Tips on Working with ExMM and staying NC

[RRM321]

I do not feel good having the affair because I know all I am to him is a cheap outlet, but at the same time I cannot move on and I wish he will text or call me. So far nothing, not text or call from him. It so hard because we still work together. We have broken up a few times before and each time if I make contact we go back into it again.

 

This time I have decided I will not reach out and the pain is so unbearable.

 

Congratulations on these first two realizations.

This is a real opportunity for you. If you believe in opportunity and second chances then this will not be hard. Change the way you choose to look at this pain - and you will see the source of this pain is not what you attribute it to.

[66Charger]

I am always amazed at those who counsel one to lie to their spouse forever. To take it to their grave and "heal" themselves thru therapy or a new sense of respect for the BS/marriage. Or even worse, the stupud phrase " Do not burden you husband with your deceit"

 

In a nutshell. "Lie and keep on lying", thats how you fix a marriage. Andmif your spouse finds out (a death blow without the confession) and it blows up in your face. Ooopps.

 

And have the nerve to insult someone who dares to suggest honesty.

 

Cheating is one thing, but to counsel someone to lie forever, is disgusting.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I am always amazed at those who counsel one to lie to their spouse forever. To take it to their grave and "heal" themselves thru therapy or a new sense of respect for the BS/marriage. Or even worse, the stupud phrase " Do not burden you husband with your deceit"

 

In a nutshell. "Lie and keep on lying", thats how you fix a marriage. Andmif your spouse finds out (a death blow without the confession) and it blows up in your face. Ooopps.

 

And have the nerve to insult someone who dares to suggest honesty.

 

Cheating is one thing, but to counsel someone to lie forever, is disgusting.

 

I agree with you 100%...however in moments of insecurity...I still wonder all these years later if i should have kept my mouth shut. Do not misunderstand me....I do not REGRET telling him....I KNOW i did the right thing.....but i wonder about it...wonder if i could have kept it to myself....and i also know he sometimes wishes i had not told him as well.

 

Hindsight is always 20/20.....and we know how it has all turned out. But I guess we all sometimes have those moments of "what if"

 

I always tell others to confess...ALWAYS.....but I understand the hesitation sometimes...

[66Charger]

That is completely understandable, MJA. However, the OP works with the AP and will continue to see him everyday.. And has "recently" stated that if he tries, she will likely cave.

 

Could you have maintained silence in those conditions? stopped the affair or quit your job without telling your H, why?

 

A truly difficult situation. I am sure the OP will do what she feels is best for her and hopefully her family. Regardless, it is rarely wrong to suggest honesty and that advice should not be attacked. , which is my only point. I am sure most mean well and there is no need to throw out the moral police argument

Edited March 8, 2016 by 66Charger

[HereNorThere]

You can't stop living a life of deception by plotting a scheme to continue lying for the rest of your life. There will be a time when your empathy comes back and those toxic secrets will start eating away at you from the inside. Right now you're too lost in the "fog" to see it, but it will happen one day.

 

Until you confess and start living an authentic life, you might as well continue to cheat. Each day that you lie to your husband will only compound his humiliation.

 

Your affair situation could be completely done today if you wanted it to be. You could disclose the information to your husband, express remorse and more than likely you feelings for OM would drift away, but you don't want to let go of that relationship. You're still being absolutely selfish and showing us that you don't have a care in the world for your family and their well-being.

 

There has to be a point where you start making progress, but it doesn't seem like you are able to do it on your own. It's time to be an adult and own up to your actions. One way or another, your husband is going to figure things out. You have a much better chance at keeping him your life if you confess. You aren't there yet, but you will be. Set yourself free from this toxic relationship and make amends with the people you've wronged by being HONEST.

[sandylee1]

You know when a spouse discovers an affair..and the OM OR OW is older....not good looking.......less attractive...it really does hit your self esteem.

 

These older men have to charm the pants off you to be in with a chance....

 

Don't leave your diamond and pick up a pebble. Seek counselling to get to the bottom of why you'd risk it all. Focus on your lovely husband... because if you don't SOMEONE ELSE WILL.

[elaine567]

Seems to me, men have a harder time forgiving WSs than women do.

So I am of the opinion, if the affair is one that is likely to be found out eventually or the WS is having a hard time living with the guilt, then by all means tell, but your marriage and your husband are unlikely ever to be the same again.

But if there is little chance of discovery of the affair, there is no intention of repeating the action and if you can live with the guilt, then keep it all to yourself, is my advice.

 

Successful reconciliation after an affair is almost impossible, men have difficulty processing that their woman would cheat on them, a whole lot of denigrating terms are levelled at the woman and IMO, she is rarely seen as anything else ever again.

Huge ructions, trauma and chaos ensues and the kids are usually caught up in the middle.

Men stay for the kids, the house or the status or the life style, "love" doesn't seem to enter into the equation post-cheating.

Whereas many women will stay with a cheating man due to "love", I may be wrong but it seems to me love and fidelity are inextricably linked for many men.

[whichwayisup]

I am in this deep pain which I cannot seem to move past. This married man I work with made a past at me, and it started this affair into a year and 3 months of intense emotional roller coaster. I am also married. Now it has ended about a month ago because he says he wants to stop because he feels bad, which I don't believe him, why did he not feel bad a year ago when it started. During Christmas holidays I asked him to give me a gift, since we have been in this affair, he never once went out of his way to do anything nice for me or even to buy me a box of chocolates on my birthday. The first time he got me a gift I had to tell him.

 

He is allowed to change his mind, he isn't committed to you. For whatever reason he doesn't want it to continue, he is feeling bad about it and wants to stop. You're married too, so this is a blessing! Time to let go of him and reconnect and focus on your husband and marriage.

I do not feel good having the affair because I know all I am to him is a cheap outlet, but at the same time I cannot move on and I wish he will text or call me. So far nothing, not text or call from him. It so hard because we still work together. We have broken up a few times before and each time if I make contact we go back into it again.

 

His reasons are his for cheating, what are yours? Why are you cheating and having an affair, betraying your husband? Instead of worrying so much about exMM and the why's about him, reflect this to yourself.

 

Be professional at work. Only talk to him if it's work related issues, nothing else. No personal chit chat or anything.

 

This time I have decided I will not reach out and the pain is so unbearable. Is it normal for a guy to have an affair with a woman and never thinks of getting her a gift for her birthday or Christmas and how do I move on? Did he really even liked me in the first place? I just want to stop this wanting and longing for him. I think he has broken it off because he does not want to do anything nice for me and will have continued if I had not asked for any gift.

 

You're so focused on the gifts! Wrong thing to think about it...Really the A is over, distance yourself from him, detach and get some counseling to fix you.

[HereNorThere]

How is continuing to lie any different than cheating? If you are capable of hiding something this big from someone you love and it doesn't completely destroy you, I have news for you. - Something is wrong. Normal, healthy, empathetic partners RESPECT their spouse enough to be honest with them. Normal, healthy, empathetic partners cannot fathom this type of thinking.

 

Hate it or love it, but it's the truth. We all deserve, at the very, very least, honesty in our life. The freedom to make real, informed choices about our well-being. No one should be forced to live in an alternate reality just to save this woman some embarrassment.

 

Anyone who advocates that she continue lying is on the wrong side of morality. There's no need to enable bad behavior. If you're going to continue to lie, you might as well continue to cheat. I'm just amazed that you are on the brink of destroying your entire family and you are fixated on your affair partner's lack of Christmas gift. Go get yourself some real help.

Edited March 8, 2016 by HereNorThere

[harrybrown]

I wish my wife would have told me rather than getting a picture sent to me.

 

Can't seem to ever get the picture out of my mind.

 

Tell your H before someone else tells him.

 

It will be so more better for the both of you.

 

Good luck. Put yourself in your H's place.

 

How would you feel if he had an A like you did?

 

Would you file for D right away? how would you like him to help you?

Do that for him.

 

Your OM will have told some of his buddies. And he will have bragged about what a man he is. Your H is more of a man than your AP.

 

 

And the information spreads like wildfire in a dry forest. Tell him before someone else does.

 

You might be able to R for your kids sake.

[sandylee1]

Your marriage will never be the same once your husband knows about it.

 

You need to ask if you really do love your husband?

 

I'm suprised with the number of men who do reconcile TBH..... though many still have internal bitterness for years to come..even when they stay.

 

When you get married... you commit to that person. You have children with them and your job is to provide love, support and stability for them. When you start sc***in around... you jeopardise their security and that doesn't translate into you being a good parent.

 

Your cheating affects more than just YOU. Responsible parents don't do things that will hurt their children. If you cheat on your husband... you hurt him... in turn that affects your kids. The trauma of a betrayal very often affects one's parenting.

 

It's time to grow up and be responsible for the family you have.. stop sneaking around and try and create a better example for your children.

[RRM321]

Telling your husband just because you can, is a terrible idea. Telling your husband because you feel guilty is selfish idea.

 

You tell your husband for the sake of saving your marriage, family, etc. and to do that wisely you have to know WHEN, WHERE, and HOW to tell him - and he has to be ready to hear it.

 

You need some professional counsel to do this properly. You're lucky enough to be in a position to obtain that NOW when it will be the most effective. Most people don't get that chance.

 

I think this is a dangerous place to seek counsel - most people here have not resolved their own issues and you can easily become a surrogate for their own vices.

[Mrs. John Adams]

[]

 

I am 33 years out from my affair. I confessed to my husband about 2 weeks after i committed adultery. I did not seek advice from a forum.....there was no internet....I did not seek the advice of a therapist....I did not plot and plan how i was going to tell him....I did not prepare myself financially.

 

I told him what i had done.....I told him that i understood he should do what was best for him and our two small children...and i would leave and ask for nothing.

 

He asked me to stay......and we have worked on our marriage and our relationship since that time. We have had tough times and good times.....33 years worth. I did the RIGHT thing by telling him the truth.....I knew the risk....but my confession probably saved my marriage. Why? Because confession has a much higher rate of successful reconciliation. Living in a lie with hidden secrets....is most likely doomed for failure.

 

Let me tell you what i hear from this young ladies posts. First....she has not one single ounce of being sorry for what she has done....why? Because she has no idea of the repercussions of what she has done. She does not want to reconcile....she wants to HIDE it all like it never happened....she wants her life to go back to the way it was.

 

I personally don't think she would even have broken up with lover boy had he not pulled the plug...and she is more concerned with gifts and his reactions than what this affair will mean to her family.

 

She stands a very good chance of losing EVERYTHING....and that is exactly what she deserves. It will be by the grace of her husband that she is allowed to stay in the marriage....and she needs to understand that. Reconciliation is a gift...and is to be treasured every day.

 

I do have all of my ducks in a row.....I am in an amazing relationship....I have no reason to project anything negative on someone else.....but I have read way too much here today that i absolutely disagree with.

 

I try to be compassionate and understanding to all who are going through the turmoil and destruction of infidelity....but I will not be less than honest.

 

[]

 

This woman need friends....but she also need honesty....and many folks here have walked this walk and talked this talk....and know EXACTLY what they are talking about in their advice and comments.

 

[]

 

I highly recommend reading the book how to help your spouse heal from your affair by linda macdonald....especially for wayward spouses. However...I don't think this woman will respond to it...I hope she reads it and it speaks to her....but she has a whole lot of "stuff" to process before she can even begin to understand all of the steps needed to reconcile a broken relationship.

Edited March 9, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
personal responses redacted ~6

[Mr. Lucky]

I had stood so low and cheapen myself to a man who is many years older than myself and husband, he has lines forehead like a bad road map, and beer gut and this is the man I 'm longing for.

 

You're missing an important point. Wouldn't matter if your boss looked like Brad Pitt and Bradley Cooper's love child - either your committed to your marriage or you're not. There's no sliding scale for fidelity based on appearance and your remorse should be based on the fact you cheated, not that it was with someone you now conveniently find unattractive...

 

Mr. Lucky

[123sadgirl]

Telling your husband just because you can, is a terrible idea. Telling your husband because you feel guilty is selfish idea.

 

You tell your husband for the sake of saving your marriage, family, etc. and to do that wisely you have to know WHEN, WHERE, and HOW to tell him - and he has to be ready to hear it.

 

You need some professional counsel to do this properly. You're lucky enough to be in a position to obtain that NOW when it will be the most effective. Most people don't get that chance.

 

I think this is a dangerous place to seek counsel - most people here have not resolved their own issues and you can easily become a surrogate for their own vices.

 

I feel horrible for doing this to my husband and our two boys, but at the same time i cannot imagine the pain i will cause him further by telling him, what the point, i live with the quilt. He is good man to me and we have our up and downs, i want my kids to be together and not broken up in two homes. He will not forgive me, to him we are good and happy. I need to find out why i did it, it not him, it my selfish needs and now i have to live with this pain and quilt. It more painful knowing i have been used and was not worth anything to him. Thank you so much for taking the time to advise me, it means a lot to me....x

[123sadgirl]

You're missing an important point. Wouldn't matter if your boss looked like Brad Pitt and Bradley Cooper's love child - either your committed to your marriage or you're not. There's no sliding scale for fidelity based on appearance and your remorse should be based on the fact you cheated, not that it was with someone you now conveniently find unattractive...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

He is not my boss, we work for the same company, different department.

Yes you're right, it no excuse blaming his looks now, i am just hurt and being mean by saying his lined forehead, those lines were there when i got myself into it.

[RRM321]

I feel horrible for doing this to my husband and our two boys, but at the same time i cannot imagine the pain i will cause him further by telling him, what the point, i live with the quilt. He is good man to me and we have our up and downs, i want my kids to be together and not broken up in two homes. He will not forgive me, to him we are good and happy. I need to find out why i did it, it not him, it my selfish needs and now i have to live with this pain and quilt. It more painful knowing i have been used and was not worth anything to him. Thank you so much for taking the time to advise me, it means a lot to me....x

 

Yes, I think this affair is first and foremost about you - your loss, your pain, and what you need to do to deal with that in a better way.

 

Then there is your marriage. Indeed you have put it at great risk and you DO need to FIX this marriage no matter how great your husband may think it is. How you do that is not yet clear - and if he's truly in La-La land then he's not ready for this. He first needs to know that you are hurting - and that the marriage is not for you what it is for him.

 

Peel this onion one layer at a time - and start NOW. You're not going to have to take this to your grave, nor should you. But, you have to resolve this first marriage before you can build the second one (if that's appropriate) with the same husband.

[JohnAdams]

I feel horrible for doing this to my husband and our two boys, but at the same time i cannot imagine the pain i will cause him further by telling him, what the point, i live with the quilt. He is good man to me and we have our up and downs, i want my kids to be together and not broken up in two homes. He will not forgive me, to him we are good and happy. I need to find out why i did it, it not him, it my selfish needs and now i have to live with this pain and quilt. It more painful knowing i have been used and was not worth anything to him. Thank you so much for taking the time to advise me, it means a lot to me....x

 

So, you have decided on top of cheating with infidelity, you will also cheat him out of the truth of what you have done and also live with the lie of non disclosure. I would think your husband is worth more than that to you. Infidelity is a strange beast you lie with the deception of cheating then you lie with the deception of non disclosure. I feel very sorry for your husband.

[123sadgirl]

[]

 

I am 33 years out from my affair. I confessed to my husband about 2 weeks after i committed adultery. I did not seek advice from a forum.....there was no internet....I did not seek the advice of a therapist....I did not plot and plan how i was going to tell him....I did not prepare myself financially.

 

I told him what i had done.....I told him that i understood he should do what was best for him and our two small children...and i would leave and ask for nothing.

 

He asked me to stay......and we have worked on our marriage and our relationship since that time. We have had tough times and good times.....33 years worth. I did the RIGHT thing by telling him the truth.....I knew the risk....but my confession probably saved my marriage. Why? Because confession has a much higher rate of successful reconciliation. Living in a lie with hidden secrets....is most likely doomed for failure.

 

Let me tell you what i hear from this young ladies posts. First....she has not one single ounce of being sorry for what she has done....why? Because she has no idea of the repercussions of what she has done. She does not want to reconcile....she wants to HIDE it all like it never happened....she wants her life to go back to the way it was.

 

I personally don't think she would even have broken up with lover boy had he not pulled the plug...and she is more concerned with gifts and his reactions than what this affair will mean to her family.

 

She stands a very good chance of losing EVERYTHING....and that is exactly what she deserves. It will be by the grace of her husband that she is allowed to stay in the marriage....and she needs to understand that. Reconciliation is a gift...and is to be treasured every day.

 

I do have all of my ducks in a row.....I am in an amazing relationship....I have no reason to project anything negative on someone else.....but I have read way too much here today that i absolutely disagree with.

 

I try to be compassionate and understanding to all who are going through the turmoil and destruction of infidelity....but I will not be less than honest.

 

[]

 

This woman need friends....but she also need honesty....and many folks here have walked this walk and talked this talk....and know EXACTLY what they are talking about in their advice and comments.

 

[]

 

I highly recommend reading the book how to help your spouse heal from your affair by linda macdonald....especially for wayward spouses. However...I don't think this woman will respond to it...I hope she reads it and it speaks to her....but she has a whole lot of "stuff" to process before she can even begin to understand all of the steps needed to reconcile a broken relationship.

 

 

 

Mrs John Adams

Thank you, I felt hurt and sad reading your comment, you are right on a few things. Yes i will not have stop with older man hand not pull the plug, and that makes me ask myself why, why do i want him, why do i want to continue when my family means the world to me. I ask myself questions all the time "why" sometimes after meeting him i feel worse and emotionally drain from our conversations and some things he has said. I know he does not love me and i'm just a cheap outlet for sex. but why did i continued and a parts of me still wants to. Please tell me, how did you moved on emotionally from your affair?

Edited March 9, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
edited quote ~6

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed would you be satisfied if he did not confess to you his year long sexual affair?

[123sadgirl]

So, you have decided on top of cheating with infidelity, you will also cheat him out of the truth of what you have done and also live with the lie of non disclosure. I would think your husband is worth more than that to you. Infidelity is a strange beast you lie with the deception of cheating then you lie with the deception of non disclosure. I feel very sorry for your husband.

 

John Adams, what do you think is the best way? to destroy everything further? or learn and never cross that line again? please tell me

[123sadgirl]

If the roles were reversed would you be satisfied if he did not confess to you his year long sexual affair?

 

If it over and he does not love her, i will prefer not to know, what will be the point

[Friskyone4u]

123,

 

Here is your dilema. You have just stated that you are SURE that if he wants more sex from you that you will certainly gladly give it to him, even knowing what you know now.

So if that happens, and you start this again, eventually your husband will catch you. If you did not work with him, did not see him every day, and did not have opportunity to sneak off with him, you would have a better chance long term of your marriage surviving this if your husband did not know.

 

But when you get caught, and you can take it to the bank most affairs like your eventually get caught, your will have problems you cannot even imagine right now.

 

One of the reasons you cannot stop is because you have no consequences of what you are doing. If you confess to your husband, yes there will be pain and it will be difficult. But you will also most likely be told to either keep your boyfriend or lose your family. That will make your choice to end this affair a little easier because you will not be in total control of the situation. Right now, there is no incentive for you to quit.

 

You can read all you want. The percentage of affairs that end happily for WS are miniscule and the longer it goes on the greater betrayal your husband will feel when he finds out.

 

This man is using you. You know that. Is it worth playing "Russian Roulette" with your family's future. Think about that

[road]

I agree with you 100%...however in moments of insecurity...I still wonder all these years later if i should have kept my mouth shut. Do not misunderstand me....I do not REGRET telling him....I KNOW i did the right thing.....but i wonder about it...wonder if i could have kept it to myself....and i also know he sometimes wishes i had not told him as well.

 

Hindsight is always 20/20.....and we know how it has all turned out. But I guess we all sometimes have those moments of "what if"

 

I always tell others to confess...ALWAYS.....but I understand the hesitation sometimes...

 

 

If.

 

 

If he could of never found out.

If one could of been one hell of an actress for all these years and never let it effect you. Specially never let the BH catch you being off from a trigger.

 

 

If yes and yes maybe better of not confessing. However I have seen too many BH's find out 10, 20, 30 years later and have there 1st D day.

 

 

Then the WW gives the I don't remember to most of her BH's questions.

How is the BH to know if the WW is honest or lying about her not being able to remember what happened so she can not answer his questions.

 

 

Nothing worse to a BH to never get answers to his affair questions. Not getting the details the BH needs will haunt him forever.

 

 

When a WS gambles and has an affair it changes things in the future and can never be undone.

 

 

When a WS gambles to tell or not it changes the future just as much and as said before: all the kings horses and al the kings men could not undo the affair.

[katielee]

Honey- if you're reading, some ppl on here don't want you to make the same mistakes they did. I'm one of them, a fWW, and other waywards have posted too. Heed their warning. It all goes down the same way.