Have I Screwed This Up?? [update]

[jcromp]

I know you know that you're over-analyzing things, and to stop doing that is easier said than done. Maybe instead of trying to stop thinking of her too much, try changing the thought process when you feel yourself becoming anxious.

 

She seems like a no-nonsense kind of girl. Am I right? So the next time you recognize that you're over-thinking and becoming anxious remember that she's given you no indication that there's anything wrong. In fact, you just spent a wonderful week together, so everything is RIGHT!

 

If anxious thoughts are keeping you awake, try recalling good memories of the two of you instead.

 

I understand that this seems overly simplistic, but it's kind of like cognitive behavior therapy. Are you familiar? It works wonders on anxiety in my experience. I highly suggest looking into it if you're not already familiar.

[kismetkismet]

It seems like you MAY be incompatible in terms of how much time and affection you need from each other. It doesn't mean that one or the other of you are wrong, but if there have been no signs that you are both getting closer to the same place in the past four months then that's problematic. Different people have different needs in terms of how much expression of affection they need, how much time together they need, and how much space they need. If your needs are too different then it's kind of doomed. You can only change what you need so much in a relationship.

[HereWeGoAgain1980]

It seems like you MAY be incompatible in terms of how much time and affection you need from each other. It doesn't mean that one or the other of you are wrong, but if there have been no signs that you are both getting closer to the same place in the past four months then that's problematic. Different people have different needs in terms of how much expression of affection they need, how much time together they need, and how much space they need. If your needs are too different then it's kind of doomed. You can only change what you need so much in a relationship.

 

We're seeing each other this evening, she messaged me and suggested she come to my place.

 

I think you may be right about the time and affection thing, she doesn't seem to want as much as me, but that was before our holiday together, and she was very affectionate the whole time we were together for that week. It was actually me who put off seeing each other until this evening, because I wanted to give her some time to miss me after our trip, and I don't want to seem 'too full on', as she has told me in the past.

 

If I want things to work out with this girl I am really going to have to hold back until she communicates that she is ready to be more 'full on', but I'm finding that very hard.

 

We've been dating for four months now, and after spending ten days in each others company every day, I'm pretty sure I'm in love with her. I should be happy about that, but it's actually making me feel crap, because I'm not sure she feels the same. I really want to tell her how I feel, but I know I will be upset if it's not reciprocated.

 

I woke early again today, wishing she was next to me.

 

I will wait until I see her tonight, see what signals I get from her, if she kisses me like she hasn't seen me for a month I will tell her I've missed her.

[HereWeGoAgain1980]

I know you know that you're over-analyzing things, and to stop doing that is easier said than done. Maybe instead of trying to stop thinking of her too much, try changing the thought process when you feel yourself becoming anxious.

 

She seems like a no-nonsense kind of girl. Am I right? So the next time you recognize that you're over-thinking and becoming anxious remember that she's given you no indication that there's anything wrong. In fact, you just spent a wonderful week together, so everything is RIGHT!

 

If anxious thoughts are keeping you awake, try recalling good memories of the two of you instead.

 

I understand that this seems overly simplistic, but it's kind of like cognitive behavior therapy. Are you familiar? It works wonders on anxiety in my experience. I highly suggest looking into it if you're not already familiar.

 

I'm actually going to see a counsellor soon, I have a bit of a problem with anxiety, which isn't helping me with all this. I have discussed it with her a few weeks back, it was her who told me to get help. I'm a bit concerned this may have lowered her opinion of me, the thought of which makes me more anxious! Ha ha, fml!

[HereWeGoAgain1980]

I think where we differ seems to be that when we spend a decent amount of time together she always needs a bit of space for a few days, whereas the more I get of her the more I want!

[jcromp]

Well, you may be right about the vacation changing the dynamic of the relationship. You'll probably get an indication if that's the case when you see her tonight. Just remember that even if she's showing more interest and affection now doesn't mean that you should jump the gun and assume that she wants to accelerate the relationship.

 

You said before that she had some kind of bad relationship experience in her past. More than likely, she's just playing it safe with you, making sure that you're not going to hurt her before she gets too invested. The best thing you can do is let the relationship go at her pace for the time being to reassure her and make her feel safe. And also remember that going slower is good for you too. It establishes a stronger foundation for the relationship.

 

I would bet that once she feels more secure in her feelings for you and in the relationship, she'll want to spend more time with you. 4 months is a good chunk of time, but in terms of a relationship, it's still very new.

 

Glad to hear that you're going to see someone about your anxiety. Try not to worry about her thinking less of you because of it. You were honest with her, and that's always the best thing. You'll benefit from the help and so will your relationship. If you think she feels weird about your anxiety, then don't bring it up with her. After all, it's your issue to deal with. If you were in a longer term, more serious relationship, it would be appropriate for her to be involved in your therapy. But this early on in the relationship, your counseling doesn't need to concern her. If she asks you about it, share with her as much as you're comfortable with, but if she doesn't ask, then you don't need to bring her into it.

 

I wish you much luck with her as it's obvious that you really want this relationship to work.

[HereWeGoAgain1980]

Well, you may be right about the vacation changing the dynamic of the relationship. You'll probably get an indication if that's the case when you see her tonight. Just remember that even if she's showing more interest and affection now doesn't mean that you should jump the gun and assume that she wants to accelerate the relationship.

 

You said before that she had some kind of bad relationship experience in her past. More than likely, she's just playing it safe with you, making sure that you're not going to hurt her before she gets too invested. The best thing you can do is let the relationship go at her pace for the time being to reassure her and make her feel safe. And also remember that going slower is good for you too. It establishes a stronger foundation for the relationship.

 

I would bet that once she feels more secure in her feelings for you and in the relationship, she'll want to spend more time with you. 4 months is a good chunk of time, but in terms of a relationship, it's still very new.

 

Glad to hear that you're going to see someone about your anxiety. Try not to worry about her thinking less of you because of it. You were honest with her, and that's always the best thing. You'll benefit from the help and so will your relationship. If you think she feels weird about your anxiety, then don't bring it up with her. After all, it's your issue to deal with. If you were in a longer term, more serious relationship, it would be appropriate for her to be involved in your therapy. But this early on in the relationship, your counseling doesn't need to concern her. If she asks you about it, share with her as much as you're comfortable with, but if she doesn't ask, then you don't need to bring her into it.

 

I wish you much luck with her as it's obvious that you really want this relationship to work.

 

Nice words, thanks!

 

We'll see what she's like with me tonight!

[HereWeGoAgain1980]

Update....she bailed on me last night....seeing her tonight instead....

 

She did something strange that has ****ed with my head a bit, and I did something stupid too....

 

She was at her Grandmother's place for dinner, then she was gonna come stay over at my place afterwards.....

 

She messaged me when she left her Grandmother's saying she was really tired and just wanted to go home to her own bed. I said 'cool, I'm tired too' then tried to call her for a chat, I've not heard her voice for four days, so thought I'd give her a quick call....she didn't answer....so I messaged 'are you home?' And she didn't read it for around two hours. In this time I called her house, her Mum answered and said she wasn't there. Then I had a 'goodnight' message about two and a half hours after she said she was going to bed, and I called again, she answered, we chatted, but she did sound very tired, and said she was in bed....After we got of the phone she messaged me to say she was actually at a friends house, and was staying the night there, because she's avoiding her parents. She said she didn't want to come to mine because she wasn't in the right mood, and she hadn't showered, etc.

 

I'm now worried what her reaction will be to me calling her house, and I haven't slept all night because of it, about to go to work on no sleep!

 

This girl is screwing with my head!

[jcromp]

OK, if she asks you why you called her house, you could tell her that you knew she was tired when she left her grandmother's and when she didn't answer the call or text, you were worried that she might have had an accident because she was driving while sleepy.

 

Now, to avoid telling more white lies in the future, you need to get yourself to the counselor to deal with your anxiety ASAP!

 

If you keep up this level of worry, you're going to drive her and yourself crazy!

 

P.S. be sure to post an update on how tonight goes. I'm rooting for you!!

[HereWeGoAgain1980]

OK, if she asks you why you called her house, you could tell her that you knew she was tired when she left her grandmother's and when she didn't answer the call or text, you were worried that she might have had an accident because she was driving while sleepy.

 

Now, to avoid telling more white lies in the future, you need to get yourself to the counselor to deal with your anxiety ASAP!

 

If you keep up this level of worry, you're going to drive her and yourself crazy!

 

P.S. be sure to post an update on how tonight goes. I'm rooting for you!!

 

She messaged me first thing this morning, but I really don't know where her head is at right now. She seems to be backing away a little in the way she messages me, which is either because she's losing interest, or she's developed strong feelings and is handling them as badly as I am. Hopefully it's the second of those two!

 

I think she's having a stressful week at work and is maybe a bit confused about the future of our relationship.

 

If she continues to keep me guessing I think I will just end things, because it's making me sick, I was actually doing ok before she came along!

[Noideanow]

i think it only natural when you love someone to spend every second with them, and im happy to know there are men like you out there because i feel like that too and hope to meet someone like us:) if she loves you too she would love your honesty and the stronger the feelings the better:) im also more anxious and slepless when not together with the one i have feelings for:confused: just wish you luck and happiness:)

[jcromp]

I think you'll get a better idea of how she feels about you when you actually see her. Some people are just not good about texting and keeping in touch.

 

If she's had a stressful week at work, then that would explain her mood and sporadic texting. Just wait and see how tonight goes.

[HereWeGoAgain1980]

I think you'll get a better idea of how she feels about you when you actually see her. Some people are just not good about texting and keeping in touch.

 

If she's had a stressful week at work, then that would explain her mood and sporadic texting. Just wait and see how tonight goes.

 

Well, she's finished work for the week, she's out for a few after work drinks, and she's coming to my place for take out food, which I've just ordered....She's even sent me a photo of some new 'panties' she's bought for me. Her texts have also got a lot more friendly in the last couple of hours.

 

Obviously just stressed out with work, and I was, typically, overthinking it all!!

 

I really need to learn how to not get so anxious about this new relationship, I guess it's just a phase you go through at the start of every relationship, but because this girl insists on taking things slowly, and only seeing me a few times a week, it's taking me a bit longer to trust her.

[jcromp]

OK, the pic of the panties is a fantastic sign that she's still totally into you. You're going to have a wonderful night . Maybe that will start to put your mind at ease about this?

 

As long as everything goes well this weekend, and I'm sure it will, perhaps you will feel more secure in your growing relationship. Whenever you start to worry because she's not answering your messages right away or she seems a bit distant or short in her messages, just remember that it's happened before and nothing was wrong.

 

You'll get used to her communication style. Hope you have a great time tonight.

[HereWeGoAgain1980]

OK, the pic of the panties is a fantastic sign that she's still totally into you. You're going to have a wonderful night . Maybe that will start to put your mind at ease about this?

 

As long as everything goes well this weekend, and I'm sure it will, perhaps you will feel more secure in your growing relationship. Whenever you start to worry because she's not answering your messages right away or she seems a bit distant or short in her messages, just remember that it's happened before and nothing was wrong.

 

You'll get used to her communication style. Hope you have a great time tonight.

 

Last night was awesome, just given her a ride to her friends house, then meeting her again this evening to go for a walk, cook a meal together, then she's spending the night at my place again, and her parents have also invited me out for a family meal tomorrow.

 

It wasn't until she was sat opposite me at the dinner table that I was able to grasp just how stressful her week had been, and why she's been so distant and short with me at times.

 

Basically, the conclusion of all this **** would be, if you want a relationship to work, don't use WhatsApp as your only method of communication when you aren't together!!!!

 

We had sex four times in twelve hours, and I gave her an orgasm every time, ha ha. She was far more loving and affectionate than she had been before our holiday, and I can tell her feelings for me are getting stronger, she just plays her cards a bit closer to her chest than I do.

 

I need to face my demons and deal with the emotional scars left by my past relationships, and a long battle with ill health. Having her love and support will be a big help, I just hope she's willing to stay by my side while I go through the process of fixing things.

 

Anyway, the summary is that everything is great!

 

Thanks for all the comments and words of support guys, this is a great forum!

[HereWeGoAgain1980]

Oh, and one other thing............we've started planning our next holiday!

[HereWeGoAgain1980]

Hey folks, I'm in need of advice/opinions again....

 

I've been with my girlfriend for just under six months now, and most of the time everything is great, but we have some differences that we just don't seem to be able to work through.

 

I fell in love with her within the first few months, but she has only told me within the last few weeks that she loves me.

 

For the last four weeks we have been living together, house sitting for her parents. Pretty much the whole time I've been there she has bossed me around and been very controlling, I have been doing all of the cooking, and tidying up after her a bit, simply because I always cook a meal for myself anyway, and it's in my nature to be tidy, etc, I've also been doing lots of thoughtful things for her, but for some reason this has made her treat me worse, to the point where physical affection isn't really happening, and I have been initiating most of it.

 

I called her out on this over the last few days, and it all came to a head last night, she told me 'you bring out the worst in me', so I told her I love her, but won't stick around to be treated that way, and I left.

 

We haven't said it's over, I told her I think she needs some space.

 

At this point I really don't know what to do, do I just wait? Do I talk more to her about it? Or do I just end things, instead of setting myself up for worse further down the line?

[elaine567]

Hey folks, I'm in need of advice/opinions again....

 

I've been with my girlfriend for just under six months now, and most of the time everything is great, but we have some differences that we just don't seem to be able to work through.

 

I fell in love with her within the first few months, but she has only told me within the last few weeks that she loves me.

 

For the last four weeks we have been living together, house sitting for her parents. Pretty much the whole time I've been there she has bossed me around and been very controlling, I have been doing all of the cooking, and tidying up after her a bit, simply because I always cook a meal for myself anyway, and it's in my nature to be tidy, etc, I've also been doing lots of thoughtful things for her, but for some reason this has made her treat me worse, to the point where physical affection isn't really happening, and I have been initiating most of it.

 

I called her out on this over the last few days, and it all came to a head last night, she told me 'you bring out the worst in me', so I told her I love her, but won't stick around to be treated that way, and I left.

 

We haven't said it's over, I told her I think she needs some space.

 

At this point I really don't know what to do, do I just wait? Do I talk more to her about it? Or do I just end things, instead of setting myself up for worse further down the line?

 

YOU had a trial run of living together and it all went wrong.

Of course she may be extra stressed out because it is her parents house and she doesn't want to mess it up, so you need to sit her down and talk to her about it, but if she continues to treat you badly then you need to see this as a red flag.

[HereWeGoAgain1980]

She ended things with me, feeling pretty destroyed.

[Teknoe]

She ended things with me, feeling pretty destroyed.

 

In time you'll be glad it worked out like how it did. You deserve better

[TheFinalWord]

You two don't seem that compatible either in terms of communication or degree of intimacy.

 

I find it ironic that she said you were too controlling during the earlier stages, but now she is the one that is being controlling. There are women like this. They're known as "the old ball and chain"..

 

I think you can use this time to focus on getting healthy and stop stressing over her. She doesn't seem that great to me. Everyone can have fun on vacation. Its when you're in the daily routine of life that you learn about the person's habits and where you stand in terms of her priorities.

Edited May 25, 2016 by TheFinalWord