Am I a catfish?

[kendahke]

Perhaps I am taking this way to serious, as if life and death situation. Perhaps if I look at it as a game or even a date training I could get myself out that door.

But I could get traumatized by her rejection nonetheless.

 

What about the trauma of the woman who you've allowed to build up who you are up based on 3 yr old pictures and being held at bay for months on end? When she finally meets you and you're nowhere near being what you've engineered due to deceptive pictures, how is her trauma less than yours? Or is it that only your trauma matters? That's selfish and has no place in relationships.

 

If you don't think you're good enough as you are, then work on yourself to get to good enough so that you stand in the truth of who you are and proceed from it. Being deceitful and manipulative about who you are to engineer an outcome where you avoid risk isn't the answer.

[GemmaUK]

Update those photos!!

 

Its horrible to arrive on a date when you don't recognise the guy. In my case he had put on around 6st and claimed his pics were only two years old!

 

If you are not confident then work on it. Get in shape, get some new gear and update yourself.

Life is a lot easier the more you do for yourself to be who you want to be but you have to live and breathe it. Not just imagine it.

[SwordofFlame]

You're not a catfish, you're just wasting people's time. And maybe even your own time.

[katiegrl]

THIS.

 

I am still so perplexed why anyone on a legit dating site wouldn't put up recent and accurate pictures of themselves...what is the bloody point in misrepresenting yourself especially if you actually WANT to MEET someone???

 

 

My best guess would be he is hoping to establish such an intense connection via emailing prior to, that when they do finally meet in person she will overlook any shortcomings she has with his appearance.

 

I think this is probably why most people misrepresent themselves.

 

Unfortunately it does NOT work that way! As everyone who has ever done OLD knows, true chemistry, attraction, connection cannot be established UNTIL you meet each other IN PERSON!

 

That "connection" you think you have established (faux connection) will fly completely out the window once you meet IN PERSON and discover there is absolutely NO physical chemistry or attraction.

Edited April 4, 2016 by katiegrl

[kismetkismet]

By using your old photos that you know don't represent how you look now, you're creating situations in which being anxious about your appearance is basically guaranteed! Then you have it hanging over your head the whole time that you're getting to know them that you're unsure how they'll receive how you look. If you put photos that realistically represent how you look then you're much more likely to meet people that you're compatible with AND you don't have to deal with all the anxiety of not knowing if they're attracted to you.

 

You're hurting yourself and these women by doing this, don't sell yourself short and assume that you have to lie to someone to get them to like you.

[joseb]

I met 2 actually. First one in 2014 November, it was my first date ever in my life! And it was horrible, I was awkward but nice, yet she wanted to go home quickly. I am still traumatized of that date.

 

Second was in 2015 September, It went smoother and I felt less awkward, but that is only because she was much friendlier then the first one. She was thankful but didn't feel any spark at the end.

And that was the last one, I tried asking few more women shortly after but they all rejected meeting me.

 

This explains my behavior a lot doesn't it?

 

 

No not really. 2 rejections? I've had two bad dates in the last month (and no good ones!) but i was only bothered about it for a few hours after, if even that. It's just not a big deal. These people were just women i met. Why would i let them have any long term effect on me?

 

You really need to work on your self esteem. Rejection WILL happen. A lot. it does to us all. And it's much much harder after you actually get to know people and start to get invested in them.

[joseb]

Regarding the 3 year old photos, do you look significantly different than three years ago (gained weight, etc)? Is that why you are using those photos?

 

I use a few pics ranging from a month or two to a few years ago, because they are in cool locations, etc. I don't think i look very different in any of them (of course i will be slightly) but I do make sure to have at least one very recent one that matches my current hair, stubble, etc.

[SugarLips72]

Yes you are taking this too serious. A couple things...

 

a pic that is 3 years old is probably not a very good representation of yourself. Take a couple selfies...put them up. What good is it if you are putting pics up that make you look alot better than you are. Are you thinner? Did you have better hair? People that do online dating esp women, are sick of the games and bs. Be honest and up front. You are setting yourself up for rejection because your pics are not recent. Some women will do the same photo trick and you wont appreciate the 40 lbs heavier than their pics they may be. You are taking it way too serious. Have fun with it.

 

If you start chatting with someone who seems interested, meet them early on before you get emotionally invested. The quicker you meet the better. Just meet for a coffee or a drink, low key. If you meet someone after 2 or 3 days of chatting and one of you is not interested, who cares? You have no investment in them. Move on, meet someone else. Have fun.

Edited April 5, 2016 by SugarLips72

[hawx79]

Regarding the 3 year old photos, do you look significantly different than three years ago (gained weight, etc)? Is that why you are using those photos?

 

 

My hair on my head has gotten a lot thinner and I was much happier 3 years ago. Now I often have a saddened stare in my eyes.

 

 

 

IMO, women are less forgiving of looks if they do connect with you and/or you do something for them.

 

Can you please be bit more specific on what you meant by this?

[kendahke]

Can you please be bit more specific on what you meant by this?

 

The man I'm into shaves his head. If his hair grows in, he's bald on top. I don't care either way--it's his heart that has me, not his hair.

 

My ex has a full head of hair--and cheats without thinking twice.

[SugarLips72]

Ok so what? So you have less hair? What are you going to accomplish by sending an older pic when you have more hair? Your older pics are misleading. People expect you to look like your pics. If you are not going to put accurate pics of you online then don't bother.

 

 

Many women do not care about hair. Lots of women like bald guys too.

 

 

Trust me you will have much better luck being more honest.

 

 

 

 

My hair on my head has gotten a lot thinner and I was much happier 3 years ago. Now I often have a saddened stare in my eyes.

 

 

 

 

Can you please be bit more specific on what you meant by this?

[Imported]

 

 

 

 

 

I really want a woman that would love me and accept me despite my shortcomings. But I also want to avoid the hurt of being rejected since I already have such a low self-esteem.

 

To do this, they should know your "shortcomings" early or immediately if it has anything to do with the way you look.

 

If 3 years is not a long time to be using old pics, than why would the old pics be better than any pic you can take today?

 

edit: Oh ya. Yes, you are catfishing them.

Edited April 5, 2016 by Imported

[katiegrl]

The reality of this is though.... is that even with recent pics.... it still takes meeting in person to gauge chemistry.

 

Even when someone's pic is the true representation of that person, and the other finds him/her attractive, that still does not guarantee that elusive "spark" when meeting which so many people, especially women, seek.

 

It takes being in each other's presence in person to determine whether or not that energy is there, no matter how attractive you find their pics.

Edited April 5, 2016 by katiegrl

[The_Dork_Lard]

Nobody wants rejection, but it's an unavoidable fact of life. The best of us get rejected.

 

From every 9 rejections, an acceptance will likely occur. That's what makes acceptances so desirable: they're elusive. You have to work for them. An acceptance is a privilege earnt, something you strive for, not a right. And I'll tell you now, there are men out there who know this, and they're out there getting rejected all the time, because they know at some point they will be accepted.

 

The question is not whether you avoid rejection or not, but more about how you manage it when it inevitably occurs.

 

A personal example: I'm the same age as you, and single, and slightly thinning on top. I've mostly avoided, like you, for the same reasons. Something HAD to change. I always do the eye contact thing with women in the street, in supermarkets, in cafes and pubs etc. I always make eye contact with cashiers, and give off flirty little vibes that say "I like you". I estimate 95% of women will avert their eyes quickly, giving me the signal they're not interested, or not available, or perhaps lack confidence in themselves - I don't know. I perceive their averted eyes as rejection. I've been rejected. They're not interested. They've made their calculations in that fraction of a second, and for whatever reason, they decided "nope". I'd argue I get 'rejected' 30 times per day... BUT, every now and then I get a cute smile, or they don't avert their eyes and look back at me with that look. If I add them up over 1 year I probably have a minimum of 20 opportunities that I could seize on! But I'd have had hundreds and hundreds of 'rejections' without even talking to anybody. In my opinion, I don't care about those, I only care about those 20 opportunities. I focus on those, and I feel as if I have the potential to be quite successful.

 

Furthermore, I have recently bought a few tailor made shirts and trousers. I designed them. I kept getting them altered (the tailor must have hated me, ha ha). They fit PERFECT, and are made with quality materials. When I wear them, and walk tall, with my head up, LOTS of eyes fall on me, and up and down me, and back again. If you want to raise your self esteem, get yourself a few items of tailor made clothing. You won't fail to look good and be perceived as attractive. They SCREAM confidence, self-respect, and maturity. Any woman loves a man with those attributes. In fact wearing those clothes actually creates the confidence and self-respect. So it's the opposite of a viscous circle. Take pictures, put them on your profile, and wear them on your dates. Just do it, and be philosophical about rejection.

 

 

 

So in a nutshell,

 

 

• It's how you choose to interpret daily interactions with women (e.g. 9 rejections followed by 1 acceptance is 1 more acceptance than if you'd never tried first place, so you're actually successful, yeah?)
  
• There's power in your favour in GOOD clothes if you choose to wear them
  
• There's power in the way you choose to hold yourself
  

 

 

So go forth and get REJECTED (a few inevitable times like EVERYBODY does). Just let it ride right off you. Because there WILL be an acceptance somewhere down the line.

 

Not 1 successful businessman got where he did without some painful failure somewhere along the line. The same goes with women.

 

Good luck.

[hawx79]

The reality of this is though.... is that even with recent pics.... it still takes meeting in person to gauge chemistry.

 

Even when someone's pic is the true representation of that person, and the other finds him/her attractive, that still does not guarantee that elusive "spark" when meeting which so many people, especially women, seek.

 

It takes being in each other's presence in person to determine whether or not that energy is there, no matter how attractive you find their pics.

 

 

But say a woman really likes me online and even developed romantic feelings, could it easily all disappear or would it last when meeting face to face?

 

Nobody wants rejection, but it's an unavoidable fact of life. The best of us get rejected.

 

From every 9 rejections, an acceptance will likely occur. That's what makes acceptances so desirable: they're elusive. You have to work for them. An acceptance is a privilege earnt, something you strive for, not a right. And I'll tell you now, there are men out there who know this, and they're out there getting rejected all the time, because they know at some point they will be accepted.

 

The question is not whether you avoid rejection or not, but more about how you manage it when it inevitably occurs.

 

A personal example: I'm the same age as you, and single, and slightly thinning on top. I've mostly avoided, like you, for the same reasons. Something HAD to change. I always do the eye contact thing with women in the street, in supermarkets, in cafes and pubs etc. I always make eye contact with cashiers, and give off flirty little vibes that say "I like you". I estimate 95% of women will avert their eyes quickly, giving me the signal they're not interested, or not available, or perhaps lack confidence in themselves - I don't know. I perceive their averted eyes as rejection. I've been rejected. They're not interested. They've made their calculations in that fraction of a second, and for whatever reason, they decided "nope". I'd argue I get 'rejected' 30 times per day... BUT, every now and then I get a cute smile, or they don't avert their eyes and look back at me with that look. If I add them up over 1 year I probably have a minimum of 20 opportunities that I could seize on! But I'd have had hundreds and hundreds of 'rejections' without even talking to anybody. In my opinion, I don't care about those, I only care about those 20 opportunities. I focus on those, and I feel as if I have the potential to be quite successful.

 

Furthermore, I have recently bought a few tailor made shirts and trousers. I designed them. I kept getting them altered (the tailor must have hated me, ha ha). They fit PERFECT, and are made with quality materials. When I wear them, and walk tall, with my head up, LOTS of eyes fall on me, and up and down me, and back again. If you want to raise your self esteem, get yourself a few items of tailor made clothing. You won't fail to look good and be perceived as attractive. They SCREAM confidence, self-respect, and maturity. Any woman loves a man with those attributes. In fact wearing those clothes actually creates the confidence and self-respect. So it's the opposite of a viscous circle. Take pictures, put them on your profile, and wear them on your dates. Just do it, and be philosophical about rejection.

 

 

 

So in a nutshell,

 

 

• It's how you choose to interpret daily interactions with women (e.g. 9 rejections followed by 1 acceptance is 1 more acceptance than if you'd never tried first place, so you're actually successful, yeah?)
  
• There's power in your favour in GOOD clothes if you choose to wear them
  
• There's power in the way you choose to hold yourself
  

So go forth and get REJECTED (a few inevitable times like EVERYBODY does). Just let it ride right off you. Because there WILL be an acceptance somewhere down the line.

 

Not 1 successful businessman got where he did without some painful failure somewhere along the line. The same goes with women.

 

Good luck.

 

 

Thanks for your great post and advice. Though I do know how to dress.

[SugarLips72]

Absolutely, because you never know someone until you meet them especially if there is any misrepresentation in place. People sometimes look better in pictures, or lie about height or weight. This happens ALL the time. An online relationship is really not much of one and I know where you are going here..you seem to be kind of into games and reluctant to meet anyone in person. As a woman I would blow a guy off after a week or 2 of communication and not meeting. I have done this enough to know, until you meet its nothing. I have met guys that tell me they are 5 11 and we meet he is 5 8 (my height), or much balder than the pics indicated, or has a huge beer belly he didn't show in his pictures. Online makes it easy to build up all these expectations and to build up this pseudo relationship which is just silly and a big waste of time. That is the exact reason why I don't do online dating anymore.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Replied to and quoting:

But say a woman really likes me online and even developed romantic feelings, could it easily all disappear or would it last when meeting face to face?

Edited April 6, 2016 by SugarLips72

[The_Dork_Lard]

Thanks for your great post and advice. Though I do know how to dress.

 

Go release that power then mate

[kendahke]

But say a woman really likes me online and even developed romantic feelings, could it easily all disappear or would it last when meeting face to face?

 

You are guaranteeing that will happen by lying about your looks. You have a far better chance of romantic feelings developing if the woman doesn't feel you've been purposely deceiving her from the start. That speaks to a character issue--that you'd lie to manipulate a reaction out of them and more than anything--more than your looks--that is off-putting when one realizes they've been played falsely and on purpose--with intent.

 

Let's say one of the women you're talking to is sending lovely pictures of a woman around the age of 25. She's petite, long hair, gorgeous smile. You and she have done the pen pal thing for 3 months and you're finally ready to meet her. You go to meet her and a 45 yr old 6'0 tall, heavy woman with a bad hair style and rotten teeth shows up. She really likes you online and you said you liked her; she's developed romantic feelings for you. Do you feel you owe her a relationship just because she likes you and has developed romantic feelings for you?

 

No one is owed anything when it comes to interest. Everyone is entitled to their preferences--be it looks or character. The sooner you make peace with that, the happier your life will be.

Edited April 7, 2016 by kendahke

[hawx79]

You are guaranteeing that will happen by lying about your looks. You have a far better chance of romantic feelings developing if the woman doesn't feel you've been purposely deceiving her from the start. That speaks to a character issue--that you'd lie to manipulate a reaction out of them and more than anything--more than your looks--that is off-putting when one realizes they've been played falsely and on purpose--with intent.

 

Let's say one of the women you're talking to is sending lovely pictures of a woman around the age of 25. She's petite, long hair, gorgeous smile. You and she have done the pen pal thing for 3 months and you're finally ready to meet her. You go to meet her and a 45 yr old 6'0 tall, heavy woman with a bad hair style and rotten teeth shows up. She really likes you online and you said you liked her; she's developed romantic feelings for you. Do you feel you owe her a relationship just because she likes you and has developed romantic feelings for you?

 

No one is owed anything when it comes to interest. Everyone is entitled to their preferences--be it looks or character. The sooner you make peace with that, the happier your life will be.

 

 

First of all, I did not lie about anything, and I have posted 5 pictures, and only 1 of them is 3 years old, but it my favorite. And it's the first one they get to see. The other 4 were between 11 and 7 months.

My height and weight are all correct in my profile.

Don't call me a liar just because I am yet afraid to jump into the water sort of speak and extending the period to meet them just because of that.

I have been trying to gauge these women how much they like me and trying to convince myself to meet them but I am just to afraid of rejection since I also developed feelings for them and it would shatter if they reject me.

That's how it was at least. I am trying to change my way of thinking with the help of the replies here, but change doesn't come as easy as that.

[Zahara]

But say a woman really likes me online and even developed romantic feelings, could it easily all disappear or would it last when meeting face to face?

 

This happened to me once before when I was on OLD. When I finally met him after a long period of virtual communication, somehow I couldn't connect the image I had built and created in my head and heart based on his photos and conversations versus the image that was now sitting infront of me. Virtual and reality -- two different things. I felt deceived more than anything. I couldn't get over it and saw him in a different light.

 

You should not be dating. Until you fix your poor sense of value, you won't be successful in establishing and maintaining a healthy relationship. Dating should be fun -- it shouldn't wear you down this much and trigger such insecurities and anxieties.

 

What you fear the most is rejection and you're entering an arena where rejection is highly inevitable. You're only going to keep triggering your demon and making yourself feel worse about who you believe you are.

Edited April 7, 2016 by Zahara

[hawx79]

This happened to me once before when I was on OLD. When I finally met him after a long period of virtual communication, somehow I couldn't connect the image I had built and created in my head and heart based on his photos and conversations versus the image that was now sitting infront of me. Virtual and reality -- two different things. I felt deceived more than anything. I couldn't get over it and saw him in a different light.

 

You should not be dating. Until you fix your poor sense of value, you won't be successful in establishing and maintaining a healthy relationship. Dating should be fun -- it shouldn't wear you down this much and trigger such insecurities and anxieties.

 

What you fear the most is rejection and you're entering an arena where rejection is highly inevitable. You're only going to keep triggering your demon and making yourself feel worse about who you believe you are.

 

I am trying to train my mind to have a more relaxed approach to it and telling myself even if she rejects, at least I tried and wont be alone and old without regret.

[Zahara]

I am trying to train my mind to have a more relaxed approach to it and telling myself even if she rejects, at least I tried and wont be alone and old without regret.

 

But don't you think it's unfair to those coming to the table with certain expectations, readily available emotionally and mentally while you're battling your inability to be completely present and honest to them?

 

If you're going to work on your issues, don't do it on someone else's time.

 

Now I want to continue chatting with them and I like how they are beginning to feel romantically towards me but I don't intend to meet them anytime soon. I hope I will be able to raise my courage someday, but to be honest I don't think it will.

 

Four days ago you already made your mind up to go down the path of least resistance. You already decided in your mind you will never be courageous. How is that trying to train your brain when you're already reverting?

Edited April 7, 2016 by Zahara

[thefooloftheyear]

Sounds more like a flounder......but what do I know?

 

 

TFY

[kendahke]

First of all, I did not lie about anything, and I have posted 5 pictures, and only 1 of them is 3 years old, but it my favorite. And it's the first one they get to see. The other 4 were between 11 and 7 months.

 

Oh, my bad--because the second sentence in your very first post on this thread said:

So I am on a online dating site, using my own profile with 5 pictures that are truly me from 3 years ago.

[SugarLips72]

Take your own (and our) advice. Don't take it too serious. Have fun. Get used the fact you probably will be rejected, and also do some rejecting. You kind of have to have a thick skin to online date and to date in general because you really don't know someone until you've met them in person and have spent time with them, and not just chatting over the internet.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am trying to train my mind to have a more relaxed approach to it and telling myself even if she rejects, at least I tried and wont be alone and old without regret.