Am I a catfish?

[SugarLips72]

On a similar note, there was a guy on the POF message boards when I was a member there a couple years ago. He was actually in a wheelchair but didn't tell the women he was. He had a couple deceiving pictures on his ad one was he was holding a football, therefore giving he impression he was athletic and active.

 

 

Imagine the disappointment when he told the women either online after they had contact or in person that he was disabled when there was nothing stated in the ad about his disability. He was upset women were turned off by him since he seemed to hide that important fact. That is a major catfish and if you knowingly deceive someone like that you pretty much get what you deserve.

 

 

My friends have all done online dating and one gal in particular met this guy in person who was in terrible shape and walked with a cane. Of course didn't tell her that and he didn't even really look like his pictures. My friend was older but pretty and in really good shape and was active liked to hike and run and wasn't expecting someone with a limp and a cane. She was not interested and ended the date early, and he was pissed called her a stuck up bitch , etc.. What did he expect? Again another catfish gone wrong.

[hawx79]

But don't you think it's unfair to those coming to the table with certain expectations, readily available emotionally and mentally while you're battling your inability to be completely present and honest to them?

 

If you're going to work on your issues, don't do it on someone else's time.

 

Four days ago you already made your mind up to go down the path of least resistance. You already decided in your mind you will never be courageous. How is that trying to train your brain when you're already reverting?

 

 

So I should never try to date and accept to be always single just because I have anxiety issues. I could try and live with it and she could accept me. There have been far worse cases where couples accept each other despite the issues they had then mine.

 

 

And yes 4 days ago I didn't want to meet them but a man can change his ways, and I don't want to waste these women's time, so I have been mentioning to them that I like to be pen pals and perhaps have a date further down the line. And there were a few who didn't mind that, so I did warn them.

 

 

Oh, my bad--because the second sentence in your very first post on this thread said:

So I am on a online dating site, using my own profile with 5 pictures that are truly me from 3 years ago.

 

That wasn't really the case, only 1 of them is 3 years old and it is my main profile picture, and I do look pretty good in that. The other 4 are all within 1 year.

[Zahara]

So I should never try to date and accept to be always single just because I have anxiety issues. I could try and live with it and she could accept me. There have been far worse cases where couples accept each other despite the issues they had then mine.

 

You have very low self-esteem. Poor sense of value. Those are deep rooted issues. It isn't just anxiety.

 

You work on building your confidence. It would be good for you to seek counselling. Introspect into why and where your insecurities are coming from. There is a reason why you're stuck. So, invest some time in yourself first before you plunge into situations that only trigger negativity within.

 

The bold -- people like that don't accept each other. In worse situations, they're coming from a place of co-dependence and toxic attachment. Don't compare your life and situation to others and how worst off they may be -- that would be you aiming low.

 

And yes 4 days ago I didn't want to meet them but a man can change his ways, and I don't want to waste these women's time, so I have been mentioning to them that I like to be pen pals and perhaps have a date further down the line. And there were a few who didn't mind that, so I did warn them.

 

Change? You're still choosing to hide behind a computer. At some point they are going to meet men that want to court and pursue them. You're going to miss opportunities because you're stuck being pen pals.

Edited April 8, 2016 by Zahara

[kendahke]

That wasn't really the case, only 1 of them is 3 years old and it is my main profile picture, and I do look pretty good in that. The other 4 are all within 1 year.

 

Then I guess I'm not understanding why you started this thread clearly saying one thing and now, 4 pages in, it's suddenly something else.

 

This is why misleading people (or gaslighting them) doesn't work out well in the long run.

[devilish innocent]

I think you have to just jump out there and do it. If you wait until you feel ready, you could be waiting forever. I have severe social phobia. I went to see a therapist for it my senior year of high school. She didn't tell me to hold off on speaking to people until we'd worked through all of my issues. Instead, she gave me a homework assignment to approach three people each week. Believe me, I felt really stupid and uncomfortable doing it. But, you know, it worked. Maybe not the first day, but within a couple of months, I was entering into conversations with my classmates. That's something I hadn't done all through high school. Not that you shouldn't change your thinking patterns too, but the behavior needs to change along with it.

 

Also, there really is nothing to be ashamed of if she rejects you. You probably will be rejected, only because that's the nature of on-line dating. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. I've turned down guys because the attraction wasn't there after meeting in person. I don't think poorly of any of them. They just weren't the right guys for me. There's one I just had a vivid dream about the other night and woke up smiling. For some reason, the chemistry was just never there when we tried to date. But if things don't work out, that just means you've eliminated somebody who isn't right for you. The more you eliminate the wrong people, the closer you get to finding the right one.

[hawx79]

I think you have to just jump out there and do it. If you wait until you feel ready, you could be waiting forever. I have severe social phobia. I went to see a therapist for it my senior year of high school. She didn't tell me to hold off on speaking to people until we'd worked through all of my issues. Instead, she gave me a homework assignment to approach three people each week. Believe me, I felt really stupid and uncomfortable doing it. But, you know, it worked. Maybe not the first day, but within a couple of months, I was entering into conversations with my classmates. That's something I hadn't done all through high school. Not that you shouldn't change your thinking patterns too, but the behavior needs to change along with it.

 

Also, there really is nothing to be ashamed of if she rejects you. You probably will be rejected, only because that's the nature of on-line dating. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. I've turned down guys because the attraction wasn't there after meeting in person. I don't think poorly of any of them. They just weren't the right guys for me. There's one I just had a vivid dream about the other night and woke up smiling. For some reason, the chemistry was just never there when we tried to date. But if things don't work out, that just means you've eliminated somebody who isn't right for you. The more you eliminate the wrong people, the closer you get to finding the right one.

 

Thank you for your mild advice. And you're absolutely right, I also don't think I should wait to figure myself out, I'll be 50 by that time!

I noticed a more cynical and fatalistic approach to it all helps me to relax to the idea of getting rejected.

Someone told me I should "want" them, not "need" them.