Tips on Working with ExMM and staying NC

[Kelley]

You are right I don't understand it I was just assuming that you just found a connection and love with a guy that happened to be married and the end goal was to make him yours. I never thought for a minute you just accepted that you would be the OW and that would be it. Regardless pain is pain and I'm sorry that anyone has to go through it, but sometimes you have to go through the pain to learn a valuable lesson, at least I have!

 

The dynamics of a affair are completely different to a normal relationship. Just because you work as a affair does not mean it could translate into a normal relationship. If you've never been in a affair you won't understand this

[Forever broken]

Initially I thought he cared. He treated me so well but the end was a bitter pill to swallow. I try not to think about the wonderful times we had together but rather focus on all the problems this affair brought me. It helps me remain no contact.

[DKT3]

You are right I don't understand it I was just assuming that you just found a connection and love with a guy that happened to be married and the end goal was to make him yours. I never thought for a minute you just accepted that you would be the OW and that would be it. Regardless pain is pain and I'm sorry that anyone has to go through it, but sometimes you have to go through the pain to learn a valuable lesson, at least I have!

 

Affairs aren't like normal relationships because they get stuck in the beginning stages. Secondly there is that drive, especially for woman, to get the AP to pick you. That is an added element that is rarely there in normal relationships. Mainly they are different, especially for women, because MM is a figment of the imagination, a creation where she has taken one part who he is and three parts fantasy, desire, passion and came up with amaz-man.

[imsosad]

I know what you mean.

I had a hard time with this as well. My AP treated me very well. Our relationship by itself was caring, warm,loving,gentle. He never did anything hurtful or demeaning.

I remember feeling torn between this warm feeling and all the pain I was feeling, I couldnt settle the two. Thing is, it's a multidimentional situation. Yes, he was great with me, but the context of the relationship is dysfunctional by definition. It involves lying, sneaking, torn loyalties, dishonesty and inevitable pain. I felt guilty, ashamed, frustrated,anxious,torn. I felt that way because while our dynamic was good, the context was screwed up.

It took me a long time to accept that these two concepts and conflicting emotion can coincide.

So yeah, you can loathe and regret the affair and still miss your AP.

[gettingstronger]

I feel like any relationship where someone has the "upper hand" is tough be it a friendship, work or romantic- his upper hand with you is "I am married", it gives him an excuse whenever he needs it for bad behaviors towards you-

I am a bit guilty of this as a BS in reconciliation, I have fallen back on the "well, I am super hurt" to justify some pretty crappy stuff I have said/done-Its not healthy-

[grassisorisntgreener]

When I was in my affair I felt like he was very kind and loving and I truly thought we would be together forever. Even when I would read here during the whole thing I would think "well I'm different because he isn't exactly married and it will be easy for him to leave his relationship once I leave.."

 

I left my marriage a year ago and will be divorced officially in January. He isn't even single yet. He stopped making time for me. He would text or send cards that said how much he loved me, but he didn't SHOW me. I would see him more when I was married and living with my husband and my 2 small children.

 

He still claims that he loves me and he just needs more time. I have lost all hope and luckily all feelings for him. You can only be treated like the last person on someones priority list for so long before you are done with it.

[MidnightBlue1980]

When I was in my affair I felt like he was very kind and loving and I truly thought we would be together forever. Even when I would read here during the whole thing I would think "well I'm different because he isn't exactly married and it will be easy for him to leave his relationship once I leave.."

 

I left my marriage a year ago and will be divorced officially in January. He isn't even single yet. He stopped making time for me. He would text or send cards that said how much he loved me, but he didn't SHOW me. I would see him more when I was married and living with my husband and my 2 small children.

 

He still claims that he loves me and he just needs more time. I have lost all hope and luckily all feelings for him. You can only be treated like the last person on someones priority list for so long before you are done with it.

 

Do you regret leaving your marriage?

I had wanted to end it but my H kept me here. Its almost a year later and I'm grateful I did not bail.

[anika99]

Affairs aren't like normal relationships because they get stuck in the beginning stages. Secondly there is that drive, especially for woman, to get the AP to pick you. That is an added element that is rarely there in normal relationships. Mainly they are different, especially for women, because MM is a figment of the imagination, a creation where she has taken one part who he is and three parts fantasy, desire, passion and came up with amaz-man.

 

But there are some elements of affairs that are very similar to any dysfunctional relationship. I spent 10 years madly in love with a personality disordered man and I feel like our relationship was very much like an affair. Extreme highs and lows, unbearable pain when he would leave during one of his episodes, euphoria when he would return. I kept taking him back (much to my family's horror) so I kept getting that honeymoon stage over and over again. Every break in our relationship caused me extreme anxiety and depression and my thoughts of him were obsessive.

 

I knew he wasn't good for me and that I needed to end it to save my own sanity but I couldn't because I was addicted to him. During the good times he would tell me I was the best thing that ever happened to him and he had never loved anyone as he loved me and I would bask in his adoration, but in the bad times he would have me going to ridiculous lengths to prove my loyalty and love to him. I accepted the unacceptable because I thought our love was unique and that we would overcome everything. I let him get away with crap I had never put up with before because I reasoned that he was mentally ill and therefore not in control of his behaviour.

 

I see a lot of OW and to some extent BS expressing the same feelings I felt in my crazy relationship. The same pain, the same mental and emotional dependence on an unhealthy relationship, the same delusions, and the same willingness to accept the unacceptable.

[DKT3]

But there are some elements of affairs that are very similar to any dysfunctional relationship. I spent 10 years madly in love with a personality disordered man and I feel like our relationship was very much like an affair. Extreme highs and lows, unbearable pain when he would leave during one of his episodes, euphoria when he would return. I kept taking him back (much to my family's horror) so I kept getting that honeymoon stage over and over again. Every break in our relationship caused me extreme anxiety and depression and my thoughts of him were obsessive.

 

I knew he wasn't good for me and that I needed to end it to save my own sanity but I couldn't because I was addicted to him. During the good times he would tell me I was the best thing that ever happened to him and he had never loved anyone as he loved me and I would bask in his adoration, but in the bad times he would have me going to ridiculous lengths to prove my loyalty and love to him. I accepted the unacceptable because I thought our love was unique and that we would overcome everything. I let him get away with crap I had never put up with before because I reasoned that he was mentally ill and therefore not in control of his behaviour.

 

I see a lot of OW and to some extent BS expressing the same feelings I felt in my crazy relationship. The same pain, the same mental and emotional dependence on an unhealthy relationship, the same delusions, and the same willingness to accept the unacceptable.

 

I can see that, however there are still huge differences between the two. 1) he chose you, there was no need for you to compare or out do another woman 2) you didn't risk another relationship to be with him.

 

The two things create this dynamic that MM is some kind of demigod. He has to be right? Why else would a woman compromise so much. If he isn't the greatest love of her life why would she risk her marriage, kids, lifestyle and in many cases her career (since the larger percentage of affairs are ones in the workplace). These two elements play a huge role in a WW's need and desire to over look the obvious short comings of MM. Also elements that don't exist in normal relationships.

 

It's also what makes it so hard to give it up, they aren't just giving up a very flawed, dishonest untrustworthy man, they also have to reconcile what he actually is compared to what they created. What they created between those ears is what they struggle to break free of. As they start to realize who he is vs what they created these is a sense of confusion and disappointment both in him and herself. Don't envy that position. I see my wife struggling with this now a decade later, not about him but her role and the impact it created.

[ladydesigner]

After the end of the affair, we are in pain, distress and angry etc...

 

And we secretly hope they come back or if we go back it comes back to the point of pain again.

 

I asked myself, is it really worth it, was I treated well by my MM and did he cared. No he had no care for my mental health being.

 

I will like to hear from other OW or OM if they were treated or cared for so well by their MM or MW. If not what keep us from wanting to relive this pain or grieving for something which is was not good in the first place.

 

(((123sadgirl))) I'm not sure anymore about these things, but when I see the lengths people go to for these A's I have got to think there is an element of caring there in the A bubble, especially with LTAs.

[grassisorisntgreener]

Do you regret leaving your marriage?

I had wanted to end it but my H kept me here. Its almost a year later and I'm grateful I did not bail.

 

No, that needed to happen. I was miserable with him. Once he found out, I thought maybe it would snap me out of a "fog" but I wasn't in one. He doesn't make me happy at all. We are friends and that is it.

[Chica80]

I know what you mean.

I had a hard time with this as well. My AP treated me very well. Our relationship by itself was caring, warm,loving,gentle. He never did anything hurtful or demeaning.

I remember feeling torn between this warm feeling and all the pain I was feeling, I couldnt settle the two. Thing is, it's a multidimentional situation. Yes, he was great with me, but the context of the relationship is dysfunctional by definition. It involves lying, sneaking, torn loyalties, dishonesty and inevitable pain. I felt guilty, ashamed, frustrated,anxious,torn. I felt that way because while our dynamic was good, the context was screwed up.

It took me a long time to accept that these two concepts and conflicting emotion can coincide.

So yeah, you can loathe and regret the affair and still miss your AP.

 

I understand this exactly!!! This is how i feel all of it.....I said this the other day. This is the healthiest dysfunctional relationship I know.

 

Yes the caring is there. Support and encouragement. When we have an argument we talk through it. If I'm upset or hurt about something we will discuss it. It's not just well that's how it is you have to accept it.

 

But the pain, the guilt is there too. How does this loving, caring dynamic surrounded by lies and guilt reconcile? I don't know they can't.

[Cyra]

But there are some elements of affairs that are very similar to any dysfunctional relationship. I spent 10 years madly in love with a personality disordered man and I feel like our relationship was very much like an affair. Extreme highs and lows, unbearable pain when he would leave during one of his episodes, euphoria when he would return. I kept taking him back (much to my family's horror) so I kept getting that honeymoon stage over and over again. Every break in our relationship caused me extreme anxiety and depression and my thoughts of him were obsessive.

 

I knew he wasn't good for me and that I needed to end it to save my own sanity but I couldn't because I was addicted to him. During the good times he would tell me I was the best thing that ever happened to him and he had never loved anyone as he loved me and I would bask in his adoration, but in the bad times he would have me going to ridiculous lengths to prove my loyalty and love to him. I accepted the unacceptable because I thought our love was unique and that we would overcome everything. I let him get away with crap I had never put up with before because I reasoned that he was mentally ill and therefore not in control of his behaviour.

 

I see a lot of OW and to some extent BS expressing the same feelings I felt in my crazy relationship. The same pain, the same mental and emotional dependence on an unhealthy relationship, the same delusions, and the same willingness to accept the unacceptable.

 

That is exactly what my relationship with MM was like

[MidnightBlue1980]

After the end of the affair, we are in pain, distress and angry etc...

 

And we secretly hope they come back or if we go back it comes back to the point of pain again.

 

I asked myself, is it really worth it, was I treated well by my MM and did he cared. No he had no care for my mental health being.

 

I will like to hear from other OW or OM if they were treated or cared for so well by their MM or MW. If not what keep us from wanting to relive this pain or grieving for something which is was not good in the first place.

 

Typically someone who stays in a bad relationship is playing out an unresolved issue from childhood. Did your parents treat you like crap and you never got to address it?

 

For me that is my story, there is something about me who is attracted to people who treat me like dirt. Or maybe it's human nature, who knows. It does make it easier to get over him, since he is a POS. You need to realize you deserve better.

 

The lack of self love is the root of all suffering.

[Cyra]

It's also what makes it so hard to give it up, they aren't just giving up a very flawed, dishonest untrustworthy man, they also have to reconcile what he actually is compared to what they created. What they created between those ears is what they struggle to break free of. As they start to realize who he is vs what they created these is a sense of confusion and disappointment both in him and herself. Don't envy that position. I see my wife struggling with this now a decade later, not about him but her role and the impact it created.

 

This is true, it has been the hardest part for me. I had 18 months that showed me what he was really like, yet the idealizedimage of him that my mind fabricated few months before the A stuck firmly. I have not managed to fully assimilate it yet, even now that it is over, I still default to that 'perfect man' image when I ruminate about things. I have to keep consciously reminding myself of what he really IS, rather than what I made him up to be.

[OneLov]

What upset me most why i will allow myself to still think he will come back and care about me.

 

And unfortunately this is what causes all the heartbreak you are enduring. Limerence is fueled by hope and attraction. The push-pull is what creates the hope. H/she loves me; s/he loves me not. The only way to get over him is to figuratively bury him in your heart so there is no hope. This is not easy and takes time to convince yourself.

 

Let's take the most well-known love story/tragedy in English literature--Romeo & Juliet. The physical attraction and impossibility of the consummation of the feelings (becoming a legitimate relationship) is what created those very intense emotions that led to the play's tragic ending.

 

Instead of the impossibility due to one being a Capulet and the other a Montague, in affairs, one (or both) AP is legally bound to another person. But the resulting extreme OCD-like emotions are the same. Most people describe this involuntary psychological state as "affair fog."

 

What breaks the psychological sleight-of-hand is making the decision to either: s***, or get off the pot. If you tell yourself, "I'll give it five more minutes," (aka, I will continue you to wait for you to leave your primary relationship), you are only making it harder and harder to break the cycle. Limerent thinking will only cause the emotions to become more intense. The vast majority of exit affairs that became legitimate relationships did not linger in the limerent stages of love.

 

If you subscribe to the triangular theory of love, commitment is one of the points that is needed to develop consummate love. Romantic love has an evolutionary advantage because it brings people together. The commitment is what allows for the consummation. That is why relationships that began as affairs do have a chance to flourish but there needs to be commitment to each other. The first step is being honest with yourself and everyone else about your relationship.

[DKT3]

And unfortunately this is what causes all the heartbreak you are enduring. Limerence is fueled by hope and attraction. The push-pull is what creates the hope. H/she loves me; s/he loves me not. The only way to get over him is to figuratively bury him in your heart so there is no hope. This is not easy and takes time to convince yourself.

 

Let's take the most well-known love story/tragedy in English literature--Romeo & Juliet. The physical attraction and impossibility of the consummation of the feelings (becoming a legitimate relationship) is what created those very intense emotions that led to the play's tragic ending.

 

Instead of the impossibility due to one being a Capulet and the other a Montague, in affairs, one (or both) AP is legally bound to another person. But the resulting extreme OCD-like emotions are the same. Most people describe this involuntary psychological state as "affair fog."

 

What breaks the psychological sleight-of-hand is making the decision to either: s***, or get off the pot. If you tell yourself, "I'll give it five more minutes," (aka, I will continue you to wait for you to leave your primary relationship), you are only making it harder and harder to break the cycle. Limerent thinking will only cause the emotions to become more intense. The vast majority of exit affairs that became legitimate relationships did not linger in the limerent stages of love.

 

If you subscribe to the triangular theory of love, commitment is one of the points that is needed to develop consummate love. Romantic love has an evolutionary advantage because it brings people together. The commitment is what allows for the consummation. That is why relationships that began as affairs do have a chance to flourish but there needs to be commitment to each other. The first step is being honest with yourself and everyone else about your relationship.

 

Ugh, I hate to say this cuz I don't want to make people mad, but the reason affair turned legitimate don't work (often) is because you have two emotionally immature selfish people with a healthy helping of entitlement. Had they had the tools to make an affair work then they would have displayed those tools in handling the relationship they left in a mature more healthy way, by admitting and facing the issues within that relationship instead of turning outside of it.

 

The rest I agree with.

[Lillyp32]

I understand this exactly!!! This is how i feel all of it.....I said this the other day. This is the healthiest dysfunctional relationship I know.

 

Yes the caring is there. Support and encouragement. When we have an argument we talk through it. If I'm upset or hurt about something we will discuss it. It's not just well that's how it is you have to accept it.

 

But the pain, the guilt is there too. How does this loving, caring dynamic surrounded by lies and guilt reconcile? I don't know they can't.

 

This was what my A was like too.

[123sadgirl]

After I wrote this post, we got back again but things were not the same. He stopped calling me as often as he used to. The only time we talk is when I call him.

 

About 4 weeks ago, he ended it again and that when I decided I will not be in this mess and pain anymore. I needed to break the addiction. We still work together in the same building; I email him that we cannot be friends, because I cannot come to his house for cup of tea or call him anytime, or help me when it needed as friends do. I do not want anything to do personally with him unless it work related, which hardly happens because we work in different departments.

 

One week later after ending it, he tried to make contact with me but I ignored him, I did not want to fall back into the pattern where he ends things and he makes little effort as in trying to talk with me and I go back being his cheap sex ****. I have not made any attempt or want to contact him.

 

It is really hard and painful using my head instead of my heart. My heart is really hurt because I think I really do like him and I miss him a lot. But I cannot be something he only wants to play with when he feels it time.

 

I hope and pray I can have the strength to move on. I really do. Some days are good and some bad, but urge to break NC passes away when it comes on very strong on the bad days.

 

I think of all the **** that was in the affair and it makes me strong. And I tell myself I am worth more than that and I need to respect myself.

 

It been a long journey...

[Lewhawk]

Early in the year you wanted to end this and not tell your husband, now it's Oct and the affair is still going strong. When will you allow your husband the truth he needs to find someone that actually wants to be with him?

[HeCantBreakMe]

After I wrote this post, we got back again but things were not the same. He stopped calling me as often as he used to. The only time we talk is when I call him.

 

About 4 weeks ago, he ended it again and that when I decided I will not be in this mess and pain anymore. I needed to break the addiction. We still work together in the same building; I email him that we cannot be friends, because I cannot come to his house for cup of tea or call him anytime, or help me when it needed as friends do. I do not want anything to do personally with him unless it work related, which hardly happens because we work in different departments.

 

One week later after ending it, he tried to make contact with me but I ignored him, I did not want to fall back into the pattern where he ends things and he makes little effort as in trying to talk with me and I go back being his cheap sex ****. I have not made any attempt or want to contact him.

 

It is really hard and painful using my head instead of my heart. My heart is really hurt because I think I really do like him and I miss him a lot. But I cannot be something he only wants to play with when he feels it time.

 

I hope and pray I can have the strength to move on. I really do. Some days are good and some bad, but urge to break NC passes away when it comes on very strong on the bad days.

 

I think of all the **** that was in the affair and it makes me strong. And I tell myself I am worth more than that and I need to respect myself.

 

It been a long journey...

 

Sadgirl- i just spent some time this morning reading through your post. We have a lot of commonalities. I was also in an affair though mine lasted a year. We both work together, we are both married and I also have 2 kids. THere was a lot of talk about a future together, something we both did, but where I was ready to jump the boat and make it reality I dont believe he ever would have done that. I tried ending the affair on a few occasions but one of us always broke contact and opened the door allowing the affair to continue - each time was more intense than the next. I wanted the affair over, it was destroying my life, my family, my sanity, my heart, my soul, you name it. He kept saying give him more time but i just couldn't take it anymore.

 

Then came the day i told my husband- i told him for a number of reasons but deep down i knew i was ready for something to change i just didn't know what at the time. Guess who ran the other way once my husband found out- you guessed MM. He ran away like his a** was on fire.

 

Telling my husband was the catalyst that i needed- the official kick in my own a** to wake me up and really force me to start making some choices.

 

Husband and are in R and going strong- some days suck balls other days are amazing. I am 2 months out of DD with hubby and i have completely ended the affair. I will be done with my job and putting in my resignation December 1st with or without another job- it just isn't worth my marriage. It isn't easy- there are still days i miss him but I am taking back control of my life and my emotions and that feels good.

 

I didn't realize how much my husband loved me or deserved to know the truth until i told him. During the affair you tell yourself so many lies so that you can reconcile what you are doing in your own head. Also, the affair itself is lived mostly in your head which is very dangerous until you start being authentic in the way you in live your life it becomes very difficult to move on and start making the right decisions.

 

I hope you are able to work through this and I would encourage you to consider what telling your husband the truth would look like for you. Don't be like MM be better than him. Start being better than the person you are being in the affair.

[123sadgirl]

Early in the year you wanted to end this and not tell your husband, now it's Oct and the affair is still going strong. When will you allow your husband the truth he needs to find someone that actually wants to be with him?

 

Lewhawk - no the affair is still not going on strong, it over.

[123sadgirl]

Sadgirl- i just spent some time this morning reading through your post. We have a lot of commonalities. I was also in an affair though mine lasted a year. We both work together, we are both married and I also have 2 kids. THere was a lot of talk about a future together, something we both did, but where I was ready to jump the boat and make it reality I dont believe he ever would have done that. I tried ending the affair on a few occasions but one of us always broke contact and opened the door allowing the affair to continue - each time was more intense than the next. I wanted the affair over, it was destroying my life, my family, my sanity, my heart, my soul, you name it. He kept saying give him more time but i just couldn't take it anymore.

 

Then came the day i told my husband- i told him for a number of reasons but deep down i knew i was ready for something to change i just didn't know what at the time. Guess who ran the other way once my husband found out- you guessed MM. He ran away like his a** was on fire.

 

Telling my husband was the catalyst that i needed- the official kick in my own a** to wake me up and really force me to start making some choices.

 

Husband and are in R and going strong- some days suck balls other days are amazing. I am 2 months out of DD with hubby and i have completely ended the affair. I will be done with my job and putting in my resignation December 1st with or without another job- it just isn't worth my marriage. It isn't easy- there are still days i miss him but I am taking back control of my life and my emotions and that feels good.

 

I didn't realize how much my husband loved me or deserved to know the truth until i told him. During the affair you tell yourself so many lies so that you can reconcile what you are doing in your own head. Also, the affair itself is lived mostly in your head which is very dangerous until you start being authentic in the way you in live your life it becomes very difficult to move on and start making the right decisions.

 

I hope you are able to work through this and I would encourage you to consider what telling your husband the truth would look like for you. Don't be like MM be better than him. Start being better than the person you are being in the affair.

 

HeCantBreakMe... Thank you so much for taking the time to write, I always read your posts and i have read your threads too. Your threads makes me feel i can do it too, and not go back into it again.

 

I have thought many times to confess the whole thing to my husband too, at least that will definitely closed the door. But I'm scared, and i feel it not fair to create pain for my family as i have already done. I feel bad, and my punishment is my silence in suffering alone.

 

I am seeing a counselor next week and i hope it help me work through this horrible part of my life.

 

The hard part is still working together as you know, the anxiety and the stress of seeing him everyday at work that makes me tired. I will not break NC but am I strong to resist if he does. I do not think he would because i have been so cold, it my way of keeping away. And it been 4 weeks of NC and I'm stronger than before.

 

Thank you again HeCantBreakMe, and I hope when you move on from your work place, you will be able to heal better and look back and smile how lucky you are that part of your life is over.xoxo

[MidnightBlue1980]

Sadgirl- i just spent some time this morning reading through your post. We have a lot of commonalities. I was also in an affair though mine lasted a year. We both work together, we are both married and I also have 2 kids. THere was a lot of talk about a future together, something we both did, but where I was ready to jump the boat and make it reality I dont believe he ever would have done that. I tried ending the affair on a few occasions but one of us always broke contact and opened the door allowing the affair to continue - each time was more intense than the next. I wanted the affair over, it was destroying my life, my family, my sanity, my heart, my soul, you name it. He kept saying give him more time but i just couldn't take it anymore.

 

Then came the day i told my husband- i told him for a number of reasons but deep down i knew i was ready for something to change i just didn't know what at the time. Guess who ran the other way once my husband found out- you guessed MM. He ran away like his a** was on fire.

 

Telling my husband was the catalyst that i needed- the official kick in my own a** to wake me up and really force me to start making some choices.

 

Husband and are in R and going strong- some days suck balls other days are amazing. I am 2 months out of DD with hubby and i have completely ended the affair. I will be done with my job and putting in my resignation December 1st with or without another job- it just isn't worth my marriage. It isn't easy- there are still days i miss him but I am taking back control of my life and my emotions and that feels good.

 

I didn't realize how much my husband loved me or deserved to know the truth until i told him. During the affair you tell yourself so many lies so that you can reconcile what you are doing in your own head. Also, the affair itself is lived mostly in your head which is very dangerous until you start being authentic in the way you in live your life it becomes very difficult to move on and start making the right decisions.

 

I hope you are able to work through this and I would encourage you to consider what telling your husband the truth would look like for you. Don't be like MM be better than him. Start being better than the person you are being in the affair.

 

I don't like that mm gets away with this and his wife is clueless. If it was my husband, I would want to know. You know he is going to go on and just do it again. I'm not saying it is your place to tell her but it just bothers me that these guys....they all get away with it.

[123sadgirl]

I don't like that mm gets away with this and his wife is clueless. If it was my husband, I would want to know. You know he is going to go on and just do it again. I'm not saying it is your place to tell her but it just bothers me that these guys....they all get away with it.

 

 

Hi MidnightBlue... I feel the same as you sometimes when I am in the angry mode. He walks around like he is king and just getting on with his life like nothing had happened. Many times i have felt i will confess to my husband and tell her too.

 

My best friend told me it a low blow and i should heal myself and remove him from my head. It really hard to not think about the whole thing.

 

I feel hurt and stupid for getting myself into it in the first place. I am an idiot and selfish for hurting my family and they don't even know.