ShatteredLady Posted March 30, 2016 Share Posted March 30, 2016 Quote - "She may be hesitant to kiss or cuddle you because then she's afraid you'll want sex." Another idea I've heard works is setting a day (say Saturday) & that's the ONLY night that you ever have sex. It doesn't matter how much you or her get turned-on kissing & cuddling...NO SEX! The idea is that it makes her really comfortable 'playing' & being affectionate because she looses the fear that even a little kiss will make you want sex. It's only natural that snuggling, bathing, kissing etc. will make her find her libido 'safely' & actually lead to sexual frustration. She will end-up wanting Saturday night to come around! Women new to sex often find orgasms easier through foreplay. We're all guessing at what her issues are. I'll be honest...when I first had sex it hurt! Neither of us were experienced. It was the biggest disappointment of my life! I couldn't understand why any women liked it! You live & learn 3 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted March 30, 2016 Share Posted March 30, 2016 The fact that she kept sex until marriage makes me think she has strong religious or moral views about the topic. Is it possible she's carting around baggage about sex being sinful or dirty? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted March 30, 2016 Share Posted March 30, 2016 If I'd waited until my wedding night to loose my virginity I would of been horrified! I can't be the only woman in the world who took a little patience & playing around to find my groove! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 I give up relatively easily because quite frankly I feel embarrassed. Kissing on her and touching her with no response. Just a stone cold stare at the TV. For me to continue, it feels kind of like I'm forcing myself on her. Why would the TV still be on ? Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Who_took_my_name Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 Wish I could help but you could be describing my love life, or lack of. My wife had PND after our first and in many ways she's never been the same since, with intimacy (not just sex) being a key driver of it. I've tried raising it, complaining about it, seducing her, flirting, just grabbing her (that sounds wrong) but nothing works. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Liam1 Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 Wish I could help but you could be describing my love life, or lack of. My wife had PND after our first and in many ways she's never been the same since, with intimacy (not just sex) being a key driver of it. I've tried raising it, complaining about it, seducing her, flirting, just grabbing her (that sounds wrong) but nothing works. This is a very common complaint at my Beyond Affairs Network (BAN) meeting. Women tend to be NOT as interested in sex as men. It's likely testosterone that fuels a man's higher sex drive. There are some women with high sex drives, but it is still mostly men complaining that there wives who were once interested in sex, seem to have lost interest. I don't think they suddenly lost attraction to the husband, they just lost their sex drive. Even when women have affairs, it's typically not about the sex, typically they are looking for someone who pays more attention to them. Most women, but of course not all, rarely have sex with an AP without being in love with their affair partners to some degree. Most men, but of course not all, have an affair for sex not love. Link to post Share on other sites
Noideanow Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 Considering the women (and men) i see on the streets they probably didnt lose it but never had it (at least not for the opposite gender) and they just got tired of faking it- and why continue now youre married and they know you wont leave\\ i think a lot of straight men are married to a closeted lesbian woman and they want for that woman to want them, otherwise they think of themselves as unattractive, afterall shes a straight woman so if im sexy she must want me, and some never give up that fight/ i think many men are wasted that way:o but again who am i to say you dont gain something from them:o probably she has the characteristics of a very confident strong leadertype that you can lean on because she takes and wants control and is thriving being dominant"" just my crap poluting your minds;) Link to post Share on other sites
Who_took_my_name Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 @Liam1 I see your point but it's not just about sex, see my longer introductory post. Sometimes it's just about acknowledgement of being more than the other parent. I agree that, in some cases, men and women see / want / need sex differently but surely at a basic level it's part of human nature. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 i think a lot of straight men are married to a closeted lesbian woman and they want for that woman to want them, otherwise they think of themselves as unattractive, afterall shes a straight woman so if im sexy she must want me, and some never give up that fight/ i think many men are wasted that way:o Interesting theory. Only a lack of veracity and facts holding you back... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Noideanow Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 Interesting theory. Only a lack of veracity and facts holding you back... Mr. Lucky Yeah that usually the way it is with the good stuff;) the facts one has to see for himself i guess thats why we all have eyes:o to go where no One has walked there is no foodsteps to follow/ i know as the Man you are you want facts:)but as a woman i cant give them, intiuition and feeling i guess:o but not good enough i know;) maybe try Google it for some facts-/ 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Liam1 Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 @Liam1 I see your point but it's not just about sex, see my longer introductory post. Sometimes it's just about acknowledgement of being more than the other parent. I agree that, in some cases, men and women see / want / need sex differently but surely at a basic level it's part of human nature. I agree with your post. There are many reasons people have affairs. Lack of intimacy from their spouse, being treated disrespectfully by their spouse, being ignored or belittled....etc. I am not judging, just musing. Link to post Share on other sites
Dolfin80 Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 Yeah that usually the way it is with the good stuff;) the facts one has to see for himself i guess thats why we all have eyes:o to go where no One has walked there is no foodsteps to follow/ i know as the Man you are you want facts:)but as a woman i cant give them, intiuition and feeling i guess:o but not good enough i know;) maybe try Google it for some facts-/ I think there's a lot of truth in what you say because I can only orgasm with a man whilst I'm thinking of a women, yet I have only ever fallen in love with men and dated men. So for me love and sexuality are 2 different things. I wonder how many women are out there like me, probably a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
Noideanow Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 I think there's a lot of truth in what you say because I can only orgasm with a man whilst I'm thinking of a women, yet I have only ever fallen in love with men and dated men. So for me love and sexuality are 2 different things. I wonder how many women are out there like me, probably a lot. Thank you there were a Little facts;, when you say fallen in love with men, is it everything about them you fall in love with, how would you describe what you experience- "falling in love" Link to post Share on other sites
Dolfin80 Posted April 1, 2016 Share Posted April 1, 2016 Thank you there were a Little facts;, when you say fallen in love with men, is it everything about them you fall in love with, how would you describe what you experience- "falling in love" My last relationship went like this. I liked him for a year before we went on a date. I was sexually attracted to him (masterbated over him). He always bought me presents for numerous years. We worked together for 5 years, we were work friends. Then we went on a date to the easter show. It was a great day. We then went on a movie date a week later. We then went for a walk along the beach, we kissed under the moonlight. We then went on more dates and we would spend weekends together. He was very loving, kind and thoughtful towards me, we supported each other at work and out of work. I always loved him as a friend but loved him more when we started dating. We both fell in love with each other and planned a future together. We were together for 2 years until he took up a lectureship at a uni in another country. It was a 24hr flight for us too see each other. I went to his country a few times but didnt like the climate. Link to post Share on other sites
Noideanow Posted April 1, 2016 Share Posted April 1, 2016 (edited) I think there's a lot of truth in what you say because I can only orgasm with a man whilst I'm thinking of a women, yet I have only ever fallen in love with men and dated men. So for me love and sexuality are 2 different things. I wonder how many women are out there like me, probably a lot. My last relationship went like this. I liked him for a year before we went on a date. I was sexually attracted to him (masterbated over him). He always bought me presents for numerous years. We worked together for 5 years, we were work friends. Then we went on a date to the easter show. It was a great day. We then went on a movie date a week later. We then went for a walk along the beach, we kissed under the moonlight. We then went on more dates and we would spend weekends together. He was very loving, kind and thoughtful towards me, we supported each other at work and out of work. I always loved him as a friend but loved him more when we started dating. We both fell in love with each other and planned a future together. We were together for 2 years until he took up a lectureship at a uni in another country. It was a 24hr flight for us too see each other. I went to his country a few times but didnt like the climate.[/ Words can be very grateful, what i meant was more if you were truly in love or just wanting to be therefore telling youself, i just have experienced this behavior with a lot of men desparately wanting and pretenfing to Be straight yet it was obvious that it was all talk and not their actual feelings:o eventhough it was confusing because they can be danm good actors:confused: Edited April 1, 2016 by Noideanow Link to post Share on other sites
Dolfin80 Posted April 1, 2016 Share Posted April 1, 2016 (edited) Words can be very grateful, what i meant was more if you were truly in love or just wanting to be therefore telling youself, i just have experienced this behavior with a lot of men desparately wanting and pretenfing to Be straight yet it was obvious that it was all talk and not their actual feelings:o eventhough it was confusing because they can be danm good actors:confused: Are you serious? I've never met anyone who pretends to be in love. Sounds really bloody silly to me. what's the point of that - you're wasting your valuable short life. Edited April 1, 2016 by Dolfin80 Link to post Share on other sites
Noideanow Posted April 1, 2016 Share Posted April 1, 2016 Are you serious? I've never met anyone who pretends to be in love. Sounds really bloody silly to me. what's the point of that - you're wasting your valuable short life. it happens all the time im affraid:o yeah i also think its a waste:confused: Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted April 1, 2016 Share Posted April 1, 2016 Nony101, I'm sorry to hear you're in this situation, it sounds hurtful and frustrating. IMO it's more about respect and less about sex. She seems to have entitlement issues and no respect for you. Does she go to work by any chance, or does she lounge around all day "not feeling well"? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Phoenician Posted April 1, 2016 Share Posted April 1, 2016 (edited) guys , may be op is coming like me from an environment were Sex is considered as a duty ; the geographic location is irrelevent , the close social/religious boundaries are the key factor that enrich the feeling in females that sex is bad even after marriage . also ,Not all couples are lucky to have sex before marriage in many societies. OP , I have been on this ship for more than 18 years dedication with kids and family , spoiling the pricess ,until becoming a doormat ,finally at age of 44 I am getting a better life ! I strongly beleieve that one of the following is true : Problem : -She married for social security . -She is not sexual from the begining ,duty concept pushed her to do sex before more often maybe . -Social/cultural/religious constraints enrich her Borderline traits . -and she is like my wife , a lazy princess. Solution : You and her if you stay married will go through the following stages : -learning . -Suffering. -Expressing yourself. you are toggling between learning and suffering ; the solutions will appear only when you become mature enough to express. the cycle might take years , but to speed it up you can do the following . -stress on the fact that your both sexual satisfaction is mandatory for marriage ; don't let her bluff with the idea "do it and don't care about me ". be open in telling her all your feelings ; but be careful and never do this : -no gazlightning/threatening ; for ex if you threaten that u might cheat and you don't you will loose , and if you cheat also you loose. -get out of the jar, by having your own hobbies friends from both genders ; and don't let her control you in whom you go out with ; still assuring that you are the strong man who will not cheat . I am not sure if what I do is considered cheating or not ; but i go out with old friends more than once per week ; we dance , hug , enjoy time play ; no sex directly involved , but some cuddling / playing takes place ; its a very risky situation . the fact that she knows I am doing all this without fear ; but I don't let her control my details ; is changing her from asexual to extreemly sexual ; however she goes into cycles of low desires . my wife by now she knows that I don't cheat , but jealous of the good company I have . she is now facing a confident man , who can do whatever he wants but who doesn't want to cheat ; so she starts convincing herself that it is because I love her ; this makes her sexually crazy ! Edited April 1, 2016 by Phoenician Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted April 1, 2016 Share Posted April 1, 2016 Ask her how you can be better in bed for her. Tell her you want to be. Ask her this more than once (even if she says you're fine, ask again another time). See if she eventually opens up and tells you something. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted April 4, 2016 Share Posted April 4, 2016 Ask her how you can be better in bed for her. Tell her you want to be. Ask her this more than once (even if she says you're fine, ask again another time). See if she eventually opens up and tells you something. That sounds good in theory but rarely if ever works in practice. When someone does not respect their partner and is not attracted to them, they don't want that person touching them or sexing them AT ALL. It's not a technique issue. It's not like they will say that they want them to suck on their pinky toe and everything will be alright. When someone is not attractors to somebody, their only answer to that question that they can think of is - "become someone else." Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted April 6, 2016 Share Posted April 6, 2016 That sounds good in theory but rarely if ever works in practice. When someone does not respect their partner and is not attracted to them, they don't want that person touching them or sexing them AT ALL. It's not a technique issue. It's not like they will say that they want them to suck on their pinky toe and everything will be alright. When someone is not attractors to somebody, their only answer to that question that they can think of is - "become someone else." We don't know if it's because of technique or because she's not attracted to him anymore. He would have to eliminate the technique possibility first, and some people are too afraid to tell their partner that they don't enjoy sex with them due to technique. Egos are challenging to deal with, and so is shyness. There also could be evolving sexual fantasies too (they like things now that they never liked in the past). I would try to eliminate technique first before jumping to a lack of sexual attraction. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nony101 Posted July 5, 2016 Author Share Posted July 5, 2016 I'm back, and if any of you recognize my name and my posts, you'll probably have a good idea why. Long story short, my wife was predictably "sick" or "not feeling well" gradually more and more after we were married. I didn't think much of it at first and took care of her, being a new husband. I'm starting to see now that I was feeding into a trap, to see how much she could get away with. She spends hours every night watching TV. From the time she gets home, she becomes ill and literally spends the rest of the evening watching TV. She works a few different jobs here and there, but was knocked from full-time to part-time at her primary job because she was not meeting her hours. Consequently, she lost her amazing health benefits at a very inopportune time, and had to be put on mine. A few months ago, she came to me and told me she was pregnant. Side note: it just goes to show that it doesn't take much, not like you have to have sex a ton to have a baby, one time is all it takes. I was kind of enjoying the amount of sex we were having off her birth control, and thought it might have just been the hormones that were messing with her all this time that attributed to an EXTREMELY low libido (2 times every 3 months). Turns out (although she told me differently) it was just because she wanted a baby, really badly. We're now back to our abysmal boring sex life, and we've had sex maybe twice since she told me (about 3 months ago). I'm really excited to be a Dad, but my heart kind of sank when she told me because I can't help but think I'm going to be doing this on my own. I read all of these posts about men in my similar situation and just start having an anxiety attack because their situation is SO similar to my own. She does jack **** around the house, and it's even worse now that she's pregnant (although honestly now though she is very sick). It's hard for me to be super sympathetic with her when she gets sick because of all the "fake" times before where she's been "sick" just to get out of doing stuff like making dinner. Quick story: we had a family gathering at our house. Certain guests were asking where things were in our kitchen. She didn't have a clue where anything was... In our own kitchen... She's lived here for years. Everyone just ended up coming to me to find utensils and bowls and stuff. You'd think that would kind of make her realize, but nope. I'm not trying to say it's her "domain" or anything, but I'd say our mentality about gender-roles is very traditional (for as little/nothing as she does). I don't mind doing stuff around the house, it was never about that. It's just that I'm starting to get pissed off when she doesn't do ANYTHING, but make sure our cable TV is still functioning. TLDR; You could call my wife lazy. She's now pregnant. I fear I'm going to have to raise this child on my own, because my wife doesn't do anything around the house right now as it is. What can I do to get her to start pulling some weight around here without making her feel like a child? Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted July 5, 2016 Share Posted July 5, 2016 What can I do to get her to start pulling some weight around here without making her feel like a child? I'm sorry, but I don't think you can. You have enabled her into the perfect situation for her to the extent that it is now intolerable for you. Short of counseling and not doing anything for her, I don't see this ending well... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nony101 Posted July 5, 2016 Author Share Posted July 5, 2016 I'm sorry, but I don't think you can. You have enabled her into the perfect situation for her to the extent that it is now intolerable for you. Short of counseling and not doing anything for her, I don't see this ending well... I've brought up counseling before, but she didn't seem to keen. I think she likes to pretend that everything is fine. Honestly, from her point of view, everything IS fine. I'm sure I'd be fine with being waited on, get sex whenever I wanted it, etc. Sounds like I just need to stop goofing around and really put some effort into seeking out a counselor before the baby arrives. Link to post Share on other sites
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