GF Jealous at times, upset I'm buying new house?

[longjohn]

I've been with my gf for coming up to two years so far and while we've been through a fair bit. A good bit on both sides thanks to past experiences in relationships now it's taking a bit of a weird turn.

 

She gets quite jealous at times of my career. Stating not everyone can know at 18 they want to do a, b and c then just make it all happen. Which isn't true. I didn't get into my current career until about 9 years ago. Ok it's an offshoot of my former career in a way. After 9 years of hard work, education and going above and beyond at work I've gained real traction in my career. I've doubled my income, wiped out what little debt I've had, saved a lot and returned to education to acquire another degree. She however came out of high school knowing exactly what she wanted to do and went and did it. Then the economy sank and so did her career. She got wiped out and I by pure luck didn't.

 

I bought property when the housing market sank rock bottom and it paid off. I've almost doubled the value on my property and therefore I'm in a position to buy a new house if I want it or be mortgage free in 10 years if I stay put. Funny thing is I found a beautiful house about 20 minutes from my job and about an hour from her job. This is place is everything we could want and it's got the space we need vs the current place. However she's acting as if it's now too far to travel? She was ok with it at 50 minutes but 60 it suddenly too far. This only cropped up after she spoke with her mother who almost right away criticized the new house. While I welcome constructive criticism I don't like feeling like I should be taking advice from two ladies that to be honest went bankrupt during the bust in part because they didn't control their spending. I controlled my spending to allow me to do things like this now vs having instant gratification back then.

 

I really love that property and I've already negotiated an amazing price a good 20% lower than the surrounding market will allow. I'm probably buying it with or without her. I without a doubt don't need her to acquire it. I hate to think her mother poisoned her but I think she might want a ring on the finger first and she's in for a long wait there. I was married before and not doing that right now and she know it. Plus I'll never just marry without paperwork to keep what's mine, mine and her's, her's. I've seen too many get married only to have the wife walk off with most of their crap.

[Httm]

I wouldn't want to travel an hour each way for work...

[mikeylo]

I've been with my gf for coming up to two years so far and while we've been through a fair bit. A good bit on both sides thanks to past experiences in relationships now it's taking a bit of a weird turn.

 

She gets quite jealous at times of my career. Stating not everyone can know at 18 they want to do a, b and c then just make it all happen. Which isn't true. I didn't get into my current career until about 9 years ago. Ok it's an offshoot of my former career in a way. After 9 years of hard work, education and going above and beyond at work I've gained real traction in my career. I've doubled my income, wiped out what little debt I've had, saved a lot and returned to education to acquire another degree. She however came out of high school knowing exactly what she wanted to do and went and did it. Then the economy sank and so did her career. She got wiped out and I by pure luck didn't.

 

I bought property when the housing market sank rock bottom and it paid off. I've almost doubled the value on my property and therefore I'm in a position to buy a new house if I want it or be mortgage free in 10 years if I stay put. Funny thing is I found a beautiful house about 20 minutes from my job and about an hour from her job. This is place is everything we could want and it's got the space we need vs the current place. However she's acting as if it's now too far to travel? She was ok with it at 50 minutes but 60 it suddenly too far. This only cropped up after she spoke with her mother who almost right away criticized the new house. While I welcome constructive criticism I don't like feeling like I should be taking advice from two ladies that to be honest went bankrupt during the bust in part because they didn't control their spending. I controlled my spending to allow me to do things like this now vs having instant gratification back then.

 

I really love that property and I've already negotiated an amazing price a good 20% lower than the surrounding market will allow. I'm probably buying it with or without her. I without a doubt don't need her to acquire it. I hate to think her mother poisoned her but I think she might want a ring on the finger first and she's in for a long wait there. I was married before and not doing that right now and she know it. Plus I'll never just marry without paperwork to keep what's mine, mine and her's, her's. I've seen too many get married only to have the wife walk off with most of their crap.

 

You 18 years old ? carrer at 9, gf at 9? What am I missing ?:confused:

[ExpatInItaly]

I'd say you already know why she seems upset about this. It's her misdirected frustration over you not buying her a ring instead.

 

I'm not saying you should. It sounds like you have good reason not to at this point. But if she was really hoping for it and sees you spending your money on something else, she's probably not happy about it. But, like you said, she knows you're not going to be proposing any time soon.

 

Just my guess.

 

If she keeps giving you a hard time about the house, I would sit her down and ask her what is really bothering her. Because I can almost guarantee it's not the purchase of a new house in and of itself.

[clia]

You've been together two years and you aren't making future plans with her or taking her situation (commute) into account in your decision making. You are going to do what you want. I can't really blame her for feeling upset; you don't seem to care much about her. Have you explicitly told her you never want to marry her?

 

I wouldn't want to spend two hours a day commuting, no matter how nice the house. And if she didn't complain before with a 50 minute commute, I assume you already owned that house when you met her? That's a very different situation than intentionally buying a house even further away from her job. Aren't there any other, closer houses you could buy?

[Popsicle]

If you don't want to marry her, why is this even a question? Buy the house you want!

[Redhead14]

I've been with my gf for coming up to two years so far and while we've been through a fair bit. A good bit on both sides thanks to past experiences in relationships now it's taking a bit of a weird turn.

 

She gets quite jealous at times of my career. Stating not everyone can know at 18 they want to do a, b and c then just make it all happen. Which isn't true. I didn't get into my current career until about 9 years ago. Ok it's an offshoot of my former career in a way. After 9 years of hard work, education and going above and beyond at work I've gained real traction in my career. I've doubled my income, wiped out what little debt I've had, saved a lot and returned to education to acquire another degree. She however came out of high school knowing exactly what she wanted to do and went and did it. Then the economy sank and so did her career. She got wiped out and I by pure luck didn't.

 

I bought property when the housing market sank rock bottom and it paid off. I've almost doubled the value on my property and therefore I'm in a position to buy a new house if I want it or be mortgage free in 10 years if I stay put. Funny thing is I found a beautiful house about 20 minutes from my job and about an hour from her job. This is place is everything we could want and it's got the space we need vs the current place. However she's acting as if it's now too far to travel? She was ok with it at 50 minutes but 60 it suddenly too far. This only cropped up after she spoke with her mother who almost right away criticized the new house. While I welcome constructive criticism I don't like feeling like I should be taking advice from two ladies that to be honest went bankrupt during the bust in part because they didn't control their spending. I controlled my spending to allow me to do things like this now vs having instant gratification back then.

 

I really love that property and I've already negotiated an amazing price a good 20% lower than the surrounding market will allow. I'm probably buying it with or without her. I without a doubt don't need her to acquire it. I hate to think her mother poisoned her but I think she might want a ring on the finger first and she's in for a long wait there. I was married before and not doing that right now and she know it. Plus I'll never just marry without paperwork to keep what's mine, mine and her's, her's. I've seen too many get married only to have the wife walk off with most of their crap.

 

I think this is more about her feeling left out, not feeling included in your life and not seeing signs of a deeper commitment or being included in your future. She wants more from you. It's time for another conversation about the fact that you don't want to marry her at least. Do you intend to move in together at least. It's not about a 10 minute travel difference.

[AMJ]

Lots of people commute an hour or longer to work each day..I've rarely in my life had a shorter commute. I think her issue is about feeling inadequate due to your success. She's worried that she's not good enough for you, and that you don't want to marry her.

[d0nnivain]

Buying a house is a milestone in life. She feels like you are building a life without her. You picked a house you want in a neighborhood that is convenient for you. While you have every right to do that, can you at least acknowledge that she feels cut out. She was probably expecting that you would stay put & that your next move would be into a house you picked out together. She's looking at the romance while you are focused on the practical & your own financial protection.

 

I'm not saying either of you is wrong. I am simply identifying the point of contention for you.

 

If you want to continue dating her, step up the romance even if it's not to the point of an engagement but do show her that she is important to you. Right now she feels cast aside.

 

Whatever you do, unless she volunteers, don't expect her to roll up her sleeves & help you move.

[Jabron1]

I like you. You've got your head on right.

 

She was ok with it at 50 minutes but 60 it suddenly too far. This only cropped up after she spoke with her mother who almost right away criticized the new house. While I welcome constructive criticism I don't like feeling like I should be taking advice from two ladies that to be honest went bankrupt during the bust in part because they didn't control their spending.

 

I wouldn't let her mother control my life either. And no, you shouldn't be taking advice from the financially irresponsible.

 

A sixty minute commute is normal; it's what most of us do each day.

 

I think she might want a ring on the finger first and she's in for a long wait there.

 

You're probably right.

 

I've seen too many get married only to have the wife walk off with most of their crap.

 

Yep.

 

Most people come here looking for advice. I don't think you need any.

[Miss Peach]

You've been together two years and you aren't making future plans with her or taking her situation (commute) into account in your decision making. You are going to do what you want. I can't really blame her for feeling upset; you don't seem to care much about her. Have you explicitly told her you never want to marry her?

 

I wouldn't want to spend two hours a day commuting, no matter how nice the house. And if she didn't complain before with a 50 minute commute, I assume you already owned that house when you met her? That's a very different situation than intentionally buying a house even further away from her job. Aren't there any other, closer houses you could buy?

 

This was my thoughts when I read your story. She's hoping after 2 years you are willing to made a deeper commitment to her. But instead you are doing something (buying this house) without her feelings (or talk of her future with you) taken into account. It's not really an argument about the house IMO.

 

I know it's not logical to you but if you don't honor her feelings at the very least it's not going to become a good situation.

[PogoStick]

I think these ladies are onto something. You've shown that your gf is not a priority. Instead, you're forging ahead with your life and she's supposed to be gracious that you're allowing her to tag along.

[kendahke]

I read nowhere in your post that you loved her, so I'm guessing that truthfully, you really don't. She hasn't figured into this at all, except negatively, and you really need to be honest with yourself on this point. At some point before you wrote this, she failed to be who you needed for her to be in order for you to be happy. The "you and she" ship has sailed is what it sounds like.

 

If her grievance is only about the commute, then that's legitimate. I can't tolerate a commute of more than 30 minutes and a lot of people can't. But still--at the end of the day, you don't sound like you really love her like that and you're not married to her, so you can move wherever you see fit and that's the bottom line.

 

However, if her grievance is really about you not spending your money on a ring, then dude, you need to get her out of your life--she's looking to spend your money for you. She is not your dependent, child or wife.

 

And really, who cares what her mother thinks? Is she married? Your finances are none of her business, especially when you haven't even talked marriage with her daughter.

[elaine567]

All I read here is contempt and disdain for your gf and her mother and a fair measure of gloating and arrogance as to how wonderful you are, and how idiotic they are.

The crash in Ireland was a catastrophic event, however some scored and some were ruined. Fortunately you were one of those who scored, but was that really due to great planning on your part or were you just lucky? You even say it yourself it was luck.

 

Maybe it gives you great pleasure to be so superior, so powerful, so in control, but that never makes for good relationships.

I guess she was looking for some actual caring on your part, but that wasn't forthcoming here was it?

[Jabron1]

I'm seeing some immaturity here.

 

Not offering marriage and combining assets = he doesn't care about her.

Not letting her decide where he lives = he doesn't care about her.

Having a clear direction in life, and confidence to pursue it = he doesn't care about her.

 

Do me a favour...

 

Hopefully this isn't the sort of emotional blackmail that the OP's girlfriend will subject him to.

[katiegrl]

I'm seeing some immaturity here.

 

Not offering marriage and combining assets = he doesn't care about her.

Not letting her decide where he lives = he doesn't care about her.

Having a clear direction in life, and confidence to pursue it = he doesn't care about her.

 

Do me a favour...

 

Hopefully this isn't the sort of emotional blackmail that the OP's girlfriend will put him through.

 

Interesting how we all interpret things differently.

 

I know for me.... it wasn't so much what he actually said, but how he said it.

 

The indifference, the apathy.

 

That is the sense I got from reading his posts.

 

If that wasn't your sense, so be it.

[preraph]

I don't know why you're blaming her mother. She's just telling you that so she doesn't have to take all the blame for her opinion. I wouldn't drive an hour to work either. It seems like you could find a place halfway if you really wanted to be with her and it doesn't sound like you do, so maybe this is best.

[elaine567]

I'm seeing some immaturity here.

 

Not offering marriage and combining assets = he doesn't care about her.

Not letting her decide where he lives = he doesn't care about her.

Having a clear direction in life, and confidence to pursue it = he doesn't care about her.

 

Do me a favour... immaturity???

I see some basic lack of any care for her feelings or her opinion here, they are NOT a team, he hasn't taken her into any consideration whatsoever.

 

Fine, if she was NOT going to live there and it was an investment property, but as a potential home then both need to be on side here. BUT he apparently has made up HIS mind, so who cares about her...?

Not him it seems...

[BlueIris]

Don’t be so emotional about money. Talk to her about it like a partner, someone who has interests separate from yours and that you want to reach a fair agreement with.

 

It sounds as though you two don’t talk openly with each other in general, or you talk around edges. (ex. She might want a ring?)

 

You’re not alone in getting emotional about money and worrying about losing financially in marriage or divorce. Lots of people are, but they’re so emotional/irrational about it they avoid the solution, which is taking it head-on and scraping off the fear. Do things like: consider both people’s risks and benefits, talk to lawyers about prenups, talk to financial planners, negotiate a balanced fair prenup that truly assesses financial possibilities for each of you and equalizes for unpaid work, and consider the relationship dynamic because you’ll both have to be individually driven to maximize income over time. Since you’ll both be career-driven by necessity, be sure to get disability insurance and (good) long term health insurance (lots of it is a rip-off). Make sure the prenup allows you each to save from your individual incomes during the marriage. The wealth balance can shift over the decades. Seen it happen a lot! Write in terms now, or requiring modification later, for childrearing, housekeeping, career-trailing, etc.

 

The “I keep mine” setup is not enough. It's a bad contract that's short-sighted and fear-based- a bad way to start a marriage. Talk openly and honestly about relationship and money with her if you want to make this relationship last.

[loveflower]

I without a doubt don't need her to acquire it.

 

but does she need to pay for her rent?

[carhill]

This appears to have been going on for some time and apparently the OP came out of a marriage where he had been the victim of infidelity so there's some of that fallout in the milieu as well.

 

OP, what do you propose as a resolution which allows for some bend from you that respects your boundaries? Are there other issues for you to bend on not related to the house purchase that could mitigate this issue?

[kendahke]

Do me a favour...

 

Hopefully this isn't the sort of emotional blackmail that the OP's girlfriend will subject him to.

 

Emotional blackmail can't enter into the picture with someone who isn't invested, emotionally, in the other person.

 

He needs to be truthful with himself. His post very clearly made the case that he doesn't care for her and that sometime before he posted this, he stopped caring for her. Admitting that bit of truth would be his first step in acting maturely and standing in his truth.

 

But when you start a course of action while in a relationship that is steering you away from things that a couple does to things a single individual does without having told that person that they are being summarily dismissed, then yeah, that = not caring about her. Because caring about her doesn't have that set of behaviors and no one who is mature would say it does.

[katiegrl]

This appears to have been going on for some time and apparently the OP came out of a marriage where he had been the victim of infidelity so there's some of that fallout in the milieu as well.

 

OP, what do you propose as a resolution which allows for some bend from you that respects your boundaries? Are there other issues for you to bend on not related to the house purchase that could mitigate this issue?

 

Thanks for posting that link carhill....

 

Sheds new light on the situation for sure.

 

OP, why are you still with this woman?

[kendahke]

This appears to have been going on for some time

 

and this is exactly what I was talking about when I said:

 

At some point before you wrote this, she failed to be who you needed for her to be in order for you to be happy. The "you and she" ship has sailed is what it sounds like.

[Jabron1]

Emotional blackmail can't enter into the picture with someone who isn't invested, emotionally, in the other person.

 

I can't argue with that.

 

They shouldn't be boyfriend/girlfriend in that case.