longjohn Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 My gf of over a year and a half is.. well twice the woman I met. There's no nice way to say she's gained significant weight since I've met her but she has. She used to work out, was eating right then all that went out the window early in. The thing is, is that I'm not physically attracted to obese women. When I say obese i don't mean a small amount of weight. I mean double chin and can't see her toes. I like the woman, we get along really well now that we understand each other and have a lot in common but I can't do fat. She has no children, she's always been small and in really good shape her most of her life. Although her mother is very big, so big she needs a walker and her sister isn't far behind her mother in size. I've gone to family dinners with these people and watched them nail an obscene amount of food in one sitting and to be perfectly honest it disgusts me. Her last bf dumped her because she got "fat". That' what she's told me and from what I understand she got big he tried to get her to go to the gym, eat right etc and all for nothing apparently. Here I am thinking.. WTF I'm doing the same thing. I tried the lets not eat out, cook dinner, tried to get her to have breakfast at home vs eat junk food but she eats junk while I'm not around and refuses to not eat out at lunch. We've had fights over her junk food eating now she hides it form me. It isn't my job to police her eating! I'm feeling like this woman wants whatever high food gives her or whatever escape it provides. I don't mean to sound like an arse but I get attention from other women fairly often. I go to the gym regularly, I work a full time job. I really don't want to come back home to find an overweight gf sat watching tv eating ice cream and think.. oh god she's turning into her mother. Then the thought hits me, heart attack, stroke, diabetes, high blood pressure, needing a walker etc. I don't want to nurse someone in old age because they choose to kill themselves slowly with an addition whether it be alcohol, drugs or food. I don't want that and I've no idea how to convey that to her without sounding like a superficial prick or one of these people that only want skinny women. That's not what I want, what I want is healthy. No matter how many ways I run this through my head I feel like this is already a lost cause and I'll burn months or years on this and still get nowhere. I'll dump her and suddenly she'll get motivated again to shed the weight find another bf then gain it all back. I feel like I was sold a sport car only to find a ford escort in the driveway. Sorry for the rant just wanted to get it out there so I don't unleash it on her.
Ruby Slippers Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 Can you talk to her about this? It's not going to do either of you any good to remain silent on the matter. You could just leave, but I think she deserves a chance to improve her habits before getting kicked to the curb. She might freak out, but I think it's best to be honest. You can be honest while also being kind.
hasaquestion Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 You don't want to unleash it on her..... so you're just going to bottle it up and be miserable? Sounds like this has been going on for a while. You should have nipped this in the bud some time ago. Instead, you stayed with her, were a pushover, and enabled it. Or you've been silent which is even worse. Now its going to be even more unpleasant to confront her on the matter. Stop trying so hard to be a nice guy and stick up for yourself.
Author longjohn Posted January 2, 2016 Author Posted January 2, 2016 Can you talk to her about this? It's not going to do either of you any good to remain silent on the matter. You could just leave, but I think she deserves a chance to improve her habits before getting kicked to the curb. She might freak out, but I think it's best to be honest. You can be honest while also being kind. We did talk a few months into the relationship about it and she tried for a few weeks then went back to "normal" We fought over it a few times. We fight most times I ask her to go to the gym. Sometimes she goes but then undoes it when she gets home by eating chocolate and other junk food. It's like waxing the car then taking a giant $hit on it. I've been "honest" to her before about some things but she claims that my saying "I'm being honest" is my way of covering for being an arsehole and it's not! I'm almost certain when I try to tell her I'll be "honest" and it'll cause a major fight. It'll be the final push and I'll tell her where to go. I don't feel it's right that I feel bad about talking or wanting to talk about outstanding issues in the relationship.
Rejected Rosebud Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 You don't have to focus on her fatness when you talk to her. You can talk about your different lifestyles and how being healthy and active is important to you and it's important that your partner share in that with you. Are you ready to break up over this? If you are you can tell her that, in the context of how your lifestyles don't seem to be compatible anymore. She will either take you seriously and make some changes - or else you have 2 choices, accept her as she is or break up. 1
sweet honeydew Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 I am thin myself but my son is very very overweight. I know the struggle of losing weight for people and it's not easy. However, your gf sounds like her problem is emotional. She's able to lose the weight when she's single but gain weight during relationship. I am not a psychologist, but it sounds like she has intimacy issues! No amount of action plan or talk would make much difference. I really suggest you two go to therapist or something to figure out what really is making her hurting herself like this. She should do it for health reason, for herself. Gaining twice your current weight in one year is very unhealthy!! As for you, I believe it's up to you if you want to leave the relationship. You guys are not married. If a person intentionally changes so much and refuse to get help then it's a problem. Don't feel bad about it. 4
Author longjohn Posted January 2, 2016 Author Posted January 2, 2016 You don't have to focus on her fatness when you talk to her. You can talk about your different lifestyles and how being healthy and active is important to you and it's important that your partner share in that with you. Are you ready to break up over this? If you are you can tell her that, in the context of how your lifestyles don't seem to be compatible anymore. She will either take you seriously and make some changes - or else you have 2 choices, accept her as she is or break up. Yes I tried the nice and gentle approach already a few months in when the weight gain started.. That led to a fight and almost a breakup. She did the lets be healthy thing for like a week or two then slipped back to "normal". What annoys me is pictures of her just 3,5 and 10 years ago is like not the same woman. The woman I met isn't the same woman. I don't understand it. I feel like I have to pick my words carefully and give her the fat talk that'll go one of two ways. I don't have a third option of accepting her as is. To do that is to write off sex forever and I like sex too much to never get it anymore.
bathtub-row Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 She obviously didn't learn her lesson when the last guy dropped her over this very same issue. I personally don't blame you for being very upset about this. You have every right to expect her to be her best. Lots of people think that once they get into a relationship, they can let themselves go. This is a dangerous mind set because it shows no regard for their partner. I agree with you that this is not a battle worth fighting because she was obviously raised to think that this behavior is ok. This is an impossible thing to fix, particularly when she shows no desire to improve. I understand if someone becomes I'll or incapacitated through things they can't control, but I would be extremely resentful to be with someone who needed a walker because they became so obese from eating junk food. That is just messed up. This is a huge red flag that I wouldn't ignore if I were you. 2
Rejected Rosebud Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 Are you willing to stay in your relationship if it keeps on going in this direction? I get that you are not being superficial, I would feel the same way you do. Are you ready to stay with her forever if she doesn't change? People rarely make big permanent changes for other people even though they often truly intend to. You've only been with her for a year and a half and it doesn't seem to be going in a good direction. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 I feel like I have to pick my words carefully and give her the fat talk that'll go one of two ways. I don't have a third option of accepting her as is. To do that is to write off sex forever and I like sex too much to never get it anymore. Talk to her about it one more time. Offer all the support you can, but make it clear that you're at the breaking point because it's impeding your sexual desire, creating a romantic relationship dead end. Set a time period and see if any meaningful improvements occur. If so, great. If not, make your decision. If it makes you feel any better, I don't date obese men, either. I don't mind a little extra fluff if he's masculine and in decent shape. But a man who's fat and out of shape just isn't sexually appealing to me at all.
xxoo Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 Her preferred habits are clear. It's unlikely she'll change, but definitely talk to her directly about your concerns for her health. Be kind but direct. But don't expect her to change. She probably won't. 2
Author longjohn Posted January 2, 2016 Author Posted January 2, 2016 Talk to her about it one more time. Offer all the support you can, but make it clear that you're at the breaking point because it's impeding your sexual desire, creating a romantic relationship dead end. Set a time period and see if any meaningful improvements occur. If so, great. If not, make your decision. If it makes you feel any better, I don't date obese men, either. I don't mind a little extra fluff if he's masculine and in decent shape. But a man who's fat and out of shape just isn't sexually appealing to me at all. Thanks, that's the idea. I feel like I've already beaten this issue to death. I've nagged and nagged her to go to the gym with me. I've offered to get a personal trainer, I suggested she try other gyms. I suggested a different routine and diet. To be fair I've been stalled and stalled on this. Maybe she wants to see how far she can push me before I hit the wall. What she isn't aware of is I've hit the wall already.
xxoo Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 . Maybe she wants to see how far she can push me before I hit the wall. What she isn't aware of is I've hit the wall already. She had this issue before you and she'll have it after you. It's not about you. 7
loveflower Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 I understand emotional eating. whenever I am feeling empty, unhappy and depressed I want to eat and that happen all the times... Food gives me comfort, satisfaction and consolation. sometimes even my tommy feels very full, I still want to eat! fortunately, I am not overweight despite that maybe that has something to do with genes. I also go to gym, swim and do snowsport sometimes. I enjoy physical activities even though sometimes I am too lazy to do. watching video like this also motivate me. that's what life is supposed to be: healthy and fit. 2
Author longjohn Posted January 2, 2016 Author Posted January 2, 2016 She had this issue before you and she'll have it after you. It's not about you. You might very well be right there!
still_an_Angel Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 Talk to her seriously about a timeline, make her understand the gravity of the situation for you and that you mean business. Its good that you have offered to get a PT if she wants and that she has your full support in looking after her health. You only want the best for both your futures and her ballooning weight is not heading in that direction. It is a major concern and if she is going to be a part of your future then she needs to control the situation. You have to be fair and realistic about the timeline though, otherwise you will come out being a prick about it. Bear in mind though, even Oprah has been battling the bulge for most of her life. This situation with your gf might be an ongoing battle as well given her previous history.
Poutrew Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 Well, if you can't beat 'em'... not that you should get fat. No... but if you are at the point of leaving this relationship, then you could try just telling her that her lifestyle choices and weight are going to be an insurmountable issue for you, but you don't want to see her fat and lonely. Offer to set her up with one of your obese friends. Tell her that Johnny never gets a date because girls can't get past the obesity issue. But, he's a nice guy with a heart of gold. Tell her how much you think Johnny and her will get along, how much they have in common -he likes Nachos and eats Cheetos sandwiches, and tried to turn you onto deep fried Twinkies... See, what you are doing is bringing her face to face with with the reality of her own situation and what it means to you . It's called Reductio ad absurdum, and 'Johnny' is the straw man you are using to drive the point home. The only danger with this approach is that she might take you up on it, which is why I said to use it only if you already know you are hitting the wall in this relationship. If that is the case, you have the added bonus of leaving as friends. They'll invite you to the wedding and maybe name one of their kids after you... win-win all the way around.
basil67 Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 I feel like I've already beaten this issue to death. I've nagged and nagged her to go to the gym with me. I've offered to get a personal trainer, I suggested she try other gyms. I suggested a different routine and diet. To be fair I've been stalled and stalled on this. Maybe she wants to see how far she can push me before I hit the wall. What she isn't aware of is I've hit the wall already. And this is why she hides her eating from you - all your nagging and suggestions are achieving nothing more than shaming her about the weight. This girl has issues which are bigger than simply eating less and moving more. She most likely is also dealing with psychological problems, poor role modelling and genetics. The things she's battling are far more complex than someone who's never had to fight weight gain can understand. More discussions from you will not change her. Well, it might change her temporarily, but until SHE wants to change for HERSELF and engage professional support, this will be her future. You're better off just ending it and moving on. 6
bathtub-row Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 You need to stop nagging her about it and just let her know that what she's doing is jeapordizing the relationship by going down this path. Then stop talking about it. If you get resistance or see no change, then leave. 1
11012015 Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 My gf of over a year and a half is.. well twice the woman I met. There's no nice way to say she's gained significant weight since I've met her but she has. She used to work out, was eating right then all that went out the window early in. The thing is, is that I'm not physically attracted to obese women. When I say obese i don't mean a small amount of weight. I mean double chin and can't see her toes. I like the woman, we get along really well now that we understand each other and have a lot in common but I can't do fat. She has no children, she's always been small and in really good shape her most of her life. Although her mother is very big, so big she needs a walker and her sister isn't far behind her mother in size. I've gone to family dinners with these people and watched them nail an obscene amount of food in one sitting and to be perfectly honest it disgusts me. Her last bf dumped her because she got "fat". That' what she's told me and from what I understand she got big he tried to get her to go to the gym, eat right etc and all for nothing apparently. Here I am thinking.. WTF I'm doing the same thing. I tried the lets not eat out, cook dinner, tried to get her to have breakfast at home vs eat junk food but she eats junk while I'm not around and refuses to not eat out at lunch. We've had fights over her junk food eating now she hides it form me. It isn't my job to police her eating! I'm feeling like this woman wants whatever high food gives her or whatever escape it provides. I don't mean to sound like an arse but I get attention from other women fairly often. I go to the gym regularly, I work a full time job. I really don't want to come back home to find an overweight gf sat watching tv eating ice cream and think.. oh god she's turning into her mother. Then the thought hits me, heart attack, stroke, diabetes, high blood pressure, needing a walker etc. I don't want to nurse someone in old age because they choose to kill themselves slowly with an addition whether it be alcohol, drugs or food. I don't want that and I've no idea how to convey that to her without sounding like a superficial prick or one of these people that only want skinny women. That's not what I want, what I want is healthy. No matter how many ways I run this through my head I feel like this is already a lost cause and I'll burn months or years on this and still get nowhere. I'll dump her and suddenly she'll get motivated again to shed the weight find another bf then gain it all back. I feel like I was sold a sport car only to find a ford escort in the driveway. Sorry for the rant just wanted to get it out there so I don't unleash it on her. Honestly (and with all due respect) I wouldn't listen to people who say "Talk to her honestly" or "Talk to her one last time." Those are the same people (metaphorically speaking) who say "What a horrible thing... he could have been more tactful" to someone who had that honest talk with a woman. The reality is there is no right way to tell a woman she has gotten fat. You can sugar code all you want, use the right words, it doesn't matter ... you will offend them and they will get even more insecure and it will backfire. That is that. So what to do? The weight issue in a relationship can be fixed by two things: 1. Someone leaves the relationship, so the other party realizes "Oh, it was serious!" or "Oh, I am going to slim down and get a new boyfriend ... and show him!" 2. You get someone else (a woman) that she trusts to give her a reality check and tell her "Girl, you need to do something about your weight before your guy looks elsewhere! What are you doing! Shape up." #2 is the only way (even though it is the worse option out of the two) to get anything done while being in a relationship. As you observed, you trying to tell her things (directly, indirectly) never works. Why? Because the weight issue can only be fixed from within. What is your best bet? Get someone to tell her how other women were checking you out (create a dose of reality for her) and how she needs to slim down before things fell apart.
seekingluck Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 Break up with her and move on. You don't need to tell her anything. She knows and she will address it when she is ready. You can't change her. If you can't be in a relationship with her at her current weight then relationship is over. 5
Buddhist Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 (edited) Well I don't see much wrong with your issue there except maybe calling her a Ford Escort, which if I'm being honest really does sound [disrespectful] and quite superficial. If you want us to believe it's her health you care about you might want to dispense with the derogatory comments. Anyway back to the issue. She sounds like an emotional eater and there's more going on with her than just a lack of willpower. This is self sabotage and it's a deeper issue. If you truly want her to be healthy get her into therapy not the gym. Working it off is a temporary fix as you've already discovered. Sooner or later, sounds like sooner, the emotional issues get triggered and she's piling it back on. Gym + therapy is necessary for her to maintain a healthy natural body in the longterm. Dieting in order to secure a boyfriend is symptomatic of that emotional need beneath the surface. But here's the thing.....she's got to be willing to see her own self sabotage here, admit to it AND want to change it. Without that, there is no hope. Edited January 2, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Language 4
TheArtist Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 I think it's important that you don't give her an ultimatum, that you don't say 'I'm leaving unless you drop some pork, love', but offer support to help her gradually move into a healthier lifestyle. Knowing about fitness already, you probably already understand that diets don't work, they simply enable a yo-yo effect on your weight as you come off them. You could try going food shopping with her and choose more healthy snacks, cut out sugar altogether, and buy more fruit and vegetables. Of course, none of this helps that initial conversation, but I don't think telling her she's dumped unless she does something is a good approach. There's something from a woman's perspective here: Getting Your Girlfriend to Lose Weight | Getting Inside A Woman
JS84 Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 Just break up with her. She's not going to change, and honestly I think her mother and her sister are pretty good indicators that she's just going to be big. All you're doing is making her feel like **** and trying to change her when she clearly isn't interested and wasting your time. 1
Brapting Posted January 2, 2016 Posted January 2, 2016 (edited) While I get where you are coming from, be under no illusions that the issue is with you and not her. She has every right to eat what she likes and be a fat as she wants. She is under no obligation to be in shape to please anyone else or to maintain a relationship. Her only obligation is to how she feels about it and providing that she is happy with herself...there is nothing intrinsically wrong with her, or anyone else being overweight. You say that you are not attracted to overweight women and I completely get that, but please be clear to yourself and her that this is why you are ending it (if you are indeed ending it). It will be because you are prioritizing appearance over any other emotional connection or relationship that you share. There is nothing wrong with this, but it might be worth reflecting on what this says about you, your standards and your priorities. If you are to end it, it will not be because she got too fat. It will be because you couldn't accept her body shape/size and for you it was a deal breaker in continuing a relationship (once again, there is nothing intrinsically wrong with this). Hopefully she will see that the problem was yours and not hers...although sadly, it doesn't always pan out this way. Perhaps it is only 'right' that you continue to reinforce this message to her during and after the breakup. Edited January 2, 2016 by Brapting 2
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