Why Happy Couples Cheat

[SammySammy]

Excellent TED talk, by the way. I could relate to everything she said.

 

My perspective on relationships has changed due to my experiences. Knowing we can never be everything to our partners and the excitement that exists outside a relationship has made me question the necessity of having a defined, committed relationship at all.

[wmacbride]

Hey Rob,

Perhaps they were content or ok but they weren't happy...at least with themselves. There are men and women who cheat because there is something very broken inside of them, something that a marriage isn't going to fix. I doubt people who cheat are happy with themselves. There is something they seek which is usually worth and value that they can't give themselves so they seek it from external forces.

There are a few of us, married people, who actually would never think of cheating because we are integrous, honorable, adjusted, healthy individuals in love with our best friends and having amazing daily sex with the person we most lust after...our wives. I don't think I'm an anomaly in getting the girl who is everything to me, I just think some people take that girl for granted or refuse to fix their own personality and selfishness disorders so it distorts or colors their marriages.

My wife once told me to please let her know if I felt I needed someone else in my bed as she would make room for her by getting out of our house. I have never felt something so vile in my stomach as thinking of what kind of man would do that to the person they committed to share their life with. It is beyond me how anyone can do that. I honestly find cheating to be so reprehensible that I have let friends go who became that kind of man. I have no tolerance for cheaters. Too many people do.

There are articles these days for every view out there, but I don't think happy people in general cheat unless they are they are sexually hypergamous or they have made a commitment they never understood or wanted.

Best,

G

 

I don't know why the op assumes that the only reason people cheat is because of sex. People cheat for all sorts of reasons, many of them related to issues within themselves.

 

My spouse cheated because he was broken in way that had zero to do with me. He said this, our therapist said this, as did his psychiatrist, psychologist and counselors as well. I could have been the perfect combination of porn star, Martha Stewart and looked like a fashion model, and it wouldn't have mattered.

 

The counselor we saw together explained that his cheating was both a form of self medication, self punishment and running form things he didn't feel he could face. Whether he stayed with me or moved on, that wouldn't change what was going on inside of him.

 

He had to do that himself, and it was extremely painful and took a huge amount of courage to do so.

[singlelife]

they want some variety.

[Rejected Rosebud]

If I didn't have a sex life I wouldn't be happily married.

 

There are women who love sex, so when a man who had a wife who didn't extrapolates that to all of us, it's pretty unintelligent.

 

 

There are also women who love sex but are so miserable in their marriage that they can't stand to be intimate with their husband. I'm sure it works the other way around as well. Not happy, either way. Cheating would still be wrong though it's easier to understand why it would be more difficult to resist temptation.

[JohnAdams]

Quotes that caught my attention

But the truth is that I have noticed that quite a lot of people who have affairs may feel terribly guilty for hurting their partner, but they don't feel guilty for the experience of the affair itself.

 

The victim of an affair is not always the victim of the marriage

 

Now, there are three ways that I think infidelity hurts differently today. We have a romantic ideal in which we turn to one person to fulfill an endless list of needs: to be my greatest lover, my best friend, the best parent, my trusted confidant, my emotional companion, my intellectual equal. And I am it: I'm chosen, I'm unique, I'm indispensable, I'm irreplaceable, I'm the one. And infidelity tells me I'm not. It is the ultimate betrayal. Infidelity shatters the grand ambition of love. But if throughout history, infidelity has always been painful, today it is often traumatic, because it threatens our sense of self.

 

 

 

I just watched the video. I thought it was very good, but came away with a different perspective than you. Not that I am right and you are wrong or vice versa just interesting the different takes.

 

 

 

 

On the bolded part, she says a crucial step needed to heal infidelity is sorrow and remorse. She states that often a partner is sorry for hurting their spouse but not for doing it. This she insinuates is a lack of remorse. Until the unfaithful partner can reach a point that they also despise the experience, they have not reached remorse.

 

 

She also ends with the fact that many marriages can eventually become stronger. She states your first marriage is over, are you ready to start a second marriage.

 

 

It was a good video that gave a good perspective. Thanks for posting it.

[Gloria25]

Ok, how can a couple be "happy" if they're not having sex?

 

Yes, that's probably why in affairs a person feels "alive".

 

Sex is how we literally "connect" in the deepest and vulnerable and intimate way with someone...Also, through swx, procreation takes place.

 

Even in combat some guys get hardons. Some people facing and/or coming out of near death experiences get horny....there's just a link between sex and our sense of vitality.

 

Man, like Shakira in Empire, if a guy's doing it right you'lll be like woooooooo!!!

 

So, yes, some couples settle for being "friends" and/or roommates and if that makes them "happy" then more power to them. But me, I rather be burning up the sheets and/or romantic with my man. Expose one of those people in a boring RL to some passion....

[2.50 a gallon]

Of the married women that I have shared my bed with, there were a few who were quite happy in their marriage and their sex life.

But as singlelife suggested they just wanted to try something different, some times just once.

For some it opened the gates and let out the bad or naughty girl personality that she kept hidden from her husband, and they would participate in acts that they had long denied their husband out of fear that their husbands would think less of them.

Also those marriages that had kids, they had to be careful to not wake the kids, so this was their chance to scream and holler and let it all out.

As for strengthening marriages, yes indeed, it did happen, as they finally had the guts to try these acts with their husbands.

And also out of fear that their long denied husbands, might step across the line and also find out exciting and even addictive cheating sex can be

[Liam1]

So you don't allow for moments of weakness?

 

 

You should watch the video. People often cheat because they feel dead inside and they are trying to recapture something lost. Often the death of a parent or loved one happened recently. But it doesn't necessarily mean that they don't love their spouse.

 

 

She talks about passion having a shelf life and how marriage can be reborn. You don't necessarily continue with the same marriage, rather a new one with a deeper understanding of each other. I can completely see that.

 

If you can't forgive someone then I don't think you really love them. That is ego, not love.

 

Excellent point.

 

If you love someone how is it possible to simply divorce and walk away simply because of infidelity.

 

When we first married, my wife and I had an amazing sex life, Then for no health reason, my wife decided that sex was no longer important to a marriage. She laughed off my desire for it and literally called me a pervert for wanting sex.

 

For ten years, she refused counseling. I finally took up one of the numerous offers from other woman to engage in an affair. After being hit on by women for years, and after ten years of no sex life......well yeah, I was tempted.

 

I never lied to my wife about my whereabouts because I never had to. She never asked where I was because she was off doing her own thing.

 

My affair was a wake up call to both my wife and me and now as your quoted author said, our marriage is reborn. It is better than ever, with a much deeper intimacy now than before the affair.

 

My wife still has a relatively low sex drive, but I am good with quality sex about once a month. Marriage is about compromise, and if you love someone you are willing to compromise, IMO.

 

We also spent a lot more time together. We make each other a priority.

 

Had my wife agreed to my repeated requests for counseling to discuss her refusal to have sex at least once per month, perhaps we would have gotten to a reborn marriage without my affair.

 

But my wife refused counseling.

 

The affair was the impetus that woke her up to the fact that she.....we, needed counseling.

 

The affair literally breathed new life into my marriage. My affair saved my marriage.

 

For those who say I should have divorce my wife and walked away.

 

Well, that would have ENDED my marriage. The affair saved it. I don't regret having the affair.

Edited March 30, 2016 by Liam1

[Mrs. John Adams]

I just watched the video. I thought it was very good, but came away with a different perspective than you. Not that I am right and you are wrong or vice versa just interesting the different takes.

 

 

 

 

On the bolded part, she says a crucial step needed to heal infidelity is sorrow and remorse. She states that often a partner is sorry for hurting their spouse but not for doing it. This she insinuates is a lack of remorse. Until the unfaithful partner can reach a point that they also despise the experience, they have not reached remorse.

 

 

She also ends with the fact that many marriages can eventually become stronger. She states your first marriage is over, are you ready to start a second marriage.

 

 

It was a good video that gave a good perspective. Thanks for posting it.

 

Mr adams..

 

I remember saying to you shortly after my affair... I did it for me. I was sorry for hurting you but I was not sorry I did it.

 

As I have grown to understand true remorse... I can see why for so many years you felt remorse was not present. Because it reality... It wasn't.

 

You cannot be remorseful if you do not hate the wrong you committed.

[purplesorrow]

Excellent point.

 

If you love someone how is it possible to simply divorce and walk away simply because of infidelity.

 

When we first married, my wife and I had an amazing sex life, Then for no health reason, my wife decided that sex was no longer important to a marriage. She laughed off my desire for it and literally called me a pervert for wanting sex.

 

For ten years, she refused counseling. I finally took up one of the numerous offers from other woman to engage in an affair. After being hit on by women for years, and after ten years of no sex life......well yeah, I was tempted.

 

I never lied to my wife about my whereabouts because I never had to. She never asked where I was because she was off doing her own thing.

 

My affair was a wake up call to both my wife and me and now as your quoted author said, our marriage is reborn. It is better than ever, with a much deeper intimacy now than before the affair.

 

My wife still has a relatively low sex drive, but I am good with quality sex about once a month. Marriage is about compromise, and if you love someone you are willing to compromise, IMO.

 

We also spent a lot more time together. We make each other a priority.

 

Had my wife agreed to my repeated requests for counseling to discuss her refusal to have sex at least once per month, perhaps we would have gotten to a reborn marriage without my affair.

 

But my wife refused counseling.

 

The affair was the impetus that woke her up to the fact that she.....we, needed counseling.

 

The affair literally breathed new life into my marriage. My affair saved my marriage.

 

For those who say I should have divorce my wife and walked away.

 

Well, that would have ENDED my marriage. The affair saved it. I don't regret having the affair.

 

I guess it goes both ways. If you really love someone, how can you simply betray them and cheat on them simply because of no sex?

[Liam1]

Rob, I hate to pick up on you but care to elaborate this one ? How the loss of a relative can make someone more likely to cheat?

 

Hi Shanex:

 

If you talk to an infidelity counselor of even just to a search engine search on infidelity, you will see that this is true.

 

People often cheat during times of crisis or transitional phases,

 

A few examples of vulnerable stages in a person's life may be:

 

1 - Death of a parent

 

2 - Job promotion with increased responsibilities.

 

3 - birth of a child

 

4 - diagnosis of cancer or other serious disease or disorder.

 

Why?

 

Because they feel the need to feel more alive at those stages and transitions in life.

[Liam1]

I guess it goes both ways. If you really love someone, how can you simply betray them and cheat on them simply because of no sex?

 

 

Because having sex with another person doesn't end the marriage.

 

You are assuming that infidelity is as traumatic to everyone as you feel it is.

 

But as has been noted, it is not. Some people take in it stride.

 

Also, as has been mentioned there are cultural differences that make infidelity more acceptable in many countries and cultures for both men and women.

 

Some people claim infidelity is immoral, but by whose standard of morality?

 

Thinking that way is very insular.

 

My wife is Buddhist and she has said that infidelity just for sex, was not a big issue.

 

For her, having an affair as a way to meet someone else, fall in love, and exit the marriage would have traumatized her.

 

Everyone is different.

 

My wife is like: Oh you had an affair to get sex? Pffft. We can fix that.

 

Now, she realizes that sex is an important and NATURAL component of a marriage, barring serious illness or injury.

 

My affair saved our marriage.

 

A divorce would have simply ended it.

[purplesorrow]

Because having sex with another person doesn't end the marriage.

 

You are assuming that infidelity is as traumatic to everyone as you feel it is.

 

But as has been noted, it is not. Some people take in it stride.

 

Also, as has been mentioned there are cultural differences that make infidelity more acceptable in many countries and cultures for both men and women.

 

Some people claim infidelity is immoral, but by whose standard of morality?

 

Thinking that way is very insular.

 

My wife is Buddhist and she has said that infidelity just for sex, was not a big issue.

 

For her, having an affair as a way to meet someone else, fall in love, and exit the marriage would have traumatized her.

 

Everyone is different.

 

My wife is like: Oh you had an affair to get sex? Pffft. We can fix that.

 

Now, she realizes that sex is an important and NATURAL component of a marriage, barring serious illness or injury.

 

My affair saved our marriage.

 

A divorce would have simply ended it.

So who are you to say then that I didn't really love my ex because I divorced over his affair? To some people like me, it is that traumatic.

[Liam1]

It may happen in such a way that no lying is required. Say for example he or she is having an affair with someone at work, so explanations of time are never required.

 

 

That aside, do I take it that one lie ends a marriage? When you marry them, if they ever lie or deceive you its over? Say for example when you ask how he likes your new hair cut and he lies and says he likes it?

 

Well said.

 

A good example of lies told to spouse are about credit card expenditures. For example if woman buys a $200 cosmetic item or $200 pair of shoe and hides that from the spouse, is that a lie that warrants a divorce or counseling?

 

Seriously, it's a lie, so by those who believe the lies of infidelity are worse than the sex, and cause all the pain.... well than, I guess lying about a credit card purchase must be just and painful to those people.

[Liam1]

So who are you to say then that I didn't really love my ex because I divorced over his affair? To some people like me, it is that traumatic.

 

 

Purplecrow.

 

I have not even read all your posts, so I am not sure why you think I am addressing you, only.

 

Actually, my post is speaking in generalities. If I used the word you, it is meant as a collective you in a general sense.

 

It is not pointed at anyone in particular.

 

Personally, I don't know why you divorced your spouse, and I really don't even care.

 

If you felt the need to divorce, more power to you, and I hope you are happier now.

 

If someone feels an affair save their marriage, more power to them, too, right.

 

Fair is fair.

[Mrs. John Adams]

So who are you to say then that I didn't really love my ex because I divorced over his affair? To some people like me, it is that traumatic.

 

Ps... I think in most marriages... Infidelity is indeed extremely traumatic...it is the ultimate betrayal. I certainly don't think you are alone in your mindset.

[SammySammy]

A sexless marriage can be just as traumatic as an affair. Just as cruel, if not more so.

[Mrs. John Adams]

A sexless marriage can be just as traumatic as an affair. Just as cruel, if not more so.

 

I am sure it is... So is the answer to commit adultery?

[SammySammy]

I am sure it is... So is the answer to commit adultery?

 

Whether we agree or not, it often is a consequence. It happens. We see that story played out on this site all the time.

 

Yet, we demonize the adulterers while shrugging off the choice to deny a spouse affection and sex. The truth is both are harmful and how we address both determine whether the relationship is destroyed or rekindled.

 

They are equal in my view. The key is how we deal with them.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Whether we agree or not, it often is a consequence. It happens. We see that story played out on this site all the time.

 

Yet, we demonize the adulterers while shrugging off the choice to deny a spouse affection and sex. The truth is both are harmful and how we address both determine whether the relationship is destroyed or rekindled.

 

They are equal in my view. The key is how we deal with them.

 

I have great sympathy for those living in sexless marriages... I have great sympathy for those living in marriages where a spouse is afflicted with a dibilitating disease... Or mental breakdown... Etc.

 

I guess in my mind.. I keep returning to the vows taken and to me those vows mean we will remain faithful regardless of what tragedy may strike.

 

You understand I broke those very vows I am referring to... So I am not throwing stones.

 

 

I just cannot wrap my head around all the books I have read... All the forums I have participated in... That state an affair is the worst possible answer and cannot in any way save a marriage.

[wmacbride]

So who are you to say then that I didn't really love my ex because I divorced over his affair? To some people like me, it is that traumatic.

 

Sometimes love isn't enough:(

[wmacbride]

Hi Shanex:

 

If you talk to an infidelity counselor of even just to a search engine search on infidelity, you will see that this is true.

 

People often cheat during times of crisis or transitional phases,

 

A few examples of vulnerable stages in a person's life may be:

 

1 - Death of a parent

 

2 - Job promotion with increased responsibilities.

 

3 - birth of a child

 

4 - diagnosis of cancer or other serious disease or disorder.

 

Why?

 

Because they feel the need to feel more alive at those stages and transitions in life.

 

 

I was told by a counselor we saw who had dealt with dozens of cases of infidelity that in his expeirnce, many men cheat because they are bored or unhappy with themselves. Their wives could be porn stars and it wouldn't make one iota of difference.

 

The same true for the above situations. it's not about the bs it is about the ws and their mental state.

 

My question is if this is the case, then what, pray tell,is the bs's responsibility in all of this?

[wmacbride]

I am sure it is... So is the answer to commit adultery?

 

 

Personally, I would want my spouse to be affectionate and intimate what me because he loves me and he wants to, not because he is afraid that if he didn't, I would cheat on him.

 

Being intimate because you are afraid your spouse will cheat sounds repugnant to me.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Personally, I would want my spouse to be affectionate and intimate what me because he loves me and he wants to, not because he is afraid that if he didn't, I would cheat on him.

 

Being intimate because you are afraid your spouse will cheat sounds repugnant to me.

 

I would very much agree with you.

[health]

Sorry, I think I was thinking of Cambodia which claims near 80%.

Percentage of Men (by Country) Who Paid for Sex at Least Once: The Johns Chart - Legal Prostitution - ProCon.org

 

I know I saw one country that was estimated to be about 96%.. I thought it was Vietnam but I'm not seeing that now. The point is that this is primarily a function of culture. It is an ancient tradition. the oldest profession, and one that has been prominent in many cultures throughout history. When it comes to men, I firmly believe it is in our nature. Given the right circumstances almost all men would see a prostitute. And all men are subject to loneliness and life crises that can cause one to stray. If you think you are above this then you have a lot to learn. Everything you know and all that you believe about the ones you love can come crashing down in a torrent and change everything about your life.

 

 

 

I was married 25 years and went ten years without sex, and never cheated on my wife. So...

 

One member asked earlier if men who see prostitutes tend to be underachievers. Apparently she hasn't seen the going price for escorts. In fact the more successful a man is, the more likely he can afford to see an escort, and will. I know a guy who drops about $200-250K a year on escorts. And I strongly suspect that other men do this for the same reasons I do [i see sugar babies now]. It makes me feel alive, just as the speaker described about having an affair. To hold a gorgeous young beauty in your arms at my age is like drinking from the fountain of youth. It doesn't just make me feel younger. My health and everything about my life has dramatically improved since I started this.

 

 

She says that passion has a shelf life. Perhaps this includes the passion for life itself.

 

There's alot of backward things in culture though - like female circumcision. You believe it's in men's nature to use escorts I don't.

 

"And all men are subject to loneliness and life crises that can cause one to stray. If you think you are above this then you have a lot to learn."

 

You assume everyone goes down that path. I can quite easily say you have alot to learn about discipline and building a conscience. How old are you? I assume around your 50s-60s.

 

Would you tell a young man to go get a prostitue who was frustrated with not having sex for a while?

 

I know older people who would be angry/roll their eyes at that type of leadership.

 

"Everything you know and all that you believe about the ones you love can come crashing down in a torrent and change everything about your life.

 

 

"I was married 25 years and went ten years without sex, and never cheated on my wife. So..."

 

I ended a just about 6 year relationship - but my world didn't come crashing down - I chose to look at it like It was a lesson in loss and growth. I ended up moving up in my career, quitting alcohol and dating a yoga instructor

 

I applaud you for your long marriage, and hey I never reached your age - but still - isn't porn or visiting a strip club once in a while better than spending money on escorts?

 

"She says that passion has a shelf life. Perhaps this includes the passion for life itself."

 

If you are on the verge of losing passion in life in general, what advice can you give to those already deep in passion with life activities goals and passions?

 

In another post (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/sexual-reproductive-health-practices/528139-consolidated-discussion-paying-female-companionship-pro-s-cons-2.html) you said this

 

"I always get a kick out of people who give advice about escorts but have no idea what it is really like.

 

 

Answers should be qualified by:

1). I have been with escorts

or

2) I have no idea what I'm talking about but here's my opinion anyway... because I stayed at a Holiday Inn last night."

 

Again I disagree with you there. That's equivalent to saying crack cocaine is bad. Don't touch it. Okay smoke it so you can give really deep advice. You knew crack was bad. Now your an addict, you catch the consequences of that.

 

Basically you don't touch fire - cause you know you'll get burned.

 

Sure you're all about prostitutes and that life. Just please don't say that every man is hardwired to get into that lifestyle. There are conscience led men and people with bigger fish to fry.

 

Sorry for being harsh - but again - there was some 28 virgin kid who was considering self harm here - would you tell him to see an escort? I wouldn't. I'd tell him to read books, exercise and find a long lasting life passion elsewhere.

Edited March 30, 2016 by health