Tips on Working with ExMM and staying NC

[lemondrop21]

I'm actually a week and half out from breaking NC after 5 weeks (I was super angry and my anger got the best of me in the moment). But here's the thing. The 5 weeks of NC led to more clarity than I've had since the A started. The 5 weeks let me detach emotionally. I thought A LOT about him during those 5 weeks and I couldn't see how much progress I was actually making. But in fact, I got used to not hearing from him, and now that's my new normal. I can't go back to being emotionally dependent on him even if I wanted to. I see the A for what it is and what it is not, and understand what I was getting out of it and what I wasn't getting out of it. Was it a mistake to break NC? Perhaps. But luckily, I had put in enough time by then for it to make a difference.

 

So, if it helps, instead of fixating on NC as this indefinite thing, think about it in terms of giving yourself space to clear your head. Whether you feel it or not, it will help in time. I think it's Natalie Lue on the Baggage Reclaim website who says "Eventually, you won't be 'NC', you'll just be living your life."

[JessicaInGeorgia]

I'm actually a week and half out from breaking NC after 5 weeks (I was super angry and my anger got the best of me in the moment). But here's the thing. The 5 weeks of NC led to more clarity than I've had since the A started. The 5 weeks let me detach emotionally. I thought A LOT about him during those 5 weeks and I couldn't see how much progress I was actually making. But in fact, I got used to not hearing from him, and now that's my new normal. I can't go back to being emotionally dependent on him even if I wanted to. I see the A for what it is and what it is not, and understand what I was getting out of it and what I wasn't getting out of it. Was it a mistake to break NC? Perhaps. But luckily, I had put in enough time by then for it to make a difference.

 

So, if it helps, instead of fixating on NC as this indefinite thing, think about it in terms of giving yourself space to clear your head. Whether you feel it or not, it will help in time. I think it's Natalie Lue on the Baggage Reclaim website who says "Eventually, you won't be 'NC', you'll just be living your life."

 

I know this isn't my post but this response really helps me in my situation and I wanted to thank you for making it. I've gone two months, then one, and now back to square one. Each time I think (maybe hope?) I'm a little stronger.

[123sadgirl]

Thank you Lemondrop21.... with less expectations one can be less emotionally attached. if you don't mind me asking who contact who first?

 

 

I'm actually a week and half out from breaking NC after 5 weeks (I was super angry and my anger got the best of me in the moment). But here's the thing. The 5 weeks of NC led to more clarity than I've had since the A started. The 5 weeks let me detach emotionally. I thought A LOT about him during those 5 weeks and I couldn't see how much progress I was actually making. But in fact, I got used to not hearing from him, and now that's my new normal. I can't go back to being emotionally dependent on him even if I wanted to. I see the A for what it is and what it is not, and understand what I was getting out of it and what I wasn't getting out of it. Was it a mistake to break NC? Perhaps. But luckily, I had put in enough time by then for it to make a difference.

 

So, if it helps, instead of fixating on NC as this indefinite thing, think about it in terms of giving yourself space to clear your head. Whether you feel it or not, it will help in time. I think it's Natalie Lue on the Baggage Reclaim website who says "Eventually, you won't be 'NC', you'll just be living your life."

[123sadgirl]

The affair is over, but i still see him everyday at work. It been very hard some days. I am on NC with him and avoids him as much as i can and i have been looking for new jobs.

 

Has anyone been is in this situation and how they cope everyday seeing exMM.

 

I have days when i just want to email or go talk to him and tell him i cannot bear not talking with and miss him. So far all the comments and advise from the folks of LS has helped me stay strong on NC...

[Grey Cloud]

Try and change up your daily routine - I would arrive at work at a different time to xMM so I wouldn't bump into him in the basement carpark. He always went in the lift, I started taking the stairs. I would have lunch at a different time. Spent more time with other co-workers who I had literally ignored in the midst of the A. Whenever you feel like emailing or talking to him, remind yourself of all the reasons why you don't want to go back to square one. Or get up and go for a quick walk or make yourself a coffee until the time passes. Keep busy.

 

I feel for you. I was an emotional mess once we were ending and I had to see him everyday at work. Try and be focused on finding another job even if you don't want to. It won't completely get better until you are or him are someplace else.

[loveisanaction]

Every time you want to reach out to him remind yourself that he belongs to someone else. Ask yourself that if the tables were turned and he was your husband you'd want the ow to do her best to stay away from him.

 

He's staying away from you because he's trying do the right thing by not being with someone other than his wife, you should mirror that.

 

Contrary to popular belief, married men do feel guilty, sad and low when they've cheated on their wife.

 

Help him, his wife, his children and yourself by taking it one day at a time and by staying away and doing your best to move on from him.

[privategal]

Just know that this is only your mind holding on in small ways, little hopes, it is hard to let go. The affair fog takes a lotta time to wear off as it is really strong and ingrained.

It hurts to not be on speaking terms with anyone not just AP.

Its a bad feeling but in this case you both crossed a line, and in order to gain control over emotions and safeguard your heart you need to just respect that each of you SHOULD be silent.

I like to go to my car at lunch with some tea and play a meditation from youtube or listen to comforting music that wont trigger me, and just try to pray or recharge or take my mind off of everything.

Being alone comforts me but you may do better to be with a friend.

Just know it is showing love to yourself and kindness to not speak with him. It will build your self confidence and self respect too to just peacefully and quietly to yourself acknowledge its over and even though it hurts not to talk...it really is helping you.

Many of us wish to get that time back where we could have not reached out and just kept to NC.

If you speak...even if you think you are strong, your feelings could be stirred back up, he could want to tell you what you want to hear or to lie or manipulate.

Just try to see him as a man. Through clear eyes. Indifferently.

Tell yourself...if I stay the course I will heal and find love down the road.

Still job search but for now...no talking...just work. Hugs.

[123sadgirl]

After posting the previous thread, i was leaving work and bump into exMM... i wanted to turn around but it was too late, and he kept the door open for me to walk thru. He asked how was work and I, i replied good and kept walking. He tried to make small talk about work, but i told him i have to go.

 

Why he is trying to make small talk? I do not want to be friends because we cannot, due to A history between us. Why will he wants to speak with me still? what for?

[123sadgirl]

Thank you for the beautiful words, i know it the right thing to do ending it as we both married.. I wish i just don't miss him so much and he look so happy chatting with other people at work, it leaves wondering if he even suffered one bit or he just moved on.

 

I 'm trying keeping busy with the kids and trying not to break NC...

 

Thank you again ...

 

 

Just know that this is only your mind holding on in small ways, little hopes, it is hard to let go. The affair fog takes a lotta time to wear off as it is really strong and ingrained.

It hurts to not be on speaking terms with anyone not just AP.

Its a bad feeling but in this case you both crossed a line, and in order to gain control over emotions and safeguard your heart you need to just respect that each of you SHOULD be silent.

I like to go to my car at lunch with some tea and play a meditation from youtube or listen to comforting music that wont trigger me, and just try to pray or recharge or take my mind off of everything.

Being alone comforts me but you may do better to be with a friend.

Just know it is showing love to yourself and kindness to not speak with him. It will build your self confidence and self respect too to just peacefully and quietly to yourself acknowledge its over and even though it hurts not to talk...it really is helping you.

Many of us wish to get that time back where we could have not reached out and just kept to NC.

If you speak...even if you think you are strong, your feelings could be stirred back up, he could want to tell you what you want to hear or to lie or manipulate.

Just try to see him as a man. Through clear eyes. Indifferently.

Tell yourself...if I stay the course I will heal and find love down the road.

Still job search but for now...no talking...just work. Hugs.

[Lovetoohard]

He's simply trying to restore a normal workplace environment and be cordial. I used to work with my xMM too and it was really hard. It's not like we just worked at the same company and in the same office building - we had to work on the same projects all day, every day. We were able to maintain some cordial and friendly banter after the initial weeks of the breakup, but it was really difficult so I avoided him as much as possible, took on solo projects, sat out group lunches and events, like Grey Cloud took the stairs instead of elevator (not fun in fabulous heels!), etc. It was really isolating and damaging to my focus at work. That said, you have to put on a show at work no matter how much it's killing you on the inside. You are colleagues, first and foremost, and maintaining a professional persona at work, which includes being cordial with your coworkers, is part of the game.

[123sadgirl]

Thank you Lovetoohard:) if you don't mind me asking, did your exMM ever contacted you again?

 

 

QUOTE=Lovetoohard;6839619]He's simply trying to restore a normal workplace environment and be cordial. I used to work with my xMM too and it was really hard. It's not like we just worked at the same company and in the same office building - we had to work on the same projects all day, every day. We were able to maintain some cordial and friendly banter after the initial weeks of the breakup, but it was really difficult so I avoided him as much as possible, took on solo projects, sat out group lunches and events, like Grey Cloud took the stairs instead of elevator (not fun in fabulous heels!), etc. It was really isolating and damaging to my focus at work. That said, you have to put on a show at work no matter how much it's killing you on the inside. You are colleagues, first and foremost, and maintaining a professional persona at work, which includes being cordial with your coworkers, is part of the game.

[Lovetoohard]

Thank you Lovetoohard:) if you don't mind me asking, did your exMM ever contacted you again?

 

After I broke up with him, he's contacted me several times, both while we were still working together and after. I wanted him to focus on his w and kids and told him that each time he did. More importantly, I wanted to focus on a realistic future for myself. Initially after the breakup, he gave me a lot of assurances about working towards a future for us, "building a foundation," he was looking into a divorce, I needed to be patient, we had been so incredibly happy and he'd been blindsided by the breakup (really?), etc. etc. I do think he loved me, albeit, in a very emotionally stunted way. But i'd already made up my mind that I needed to focus on ME. I haven't heard from him in over 2 months or so, but I'm indifferent. I'm not fearful of falling back into the A, but I do sometimes miss the deep friendship we shared, but I know we can't salvage that. If he calls, i'm cordial and friendly, but like I said, my focus is ME.

Edited March 23, 2016 by Lovetoohard

[privategal]

You dont know if he is hurting inside.

Likely its hard for him too and yes it hurts to be excluded when he speaks to everyone else.

I think in all my reading the proof I read over and over is relationships change, good things come to an end, affairs dont last.

I can tell you also first hand if you miss him and weaken and go back you will be in this boat again later and it hurts soooo much worse.

Just one day at a time.

Keep going, Id ask him face to face calmly ONLY if he approaches you again not to speak small talk, that you are focused on your family and please limit to direct work questions.

I think your gonna feel better each day...your still in the fog so only perseverence and trying to retrain and redirect your thoughts helps.

Its adding up...give it time. Stay calm and mature and quiet and focus on work. And job search.

Chin up.

[123sadgirl]

I wish I had listened to all the advise given on LS when i first joined last year. This month will be 2 years in the affair that ended 3 weeks ago.

 

It wrong the whole affair thing, but I cannot stopped thinking about him, sometimes i cry for no reason and i am upset with myself, why i will be crying over someone who did not demonstrate any kind of caring towards me. He always made it clear it was only sex for me and he even once told me i am more emotionally invested in it than him.

 

What upset me most why i will allow myself to still think he will come back and care about me.

 

He ended it three weeks ago, and i have not made any contact with him, we work together in the same building, but not same office. Last week he pop his head into our face trying to talk with me, I just ignored him, normally we we end things as we have done many times, and he makes a little effort as coming into our office, i will go over to his and end up in it again.

 

This time i have decided it really the end. I will not allow my feelings to be played like a ping pong game. He is made it clear he is not emotionally invested and it should end. What he wants is that i will allow sex with no strings attached and he will ignore me till he wants it next time. I will not play that game anymore.

 

I just wish i can get over this grieving and wishing and hoping.

[bummer]

good luck and try to stay really really strong this time.

 

It's the last time.

[Bialy]

Put YOU first!

 

You deserve peace and happiness and love.

 

NOT crumbs from someone who is not emotionally invested.

 

You have a good heart.

 

Deep breath! Talk it out with family and friends. Vent, vent, vent. Let it all out.

 

Do activities you love and bring a smile to your face. Watch funny movies. The holidays are around the corner. Spend time with family! Especially little ones, if you have any nieces or nephews.

 

Keep us posted on how things are going for you!

[123sadgirl]

good luck and try to stay really really strong this time.

 

It's the last time.

 

 

Thank you Bummer, "it's the last time" that what keeping me strong. No more back and forth.

[123sadgirl]

Put YOU first!

 

You deserve peace and happiness and love.

 

NOT crumbs from someone who is not emotionally invested.

 

You have a good heart.

 

Deep breath! Talk it out with family and friends. Vent, vent, vent. Let it all out.

 

Do activities you love and bring a smile to your face. Watch funny movies. The holidays are around the corner. Spend time with family! Especially little ones, if you have any nieces or nephews.

 

Keep us posted on how things are going for you!

 

Hi Bialy.. Thank you for the kind words, yes no more more crumbs from someone who is not emotionally invested. You so right on that one. I have one friend and she been really supportive and helping me move on. she says the same things you wrote. I just wish my heart will stop wanting him.

[123sadgirl]

After the end of the affair, we are in pain, distress and angry etc...

 

And we secretly hope they come back or if we go back it comes back to the point of pain again.

 

I asked myself, is it really worth it, was I treated well by my MM and did he cared. No he had no care for my mental health being.

 

I will like to hear from other OW or OM if they were treated or cared for so well by their MM or MW. If not what keep us from wanting to relive this pain or grieving for something which is was not good in the first place.

[Kelley]

I'm not a OW (never will be) but I can tell you this, dating a married man or not you go through the same pain as any other break up. I was cheated on and then he left me to start a relationship with her. Now that is not a situation any sane person wants to return to right?

 

But I was going through points where I wanted to get him back. Why? Because I loved and missed him. It's all down to brain chemistry, you want your fix to ease the pain. It's true going through a break-up is similar to drug withdrawal, there have been studies! Love is the drug and heartbreak is the withdrawal. Yes I'm in pain, I miss my best friend but you know what, that is coming from the weak me, not the strong me and I acknowledge that. I have been NC for almost 4 weeks. Why? Because it's the only way to heal, and it's best for me. Keeping my self respect and moving on!

[imperfectangel]

Breaking up from a normal relationship is NOT the same as ending a affair. You will always have the "would we of worked as a couple?" Thoughts. You know he ultimately picked someone else over you.

 

He treated me well for the most part but when he ghosted me that was the worst thing for me.

 

I genuinely just don't think some mm get it. Whenever I would complain it was, "well what do you expect I'm married". They don't understand that our wants and needs change

[Kelley]

But had you worked as a couple wouldn't he have chosen you? I disagree a relationship is a relationship, you love the same, you connect the same, you grieve the same. I have been in other relationships where another person wasn't involved you get the same thoughts.

 

Breaking up from a normal relationship is NOT the same as ending a affair. You will always have the "would we of worked as a couple?" Thoughts. You know he ultimately picked someone else over you.

 

He treated me well for the most part but when he ghosted me that was the worst thing for me.

 

I genuinely just don't think some mm get it. Whenever I would complain it was, "well what do you expect I'm married". They don't understand that our wants and needs change

[123sadgirl]

I'm not a OW (never will be) but I can tell you this, dating a married man or not you go through the same pain as any other break up. I was cheated on and then he left me to start a relationship with her. Now that is not a situation any sane person wants to return to right?

 

But I was going through points where I wanted to get him back. Why? Because I loved and missed him. It's all down to brain chemistry, you want your fix to ease the pain. It's true going through a break-up is similar to drug withdrawal, there have been studies! Love is the drug and heartbreak is the withdrawal. Yes I'm in pain, I miss my best friend but you know what, that is coming from the weak me, not the strong me and I acknowledge that. I have been NC for almost 4 weeks. Why? Because it's the only way to heal, and it's best for me. Keeping my self respect and moving on!

 

Kelley, so sorry for your pain you going through, it not easy either way. Yes the weak me also wants to break NC but it good you have a wise voice in your head making you move on. Each day brings us closer to healing if we stick to NC. Those bad days always passes as I have come to learn.

[123sadgirl]

Breaking up from a normal relationship is NOT the same as ending a affair. You will always have the "would we of worked as a couple?" Thoughts. You know he ultimately picked someone else over you.

 

He treated me well for the most part but when he ghosted me that was the worst thing for me.

 

I genuinely just don't think some mm get it. Whenever I would complain it was, "well what do you expect I'm married". They don't understand that our wants and needs change

This is so true “I genuinely just don't think some mm get it. Whenever I would complain it was, "well what do you expect I'm married". They don't understand that our wants and needs change”

My exMM told me he does not have the freedom to do as he wants…

[imperfectangel]

But had you worked as a couple wouldn't he have chosen you? I disagree a relationship is a relationship, you love the same, you connect the same, you grieve the same. I have been in other relationships where another person wasn't involved you get the same thoughts.

 

The dynamics of a affair are completely different to a normal relationship. Just because you work as a affair does not mean it could translate into a normal relationship. If you've never been in a affair you won't understand this