't say this as a great way to start things: but basically my Dad told her she was super-beautiful and that this bf needed to get lost. She didn't want to do it, so he did. I think if some dude told his gf that she's beautiful and that he accepts her, weight and all: there's a decent chance she would jump ship. We all get frustrated with our partners, sometimes REALLY frustrated. Sometimes we even internally think, "what the heck, where did this nutty partner come from? Why do we have to save the completely useless six year-old Star Choice receiver? Why? Why?" But when we start that shift to: "my partner just sucks, I 'love' them but who they are makes me a type of victim being held against my will in this relationship" you are kind of screwed. 2
elaine567 Posted April 19, 2016 Posted April 19, 2016 Don't focus on the weight aspect when talking to her, women are under so much media pressure to be as skinny as possible that its become a big problem, and she'll react to it in a way that might make it worse. Encourage her to be healthy, lead by example. Are you looking after your health, watching what you eat and exercising regularly? Take her along to the gym, or for long walks on a sunday morning. Introduce her to the joys of being fit and healthy. That could help save your relationship, at the very least she'll feel good. I think it is a bit too late for that, I guess "Lets go to the gym" will upset her further. Things is, with many larger people the "joys" of exercise, the gym and long walks pass them by, they are just not interested in any of it. They may try, when encouraged, but often do not succeed long term as fundamentally they hate it.
dreamingoftigers Posted April 19, 2016 Posted April 19, 2016 I think it is a bit too late for that, I guess "Lets go to the gym" will upset her further. Things is, with many larger people the "joys" of exercise, the gym and long walks pass them by, they are just not interested in any of it. They may try, when encouraged, but often do not succeed long term as fundamentally they hate it. I actually fundamentally like it, I especially like hiking. But what I find is that if it's presented as a "Come on Chunk-monster, let's lose that fat arse so you can be pretty enough to be seen with" it becomes a completely different animal.. I think a lot of times there's shame attached to gaining weight. And when your partner becomes one of those in the crowd that triggers that, it's an uphill battle from there. Same with a sexless marriage. Shaming a "low-desire" spouse into putting out, might work very briefly in the short-term, then both parties resent each other. Trying to engage better might NOT provide results but it would be more likely to. I think probably the best way to go about it all is making it about self-value and sharing those values. But I bet the seeds in this relationship are pretty well sown. 3
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